Bewitched (1964) s05e04 Episode Script

Here.
Look, sweetheart, dishpan hands.
That's terrible.
No, it isn't.
It's wonderful.
I've always wanted dishpan hands.
Makes a witch feel like she belongs.
Well, on you they look good.
Happy, sweetheart? Let's see, I've got a beautiful wife, a lovely daughter a comfortable home, a good job.
I guess I'm reasonably happy.
Why only reasonably? I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan.
Another remark like that, and I' II be a widow.
Honey, I was only joking.
It's jokes like that that can get you turned into an artichoke.
Besides, I thought you and Mother were getting along well lately.
You' re almost on speaking terms.
Let's hope it stays almost.
How about a little after-dinner drink? All right.
Let's have something different and marvellous and exotic.
Scotch and soda? Delicious.
Darrin, why don't you try a new approach to Mother? Well, she's not all bad, you know? She does have a good side.
All you have to do is find it and get on it.
I'll admit that's not easy, but I think it's worth a try.
Don't you, sweetheart? Don't you? Darrin, just because I said Mother has a good side doesn't mean you have to stop talking to me.
Darrin? Darrin? Darrin? Darrin.
Darrin? Mother.
Mother? I demand that you appear before me immediately and no stalling.
I hope you have good news.
You just plucked me off a coral reef.
Don't be cute.
I'm not being cute.
I was skin diving in the Bahamas with Jacques-Yves Cousteau.
Now, if you' II just excuse me.
Mother, Darrin is gone, and you know it.
Oh, you do have good news.
Now tell me.
You tell me.
Where is he? Very well.
I' II tell you, straight out.
I haven't the foggiest.
Now, Mother, I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this but repeat after me: Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.
Samantha, get hold of yourself.
I'd like to take credit for Durwood's disappearance but I give you my word, I had nothing to do with it.
- You didn't? - No.
Then where is he? Well, I don't know.
Now, Mother, let's be calm about this.
I am calm.
I'm positively serene.
It's you who are all stoked up.
Mother, Darrin's gone, and somebody's got him.
Who'd want him? Now, who would Uncle Arthur.
That's it.
Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.
Well, why would he do a thing like that? Durwood is already a practical joke.
Mother.
But why would Uncle Arthur is cooking up one of his mad, wild That wasn't Uncle Arthur.
No, it certainly was not.
- Well, who was it? - I haven't the slightest idea.
I hope.
Carlotta.
Endora, darling.
How nice to see you again after all these years.
You' re a sight for sore eyes.
Oh, thank you, my dear Carlotta and you' re a sight too.
Mother Mother I hate to barge into this reunion, but You' re Samantha.
Right.
Who are you? What a beautiful creature you are.
You don't look at all like your mother.
Mother, please, pull in your claws.
Carlotta, you must be here for some reason.
Does it involve Darrin? Aren't you going to offer me something to drink? We' re fresh out of hemlock.
Oh, now stop it, you two.
My husband's gone, and you two are playing cat and cat.
She's right.
Enough of this merriment.
- Endora.
- What? Haven't you told Samantha about our little deal? It must have slipped my mind.
Very well.
I' II tell you about it myself.
It seems that at the turn of the century Vanity prevents my naming which.
- Your mother promised the hand of her firstborn daughter to my firstborn son.
Oh, I vaguely remember something like that.
When the planet Icarus passes between Pluto and Jupiter, I collect.
Oh, you' re both mad.
But not half as mad as I'm getting.
Oh, it was eons ago, darling.
Eons ago at a party.
Carlotta, get this straight I am already married.
Marriages to mortals don't count.
- You bring him back here this instant.
- But of course, my dear.
Now, where shall we put him? The telly might be fun.
Help! Oh, now, Darrin, don't you worry.
I' II get you out of there.
Relax.
Those aren't animals chasing him.
They are only animal sounds.
And if you refuse to marry my son, Juke your precious Darrin will be running from those sounds forever.
Carlotta, it's witches like you that give us all a bad name.
Thank you.
Mother, how could you make such a primitive marital arrangement? They did that sort of thing in the Middle Ages.
I think it was in the Middle Ages.
Are you ready to go and meet Juke? Carlotta, why don't the two of us sit down and discuss this thing like intelligent Help! Help! I'm ready.
