Fuller House (2016) s05e04 Episode Script

1 La la la la la la Ooh Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN.]
Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy the evening TV Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh Who's that girl with all the fine moves? It's D.
J.
Can you dig it? Oh, I can dig it.
Ooh.
Oh, no.
Are you two digging each other again? Hey.
Your outfit for Moms' Night Out better be in that laundry basket.
Deej, I can't go.
What? No, we made a plan.
Tonight, we are getting our freak on.
Yeah, that's right.
I said, "Freak on".
At Club Euphoria.
It's where the She-Wolf pack started, and site of one of our greatest triumphs.
Yeah, Grammy-winner Macy Gray mistook us for lesbians.
Well, not just lesbians.
Dancing lesbians.
Yeah, we won a contest.
For dancing, not being lesbians.
I was there, and it was great, but now I have a baby and laundry to do.
When did you become me? Oh, Mylanta.
How could you say Ahh.
I will be back in five.
Knock knock.
Hey, Matt.
Hey, Rocki.
Hello, Deej.
Hello, Gia.
It's really great to see you.
Oh, that did not come across as sarcastic as I was hoping.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hi, Jackson's mom.
I'm gonna go talk to Ramona.
Mm.
Don't be impolite.
Ask Rocki if she'd like a beverage.
Sorry to interrupt, D.
J.
, but Gia and I need a little favor.
Here it comes.
They want you to dispose of a body.
When you have an SUV, people always want you to move things.
No.
We need a document notarized.
Oh.
D.
J.
Fuller, Notary Public, at your service.
So, what'd you do with the body? There's no body.
Ah, got it.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
You guys are good.
You are in luck.
I just got a brand-new notary stamp, and I have been dying to take this baby out for a spin.
Just when I think you weren't dorky enough, now I find out you're a notary public? It is so sad how women put down other women in power.
You stamp a piece of paper.
I am an official of the State of California.
I took an oath.
Did you? I didn't think so.
So what needs notarizing? Promissory note? Bank form? I know this is kind of a weird way to break the news, but a marriage license.
We got married! To who? Oh, wow! Congratulations.
That was a really fast engagement.
Like uh, none.
Well, interesting story.
Lil' Bun and I are in Vegas, and we thought, "We love each other.
Why not get married?" So what's the interesting part? Well, good for you.
What is this, your third marriage? - Fourth.
- Fourth! Ahem.
Oh, look at you two.
Learning new stuff about each other every day.
Well, they do say fourth time is the charm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Not often, but I've heard it.
Your mom ran off and married Matt in Vegas while you were at volleyball camp? I thought the most embarrassing thing they were gonna do in Vegas is go see Carrot Top.
Which they also did.
Oof.
Prop comics.
[ROCKI.]
Mm.
So, now I'm on to stepdad number three.
I don't even bother to learn their last names anymore.
Really? On second thought, maybe I should so I can forge his signature to get out of detention.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
My parents have been engaged so long, five of my favorite shows have been canceled and rebooted.
Hey, Ramo Oh.
Rocki.
What's up, Fuller? What's up is I haven't seen you since the hospital, where you held my hand and then never called me.
Call you? Why? Wait.
You didn't think that meant we were back together, did you? No-o-o-o-o.
[CHUCKLES.]
[COUGHS.]
I'm parched.
I'm gonna get myself out of the room.
[COUGHS.]
I was worried you thought we were back together.
Because of one stupid handhold? - Right? Heh.
- Hmm.
- Now that we're back to being broken up - We were never not.
Okay, good.
Glad we got that straightened out.
You know, I'm-I'm parched, too.
[LAUGHS AND COUGHS.]
This is wonderful news! The lovebirds have made their nest official.
Actually, my girlfriend made it official.
That's her notary stamp right there.
You know what that notary stamp does to me.
Just wait until I take your thumbprint, sailor.
All right, before I change my mind, let's go do Moms' Night Out at Club Euphoria.
Oh, you guys are doing Mom's Night Out? Gia, you should go with them.
Hmm.
Sounds like a fun place for my bridal shower you never threw me.
