Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e04 Episode Script

Buffy's like nobody else in the world.
But she doesn't love me.
- Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": - What have you done to me? Professor Walsh.
She implanted the behaviour modifiier.
- A chip in my head.
- Actually, the chip is here.
Tied directly into your central nervous system through the thoracic nerve.
What's happening to me? - Walsh was feeding you drugs.
- Something's crawling inside.
I don't wanna think about the damage our guys could do in withdrawal.
Buffy? If you're going out, why don'tyou take your sister? Mom! Nobody knows who I am.
Not the real me.
No one understands.
No one has an older sister who's a slayer.
- Riley? - Buffy, what are you doing here? - My job? - I thoughtyou were in the north sector.
Watch out! Never mind.
Why do I even bother to show up? Spike, what are you doing here? Same thing as you and your cub scout here, I'll wager.
A spot of violence before bedtime.
What? I softened him up.
Better keep out of my way, Spike.
I'm not gonna take this much longer.
And do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets? - Would it keep you out of my way? - She's right.
You shouldn't be out here when she's patrolling.
Oh! I sawthat.
Looks like neither boy's entirely welcome.
You should take him home, Slayer.
Make him stay there.
I've got knitting needles he can borrow.
Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood.
You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say.
Go home.
It's blood.
It's what I do.
Hey, hope I didn't get in the way.
Of course not.
I was just startled.
And, you know I don't love the idea of you patrolling alone.
- Not much for bench-warming.
- No, you made the squad.
You threwthat vampire like he was a teeny-weeny little vampire.
Hey, you wanna go again? I bet this place is just teeming with aerodynamic vampires.
Nah.
Unless you wanna go back and kill Spike for the fun of it? I will know your blood, Slayer.
I will make your neck my chalice and drink deep.
Ow! You can't possibly be arguing that Marat didn't betray the French Revolutionaries.
This was the guy who declared the rights of man, and then the next thing you know he's killing Girondins like it's going out of style.
Will, you're missing my point.
I agree that Marat wasn't a real martyr, but the death in the tub, the neck wound just a little more fangy than knifey.
- Charlotte Corday wasn't a martyr either - Buffy - What? - Listen to us.
We're arguing.
We're having a debate about a college lecture.
I have dreamt of this day since forever.
You are turning into quite the student.
- Should I be watching my occipital lobe? - Your what? Occipital.
The lobe in the back of your brain.
You know, like, "Should I be watching my back?" You know, the back of your brain.
Apparently not.
Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the family.
I don't know.
You've been studying really a lot.
I'm trying.
But they're piling on the reading and Giles fills any free time with training.
- This working hard is hard work.
- Isn't it crazy like that? I thought it was gonna be like in the movies.
You know - inspirational music, a montage, me sharpening my pencils, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a pile of books, my glasses crooked, cos in my montage I have glasses.
But real life is slow and it's hurting my occipital lobe.
Oh! Poor Buffy's brain.
I'm heading to training now.
You wanna come with? I'm in.
Maybe we can argue some more about the French Revolution.
Hey! Wasn't that Robespierre the coolest? - Robespierre? You're kidding me, right? - I'm just getting it going.
It seems the plans worked perfectly.
Yeah, blueprints.
Not a bad idea.
That and getting straight "measure twice, cut once".
For the longest time I had it backwards.
Mess-y! - Well, I must say, I'm very impressed.
- Yeah, carpentry is pretty cool.
Oh! Who put the monkey head near the Styx water? Do we want to pick exploded monkey out of our hair? Trick or treat! - Come on in.
- Thank you, kind proprietor.
- Hey, you.
- Hey! Oh, wow, this place looks great.
Oh, I feel like a witch in a magic shop.
Ooh.
Are these real newt eyes? No, too rich for my blood, I'm afraid.
No, these are salamander eyes.
The cataracts give them their newt-like appearance.
They're equally effective.
It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery.
You gotta set up a blind taste test and prove that generic amphibian eyes are just as good.
I don't know.
If you ask me, the newt name still means something.
- You ready to train? - You betcha.
- Shall we then? - We shall then.
I just keep thinking how cool it would be, if we got a real psychic to sit up here and read fortunes and stuff.
- You should do it.
- Not me.
But I'd love to watch and learn.
From someone who's really good.
