Futurama s05e04 Episode Script

A Taste of Freedom Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! There's no denying it.
The future's crazy.
Oh, well, don't want to stand out.
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! There's nothing crazy about it.
It's just Freedom Day! So, what is Freedom Day? Sounds like a feminine hygiene product.
No, it's a fabulous, crab-ulous day! If you want to do something, you do it, and just spleck with the consequences.
You know, like how I live every day.
Happy Freedom Day! Oh, I think my wrist is broken.
Of course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day without the traditionaI Freedom Tub! Ooh.
Mm.
That'll feeI nice on my shattered bones.
Wow, nude hot-tubbing? That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day.
Then consider the following lecture a bonus.
On Earth, freedom is a given.
But on my planet, we have to suffer for it.
Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor if you want your parents to roll over in their graves! Sure, you can vote for SkanadeI, if you want there should be a recession! Sure, you can go to medicaI schooI if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian! That's why I love Earth.
You can do what you want, and no one makes you feeI guilty because no one cares.
- We're not listening! - That's what I'm talking about! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Excuse me, coming through.
Freedom train arriving on track one.
Ooh, ooh! - Ow! You broke my foot! - Freedom.
What's this next float, Linda? Representing our men, women and children in uniform it's Earth's greatest space hero, Zapp Brannigan.
Happy Freedom Day, ladies! Come on, let loose and show me something.
Anything.
Seriously, I'd take an armpit.
Oh, yeah, thank you, Linda! You're welcome! Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn.
If that is your Freedom Day wish Thank you, secretary of transportation.
My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening.
We're free to choose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in.
If we don't want to pay our taxes why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.
See you ApriI 15, folks! Cue the fireworks guy! Incidentally, tonight's Freedom Day celebration is brought to you by: Shankman's Rubbing Compound.
When something needs rubbing, think Shankman.
Yay, Shankman! It costs more, but it's worth it.
Our planet has been through so much this past year.
Wars, droughts, impeachments.
But we've never lost our sense of what's truly important: The great taste of Charleston Chew.
And now, let us salute that beloved symboI of freedom our flag, Ol' Freebie.
I'm swelling with patriotic mucus.
In our darkest hour, we can stand erect with proud, up-thrust bosoms.
Anyone who laughs is a Communist.
Knowing that, with a shifty glance skyward we will see by the rocket's red glare, that our flag is still there.
It's gone! Yes, fellow patriots! I ate your flag! And I did it with pride.
For to express oneself by doing a thing, is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all its wonderfuI people! Kill him! Kill the traitor! Hey! It's the guy that desecrated our flag! Stop that red menace! I'm all scuttled out! What? My planet's embassy? They're paid to not kill me! Alley-oop! I thought I understood this world.
I thought I was fitting in.
But I guess I don't belong here any more than I do on our crappy home planet.
- Sorry.
- What sorry? Our planet stinks.
We all know it.
Enough with the persecution, I'm saying.
Zoidberg, as ambassador, I promise you the full support of our government.
Poor boy.
You want maybe a nice mug cocoa? Ambassador Mervin, you and your staff are so kind.
I'm truly humbled.
What, no marshmallows? Well, let's storm the place! Without my prior knowledge.
Coming through! Freedom Train! Step aside.
You, too, fatso.
Freedom! CooI your jowls, Nixon.
You may not like it that Dr.
Zoidberg desecrated a flag.
You may even find the image of it festering in his bowels offensive.
But the right to freedom of expression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution.
Argh-ooh.
Maybe so.
But I know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat! The Supreme Court hereby accepts the case of Earth v.
Zoidberg.
Sock it to him! Two, four, six, eight.
Eating the flag is bad! Now, your noose knot has exactly seven twists.
You can eat my dog You can eat my truck But you eat my flag And you're out of luck She's waving proud around the world From Dallas to Fort Worth Let me say it again Don't mess with Earth - They sure hate Dr.
Zoidberg.
- Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before it was cooI.
Where are we gonna find a lawyer to take his case? I'll ask the head of the ACLU.
Once he's done singing.
Don't mess with Earth Kill Zoidberg! Good night! Howdy, there.
I'm a lawyer, and I'd like to help your friend out of this pickle.
- Who are you, old man? - Name's Old Man Waterfall but most folks just call me Old Man.
I'll never remember that.
I'm a veteran of three dozen wars.
Name a body part and a planet, and I've taken a bullet in it, on it.
All to keep our flag flying free.
And you want to defend Zoidberg? Are you familiar with the old robot saying, "Does not compute"? Son, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks coming out it.
The sparks keep me warm.
I don't condone what Dr.
Zoidberg did but I'll fight tooth and naiI for his freedom to do it.
Or I would, if I hadn't lost my teeth and nails on Mars and Saturn, respectively.
Wait, you're a lawyer? You're hired! You okay there in the embassy, Zoidberg? No! There's no cocoa marshmallows! And every night, the rats eat a little more of my foot.
Oyez, oyez, oyez! All rise for the Honorable Chief Justice Myrtle Foo and the associate justices! CounseI, you may address the court on behalf of Earth, if ready.
I was hatched ready.
Honorable judge heads, yonder crawdad done ate up our flag.
I was doing freedom of speech, Earth's most sacred right.
Your Honor, freedom of speech applies to what comes out of a mouth not what goes in.
- Can counseI cite precedent? - Yes, darling, I can.
In State of Alabama v.
Giant Space Iguana chewing the corners off the Constitution was deemed nonprotected speech.
He shut you up, O'Connor.
Mr.
Waterfall, you may present arguments on behalf of Dr.
Zoidberg.
Oh, God, I'm nervous.
Two of my three hearts are having attacks.
