It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s05e04 Episode Script

[Dennis.]
Hey, come on, man.
Be careful, man.
You're spilling on the floor.
[Dee.]
I don't understand why you don't just use a cup.
I'm trying to be inconspicuous.
Inconspicu Your entire mouth is stained red, Frank.
It is? Yeah.
Aren't we gonna be at the barbecue soon? Yeah.
I'm pregaming, man.
What's going on with you? You're going off the deep end lately.
I feel like he's been wading around in the deep end for a while.
No, bro, it's different.
He's staying out all hours of the night.
I never see him.
If he is around, he's usually not even wearing clothes.
[Mac, Dennis Laughing.]
I'm wearing clothes now, bitch.
You're wearing a shirt that's on inside out and it's covered in grease.
Yeah, you're really greasy.
It's not grease.
It's sap.
- Sap? How did you get covered in sap? - I got really wasted.
- I must've climbed a tree.
- You're really stepping up the insanity, huh? I'm trying to push myself.
I want to see how far I could go.
I feel like you've been standing on the edge of a cliff for a while now.
I say hop off.
Let's see where you land.
I really wish you wouldn't encourage him, man.
I really wish you wouldn't.
If somebody wants to push his boundaries, you gotta let him.
Frank, jump.
I never felt more alive in my life.
Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure.
There's the street, right there.
What the hell? I thought we were going to a barbecue, Frank.
It's more of a party in the park.
We're at a cemetery.
The party is in the cemetery.
- Who has a party in a cemetery? - [Frank.]
Your Uncle Max.
He just croaked.
Flush that turd down the drain! [Chuckles.]
[Bagpipes: "Amazing Grace".]
Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable? Yes.
We're completely underdressed.
It's embarrassing.
What are we doing here, Frank? What's your angle? I wanna bang your Aunt Donna.
Why would you wanna bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband? Hmm.
Well, I don't know how many years on this earth I got left.
I'm gonna get real weird with it.
Meanwhile, block the wind.
I'm gonna roast this bone.
[Dee.]
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
Come on.
Get in there.
[Dennis.]
What are you doing? That is enough.
I've had enough.
He's definitely reached his limit.
I've reached my limit, that's for sure.
Dude, this is what I was talking about in the car.
The guy is going off the deep end, all right? Now it's starting to affect our lives.
Yeah.
And I think maybe we should have an intervention or something.
An intervention might be a good idea.
If he starts banging Aunt Donna, we're gonna have the garbage pail cousin in the mix.
No! No! Whoa.
Who is the garbage pail cousin? Gail the Snail is the garbage pail cousin.
Oh, Charlie, she is the worst.
We'd have these family parties and she'd just glob onto me and Dennis.
We couldn't get rid of her.
The only way was to torture her.
And that's what we did.
Yeah.
We'd throw her in the dryer.
We'd throw salt on her.
Yeah, we'd throw salt on her 'cause she was the snail.
Mm-hmm.
Get it? Get it? You throw salt on a snail, and It shrivels her up.
It's supposed to shrivel up.
Well, that sounds a little messed up though, huh? You don't think we're proud of that, do you? No.
But you don't understand.
That's the only way you can handle her.
She made us do those things.
And quite frankly, I resent her for it.
What kind of a person salts another human being? It's terrible.
There's no joy in salting someone.
Everyone loses.
Yeah.
It sounds like a- What's up, suckers? Hey, Gail.
Hey, Gail.
You look different.
I'm more confident.
I've grown into my body.
You're sure showing a lot of skin, huh? Jealous? I'm a woman now.
I'm not a virgin anymore.
Cool.
Thank you.
Okay.
[Slurps.]
Hey, guys, you wanna come to my car and take a puff? I got some medical marijuana.
[Slurps.]
- We're at your dad's funeral, Gail.
- What evs.
I'm over it.
Plus, if we all showed up super high at the reception, everyone would be like, "What?" [Slurps.]
