Ideal (2005) s05e04 Episode Script

Is that you, love? What did the doctor say? They wants me to go to hospital and take some tests.
God, I'm dreadin' the revision.
There's nothing to worry about.
He'll want to take away a load of yer blood and give yer brain a good X-raying.
I hope I'm normal.
Do you feel normal? Well, me bullet hole aches a bit.
I imagine that's normal for a bullet hole.
Sometimes I get this thing where I think People are singing, but they're not.
And what's that accompanied by? Nausea? Dizziness? Music.
Well, that sounds jolly.
But then I started to think I'm gonna end up back in vegetable world.
In me coma.
It's not gonna happen, Jen.
I promise you.
It's a good thing It's a good thing It's a good thing It's a good thing.
What's up? Nowt.
I'm fine.
Brian's comin' over later.
He reckons he might be able to get me some bar work at his mate's table dancin' club.
So I thought I might take the chance to, y'know, look up some new friends.
You? A barman? Sellin' drugs to sellin' drinks.
It's not that big a career swerve is it? Hang on, I thought you'd got a job down at Easy Spud.
I was an Easy Spud employee for approximately 25 minutes.
Then they had to let me go.
Why? They found me asleep with me head in the spicy pepperoni sauce.
Said I'd made the entire batch unfit for human consumption.
Which reminds me OK, yeah.
See you later.
Bye.
Gonna freeze these.
Then that'll be next month's meals taken care of.
I'm goin' to see me mum.
Find out how me baby's been doin'.
Expect you've been worried about her.
No.
That's the worst thing about bein' in a coma, you don't worry about anything.
Isn't that the best thing? Surely the worst thing about being in a coma is the hours? Well, the problem is The problem is what? Erm What? What's the problem? What problem? That's what I'm asking you.
Oh.
There's no problem.
See ya.
Who is it? Marco.
Who? Marco.
I do odd jobs for Mr Rupani.
I've come to finish upgrading your electrics.
Have you got any ID? I've got a ladder.
It does feel like a ladder.
It definitely is.
I've been up and down it.
I suppose you're official.
What are the chances of lightning striking twice in the same place? Do I have to answer that before I come in? No.
In you come.
Thanks.
It sounds like a ladder, too.
Oh, brilliant.
Charlie's Angels.
Cartoon Head needs to talk.
So, how come yer takin' time away from your valuable charity work to come and see me? Cartoon Head has a job you may be interested in.
Is that right? Cos You may 'ave already read it on Ceefax, but I've given up dealin' weed.
Good move.
Dealing weed is for morons.
Yeah, well, I'm an ex-moron.
The sensible money is dealing heroin.
Big sensible money.
I'm not interested.
Not if it's drug money.
I'm not spendin' any more time with idiots who are off their heads.
I'm gonna be a bartender.
No.
No.
It'll never work.
Nobody'll come here fer heroin.
I'm just not known as a heroin dealer.
It's like if Mothercare suddenly started stockin' land mines.
Don't worry.
We've been busy putting the word about Moz sells cheap smack.
What!? Chen will make a delivery every Friday night and collect the profits.
Your cut will be a quarter of your takings or 25%.
Whichever is larger.
I'm sorry, no! There is an alternative.
Good.
Well, that's more like it.
You could look inside the red bag.
What's in there then? Summat and nowt? But the implication is .
.
that looking inside there is a worse fate than spending my life as a minimum wage smack dealer.
But .
.
if I look in there .
.
I don't have to work for you lot? No.
OK.
I'm callin' yer bluff.
I'm gonna open the bag.
All right then Where are me scales? Well, lads, this has probably been me most proactive restart interview ever.
Remember, you work for the Triad now.
I imagine you'll be sendin' me details of the pension scheme.
Chen will call on Friday with more smack for you to sell.
Sssh! Keep it down.
What's next? A poster campaign? Sky writing? Cartoon Head will consider your ideas.
Listen, when we get in there, follow my lead.
I saved Moz's life, right.
So we've got a really special relationship now.
OK, blood.
Right, knock.
All right there Moz, me old mucker.
