Dad's Army (1968) s05e04 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? There we are, Mrs Yeatman.
Take two and three please, Doris.
-Good morning, Mr Jones.
-Good morning, Mrs Fox.
-Two books as usual? -No, it's three this week.
My brother's home on leave from the army.
-That's his card there.
-Ah, I see.
Right.
Have I got enough for a joint? Well, hardly a joint, Mrs Fox.
Now, here's your books, dear.
Unless you have brisket, that's cheap so you get plenty of it but it's rather tough.
Whereas if you has cutlets, you don't get so much of them but they're more toothsome.
-I'll take the cutlets.
-I haven't got any.
If you haven't got any, what are you blathering on about for? There's no call for you to be impatient, Mr Frazer.
There's a war on, you know.
Now, let me think.
What about some nice chump ends? See, you get plenty of those, they're not too tough and they're fairly toothsome.
Well, I'll take those.
I mean, I want to feed him up.
Because, well, he was at Dunkirk, you know.
-Dunkirk, was he? -Yes.
In that case, I'll let you have a couple of sausages.
-I didn't get any sausages.
-Well, you wasn't at Dunkirk, was you? No, but I made tea for 'em and I rolled bandages.
Well, you can't have sausages for that.
I've got to draw the line somewhere, you know.
Take three and seven, please, Doris.
-Thank you, Mr Jones.
-Thank you, Mrs Fox.
Now, Mr Frazer, what can I do for you? I didnae get my corned beef last week.
I've come for it now.
Well, you should've come this morning.
Look, that's all I've got left.
Them's crumbs.
I'm not paying the sliced rate for a lot of crumbs.
-Well, you can have the lot for sixpence.
-Done.
Have you, er.
-Have you heard about Sergeant Wilson? -No, what about him? -They say he's not to be found.
-Really? He hasn't been in the bank all day.
Now, as you very well know, -I'm not one to tittle-tattle or gossip of any kind -Oh, no, Mr Frazer.
-but it's my belief -Yes? -there has been a rift in the loot.
-What loot? Mrs Pike's loot, you old duffer.
There's been a rift in Mrs Pike's loot? -Poor Mr Wilson.
-Hello, Jonesy.
-Not a word to a soul.
-No, you can rely on me.
That's all right.
-How's tricks, Jonesy? -It's no good you coming round here, Joe.
You're not registered with me.
Anyway, we're closing the shop.
Raymond? Close up the shop.
-Cash up, Doris.
-How about a nice bit of rabbit? Rabbit? You'll be lucky.
I haven't seen one for six weeks.
You have now.
-Where did you get that? -That's Bugs Bunny.
He's given up the pictures for the war effort.
-It's five bob.
And I want the skin back.
-What for? I wouldn't put it past him to have it re-filled.
No, I've got this friend.
He makes mink coats.
Well, you can't get mink, can you? Look, one rabbit's no good to me.
That'll make my life a misery.
As soon as they heard I've got rabbit, there'll be a queue right up past Timothy White's.
-Take sixpence, please, Doris.
-Things are bad, are they, Jonesy? They're terrible.
I haven't had any offal in since Friday.
I got less than half a sausage per book and two tins of corned beef was blown.
And they blame me, you know.
I can't sleep at night.
I'm getting near to the thin end of my wedge, and that's a fact.
You don't want to worry about it, Jonesy.
It's not your fault.
Well, to hear them talk, you'd think it was.
Now, if I could get 50 of them, that would restore their faith in me.
No.
No chance of that I'm afraid.
You can't get the ammunition.
Well, I've got to get something off the ration from somewhere, Joe.
-Something off the ration, eh? -Yeah.
Well, I don't know, it'll be difficult.
I mean, the sources of supply are very limited, you know.
Wait a minute, I think it's just possible that I might be able to help you.
FRAZER: Have you heard about Sergeant Wilson? WALKER: No.
Well, don't tell a soul.
Don't breathe it to a soul, but there's kind of rumour going about.
SomethIng to be proud of Anyway, I was coming out of the library with another Ethel M Dell for my sister, Dolly, and I saw Sergeant Wilson in Alexandra Park with this girl.
I knew it.