Uh- Uh- Okay.
Come on.
Whatever, Gail.
Yes, we'll do that.
Wait in the car and we'll join you.
We'll come get you.
- You guys gonna come? - We'll come in a second.
- Like five minutes? - Five minutes.
- Anything.
Yes.
Anything.
Whatever you say.
[Growls.]
See, this is what happens when you don't have salt.
My God.
There's not enough salt in the world for her.
The garbage pail cousin.
Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
Hello, Frank.
You surprised to see me? No.
Ooh.
You left several voice mails congratulating me on my husband's death.
Well, I was pretty baked.
What do you want? I have a proposition for you.
I think you and me ought to bang.
What? Okay.
Hear me out.
Max never liked me.
I hated him.
Barbara didn't like you.
You despised her.
Now, what better way to get back at them in the grave, really stick it to 'em, if you and me plowed? I mean, really- [Grinds Teeth.]
Hmm? You get back to me.
Hey.
I'm Mac.
[Sighs.]
Barbara's ex-lover.
She may have mentioned You were gonna say something? No.
[Lips Smack.]
You said- No? No.
I was just breathing.
I'll start by commending you guys for taking the initiative to help Frank.
Ah, we're caring people.
That's our nature.
Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now? Ooh.
Ah, he is trying to bang our aunt.
That's the big one.
Uh, these things deal more with drug and alcohol abuse.
[Dee.]
Mm-hmm.
Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here Oh, yeah.
With the aunt thing.
So he does have a drinking problem.
Oh, big time.
Big time.
Oh, lady.
But if I'm being honest, my problem's less with the fact that he's drinking and more that he's doing it without me.
And then I start thinking, "What's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?" Oh, no.
Don't do that to yourself.
You're plenty of fun to drink with.
Trust me, Charlie.
You get really, really drunk.
Oh, yeah.
And then you get reckless, and it's a lot of fun.
So how do we go about doing this? Do we ambush him and then sort of like berate him into becoming the guy we wanna be around? You certainly don't berate him.
He needs to know you're coming from a place of love and concern.
Mm-mmm.
Too soft.
I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
Right, right.
If we're taking that approach, you might wanna be armed at this intervention.
Mm-hmm.
Why- Why would I need to be armed? Well, Frank's usually carrying a little gun with him.
- And he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
- [Dennis.]
And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock when he comes in.
- We'll all have guns.
- It's just safer.
She could put it in her pants.
If we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist belt.
You wanna bring him in in a net? - [Dennis.]
That could get awkward.
- Just bring the gun.
Bring a gun.
I don't wanna get shot, so just bring a gun, will you? You know, I do offer group therapy.
Yeah.
What are you doing? What is this you're doing? What is that? What is that? With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Yeah.
You put wine in the soda can? You didn't know, did you? That's good.
Soda.
You stole Frank's idea.
Actually, it's a pretty good one.
It's a good idea.
The guy's got great ideas.
He's a smart man.
That's not what we're here about.
- But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
- Did you intervene on us? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here.
And we're the ones that are running things now.
I've lost my trust in you.
- We can do this on our own.
- We can do the intervention without her.
You guys think? Why not? All right.
Might as well give it a shot.
Let's just do that.
[Dee.]
Thank you.
Thanks for your help.
You did your best.
After you.
No hard feelings.
I'm gonna grab some of this literature.
She didn't do that great of a job.
No, but don't beat her while she's down.
[Chuckles, Gurgling.]
[Gurgling Continues.]
Frank, here's another idea.
Oh! Oh! Where'd you come from? I've been walking next to you the entire time.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little, uh, lit.
And, uh, I've been going over this thing.
I'm trying to figure out how- How to bang Donna.
I know.
You've been talking about it for the last five miles.
Dude, it doesn't matter.
I got a better idea.
I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
My niece? Yeah.
Gail the Snail? Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? Plus, you're not blood related, so it's not that weird.
[Belches.]
