Daria s05e04 Episode Script

Wristwatch trying to make a break for it again? Lousy stupid watch just slipped off the counter without any provocation! Hey, Daria.
You've got small hands.
But my big brain tells me not to stick them into garbage disposals.
Why do they always put these stupid drains right in the middle of the sink anyway? Oww! Dad! Guess what? Camp Grizzly is having a fifth-year reunion.
Quick, put on CNN so we can catch the action as it unfolds.
Daria, you got an invitation, too.
And Jake, you got another one of those John Wayne collectable coins.
Rio Bravo! I'll going to put this one up next to Rio Lobo.
Huh? Looks a little like Rio Grande.
Darn.
This reunion is next weekend, and I already promised Prince Charming I'd go to the ball.
Well, I'm going.
I can't wait to see the friends I made in my days of childish innocence, before high school and its web of complicated and competitive relationships.
When just being girls together was enough.
Have you been watching Little Women again? You know, The Duke made a movie called, Big Jake.
Well, pilgrim.
Daria.
Don't you have the slightest urge to relive your old camp memories? Why would I want to return to a place where I was flatteringly referred to as "The Weird Kid?" Very well.
I can't make you go.
Besides, Dad and I could really use some help cleaning out the garage next weekend.
Speaking of forced labor We're cleaning out the garage? We are now.
But what happened to the weekend at the Country Inn? I told you, I have to work Saturday, the Inn is out.
Stupid, lousy ! My new coin just slipped down the disposal without any provocation! Hey, Quinn, you've got small hands.
I'm not playing with that thing! It's not a thing, it's a sitar.
It sounds very spiritual.
Dude! We're the Spiral! We're not spiritual, we're hardcore! Spiritual? Are we doing a gig at a church? Man, we have to experiment or we'll get stale.
You know, if a shark doesn't keep swimming, it just stands still.
We're not a damn fish.
Right Trent? Um, I don't know, guys.
The Spiral rocks on its own.
The peek-a-boo ICU, next on Sick, Sad World.
Come on, camp's not so bad.
At least you didn't have to spend summers on a commune with your parents' friends.
Your parents' friends didn't make you hop a mile in a burlap sack.
Your camp counselors didn't make you make a burlap sack.
Skip Stevens, the self-proclaimed Big-Man-On-Camp, never made you sing; "We'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly, you're with us in sunshine and weather more drizzly.
" I was going to bring up the composting next, but I know when I'm beat.
Hey.
Let me guess, you woke up at four this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.
It's not just that, it's Spiral.
I think we're past our prime.
I believe you're supposed to hit your prime before you pass it, but okay.
Maybe we should just break up.
Trent, think about what you're saying.
You're talking about your primary means of unemployment.
Yeah, think.
That's what I need to do.
Get away and think.
Hey, why don't Trent and I give you a ride to your reunion? We can hang out in the sticks while you're leading the color war.
A waste of time will be had by all.
Hmm.
There's just one catch.
What's that? Eww! Look how dirty those sheep are! From now on, I buy only imported sweaters.
God, I bet there's not an outlet store within a hundred miles.
Not that anyone would know what to buy after living out here for so long.
Huh, some people are beyond help.
I was just thinking the same thing.
Anyway, as I was saying, we've lost our inspiration.
I always said I'd get out of music before I became a cliché.
I don't remember you ever saying that.
Not in words, in my solos.
Stop here, I have to get out.
Couldn't you have told us this two hours ago? Ha.
And don't worry about taking me home, I'll find my own ride.
She didn't say that just to get our hopes up, did she? Quinn! Tracy, Cindy, Tatiana! Hey, can I have a ride home? Great, just like I remembered.
Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.
Let's hope.
Hey! Now where's Quinn? Dammit! I knew we forgot something.
Come on, Quinn.
We're here.
I don't want to go to camp! I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack! Look, I have the same backpack.
Hmm.
I can see where the untrained eye would think so.
It's quite a skillful imitation.
Um, I like your hair.
