Everybody Loves Raymond s05e04 Episode Script

Are you out of your mind? You got Amy on hold, you got Stefania in Italy and now you're dating Joanne again? No dating, okay? Just talking on the phone, you know, like friends.
Friends.
The woman threw an ashtray at your head.
It's called passion, Raymond.
And who knows? There might still be some sparks there.
Then someone should throw a fire extinguisher at your head.
Joanne has changed a lot, okay? She's not like she used to be.
Three women I don't know what I'm gonna do.
You do a dance, you gigantic lucky bastard.
I know.
I know.
I can't believe it.
I never thought I'd have three women my whole life.
Hey, we all lost money on that bet.
Oh, did you do that yourself? They're coming! You know how you can tell which one is the right broad? Look, it's all right, Dad, - I don't have - Shut up.
It's simple.
Which lady is going to take care of you, cook for you, let you have the good pillow? Dad, you're 100.
Shouldn't you have more than one good pillow? It's the whole package.
Which one is gonna laugh at your jokes? They all do, except Stefania doesn't speak English very well, so I have to do a lot of hand gestures, funny noises.
Which one doesn't freak out when they see this coming at them? Ha-ha, Raymond! Who's got hips wide enough to bear your enormous children? Well, that'd be Amy, but don't tell her.
You know, with Amy, you're the only one she's ever had sex with, so technically, you can't disappoint her.
True.
Add it up.
Amy's your winner.
Well, we did used to talk about having kids.
And she's always stuck behind me, and, well, we do make each other happy.
It's as if we're meant to be, isn't it? Yeah, maybe, what do I know? All right, Amy.
That's it, yes, it's Amy.
And you know what? We're gonna start fresh with a clean slate.
I'm gonna tell her about Joanne and Stefania.
What? Well, I don't want to have any secrets.
What, are you nuts? You never tell a woman anything.
Even if they figure it out, you deny.
But Amy would want me to be honest.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
You think that's what they want, and you cannot believe the yelling.
Yeah, is that what you want? "For God's sakes, close your robe!" Hey that's what I'll do.
I'll tell my girlfriend about my other girlfriends.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Honesty is the best policy.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Hey hey hey hey.
Look look look.
You got three women after you, huh? Let me check over here.
You got three women after you, huh, do you? Then who does? Oh, wait a minute.
I believe that's me.
I'll figure it out, gentlemen.
And now adieu.
What was that face you did? Poor Debra.
What? "Poor Debra.
" I'm doing a face, Dad.
Are you doing a face right now? No.
Poor Debra.
The pizza was to your liking? It was perfect.
No, you're perfect.
Oh, Robert, are you okay? Oh, dear.
Yeah, thanks thanks.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Who's burning fur? Listen, Amy, I think we're good together, don't you? Yes.
I mean, we make a good couple, right? Yes.
That's why I'd like to talk to you about us being together.
I'm listening.
I think that you and I are meant to be.
And that's why it's important for me to tell you about Joanne.
- Joanne? - Yeah, well, we've spoken, and I think she wants to get back together, and honestly, for awhile, I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I've decided that you're the one I wanna be with.
You've been talking to Joanne about getting back together? Well, you know, we've been talking, and I've been thinking.
You've been talking to Joanne about getting back together.
For how long, sweetie? I don't know before Italy, but see, that's why I'm telling you, because I wanna be totally honest, because I feel that we are meant to be.
Meant to be.
Don't you? Let me see.
You've been talking with your ex-wife - for over a month behind my back - Well, yeah, but see you're not focusing on the positive part of the story.
Oh, but I am, Robert.
I'm happy.
I mean, this is all such wonderful news.
You've been deceitful and you're settling for me.
But, hey, before I get really really really happy, is there anything else you want to share with me? No.
Well, good, because I don't think I could get much happier.
And thank you for another fabulous evening.
Tonight, I'm taking the leftovers.
I'll be in the office tomorrow if anybody wants to send me flowers.
Perhaps we should cancel the spumoni.
- How's the meatloaf? - It's good.
It's very good.
Your brother-in-law, your brother, he's a child.
Do men ever stop being stupid? No, they don't.
And you might wanna hold onto your pizza.
I don't care.
- Robert told you? - You knew? - I'm sorry.
- Oh, he's horrible.
And he expects me to be grateful because he told me - when he didn't have to.
- That's unbelievable.
He's acting like he has nothing to apologize for.
I know, and just because he was on vacation, that is no excuse.
Vacation? He took Joanne on vacation? - No no no, Stefania.
- Who? W-what? Who's Stefania? Wait, who's who? Wait, what name did you say? Oh my gosh, look at that.
Your hair looks so good that way.
So there was just the two slices? Doesn't Amy's hair look good? I don't know.
Oh, good, Amy, you're here.
I'm gonna need your office address.
Who the hell is Stefania? Uh uh uh Sounds like a girl's name.
Girl you met in Italy? Uh What did you do with her in Italy? Very little.
I'm sorry.
I saved myself for you.
Really sorry.
Goodbye, Robert.
But we're meant to be.
When she got up on the couch the second time, what did you think she was gonna do? Oh, man, she really nailed you.
Was she wearing a ring? Our friendship ring.
Ironic.
Could I get some frozen baby peas, Deb? You know what, Robert? You get your own damn peas.
What what, are you mad at me? What did I do? What did you do? Hey, look, you're the one who told Amy about Stefania in the first place.
You should be apologizing to me.
And what you should have done is tell Amy the truth about everything.
Or better yet, not be such a pig in the first place.
That's the worst apology I've ever gotten.
Why would you get involved with someone else when you already have a relationship? What, does juggling three women at a time make you cool? Uncool.
You know, if that's the only way you can build your self-esteem, then you are pathetic, and you don't deserve to be with anyone.
- That's easy for you to say.
- What was that? Lay down, play dead.
We all know about you, okay, Deb? You were popular.
You juggled guys all the time.
How many guys asked you to your senior prom, huh? Five, six? You wanna know who I took to my prom? Our Cousin Nellie.
He threw up on her.
Somebody spiked the punch! Okay, well, I'm really sorry about you and your cousin, but that was high school.
I grew up.
I realized the only thing that matters is having someone that understands me, that'll be there for me, somebody that I want to grow old with.
Get off of me! I thought that you felt that way about Amy.
Well, I did.
I do.
Then why would you fool around with Stefania? Have you seen Stefania? What's the matter with you, Robert? I mean, you're not one of those slimeballs who's only interested in scoring with chicks? I could be.
No, you couldn't, or you wouldn't have waited two years for Amy to be ready.
I just don't get you.
You're in a committed relationship with someone who loves you, and you blew it.
Honesty don't believe the hype.
I just saw Amy.
She's crying.
Did you break up again? Yeah, and I think it's for good this time, Ma, but it's all right.
I'll be fine.
You'll be fine? What about me? Amy was gonna give me more grandchildren! Come on! Stop it! And there was talk of a guest house.
I could leave your father if I wanted.
- Stop it! - Oh, God, I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
Do you want to kill me? Because you're killing me.
Sorry.
Good.
Now pick up this phone - and tell that to Amy.
- No, Ma, I can't call her now.
Well, I could see how this would be a little awkward.
Don't worry.
I know what to say.
No, w stop it, Ma! Just stop it.
I blew it.
It's over.
She'll never take me back.
We are not giving up.
We could still work this out.
Would you let it go, all right?! It's my life! I'll do what I want! Who's been telling him it's his life? - You ready to order? - Actually, I'm waiting for somebody.
No, thanks, no fire tonight.
- Hi, Bobby.
- Hi, Joanne.
I'm sorry I'm late.
One of my clients had a fender-bender.
I had to go hold his hand.
Wow, insurance.
It's like police work.
You know, you're always on call, except they don't shoot at you.
Only when they find out how little we pay.
Bobby, relax.
It's just me.
I know.
It's weird.
You know, it's like I know you, but like I don't know you.
I'm so glad you wanted to have dinner tonight.
I think we've both been thinking the same thing.
I think maybe we have.
Robert, you know how I am.
I see what I want, and I go for it.
And what I want is you.
You know, when we were talking on the phone, I was getting that same vibe.
Well, you know, Bobby, I'm no Snow White.
I've had my share of dates and insurance conventions.
Truth you were my best.
Well, thank you.
Right back at ya.
Ooh, that heat.
Can you feel it? - Pizza oven.
- Bobby.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I feel the other heat.
We need to be together.
Well, I'd like that.
Maybe we're meant to be.
Yes, we are.
So hey, you wanna go to the movies later? - What? - Oh, I know.
Miniature golf.
I know this great course that looks over Long Island Sound.
What what? What's so funny? You.
I forgot how funny you could be.
Miniature golf.
What I'm interested in, Bobby, doesn't have anything miniature about it.
But regular golf takes so long.
I don't want any of that other stuff, Bobby.
There's only one thing I want from you.
I didn't mean to startle you.
That's just my foot.
Oh oh, your foot.
Well, you know, it's this dive.
You know, you never know what's crawling around.
Yeah, a pony! Do you understand what I'm saying? I think your foot speaks for itself, yes.
But wouldn't you like something more? - Like what? - A relationship.
A pizza and hot sex? Most guys would consider that - the perfect relationship.
- I'm not saying that's bad.
I just thought it might be part of a bigger arrangement.
Like our marriage? We tried that.
Well, okay, I know, but let me tell you something, I'm not one of those guys who's only interested in scoring with chicks.
Oh, come on.
Let's just have some fun.
I saw that vanilla pudding you were dating Emily.
- Amy.
- Amy.
You can't tell me she did anything for you.
Well, now that is none of your stop it.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Are you serious? Yes, I am serious.
Now kindly remove your foot.
Fine.
Okay, then.
Good luck to you.
Well well, wait.
What? What's that? You're leaving? I have nothing to say to you unless you need insurance.
Then okay to you! That's right, and let me tell you something else, Robert Barone is not available for a booty call! You heard me.
Hello, Amy Look, Amy, don't hang up.
I I Amy, don't hang up.
It's Robert.
Okay, listen, I screwed up.
I don't know what I want to do.
Could I just come over? Okay, I'll be right over.
Thanks, Ma.
Hello? Hello? Don't hang up.
It's Robert.
Is Stefania there? No more long distance.
Could have been worse.
Could have ended up with one of them.