House of Lies s05e04 Episode Script

1 Previously, on House of Lies I want to buy you, Marty.
- We pay you to walk the fuck away.
- Go fuck yourself.
Funny running into you outside the dungeon.
- I know.
- Uh, the, wha-huh? Doug and I play in a weekly - Dungeons & Dragons game.
- Right.
You think you might consider maybe going out with me? - Who the fuck are you?! - Whoo! Wait a minute! Wait! I see you're getting acquainted with my friend, huh? Hey, Pop, I got to catch a plane, okay? Can you take Roscoe to school for me? Well, maybe if you spent a little less time on that driving range All right, I'll take him.
I think it's good that you're getting all this practice in, Marty.
Can't have you looking like a duffer if we ever get out there.
I think someone's angling for an invite to your private club.
- You think? - Oh, no, no, no.
I'm a woman of the people.
I play on the public course.
But I'll make an exception.
Uh, wait Do they allow black people at your club? That is so funny.
Hey! Look at Roscoe on fleek! I'm launching my own vlog.
You know, me in fresh 'fits - commenting on trends, you know? - Uh-huh.
Well, how's that fresh job hunt going? You know you still got to get one of those for after school, right? Dad, I've been pounding the pavement nobody's hiring.
All these businesses are concerned about the slow rate of economic growth.
That's bullshit.
Hey, Pop, isn't this usually the time when you All right.
I really don't have time for this, okay? Just talk to him.
What's up, my sexy bitches! Roscoe Kaan here.
I'm in the Kaan loft.
Today we talk about suit jackets and pins.
What? Uh, don't be pissed.
I was trying to find a pen when I found your bucket list and read every word of it.
What? Oh, my God.
Tess, how could you? Doug, I actually think this is great.
You are a confident, ambitious person who knows what he wants and sets very tangible goals.
- Well, yes, obviously.
- I mean, you knew that you wanted to go through the car wash - with the windows open - Who wouldn't? And act in an episode of Bones.
Okay, when I wrote the list, it was - the height of Bones.
- Okay, no, no, no, I - Doug, I really do think - Then they did this whole - this is great.
- London season Okay, "Send a message in a bottle.
" - Oh, I keep putting that off.
- Okay, "Witness a miracle.
" Oh, I've done that one.
"Watch the movie The Bucket List.
" - I got halfway through it.
- Okay.
I'll tell you what, how about I help you cross a few things off the list.
"Receive oral sex in a revolving restaurant.
" I could be on board with that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I can also totally get you a TED Talk.
Wait, you can get me a TED Talk? Thought the first thing would at least be equally as exciting.
But yeah, the executive curator, she's my friend.
Well, let's call her.
That's amazing.
Let's go for it.
Do you remember when we were doing that - economics problem set together? - Of course.
I got really frustrated and I shouted, "Fuck me blind!" And then out of nowhere, Ken pops his head out of some other room and is like, "Get me a blindfold!" Yes.
Yes.
Lot of confidence for a bald 19-year-old.
Listen, I'm really happy you called.
- Yeah? - I don't know if you know, but I kind of had a little thing for you back in the day.
That's not why you called.
Well, I mean, do a lot of girls ask you out to a romantic breakfast? So, what's up? What's, so, what's going on? I'm working as campaign manager for Seth Buckley's mayoral run.
He's unhappy with the economic advice he's getting.
There's a meet-and-greet fund-raiser with the candidate - on Thursday.
- Ah, Thursday I can't do it.
I'm all packed up.
Look, before, I wasn't meaning to Not even a thing.
Don't even worry about it.
Shit.
You know what? I've got to run.
But Thursday, you should definitely come.
There's gonna be free food, free wine I mean, I'll be there.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Sorry.
Sorry about that.
There was a miscommunication with the nanny.
There are lots of miscommunications with my nanny.
Okay.
I have about five minutes, so So let's see the house.
Your daughter's beautiful, by the way.
Thank you.