That is a good idea.
I like the way you're thinking.
[Belching.]
Ew! What's in it for you? Huh? [Belching.]
Oh! Jesus! What's in it for you? Don't worry about what's in it for me, dude.
[Belches.]
Good God! You are disgusting.
A disgusting animal.
[Belches, Gurgling.]
Mm.
Charlie.
Let's write him a letter.
Let's write Frank a letter.
That's the first step in any intervention, right? Huh.
Yeah.
Great.
All right.
So I'm assuming you'll have to dictate yours to me, and then I'll just write it down for you, yeah? Yes, that'll be fine.
Okay, great.
Let's- Let's do that.
Okay, uh, I guess my letter would be about how Frank and I aren't really making memories together anymore, and how when we don't make memories together, that's a hurtful thing for me.
Okay.
Uh, you know, let's just dive right in.
I'm not even gonna try and suss out where you're going with that one.
Right.
Um, number one when was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank? Oh.
Oh, okay.
What is that? Well, it's not about you.
Why don't you just write it down, and then Yeah, but you said it.
You said "Night Crawlers," and now I feel like I can't move past it.
I gotta know what that is.
It's- It's no big deal.
You know? I If I were you, I'd just write it down because it's not really a big deal.
What is it? It's what it sounds like.
What it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms in the night.
That's what it sounds like.
[Smacks Lips.]
This is not about you, so I'd like for you - [Metal Banging.]
- Damn! Shut up! Guess what! What? We got you! What do you guys think? I thought when Frank comes in, we'll just bang and make a bunch of noise.
Oh, yeah.
Ha! We've got you! All right.
But the pain is a little agitating.
That's overboard, I think.
- [Dee.]
It's too much? - I think that's too far.
The yelling and pointing and accusing and saying that he's trapped and surrounded is probably gonna be- That's gonna be great.
By the way, you guys, can I just say, as a side note, I am loving this canned wine thing.
I think it's brilliant.
Right? I'm active.
I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't feel restricted.
If I was holding a wine glass, I'd be spilling wine all over the goddamn place.
It would get everywhere.
We're not intervening on Frank for a lack of good ideas.
Well, that's for sure.
Oh, no.
Well, guys, maybe we're not doing the right thing.
You're talking a lot about wine.
You got it all over your lips and teeth.
Maybe we need the help of a professional.
We should probably get that lady back.
What are you talking about? We're coming up with all kinds of good ideas.
We're flowing here.
I feel like we got some good stuff.
I just feel like- Maybe we should consult with the pamphlets, right? The pamphlets I grabbed from the office.
Oh, okay.
Well, I've been meaning to bring that up.
I took a lot at those pamphlets that you grabbed, and not a single one of them has anything to do with intervention.
It's not even close.
I'm starting to think we need to intervene on you for your goddamn illiteracy.
Yeah, Charlie, you are getting real dumb.
Come on.
All right.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
Illiteracy.
What does that word even mean? Come on.
I'm gonna get the lady, 'cause this is gettin' crazy.
We need help.
I'm gettin' the lady.
[Sizzling.]
[Humming.]
- Whoa.
- How you doin', Frank? What the hell are you doing here? Frank, my plan is finally coming together.
With you out of the picture, I can swoop in on Donna.
Is that why you pushed me off onto the Snail? Yeah, that's right, bitch.
But that's what you wanted anyway, right? You wanted to be as depraved as possible.
Yeah.
But I think the Snail is too depraved even for me.
This broad is berserk.
[Gail.]
Wake and bake.
You guys bang? Oh, no.
We did a bunch of those Monster Energy drinks and dry humped.
It was awful.
I think she gave me poison ivy.
[Grunts.]
Hey, hey there, sleepyhead.
I made you breakfast.
I hope you like it crispy 'cause it is burned.
What is going on in here? How did you get in my house? Did you kick in my door? Kick, yes.
Kick in, no.
That door is solid, which is the good news.