You're really good.
I'll prove it.
Here, do me.
What do you see? Willow hand.
Ow! Riley! - Just keeping you on your toes.
- Or off them, as it were.
What got into? Oh, my God.
Look at this place! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- You need a proper space to train, so - I love it.
So, come on, let's test this puppy out.
Think you can take me? - What's the matter? Afraid of competition? - It must have been so much work.
I'm the dummy man.
I mean, I made the dummy.
The thing thatyou hit that doesn't hit back.
- That, I made.
- It's great.
- It's all great.
- Well, you've earned it.
Truly.
Thank you, guys, so much.
You're like my fairy godmother and Santa Claus and Q, all wrapped up into one.
Q from Bond, not Star Trek.
I'm gonna go change.
Oh, Pacey, you blind idiot.
Can'tyou see she doesn't love you? - Well, well, well.
Lookee here.
- Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now with a stake! She won't give up until she's killed me to death! - Buffy's looking for you? - Of course! That's why I'm on the lam.
Didn'tyou hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis! Is that right? I must have missed the memo.
There was a mem? Spike, oh my God! This is, like, a real emergency! I need a hideout so bad.
You're my only hope.
We're just gonna have to rise above our petty differences Listen, Spike I'm desperate.
Desperate, are you? Come on, Spike.
Pretty please? I'll do anything! Anything? Will you? Yeah! I said I'll do anything.
You mean will I have sex with you? Well, yeah.
Taking up smoking, are you? I am a villain, Spike.
Hello-o! I guess you are at that.
What with the Slayer on your tail and all.
She's not the type to give up, either.
She'll huntyou down, day and night, till you're too tired and too hungry to run any more.
And then Then that is you.
I guess you're gonna have to kill her.
I tried! It was all hard and stuff! - You do it.
- I'd love to.
But I can't.
Remember? I've got this cute government chip in my head.
Right.
Guess it'll have to be me after all.
Can you help with the thinking? Yeah.
I suppose I could do that.
Mm, that was relaxing.
You wanna relax some more? Again? Right away again? - Maybe you're too tired.
- Hey! I have the endurance of ten men.
Let's make it women, OK? Just for the imagery.
Whatever.
You know, it takes a lot to wear me out.
Oh, I love a challenge.
Well, wouldn'tyou? Every kid tries to make the substitute cry.
- It's like a rite of passage.
- I certainly would not.
Being a substitute is an extremely difficult job.
Besides Honestly, Dawn, how many bowls of cereal are you planning on eating? These aren't for eating.
I'm trying to get the extra out of the way so I could get this! Anyway, I want eggs.
You want the cereal prize, but not the cereal.
You are growing up.
All righty.
Half an omelette coming up.
Oh, with ketchup, if you please? What is the? Who are you? Hey.
How's Mom? Are you OK? - I'm OK.
- And your mom's doing just fine.
- This is Ben.
He gave me his stethoscope.
- Lentyou his stethoscope.
Buffy, right? I'm Ben.
I'm an intern here.
I'm hanging out with the renowned Dr Dawn while your mom's being tested.
So what's going on? What happened? She's doing OK.
The doctors don't know why she collapsed.
It could've been a dizzy spell, low blood sugar - But it's nothing bad.
It's not serious, right? - Very unlikely.
- She doesn't have a history of fainting? - No, not that I know of.
It doesn't looktoo serious.
Thank God.
I was freaking out.
I know I'm repeating myself here, but I don't know how else to convince you.
I have never let a patient with tachycardia this severe leave a hospital.
- You said you couldn't keep me.
- Legally, no.
I can't force you.
But with that pulse I'd get on my knees and beg, if I thought I could change your mind.
- You can't.
I'm going home.
- And your friend can't convince you to I'm going.
All right then, butyou're leaving against my recommendation.
What's going on? What are you doing? - What if you have a heart attack? - Listen.
Calm down.
Me calm down? I'm not the one with a pulse of 150.
My heart's different than yours.
It works differently now, but it's OK.
You're still a human.
You could still have a heart attack.
I'm a human who was used as a lab rat for months.
- Hi.
- Hey.
How are you? Oh, embarrassed, mostly.
I'm sorry to putyou through this.
But no more tests, so you can take this pincushion home.
Yes.