We're thinking of adopting a black baby, too.
- Where's yours from? - My vagina.
Well, his board's pressuring him to embrace the digitalization trend overtaking the auction world.
Mm, but Daniel Hathaway thinks the Internet is tawdry and commonplace.
Thank God he has high-class friends like us who get him.
Mm-hmm.
Bend to the popular whims of your less evolved cohorts.
Daniel, no, dear boy, perish the thought! You simply must triple down on you, dear boy.
We insist.
You must purchase huge lots and conspicuous pieces.
Uh, buy out student art shows and create new stars Ugh! Sorry, I don't have an ear for accents.
And while this exceptionally risky strategy puts Hathaway's auction house and personal fortune - in great jeopard.
- Mm.
We will sleep easy at night knowing that at the very least, we fucked over a dude - who murdered his own wife.
- Whoa.
Marty, I don't like what you're implying - about our judicial system.
- What do you mean? Daniel Hathaway was acquitted, do you remember? Mm.
Their fights were epic, and she stood to win a lot in that divorce, but what reasonable person wouldn't conclude she slept-walked off the balcony? How amazing would it be to be so rich, you could get away with killing your wife? You know what I meant.
- Tell us what you meant exactly.
- No, I think we know what you mean.
Just like to make it look like an accident.
- Okay, we got it, we got it, we got it.
- In any case, kiddies, kiddies, kiddies, Hathaway's has a market cap of three billion, so what do we say? - Go murder, go murder - Oh, oh, sure.
If it, if it's making money Go murder Then murder.
Oh, wow! That's the politician girl? - Yeah.
- Yeah, no way she's interested.
- Hold on.
I can - Nope.
I'm gonna seek other counsel.
- Okay.
- We don't need you to do that at all.
Marty, do we have business out of town on the 18th of next month? I don't know.
Just have a thing back in L.
A.
that night, you know? Yeah, if we have a road game that means I'm gonna have to fly back in the middle of it.
It's annoying.
Yeah, I'll check with your assistant.
It's fine.
Unless you want to deal with it personally, I mean You know what? You know If I ask you what the thing is, will you just shut up and let me finish answering this e-mail? You were answering an e-mail, right then, when I was talking? Oh, forget it.
- I'm sorry, no.
- Okay.
It can wait.
It's not important.
Good, good.
Do you know what a TED Talk is? Does that ring a bell? They've asked me to give a TED Talk, so you know No big deal.
Who cares? Sorry, hey.
I'm sorry, Marty.
Let me jump in there real quick.
Doug, did you just say you're gonna give a TED Talk? Oh, yeah, you heard that? Yeah, yeah.
It's called "Be the Dungeon Master of Your Own Destiny.
" And you're giving it? Yeah, should be pretty enlightening, hmm.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you Redfin has it as 1.
8.
I know Venice Beach is desirable.
That's why I want to move there.
I-I can go up to three, okay? Okay.
Venice Beach? Oh, surprise! Not a surprise.
We knew you were competing for the Hathaway's job.
I've just been insatiable lately.
It's like I want everything.
Gotta go big or go home.
Oh, I hate that expression.
You know who doesn't, though? Your old pal Skip, yeah.
- He loves them big.
- Oh, yeah.
Skip I turned him down and he goes Dumpster diving.
Skip Galweather's sloppy seconds? Yuck.
Yeah, when's your Hathaway's meeting? That would be tomorrow morning, boo-boo.
Oh, this afternoon.
Good luck.
And you have shit on your blouse.
I can't.
Thank you so much.
Excuse me.
Hey, remember when that crazy girl stabbed you in the leg? I will cut your dick off and I will stir my champagne with it.
Skip Galweather offers to buy K and A, and you don't think to tell me that? You were still working at Davis/Dexter.
Oh, that's beside the point.
That is a huge decision that has implications on the financial well-being of our child.
Remember her? Well, if she's so high up on your list, maybe you wouldn't move her to Venice Beach, right? - You can always sell your loft - Further away from her father.
