Key and Peele (2012) s05e04 Episode Script
Severed Head Showcase
Hey, I just got a text from Charles, y'all.
He got on the wrong bus.
He's on the other side of town.
Other side of town? But our concert is in an hour.
Yeah, I know, but he wants us to warm up and rehearse Praise to the Lord.
Charles said that? - In text.
- Okay, okay.
Well, if that's what Charles said Yeah, that's okay.
We got this.
Ooh, we can do this - Come on, y'all.
- All right, all right.
Ooh, five, six, seven, eight We lift up to the Lord We give praise up to the Lord We sing merrily up to the Lord Give thanks up to the Lord We lift up to the Lord We give praise up to the Lord We sing merrily up to the Lord Give thanks up to the Lord I think you're off of your note You're going higher than your note Pretty sure this is my note In fact, I'm positive this is my note Because this is my note Pretty sure this is my note Could have sworn this was your note That has never been my note Well, we can't have the same note So one of us is wrong Why don't you worry about your note? I'll take care of my own note But it's a really, really, really bad note You are not Charles I never said that I was Charles Well, you're acting like you think you're Charles Look, I know that I'm not Charles You can say that again Well, you're both off your notes And it's messing with the rest of our notes Speak for yourself, Nyema, I'm holding my note I wasn't trying to single you out You said everyone was off their notes Not everything is about you, Gina! Huh.
Kiss my black ass! Oh, dear Lord Where is Charles? - This don't make no sense.
- Come on, man.
Crazy crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you Well, that was a good one.
You gotta release the Africa.
Yeah, you just got to get those short bursts of song, so you can run away before motherfuckers are trying to genocide your shit.
- Hmm, that's why - That's when you get those Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the guy that Did not make it out.
That's, like, Swahili for "Get me out.
I'm hit!" - "Where'd y'all motherfuckers go?" - Yeah.
You know what I'm talking about? Ha! Ahhh! Oh, no.
Uh Oh.
Uh Huh? Ha.
Ah! Uh Hmm.
Ha! Uh-uh.
Ah.
Ha.
Uh Ah! Ah.
Ah! Ah! Oh.
Jordan, would you say I'm gullible? Mmm - No.
- I feel sometimes like I'm gullible.
So you believed me when I said that you weren't gullible, just now.
- Oh, darn it.
Okay.
- See what happened? Wait a minute, so then, what else is not true that you told me? Are you not Danny Glover's son? No, would I be able to talk like this if I wasn't Danny Glover's son? That's a really good point.
You wouldn't be able to talk like that if you weren't Danny Glover's son.
I can't help talking like this.
Hey, man.
You gotta let me out of here.
Oh, okay.
You tricked me.
I can honestly say I wasn't trying to trick you.
You weren't? All I said was, "You gotta let me outta here.
" There's no trick.
So I do have to let you out of here? - Yes? - Okay.
Bon voyage.
Order's to let him go, I don't know why he's in here in the first place.
I don't know.
Sorry.
Boy, you really got me in trouble.
Sorry.
Yeah, you must think I'm stupid.
Well, I'm not stupid.
I'm smart.
So, you know.
You know how you could prove that you're really smart? Oh, yeah, let me guess.
You want me to let you out of here again.
- Well - You know what? You think that you can trick me into letting you out again.
Well, you can't.
'Cause this is my choice.
- Get the heck out of here.
- All right.
All right? Reverse psychology.
I am sorry about that, guys.
That was me, guys, my bad.
My bad.
Real nice.
Now they said they're gonna dock my pay, and if I let you out of here again, I'm gonna be severely punished.
I mean, what are you gonna do? I'm actually surprised they haven't already thrown you in here with me.
No, prison is for bad guys.
You're a bad guy, and I'm a good guy.
Yeah, but you could see how, from my perspective, I'm a good guy.
Wait, you're a good guy? Oh, my gosh.
It doesn't seem like you understand what your job is.
Oh, oh, okay.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to manipulate me with reverse psychology.
- Well, it's not gonna work.
- No, no.
It's not even worth going out there again.
Look, they just gon' get me and bring me back in here, just like they always do.
- Unless - What? No, I'm Forget it, I don't wanna take advantage of you anymore.
Look, look, hey, no, listen.
I'm not gonna fall for it, whatever it is.
You may as well just tell me.
I was just gonna say that, like, if you were to help me Uh-huh? - Get past the guards - Yeah, yeah.
- And get all the way out - Okay - I really No, I have to tell you.
- Okay.
You need to think about this - long and hard.