How the devil are yer, fella? Piss off.
Hey blood, can I use yer toilet? No.
C'mon, blood.
Me bladder feels like a space hopper.
There's a pub at the end o' the street.
Bounce on down there.
They make you buy a pint.
It's true what he's sayin', like, Moz, blood.
Yeah? Well, if I were still dealin', I'd mek yer buy a quarter.
Get in! What you doin' in my chair, blood? Sittin' in it.
It's my chair.
In my flat.
Yeah, yeah.
But when I comes here, I likes to thinks of it as my chair.
Now that That is a proper sit down.
Me an' Xavier 'ave launched a new gang.
Oh, yeah? Who's the boss? BOTH: He is.
Democratic.
I'm tellin' yer, blood, it's gonna be a legendary partnership.
Not so much Lennon and McCartney, more Ringo and Andrew Ridgeley.
I reckon there's no limit to what this gang can do, blood.
So what are yer doin? We've not made a decision yet.
We thought maybe we could work for you.
Now you've started sellin' cheap smack, like.
I'm not dealin' smack.
I'm not dealin' weed.
And I'm not tekin' on staff.
So Supergang will have to find summat else to do.
I suppose we could always hang around the school gates.
Sellin' weed? Stealin' dinner money.
The problem is we got no plans, blood.
No real direction.
All right, lads? So have yer missed me? Right, it's done.
We burned the dead body in the incinerator.
Dodgy Darren's ex-stepbrother says he's gonna hook the ankle bones out and he's gonna bury them somewhere no one will ever think of looking.
Kirby Lonsdale.
Ignore me.
This is Marcus.
Mr Rupani sent him.
I'm degrading your electrics.
Upgrading.
Upgrading.
It's Our dog died.
Marco.
Just had it cremated.
Oh.
What breed was it? It was a toyshepherd.
Why are you burying its ankles? Family tradition.
Have you finished or? Nearly.
I'll get on.
Ouch! I hope that's a bandage you're sewing.
Sooooo, what yer bin up to, lads? They've formed a new gang.
A gang? That's nice for yer.
What about you, blood? Paul's made a few changes to his action plan, since Tania became his life coach.
What's he mean, like? I've packed in dealin' drugs, stolen goods, weapons and porno.
Yeah, that's for mugs.
Shut it! I've got summat lucrative lined up.
Seriously? What is it? Washing windscreens at pelican crossings? No.
Human traffickiiiin'.
Fer cryin' out loud, Paul! You said you were goin' straight.
You said you were goin' straight.
But everybody says yer sellin' cheap smack.
Who's everybody!? Colin, that bloke down the Horses with a face like a rambutan and, er, Flu Strength Darren.
I heard it off've a fireman.
Well, they're all wrong! OK? Even Fireman Sam! I've not got any smack in this house! That it there? No! That Coffeemate.
So if yer'v come round for smack, you've had a wasted journey.
Psycho Paul doesn't take heroin.
It makes him non-aggressive.
Imagine the money's good dealin' smack.
I wouldn't know, Xavier.
I've moved on.
I've gone for a job as a beverage-customer interface consultant.
Pullin' pints? Yep.
So lads, are you in or are you out? TOGETHER: We're definitely in.
We're definitely out.
What? We're in.
He means we're in, blood.
Yeah, that's what I meant, in.
Nice.
It's very big right now, human traffickin'.
We'll mek a fortune an' nobody can stop us.
All right, lads? Tania.
Psycho Paul.
What you up to? Nowt.
Just .
.
chattin' about football and beer.
You three aren't bein' a gang, are yer? ALL: No.
Good.
I hear you're sellin' cheap smack.
No! Who told yer that? Wendy who works at Wendy's Wool.
Wendy Wendy? No.
Other Wendy.
There's no smack available here.
Is that it there? No! So are we goin' to bingo or what? Bingo!? Shut it, Morris.
I'll come down for two games only.
Would yer mind tekin' Kelly's Eye and t'other one? I'll let yer see yerselves out.
Bye then, Bingo Paul! Careful, Morris! Or yer might lose yer bonus balls.