Who's that weird girl over there with your parents? She's so pale That's my sis cousin! Distant cousin.
And I've been her distant cousin ever since.
So this is where it all began.
Speaking of unpleasant memories.
Daria? Is that you? Hi, Amelia.
Thank God! I was afraid you weren't coming, and then there would be no reason for me to come, because I wouldn't have anyone to talk to.
What's new? Hmm.
Daria having a secret fan club is pretty new.
Really.
You have a fan club? Cool! Daria, when I met you, you said you were a big outcast who nobody liked.
Has our whole life together been a lie? Hey, Grizzlies! Skip Stevens, Alumni Coordinator.
Grab a Grizzly t-shirt.
But they didn't go here.
Camp Puma, I should have known.
Ha, nice try, kitty-cats, but Grizzlies rule! Grroowl! Go Grizzlies! You know, we really should be going.
Now come on, let's see some camp spirit.
Put these Pumas in their place.
Yeah, we better hit the road.
Come on! I'll start us off! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! Hey, honey! Ah! I'd forgotten we'd had all this stuff! It must have been ages ago that we went SCUBA diving.
I can't even remember it.
Memory sure is a funny thing.
When was that, Helen? Gee, um, I don't recall.
I remember going to that diving school and getting certified.
Lousy chlorine poisoning! 'Cause we were taking that two-week vacation in the Caribbean and then oh, yeah.
Now I remember, you couldn't go, you had some merger or something and we had to postpone the trip.
Oh, um yes, that's right.
We never did reschedule it.
We didn't? Oh, look, a scooter! Will this be all for you? Yeah.
Can I tempt you with a cookie? Me and my wife made them right back in the house, there.
Two bucks apiece? There must be gold in that icing.
Oh, no.
It's not what you put into the cookies, it's what you put into the cookies.
You know what I mean? Oh, sure.
You're saying you have echolalia.
Echolalia.
I know what you mean.
The two bucks isn't for the ingredients.
The cookie's valuable because of the part of yourself that went into it.
Right! Man, that's something to think about.
This part of yourself it wasn't one of the squishier organs, was it? Right now, we're trying to come up with the perfect potato chip.
You kids interested in potato chips? Not really.
Yeah.
Before we begin our hike Is this thing on? Hello? It's on, Mr.
Potts! Thank you, Skip.
No, thank you, Mr.
Potts! We're real glad to see all these former Grizzlies at the reunion.
And, when the time comes that you have cubs of your own, we hope they'll be proud to say, "I'm a Grizzly, grr.
" Everyone ready for a hike? He said, "Is everyone ready for a hike?" I wish Skip would take a hike.
You're funny, Daria.
Hey, where's your t-shirt? I'm not wearing it.
I guess we better join them.
You go ahead.
I don't want to scare the other hikers with my limp.
Hmm.
Do you think they'd mind if I stayed here, too? Amelia, have you ever played Monopoly? Of course, why? You're not in camp any more.
You're just visiting.
Do what you want.
Cool! I'm staying with you.
Great.
This reminds me of the time you boycotted the End-of-Summer campfire by the lake.
That was so cool.
Actually, I wasn't invited.
Remember the time you took off on your horse and left us all behind.
You mean the time the horse ran off with me on it and tossed me in the river, and I had to have nine stitches? Oh, right.
Hey, remember that awful game with the watermelon? We've greased the watermelon with extra vaseline this time.
You guys are dead meat.
Dead meat.
Easy there, Skip.
Now, after I blow the whistle, whichever team brings the watermelon ashore gets to eat it.
Ready, Grizzlies? Let's go, team.
Let's kick their butts! Come on, slacker! I can't believe they're making us hike like this.
I know, it's not like they ever did this stuff when we were campers.
Actually, um, they did have hikes.
We just didn't go, remember? Oh, yeah.
That's right.
A camper has to know when active is too active.
Like, now.
Hey, this reminds me of that watermelon game.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you're supposed to be chasing the greasy watermelon! Skip, we don't do greasy.
You guys have no camp spirit.