The bad news is the window is not.
That's gonna be a security concern.
But don't worry.
I'm gonna fix it, make sure it's up to snuff.
You're always safe when you're with me.
Are you ready for your breakfast? I'm sorry.
What is happening here? I haven't any idea, honestly.
I'm giving Frank a handy under the table.
[Groans.]
That is true.
Look, Snail- Back off.
Because you're just mashing it now.
It's not For God sakes, Gail.
Mom, I'm sexually active now.
Get over it.
You're 33 years old.
You're supposed to be sexually active.
You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under a table.
We're not blood related.
Will you just please leave her alone? I'll make a deal with you.
I dump the Snail if you and I go out.
Frank, you can't do that.
Donna's my girl.
I called her first at the funeral.
Fair is fair.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
I will never be with either of you.
Why are you doing this to me? Why can't you just let me be happy? I want everybody out of my house.
Jesus Christ.
Out of my house! Okay! - Fine.
- Not you.
You live here, Gail.
I hate it here.
I'm leaving.
I'm going with this guy.
He's my boyfriend.
- I'm taking some eggs.
- I am not your boyfriend.
Frank, what is with this chick? She's berserk.
Oh, okay.
I get it.
So Frank sits there, and we put stools in a semicircle.
You wanna make sure there's a border all around him so there's no going anywhere.
And zing him from every angle.
Yep.
Okay.
- That makes sense.
- There she is! Hey! Hey! Thank you for coming! - [Laughs.]
- We really appreciate this.
We really appreciate it.
Well, I'm here because clearly your friend is in desperate need of help.
[All.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Well, we realize we also just need as many people attacking this guy as we can possibly get.
Mm-hmm.
Well, not attacking.
This is why I'm glad you called me back.
Yeah, okay, listen.
Before we get into that, could you help us pop a quick intervention on Charlie for his illiteracy? The kid can't read or write.
Not a bit.
- [Laughing.]
- No joke.
It's no joke.
They've been riding me all day.
I can read and write.
I just don't like to read and write.
Let's try and stay focused on Frank.
That's a good point.
He's gonna be here any second.
We told him there was a giant grease fire - and he had to come down immediately.
- [Charlie, Dennis Chuckling.]
Uh-oh.
She's- I'm assuming you wouldn't have lured him down with a fire.
Is that what your face is doing right now? Yeah.
Um, and I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar either.
[Laughing.]
Well, lady, look, all mistakes we've made on our own, so it's good that you're here.
We're doing our best.
We're doing our best.
Where's the goddamn fire? [Gun Cocks.]
Intervention! Intervention! Ah, intervention! Intervention! I got it! I got it! You're surrounded, Frank! There's nowhere for you to go.
You're trapped.
You're trapped.
[All Chanting.]
You're trapped! You're trapped! Got you! Got you! You're trapped! - That's enough! That's enough! - We told you there was gonna be a gun.
What the hell's going on? Got you, man! Sit down! You sit down so we can tell you what an asshole you've been.
We're gonna get all in your face and point out your faults.
A roast? I've always wanted to be roasted.
Oh, wait.
Let me just switch gears here fire up this spliff.
No, no, no, no.
Wait.
Frank, hold on.
Um, everyone's here today because they care about you and they want you to get well.
She ain't funny.
Next.
Frank, you're an asshole.
Ah! That's it.
- Now rain down on me.
Come on.
- You're a prick! And your addiction has affected us in the following ways.
You are annoying! Dennis, come on! Give it to me with both barrels! Why do we never play Night Crawlers anymore, huh? I don't know, Charlie.
What is Night Crawlers? It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
I never said that.
Yeah, well, that's what it is.
Intervention! Intervention! Is nothing private, Frank? Jesus! Look, I like that game.
I don't wanna stop playing it.
Well, Charlie, we can play that game.
You promise? Yeah.
Whoo! Ahh! Yeah.
Stop touching me.
[Speaks, Indistinct.]