- Mmm-hmm.
Weigh your options and consider the ramifications of those options.
Like heck I will.
- Let's go.
- All right.
I'm busting you outta here! Don't yell, man.
You might as well ring the alarm.
- Good idea, yeah.
- No Look, look, he Ah! - Oh, hi, Tom.
- It was Good to see you guys.
Yeah.
Oh, boy, I did it again, didn't I? ironic, 'cause when I was a prison guard, when I was a prison guard, I wasn't allowed to talk to the prisoners.
That was the thing, they said to me, "If you talk to those prisoners, you're gonna get in trouble.
"You're gonna get in trouble.
" Now that I'm in here with you, I can talk as much as I want.
Just babble on, and babble on and babble on, we can talk about anything you want.
Any Any Teaching Center is brought to you by The ultimate driving machine.
Hello and welcome to Teaching Center.
I'm Boyd Maxwell, with today's top stories from the exciting world of teaching.
And I'm Perry Schmidt.
Well, now we know.
The long-awaited announcement by star English teacher, Ruby Ruhf, has sent teaching fans across the nation into a frenzy.
I've enjoyed my time in Ohio very much.
But I'm pleased to announce that I'm taking my talents back to New York City.
Thank you very much.
Apparently, PS431 has made Ruby an offer she couldn't refuse.
$80 million guaranteed over six years, with another $40 million in incentives based on test scores.
This salary puts her right up there with Rockridge Elementary's Katie Hope and William Wu - out of - Colgate magnet! All right, let's take a look at yesterday's high school teacher draft from Radio City Music Hall, where Central Rapids High, recipient of the worst test scores last semester, made the first pick that was no surprise to anyone.
For the first pick, Central Rapids High takes calculus teacher Mike Yoast from Tulsa Teacher's College.
And just like that, you're a millionaire.
Mike Yoast is an unbelievable story.
His father living from paycheck to paycheck as a humble pro football player.
Kid was a natural mathlete.
You know he's gonna buy his mom a house.
- Oh, you know this.
- Oh, there's no way around that.
You owe your mom.
Today's Highlight of the Day is brought to you by the 100% black Angus beef thick burger on a fresh-baked bun from Carl's Jr.
And Hardee's.
Now it's time for the Highlight of the Day.
Star history teacher Ashley Ferguson has been running up them test scores over at Vinz Clortho High.
- Okay.
- Whoo.
Confederate forces fired first.
Can anyone tell me where this battle took place? Now, look at this.
She looks left, then right.
Looks past the students with their arms up in the air.
- Spots Max near the back.
- Whoo.
Sees that even though his hand isn't up, he's engaged.
- Max? - It was Fort Sumter? That's right.
Oh, come on.
See what she did there? She's bringing an introvert into the discussion, y'all.
That's a Teacher of the Year play, right there.
That's right, Boyd.
You know, the confidence gained by Max by answering that question correctly will enhance his performance throughout the rest of the year.
No doubt.
Coming up after the break, Mayfield Prep trades French teacher Janeane Lowe to Skyline High for a head librarian and two lunch ladies to be named later.
And we'll get the inside scoop on the impending - teacher's strike that could - Uh-oh.
Cripple the season.
Next up, on Teaching Center.
Whoo.
Strength courses through me.
I am velocity.
I am power.
I am a leader.
A believer.
I am the force that guides.
I am the gateway to what is possible.
The path to the future.
I am the future.
The all-new Meet the new teacher's pet.
You know what? I'm not gonna be doing no commercials.
- None? - I'm not gonna sell my shit out.
I'm gonna keep my integrity.
That's good, 'cause that way, you don't have to ever worry about buying a car or anything like that.
But what, just for argument's sake, what kind of figures are people getting these days? Well, like, if it was a Sam You know, maybe Samsung or something, you might make $750,000, or something like that.
- 750 - Yeah, yeah.
- Thousand.
- I mean, you'd have to give up - your phone.
Your iPhone.
- I'm in.
- What? - I'm in.
I don't think there's an offer on the table, or anything Let's find one.
Well, what about your, um, artistic integrity? $750,000.
Fuck, 750 Five hundred.
- What would you - Two fifty.
- Take it easy.
Now, wait a second.
- We'll do it together.
Okay, yeah, but we wouldn't just do a commercial for anybody, now.
We wouldn't do it for anybody.
- I mean, if, you know - If they got $100,000, I am.
Okay, let's say that the Ku Klux Klan came for us to do a commercial.
For $100,000? Well, shit, they're giving back to the black community.
At that point, me.
