Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s05e04 Episode Script

[KNOCKING]
Thank you so much for coming.
What is the emergency?
Well, I I guess I could've
told you over the phone,
but I wanted to see your face.
Okay, my face is here. Tell me.
My dear, wonderful Abishola
you're gonna be an auntie!
Oh, my God, you are having a baby?
- I am!
- I did not even know you were dating someone.
I'm not.
- Have you told the father?
- I have no idea who it is.
Christina!
But it's gonna be one of the dudes
in this binder.
You keep a record of all
the men you have slept with?
Yes. But not this one.
These are potential sperm donors.
Oh, so you are not pregnant?
Not yet, but my womb is willing.
One might say eager.
And you have not slept
with all these men?
Oh, I wish. [LAUGHS]
Especially this guy
six-foot-five and Swedish.
Viking sperm.
Okay, so what do you want from me?
[SIGHS] IVF is a long process.
There's fertility shots,
egg retrieval, embryo transfer.
I'm gonna need someone to lean on.
Of course, I'll be there for you.
Great.
What do you say we make it official,
and you shoot these hormones in my ass?
It will be my pleasure.
Oh!
This is gonna be fun.
Uh-huh. On three?
Okay, sure.
One.
Ow!
What happened to "three"?
This has to be fun for the both of us.
["IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING]
[CROWD CHATTER]
Hmm. That poor woman.
Having a baby all on her own.
It is Christina's choice.
Is she at least going to
invent a heroic father?
Perhaps one who died saving children
from a burning orphanage?
No, but that's very good,
I'll suggest it to her.
Mm-hmm.
She doesn't need a cover story.
She's a liberated woman,
and she can hold her head up high.
Nonsense.
This is what happens when you
give women too many rights.
I raised Dele on my own,
and he turned out great.
Mm-hmm.
Did he?
Yes!
Even now he has chosen
to become a dancer?
Yes.
Do you even believe what you are saying?
Yes.
Don't listen to her.
Dele is a great kid,
and he's gonna make you proud.
- Yes!
- Hmm.
Even if he performs in
ballet wearing a leotard?
Yes.
Have you spoken to your sister lately?
No. Why?
You should talk to her.
Oh, God. What's going on?
It is not my place to say.
Too late. Tell me.
Are you familiar with
in vitro fertilization?
Please tell me she's breeding horses.
Christina is planning on having a baby.
And she told you?
I'm a nurse. She wants my help.
You want to help her?
Talk her out of it.
She's a grown woman, Bob.
Is she?
And the process has already started.
Ah, damn it.
You need to be supportive of this.
She's very nervous.
Well, she should be.
She's not capable of
raising a child by herself.
She will learn.
She has a lot more going for her
than I did when I had Dele.
No, it's different. You're you.
You're smart, independent, strong.
And she's
Come on, talk her out of it!
Bob, she has a right to do
whatever she wants with her body.
Do you know how long turtles live?
Up to 100 years.
You know how long hers lived?
We don't know! She lost it!
Well, this is happening,
so you might as well be happy for her.
Yeah, I guess I can pretend.
Yay. I'm so happy for you.
Maybe just give her money.
That I can do.
Okay, on a count of three.
Don't mess with me this time.
Of course not.
[SIGHS]
One.
[GASPS] Ow!
Still fun.
You've got a little sadist in ya.
I do.
Just so you are aware,
sometimes the hormones
can affect your mood.
Yes, I'm aware,
and that's not going to happen with me.
Probably not,
but I just thought you should know.
I do know.
Why do you think I'm
reading all this baby crap?
You are right. I'm sorry.
Do you think I'm just
sitting around here
waiting for Nurse Abishola
to tell me how my body works?
No.
Good.
You bought a breast pump?
Yes! What's it to you?!
What is it to you?
You are not even pregnant.
I need to practice!
I have very sensitive nipples!
- Okay.
- [MOCKING]: Okay.
You didn't tell Bob
I was doing this, did you?