Court's kind of fun when it's not my ass on the line.
Nachos? Oh, land-o-Goshen.
Your Honors, I'm not some slick big-city lawyer like my opponent here.
But I am a veteran who has fought for his planet.
- You see this hand of mine? - Yes, I do.
No, you don't! Because I lost my reaI hand planting the flag when we took back Halley's comet.
Yet it was worth it.
So much do I love that flag.
I love it even more than I love my seven wives.
That's right, I'm a polygamist.
Boo! Yet I would gladly eat a flag myself had I not used my intestine as a rope to hoist a flag made of my own skin if it would protect the freedoms of the proud people who salute that flag.
Freedom such as polygamy.
- Boo! - I rest my case.
Whoa, jeez.
The justices and I will now confer, using high-speed telepathy.
By a vote of six to three we find that flag-eating is not protected by the Constitution.
Six to three? I beat the spread! The court orders an immediate public apology.
Apology accepted.
Just don't let it happen again.
- She means you, you turkey of the sea.
- Me, apologize? Never! I came to this planet to learn the meaning of freedom! But I say it's you who should get a nice lesson.
So do your worst because no punishment could be bigger than denying me my freedom! You are hereby sentenced to death.
Wait, let me finish.
Also, in a rare double-whammy decision, the court finds polygamy constitutionaI.
Boo! I can't wait to tell my husband! Boo! Remember, men, take him alive so there's something left to kill.
Stay back! This embassy is sovereign mud of the mud planet Decapodian! Invading these mud premises is an act of war! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it, shrimpy? You wanna see, Mr.
Bigshot? Attack Earth! Yes, I know it's a schlep.
Just do it! Aha! Now the rubber band's on the other claw! Ready? Retreat! Deny my freedom, will you? Well, we'll do to you what we did to the Squash men of the Squash planet: Squished them! - Charleston Chew? - You bet! All right, Kif.
Let's show these freaks what a bloated, runaway military budget can do.
Bring me the codes for our globaI-defense network.
Aye, aye, sir.
Commence lip identification scan.
No tongue.
We can't be too carefuI with these codes.
Rumor has it a double agent may be aboard this very ship.
I'm watching you.
- You, ensign, what's your name? - Hugh Man, sir! Hugh Man.
Now, that's a name I can trust.
Run down to the centraI battle computer and enter these codes.
Sir, there's something about that ensign that's- You're damn right there is.
That young lad's gunning for your job.
And he just might get it.
The enemy approacheth.
Lieutenant, fire missile one and recommend me for another medaI.
Make it gaudy.
I'm going clubbing later.
Ticktock.
Sir, all planetary defenses have been disabled.
Perhaps the Decapodians acquired our secret codes somehow.
Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame.
Steady, steady Now! Dr.
Zoidberg, how can you claim to love freedom, and then enslave all of Earth? Your planet doesn't deserve freedom untiI it learns what it is to not have freedom.
It's a lesson, I say! Ow! What the hell is this dirt pile we're building? None of your beeswax, slave.
You'll find out soon enough.
Just focus on globbing that mud.
Glob! I'm no good at being a slave.
I'm thinking about graduate schooI to become a barber.
This can't go on.
Today is the day we fight back! - It's already 10:00.
- Oh, you're right.
Tomorrow is the day we fight back.
Yeah, well, good luck, sister.
All our modern technology is useless.
I know I am.
Hey, wait.
I'm having one of those things.
- You know, a headache with pictures.
- An idea? Mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
Back in my day, we didn't have your fancy all-digitaI weapons.
We still managed to kill each other just fine.
The crossbow.
A pitiless, elegant killing machine.
The Bender of the 15th century! Not big enough.
We need something that can take out an entire army.
Something you could commit a war crime with- Wow! Ow.
Earth slaves, behold the fruit of your labors: The mobile oppression palace! Neat! I don't need to tell you that occupation forces are expensive.
But with the mobile oppression palace a few dignitaries can oppress your entire planet for pennies a day! Warships, dismissed! Do your worst, you sea devils! I'll make my stand with Ol' Freebie! You can crush me, but you can't crush my spirit! Oh, my spirit! Great-grandpa, no! Another victim of the mano-centric male-ocracy.
Ambassador Mervin, you killed my lawyer! You're welcome.
He defended my freedom when no one else would.
- He was a good and honorable man.
- I request a satanic funeraI.
Boo! Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression - is schmutzing up our freedom lesson? - Take a pill, Zoidberg.
Begin again with the crushing! You haven't won yet, Mervin! You didn't expect us to even go to a museum much less steaI this ancient heat-seeking missile! I don't even know you.
Oh, it's gonna make such a mess! This is your secret plan? Heat-seeking missiles are useless against a mobile oppression palace.
AII Decapodian technology is cold-blooded, like us! All eyes on Zoidberg! Ew.
Hey, I need that to smoke! Zoidberg, how could you? I used to think you were cooI.
Wait, people of Earth, listen! Yes, I'm desecrating a flag, but to preserve the freedom it represents.
Zoidberg, you set us free! I feeI like I could stand to hug you! I can't, but you know what I'm trying to say.
Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg! If only they appreciated freedom this much on my home planet.
Wait a second.
They do! Because this is my home planet! And now, to raise this beautifuI new flag a red lobster that won't ruin your dinner, Dr.
John Zoidberg! You're a nice man, Nixon.
How's about you take a bite of the flag for tomorrow's papers? - Oh, I couldn't.
- No, no, go ahead.
You've earned it.
Well, maybe just a taste.
Now, that's a grand old flag! All right, Zoidberg! I wonder what the Shroud of Turin tastes like.
All right! Freedom!