Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s05e04 Episode Script

Come see the Sultan of Caspia's private touring collection of priceless artifacts.
Short time only.
Welcome, my friends.
Welcome, in the spirit of friendship and fair exchange.
Your Majesty.
Ahh.
Exquisite.
My visit to Greece will prove most rewarding when I return with rarities such as these.
You want rarities, Your Highness? I got rarities.
I represent a stable of artisans, young and promising but highly talented.
Here's an original Picassus! Hmm? Notice the abstraction, the line, the big, blue eye of Hercules.
And we have Warholius, who's fast gaining a reputation from here to Crete.
Marvelous.
I'll take them all.
Young and promising, yes.
But actually, the works are already flying off gallery shelves for top dinar.
Naturally! Such beauty comes at a steep price.
As is my custom, I offer a choice of remuneration.
You may choose either a bag of gold Gold is good.
or you may choose from among my humble collection of antiquities.
Oh! What's that? Louder.
I can hardly hear you.
Ah! Now I understand! "Steal me.
" Well, if you insist.
Now, let me get this straight.
We can choose whatever we want from in there? Oh, as much as you can carry, until the sand glass runs out.
Um I pick door number two.
Oh, this is gonna be good! Greedy fools.
No one ever takes the gold.
Hmm.
These and those Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Shop till you drop.
This could start a trend.
Hmm? Oh! Mama! Huh? Hmm.
- Salmoneus.
- Autolycus? - I saw it first! - In case you forgot, I'm the King of Thieves.
Which means it doesn't matter who saw it first, 'cause it all comes back to me.
Says you, buddy! Oh, it's a death trap! The sultan's full of surprises.
Let go! You let go, Piss-and-Moanius! Huh? Oh, don't look so bug-eyed! Haven't you ever seen a genie before? Now, what was that again? Oh, yeah.
Your wish is my command.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! So you're a genie.
One for tall, dark, and, uh, not too bad to look at.
So my wish is your command, huh? No,mywish is her command! I saw it first! Oh, both of you shut up! Now, I'm supposed to grant one wisher three wishes.
Seeing there's two of you, I guess I'll have to improvise.
Um, you'll share.
Share? With him? Oh, no, no, no.
If word got out, I'd be a laughingstock.
Too late for that, Prince of Pilfering.
- Say, how'd you like a fat lip to go with the rest of you? - Stop your arguing.
It's my way or the highway.
Oh.
You each get one wish, and then you split the third.
Well, as long as you put it that way.
Maybe you're not as dumb as you look.
Okay, get in there and remove the bodies.
If anyone plans on filching any gold teeth, remember the last man that tried now wears his sandals where his kneecaps used to be.
Hold 'em off, Sal! Whoa! I'll just hang onto this for safekeeping.
Where that lamp goes, I go.
Whoa-oa-oa-oa! You took the words right out of my mouth.
My lamp! They stole my lamp! Have these infidels no honor? What is the world coming to? Bring me their heads! I'm gonna be rich! Rich, rich, rich! Weare gonna be rich.
But I gotta tell you Somehow, this is all too easy.
I mean, for me, stealing treasure beats having it handed to you any day.
Yeah, stolen or handed to me, I can use the money.
Truth is, I suffered a few setbacks lately.
I mean, deals that should have closed suddenly went south.
I'm thinking maybe I've lost the touch.
When did you ever have it? My friends! Welcome! Try this brew I concocted from the roasted and ground blend of a rare seed the coffee bean.
Ooh-hoo! Yowza! Well, that'll certainly perk you up.
I'll serve it in different flavors goats' milk bean, farkenberry bean.
Customers can sit and drink and listen to philosophers and poets.
Yeah, well, uh, thanks for the jolt, daddy-o, but we gotta go.
There she is.
So, fellas, how do I look? I hear it's a hot new trend.
Rule number one: Never insult a genie.
You look great! Uh, could we get on with the wishes? First, a few ground rules.
All wishes must be for personal edification.
Selfless acts of altruism for the greater good are disallowed.
Oh, and I was gonna wish for world peace! Are you gonna read the whole thing? We're gonna be here all day.
As you wish.
