Last Man Standing s05e04 Episode Script

Uh, hey, Mike, there's something blocking the door.
Yeah, some idiot left those in my garage.
These are all my boxes.
Oh.
Look, if I don't recycle a milk jug, you have a stroke, but you don't mind using my garage as your personal landfill.
Yeah, well, Kristin and I don't have the extra space.
Sure you do out behind your apartment building.
It's called a dumpster.
Hey, look.
My ukulele.
Yeah.
Great.
Why don't you give me a little Jimmy Hendrix? Never learned to play.
No, I mean light it on fire.
You can't make fun of my leather crafting, because this is some quality work.
You won't eat meat, but if someone kills a cow, you'll play with its skin.
That's just weird.
- Hey.
Hi, honey.
- Come on in.
You're just in time for a stroll down Ryan's boulevard of broken dreams.
Hi, dad.
Hey, bud.
How was school? Bye, dad.
Okay, what did he do now? Apparently, he got suspended for the day for announcing that his teacher was (Singsong voice) boring.
Great.
That's awesome.
That's a little harsh.
I mean, the worst thing I ever got for telling a joke was detention.
And I I worked pretty blue back then.
That was his third strike.
He keeps getting in trouble for disrupting the class, and I have no idea what's going on with him.
Well, I'll tell you what it is he's bored.
Yeah, no kidding.
He didn't get suspended for saying (Singsong voice) "interesting.
" Did you talk to his teacher like I told you to? His teacher is the problem, okay? If she was doing her job, he wouldn't be bored.
Oh, everybody blames the teacher.
You know, but it's hard for us to keep the kids interested when we have to teach to the test and Lisa Morales shows up in a halter top.
Put Boyd in another class and maybe get Lisa Morales a nice sweater.
Oh, stop that.
I can't just put him in another class, okay? There's all sorts of rules against that.
But something's got to change 'cause he's not learning anything anymore.
Wow.
The public education system.
Imagine that a large government program that doesn't work very well.
Hey! Despite the heroic efforts of our teachers.
Well, luckily, I'm off tomorrow, so I can stay home with him.
You know, why don't you make it a day of learning? Maybe take him to the museum or the aquarium? Wait a second.
We could do something my dad and I used to love to do move boxes! Morning, Mike.
Here are the reports.
I'll get them to Kris.
Listen, you put your kids in private school, right? Oh, yeah.
Cost me a lot of money, too.
Every parents' night I went to, I picked up a new wife.
What was your pick-up line? "My kid's struggling to stay in school, much like your bosom in that sweater.
" No, mine was more like, "Hi, I'm a millionaire.
" Why are you asking about private schools? It's for Boyd.
The only thing public education is teaching him is how to hate learning.
Oh, Kristin told me about Boyd's suspension.
I didn't know that they were planning to switch schools.
She doesn't know about this yet.
But she'll be all right with this.
The research is for Ryan.
I like to get overwhelming evidence for why people are wrong.
Ah, I see.
Well, you're a wonderful grandfather, and you're not overstepping in the least.
Kyle, I need this raccoon problem solved, like, yesterday.
Well, if you needed it solved yesterday, you should have come to me yesterday.
Actually, yesterday was my day off.
Although, I was here in an unofficial capacity.
You know, just shopping and loading some boxes, a few deliveries.
Super relaxing.
What's this about a raccoon? There's one hiding in the store and raiding the restaurant at night, which is a huge health-code violation.
Unless you can get him to wear a hair net.
Raccoon in a hair net! I am going to call an exterminator.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No exterminator.
No, no.
This is a hunting store.
I mean, how would that look? What exactly are you suggesting? I'm not suggesting anything.
Just keep it to a small caliber.
I just don't want all that raccoon blood on the merchandise.
Okay? - Hey, love.
- Hey, honey.
You're on your own for dinner tonight.
I pulled some stew out of the freezer.
Great, 'cause it can watch me order pizza.
I thought we were gonna stay home, talk to Ryan about Boyd's school? Well, you're on your own for that, too.
I have to go back to the school for a mandatory meeting.
What kind of meeting do you have right now.
Probably about the importance of mandatory meetings.
As long as it takes time and energy away from the students, that's what's important.
You have to delete every one of those pictures, Eve.
Sorry, they're already in the cloud with grandma.
I am not breaking up this fight.
I don't get paid to do it here.
Love you.
Bye.
I don't get paid for this either.
They came out of you! Eve took a bunch of hideous pictures of me.
It's for a class.
We have to take an elective in the arts.