- Best comic book adaptation - Oh, yeah.
to film, hands down.
- It's, oh, yeah.
- No argument.
- Oh, yeah.
See you later, girls.
- All right.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't really like the Christopher Nolan Batman movies.
I don't.
I really just feel like they're Overrated.
Okay.
Well, that's, um, that's just an opinion.
You see, that's why I prefaced it by saying, "I know I'm in the minority.
" Awkward.
You know, what? No.
No.
Not really.
It's not awkward.
At least not until you said "awkward.
" Now it's awkward, because of what you said.
Anyway Anyway, what? Anyway, what? Really, 'cause when you say "anyway," then you have to follow it up with an actual contribution to the conversation we're having.
- Yikes.
- No, look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
There's no "yikes," and the reason why there's no "yikes", is 'cause there's nothing scary about this situation, okay? It's a very low-stakes situation.
- All right.
- No, not "all right.
" Come here, no.
Don't look at him.
Don't look at either of those guys.
Look at me, all right? "All right," what? 'Cause after you say "all right," you have to follow that up with something.
Don't do it.
Don't look at them.
Do not look at them.
No, no.
Do not look at them.
Do not look at them.
Don't do it - Tell us how you really feel.
- Okay, you know what? I'll tell you how I really feel.
Listen, I really feel like you're an asshole who has nothing interesting to say.
So what Oh, no.
Don't.
No, don't look at them.
Come here.
Turn it.
Right here.
Tell me an opinion that you have about something.
Just one opinion that you have about anything at all.
Just share an opinion.
Anything.
Share an opinion.
Share an opinion.
Share an opinion.
Share an opinion right now.
Just off the top of your head.
Share an opinion.
Anything.
Just one opinion, that's all I'm asking.
Share one opinion right now! Share it.
Share an opinion.
I don't have an opinion, and that's why I just like everything that everyone else likes in pop culture.
Don't look at me.
Don't look at me! Don't look at me! Okay.
Can you recall the last place you felt out of place? I feel a little out of place everywhere, to be honest.
Mmm, that's the mark of a genius.
I Can't say I disagree with you.
But These equations happening in my head - Oh boy.
What have I done? - These Ideas, nay, concepts Ya, ya? You can just use English when you're talking to me, man.
Okay, listen to me.
I'm just saying, all I did was enhanced it a bit.
He got on the wrong bus.
He's on the other side of town.
Other side of town? But our concert is in an hour.
Yeah, I know, but he wants us to warm up and rehearse Praise to the Lord.
Charles said that? - In text.
- Okay, okay.
Well, if that's what Charles said Yeah, that's okay.
We got this.
Ooh, we can do this - Come on, y'all.
- All right, all right.
Ooh, five, six, seven, eight We lift up to the Lord We give praise up to the Lord We sing merrily up to the Lord Give thanks up to the Lord We lift up to the Lord We give praise up to the Lord We sing merrily up to the Lord Give thanks up to the Lord I think you're off of your note You're going higher than your note Pretty sure this is my note In fact, I'm positive this is my note Because this is my note Pretty sure this is my note Could have sworn this was your note That has never been my note Well, we can't have the same note So one of us is wrong Why don't you worry about your note? I'll take care of my own note But it's a really, really, really bad note You are not Charles I never said that I was Charles Well, you're acting like you think you're Charles Look, I know that I'm not Charles You can say that again Well, you're both off your notes And it's messing with the rest of our notes Speak for yourself, Nyema, I'm holding my note I wasn't trying to single you out You said everyone was off their notes Not everything is about you, Gina! Huh.
Kiss my black ass! Oh, dear Lord Where is Charles? - This don't make no sense.
- Come on, man.
Crazy crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you Well, that was a good one.
You gotta release the Africa.
Yeah, you just got to get those short bursts of song, so you can run away before motherfuckers are trying to genocide your shit.
- Hmm, that's why - That's when you get those Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the guy that Did not make it out.
That's, like, Swahili for "Get me out.
I'm hit!" - "Where'd y'all motherfuckers go?" - Yeah.
You know what I'm talking about? Ha! Ahhh! Oh, no.
Uh Oh.
Uh Huh? Ha.
Ah! Uh Hmm.
Ha! Uh-uh.
Ah.
Ha.
Uh Ah! Ah.
Ah! Ah! Oh.
Jordan, would you say I'm gullible? Mmm - No.
- I feel sometimes like I'm gullible.
So you believed me when I said that you weren't gullible, just now.
- Oh, darn it.
Okay.