There's a woman at the bottom of this.
He had his arm around her, but I'm sure there's nothing in it.
Away with you, man! There's depravity in every line of his face.
It'll be the ruin of him.
He's gone amok.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ah, Pike.
-Any news of Sergeant Wilson? -He's not at Mum's, Mr Mainwaring.
This is most unlike Wilson.
One thing you can always say about him is that he's dependable.
If he doesn't appear by this evening, I shall have to contact the police.
-I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr Mainwaring.
-Why not? Well, ermI'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later.
-Are you hiding something? -No, Mr Mainwaring.
Come along.
Out with it, boy.
Well the night before last, he and Mum had words.
-Now we're getting somewhere.
What happened? -Well, I was in bed at the time, so I couldn't hear much leaning over the banisters.
But, see, he shouted at Mum and she threw him out the front door -and threw his ration book after him.
-Yes, go on.
Well, after a bit, after he had thrown pebbles at her bedroom window, she shouted, ''Clear off, you beast,'' and then she chucked something at him and it broke.
Ah.
-Now I understand.
-Well, she got up early in the morning -and picked up the pieces.
-I see.
-All except the handle.
-Yes.
-Now, keep this to yourself, Pike.
-Yes, of course.
Come in.
Sir, Sergeant Wilson is still absent without leave.
Or, at least, not present without leave.
Shall I start the men up, sir? -Yes, please, Corporal.
-Thank you, sir.
-Cut along, Pike.
-Yes, sir.
All right, come on, now.
Fall in three ranks.
Come along, look sharp about it.
Come along, boys.
Where's Walker? Come on, come on, Walker, you're late.
Here, Jonesy, come here.
All your problems are over.
I've got them.
-Got what? -The off-the-ration meat.
Pigeons.
I've got six dozen of them.
-Pigeons? Where are they? -In the boiler house, next to Mainwaring's office.
We better put them in my cold room.
If we keep them in the boiler house, they'll go off.
-No, they won't.
-Why? They're not dead yet.
They're no good to me not dead, all flapping about.
They're not flapping about.
I've got them doped.
How do you think I caught them? -Well, where are they.
-Now, now, no talking, Corporal.
Squad, attention! Platoon ready for inspection, sir.
-Thank you, Corporal.
-Thank you, sir.
Fall in, please.
Why aren't you wearing uniform, Walker? I'm sorry, sir.
I was out supplying essential to supplies.
That's no excuse.
We're all doing essential work, you know.
Yeah, I know, sir, but there was a bit of flap on.
Stand at ease.
-You ready now, Corporal? -Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
I'm ready for anything, sir.
On Sunday, there will be a voluntary church parade.
And I shall expect you all to attend.
I wonder if you could have a word with the vicar, ask him to reduce his sermons.
They go on rather long and sometimes it can be very inconvenient.
That is something you'll have to take up with the vicar yourself, Godfrey.
Now, your arms drill is getting very sloppy.
You may not think this is very important, but I would prefer to go into battle with tidy soldiers than with sloppy and shoddy soldiers.
So, we're going to brass it up.
As Sergeant Wilson isn't with us tonight, I shall take it myself.
Right.
Properly at ease, everyone.
Squad.
(GROANING) No talking in the ranks.
Squad.
(GROANING) I shan't tell you again at the back.
Squad.
(MOANING) Just a moment.
What have we got back here? Wilson! Wilson! I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I didn't realise it was you.
I think I must have dropped off.
-Go to my office at once.
-What? -Into my office.
Quick as you can.
-Your office, sir.
Goodness me, my head.
Good evening to you all.
How awfully nice to be able to see you.
Oh, never mind that.
In my office.
Godfrey, how nice to see you and Jonesy, too.
-Very nice.
I shall go as quick as I can.
-Carry on, Corporal.
Yes.
-Excuse me, sir, carry on doing what? -The arms drill.
The arms drill.
Yes, I'd clearly forgotten.
I would give a whole English pound to be a fly on the wall of that office.
It has really nothing to do with us.
-What's the meaning of this? -Hm? -I said, what is the meaning of this? -I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I-I, er.
-I feel a bit dizzy.
-You look all in.
You better sit down.
Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you so much.
Very kind of you.
You must think all this is very strange.
-Have you been drinking? -Yes, I have.
I've certainly been doing that.
-Oh, my goodness me.
My head! -You must have had quite a skinfull.
Yes, but, you see, Walker got me that bottle.
It looks to me as if I've nearly finished it.
You better tell me all about it.
The last report I had of you was outside Mrs Pike's.
Yes, that's right.
Yes, yes.
It was a good thing she missed, wasn't it? It was all a misunderstanding, you see, sir.
She thought I'd been.
She thought.
She thought I'd been.
She thought I'd been.
Pull yourself together.
You're getting woolly-minded.
Well, it all began many years ago, you see.
A few years after the.
Oh, Lord.
A few years after the last.
A few years after the.
What's the matter? You keep going off into a dream.
Well, I keep seeing birds, you see.
If you take my advice, you'll sign the pledge.
I don't have to sit here and listen to your meanderings.
There's a war on.
Those troops have got to be trained.
Now look here, if you want to remain part of this platoon, you'll get out there and give them half an hour's arms drill.
-Yes, of course.
-Pull yourself together and get on with it.
Yes, all right, sir.
Yes.
-And we'll talk about this after the parade.
-Will we? Oh, Lord.
When I say jump to it, I want you to jump to it.
Don't do it all slovenly.
Thank you very much, Corporal Jones.
That's very kind of you.
I'll do my best to try and take over best I can.
Right.
Oh, heavens.
Right, squad.
Now, properly at ease everyone.
Squad, attention! Come on, Pike.
Come on, Pike.
Pay attention, please.
-Right, squad, slope arms.
-ALL: One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
Come on, Pike.
I said.
I'm sure I did.
I said slope arms.
-I'm not going to.
-I beg your pardon? -What? -I'm not going to.
You're not.
Oh, Lord.
You've done it now, lad.
That was mutiny.
You'll be shot.
-Yes.
-Terribly sorry to bother you again, sir, but Pike says he's not going to.
-Not going to what? -Slope arms.
-What's all this about? -I'm sorry to bother you, Mr Mainwaring.
-Could I have a word with you in private, please? -I think you better.
Come into my office.
-Now, what have you got to say? -I'm to ignore Sergeant Wilson.
Mum said so.
-Am I hearing you right? -Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
She said if I were to see Uncle.
Sergeant Wilson, I was to ignore him, so I did.
Now, hear, Pike, I'm running this platoon, not your mum.
Your mother.
-She didn't say I was to ignore you.
-That's very generous of her.
Well, you see, she said that Unc.
Sergeant Wilson was a bit of a cass.
Was a.
-She said that Uncle Wilson was a bit of a.
-Come on, spit it out, boy.
Mr Mainwaring there's a pigeon in your pigeonhole.
Jones! Wilson! -My office is alive with pigeons.
-My God, they must have woken up.
-Come along, Pike, get them out.
-No, don't do that.
No, hang on.
This will fix it.
-Get hold of that one, will you? -Come along, my little darling.
-Are you at the bottom of this, Walker? -Well, yes, sir.
You see, this friend of mine was a pigeon fancier, only he don't fancy them no more.
I thought you might be able to train them to take messages.
-Where are they coming from? -From the boiler house next door.
Oh, this is too wonderful.
A sergeant incapable, troops don't obey orders, now my office is an aviary! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) -What do you want? Come in, damn you.
-Mr Mainwaring.
It looks lIke raIn In Cherry Blossom Lane.
Right, that's the last lot, Jonesy.
I'm keeping these two for Mr Mainwaring.
You're not having these.
I don't know what's the matter with him.
I've never seen him in such a tiz-woz.
I thought he was gonna have me shot.
- Joe, how much do I owe you? -Five pounds.
Five pounds? Well, I had to give ten bob to Ted for topping them, didn't I? All right.
I'll give you the cash in the morning.
I tell you, catch them in the butchers.
Oi! Put that ruddy light out! Haven't you heard them Jerry planes flying over? -They won't see a little light like that.
-How'd you know? Have you been up there to have a look? I'm gonna book you for this.
You're showing more light with that silly torch of yours.
Look, come here.