Bros back together an' nobody told me.
Hi, hi! Moz, Lewis Lewis, Moz.
Hello, Moz.
Aw.
Ain't he scrummy? My thoughts precisely.
Show a bit more respect.
Yer could be talkin' to yer new boss 'ere.
Eh? Lewis runs that table dancin' bar on Canal Street Schlongfellows.
So it's a gay bar, is it? Yeah.
Got a problem working in a gay bar? No.
Christ no.
Some of my best passing acquaintances are gay.
So what d'yer reckon? Yer gonna give 'im a try out? OK.
Come tomorrow at 6.
30 and I'll show you the ropes.
Hundred quid a night plus tips, OK? Nicely nicely with ice and a slicely.
Cheers, mate.
I appreciate it.
No worries.
I better get going.
See yer later, penetrator.
Thanks a lot, Brian.
Hey.
Always happy to interfere.
I've got a proper job.
I'm re-entering respectable society.
Via a gay table dancing bar.
Judith.
Hello.
Sorry.
I thought you'd still be here.
I am.
I keep thinking about you.
I keep thinking I wonder if you keep thinking about me.
I keep thinking about you, in case you were wondering.
Will you marry me? No.
Sorry.
What about my baby? Your baby? It's Cartoon Head's.
I've been pregnant for eight weeks now.
You didn't really mean your baby, did you? It was just a figure of speech, wasn't it? It was just a finger of speech.
I should take me ladder back home.
In case me dad's missing it.
I still want to see you.
Ignore me.
Marco? So me life can begin again, with a new job and a conscious girlfriend.
Hey, hundred quid a night plus tips.
There can't be many barmen get that.
The ones down Schlongfellows certainly don't.
They're on minimum wage.
So why's he paying me so much? Well, table dancin' actually is quite hard work.
Oh, no way! What's matter? Brian.
When you asked me if I wanted work at a table dancing bar, I thought you meant pullin' pints, not gyratin' 'round the beer mats! It could be the makin' of you.
Or the bendin' of you.
Who's gonna wanna watch me dance? Look at me I'm not exactly Ricky Martin's understudy, am I! Don't do yerself down.
Bein' big is very big on the gay scene right now.
Yer bound to get into t'glamour of it, once you get all oiled up.
Brian, let's be frank.
I'd need a reinforced table.
Borrow a metal one from t'butchers.
Oh, very glamorous! Perhaps I could wear a string o' Cumberland sausages as a thong! Or maybe chipolatas? No way, Brian.
I want you to ring up Mr White T-shirt and tell 'im the deal's off.
So, yer just gonna concentrate on yer smack dealin'? I'm not a smack dealer! Right.
I'm only saying that because that's what everybody else is sayin'.
I'm not dealin' smack from this house! OK.
Is that it there? Yes.
I just don't think we should be bringing 'em here, that's all.
Not to our dealer's.
It's a TV documentary about our art and lives, dude.
It's a dark journey into the guts of darkness.
Obviously.
But what if me mum sees it? OK, we've got all the recording studio stuff, we've seen how you fashion a song, how you work at the mixing desk.
So what next? We're gonna score some weed.
I see.
Or we could go paintballin'.
Show off our angry sides.
No.
This is where we should be.
Man came from the stars .
.
that's why he craves the gutter.
I suppose it's like Ying and Yang.
Yeah.
And Yong.
What? Yong.
It's quite difficult to understand.
Oh, Yong.
Yong, yes.
I know about Yong.
D'yer wanna get that? I obey.
Oh.
Hi, hi.
You know the way, lads.
I'm just gonna put down a penguin.
This is the hallway.
Green walls.
That's where I was drowned.
Yup.
Then I was reborn.
Right.
Out of a giant metal egg.
Yep.
All right, Moz? Ah, Dim and Dimmer.
Good timing.
Just skinnin' one up.
D'yer remember me saying Alan Yentob was gonna do a documentary about Silicone Valets? About who? Silicone Valets.
Our band.
Surely he wouldn't be so daft.
We're filming it now.