- See what happened? Wait a minute, so then, what else is not true that you told me? Are you not Danny Glover's son? No, would I be able to talk like this if I wasn't Danny Glover's son? That's a really good point.
You wouldn't be able to talk like that if you weren't Danny Glover's son.
I can't help talking like this.
Hey, man.
You gotta let me out of here.
Oh, okay.
You tricked me.
I can honestly say I wasn't trying to trick you.
You weren't? All I said was, "You gotta let me outta here.
" There's no trick.
So I do have to let you out of here? - Yes? - Okay.
Bon voyage.
Order's to let him go, I don't know why he's in here in the first place.
I don't know.
Sorry.
Boy, you really got me in trouble.
Sorry.
Yeah, you must think I'm stupid.
Well, I'm not stupid.
I'm smart.
So, you know.
You know how you could prove that you're really smart? Oh, yeah, let me guess.
You want me to let you out of here again.
- Well - You know what? You think that you can trick me into letting you out again.
Well, you can't.
'Cause this is my choice.
- Get the heck out of here.
- All right.
All right? Reverse psychology.
I am sorry about that, guys.
That was me, guys, my bad.
My bad.
Real nice.
Now they said they're gonna dock my pay, and if I let you out of here again, I'm gonna be severely punished.
I mean, what are you gonna do? I'm actually surprised they haven't already thrown you in here with me.
No, prison is for bad guys.
You're a bad guy, and I'm a good guy.
Yeah, but you could see how, from my perspective, I'm a good guy.
Wait, you're a good guy? Oh, my gosh.
It doesn't seem like you understand what your job is.
Oh, oh, okay.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to manipulate me with reverse psychology.
- Well, it's not gonna work.
- No, no.
It's not even worth going out there again.
Look, they just gon' get me and bring me back in here, just like they always do.
- Unless - What? No, I'm Forget it, I don't wanna take advantage of you anymore.
Look, look, hey, no, listen.
I'm not gonna fall for it, whatever it is.
You may as well just tell me.
I was just gonna say that, like, if you were to help me Uh-huh? - Get past the guards - Yeah, yeah.
- And get all the way out - Okay - I really No, I have to tell you.
- Okay.
You need to think about this - long and hard.
- Mmm-hmm.
Weigh your options and consider the ramifications of those options.
Like heck I will.
- Let's go.
- All right.
I'm busting you outta here! Don't yell, man.
You might as well ring the alarm.
- Good idea, yeah.
- No Look, look, he Ah! - Oh, hi, Tom.
- It was Good to see you guys.
Yeah.
Oh, boy, I did it again, didn't I? ironic, 'cause when I was a prison guard, when I was a prison guard, I wasn't allowed to talk to the prisoners.
That was the thing, they said to me, "If you talk to those prisoners, you're gonna get in trouble.
"You're gonna get in trouble.
" Now that I'm in here with you, I can talk as much as I want.
Just babble on, and babble on and babble on, we can talk about anything you want.
Any Any Teaching Center is brought to you by The ultimate driving machine.
Hello and welcome to Teaching Center.
I'm Boyd Maxwell, with today's top stories from the exciting world of teaching.
And I'm Perry Schmidt.
Well, now we know.
The long-awaited announcement by star English teacher, Ruby Ruhf, has sent teaching fans across the nation into a frenzy.
I've enjoyed my time in Ohio very much.
But I'm pleased to announce that I'm taking my talents back to New York City.
Thank you very much.
Apparently, PS431 has made Ruby an offer she couldn't refuse.
$80 million guaranteed over six years, with another $40 million in incentives based on test scores.
This salary puts her right up there with Rockridge Elementary's Katie Hope and William Wu - out of - Colgate magnet! All right, let's take a look at yesterday's high school teacher draft from Radio City Music Hall, where Central Rapids High, recipient of the worst test scores last semester, made the first pick that was no surprise to anyone.
For the first pick, Central Rapids High takes calculus teacher Mike Yoast from Tulsa Teacher's College.
And just like that, you're a millionaire.
Mike Yoast is an unbelievable story.
His father living from paycheck to paycheck as a humble pro football player.
Kid was a natural mathlete.
You know he's gonna buy his mom a house.
- Oh, you know this.
- Oh, there's no way around that.
You owe your mom.
Today's Highlight of the Day is brought to you by the 100% black Angus beef thick burger on a fresh-baked bun from Carl's Jr.
And Hardee's.
Now it's time for the Highlight of the Day.
Star history teacher Ashley Ferguson has been running up them test scores over at Vinz Clortho High.