- And move closer to us, okay? - That's a great idea, isn't it? Hi, I'm not a "I told you so" kind of guy, but you did have a shot to give me and Sarah the baby.
Anyway.
Here's the thing I'm not averse to increasing profits, but art wasn't meant to be consumed like a quiz on BuzzFeed or a cat playing the piano.
Remember that you have to die.
What? "Remember that you have to die.
" It's the literal translation of memento mori.
Art that embraces mortality as a means of bringing us to a closer understanding of the ephemeral nature of earthly endeavors.
How much pee-pee's in your underpants right now? Yeah, because I wear underpants on game day.
Our time here is limited.
It shouldn't be wasted on trifles.
Life should be spent creating beauty.
Protecting beauty.
Appreciating the beauty that appears before us every single day.
Ah.
Well, we couldn't agree more.
You gotta keep doing what you're doing.
Take it up to warp speed.
Okay, so you think the strategy is "go big or go home"? Yeah.
Uh, go big or Well? Uh, um, I can't.
I'm sorry.
Go big or go home It must seem like an appealing strategy, and the smart move would be for us to tell you what you want to hear, but, uh, it's business suicide.
- Oh? - The art market is overinflated, the bubble could burst at any time.
And I think that you've been through enough.
Losing your wife and then being accused of playing a part in that is something I can't imagine how it would feel.
I think the last thing that you need is to be fed a destructive line of bullshit on top of all of it.
What we need to do is baseline your numbers, do a SWOT analysis, but you can rest assured we'll take care of you and we will take care of your company.
Absolutely.
- 100%.
- I I think - that's it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
- Great.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Jeannie.
- Mm-hmm? Could you hang on for a second? Yeah.
What was that? Mr.
Hunky Murderer makes googly eyes at her and then suddenly all sense is out the window.
Hey, Doug, you know how there's the Olympics and the Special Olympics? Now, are you giving a TED Talk or, like, a Special TED Talk? Just a TED Talk.
Doug Monica clearly pitched our strategy, all right? Now, we go in there and do the same thing, we're done.
It'll look terrible.
What? Oh, go big or go home, right.
Hello? You gonna fill us in? On that? Daniel just asked me to dinner.
Uh So you're gonna date him? So he's not perfect.
Every guy's got something.
See, this one doesn't clean up after himself, that one throws his wife off a balcony It's not a date.
I'm just trying to win us the consult.
Jesus! Yeah.
Okay.
Well, looks like staying the course and not tripling down is their best move.
See, as other auction houses dive deeper into digital, Hathaway's can actually parlay its purity into an advantageous niche.
Except the stay-the-course strategy today means no afterwork tomorrow.
Oof.
Damn.
Well, look, don't let it get you down, buddy.
Marty's not being critical.
He He's just pushing you to be better.
I'm sorry, what's happening? But how can we be better? Hmm.
See, my role as Dungeon Master led me to a huge business win for one simple, yet powerful reason.
I was being myself.
- Mm.
- Thus our journey becomes one of - seeking out and embracing our essence.
- Yeah.
Look, take you, Clyde.
Oh, please don't take me, Clyde.
- No, let him take you, let him take you.
- You and Marty You were riding high as Marty's go-to, then Jeannie comes back and utterly displaces you.
- She did do that.
- Mm.
But you took solace, knowing you were - still ahead of good old Doug.
- Ah.
But then, boom I reel in a mega client.
Are you serious? The good news is you can turn it around, but the answers, Clyde, well, they're not out there.
Do you know where they are? - Don't.
- Oh.
I think I know.
I know.
Marty, Marty, please don't - point to my heart.
- Is it in there? Precisely.
That's where they are.
Look, you're Clyde and you need to figure out what that means.
Mm.
Okay.
Be the Dungeon Master of your own destiny.
You know what? Winning Tess's business has nothing to do with you embracing anything.
It was just dumb luck.