- [Mac.]
Just stop.
- [Dee.]
Whoa! What's this? Me and Mac are together.
No! No! No! Intervention! Intervention! Intervention! What are you interventioning me for? Because you can't be banging Gail the Snail.
I'm not banging Gail the Snail.
She followed me home.
[Slurps.]
Oh! She was doing that the whole time.
[Dee.]
Yeah, she does that.
Swallow it or spit it out.
No, don't! Oh, my God.
See? Intervention! Hey, babe, I'll get you a drink from the bar.
Great.
My God.
What are you doing, Mac? I was just going over to her house to try and bang Donna because she reminds me so much of your mom, which is the best sex I ever had.
- [Groans.]
- Intervention.
Intervention.
[Mac.]
Huh? You banged my dead wife? Well, she was alive at the time.
- But- Did you not know that? - No.
It's cool, man.
It's cool.
Intervention.
Intervention.
Okay? Look, he's got a weird fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
I don't have an older-woman fetish.
Yeah, you do.
I don't wanna bang this chick.
Let's cool it with the intervention stuff for a second 'cause there's a lot of 'em being thrown around right now, and I'm having a little bit of trouble keeping track.
The most important intervention is the one we need to do on Gail the Snail and getting her out of our lives.
Guys, let's do shots and get crazy.
No, Gail.
No.
We're intervening on you, Snail.
Go.
Get out of here.
Yeah, right.
How is she not getting this? She's stonewalling us.
It is a classic Snail technique.
Classic.
Ya! Get out of here, Snail! [Dennis.]
He's got the salt! Salt the Snail! Ya, ya, ya! Go, Snail! Ya, ya, ya! Ya! Ya! Hey, guys! Guys, guys! I was gonna invite you guys all to a rave to hang out, but now I don't wanna hang out with you anymore.
Oh, my God.
Salt the Snail.
Just salt her.
Wait, wait! Do you guys wanna go? No, no! We don't wanna go! Wait! I have glow sticks.
Salt the Snail! [All Shouting.]
[Dee.]
The whole thing! - Ya, ya, ya! - What is with that broad? She is the worst, right? That's what we've been saying.
Oh, my God.
That was a terrible experience for me by the way.
Of course it was.
Nobody likes salting the Snail, but she gives you no choice.
- She doesn't leave you with any options.
- What a horrible thing.
I'm all worked up now.
I feel bad.
I feel like maybe I should have some more wine in a can.
I'll get you one.
I can use some canned wine to calm down a little bit.
Oh, you guys are drinking wine out of those cans? Oh, you guys are drinking wine out of those cans? Hell, yeah, baby.
Hell, yeah.
Can I have one? Yes, and you will notice the advantages almost immediately.
Here.
Try this.
I feel like drinking wine out of a can is conducive to my violent hand gestures when I speak.
You tend to be very emphatic and strong and- There's no spillage.
Say I wanna give one to Frank.
You didn't get any on me.
I spilled a little.
You wanna point accusatorily, but But it really boosts your mobility.
Excuse me.
Excuse- Excuse me.
People, I- I'm sorry, but how do you guys wanna proceed from here? Because I'm a little confused.
Ohh! Did you wanna- Right.
Okay.
Um- Well, I guess we kind of got what we needed out of the intervention.
Yeah.
Right? So good job.
Was it? Did she? We did all the work, didn't we? So we can't really pay you 'cause of that.
I know we said we would, but we won't.
Yeah.
Um, how about a can of wine? [Dennis.]
Oh.
[Scoffs.]
No.
Oh.
All right.
Well Okay, well, on your way.
Adios.
On your way then.
Take your jacket.
Get out of here.
Take that shoulder-padded jacket and get the hell out.
Thanks for stopping by.
Don't expect a check in the mail.
Hey! Up top! Up top, everybody! [Dee.]
Great intervention! Great intervention! Great intervention work! [Voices Speaking Backwards.]