Let's get outta here.
What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold.
I say puzzle it.
No, thanks, Willow.
I like chicken fingers with mustard when I'm sick.
I know you do.
I can make us some later.
Uh-uh.
You are sitting right here on this couch today.
I feel silly lying here like a lump.
You could make a game out of it.
A very quiet game, about being a lump.
I feel fine.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about Riley than I am about me.
You shouldn't even be thinking about that.
He's not worried, so we shouldn't be.
I don't get what he's thinking.
Why isn't he worried? Maybe he thinks his body can handle it.
He is in really good shape.
Nobody's body can handle a heart attack.
I know.
I'm sorry, Buffy.
I'm trying too hard to make it OK.
I just keep coming backto the Initiative.
It does have that icky government feel to it.
Did you knowthat the CIA tried to kill Fidel Castro with a poisonous aspirin? Dawn, please.
I know I have to do something.
I just don't know what.
- Another time the CIA - Dawn! It's important.
tried to make Castro go crazy by putting itching powder in his beard.
It's about the government! Call the Initiative.
If they know what's wrong, they have to help.
Yeah, but call how? First of all, they don't exist any more, and, secondly, they never claimedto exist in the first place.
It's so unfair.
It's like Big Brother can spy on you all the time, and the second I have something to say no one will listen.
- Sounds more like Big Sister.
- There has to be a way.
Like what? Take a tour of the White House and pretend to get lost, and look for a door with a sign that says "Secret Government Monster Hunters"? If they're really spying all the time, say something so they'll hear you.
Like, sometimes, I write fake things in my diary in case I gotta go.
See you guys later.
What'd I say? Riley? Riley's in trouble.
He needs help.
Oh, you're kidding! No way, man! I'm out.
- Graham.
- Riley.
Can we talk? Agent Goodman, Agent Brown.
- So talk.
- What's going on, man? We gotta get this taken care of.
We gotta getyou into an operating room.
Very convincing.
Makes me completely wanna put myself under government control.
Take me to where they can make me unconscious and naked.
- You think I'd pull something on you? - I don't know what orders you're following.
You know Walsh pumped all those chemicals and crap into us.
You got more than anyone.
She messed us up bad.
And nowthe government wants to kiss it and make it better.
Riley, I'm telling you, you need help.
I'm not saying it to trick you.
- Maybe you even believe it.
- I know it.
You don't want this.
- You're sure you got the fix for it? - Yeah.
We got a guy.
A doctor.
He's gonna take care of you, and we're going to him now.
I'm not giving you a choice.
I guess you're not.
So you messed up and now he's gone.
What's wrong with him? - I'm not permitted to say.
- Say.
Hyperadrenal overload and stuff that sounds worse.
He's way stronger than he oughta be and feeling no pain.
His heart can't take it.
We've been at him for weeks about it.
There's a specialist waiting at Sunnydale General, Neurology.
- Get Riley there.
If you don't - I'll get him there.
I'll tell the doc.
And Buffy? If you tell me to hurry, I'll kick your ass.
- Poor Riley.
- Could he have gone backto his apartment? No, he's not at his apartment, he's not at the gym or the library.
- He's gone somewhere he can't be found.
- Basically, he's gone AWOL.
Basically exactly.
- Poor Buffy.
- Maybe he just needs some time alone.
I had this friend once who really liked this girl, and he got all worried that she didn't like him back, and maybe that made him act like a total jerk.
Maybe Riley reminds me of that friend.
What are you talking about? Then again, maybe he just wants attention.
Here's a hot tip, if you want attention.
Be there so people can give it to you.
I care aboutyou, Xander.
- Thanks.
- Don't be insecure.
Thanks.
I won't.
Cos I also have this "friend", and I have it on really good authority that she really likes that guy, your "friend".
And, by the by, my friend You guys, enough! OK, Riley is in real danger here.
Anya, Xander, why don'tyou checkthe docks.
Aye aye.
Tara and I can scope out the burned-out school.
Riley hid there once.
Maybe he feels it's homey or something.
Homey.
You know what else he might find homey in a dank, unpleasant, evil sort of way? The Initiative caves.
But I don't knowthem too well.
I had an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin-deprived hand.
I so don't wanna deal with Spike right now.
He's really starting to bug me, in that "I wanna shove something wooden through his heart" way.