Have a couple of pigeons and forget it.
-For me? -Yeah.
Oh, well.
Well, I suppose it's not a very big light, is it? Ta.
Thanks very much.
(INAUDIBLE WHISPERING) (AERIAL BOMBARDMENT IN THE DISTANCE) It's a fine barrage they're putting up tonight.
-Yes, 3.
7 s mostly.
-Awfully noisy things, aren't they? Pike.
It's after 9 o'clock.
Put the wireless on, we're missing the news.
Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm sorry we're late, Mr Mainwaring.
I had to get those pigeons in cold storage.
I don't want to hear anything more about them.
A little contribution for you and your good lady, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you very much.
RADIO: the mysterIous drop In the number of pIgeons In Trafalgar Square.
The Home Secretary saId he saw no cause for alarm and promIsed a full InvestIgatIon.
FollowIng a supplementary questIon, he felt It unlIkely that there was a lInk between thIs event and the fall of the populatIon of apes on the Rock of GIbraltar.
No, not the apes.
I cross my heart, I didn't touch one single ape.
-Yours, I think, Corporal.
-No, sir.
No, they're not mine, sir.
-They're yours, Joe.
-No, they're not mine.
-You bought all of them, remember? -I haven't paid for them yet, they're still yours.
I've just been listening to the wireless.
I've lost the taste.
-That's nice, innit? -Walker, Corporal Jones, you have my permission to fall out if there's anything you particularly want to do.
No, sir, I'm gonna stay here on duty.
Joe, here's the keys to my shop.
I think you better get a move on, go on.
Oh, that's nice.
Pull up the rope, Joe.
Mr Mainwaring, you think MI5 will come round? I can hear the headlines now.
I can see them.
''Home Guard Commander Arrested For Chasing Birds.
'' -Don't hang about, Walker.
-No, right.
You've got to smIle When you say goodbye (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Pike.
Please, sir, Mum says if you see Unc.
Sergeant Wilson, would you tell him that she'd like a word with him, please? I don't expect I shall see him.
I've given him a short compassionate leave to sort himself out.
Oh.
Oh, well.
She's white washing the spare bedroom ceiling, I think she needs some help.
I see.
I wouldn't have thought that was much in his line.
Well, he holds the stepladder for her.
Yes, well, he said he'd be back in time for church parade.
It seems rather a pity when rations are so short.
-Some people might be quite glad of them.
-Well, I don't know what he did, but they'd all gone when I got to my shop this morning.
Here, I got rid of them.
But it wasn't easy, I can tell you.
-Did anyone see you? -No, of course not.
-I put.
-Don't tell me about it.
Don't tell me, I don't want to know.
I'm going to tell Mr Mainwaring now, put his mind at rest.
Joe, you've never destroyed them, have you? Man, I couldn't bear the thought.
Course not.
What do you think I am, a mug? Listen, in a few days' time, I'll let you have a couple.
If we don't have an heat wave.
Mr Mainwaring, sir.
I thought you'd be interested to know that the things with feathers that we don't want to mention have been put in a place that I don't wanna know about, and neither do you, by a man who is going to remain anonymous.
And you won't hear anything more about it, sir.
-Yes, I see.
-Do I make myself plain, sir? -Yes, you do, Corporal.
Yes, quite plain.
-Thank you, sir.
Captain Mainwaring.
I wonder if you'd care to approve the hymns for Sunday.
I thought Lead, KIndly LIght, Rock of Ages, God Moves In a MysterIous Way, and Onward, ChrIstIan SoldIers.
Yes.
Those seem all right to me.
Nothing very controversial there.
The reason I ask is because we haven't had an organist since poor Mrs West passed away so we have to sing unaccompanied, which means the congregation must know the hymns.
I always give them the first note, of course.
(PLAYS NOTE ON PITCH-PIPE) -Well, no doubt we shall manage.
-Permission to interject, sir.
-Yes, what is it? -There's no need for the vicar to play on his pipe.
-You mean, you think I should la-la it? -No, no, you don't want him la-lahing.
Much better if he plays his pipe.
I quite agree with you, Captain Mainwaring.
I'd much rather do this.
Than this # La # -Yes.