Of course not.
- Huh.
- What?
He Venmo'd me a thousand
dollars for no reason.
Oh. Maybe he's just a nice
guy who loves his sister.
Oh, grow up, will you?
So what do you think?
I think
Yay! I'm so happy for you.
- Really?
- Of course. I'm 100% behind you.
Oh, thank you so much, big brother.
Now I just have to find
the courage to tell Mom.
I'm sure she'll be very
loving and supportive.
I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.
DOTTIE: Hello!
She's here.
- Okay, you can do this.
- [SIGHS]
There should be a way to choose
"no woman driver" on Uber.
Maybe wait.
Wait for what?
Uh, Christina has some good news.
Oh, that'll be a first.
I've started IVF treatment.
I'm going to have a baby
and raise it on my own.
Oh.
I don't need your approval.
I don't need your permission.
This is something I've
chosen for myself
Aw. Come here!
What's happening?
I'm so happy for you.
Now, that is how you pretend.
You're really okay with this?
Of course.
It's better than getting knocked up
by some loser you'll just drive away.
There's our mom.
I'm finally gonna have a grandbaby!
What about Dele?
Oh, he showed up already cooked.
I want one I can put my stink on.
That's really sweet, Mom.
I almost lost hope.
Lord knows the ship has
sailed with these two.
No ship has sailed.
It hasn't?
We could still have a
baby if we wanted to.
But you decided not to.
I never said "no."
So you want a baby?
I did not say that.
So you don't want a baby?
I did not say that, either.
Listen to me.
You're not saying anything!
Because there's no talking to you!
Let's go.
All this yelling is bad for your eggs.
We are done yelling.
Bob has made up his mind.
I don't even know what
the hell's happening!
Here's a weird question.
Any of your friends at
school have a dad that's
a little older?
What do you mean? Like, 50?
Older.
Mm. Let me think.
One kid has a dad that uses a walker
and an oxygen tank on a little cart.
He's got to be pretty old.
Do they have a good relationship?
I guess. I've seen him
feed his dad applesauce,
so, that's kind of sweet.
That's horrible.
Why do you ask?
No reason.
Are you and Mom thinking
of having a kid?
I said no reason.
Okay. Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
What?
I'm just trying to imagine
feeding you applesauce.
Open up for the choo-choo.
Knock it off.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What're you doing?
- Looking up baby names.
What do you think about Moses Wheeler?
Little biblical, isn't it?
That's hip now.
Bible names are trending. Check it out:
Ezekiel, Ezra,
Boaz.
Judas in there?
Too soon.
What if it's a girl?
Way ahead of you.
Gomorrah.
Morrah for short.
You think maybe Christina
should have a say in the name?
Eh.
If it's a girl, maybe she'll want
to name her after you.
Gomorrah Dorothy. I like it.
Well, whatever the name is,
you just got to respect that
it's her life and her baby.
Her life and our baby.
Oh, boy.
Come on, what?
If she's not gonna have a husband,
- she's gonna need me.
- Well, that's nice,
but how long do you think
you're gonna be around?
[SHUSHES]
Don't put that out there.
I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.
Well, nobody plans on it,
but you did have a
stroke a few years ago.
And look at me now,
drinking like a teenager.
I wish I was as optimistic as you.
What are you talking about, slim?
You cheated death, too.
Barely. Every time I get heartburn
I think I'm going to meet Jesus.
Jesus.
Good name. No spin.
It's nice to see you excited
about having a grandkid.
I am. Mark my words,
I'll be sitting front row,
watching they/them graduate college.
You know what, I think you will.
And with any luck,
I'll be sitting right next to you.
- Maybe.
- All right.
If you look at the facts,
I've only had one child,
so, by Nigerian standards,
I'm a failure.
That is true.
Many of my friends
think you are a lesbian.
Lesbians can have children.
Okay, Gloria, we get it, you are woke.
All right, look,
what you're going through is normal.