He does seem extra twitchy lately.
Maybe the whole not killing is getting to him.
Plus, hanging out in that mouldy crypt, you just knowhe's doing something nasty.
OK, is it bigger than a breadbox? No.
Four left.
- So it's smaller than a breadbox.
- No! Only three! - Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox? - Yes! Oh, my God! Someone's Blondie Bear's a 20-question genius! She's found me! I've got a proposition for you.
Funny.
I've got a proposition for you.
What about knocking? Seems only fair since we vamps can't enter your flat without Look at those pieces of paper.
Riley's sick with some Initiative thing and he's missing.
Find him.
Bring him to the fourth floor of the hospital.
Their doctors get to him in time, you get the cash.
Oh, dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die? He is not the only person that can die.
Hey.
I'm just saying, if it's really that important to you, I think I'll get half now.
So? What'd she say about me? - Any word? - They'll be here any minute.
That's soon enough, right? I mean, if we bring him in now? I'll be honest.
I'm not sure it's soon enough if you brought him in yesterday.
Finally.
You gotyourself a new patient, Doc.
Look, you don't understand.
This is a complicated neurological procedure and I've never performed it before.
Little performance anxiety, eh, Doc? Butterflies in the old belly? Harm, do us a favour.
Shoot the nasty butterflies for the good doctor.
There you go, Doc.
It's not so complicated.
Just do what those Initiative lab monkeys did, only backwards.
This is a medical school, not a proper operating facility.
And these instruments They look pointy enough.
They'll do.
You're not listening.
That chip is deeply embedded in your cerebral cortex.
- Removing it could leave you a vegetable.
- That's not gonna happen, mate.
See, I have faith in your survival instinct.
Yeah.
You'll have me up and killing before the night's over.
Come on, Doc! You do me right, nothing bad'll happen to you.
Oops! String was slippy.
Riley! This place kinda creeps me out.
You shoulda been here when it was a school.
Riley! - Darkness.
- Piles of it.
- We should've brought a flashlight.
- Ooh! I know! Better to light a candle than curse the damn darkness.
A little spell.
Fiat lux! There, that's better.
Riley! Come on out! - How'd you do that? With the light? - Oh, you know.
You taught me.
I taughtyou teeny Tinkerbell light.
OK, so I tinkered with the Tinkerbell.
It was easy.
And besides, isn't this better than using a flashlight like some kind of doofus? Riley? Riley, answer me.
Please.
Riley? You know, this doesn't even hurt.
- Your hand is bleeding.
- Don't feel a thing.
This stops now.
I'm taking you to the doctor.
The one from the government? Like the ones who did this to me in the first place? He understands what's wrong with you.
He's the only one that can help.
What's wrong with me? I'm more powerful than ever.
- Most people would kill to feel this way.
- Yeah, and this feeling is going to kill you.
- Your body won't take this kind of stress - I can handle it.
This is my deal, Buffy.
Just back off.
What is this? What's happening to you? I go back, let the government get whimsical with my innards.
They could do anything Best-case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal.
Just Just another guy.
And that's not enough for you? It's not enough for you.
- Why would you say that? - Come on.
Your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian.
So that's what this is about? You're going to die, all over some macho pissing contest? It's not about him.
It's about us.
You're getting stronger every day, more powerful.
I can't touch you.
Every day you're just a little further out of my reach.
You wanna touch me? I'm right here.
- I'm not the one running away.
- Notyet.
So you have us all figured out? I'm bailing because you're not in the superclub.
- It's human nature.
- Don't Psych 101 me.
Not now.
Not after everything that Nobody has ever known me the way you do.
Nobody.
I've opened up to you in ways that I've never opened up to God, you're just sitting backthere thinking that none of this means anything to me.
- I never said that.
- It obviously doesn't mean anything to you.
- Do you think so little of me - Buffy.
No! No.
Do you thinkthat I spent the lastyear with you because you had superpowers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike.
Riley, I need you.
I need you with me.
And I need you healthy.
But if you wanna throw it all away because you don't trust me, then then I am still gonna make you go to that doctor.
Take me to him.
We have to hurry.
Loving you is the scariest thing I've ever done, Buffy.
I don't know why.
The doctor said we didn't have much time.