Who's first? Hmm? I wish I had Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
We gotta be careful.
These genies, from what I hear, they're always trying to screw you, you know? You wish for a mountain of gold, next thing you know, you're under the mountain of gold.
So, I'll dig myself out.
No, there's always some kind of catch factor.
"Catch factor"? Yeah, you know the hook, the snag, the hidden angle the wisher never sees coming.
Run.
Run! What kind of a wish is that? Get 'em! Get 'em! Ooh.
Sal! Right.
Give us that! Sorry.
Sorry.
Careful, boys.
Lose that lamp, and you're out of luck.
Ooh! This is exciting! Kiss and make up.
How about a little basket for your fruit? Chew on this.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Get out of my way.
Uh-oh.
Dead end.
Oh! A little less lip might be nice! And if it's not too big a strain, I wish Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't ask her for anything.
What are you, screwy? You want to waste one of your wishes? Okay, I'm bored.
No charge for this one.
It's on the house.
- No charge? - No charge.
He-e-elp! Whoa! I think my ears popped.
That's some windburn.
Sorry about that.
I'm a little rusty.
Like the new 'do? Yeah! Yeah, now, that one, that's-that's the real you.
- Say, could we get on with it? - Wish away, hot pants.
Okay.
There's only one thing that I could possibly wish for that would make me a better thief than I already am.
I wish I were invisible.
Oh! How original.
Your turn, O Bearded One.
Self-improvement! That's the ticket.
I might wish I were more sensitive, less cynical.
More in touch with my inner child.
Or tougher.
More aggressive.
More athletic.
I can't seem to narrow it down to just one.
I can't seem to care.
There's never enough time in the day for me to do everything I want to do.
Bottom line I wish there were a way I could get more done.
Okay.
So, am I invisible? No.
What do you think I snap my fingers and miracles happen? These things take planning.
By the time you wake up tomorrow, your wishes will have come true.
But don't wait.
Start figuring out now how you're gonna divvy up wish number three.
Ooh! That was the ugliest outfit I have ever seen! Oh, and boys, don't lose that lamp.
Itisugly.
Shut up! Well, we ought to be safe for the night.
I checked us in under phony names.
Only one vacancy, huh? Yeah.
All they had left was the, uh, honeymoon suite.
Maybe one of us could sleep on the floor.
Thanks for volunteering.
Keep it down, will you, though? I'm a light sleeper.
No, no, no, no.
No.
We're gonna flip a coin on this one.
Now, call it.
Tails.
Oh, you lose.
I didn't see that.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I get the blanket.
Fine.
And I'll take the lamp.
Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Your reputation precedes you, O King of Thieves.
All right.
But don't let that lamp out of your grubby little paws.
Mmm! Good morning, Sal.
Morning, Sal.
Sweet mother of Zeus.
Sal! Sal, wake up! What? I'm sleeping! I'm the one who's having a nightmare.
One of you is bad enough.
Why are you torturing me? Aah! It's It's me all over! You wish you could get more done in a day? Well, with three of you around, you will.
Hey! Ho-ho-ho.
What about me? Well, now you see me, now you don't.
I can still see you.
Must be 'cause we're in this together.
Hey! I feel like a pretzel! Who rolled on me? I'm hungry! I would like some food, please.
Must be the sensitive, childlike me I wished for.
Hey-yaah! Ooh-wah! Yeah! That got the kinks out.
Huh? You must be the tough, athletic me.
Real fast on the uptake, pea brain.
No wonder they ain't been buyin' what you been sellin'.
Hey, this is great.
While you get to know yourself, I'm gonna hit that sultan's traveling treasure trove and teach that shifty sheik a lesson he'll never forget.
Watch that lamp.
Do it fast.
We still have one more wish to share.
What do you mean you can't find them? If I don't get my lamp back, every sorry last one of you will be shifting sand dunes from one hill to the other for eternity! With a spoon.
With a spoon! Well, don't-don't just stand there.
Hop to it.
Oh, I've died and gone to Elysium.
Where, oh, where to begin? So, did I deliver or what? Satisfaction guaranteed that's my motto.
Genie, baby, you are the bees' knees.