- Was it? - Yeah.
- Was it? - Yeah Was it? Yes! Where are we at on this game plan? Where are we at on this game plan? Did you just pack this along in your bag, just in case? No.
Daniel had it sent over for me.
- What? One more time.
- What was that? Daniel had it sent over for me.
So you're letting him dress you now.
I mean, that's not creepy.
Ever since Phoebe was born, I have been in sweatpants every night.
So if someone wants to send me - a Zuhair Murad gown - A "Zuhaish Maan"? Zuhair Murad.
I'm gonna fuckin' wear it.
I'm gathering we still have nothing? I'm actually onto something.
Nah.
We'll drill down and we'll ping you when we're a little further up the learning curve.
What the fuck is going on today? - This is insane.
- Okay, great.
Okay.
Well, have fun at the ball, Cinderella.
- Thank you.
- Hey, just remember that gown, at midnight, turns back into your blouse with the shit stain on it.
Try not to get murdered.
Avoid the balcony! Have fun with O.
J.
! Clyde.
You look magnificent.
Thank you.
Please.
So where are we going? The Met.
Isn't the Met closed? Not for the two of us.
You have a key to the Metropolitan Museum of Art? How do you have a key? You ask a lot of questions.
I like that.
I mean, there's no chance that he he actually kills her, right? - Oh, God, no.
No way.
No.
- Mm-mm.
It's, like, a three percent chance.
- It's, like, five, tops.
- Right.
Right.
You know, Daniel actually had a first wife.
Died in a car accident, but in light of later events, not so clear it was an accident.
Huh.
Nah, she gonna be all right.
- I think so.
Right? - Oh, are you kidding me? - It's Jeannie! - You don't mess with Jeannie! Right? I do not want to be the guy who tries to murder Jeannie.
Don't try it.
But if she does get killed, I get her office back, though, right? Come on.
Absolutely.
Thank you! After an appropriate mourning period - All right.
- Clyde's office.
'Cause I know exactly what I want to do with it.
I bought stuff for it.
We don't want her to actually die, Clyde.
I know.
Of course stop.
Of course not.
Jose Cuervo 250.
No, no, I didn't I didn't order You have an admirer.
$2,000 bottle of tequila, huh? Yeah.
I can afford it, though, Marty.
Seven times.
Seven times what? Seven times my revenue.
When Skip buys my firm, that's what he's going to put in my pocket.
But don't worry, I will probably throw you a pity fuck on my private jet.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, I know.
Bye.
Bye, Mo.
Hey.
Buck up, you.
You'll get your own fuck jet one day.
Oh! What's that doing there? Sorry.
The food is delicious.
And, um, this room is stunning.
Interesting fact Initially, neoclassicism was considered something of a fad for the Parisian elite, until Marie Antoinette brought the goût grec to Versailles and reappropriated it as Louis XVI style.
- I'm being so boring.
- No.
No, I actually have always wanted to learn more about art.
I didn't grow up with much around me.
We only had two pieces.
One was, um, dogs playing poker A fantastic piece.
And, uh, a paint-by-numbers Johnny Cash.
I don't know that one.
It's very rare.
But I imagine there was warmth and love.
Not so much? Not so much, no.
I think that's why I wanted to have a kid, you know? Do the whole "better than they had done" thing.
How's that going? Should we be talking business? 'Cause I'm billing you for this.
Quite right.
I want to get my bloody money's worth.
Our end state vision for you is to keep your brick and mortar strong, while creating a separate online brand.
- Mmm - I know, but we're envisioning it as a purely VIP experience, dealing only in exclusive pieces, while maintaining a prohibitive pay wall and a capped number of members.
I like that.
Great.
I really like that.
You know it's such a beautiful night, and it's a full moon.
I think we should go up to the roof.
You know, I'm not that into the moon.
Not into the moon, or not into going up to the roof with a man who's been accused of pushing someone off a high balcony? - Little bit of both.
- Okay.