I chose photography you just have to press a button and let the camera do all the work.
There's more to photography than that.
I've taken pictures.
There really isn't.
I'm with Mandy on this.
I take a lot of pictures for our catalog.
Every picture tells a story.
Like what, dad? There once was a man who wanted to buy a tent? Or hiking boots or a gun or camping gear.
There's a thousand stories.
Well, the assignment was to take pictures of somebody at work.
I took pictures of Mandy.
Yeah, but she took pictures of basement Mandy.
No one's supposed to see basement Mandy! That's why she's in the basement.
Well, you know who doesn't care about this right now is kitchen Mike.
No one's going to see these photos but my stupid photography teacher, Mr.
Osgood.
Aw, Mr.
Osgood with the man bun who used to play guitar at lunch? Aw, I had a huge crush on him! Have you seen him lately? The only thing worse than a man bun a receding man bun.
Grandpa? Hey, there.
I went to the science center.
(Chuckles) I saw a bug and another bug and another bug and another bug and another bug Great! You know who'd love to hear this story? Mandy.
She's out in the kitchen.
Aunt Mandy! I went to the science center! I saw a bug and another bug You should have seen him, Mike.
I mean, he was running around from exhibit to exhibit, asking me all sorts of questions.
He couldn't get enough of it.
I'm sure he was running around the place was crawling with bugs.
Whatever problems he's having in school, it's not because he doesn't want to learn.
It's just he needs more individual attention.
Exactly, which is why we'll send him to private school.
Good talk.
Sorry, what? Are we still on this? Private schools are elitist, and they go against all of my principles.
Well, for once, this isn't about your principles.
It's about what's best for the kid.
We really aren't a private-school family.
Well, Vanessa and I would be happy to help you pay for it.
Well, not happy, but we would pay for it.
Mike, I Listen, listen.
Look, private schools have more freedom.
They have smaller class sizes, and, as you so brilliantly pointed out, Boyd needs the individual attention.
Okay.
Fine.
I suppose it wouldn't hurt to look into some private schools.
Don't have to bother.
I already did all your research for you.
Ha, ha! All right, great talk.
All right, the raccoon traps are all set for tonight.
We just have to wait for the bait to finish cooking.
Cooking? Did the raccoon order a last meal? I know you're joking, but if you humanize him, it's gonna make it harder to kill him.
And because it's so important to catch him, I'm making my grandmother's beef wellington.
Oh.
That sounds like a lot of work.
No, not really.
I didn't make the puff pastry from scratch.
I figured Mr.
"I usually eat garbage" wouldn't know the difference.
Darn it, I humanized him.
Hey, Kris.
This is from Ed's office.
Okay.
Thanks.
Something smells good.
What's the special today? Raccoon bait.
You might want to think of a better name for the chalkboard.
Hey, listen, uh, Ryan's coming in.
We had a long talk last night, and I think that he might be coming around to your whole private-school idea.
Well, you know what? Your dad can be very convincing.
Not all the time, 'cause this place is not called "outdoor Mike's.
" - Hey, there he is.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hey, Mike.
I wanted to thank you for your talk yesterday.
You made some really good points.
I had a little help from something called reality.
I was dropping Boyd off today at school, and he asked me "why do I have to go back here?" And I didn't know what to tell him.
Kind of choking on the words "grandpa was right"? He had so much fun learning yesterday, and I realized he's never gonna get that in those big classes at Clark.
I told you last night that I think private school is a great idea.
I know.
But I have an even better idea.
Oh, boy.
I'm gonna take him out of Clark and I'm gonna homeschool him.
Hey, looks like reality and I have a little more work to do.
You want to homeschool Boyd? Yes.
I think it's the perfect solution for him.
Really? You two sitting around in your Buzz Lightyear pajamas, doing algebra? Yeah, this actually doesn't concern you.
I just came to talk to you about it.
Yeah, yeah.
How do you want to handle this? You want to gang up on him, or do it in that sneaky wife way? Dad, I have a lot of faith in Ryan.
Ah, the sneaky wife way.
What I'm saying is, if he thinks this is something he can do, then I'm open to having that discussion.
Let's discuss it.
Bad idea.
End of discussion.
You know what? Maybe we'll just talk about this when you get home.
Yeah.
But I am really excited.
I think it's gonna be great.
I'll tell you what, public education's starting to look pretty good right about now, isn't it? Are you okay with this? I-I'm not sure what I am yet, okay? It kind of just came out of the blue.
When I was a kid, in our neighborhood, there was a homeschooled boy, Tommy Clayman.
He used to carry goldfish around in a bowl.
What does that have to do with homeschooling? He learned that somewhere! I need some time to figure out how I feel about this.
Aren't you the one who always says to gather all of the information before making a decision? There was no water in the bowl! I got your text.
What are you oh, my God.
Oh, I just figured that I should support your educational endeavors, and so if you have to take photos of me slaving away, so be it.
Uh, here's me pondering a sketch.
This is me leaving.
What? Why? Eve, you said you needed pictures of me working.
This is me working.
We can call this one "casually laughing with a coworker.
" (Laughs) Stop it you're so bad! (Laughs) If the assignment was to photograph someone's descent into madness, then I'd be all over this.
Eve, those pictures you took of me the other day were terrible.
Well, that's because you were deep in thought, which your face struggles with.
I'm just really stressed out about this new line of beaded dresses I'm making, and the last thing I need to worry about is photos of me winding up online.
It could be another Ashley Madison disaster.
That website for cheaters that got hacked? No.
My friend Ashley Madison.
Her little brother posted a photo of her sneezing.
She never recovered socially.
She had to go to the prom with someone who was in band.
Band! Um, I'll be back when you're really working.
But I am working.
This is me on the phone with a buyer from Milan.
(Italian accent) Oh, ciao! Rigatoni! Mozzarella! Eve-a, come-a back-a! Hey, teacher.
How was school? Wine.
And I guess we have our answer.
Honey You're gonna use a glass, right? Fine.
Hand me the big one.
Listen, since you're in such a good mood, let me make it even better.
Ryan wants to homeschool Boyd.
Homeschool? Oh, my God.
See, that's exactly what I said, but I I didn't use the lord's name in vain.
Well, I hope you tried to talk him out of it.
I mean, you obviously had time since you weren't making any dinner.
Do you want some frozen stew? Well, what did you tell him? Well, at first, I thought it was a bad idea.
And then I did some research, and I'm sure you know this, but homeschooling has become, like, a valid option.
It's not just for weirdos that carry around dead goldfish.
You know what's scary? I know you're talking about Tommy Clayman, but Senator Clayman aside I'm concerned about Boyd's socialization.
You know, but they do get together with other homeschooled kids.
They go on field trips.
It's much like your wine club that pretends to read books.
You need trained teachers to help prepare kids for college.
I talked to my chancellor buddy at U.
C.
Boulder.
They like homeschooled kids.
They're independent, they're critical thinkers.
All right, well, as much as I'm enjoying this homeschooling, I still think public schools have a lot to offer.
Yeah I get it.
But you know public school hasn't worked well for Boyd.
What's the future for this kid? He's built like a chimney sweep, and they just don't use them anymore.
Look, I get it.
I mean, obviously, Boyd needs more individual attention.
You said it yourself.
Your class size is too big.
What do you have, 40 in your class? Three are on maternity leave.
Well, at least you know that you've got them excited about biology.
Imagine what an amazing teacher you'd be if you just had one student.
Yeah, I'd have that kid in college by 14.
Well, obviously, Ryan isn't you, but he's smart.
And with the right preparation, I think he could do this.
Maybe.
Maybe it could work.
Oh, hey.
I, uh, was just gonna grab the last of the boxes.
No need to talk to me about anything.
Listen, you might like this conversation.
We might be okay with this homeschooling idea.
Really? Yeah, but with one change.
I'm gonna teach Boyd.
What? Yeah, w-what? I'm gonna quit my job and homeschool Boyd.
Okay, enough of this.
Look, Vanessa, I appreciate the offer, but Boyd is my son, and I should be the one to homeschool him.
Yeah, but I am a teacher.
I mean, Mike, back me up on this.
He does not get a vote.
I don't want to overstep.
Well Don't you think our grandson should have the best teacher in this family? Yeah, but I'm not quitting my job.
Look, Ryan, Ryan Boyd's education is a 10-year commitment, and with all due respect, you're a quitter.
Wow.
I'm not sure I heard any due respect in there.
Ryan, I mean, look at this box of commitments you gave up on.
The ukulele, leathertooling, cheese-making.
If you quit homeschooling the way you quit these things, you're gonna devastate Boyd.
I would never give up on Boyd.
All right, all right, all right.
Everybody, let's just hold it.
Do you even know why I quit those things? You know what? Actually, never mind.
Finish what you were gonna say.
I quit ukulele lessons so I could take Boyd to hockey practice.
What about the cheese stuff? Boyd's allergic.
And the leather? I have very delicate hands.
Well, it was mostly for Boyd.
I know what he did give up sleep.
Remember, he took the graveyard shift delivering beer so he could be there to fix him breakfast? Sometimes I only made him oatmeal with no fruit.
I still regret that.
Let's face it Ryan is easy to criticize, and it's actually quite fun.
But I think we both would agree that he does put his kid first.
I think he could do this.
Can you do this? Yes, I know that I can.
I-I think he can, too.
Oh, great.
Great.
You guys, you have this all decided, then, don't you? I didn't know Vanessa felt that way about me.
This isn't about you.
This is about something else.
Well, you backed me up over your wife, - I don't want to bruise your hands.
- And I appreciate that.
All right, change of plans.
The bait tonight is gonna be mac and cheese.
Was something wrong with the beef wellington? No.
It was delicious.
But I think we're safe with this plan, because I don't like mac and cheese.
What am I doing here? This happens to me all the time.
We're staying late to catch a raccoon.
I'm talking about Boyd.
He's having all this trouble at school, and Ryan is dropping everything to do whatever it takes to help him, and I'm not.
That's because you have a really important job.
The most important job in the world to me is raising my son.
Yeah, that's what you're doing by your example.
How? Look, you were pregnant at 17, no husband, you were a waitress in a diner.
So I was a country-western song.
You were living with your parents I mean, no real future.
I get it.
I was a mess.
Yeah, was.
Now you're doing great.
You're showing Boyd that no matter how rough things get, you can always get your life back on track.
I guess that's true.
It definitely is.
I mean, things were really grim for you.
You missed out on college.
You got that bad haircut.
Kyle, stop.
Good pep talk.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
Kyle.
The raccoon.
Right.
That's what we're doing here.
I should write it on my hand.
(Sighs) Want some help? Why, am I not doing good enough? You know, maybe Ryan would do a better job of folding these towels.
Well, I think he'd do it with less attitude.
You really want to quit your job? I don't want to quit, Mike.
I just don't want to keep doing it.
It's a good thing you don't teach English.
You're not very good with words.
I'm just so frustrated.
I mean, I spend every day bogged down by this giant bureaucracy, and I'm I'm not making a difference.
But you could if you stayed home and taught Boyd.
Yeah.
You if you understand what I'm going through, then why did you pick Ryan? I'm just trying to make you happy.
You're gonna have to explain that.
It's hard for me to admit, but there might be someone who can explain it better than me.
Oh, honey Listen.
Vanessa: Honey, it's me.
I just had the most amazing first day teaching.
I love this.
I taught my class the parts of the cell, and this one girl just lit up, Mike.
She got it.
I know not every day is gonna be like this, but I also know this is what I'm supposed to be doing.
I can make a difference to these kids.
I am so happy, I even made up a song.
Oh, teaching is the best thing ever It kind of went off the rails right about then.
You saved that? I save a lot of your voice mails.
My favorite is down here.
You butt-dialed me when you were trying to parallel park.
You were swearing like a sailor.
I remember that feeling, and that girl never missed a class until the day her water broke.
She's coming back.
But if you quit, who's gonna teach her or the other kids? Why do you always have to be so right? Don't tell anybody, but I am from the future.
Yeah.
You know, I guess I should apologize to Ryan.
I don't think so.
That's a bad precedent to set.
I am a little worried, though, about his commitment.
I am.
This doesn't have to happen tomorrow.
If I don't like how he's teaching Boyd, I'll fire him and hire you.
That's sweet, honey, but it's it's really not your decision.
You know, people keep saying that, but it's so not the truth.
Hey.
What's going on? I think I made a huge mistake trying to make beaded dresses.
They take forever to sew, and I'm not even sure anyone is going to like them.
You know, I got an "A" on the photo essay of you.
Mr.
Osgood loved it.
Really? Dave liked it? He had students stop calling him "Dave" after spending six months in teacher time-out.
Come look at the photos.
No! I feel bad enough already.
I don't need to see ugly pictures of myself.
Look at how good you look, you idiot.
Blearg.
I had no makeup.
My hair was everywhere.
I probably look like you.
Look, you're missing the story these pictures are telling.
It's about someone who loves what they're doing and doesn't care how they look while they're doing it.
You're a really good photographer, Eve.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
I mean, I guess I just have that kind of beauty that just shines through no matter what.
Yeah.
They really capture how two-dimensional you are.
Mm.
Thank you.
So, um, what exactly did Dave say? Mm.
He said it's great to have a job again.
Everybody call me Mr.
Osgood.