I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real sex organ is his brain.
Yuck! No contest.
I mean, look at it.
It's so pink and wriggly-looking.
- Can I touch it? - No! - Oh, my God, you're awake? - Local anaesthetic.
Wow, Spikey.
How does it feel? Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint.
You know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? - It means he can't even pick flowers.
- What? Yes, I can! Please be quiet.
- Is it supposed to do that? - Please.
- For God's sake, please be quiet.
- Listen, buster.
I don't see a crossbow in your hands, OK? Harmony, if your incessant prattling bollockses up this operation, I'm gonna personally yank outyour pink and wriggly tongue.
What are you looking at? - Uh-oh.
- Graham.
Graham.
- How many fingers I got up? - 17.
- Hostile 17 and a blonde girl.
- Spike and Harmony, together again.
- Where's Dr Overheiser? - Spike must have taken him.
What would Spike want with? The chip.
He's gonna force the doctor to remove the chip from his brain.
- Riley? - I'm OK.
OK.
We're running out of time.
We don't find the medic soon, he's not gonna make it.
OK.
OK, brain surgery.
He's gonna need a medical facility, he's gonna need equipment - It's a big hospital.
- No, he wouldn't do it here.
It's too risky.
We'll split up.
Graham, get on the horn, or the pipe, or whatever you guys get on.
I wantyou to check animal hospitals, doctors' offices Hey, about before Forget it.
Apologise later, if you're not dead.
- You are not going to die.
- Betyou say that to all the boys.
No.
There is one peroxided pest whose number's up.
I'm gonna rip Spike's head off.
I'm gonna Bathe in the Slayer's blood.
I'm gonna dive in it.
Swim in it.
I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.
I see it, Spikey! I see the chip! It's nestled like a pretty Easter egg with your brain around it, like that plastic grassy stuff Only this is more of a beige Would you please put out that cigarette? It's really not allowed.
Oh, yeah? Says who? Oh, God, sorry! Didn't see the sign.
The chip's out.
I didn't think I could do it.
It just It's out.
Yay! Yay for Spikey! Right, then.
Stitch me up, Doc.
Got places to go.
And slayers to kill.
Listen to me.
My stomach's growling, I'm so starved.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to have me a little snack.
Oh, don't worry.
I won't fill up on the bread.
I'll still have plenty of room for the main course.
Slayer! Suit up, Harm.
Stay here.
We're gonna need you.
Buffy, I swear I was just thinking of you.
I wanted to tell you the great news.
My head's all clear now.
No more bug-zapper in my noggin.
- Means I get to kill you.
- You get to try.
Oops! At long last.
Riley! Riley.
- A penny? - I told you I couldn't do it.
Oh, God.
Doctor! Doctor, we need you now! Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there! That nasty little face.
That bouncing shampoo-commercial hair.
That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.
She follows me, tracks me down.
I'm her pet project.
Drive Spike round the bend.
Makes every day a fresh bout of torture.
- Spike?! - You don't understand.
I can't get rid of her.
She's everywhere.
She's haunting me, Harmony.
This has got to end.
All patched up.
- How's it going in there? - Good.
Backto normal.
Yep.
And see? I'm still touchable.
Give me a week or so to heal and I'll take full advantage of that fact.
Are you gonna be OK? Cos I should really go check on my mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, go ahead.
I'll be fine.
I'll talkto you later.
It's good Buffy found you when she did, cos you were about to detonate big time.
- I've always said she's pretty impressive.
- You know, she really is.
Butyou know you don't belong here.
This town? You're nothing here.
Hey.
- What are you saying? - Come on, man.
You know it's true.
There's nothing for you here.
- There's her.
- OK, right, there's her.
And? You used to have a mission.
Now you're what? The mission's boyfriend? The mission's true love? You belong with us.
I should have known it was you.
Been nearly six hours.
I've been busy cleaning up your mess.
My mess? I just borrowed the doc.
The mess is yours, Slayer.
Yours and the boy's.
I'm done.
Spike, you're a killer.
And I should've done this years ago.
You know what? Do it.
Bloody just do it.
- What? - End my torment.
Seeing you every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around.
Take me out of a world that has you in it.
Kill me! Spike, I wantyou.
Buffy, I love you.
God, I love you so much.
Oh, God, no! Please, no.