Well, don't worry, I only kill my wives.
Hold up.
He actually said that? He told you you looked like his wife? It sounds creepier than it wa No, wait, did he, did he say the one that he maybe killed, or the one that he definitely killed? - I didn't ask.
- Well, that's smart.
Okay, so you're on the roof at this point.
How'd you get out of there? I just put my clothes on and left.
- Okay.
- She just put her clothes on and left.
Oh, fucking, fucking You were supposed to receive a cancellation call.
Mr.
Hathaway has decided to go with another consulting firm.
Excuse me? You can't go back there! It's okay, we know each other.
She fucked him last night on the roof of the Met, so we're good.
Thank you, though.
I'm confused.
I thought, when I left last night, we were in agreement, and now I'm finding out you gave the consult to that cunt? Okay, hold on a second.
Um, sorry, I'm supposed to hand over a multimillion-dollar consult just because No, that's not what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I don't think you get to stake out the moral high ground, Jeannie.
Sorry, but we used each other.
Yeah, I wanted to have sex with you; you wanted my business.
I didn't fuck you for the business.
I actually Uh, even if I did, I can absolutely stake out the moral high ground with you.
What's that supposed to mean? I don't know.
Let's ask one of your wives.
Oh, wait.
This doesn't seem like a good road.
- No.
- No.
I mean, what's lying to someone you just met when you've sent a loved one hurtling over a third-story balcony? Ooh, I wouldn't have said that part.
Should we be intervening? Oh, sure.
Stop.
That's an original.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Get the fuck out.
Get out.
Caught it.
Clyde! - Oh, my God, you came! - Hey.
Hey, I'm so glad.
Come on.
I'll, um I'll introduce you to the candidate.
Yes.
Please.
Hey.
Congratulate me, Dad.
Somebody get a job? I got a lead on a job.
Several jobs, actually.
I mean, I got myself a modeling agent.
That's not what we talked about, Roscoe.
But, Dad, if it goes through, it's gonna be a lot better money than working at Domino's.
Yeah, well, you're still gonna get a real job after school.
So I have to be miserable because you are? Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! You're getting it.
You see how smart this kid is? Grandpa, tell Dad he's being totally unreasonable.
Grandpa, tell Roscoe that you are still driving him around tomorrow after school to get job applications.
Uh, I can't tomorrow.
I'll be in San Diego tomorrow.
It's Rita's niece's confirmation.
Oh.
Uh, how long are you going to be gone? Oh, just a few days.
Hmm? - Mm, maybe more.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm just asking because, you know, Phoebe's gonna be here this weekend.
No.
This-this is not the moment.
- Not the moment? - Uh-uh.
Sweetheart, you are a 68-year-old with Parkinson's.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you have nothing but time.
- Okay? Okay? - Okay.
All right.
You got this.
That's Okay.
She she Roscoe, could you give us a moment? Yeah.
Why do I feel like I'm in the principal's office? I've done you a disservice.
- What are you talking about? - Knowing that I was there for Roscoe, both physically and emotionally You've been able to skate by? And you're still Now, you're still skating by.
That's no good.
That's no good for Roscoe.
It's no good for Phoebe.
That's no good for you.
I was ready to enjoy my retirement a long time ago, you know? Don't get me wrong.
I-I wouldn't I wouldn't give up my time with these kids for nothing in the world, but I want to be their grandfather.
You know? I want to I want to spoil them.
I want to give her piggyback rides, and too much candy, and and dump 'em back in their father's hands so you can do the parenting.
Hmm? Like I know you can.
Tell him what you were thinking.
Seth, you're gonna love this.
All right, I roughed out some numbers, and there's actually a feasible path forward on a government-private sector partnership that will step up the building of desalination plants.
That's a good idea.
I know.
It feels like a good idea, right? Hi.
Excuse me for just a moment, guys.
Yeah, of course.
Course.
No, no, no, that's great, that's great.
But how do you control costs? Yeah, well, most of it is actually defrayed by the businesses.