Oh, Matt, look at you, marrying Gia and suggesting she come out with us.
You are just full of great decisions.
[STAMMERS.]
You guys got married? Wow, how long did I take to get dressed? You stop to shave your legs, you miss a lot of drama.
I can stick around here.
It'll give me a chance to bond with Rocki, who is my stepdaughter.
Wow, I have a stepdaughter.
[INHALES.]
I've never even had a houseplant.
All right, let's do this, She-Wolf pack.
And Gia.
All right.
Baby monitor.
- Drive safe.
- Don't wait up.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Thank you guys so much for watching the baby.
- Don't worry about it.
Be safe.
- See you later.
It does not seem fair that the ladies get to shake their groove things while our groove things remain unshaken.
If Gia's getting a party, Matt should, too.
Let's get turnt.
I know.
Let's go to Club Euphoria.
Fernando, you guys are babysitting, and I'm trying to spend quality time with my stepdaughter.
Still weird to say.
[YELLS.]
Mom, can we go? Oh, hey, Rocki.
Um, your mom just went out, but if you don't mind hanging here a bit, it might give you and I a chance to get to know each other better.
Great.
Nothing like an awkward night with my ex-boyfriend and my new stepdad who wants to bond.
Yahoo.
That failed.
We should go to Club Euphoria.
Sit your groove thing down.
Ooh-ooh-ee-ooh There, Gia's bridal shower.
Happy? You're lucky I always carry toilet paper in my purse.
She's being modest.
She also carries seat covers.
Come on, guys.
Let's have a great time celebrating the new mom, the new bride.
And D.
J.
's new notary stamp.
Ah.
But first, we She-Wolf howl.
Yeah, I don't do that.
Nobody asked you to.
It's kind of our thing.
Good 'cause I don't do that.
Good 'cause we don't want you to do that.
Are-Are we gonna howl, or are we just gonna argue about who gets to howl? [HOWLING.]
[HOWLING TRAILS OFF.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
What happened to our Club Euphoria? It's more like Club Eu-bore-ia.
There's no band.
There's no dancing.
I see three guys in Dockers, and one of them's eating an egg-salad sandwich.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks for ruining my bridal shower, Deej.
Well, at least you got a sash.
[SINGERS SCAT.]
Here's to you, man.
May you and Gia have a wonderful life together.
Thank you.
May your marriage be as exciting as our night tonight at Club Euphoria.
Where we're not going.
May your marriage be as disappointing as my evening.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Thank you.
This is my first Dudes' Night In.
Are you sure I can have apple juice after 6:00 p.
m.
? Hey, it's Dudes' Night In.
There are no rules.
Just make sure you use a coaster.
You know, Steve, Mom's not here, and our show is on and we're all tired of hearing Fernando complain.
When D.
J.
's not around, Max and I have a special show we like to watch.
It's violent, disturbing, and a little vulgar.
UFC Fight Night? Real Housewives.
Ooh, you guys are hard-core.
["REAL HOUSEWIVES" PLAYING.]
Wow.
You and Max have such a great relationship.
I really just want that with Rocki.
Well, you gotta give it time.
Besides, it wasn't always like this.
Last year, the kid was not a big fan of mine, and I was terrified of him.
I know, right? That kid is really scary when he wears a three-piece suit.
I can't not think of The Omen.
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
I thought I recognized this music.
They play it at my dermatologist's office.
You know why no one's on the dance floor? Because no one wants to be the first.
So I say let's be the first.
Come on, She-Wolf pack and Gia.
All right.
Ah, see? Look what we started.
I'll tell ya the par-tay.
You can't dance.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
What have we here, a dance challenge? Are the boys in the yard? 'Cause my milkshake's gon' bring 'em.
Look, ma'am.
I'm the manager, and dancing is illegal here.
As is whatever that was.
Illegal? Well, that doesn't make any sense.
This is Club Euphoria, home of the weekly dance-off.
Not anymore.
The city revoked our cabaret license due to noise violations.
Apparently it's illegal to drop it like it's hot.
Oh.
Well, let's just call it a night, then.
I do wanna thank you for making me go out tonight.
Aw, this night stinks.
Yeah, worse than that guy's egg-salad sandwich.
Come on, guy! Eat that in the car! Look, Gia, I'm sorry I, uh, ruined your bridal shower.
But, eh, we're not that close, anyway.
Listen Deej I know I don't have the best track record with this whole marriage thing, but I really want this to work.
I love Matt.
I am really happy to hear that.
Because Matt's a great guy, and he deserves to be happy.
And so do you.
Are you trying to get me to hug you? Yeah, let's get out of here before you do.
[STEPHANIE GASPS.]
Maks? Val? Is it true? Is it them? - It is they.
- [BOTH.]
Our favorite dancing partners.
It's sisters and brothers and whoever you are.
Hey, hey, ooh-ooh So I met this new guy from Postmates Ethan.
Huh.
I've been ordering burritos.
I didn't know you could order a boyfriend.
Don't mind me.
I'm just a guy holding a Popsicle stick.
Doesn't mean I think the Popsicle is my girlfriend.
Just grabbing snacks.
Unless you wanna hang, 'cause I'm here if you do.
No, I'm good.
All right.
You sure? 'Cause you and I really haven't had a lot of time to catch up.
Ramona ordered a boyfriend on Postmates, and Jackson's not dating a Popsicle stick.
You're all caught up.
Okay.
Well, if you wanna know a fun fact about me I'm from Florida, home of Disney World and boy bands.
Wow, so fun.
Why don't we talk later? Wow, that was harsh.
If that bothered you, Fuller, there's a guy out there from Florida ready to talk.
I'm gonna take these chips and go.
It seems like the guy just wants to connect with you, and you shut him down.
I need a water 'cause these chips are very salty.
And yet, I still keep eating them.
I think you should know that Matt is a super-decent guy.
Like, once, my whole family got sick from doughnut poisoning, and Matt nursed us all back to health.
I didn't eat another doughnut for days.
That is a really touching story but you don't know anything about me or my family.
I guess I don't.
Neither does Matt, and I think we'd both like to.
Sorry.
Now I need something sweet.
Ah-ah-ah-ah - Hey, so how'd it go with Rocki? - Ach, not great.
You know, I haven't had a 16-year-old girl work this hard to ignore me since I was 16.
I can't blame her.
She hardly knows me.
Now I'm just supposed to be her dad? No.
No one's saying you're supposed to be her dad.
You just gotta let her know, though, that you aren't the enemy.
Will you tell her for me? No.
Only you can have that talk with her.
Wow.
Shockingly, Fernando's right.
[TV SHOW CONTINUES.]
Phew.
I wasn't sure myself, but I said it with great confidence.
You can do this, man.
We believe in you.
Okay.
Well, it looks like Dudes' Night In is breaking up.
Fine.
Just go to Club Euphoria.
No, I couldn't leave you with the children and the baby and the emotional turmoil.
No.
But if you insist, I-I will go.
You do insist, don't you? Because I'm going.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- He knows how to leave a room.
Ethan's such an environmentalist.
His sneakers are made from recycled bottle caps, and his jeans are made from recycled sneakers.
Hey, Rocki, can I talk to you for a sec? Is it another fun fact about Florida? Let me guess.
You found an alligator in your pool.
Look, Rocki, I get why you don't want to be around me, but just know that this situation's weird for both of us.
And me.
Bye! Look, we barely know each other, and now I'm your stepdad.
Number three.
Three? Right, yes.
I learned that fun fact tonight.
But seriously, you know, I just want you to know that I really do love your mom, you know? And I'm not going anywhere.
I'm in it for the long haul.
- We'll see.
- And I want you to know that I have zero intention of coming between you and your mom.
I mean, it's clear you guys are super-close, which is rad, and nothing is gonna change that.
Definitely not me.
I'm sorry.
I know you've probably heard this stuff from your other stepdads.
Actually you're, like, the first one who's ever had a real conversation with me.
So I guess we're off to a decent start.
Decent's good.
Um just one question.
Anything.
What's your last name? And then Bethany accused Dorinda of calling the countess a drunk.
Which the countess denied, even while she was doing a Jager shot while in rehab.
No, that was the vacation to Mexico, where she fell in the bushes.
[BOTH.]
Twice! This is so anti-feminist, anti-humanist.
[THUNK.]
Did that lady just throw her fake leg at a dinner party? I love this show.
Oh.
What'd I miss? They just had a visit with the doctor who freezes fat.
I think you're right, Fuller.
Matt's okay.
Is this a trap? No.
Shockingly, you helped me.
You convinced me to give someone a second chance, so I wanna give us a second chance.
Wait.
Really? Yeah, I want to get back together.
- We were never broken up.
- What? I miss messing with you, Fuller.
Ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, we are so happy you are here.
We're so happy that you are happy that we're here, too.
- Come on, ladies.
- And Gia.
We got our dancing shoes on.
And our dancing socks.
That's two layers of dance.
Let's hit the floor.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Wait, wait, wait.
Bad news.
There's no more dancing at Club Euphoria.
It's illegal.
She means forbidden, like the Lambada.
No.
No, no, no.
There was trouble, and, um now dancing here is against the law.
Like the movie.
You mean Footloose? No.
The Man Who Lose Their Foot Because Of Bureaucratic Rules Against Dancing.
It had a different title back in Ukraine.
Right.
Uh, well, anyway, we're on our way out, so No, we're not.
Because Val and Maks are here, and that means tonight, we dance! Why did I choose this week to get married? [CLINKING.]
Attention, people of Club Euphoria.
Give me something inspirational, Mr.
Piano Man.
[PLAYING "THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC".]
Like the air we breathe, we need dance to live.
Especially us, because we're moms, and that means we hardly ever have time for ourselves.
Once I was so tired, I went to work with my dress on inside out.
So when us moms finally have a night to ourselves, we need to make the most of it.
And that means dancing at Club Euphoria! That was a beautiful speech.
But it's out of my hands.
Take it up with the law.
I am the law! As a court-appointed officer of the State of California by stamping this official napkin, I hereby declare dancing legal at Club Euphoria! [ALL CHEERING.]
["FOOTLOOSE" PLAYS.]
Does a notary even have that authority? No, no, but just roll with it, 'cause it's the closest my sister's ever come to breaking bad.
The party starts when Fernando arrives! Which is now, for I am here.
[BOTH.]
Ew, Fernando.
We do not like Fernando.
[STUTTERS.]
Actually, we like him now.
Yeah, we're together again.
Well, then we like Fernando.
And he can dance with us.
Just not as well as us.
[KENNY LOGGINS.]
Now I gotta cut loose Footloose Kick off your Sunday shoes Please, Louise Pull me off of my knees Jack, get back Come on before we crack Lose your blues Everybody cut footloose [WOMAN.]
Come on, girls.
Footloose You got to turn me around And put your feet on the ground Gotta take ahold of your soul I'm turning it loose - Footloose - Footloose Kick off your Sunday shoes Please, Louise Pull me off of my knees Jack, get back Come on before we crack Lose your blues Everybody cut footloose [SONG ENDS.]
[SONG RESUMES.]
Thanks for throwing me a great bridal shower, Deej.
Aw! Better be your last one.
Oh, Milo Come on, come on, let's go Lose your blues [LAUGHTER AND OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
That was the best Girls' Night Out ever.
Yeah.
Should we howl, She-Wolf pack? And Gia? And Gia.
And Fernando? And Fernando! [HOWLING.]
- [HOWLING TRAILS OFF.]
- Oh.
Oh, the best part about leaving my girl is coming home to her.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, that is such a mom thing to say.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
So is, "I can't wait to get out of these spanks".
Well, you will never guess what I did with my notary stamp.
I can't wait to hear and don't leave anything out.
Oh, it is all part of the public record now.
Ooh, hey, hey [JEPSEN.]
One, two, three, four Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
La la la la la la Ooh Oh