Now, watch and learn.
This is the part I like the most watching the wisher's dream come true.
Hello, baby! Say, what gives? I gave you what you asked for, Mr.
Wizard.
No, I asked to be invisible, not intangible.
These things are open to interpretation.
Oh, I knew it! There's always a catch factor.
- How do I become normal? - You asked for the power to be invisible.
You didn't say anything about being un-invisible.
Now, you listen to me, blondie.
I gotta warn Sal.
Look, Ma no hands.
And away we go.
Hey, are there any chicks in this butt crack of a town? I like a little action while I'm still young enough to enjoy it, you know? We're not going anywhere till Autolycus gets back.
- Yeah, whatever.
- It's pretty.
Be careful with that! We're gonna need that if we're ever gonna get out of this mess.
Hey, Salmonei.
The jig is up.
Am-scray.
Move your collective butts! Move it, move it.
move it! Come on! Hey! Great.
It's Scumbag and Scumbag Jr.
Hey, where's the rest of me? Forget about them.
It's you and that lamp we gotta keep in one piece.
Sal? Where's the lamp? Don't you have it? D'oh! One simple job I give you to do.
Now we gotta go back! Look out.
Addictive, isn't it? Ah! My friend.
Back for another sample? I want my mommy! I'm going to go broke giving out freebies.
Mmm! More, please.
If you want any more, you're gonna have to pay or trade, like everybody else.
Ooh! Now you really got my dander up! Silence.
All I want to know is the whereabouts of my lamp.
Hey! What's it worth to ya, Sheikmeister? 'Cause I know where it's at, genie and all.
What genie? I never knew Ohh! You never knew! You wanna waste time measuring each other's dipsticks, or you wanna cough up the gold, and I'll make like pork and squeal? Now, talk, you Insolent toad.
Yeah, whatever.
It's the same place your brain-dead honor guard picked me up.
Lucky for me they're both blind and stupid.
I'll get it, sire.
If it isn't there, I'll have you Hung by the gonads till I beg for mercy.
Yeah, whatever.
Gotta fly.
See you later.
Hey! Waa-haa! Hey! He's got my gold! Get him! It was here! I'm sure of it! "No, no.
You shouldn't hold it.
You're the King of Thieves.
" The sultan's men must have taken it! Search everywhere.
Find that lamp! Wait a minute.
They don't have it.
We don't have it.
It didn't just get up and walk away, Sal Sal! Open the door! They must be inside! - Tear the place apart! - It's here somewhere.
Look over there.
I've seen musicians leave hotel rooms in better shape.
Thank you.
Uh-oh.
There he is! Grab him, quick! The bad men! Bow before the Sultan of Caspia! You thought you could escape.
The lamp wasn't where you promised.
For lying, your punishment will be Look, will you stop that blubbering? Good.
Now cut off his tongue.
No! I I I I know where the pretty lamp is.
Speak now, while you still can.
I I gave it to the bean man.
Let me top that off for you.
Back in a moment.
This is the place! Ah.
Welcome.
Let's go! Hey! Th-Th-That's my kettle.
No problem.
Sire, your royal lamp.
Ah! Genie, I command you appear! You told me there was a genie inside.
Show me how to summon it or die! It's not my fault.
It's not my I don't Fools! This is the wrong lamp! Go find me the real one! Or join him on the chopping block.
- I don't know! - Go.
Get away.
It's not my fault! Whoa! We have it this time! Come on.
Let's go.
Get a move on, Sal.
Look.
They're getting closer.
What do you care? With you invisible, I'm gonna wind up taking lumps for both of us.
They have marvelous mud baths in this town.
Genie, can I just say something about your new outfit? Wow! Boy, it must be tough, bottled up in that lamp millennium after millennium a hot little number like you.
Tell me about it.
I'm a party animal.
Only, the parties always seem to be passing me by.
They say I'm the fastest hands in the known world.
Oh, sure, I could show you how I use 'em, but of course, I'd have to be tangible.
Sorry, sweet cheeks.
I'd lose my membership in the Genie Society if I fell for a limp come-on line like that.
I may be intangible.
Nobody said anything about limp.