Geek.
I wonder who'll bring us the watermelon today? Billy.
Bobby.
Benjy.
I loved that game.
We never did take that camping trip.
You know why? The combustible ketchup lawsuit.
Thought we were going to win that one, too.
And what about the ski vacation! Or that bicycle tour? We didn't go on those either, because someone had to work! Well forgive me if I can't always get away.
Can't always? Look around.
The word is never.
Never! Never! Never! There ya go.
Bread and cheese slices.
Told you my wife could cook.
Oh, Earl.
There's nothing special about cheese sandwiches.
I'll say.
It's just simple, wholesome food, and ain't no shame in simple if it's good.
Wow.
That's really, really true.
You kids think you might want another sandwich before your potato chip taste test? That depends, are you going to unwrap the cheese this time? Sure thing, if Earl will help me.
That's a great idea! Why the hell did you agree to try their potato chips? These people know something Janey.
Their full of country wisdom.
They're full of undigested cellophane.
They can help me figure out where Spiral went wrong.
You guys needed a break from each other, that's all.
Jesse gets on Nick's nerves, Nick gets on Max's nerves, you get on Jesse's nerves.
Janey, that's crazy talk.
How could I ever get on anyone's nerves? Guess what? We figured as long as we were unwrapping the cheese, we'd let the bread thaw out, too.
Get your Grizzly Burgers.
Rare, medium, but always well-done.
Hey! What are you doing? Hunting for my dinner, and I only kill what I plan to eat.
No-one takes a burger until I say so.
I've got a whole system here.
It's all timed to perfection.
I didn't realize the burgers were landing at Normandy.
That one's yours, you touched it.
I'll let you know when it's ready.
Okay, I'll be on the troopship leading the other burgers in prayer.
Wow, Daria.
Aren't you afraid you'll make him mad? What do I care? Well, he is like the boss of the camp.
No, he's not.
He's the self-proclaimed dictator of a non-existent empire.
What's really infuriating is how these artificial societies are made for these petty tyrants.
Artificial societies? You know, when you're forced to co-exist with people you'd never seek out on your own.
Camp, school life.
Yeah.
Half these people can't stand Skip, but no-one wants to be the first to challenge him and risk alienation.
So, we follow the herd and end up leading lives of quiet desperation.
At least we're not doing that, right Daria? Daria? Did you hear what I said? At least we're not following the crowd.
Amelia, look at yourself.
What? You've been following me around since I got here.
So? So you're right.
I don't want to be part of a crowd, and I don't want my own crowd, either.
Why don't you go find a quiet corner somewhere and practice being an individual? God, Daria.
I was really looking forward to seeing you.
I thought we were friends, but you don't like anybody! Amelia.
Attention Grizzlies! You know what time it is? Anthem time! Everybody! We'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly.
You're with us in sunshine and weather more drizzly.
Now, Trent honey.
I wanna give you a chip and you try to guess what flavor it is.
Hmm.
I don't really taste anything.
You hear that, Earl? He doesn't really taste anything.
Try another.
No, still don't taste anything.
All right! Forgive me for asking, but what flavor are these? Because I don't taste anything either.
No flavor.
See, what's wrong with potato chips today, they fight the dip! That's what these have no salt, no grease, no taste.
Nothing! It's like having a piece of paper in your mouth.
They don't fight the dip! I can see where you two would come down on the side of the dip.
Wait a minute.
Why make potato chips with no taste? I'm getting confused.
Nothing confusing about it, Trent.
It's simple; backwoods junk food has nothing to do with music.
Hmm.
Hey, you kids ready to try some of our home-bottled water? Maybe I'll just move to a rest home and wait for you to retire.
Maybe then you'll find the time to spend half and hour with old Jakey! Put that down! It's not even your size.
And what prepaid vacation was this for! Actually, Jake.
It was going to be a surprise.
I booked a cabin for last Valentine's Day, but you had to go to that dot-com dot-com convention instead.
So you see, it's not always my schedule that gets in the way! Oh yeah! You were going to surprise me? Really? Yes, I was.
Believe it or not, I still have some romance left in me.
You're beautiful when your angry.
Do you mean it, Big Jake? So I said, "I don't care how dangerous it is, I will not go out in a boat wearing one of those unflattering orange-colored things.
" Hey, remember that stupid square dance? Oh, that? Alex Kroger and I ditched it and went down to the beach.
Quinn, did I hear you say Alex Kroger? Yeah.
Too bad he didn't make the reunion.
Alex Kroger? My date for that dance? I waited for him all night.
Hey, guys.
Remember those key chains we made in arts and crafts? Here's fifty cents.
Call Alex and ask him for a ride home.
Sorry, Quinn.
So much for being girls together.
Before I recount some of my favorite Camp Grizzly memories, let's give it up for the Greatest Grizzly of them All, Mr.
Potts! I can't hear you! I also want to thank all my teammates in the color wars over the years.
In seven years of being a Grizzly, I never lost a war! Gee, maybe I misjudged him.
Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! Hold on! I want to say something.
Hey! I'm talking! You're always talking.
Give someone else a chance.
Since I've been coming to this camp, I've been doing whatever Skip tells me to.
Even when I didn't want to or thought it was stupid.
Hey! And I never challenged him or said anything because I didn't want to risk being alienated from the group.
Oh, no.
So I learned to keep quiet, to just follow the herd, to lead a life of quiet desperation.
That's enough! But I'm not going to do that anymore! Because, returning to Camp Grizzly meant renewing my acquaintance with someone special, a role model, an inspiration.
Please don't say my name.
Daria Morgendorffer.
You know, the Weird Kid? Sure, she's unpleasant, sure, she's antisocial, sure, she says whatever's on her mind without any regard for other's feelings.
But, at least she thinks for herself and marches to her own drummer.
So for now on, I'm going to start thinking for myself.
Just like Daria, and I don't care if I end up like her, with no friends.
I never want to see this stupid campground again! You can't just get up here and rag on Camp Grizzly! If you're not part of the team, go hang out with your loser, weirdo friend.
I don't want to be a part of your team, Skip.
And I don't think anyone here really does.
So here's your Grizzly t-shirt back! What are you doing? Mr.
Potts, make them stop! They're defiling the Grizzly name.
Skip, you take all this way too seriously.
This is a camp.
A place parents send their kids to get them out of their hair for a few weeks.
Don't make it your whole life.
I wanna go home! I'm really glad you liked my speech, Daria.
Um, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
Hey, it takes more than just words to hurt me, unless they happen to be particularly truthful words strung together in exceptionally observant sentences.
Amelia, thanks for telling off that jerk, and Daria, I guess I never knew you to be such an inspiration.
See you around.
See, what'd I tell you? All these years Daria was the camp darling and she kept it from us.
No, I didn't Wow, Daria secretly popular, that's going to take some getting used to.
I wasn't popular, I tell you.
When we get back, can I try on your "Miss Camp Grizzly" sash? Told you that would get her.
Yeah, at least the trip wasn't a total loss.
And that's how a simple comment about a two dollar cookie turned into "Little Hell on the Prairie.
" Wow.
Trent, I hope you weren't too bummed by that whole thing.
I mean, just because you thought those people had some insight and they turned out to be idiots, that doesn't mean you should give up on the band.
Trent? Your cookies are lame, your chips are the same.
You get no respect, 'cause You're missing the train? My soul's waves of grain? You're not what you claim.
Poser exposed, hoser dehosed, I should step on your toes, you're deposed.
Something tells me the Spiral lives.
Oh, yeah.
The fire is back.
You want a Tums? You know, I keep thinking we forgot something.
Eh, must not be important.
Oh, Quinn got a ride with a friend.
And where does she get off attacking Camp Grizzly? When she's been the worst camper ever, and doesn't even try to sing, and never even won anything.
You know, camp builds character, and if your not tough enough Could you just be quiet for a while? Written by Jonathan Greenberg (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)