-No, you misunderstand what I mean, you see.
Vicar can play on his pipe for the first three hymns and then for Onward, ChrIstIan SoldIers, I can play the organ.
-I had no idea that you played the church organ.
-No, sir, I was driven to it by passion.
-Really? -Yes, sir.
It all happened a long time ago in Leamington Spa.
I fell in love with this beautiful lady.
Well, she wasn't beautiful, she had rather an acid face.
As a matter of fact, sir, she had a very acid face.
But notwithstanding that, sir, what attracted me towards her was her knees.
-Knees? -Yes, sir, she had very flat knees.
I never seen anyone with such flat knees as she had.
And I found out why it was.
She was very a religious lady and she did a terrific lot of praying.
Anyway, notwithstanding that, I'm very sorry to say this, sir, but she drove me mad with lust, she did, sir.
And I was determined to make her look favourable on me, you see.
So, haunted by desire, I learned to play Onward, ChrIstIan SoldIers on the organ, you see, sir.
So there I was, night after night, day after day, just haunted by desire with her flat knees imprinted on my brain, sir.
And eventually I got it in my repertoire, you see, sir.
So, I rushed round to her house, filled with triumph, but it didn't do me any good, though, she'd moved to Bournemouth.
-But, you know, I never lost the touch, sir.
-Thank you very much, Corporal Jones.
That should make a nice change, shouldn't it, Captain Mainwaring? Yes, I'm sure it will.
-See you all on Sunday, then.
-Yes, righto, sir.
How I'd love to hear the organ In the chapel In the moonlIght WhIle we're strollIng down the aIsle I've been helping her with her blackout curtains.
-Put that cigarette out, Walker.
-Oh, yes, sorry.
Hey! Oh, I'm glad you could make it.
It's all been rather a trial, sir.
Could you spare time for a little chat after the service? -Yes, of course.
Yes, sir.
-Thank you.
Darling, there you are.
I'd forgotten you got this heavy suitcase.
Oh, dear, oh dear.
-I'm awfully sorry I won't be able to see you off.
-That's all right.
-I was afraid I was going to miss you.
-Yeah, well.
I'm glad I've seen you in your uniform.
It suits you very well.
-So does yours.
-Do you think so? -Yes.
Yes, I do.
-Well, I'm glad you like it.
Well, I must rush or I'll be late.
-Goodbye, Daddy.
-Bye, my darling.
-And thank you for coming to see me.
-Very glad I did.
-Goodbye.
-Bye.
Give my love to your mother.
-Fine lassie.
-Yes.
You see her mother left me when she was very young.
I haven't really seen very much of her over the years but I.
Well, I managed to get her to a good school.
-She does you credit.
-Yes, I.
I think it was worth it.
Still, you see, it's all in the past, really.
I didn't want anybody to know about this, you see.
I'm an old blatherskite, Wilson.
I know that, and so do you.
But I promise you nobody will ever hear a word about this from me.
Thank you, Frazer.
I won't forget that.
It was very kind of you.
-I'd better have one of these, hadn't I? -Oh, aye.
Thanks.
Get in.
And so this makes it, does it not, even more necessary that we should look into our own hearts, gaze closely at ourselves using the clear light of truth, and ask ourselves are we any better than that poor woman? If she were to stand in front of us today, would we be blameless? Could we be the one to cast the first stone? I hope you've been paying attention.
I've heard it all before.
And now to God the Father, God the Son.
Oi, where is Jonesy going? He's gonna play the organ for the last hymn, Onward, ChrIstIan SoldIers.
There.
What's the matter, Joe? You've gone pale.
-He can't do that.
-Why not? I've hidden 50 pigeons in the pipes.
Hymn 629, Onward, ChrIstIan SoldIers.
-I'll see you later.
-Where are you going, Walker? (STUTTERING) -I thought I'd help with the collection.
-Stay where you are.
Come on, now.
Pump away, Mr Yeatman, give me some air.
(ORGAN PLAYING OUT OF TUNE AND SQUEAKING) Come on, Mr Yeatman, can't you pump any faster than that? I'm already straining myself to the utmost.
(ALL SINGING, FALTERINGLY) (POPPING)