We've got a camerawoman followin' us around everywhere.
Really? God.
Yer wouldn't catch me appearin' on camera.
What's goin' on? We're filming it now.
What are you doin' in my flat? You can pretend I'm not here.
No, I can't.
Well, could you possibly act as if I wasn't here? Yeah, or you could leave, then I wouldn't have to act.
Hey Moz, can you sell us some weed? No.
We've been through this, I'm not dealin' any weed.
I never have and I never will.
See, I told yer.
Word on the street is you've started sellin' cheap smack.
D'yer think lad-o suspects anything? Who? The electrician.
The Prince of Brightness.
Well, Keith, I may be blind, but I'm a pretty good judge of character.
And if you ask me, that boy seemed razor sharp.
Did he? I thought he was denser than a marzipan mattress.
Right then.
We might have to have him seen to.
Now, you've just disposed of a corpse for me, and that was lovely.
Don't spoil it by doing something dodgy.
A mate o' mine lives over the landing.
Fist.
He's a vicar.
I shared a cell with him in Strangeways.
Lucky break that, cos a man with my film star looks in prison could have come a cropper.
But everyone was so frightened of Fist, I was like pork scratchings at a Bar Mitzvah, untouchable.
I don't want anyone killed on my account.
I'm not a vain woman.
Not kill him.
Fist'll just put the shits up him.
You're a poet, Keith.
Fist's not frightened of anything.
Please, lads.
Yer can't do this to me.
It's all right.
It's like Ying and Yang and Yong.
Yong? Yong's quite difficult to understand.
Oh, shut up! Melvyn Yentob! Ain't he scrummy? Is this about me? It is about me, innit? It's all about me.
How me whole life is like a work of art.
I'm right, aren't I, Melvyn? Yer doin' one of yer Imogens about me.
I don't know who you are.
Ignorance is bliss.
He's doin' me in depth.
He's doin' us both in depth.
I'd do you both in depth.
I just come out wi' stuff like that all t'time, Melvyn.
Are you his pimp? What? No! I'm just an ordinary bloke who until recently were working down at Easy Spud.
Now, Lee, Jason, Mr Yentil, Mrs Cameraman, I'd be most grateful if you'd go the way of all flesh, home.
Hey, Moz, you could throw 'em out.
What? Quite roughly.
It'll make the whole scene much more visceral.
And I could be all screechy goin', "Ooh don't hurt 'em! Two of 'em are gorgeous!" They can throw themselves out! And you can go wi' em.
Because I'm tellin' yer, I'm not doin' owt visceral! Apart from that, the BBC would never deliberately manipulate a situation to create Oh, get away wi' yer! All right, Moz? What's goin' on? Silicone Valets are bein' done in depth.
And Moz is sellin' cheap smack.
Yeah, I heard about that down the fire station.
Look, it's Melvyn Yentob.
Sir, I am arresting you for possession and intent to supply heroin.
Yer kiddin'.
The law doesn't kid, sir.
Even in jest.
I'm not a dealer.
I'm not.
Tell 'em, Brian.
It's true.
He's packed in dealin' weed.
He works as a gay table dancer at Schlongfellows.
I don't! I'm not a gay dancer.
And I'm not a homophobic dancer.
And I'm definitely not a smack dealer.
Is that it there? Yeah.
Are you going to read him his rights? Oh, yeah.
Sir, I must warn you, y'know owt yer say straight in't notebook.
Read out in court.
Used against you.
The whole bit.
This is visceral.
And, yer should be calling for back-up.
Back-up! Back-up! Course.
Brian! Whose side are you on? Sorry.
I'm just naturally helpful.
Back up requested, 23 St Stephen's Road, Salford.
Don't worry, Moz.
This can only be good for the band.
All right, joke's over, everybody out.
All right, mate? Is now not a good time? We're working with the Bradford branch of the Russian mafia.
Is any part of that a problem? It's not that kind of party.
I wanted to make sure you were who I thought you were.
Oh, yeah, so who am I then? You're my dad! I just want to have a normal life.
Please can we go on the run from the cops? It can't do any harm, I suppose.