That's him! Creep! - Pervert! - Swine! - Who am I? - Looks like you've been a naughty boy.
No! It wasn't me! It must have been my-my tough, aggressive self! It wasn't me! You see what I have to put up with-with? Over here! Look everywhere.
Uh-oh.
Sal! Sal? And my wish was for self-improvement.
And so I was split into three different parts.
And one of the parts, who's tough He's the one that assaulted you.
And I don't know what he did, but it wasn't me! I promise! I was I've got a terrific headache.
Y You have beautiful eyes.
Could you give me a neck rub? Uh-oh! Whoa! There he is! Get him! Ohh! That's gotta hurt! Yeah! Take him to the sultan! Ooh.
That was close.
For you, maybe.
Nobody's fast enough to lay a glove on me, eagle eye.
All right, tough guy, where's the real Salmoneus? Uh, he must be the one under the 20-guy pileup.
Oh, great.
Now the crybaby cometh.
Relax! All he needs is a little tough love.
Oh! Snap out of it! Huh? Okay.
I get it.
I'm being punished.
I've been deceived! You told me if I rubbed this lamp, a genie would appear.
Your Worshipfulness, the last wish belongs to Autolycus and me.
- Maybe if I rubbed it - Silence! I'm sick of being played for a fool.
Return that to the gallery! And as for the infidel Off with his tongue, Caliph? No.
Off with his head! Oh! I can't die! I'm young! I haven't seen the world.
I'm the sole support of children I haven't even had yet! Shame you lost the lamp.
I can't help you without it.
Yeah, and I can't help 'cause I can't touch anything.
Go get 'em, Pepe.
Watch and applaud.
- Hey-whoa! - Ho-ho! Get them! Ooh! That'll teach you to pick on innocent children.
Hey! Psst! Untie me.
Come on.
Yeah.
Okay.
Come on.
Come on.
Aah! No offense You're not my type.
Ya schmucks! You can't lay a glove on me! Ooh! You've had it, Sultan.
We're gonna rock your Casbah.
Who said that? Who's there? Don't flip out.
That's my job.
Hey-yaah! Okay, let's split while the splittin's good.
So to speak.
Fools! It's a trick! That's it, people.
Bow before the awe-inspiring miracle.
.
that is me.
Ooh! I think he's my favorite.
Look at us.
Couple of winners, huh? I couldn't be happy the way I was.
I had to be greedy and wish for more.
Yeah, and I was already perfection.
How could I improve? All right.
Here's the plan.
You corral the twins.
We're gonna work together and get that lamp back.
Sounds good.
Put 'er there.
You did that on purpose.
Did not.
Did too.
Did too.
Did not.
Did not.
Did not! Did too.
Did not.
See? Stop it! Come on, fellas.
We haven't got all day.
I'm scared! It's so high! Don't look down.
It's like a game.
Remember? Don't be such a weenie.
- You're a Salmoneus.
Act like one.
- He is.
Now, take this and keep it out of the way.
Attaboy.
Okay.
Loop it over the top.
Nice and tight.
- I got it.
- Is it tight? - I got it.
- It's gotta be tight.
- I heard you the second time! Careful.
Don't knock that lamp over, or you're a goner! Hey! You're making him nervous.
- Hey, you with the pike, get it up here.
- I got it.
Higher! You wanna kill yourself? You may choose as many items as you can carry until the sand glass runs out.
- Good luck, my friends.
- Okay.
On three.
One, two, three! Excuse me.
Okay, guys.
Spread out like I said.
Infidels.
This time, don't fall for their treachery.
Get them! Search behind the chest! This way! - No, over here! - Look out.
Coming through.
I may be invisible, but I'm still better-looking than any one of you jamokes.
We gotta catch him first! Hey.
Come on! All right, guys.
That's the way.
Oh, Sal.
Whoa-ho! Oh, Sal, I didn't know you had it in you.
Forget about it.
All right.
Let's get this show on the road.
You're starting to rub me the wrong way.
That's a little genie humor.
Yeah, well, put a cork in it, 'cause it's time for our shared wish.
I'm all ears, toots.
Okay.
Here goes nothin'.
Our last wish is We give up our last wish.
- Take a pass.
- Forfeit our rights.
- Cease and desist.
This is highly unorthodox.
Are you sure? You bet your phony wig I'm sure.
You think we were born yesterday? - We were.
- Shut up! See, no matter what we wish for, it's just gonna become the big daddy of all miseries, so We're gonna do the clever thing and wash our hands of the whole mess.
Very well.
Your wish is my command.
And now, boys, your souls are mine! What? Article 19, section five: "The wisher vows to exercise the sum total "of all three wishes.
Any concession results in the immediate forfeiture of rights.
" "Come on.
Don't read the whole thing.
We'll be here all day.
" Always read the fine print.
Bye, bye, boys.
Where are we? Don't you get it? We're inside the lamp.
Oh-ho! Wait a minute.
No walls can stop me.
Remember? Well, best of luck to you, buddy.
Wait! Our first wishes are over.
I don't think you can still do that.
Welcome to my world.
It's not much, but we call it home.
Huh? Looks like we have some new arrivals.
Let me guess.
You're all former wishers who defaulted on your souls? Mm-hmm.
You tricked us.
You made the first two wishes so horrible you knew we'd have to give up the last one.
Hey! Don't hang that on me.
Some of my clients are perfectly satisfied.
Why, take that fine gentleman there.
He used to be a shepherd.
For his first wish, he wanted to be able to talk to his flock.
I like sheep.
For his second wish, he wanted to grow wool so he could experience firsthand the joys of All right.
We get the idea.
Get us out of here.
Sorry.
Kick back.
Meet the gang.
I'm gonna go back outside, maybe find another sucker or two before settling down and calling it a millennium.
Later.
Rule number two Shut up! Look! The sultan's lamp.
Grab it.
Whoa! Oh, what's going on? We're being moved.
Happens every so often.
You get used to it.
I'm nervous enough without living the rest of my life in Quake City.
Say, that gives me an idea.
- What are you doing? - I'm trying to get us out of here.
Oh-ho-ho.
Got it, Sal? Here we go.
Okay.
All right.
The rest of you.
Yeah! Together we can make this work.
That's it.
Rock-a-bye, baby.
Ha! Put your backs into it! That's it, fellas! Genie-weenie, here we come! I'm getting seasick! Oh! Finally.
Let's get out of here.
- Hold it right there! - Oh, swell.
You again! Get them.
Kill 'em! Doesn't give much room to negotiate, huh? Let's get this straight.
I'm the Sultan of Swat.
Now, get off my back! Say good night.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Ooh, it's great to be solid again.
Huh? Huh Uh-oh! I'll take that.
Come on, Sultan.
Let's go.
Genie, don't punish them.
Breaking out was my idea.
And mine.
Well, mostly his, if we really wanna place blame.
After all we've been through, you actually want to leave? - Well, can you blame us? - I didn't hurt anybody, did I? Well, what do you call being locked up in that that Monument to bad taste? I don't think she's kidding.
I think she's just lonely.
You know the trouble with her? All she ever talks about is herself.
Day in, day out.
It's boring! And she won't let me keep sheep.
All right, fellas.
Huddle up.
Break! All right, Genie.
Listen up.
You tricked us so none of us could exercise our third wish.
And according to the official rules of geniedom, which you're sworn to uphold, each of us has one legitimate wish left.
We could all band together and wish you out of existence.
But we're willing to cut you a little slack and even give you something in return as long as you're willing to grant us our final wish.
You did it.
We're free.
Thank you, both of you.
There'll never be another "ewe.
" Oh, my! Well, I don't know about you, Sal, but I'm never gonna wish for anything I haven't honestly earned or stolen or Finagled.
Ever again.
And from now on, I know one of me is enough to go around.
On that we certainly agree.
You know, that genie wasn't so bad, as genies go.
I hope she's happy.
Oh, I'm sure she will be.
Now that she has a lamp full of company till the end of time.
Ooh, this is marvelous.
We're gonna be such good friends.
I love your hair.
And your nails to die for! This is great.
We like the same things.
It's destiny, karma, kismet.
And best of all, we have the same taste in shoes! Autolycus, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.