She's pretty.
Ah.
Bronwyn, yeah.
And smart.
Mmm.
That's why you're here, isn't it? Also heard there was free food.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but the food is not free.
- I'm kidding.
It's free.
- Right.
But I'm fairly certain Bronwyn is a lesbian.
Nope, absolutely not.
Actually, I'm certain that she's a lesbian, because I officiated her wedding to Katie, who is a woman.
So, lesbian and married.
Fantastic.
However she got you here, though, I'm glad you're here.
I'd like for you to advise the campaign.
I'm not really a politics guy.
Could have fooled me.
Look, I know you got a day job, and you're probably kicking ass at Kaan & Associates.
But this is an opportunity for you to get in on the ground floor of something that's potentially great, and to be an essential component of what makes it great.
All right, I want you to be part of this.
- I'm not taking no for an answer.
- Uh I'm kidding.
I will take no for an answer, but it would make me very sad.
And nobody's gonna vote for a guy who looks like this.
Yeah, I wouldn't vote for that guy.
See, you're already advising me.
I thought she was hungry.
She's not hungry.
Okay, there's no fever.
It's not gas.
She's just been crying and crying.
I can't get - her to go to sleep.
She won't sleep.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- She will not sleep, Marty.
- Shh, shh, shh.
It's okay, good.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay.
Shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, it's okay.
So, uh, Pop used to do this thing.
- Shh.
Can you lay that out for me? - Yes.
Yes.
Called it the five S's.
You swaddle.
Shh I know, I know.
Swaddle.
Okay.
You swing.
Shush.
And side.
Shh.
I know.
Shh, shh, shh.
And stick the pacifier in its mouth.
Is she asleep? That's called sleep.
Fuck you.
Yeah.
Maybe you don't want to be moving, uh, far away from the baby whisperer at this point.
Just sayin'.
I was outbid on the house anyway.
Shit.
Look, Jeannie, you can move if you want to, obviously.
That's your prerogative.
Not even sure I want to move.
I just want I don't even know what I want.
And I should have told you about the offer.
Yeah, you should have.
Speaking of which, Monica tells me that Skip is prepared to shell out seven times her firm's revenue.
- Are you kidding? - Seven times.
That multiplier is five times on a good day.
Wow.
Well, at least the money's going to someone deserving, - like Monica.
- Mmm.
If it goes to Monica.
So, you know, Skip is eyeing a number of firms.
Sure, most of them can't compete.
Most of them can't, but some of them can? I mean, it is so much money to just walk away from.
- Are you considering? - I don't know, I don't know.
- Maybe.
- Wow God, could you imagine stepping off the hamster wheel for a while, and having the time and the financial wherewithal to reflect on what comes next? Yeah, we don't even need to reflect on what comes next.
You know, just be.
Marty Kaan, secret Buddhist.
We could be there for Phoebe in a very real way.
You know, she wouldn't see the stressed-out versions of ourselves from work.
Yeah.
And no travel.
- How about that? - No travel.
- Yeah.
- No.
Or yes to travel, but only good travel.
- Yeah.
- When I was little, I always wanted to go to Barcelona.
I don't even think I knew it was in Spain.
I just It sounded so fancy.
We could bring Phoebe.
Uh, I'm not saying "we.
" I - I could her bring her, or you - No, no, no.
- Could bring her separately.
- No, no.
No, yeah, no.
No.
"We" is No, we could we could bring Phoebe.
We may, you know, we could travel as a family.
Bring Roscoe, too.
"We" doesn't have to mean, you know, we.
Hell, maybe we take this away from Monica, she even kills herself.
Now, that is dark.
- But it's also - But it's good.
No, it's good.
Except, she is Roscoe's mother.
So that makes it a little tricky for me.
Yeah.
I wish I didn't love Roscoe so much, because that's kind of my favorite part of this plan.
Are we jumping in? Yeah.
Well, fuck yeah.