- Okay.
- Whoo.
Confederate forces fired first.
Can anyone tell me where this battle took place? Now, look at this.
She looks left, then right.
Looks past the students with their arms up in the air.
- Spots Max near the back.
- Whoo.
Sees that even though his hand isn't up, he's engaged.
- Max? - It was Fort Sumter? That's right.
Oh, come on.
See what she did there? She's bringing an introvert into the discussion, y'all.
That's a Teacher of the Year play, right there.
That's right, Boyd.
You know, the confidence gained by Max by answering that question correctly will enhance his performance throughout the rest of the year.
No doubt.
Coming up after the break, Mayfield Prep trades French teacher Janeane Lowe to Skyline High for a head librarian and two lunch ladies to be named later.
And we'll get the inside scoop on the impending - teacher's strike that could - Uh-oh.
Cripple the season.
Next up, on Teaching Center.
Whoo.
Strength courses through me.
I am velocity.
I am power.
I am a leader.
A believer.
I am the force that guides.
I am the gateway to what is possible.
The path to the future.
I am the future.
The all-new Meet the new teacher's pet.
You know what? I'm not gonna be doing no commercials.
- None? - I'm not gonna sell my shit out.
I'm gonna keep my integrity.
That's good, 'cause that way, you don't have to ever worry about buying a car or anything like that.
But what, just for argument's sake, what kind of figures are people getting these days? Well, like, if it was a Sam You know, maybe Samsung or something, you might make $750,000, or something like that.
- 750 - Yeah, yeah.
- Thousand.
- I mean, you'd have to give up - your phone.
Your iPhone.
- I'm in.
- What? - I'm in.
I don't think there's an offer on the table, or anything Let's find one.
Well, what about your, um, artistic integrity? $750,000.
Fuck, 750 Five hundred.
- What would you - Two fifty.
- Take it easy.
Now, wait a second.
- We'll do it together.
Okay, yeah, but we wouldn't just do a commercial for anybody, now.
We wouldn't do it for anybody.
- I mean, if, you know - If they got $100,000, I am.
Okay, let's say that the Ku Klux Klan came for us to do a commercial.
For $100,000? Well, shit, they're giving back to the black community.
At that point, me.
- Best comic book adaptation - Oh, yeah.
to film, hands down.
- It's, oh, yeah.
- No argument.
- Oh, yeah.
See you later, girls.
- All right.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't really like the Christopher Nolan Batman movies.
I don't.
I really just feel like they're Overrated.
Okay.
Well, that's, um, that's just an opinion.
You see, that's why I prefaced it by saying, "I know I'm in the minority.
" Awkward.
You know, what? No.
No.
Not really.
It's not awkward.
At least not until you said "awkward.
" Now it's awkward, because of what you said.
Anyway Anyway, what? Anyway, what? Really, 'cause when you say "anyway," then you have to follow it up with an actual contribution to the conversation we're having.
- Yikes.
- No, look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
There's no "yikes," and the reason why there's no "yikes", is 'cause there's nothing scary about this situation, okay? It's a very low-stakes situation.
- All right.
- No, not "all right.
" Come here, no.
Don't look at him.
Don't look at either of those guys.
Look at me, all right? "All right," what? 'Cause after you say "all right," you have to follow that up with something.
Don't do it.
Don't look at them.
Do not look at them.
No, no.
Do not look at them.
Do not look at them.
Don't do it - Tell us how you really feel.
- Okay, you know what? I'll tell you how I really feel.
Listen, I really feel like you're an asshole who has nothing interesting to say.
So what Oh, no.
Don't.
No, don't look at them.
Come here.
Turn it.
Right here.
Tell me an opinion that you have about something.
Just one opinion that you have about anything at all.
Just share an opinion.
Anything.
Share an opinion.
Share an opinion.
Share an opinion.
Share an opinion right now.
Just off the top of your head.
Share an opinion.
Anything.
Just one opinion, that's all I'm asking.
Share one opinion right now! Share it.
Share an opinion.
I don't have an opinion, and that's why I just like everything that everyone else likes in pop culture.
Don't look at me.
Don't look at me! Don't look at me! Okay.
Can you recall the last place you felt out of place? I feel a little out of place everywhere, to be honest.
Mmm, that's the mark of a genius.
I Can't say I disagree with you.
But These equations happening in my head - Oh boy.
What have I done? - These Ideas, nay, concepts Ya, ya? You can just use English when you're talking to me, man.
Okay, listen to me.
I'm just saying, all I did was enhanced it a bit.