My Family (2000) s05e04 Episode Script

- Isn't it nice? - Mm.
I mean, we're so well suited.
You see some couples and they're poles apart.
We like the same food, the same drinks, the same TV programmes.
- I was watching that.
- But we always watch Holby City.
- Not when I'm watching another programme.
- But you like this programme.
Oh, it's not fair.
Why do we always watch programmes I like? Let me choose something for you.
(Doorbell) Saved! - (Susan) Roger! - Doomed.
- Hello.
- Would you like to stay for supper? (Ben) Oh, God, no! Holby City.
Actually, I'm on my way to Mexican Night at the crazy golf course.
I believe they've turned the windmill into a cactus.
Well, whoopedy doo! That's what I thought and I was wondering if Abi would like to golf the light fantastic.
That might be a bit to awkward.
Don't worry, I can teach her how to grip the putter.
Roger, there is something I need to tell you.
Oh, hello, Abi.
- Hi, Roger.
This is Steve.
- (Roger) Hello.
I was wondering if you fancy going to Mexican Night at the crazy golf course? Apparently they've turned the windmill into a cactus! - Really? - Yes! How about it? Oh, Roger, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to dinner, with Steve tonight.
Who's Steve? - My boyfriend.
- Hi.
Oh right.
Your boyfriend.
That's right.
I see.
Well fine.
Roger, did you say you needed the loo? No.
Well, to the victor the spoils.
Let me be the first to congratulate you, she's a lovely, lovely girl, and I hope you be very happy in your life together.
I should think so, we're off to Burger King, home of the Whopper.
- Bye - See ya.
Roger, I Well, I suppose that's it then, the end of all my dreams.
I might as well pack up my shepherd's crook and flee the fields of Acadia.
I'll send them Christmas cards, I'll be an uncle to their children.
But she will never know how she broke my heart.
It's only their second date.
Perhaps I should go and run a bar in Crete or something.
Good idea, I could rent out your surgery for you.
Ben! Come and sit down with us and talk about it.
Oh, God! What's the point? There's nothing to say.
He is so right, absolutely nothing.
Nonsense.
Now, do you know what drives women wild? Crisps? Yes, but to be doubly sure, here's how to get Abi interested in you.
- Yes? - Make her jealous.
And the way to do that is show her that you're happy with some other girl.
Impossible.
Well, Ben will back me up, over to you, Ben.
What? Yes, I've been giving your problem another careful thought, Roger, and what about the French Foreign Legion? - Molly Gryce? - No! Oh, but she's lovely, she's so nice.
Nice? Men don't want nice, not on a first date.
In fact, the nastier the better.
What about Vicky Crabshaw? - Vicky?! - What's wrong with her? - Well, I mean, She's not, you know - Attractive? She's got warts.
Those aren't warts, they're laughter spots.
She's got the worst teeth I've ever seen, and I'm a dentist.
- I know, Beverly Urchfold.
- Oh, God! Now I'm gonna have nightmares.
OK, who do you think is attractive? - You, darling.
- Apart from me.
- We're not opening that door.
- What door? When I say someone's attractive you get the hump.
And if I don't say someone's attractive you say who is attractive, and then it goes on and on, in endless loop, until I tell who is attractive and then you get the hump.
Either way you get the hump.
Just one name? No.
- Just one.
- No.
Go on.
All right Halle Berry, but don't get the hump.
I'm not.
She's very attractive, you have very good taste.
Now, what about people we know? Oh, God! - Ah, Vicky Crabshaw! - Good idea.
I'll ring her and set up a date with Roger No, no, Susan, anything but that! Come on, it's time to draw a line in the sand! Roger maybe irritating, bumptious, too chirpy in the mornings.
Noisy, persistent, thick skinned, can't take "Get out!" for an answer, constantly visiting, naive, gauche, and he makes a snorting noise when he clears his throat.
But! He's a man.
And as a fellow man, it is my duty to protect him, from this female conspiracy called matchmaking.
But he'll never get a girlfriend without my help.
Just leave to me, OK? We'll try the man's way, and if that doesn't work, we'll do it the wrong way.
All Roger needs is a few pointers from the master in the art of love.
Good.
And while his at it, get him to help you.
Now look, I want you, you know, just to imagine this is a young, gorgeous woman, OK? First impressions are very important, you've got to dazzle her! Don't give her room for second thoughts.
- What's her name? - All in good time.
Claudia.
OK.
You don't mind this, Mr Hargreaves? Oh no, no, no, no.
We used to do this in the army.
A lot of waiting around.
Yep, of course, yep.
OK.
So, Roger, come on man, get in there and dazzle.
(Clears throat) Hello.
Hello.
Can I buy you a drink? - No, thank you.
- OK, goodbye.
No, Roger - Rest.
- OK.
Claudia, let him at least buy you a drink.
Well, I don't want him to think I'm fast.
- We'll take that as read.
- Oh, good, Thank you.
I I'll have a Campari.
OK.
Have we got any Campari? Roger, it doesn't matter, it's role play.
you don't even know her name yet.
- Claudia.
- All right.
Yes, I know.
Let me show you, look watch watch this, OK? - Hi.
- Hello.
- I'm Ben.
- Hm.
There must be an angel missing in heaven.
Eh? The lights in this cocktail bar may be low but somehow, it's as bright as day.
Wait It's your eyes.
Thank you very much.
You know, if I were to steal a kiss from those perfect lips, would you slap my face? I don't know.
I think it's worth the risk.
Oh, my God! - Well, don't stop that was very good.
- I know.
- A little too good.
- Yup! Obviously I don't need lessons in the art of love! Come on.
- I'm not kissing him! - No you're not supposed to, just talk to him.
- I'm off.
- Where are you going? To the pub, all this talk about drink's made me thirsty.
- Me too, mind if I come with? - All right, but you're buying, you're the man.
- Huh? - No, Roger Roger.
And of course, these are all original features.
Though the tiles are style of, they're not real delft.
I wish.
Michael? Can I ask you a straight question? You can try.
- Are you selling the house? - No.
It sounds like you are.
Oh no, Mum, it's just evaluation.
If you want to sell it in the future, it's free.
This is not your house.
Not yet.
But now the kids are going to have to think about these things.
- No you don't, I do.
- I mean, anything could happen to you two.
I mean soon or later, it's got to happen.
I'm not saying it will happen, it's got to.
Good evening.
- Is Michael selling the house? - It's just evaluation.
So, how is Roger getting on with his lessons, in the art of love? Not great, but he's seeing Mr Hargreaves again.
Who is Mr Hargreaves? You don't want to know.
Let me show you the top floor bedroom.
It's a bit poky but it would suit someone about five years younger than me.
Sounds like he's selling the house.
- Well, we won't be here forever.
- Huh? Right.
Now, as your way didn't work, it's back to plan A, Vicky Crabshaw.
Abi isn't gonna get jealous of Vicky Crabshaw.
- Are you saying Vicky isn't gorgeous? - You're beginning to get the picture.
Look, Abi's seeing Steve on Tuesday, their third date, and you know what that means.
She gets a shake with her fries? Right, you asked for this.
No! Not Vicky Crabshaw! - No, Roger.
- No! Not Roger.
I'm telling him to bring a girl with him on Tuesday.
But Roger hasn't got a girl, keep up.
But why? What's happening on Tuesday? Drinks here, with Abi and Steve, keep up.
But but why? Then he'll just have to get a girl.
Let me get this straight, you're having drinks here on Tuesday, with Abi, Steve, and Roger, and a girl he hasn't got yet? - That's right.
- Good plan! See you Wednesday.
Roger? Another squid ball, Steve? No thanks, I don't wanna spoil my appetite for any of that meaty burger goodness.
He's just being polite, Susan, he spat the last one out.
- Think we better get going.
- No.
Stay here a bit longer.
Someone else might turn up.
- Oh, you expecting someone? - No But wouldn't it be awful if someone else did turn up and you missed them? - What's she talking about? - I don't know.
I've learned it's best to go with the flow.
Squid ball? No, thanks.
- Something wrong with them? - They are delicious, they're delicious.
But actually, the next time you make them, could you ease up on the gelatine? Of course, dear, or you can get your girlfriend Halle Berry to make them for you.
I knew it, I knew it! I didn't want to name names but you went on and on.
- Oh, and Halle Barry doesn't? - I don't even know Halle Berry.
Then how do you know she makes squid balls? - I didn't say that! - What?! And this is the kitchen.
Of course, you'd have to make cosmetic changes.
I can see that.
I mean, try and imagine it with none of this people here.
- I don't like this.
- Rip it out then.
Sorry about the ceiling, previous owner was a bit lax with the upkeep.
- I've been busy.
- Don't collude.
Michael, I thought you told me you weren't selling the house? I don't have to, Mum, it sells itself.
- Then why are you showing people around? - I'm just testing the market.
There's been a lot of interest.
- Really? - (Quietly) Sales patter, Dad.
The neighbours are wonderful.
You need only worry about the Harpers but they'll be long gone.
Michael, haven't you told them about the murder? Oh, God! Yeah, yeah.
Two years ago right where you're standing.
I got the blood stains out but they keep coming back.
Let me show you the master bedroom.
It'll make a wonderful play room for little David, what was it? (Doorbell) Oh, there's Roger.
I hope he hasn't turned up alone that would be so embarrassing.
Not for me.
Oh, he'll have found someone.
Oh, I hope to God it's Claudia! Ben, Susan, I'd like you to meet Sarah.
Hello.
Is she with you? Yeah, Sarah's my date.
Yeah, but she's I mean, she's I mean look at her, she's Wooh Well done, mate! Hello, Sarah, do come in.
Mind you don't trip on my husband's tongue.
I never doubted you for second.
Abi, Steve, this is Sarah.
- Hi.
- Cor! Yes, yes, Sarah's my date.
Are you jealous? - Too much too soon.
- OK.
Roger, you look very happy.
Abi, doesn't Roger look happy? I wonder what's making him happy.
Are you jealous now? Susan, people might be happy if we let them get on with their lives.
I'm helping Roger force home an advantage.
It doesn't need forcing and he doesn't need matchmaking.
Look at him, look, you see we dentists we're like catnip for chicks.
The point is, do you think Abi's jealous? I don't know, why don't you ask her for yourself? - Abi! - Hello.
- Did you hear any of that? - I heard all of it.
- Well, ignore it - OK.
So, what do you think of Roger's new girlfriend? Her hair's the wrong colour, her eyelashes are too short and she got crinkly elbows.
You're not jealous, are you Abi? No, not at all.
She's got flappy ear lobes too.
Excuse me, Susan.
(Sarah) Oh, right.
Oi, you! Stop ogling! I'm not ogling, I just can't believe that he wound up with her.
- What's wrong him? - Look at him.
He's all right.
Roger's nice.
Yeah? How nice? As nice as this? Hello, dear.
Run out of lives to interfere with? Actually I've run out of olives.
Oh, sorry.
- Thought you were my wife.
- Sorry? Yes, so am I.
Um, olives? Yep, here they are.
They must be here, somewhere.
You've got 'em, yep.
So, how did you and Roger get together? Er, Yellow Pages.
Oh, right.
You should have come to me.
Not that your teeth aren't perfect already.
Oh, thank you.
I mean, Roger's good, you know, but he's a bit inexperienced.
Yeah, if you ever want me to give you the once-over, just give me a call.
Why don't you give me a call? I, er, think those olives might past their sell-by date.
Just get you some more, OK? Ah, here they are.
Wow! Wow, indeed.
- Another tissue.
- No need, all dry now.
So, where did you find her? Well, after I got your phone call, I thought, well, this is going to need a lot of long careful planning.
That's when I panicked.
Luckily, my good friend Mr Hargreaves stepped in.
That's Mr Hargreaves?! No, no.
He suggested I look in the local directories, under escorts.
That's how I found Sarah.
Escorts.
Yes, I really think I've fallen on my feet.
Isn't she a peach? So, you're paying Sarah to be with you tonight? That's right.
It's perfect, so simple so easy.
No emotional ties, no commitment cash on the nail, peck on the cheek and goodbye.
And if you're lucky, a lick on the face.
Roger, doesn't it bother that she's a How can I put this? A career girlfriend? Oh, it's only a part-time job for her.
The rest of the time, she's a model.
And a masseuse.
She's also done some films.
Roger Hello, lover boy.
Did you miss me? - Ben, Ben - Susan, Susan.
(Both) I've got to tell you something.
Sorry you first.
- You'll never guess - No, me first.
Look, Sarah came on to me! Yeah, I mean, I mean, I didn't go there.
I mean, you know, whoa! I was really mortified, but I mean, you know.
Eh? I told you, didn't I? I've still got it, you know.
We dentists are chicks magnets, yes.
She gave me her card, gave me her card.
I mean, it's amazing that a young girl like that would go for a mature but attractive chap like me.
Look at this, look - actress, model masseuse - She's a prostitute.
- She's a prostitute.
You know whose fault this is, don't you? Mr bloody Hargreaves.
There's that name again.
Why does that name keep popping up? If I didn't know you any better, I'd think you were having an affair with him.
Yes, I'm having an affair with Mr Hargreaves.
He's gorgeous, I love him, we go to clubs and snog.
- Happy now? - Not really.
You know what the saddest thing is? Roger doesn't know she's a you know.
That's not the sad thing, that's the funny thing.
If you'd let me set him up with Vicky Crabshaw.
He'd now have warts.
My worry is he'll get emotionally involved.
How will he feel when he learns the truth? He won't feel anything because he won't find out.
Will he, Susan? Susan? We've got to tell him.
We've got to let him down gently.
No, let's just tell him in stages, one letter at a time.
Or sending him a singing telegram.
You're dating a call girl You're right, we can't tell him.
There's got to be another way.
- I'll have to think of something else.
- It won't work.
- I haven't thought of it yet.
- Keep it that way.
And this is the master bedroom.
A bit small for my needs.
Cosy, certainly.
And don't forget there's the ensuite bathroom.
Bedroom? Bathroom? It's neither fish nor fowl.
Michael! I'm with a client.
That's Hubert.
He can't afford to buy this place.
Well, not now.
When he sells his parents' house.
Hello, Ben.
Oh, hello, Mr Hargreaves.
Oh, so it's Mr Hargreaves now, is it? I, er, just popped down to borrow some mouthwash.
Help yourself.
Thank you for returning it so promptly.
Anything else? - