F is For Family (2015) s05e04 Episode Script
Thank You So Much
Welcome to the 19th Semi-Annual
Rustland City Thanksgiving Day Parade.
And our parade would not be complete
without a visit
from America's favorite cartoon lazybones,
Sleepy Ramirez.
Fun fact, Sleepy is
the only anatomically correct balloon
in the parade today.
Sleepy's helium-filled donkey organ
is big enough to hold
200 gallon-sized cans
of latex house paint.
You stink, Ray!
You're a disgrace to ceremony mastering!
- Get your trunk out of my ass!
- There's no peanuts in it! Wait!
There but for the grace of God
and no uncontrollable sexual interest
in pregnant women,
go I.
Let's hear it
for our trusted city aldermen.
Damn mayor, fucking me over.
He gave my Caddy to the janitor lady!
In Russia, I am pediatric oncologist.
My ride's got a boy
with a dick on his face.
And just like that boy,
you got to put on a smile and take it.
Time for the minstrel show.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Stop the tollway! Save the Twelfth Ward!
Motherfucker! That's the third time
your float rammed me this morning!
Maybe it wouldn't happen
if you got out of the way of progress!
Your progress is going to put my people
on the street! They all hate you!
We'll see how they feel after they get
one of my Tollway Tom Turkeys!
Hey, there we go.
Everybody gets a turkey!
Compliments of the mayor! Oh!
This progress looks delicious!
He's turning my people against me.
Mayor Tangenti loves the cripples!
Now I can't see!
But I can smell this beautiful bird!
Motherfucker!
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Over the river and through the woods ♪
To Grandmother's house we go ♪
The horse knows the way
To carry the sleigh ♪
Through white and drifted snow ♪
Over the river and through the woods
Oh, how the wind does blow ♪
It stings the toes and bites the nose
As over the ground we go, hooray! ♪
Perfect.
I wish I had me as a wife.
Ugh! Jesus!
Stop messing with my evil eye!
- Stop resisting arrest!
- Ah!
Goddamn it to hell!
I'm sorry, kids.
This Thanksgiving
is a very important one for me.
I just need you to stay out of my hair
while I get everything ready.
If you can't sit still,
then please do me a favor
and annoy your dad instead.
He's taking his morning beer nap.
Tonight, after football,
it's the ABS Thanksgiving Special,
with the stars of Colt Luger,
Bruce Again!,
Police Cop!,
Beach Magician M.D.!,
My Dog, The President!,
and Secretary of Agriculture, Earl Butz!
Frank? Frank?
And it all ends
with the return of stunt legend
Buster Thunder Junior!
This doctor said I'd never punch again!
Who's the doctor now?
Yeehaw!
Frank, are you asleep?
- I'm pregnant again.
- The fuck you are!
Look at this mess. The house has
to look immaculate when my parents come,
like nobody lives here.
Honey, take it easy.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
I have to. I'm really worried about today.
It took so much to get my dad and Louis
in the same room,
and if it doesn't go right,
we'll never have the chance again.
Oh, I understand, honey.
I'll do anything to help you.
Could you take the baby
and make a quick run to the store
to get cranberry sauce?
Aw, Jesus, Sue,
the store's gonna be a zoo!
Whatever we're missing, I'm sure you made
plenty of other bullshit for us to eat.
Bill and Maureen
ruined the cranberries my dad loves!
Well, your dad ruins everything I love.
Please?
Ugh.
Okay.
I'll go get them.
Your punishment for fucking up
is spending quality time
with your old man.
- Aw! No fair!
- No fair!
Some fucking holiday this is.
Got to take my dad's car
because the safety seat's in it.
I guess we're coddling babies now.
Goddamn seat, why won't this
why won't this stupid thing tighten?
Holy shit!
Uh, I don't think we need
to tell Mom about that.
What's in it for me?
- Well, do you like Christmas?
- Yeah.
- Would you like to live see another one?
- Yeah.
Then shut the fuck up
and help me with this baby seat!
Come on, Alice, pick up.
No one's home, please leave a message ♪
For the Goldmans at the tone ♪
Alice, hey, this is Kevin Murphy from
your boyfriend.
Are you there? Please pick up.
I'm really sorry about the other night
when you got all weird. I just know that
- Kevin?
- Alice! I love you.
I know you're mad,
but everything'll be okay
if we do the kiss-kiss game
with your boobies.
- It's your mother.
- Oh God!
What are you doing at Alice's house?
Are you talking about me?
Get off the phone
so I can call the neighbors
to tell them what time to come over
for coffee and cake.
Mom, you sound like a lunatic!
Would you put Alice on the phone?
Mom? Mom?
Erwin?
Off the fucking phone!
What'd the phone ever do to you?
Ah! You crumpled the bed!
I need to put coats on it later!
Oh, I'm sorry I'm affected by gravity!
What do you want me to do?
This sucks ass.
I had a whole day of sulking planned.
Then just a pinch-a the cinnamon.
That's the secret
to a traditional Thanksgiving
Tagliatelle Arrogost Bachagaloop!
Hey, my man!
I'm I'm going to say Petey?
Is your mom home?
She's busy at the moment.
You don't look like you usually do.
I can't see the pulse in your eyes.
Well, that's 'cause I stopped taking
the, uh special vitamins
that kept me perky.
You mean Schedule II narcotics?
Yeah.
All right, little man.
Can you be cool for just a little while?
You're giving Daddy the sweats.
Listen, Petey, I got a problem.
I'm stuck raising my little man by myself
because, uh, his mom
ran off with a Santa elf,
so could I ask your mom
how to get a fussy baby to eat?
Oh, she's never had trouble with that.
Nom, nom.
You know what? You know what?
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
You know what? You know what?
- Aw.
- You know what?
You've got a big Thanksgiving appetite.
I can feel your tonsils getting swollen.
I went to Tijuana once
and paid 30 pesos to see that.
Never again.
Aw, I don't get why we all have
to clear out so Mom can be crazy.
Ah, she's not crazy.
She's just doing crazy things. Okay?
This is important to her.
So you have to help her out
by minding your manners,
getting your head out of your ass
about your girlfriend,
and don't get upset if she says
Pop-Pop is dying of a brain tumor.
Pop-Pop is dying?
No, but Uncle Louis thinks he is.
Why does he think that?
Oh, because Mom told him he was.
Why did she tell him that?
Because she's crazy! People do
weird things when they love someone.
Like you crying over
Grandpa Bill's box with the 91 on it?
I still say it's probably a 16,
and it might mean something!
Shit!
What the hell is this?
I guess the parade is still going on.
Oh, fucking Thanksgiving!
Just go home and eat, you assholes!
Come to Skinneees!
You won't be horrified,
or your money back!
- Where's the rest of the chicken?
- In the trash where it belongs!
Ooh, a Tollway Turkey!
Everybody gets a turkey!
- Thanks, Mr. Mayor! We love you!
- Hey! Stop stealing my business!
I should be filling those mouths!
Ow!
Right in the implant!
Nobody hits my girls but me!
Keep your dirty birds to yourself!
Fuck you!
I will turkey your grandchildren!
No! No!
My three-week-old dream!
There. Perfect.
Oh, shit!
Major, no! Major!
Hold it in! Hold it in!
Hold it in, sweet baby!
Hello, angel.
Well, this is a good omen.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Uh, sorry about the
Never mind. Come in!
So, where's that husband of yours?
He get a new job
at the disappointment factory?
No, he took the kids to the grocery store
to get the special cranberries you like.
Uh, speaking of special fruit
that's been in the can
Now, Stan, you promised
you'd be nice to Louis.
He's making an effort to come here today.
Fine, but if he gives me any lip,
we have backup reservations
at the Szechuan Palace.
They do a fantastic white rice.
There's absolutely no taste!
58, 59, 60,
61, 62
Wait, that's a toenail! Give it back!
Hey, lady, can you hurry up?
I got my baby in the car.
Well, I got places to be too, you know.
Aw, bullshit! You're buying cat food
on Thanksgiving.
- Hey, happy Turkey Day, Gooms!
- Uh, hey-a, Vic. What, uh
What are you doing here?
Worried about what wild animal left
that surprise on your walkway last night?
No, man, from the looks of that poop,
he's not gonna be around much longer.
Something eating him alive
from the inside, know what I mean?
It's like a goddamn alien in there.
Say, I need some advice
on how to calm down Vic Junior here.
You guys have kids, right?
Uh
No, Vic, we don't.
Uh, I'm afraid we can't help you.
Aw, man, I don't know where else to turn.
I knocked at Chet's place,
but he didn't answer.
Let me try to soothe him.
- Oh, it's okay, Evie. You don't have to.
- I already am!
There you go. Evie's got you now.
Oh, thank you. You two are good people.
Uh
Yeah.
In just four short hours,
Buster Thunder Junior
will jump the Los Angeles River,
a majestic body of water
that flows with the waste
of Hollywood's biggest stars.
So, where's that brother of yours?
Maybe he was arrested
at the bus station.
- Again.
- Dad!
Pardon me for acknowledging
the lavender elephant in the room.
Hi, Dad.
Louis.
Oh, son, I hope you didn't hear
the horrible thing
your father just said about you.
I did.
Ah!
I love you.
And I forgive you.
Well, this is, uh, quite the hello.
I know I'm not supposed to say anything,
but you're so courageous.
Courageous?
I'm not afraid of catching anything.
Just don't touch
that scraped knuckle, okay?
Oh, this is wonderful.
Yeah, so great.
How about some mulled wine?
I want us to get along, son.
This has been eating
at the pit of my stomach.
- It moved to your stomach?
- Hey, look, a deodorant commercial!
- That's Turteltaub's! ♪
- And sons! ♪
It's a schmear for your pits!
Hey, you're a real natural there, Lady G.
I practice with the dog every night.
Turns out dogs
don't need solid food.
Very cool.
So, uh, what'd you do
to get him to be so calm?
If I told you that,
you'd never bring him back.
Oh, yeah,
you're probably right.
Well, I don't want to interfere
with your Thanksgiving. We should go.
No. I'm not finished yet.
But I promised the little guy I'd teach
him how to adjust a carburetor, so
I said back off!
Well, you heard her.
Why don't you have a tall glass
of Goomer's special eggnog,
and we'll catch up on neighborhood gossip
when you wake up?
Oh, I never thought
a nightmare could smell so delicious.
Robert, I came as soon as you called.
I'm so sorry
about your unfortunate misfortune.
Thank you, Lou. You're a good friend.
And don't despair.
Your insurance will cover this.
I don't have insurance.
I spent the money on this chicken suit,
which I did insure.
Then you should most definitely despair.
That's why I called.
Now that I'm ruined,
I won't be able to pay you what I owe you.
I hate to disappoint you,
but I'm afraid
we're gonna have to cancel our agreement.
I hate to disappoint you,
but as they say in Sicily, no backsies.
Oh.
Oh, boy, they're here.
All right, kids,
get ready to watch a battle royale
between the Sadist
and the San Francisco Treat.
Why does Pop-Pop hate Uncle Louis?
Sweetie, hate is such a strong word.
All Pop-Pop has done for the last 15 years
is reject his own flesh and blood.
Uncle Louis is a pickle sniffer.
- Hey!
- Ow!
He's not a pickle sniffer.
He's a song-and-dance man.
And you shouldn't judge him.
If what Uncle Louis does makes him happy,
then so be it.
Live and let live.
Now, having said that, if I ever catch you
playing footsie with another man,
I swear to God,
I will put you through that fucking wall!
Now get inside
and treat him like an equal!
What the fuck?
Stan. Louis. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hello, Frank.
What moldy, dented cans
did you get at the food bank this year?
Yeah, and which one of your shoes
are we boiling for dinner?
He's so cheap!
Be nice to Frank.
He's not cheap. He's poor!
I miss how we used
to shit on Frank together.
It's so easy!
Yeah, Louis,
you really know how to stick it to a guy.
Uh, stick it to a guy
with your jokes, you know.
Not with your, uh your penis.
- Hey, looks like it's going well.
- Too well.
Sue, thank you.
It's such a blessing to spend
one last Thanksgiving with the old man.
I want to tell him how much I'll miss him.
Yeah, but don't.
I have to stop them from being so chummy.
Twice now he's almost said something
that would blow the whole lie apart.
Sue, just exactly how did you see
this whole thing playing out?
I don't know!
I was at a gay bar. I saw my old boss
getting his pickle sniffed.
I had to think quick.
You have to help me keep them distracted
until the neighbors get here for dessert.
Honey, I wish I could, but what can I do?
They're not gonna talk to me.
They hate me.
Oh, Dad, these are the kind of things
I'm going to miss when you're
Dad!
Uh, Frank just said
he's happy Nixon got a full pardon!
- He said what?
- I said what?
That's right, Stan. I'm ecstatic!
I'll tell you, you know,
I wish he did a dozen Watergates!
- What about accountability?
- How can you say that?
Ah, fuck accountability!
Christ, the Democrats should've had
better locks, and you know it, Stan!
- Are you serious?
- He did some great things with China!
- I've heard things in my day, but this
- Right over!
Now thank we all our God ♪
With hearts and hands and voices ♪
Who wondrous things has done ♪
In whom his world rejoices ♪
From our mothers' arms ♪
Has blessed us on our way ♪
With countless gifts of love ♪
And still is ours today ♪
O may this bounteous God ♪
Through all our life be near us ♪
With ever joyful hearts ♪
And blessed peace to cheer us ♪
To keep us in his grace ♪
And guide us when perplexed ♪
- So, are you gonna get me my money?
- I'll pay!
I will! I will! I promise!
I think he's had enough.
Thank you so much.
Mrs. Bonfiglio, how have you been?
Ah, wet!
Whoa, guys, look! Buster's about to jump!
How do you feel
on this Thanksgiving, Buster?
Like the original Pilgrims did
all those years ago,
ready to kick ass
with 400 pounds between my legs!
Look who's here!
Charlie Chaplins!
My little tramps!
You haven't done this in years!
They cloned him!
Look at them together.
Why aren't you arguing right now?
I'm sorry, but I ran out of nice things
to say about Nixon.
I mean, I I I guess your dad
turned me a little.
You still got it, Dad.
Hey, kids, did you know
I once got a hole in one at Baltusrol?
Kevin, I hear you've got a lady
in your life.
She'd be in my life
if she picked up the stupid phone.
I keep calling, but she stands
over the machine, mocking me.
I can feel it!
Oh dear.
Young love can be so hard.
I'll bet there's
a perfectly sensible reason
why she's not answering the phone.
What's that mean? You think
she got back together with Joel?
I'm sure whoever this Joel is,
he's not as handsome as you are.
What are you talking about?
He's a man! He was bar mitzvahed!
She she's probably not
with anyone else.
- You mean she's dead?
- I'm not saying she's dead.
- Then it's not too late to save her life!
- I got to go find her. Alice.
I didn't know
what Nguyen-Nguyen was gonna do.
I just told her about a Columbo episode
where a Vietnamese woman
poisoned her husband.
Then I lent her some bleach.
Yeah, you probably shouldn't repeat
that story.
Well, thanks for the eggnog and the, uh
the memory loss, but I better get
Vic Junior to beddy-bye.
Where is he anyway?
Did he, uh, leave without me?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Evelyn, what have you done with that baby?
I warned you! I don't want to move again!
I like these names!
Here we are. I was changing him.
Oh, right.
I knew you were here all along
and not dyeing your hair
and making a break for the state line.
Okay.
Good times. Better go.
Please, just let me sniff my Geraldine
one more time.
Don't touch my baby!
Your woman is fucking weird, man!
For God's sake, Evelyn, move on!
We're never gonna have a kid!
You're the one who can't face the truth!
It wasn't clams!
And I'm starting to think
you lied about Frank's pants!
I stole his pants
because they made me feel alive, Ev!
In a way you never do!
You all have a Happy Easter. Okay.
You don't take me dancing!
And you've never once watched me
shit in the woods!
A man has needs!
This neighborhood was way more normal
when I was on the goofies.
Buster Thunder Junior
is ready to jump!
Here he goes!
Sue, this was lovely,
but we should be on our way.
It's a four-hour drive,
and I'd like to have your father awake
at James Dean Curve.
Oh, please don't go,
but here's your coats!
Thank you, angel.
And thank you, Frank.
The turkey was competently sliced.
And I know how hard
that must've been for you to say.
- Good to see you, son.
- You too, Dad.
Buster just might pull this off!
- Let's all do this again next year!
- Sue, how could you be so insensitive?
- What?
- Uh-oh, he's picked up a wobble.
Do this again next year?
Where? On Dad's grave?
My what?
Sue told me, Dad. Told me you're dying.
- You told him I was dying?
- Buster is airborne!
Not in those words.
Exactly in those words!
And he crashes
into the concrete riverbank!
He came so close and then shit-a the bed!
Why would you lie to me?
I wanted you and Dad to make up!
You thought so little of us
that we couldn't make up
without you putting a tumor in his brain?
You said you didn't give a shit about him!
- Well, that's real nice!
- Oh, as nice as disowning me, Dad?
You disowned yourself
the minute you decided
to lust over other men!
It's not lust, Dad. It's love.
I'm a human being!
I'm just the way God made me.
There you go,
always blaming somebody else!
Alice!
Alice! Come out, please!
I'm here to prove to you
I can give you your space!
- Oh, Alice!
- Kevin, what are you doing here?
Where the hell have you been, young lady?
We had Thanksgiving at my aunt's house.
You believe in Thanksgiving?
I thought you were Jewish.
This is a story
we're gonna tell our grandkids.
You're creeping me out.
Am I creeping you out
down there?
- Hey, Alice, is this kid bothering you?
- Is this that fucking Joel?
No, Kevin, this is
- Oh my God!
- Daniel!
My brother!
Ow, shit, my hand!
You knocked out my tooth!
You can have one of mine.
Kevin, get out of here!
I never want to see you again!
But it's Thanksgiving!
You have no idea
what it's like being your son!
You have no idea
what it's like being your father!
I had to bail you out of jail
for defiling that Greyhound station!
Bus travel has lost all its class.
Dad, stop!
You shame Louis, but maybe
if his lifestyle was more accepted,
he wouldn't have to do those things
in secret at the bus station.
- Oh, Sue, I'd still go to the bus station.
- See?
- The man's a deviant.
- And you're a bigot!
Stan, come on. It's Thanksgiving.
Louis is a good guy.
Yeah, he's got a little sugar in his tank,
but you know
Sugar in the tank?
I could kick your ass across this room.
- I was sticking up for you!
- Stay out of this.
Like you should've stayed out
of my daughter 15 years ago.
- Dad!
- He's right.
Dad and I got along great until the day
you married this balding piece of shit.
Eh, you know what?
You two can just go fuck off!
Jesus Christ,
this woman worked herself to the bone
to make this perfect day for you.
And she asked me to help. Did I complain?
A little at first.
But then, I cut short
a very, very happy nap,
one of those good ones
where you're sleeping so peacefully
you feel like you're dead,
you know, and you're thinking,
"Oh my God, it's finally over,"
right, to drive my snotty kids
to the grocery store
to get the fancy cranberries that I hate,
just to help her
bring you two back together.
And now I'm the bad guy?
Well, fuck you and your fighting!
Jesus Christ,
why don't you count your blessings?
You're lucky your old man's still alive.
Christ, what I wouldn't give
to hear my dad call me a "whiny bitch"
just one more time!
I'm happy to fill in, shit-bird!
Oh, no, no, no,
I said "whiny bitch," you fuck!
So fuck you, Stan! And fuck you, Louis!
And, Marilyn, I really enjoyed
the story about the ducks.
I hope that law passes
so the state doesn't kill 'em.
- Aw.
- But fuck you!
Ah!
Oh, you like Grandpa Bill's keys.
Yeah.
He was a miserable son of a bitch,
but his keys go jingle-jangle-jingle.
Hey, Sue.
Look, I'm sorry
that today went so badly for you.
I can't talk now.
I didn't eat anything all day.
Hey, remember how you said
I was too obsessed
with figuring out what my dad meant
when he said "box 16"?
Well, I think this thing with Louis
is your version of that.
And it's not good for you either.
We're never gonna get what we want.
You're right.
I'm gonna go wolf down some cobbler
and then pass out in the bathtub
with this thermos of mulled wine.
You're on Megan duty.
Guess what, Megan?
We never have to see Pop-Pop again
'cause Mommy was nutty today.
Yes, she was.
Ah!
Oh, you like that little one, huh?
Oh my God. Sixteen.
So much to be thankful for.
Holy shit!
- You okay down there?
- Everyone's alive, honey bear!
Keep drinking!
Now thank we all our God ♪
With hearts and hands and voices ♪
Who wondrous things has done ♪
In whom his world rejoices ♪
From our mothers' arms ♪
Has blessed us on our way ♪
With countless gifts of love ♪
And still is ours today ♪
Of this world and the next ♪
Of this world and the next ♪
I will turkey
your grandchildren.
Rustland City Thanksgiving Day Parade.
And our parade would not be complete
without a visit
from America's favorite cartoon lazybones,
Sleepy Ramirez.
Fun fact, Sleepy is
the only anatomically correct balloon
in the parade today.
Sleepy's helium-filled donkey organ
is big enough to hold
200 gallon-sized cans
of latex house paint.
You stink, Ray!
You're a disgrace to ceremony mastering!
- Get your trunk out of my ass!
- There's no peanuts in it! Wait!
There but for the grace of God
and no uncontrollable sexual interest
in pregnant women,
go I.
Let's hear it
for our trusted city aldermen.
Damn mayor, fucking me over.
He gave my Caddy to the janitor lady!
In Russia, I am pediatric oncologist.
My ride's got a boy
with a dick on his face.
And just like that boy,
you got to put on a smile and take it.
Time for the minstrel show.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Stop the tollway! Save the Twelfth Ward!
Motherfucker! That's the third time
your float rammed me this morning!
Maybe it wouldn't happen
if you got out of the way of progress!
Your progress is going to put my people
on the street! They all hate you!
We'll see how they feel after they get
one of my Tollway Tom Turkeys!
Hey, there we go.
Everybody gets a turkey!
Compliments of the mayor! Oh!
This progress looks delicious!
He's turning my people against me.
Mayor Tangenti loves the cripples!
Now I can't see!
But I can smell this beautiful bird!
Motherfucker!
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Over the river and through the woods ♪
To Grandmother's house we go ♪
The horse knows the way
To carry the sleigh ♪
Through white and drifted snow ♪
Over the river and through the woods
Oh, how the wind does blow ♪
It stings the toes and bites the nose
As over the ground we go, hooray! ♪
Perfect.
I wish I had me as a wife.
Ugh! Jesus!
Stop messing with my evil eye!
- Stop resisting arrest!
- Ah!
Goddamn it to hell!
I'm sorry, kids.
This Thanksgiving
is a very important one for me.
I just need you to stay out of my hair
while I get everything ready.
If you can't sit still,
then please do me a favor
and annoy your dad instead.
He's taking his morning beer nap.
Tonight, after football,
it's the ABS Thanksgiving Special,
with the stars of Colt Luger,
Bruce Again!,
Police Cop!,
Beach Magician M.D.!,
My Dog, The President!,
and Secretary of Agriculture, Earl Butz!
Frank? Frank?
And it all ends
with the return of stunt legend
Buster Thunder Junior!
This doctor said I'd never punch again!
Who's the doctor now?
Yeehaw!
Frank, are you asleep?
- I'm pregnant again.
- The fuck you are!
Look at this mess. The house has
to look immaculate when my parents come,
like nobody lives here.
Honey, take it easy.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
I have to. I'm really worried about today.
It took so much to get my dad and Louis
in the same room,
and if it doesn't go right,
we'll never have the chance again.
Oh, I understand, honey.
I'll do anything to help you.
Could you take the baby
and make a quick run to the store
to get cranberry sauce?
Aw, Jesus, Sue,
the store's gonna be a zoo!
Whatever we're missing, I'm sure you made
plenty of other bullshit for us to eat.
Bill and Maureen
ruined the cranberries my dad loves!
Well, your dad ruins everything I love.
Please?
Ugh.
Okay.
I'll go get them.
Your punishment for fucking up
is spending quality time
with your old man.
- Aw! No fair!
- No fair!
Some fucking holiday this is.
Got to take my dad's car
because the safety seat's in it.
I guess we're coddling babies now.
Goddamn seat, why won't this
why won't this stupid thing tighten?
Holy shit!
Uh, I don't think we need
to tell Mom about that.
What's in it for me?
- Well, do you like Christmas?
- Yeah.
- Would you like to live see another one?
- Yeah.
Then shut the fuck up
and help me with this baby seat!
Come on, Alice, pick up.
No one's home, please leave a message ♪
For the Goldmans at the tone ♪
Alice, hey, this is Kevin Murphy from
your boyfriend.
Are you there? Please pick up.
I'm really sorry about the other night
when you got all weird. I just know that
- Kevin?
- Alice! I love you.
I know you're mad,
but everything'll be okay
if we do the kiss-kiss game
with your boobies.
- It's your mother.
- Oh God!
What are you doing at Alice's house?
Are you talking about me?
Get off the phone
so I can call the neighbors
to tell them what time to come over
for coffee and cake.
Mom, you sound like a lunatic!
Would you put Alice on the phone?
Mom? Mom?
Erwin?
Off the fucking phone!
What'd the phone ever do to you?
Ah! You crumpled the bed!
I need to put coats on it later!
Oh, I'm sorry I'm affected by gravity!
What do you want me to do?
This sucks ass.
I had a whole day of sulking planned.
Then just a pinch-a the cinnamon.
That's the secret
to a traditional Thanksgiving
Tagliatelle Arrogost Bachagaloop!
Hey, my man!
I'm I'm going to say Petey?
Is your mom home?
She's busy at the moment.
You don't look like you usually do.
I can't see the pulse in your eyes.
Well, that's 'cause I stopped taking
the, uh special vitamins
that kept me perky.
You mean Schedule II narcotics?
Yeah.
All right, little man.
Can you be cool for just a little while?
You're giving Daddy the sweats.
Listen, Petey, I got a problem.
I'm stuck raising my little man by myself
because, uh, his mom
ran off with a Santa elf,
so could I ask your mom
how to get a fussy baby to eat?
Oh, she's never had trouble with that.
Nom, nom.
You know what? You know what?
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
You know what? You know what?
- Aw.
- You know what?
You've got a big Thanksgiving appetite.
I can feel your tonsils getting swollen.
I went to Tijuana once
and paid 30 pesos to see that.
Never again.
Aw, I don't get why we all have
to clear out so Mom can be crazy.
Ah, she's not crazy.
She's just doing crazy things. Okay?
This is important to her.
So you have to help her out
by minding your manners,
getting your head out of your ass
about your girlfriend,
and don't get upset if she says
Pop-Pop is dying of a brain tumor.
Pop-Pop is dying?
No, but Uncle Louis thinks he is.
Why does he think that?
Oh, because Mom told him he was.
Why did she tell him that?
Because she's crazy! People do
weird things when they love someone.
Like you crying over
Grandpa Bill's box with the 91 on it?
I still say it's probably a 16,
and it might mean something!
Shit!
What the hell is this?
I guess the parade is still going on.
Oh, fucking Thanksgiving!
Just go home and eat, you assholes!
Come to Skinneees!
You won't be horrified,
or your money back!
- Where's the rest of the chicken?
- In the trash where it belongs!
Ooh, a Tollway Turkey!
Everybody gets a turkey!
- Thanks, Mr. Mayor! We love you!
- Hey! Stop stealing my business!
I should be filling those mouths!
Ow!
Right in the implant!
Nobody hits my girls but me!
Keep your dirty birds to yourself!
Fuck you!
I will turkey your grandchildren!
No! No!
My three-week-old dream!
There. Perfect.
Oh, shit!
Major, no! Major!
Hold it in! Hold it in!
Hold it in, sweet baby!
Hello, angel.
Well, this is a good omen.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Uh, sorry about the
Never mind. Come in!
So, where's that husband of yours?
He get a new job
at the disappointment factory?
No, he took the kids to the grocery store
to get the special cranberries you like.
Uh, speaking of special fruit
that's been in the can
Now, Stan, you promised
you'd be nice to Louis.
He's making an effort to come here today.
Fine, but if he gives me any lip,
we have backup reservations
at the Szechuan Palace.
They do a fantastic white rice.
There's absolutely no taste!
58, 59, 60,
61, 62
Wait, that's a toenail! Give it back!
Hey, lady, can you hurry up?
I got my baby in the car.
Well, I got places to be too, you know.
Aw, bullshit! You're buying cat food
on Thanksgiving.
- Hey, happy Turkey Day, Gooms!
- Uh, hey-a, Vic. What, uh
What are you doing here?
Worried about what wild animal left
that surprise on your walkway last night?
No, man, from the looks of that poop,
he's not gonna be around much longer.
Something eating him alive
from the inside, know what I mean?
It's like a goddamn alien in there.
Say, I need some advice
on how to calm down Vic Junior here.
You guys have kids, right?
Uh
No, Vic, we don't.
Uh, I'm afraid we can't help you.
Aw, man, I don't know where else to turn.
I knocked at Chet's place,
but he didn't answer.
Let me try to soothe him.
- Oh, it's okay, Evie. You don't have to.
- I already am!
There you go. Evie's got you now.
Oh, thank you. You two are good people.
Uh
Yeah.
In just four short hours,
Buster Thunder Junior
will jump the Los Angeles River,
a majestic body of water
that flows with the waste
of Hollywood's biggest stars.
So, where's that brother of yours?
Maybe he was arrested
at the bus station.
- Again.
- Dad!
Pardon me for acknowledging
the lavender elephant in the room.
Hi, Dad.
Louis.
Oh, son, I hope you didn't hear
the horrible thing
your father just said about you.
I did.
Ah!
I love you.
And I forgive you.
Well, this is, uh, quite the hello.
I know I'm not supposed to say anything,
but you're so courageous.
Courageous?
I'm not afraid of catching anything.
Just don't touch
that scraped knuckle, okay?
Oh, this is wonderful.
Yeah, so great.
How about some mulled wine?
I want us to get along, son.
This has been eating
at the pit of my stomach.
- It moved to your stomach?
- Hey, look, a deodorant commercial!
- That's Turteltaub's! ♪
- And sons! ♪
It's a schmear for your pits!
Hey, you're a real natural there, Lady G.
I practice with the dog every night.
Turns out dogs
don't need solid food.
Very cool.
So, uh, what'd you do
to get him to be so calm?
If I told you that,
you'd never bring him back.
Oh, yeah,
you're probably right.
Well, I don't want to interfere
with your Thanksgiving. We should go.
No. I'm not finished yet.
But I promised the little guy I'd teach
him how to adjust a carburetor, so
I said back off!
Well, you heard her.
Why don't you have a tall glass
of Goomer's special eggnog,
and we'll catch up on neighborhood gossip
when you wake up?
Oh, I never thought
a nightmare could smell so delicious.
Robert, I came as soon as you called.
I'm so sorry
about your unfortunate misfortune.
Thank you, Lou. You're a good friend.
And don't despair.
Your insurance will cover this.
I don't have insurance.
I spent the money on this chicken suit,
which I did insure.
Then you should most definitely despair.
That's why I called.
Now that I'm ruined,
I won't be able to pay you what I owe you.
I hate to disappoint you,
but I'm afraid
we're gonna have to cancel our agreement.
I hate to disappoint you,
but as they say in Sicily, no backsies.
Oh.
Oh, boy, they're here.
All right, kids,
get ready to watch a battle royale
between the Sadist
and the San Francisco Treat.
Why does Pop-Pop hate Uncle Louis?
Sweetie, hate is such a strong word.
All Pop-Pop has done for the last 15 years
is reject his own flesh and blood.
Uncle Louis is a pickle sniffer.
- Hey!
- Ow!
He's not a pickle sniffer.
He's a song-and-dance man.
And you shouldn't judge him.
If what Uncle Louis does makes him happy,
then so be it.
Live and let live.
Now, having said that, if I ever catch you
playing footsie with another man,
I swear to God,
I will put you through that fucking wall!
Now get inside
and treat him like an equal!
What the fuck?
Stan. Louis. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hello, Frank.
What moldy, dented cans
did you get at the food bank this year?
Yeah, and which one of your shoes
are we boiling for dinner?
He's so cheap!
Be nice to Frank.
He's not cheap. He's poor!
I miss how we used
to shit on Frank together.
It's so easy!
Yeah, Louis,
you really know how to stick it to a guy.
Uh, stick it to a guy
with your jokes, you know.
Not with your, uh your penis.
- Hey, looks like it's going well.
- Too well.
Sue, thank you.
It's such a blessing to spend
one last Thanksgiving with the old man.
I want to tell him how much I'll miss him.
Yeah, but don't.
I have to stop them from being so chummy.
Twice now he's almost said something
that would blow the whole lie apart.
Sue, just exactly how did you see
this whole thing playing out?
I don't know!
I was at a gay bar. I saw my old boss
getting his pickle sniffed.
I had to think quick.
You have to help me keep them distracted
until the neighbors get here for dessert.
Honey, I wish I could, but what can I do?
They're not gonna talk to me.
They hate me.
Oh, Dad, these are the kind of things
I'm going to miss when you're
Dad!
Uh, Frank just said
he's happy Nixon got a full pardon!
- He said what?
- I said what?
That's right, Stan. I'm ecstatic!
I'll tell you, you know,
I wish he did a dozen Watergates!
- What about accountability?
- How can you say that?
Ah, fuck accountability!
Christ, the Democrats should've had
better locks, and you know it, Stan!
- Are you serious?
- He did some great things with China!
- I've heard things in my day, but this
- Right over!
Now thank we all our God ♪
With hearts and hands and voices ♪
Who wondrous things has done ♪
In whom his world rejoices ♪
From our mothers' arms ♪
Has blessed us on our way ♪
With countless gifts of love ♪
And still is ours today ♪
O may this bounteous God ♪
Through all our life be near us ♪
With ever joyful hearts ♪
And blessed peace to cheer us ♪
To keep us in his grace ♪
And guide us when perplexed ♪
- So, are you gonna get me my money?
- I'll pay!
I will! I will! I promise!
I think he's had enough.
Thank you so much.
Mrs. Bonfiglio, how have you been?
Ah, wet!
Whoa, guys, look! Buster's about to jump!
How do you feel
on this Thanksgiving, Buster?
Like the original Pilgrims did
all those years ago,
ready to kick ass
with 400 pounds between my legs!
Look who's here!
Charlie Chaplins!
My little tramps!
You haven't done this in years!
They cloned him!
Look at them together.
Why aren't you arguing right now?
I'm sorry, but I ran out of nice things
to say about Nixon.
I mean, I I I guess your dad
turned me a little.
You still got it, Dad.
Hey, kids, did you know
I once got a hole in one at Baltusrol?
Kevin, I hear you've got a lady
in your life.
She'd be in my life
if she picked up the stupid phone.
I keep calling, but she stands
over the machine, mocking me.
I can feel it!
Oh dear.
Young love can be so hard.
I'll bet there's
a perfectly sensible reason
why she's not answering the phone.
What's that mean? You think
she got back together with Joel?
I'm sure whoever this Joel is,
he's not as handsome as you are.
What are you talking about?
He's a man! He was bar mitzvahed!
She she's probably not
with anyone else.
- You mean she's dead?
- I'm not saying she's dead.
- Then it's not too late to save her life!
- I got to go find her. Alice.
I didn't know
what Nguyen-Nguyen was gonna do.
I just told her about a Columbo episode
where a Vietnamese woman
poisoned her husband.
Then I lent her some bleach.
Yeah, you probably shouldn't repeat
that story.
Well, thanks for the eggnog and the, uh
the memory loss, but I better get
Vic Junior to beddy-bye.
Where is he anyway?
Did he, uh, leave without me?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Evelyn, what have you done with that baby?
I warned you! I don't want to move again!
I like these names!
Here we are. I was changing him.
Oh, right.
I knew you were here all along
and not dyeing your hair
and making a break for the state line.
Okay.
Good times. Better go.
Please, just let me sniff my Geraldine
one more time.
Don't touch my baby!
Your woman is fucking weird, man!
For God's sake, Evelyn, move on!
We're never gonna have a kid!
You're the one who can't face the truth!
It wasn't clams!
And I'm starting to think
you lied about Frank's pants!
I stole his pants
because they made me feel alive, Ev!
In a way you never do!
You all have a Happy Easter. Okay.
You don't take me dancing!
And you've never once watched me
shit in the woods!
A man has needs!
This neighborhood was way more normal
when I was on the goofies.
Buster Thunder Junior
is ready to jump!
Here he goes!
Sue, this was lovely,
but we should be on our way.
It's a four-hour drive,
and I'd like to have your father awake
at James Dean Curve.
Oh, please don't go,
but here's your coats!
Thank you, angel.
And thank you, Frank.
The turkey was competently sliced.
And I know how hard
that must've been for you to say.
- Good to see you, son.
- You too, Dad.
Buster just might pull this off!
- Let's all do this again next year!
- Sue, how could you be so insensitive?
- What?
- Uh-oh, he's picked up a wobble.
Do this again next year?
Where? On Dad's grave?
My what?
Sue told me, Dad. Told me you're dying.
- You told him I was dying?
- Buster is airborne!
Not in those words.
Exactly in those words!
And he crashes
into the concrete riverbank!
He came so close and then shit-a the bed!
Why would you lie to me?
I wanted you and Dad to make up!
You thought so little of us
that we couldn't make up
without you putting a tumor in his brain?
You said you didn't give a shit about him!
- Well, that's real nice!
- Oh, as nice as disowning me, Dad?
You disowned yourself
the minute you decided
to lust over other men!
It's not lust, Dad. It's love.
I'm a human being!
I'm just the way God made me.
There you go,
always blaming somebody else!
Alice!
Alice! Come out, please!
I'm here to prove to you
I can give you your space!
- Oh, Alice!
- Kevin, what are you doing here?
Where the hell have you been, young lady?
We had Thanksgiving at my aunt's house.
You believe in Thanksgiving?
I thought you were Jewish.
This is a story
we're gonna tell our grandkids.
You're creeping me out.
Am I creeping you out
down there?
- Hey, Alice, is this kid bothering you?
- Is this that fucking Joel?
No, Kevin, this is
- Oh my God!
- Daniel!
My brother!
Ow, shit, my hand!
You knocked out my tooth!
You can have one of mine.
Kevin, get out of here!
I never want to see you again!
But it's Thanksgiving!
You have no idea
what it's like being your son!
You have no idea
what it's like being your father!
I had to bail you out of jail
for defiling that Greyhound station!
Bus travel has lost all its class.
Dad, stop!
You shame Louis, but maybe
if his lifestyle was more accepted,
he wouldn't have to do those things
in secret at the bus station.
- Oh, Sue, I'd still go to the bus station.
- See?
- The man's a deviant.
- And you're a bigot!
Stan, come on. It's Thanksgiving.
Louis is a good guy.
Yeah, he's got a little sugar in his tank,
but you know
Sugar in the tank?
I could kick your ass across this room.
- I was sticking up for you!
- Stay out of this.
Like you should've stayed out
of my daughter 15 years ago.
- Dad!
- He's right.
Dad and I got along great until the day
you married this balding piece of shit.
Eh, you know what?
You two can just go fuck off!
Jesus Christ,
this woman worked herself to the bone
to make this perfect day for you.
And she asked me to help. Did I complain?
A little at first.
But then, I cut short
a very, very happy nap,
one of those good ones
where you're sleeping so peacefully
you feel like you're dead,
you know, and you're thinking,
"Oh my God, it's finally over,"
right, to drive my snotty kids
to the grocery store
to get the fancy cranberries that I hate,
just to help her
bring you two back together.
And now I'm the bad guy?
Well, fuck you and your fighting!
Jesus Christ,
why don't you count your blessings?
You're lucky your old man's still alive.
Christ, what I wouldn't give
to hear my dad call me a "whiny bitch"
just one more time!
I'm happy to fill in, shit-bird!
Oh, no, no, no,
I said "whiny bitch," you fuck!
So fuck you, Stan! And fuck you, Louis!
And, Marilyn, I really enjoyed
the story about the ducks.
I hope that law passes
so the state doesn't kill 'em.
- Aw.
- But fuck you!
Ah!
Oh, you like Grandpa Bill's keys.
Yeah.
He was a miserable son of a bitch,
but his keys go jingle-jangle-jingle.
Hey, Sue.
Look, I'm sorry
that today went so badly for you.
I can't talk now.
I didn't eat anything all day.
Hey, remember how you said
I was too obsessed
with figuring out what my dad meant
when he said "box 16"?
Well, I think this thing with Louis
is your version of that.
And it's not good for you either.
We're never gonna get what we want.
You're right.
I'm gonna go wolf down some cobbler
and then pass out in the bathtub
with this thermos of mulled wine.
You're on Megan duty.
Guess what, Megan?
We never have to see Pop-Pop again
'cause Mommy was nutty today.
Yes, she was.
Ah!
Oh, you like that little one, huh?
Oh my God. Sixteen.
So much to be thankful for.
Holy shit!
- You okay down there?
- Everyone's alive, honey bear!
Keep drinking!
Now thank we all our God ♪
With hearts and hands and voices ♪
Who wondrous things has done ♪
In whom his world rejoices ♪
From our mothers' arms ♪
Has blessed us on our way ♪
With countless gifts of love ♪
And still is ours today ♪
Of this world and the next ♪
Of this world and the next ♪
I will turkey
your grandchildren.