Don't worry, Samantha.
I' II think of something.
I hope so.
And I' II take good care of Tabitha for you.
Just don't marry her off while I'm gone.
And this is Juke's room.
He's so proud of all his pinups.
Why, all these pictures are of me.
But of course.
Juke has been in love with you ever since he was a baby.
But he's never even met me.
Just a formality.
Mother? Mother, I'm home.
We' re up here, darling.
I'm sorry I am late, but I ran into some old school friends Oh, that's all right, darling.
Juke, dear, we have a guest.
It's Samantha.
Hello, Juke.
Hi.
Shake her hand, dear.
That's enough.
Now then, Juke dear who always keeps her word? You do, Mother.
And who promised that someday you would have Samantha as your wife? You did, Mother.
And what a handsome couple you will make.
Glorious.
Remember, Samantha.
What's that? Just your mother's depraved sense of humour.
I didn't put up any of those pictures of you, Samantha.
My mother did.
Here's another one with dear cousin Serena.
Hey, how about her? No, Mother made up her mind.
It's got to be you.
Don't you ever talk back to your mother? Of course I do.
Lots of times.
- Then all we have to do - I talk back when she's asleep or in the shower.
You should've heard me tell her off.
- I was magnificent.
- Groovy.
It's amazing with a mother like that how I turned out so well-adjusted.
Juke, there's one thing we can do.
- What's that? - You' II have to stand up to her.
- No, think of another thing to do.
- Oh, come on, Juke.
You can do it.
Just try.
You' re wrong.
I can't change the pattern of a lifetime just like that.
After all, the roots of my cowardice run deep.
But you' re a warlock.
No, warlock schmorlock.
Juke, look maybe if you'd act like a warlock, you'd begin to feel like one.
Well, l - I guess I can try.
- What did you say? I said I' II try, Samantha.
That's better.
Now, let's practice.
Just pretend that I'm your mother.
Yes, ma'am.
Juke, I thought you said you'd try.
Oh, I will.
I will.
Let's do it again.
Yeah, well, okay, sit down.
Now, here goes.
Now, you make believe I'm your mother.
- Good morning, Juke.
- What's good about it? Juke, just because you' re a warlock doesn't mean you have to be nasty.
Just stand up for your rights.
- Stand up.
- Your rights.
Rights.
I got you.
I got you.
- Good morning, Juke darling.
- Good morning, Mother.
It is such a beautiful day.
Why don't you and I take a fly in the sky? I'd rather not, Mother.
Juke, Mother wants you to go flying with her.
I've made other plans.
I'm flying with some of the guys to the Riviera.
That's it, Juke.
Keep up the good work.
Mother does not like you to fly so far from home.
Tough! I positively forbid it.
Tough and double-tough.
I'm a warlock, and what I say goes.
Bravo, Juke.
How do you feel? Strong, like the warlock I am.
Take me to the enemy.
Mother, let's get one thing straight.
Juke, dear, you' re blocking my sun.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Mother, I will not fly with you today, so don't even bother to ask me.
- And furthermore - Juke, dear be a good boy and bring Mother a cup of iced nectar.
Not only am I an adult, I'm a warlock, which is the strongest thing around.
Juke, Mother is thirsty.
And what I say goes because every witch knows my word is Would you like cream or lemon in your nectar? Lemon.
Oh, Samantha, you' re back.
The wedding's off, right? Wrong.
It's still on.
And the irony of it is that Juke doesn't even want to marry me.
Well, then there's no problem.
You don't know Juke.
Carlotta has him very well trained.
On command, he sits and heels.
He even fetches.
Oh, Samantha, what a shame.
A shame is getting a run in your stocking.
This is a catastrophe.
Oh, I'm afraid, my darling, that you' II have to go through with it.
Carlotta's a very powerful witch.
As strong as she is she must have a weakness, an Achilles' heel.
As a matter of fact, she has Achilles' heel.
It's bronzed and mounted on her mantelpiece.
Yet there's something about her, something vulnerable.
I warn you, Samantha.
Zap for zap, she's unbeatable.
Mother, I'm not going to fight her with witchcraft.
I've just thought of a much more powerful weapon.
That's Carlotta's calling card.
She always was one for a big entrance.
I think I' II make a little exit.
How dare you desert my son.
Perhaps you have forgotten: Help! Help! The next time, I put animals behind those sounds.
You dare to yawn in the jaws of my power? Carlotta, your threats are beginning to bore me.
Very well, Samantha, you asked for it.
Lions and tigers, after your prey Darrin Stephens is your feast today.
Mother, please wait.
Samantha, she means it.
She's serious.
She' II really do it.
Let her.
- Let her? - Let me? Yes.
Do you know what your problem is, Carlotta? Oversell.
You don't have enough faith in your own son.
Well, that's true, Mother.
You' II have to admit that.
Juke is warm and sensitive.
You think so? Of course.
And how could I resist that personality that charm, that wit.
Well, after all, he is his mother's son.
And his looks.
He's also his father's son.
Gee, Samantha.
I should have tried to played down my attractiveness.
I'm sorry it got out of hand.
I owe you a great debt, Juke.
Being married to a mortal was a strain.
You've set me free.
I think this calls for a little celebration.
Champagne.
For our new, happy little family.
To our new family.
What's the matter? You' re not drinking.
Don't you like the toast? Of course he does.
It's just that he doesn't drink.
It gives him flushes.
It does not.
Mother says it does.
Nonsense.
One little drink can't hurt him.
I am his mother.
And if I say no, it's no.
I am his wife-to-be, and I say yes.
Well, I guess he could have one little drink.
Good.
To our new life together.
Gee, oh, I like this stuff.
Samantha, you' re gonna make a great wife.
- Oh, it's only the beginning, Juke.
- Beginning? What beginning? Of the new Juke.
For instance, look at the way he's dressed.
Where'd you get that suit, Juke? Mother zapped it for me.
Well, it' II have to go.
I'm beautiful.
- Groovy.
- Ghastly.
A wife has something to say about the way her husband dresses and I say: I am his mother, and I say: Hold it! I'm the wearer, and I say it stays.
Well, all of this will straighten out when you are married and come home to live.
Oh, surely you don't think we' re gonna live with you? Atta-witch, Samantha.
But don't worry, Carlotta.
You' II have visitation rights.
You will allow me to visit my own son? Oh, well, of course.
I'm not heartless.
You can visit him every other Sunday.
And you can always phone me.
Juke.
You may look, but don't touch.
This marriage is off! Oh, no, this marriage is not off.
What? Mother, I've been thinking lately.
You shouldn't think too much.
It makes you bald.
I've been thinking.
A deal is a deal.
- I'm going to marry Samantha.
- Juke Just come home with me and I won't ever tell you what to do again.
She won't even suggest.
Well, let's see.
First of all, I dig these clothes.
What you dig is all I desire.
And another thing, I'm gonna live on my own cloud.
No.
That's where I draw the line.
Juke, at least get a cloud on the same block as your mother.
Well Well, okay.
Now, pop off, Mother.
I' II be right there.
Now, wait a minute.
What about Darrin? I will send Darrin to you as soon as you send Juke to me.
- I hate to rush you, Juke - Oh, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I did want to thank you for showing me how to handle my mother.
- Anytime.
- And, Samantha if you ever get tired of being married to a mortal l' II be around.
I think I' II make mine a double.
I think I' II have a double too.
A double? Well, it's been quite an evening.
I' II drink to that.
There is nothing like a nice, quiet evening at home just the two of us.
You' re right.
There's nothing quite like it.
Just in time for my second cup of café au lait.
Sorry, Mother dear, but I'm down to my last drop.
Oh, well, no matter.
I prefer instant coffee anyway.
What are you doing up so early? Or haven't you been to sleep yet? I bring news, Samantha.
A letter from Juke.
Well, it's been months since his emancipation.
I was wondering how he was getting along.
Well, he says that - Mother, you didn't.
- Of course not.
How could you think that I'd What did the dear boy say? "Dear Samantha just a note to let you know that I found the right girl for me and we' re getting married.
" - Isn't that wonderful? - Go on.
"And just as soon as my wife decides when we' re going on our honeymoon and when we' re coming back and where we' re going to live l' II let you know, and you can visit us.
- That is if my wife will allow it.
- That is if my wife will allow it.
- Love, Juke.
" - Love, Juke.
" Oh, Mother.
- You' re such a naughty witch.
- I know.