When my kids left the house,
this little voice in my head
kept telling me to have another baby.
What did you do?
I made my husband get a vasectomy.
Snip-snip, problem solved.
[LAUGHS]
So you are saying this
is all happening because
Dele is leaving soon?
Exactly.
But once you get used to
not seeing him every day,
you'll be thrilled to have your freedom.
And be the carefree gay woman
everyone thinks you are.
But on the other hand,
Bob and I would make an adorable baby.
Did the little voice tell you that?
- Yes.
- Here, drown it.
Here's your tea.
Thanks.
So,
when does the doctor slip the ol'
turkey baster
up your hoo-ha?
Mom.
I want to be there.
At conception. When life begins.
You're serious?
Damn right.
And I want to catch Moses
when you push him out.
Who's Moses?
Not important.
Just so you know,
I will be there every step of the way.
Thanks.
- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.
When did your maternal instinct kick in?
Honestly, when you told me
I'm having a grandkid.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Truth is, the moment
the nurse hands you your baby
and you look down at that
sweet, helpless little thing,
you just know.
Anybody messes with it,
you'll tear their frickin' throat out.
That's nice, thank you.
Oh, you don't have to thank me.
We're gonna be a great mom.
My little buddy.
Ek'ale, Mom.
Have you been drinking?
Of course not. Why would you ask that?
You called me "little buddy."
Because that's what you are.
Is that grilled cheese?
Ye Help yourself.
Mmm.
I know I'm very hard on you,
but you are a good boy.
Yeah, you were drinking.
Do not be disrespectful.
Do you remember when your father left
and it was just you and me?
A little.
Oh.
It was so very difficult.
You never made it seem that way.
'Cause I did not want you to worry.
I always wanted you to be happy.
My happy little buddy.
I'll make you some coffee.
Do you remember when
I had to work two jobs
and some days I had to take you with me?
Kind of.
I would put you in the corner
with your coloring books.
And you never complained once.
I remember that.
You do?
You'd give me money for
the vending machine.
It was the only time I
was ever allowed candy.
And now you have perfect teeth.
You're welcome.
You know,
if you had another kid with Bob,
it'd be a lot easier this time.
Why would you say that?
You're not alone.
You have a good job
and Bob has a good job.
I cannot talk about this with you.
I just want you to know
that I'm all for it.
I'd love to have a little brother.
- Good night.
- A sister's good, too.
Stop talking.
Look at my sexy bookworm.
Have you been drinking?
What is it with everyone?
Can a grown woman not
get drunk on a weeknight?
Come here.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, uh
I've made a decision.
Mmm. Tell me.
Then I will tell you
if it's the right one.
Um, I'm okay not having another kid.
Good for you.
You know, I'm happy with how things are.
Mm-hmm, me, too.
And, uh, you know,
what makes me truly happy is
living my life with you and Dele.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, he's just going off to college,
it's not like he's gonna
be out of our lives.
- Of course not.
- Right.
And-and when he's not around,
we can
we-we can enjoy every day together.
Absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
So, you you agree?
About what?
Not having another kid.
I never said that, you said that.
We should probably figure this out
before we continue.
Do not tell me what to do.
Okay, you tell me what to do.
So far,
you like donor number 22's height,
number 43's wavy hair
and 55's interest in woodworking.
My baby's gonna build me a log cabin.
Our baby.
You should pick someone with
a strong educational background.
This kid'll be smart. It's a Wheeler.
You should pick someone with
a strong educational background.
Brains aren't everything.
He or she might be a great athlete.
It runs in our family.
No one runs in our family.
I don't know, Christina,
slim pickings here.
What are you talking about?
When Moses comes of age,
he will sit on the throne
of a therapeutic hosiery empire.
I'm not seeing
a lot of royal sperm here.
Hang on, I am not sure
I want my child in the sock business.
Then what the hell are we doing here?
Wasting my time.
And his name's not Moses.
[SHOUTS]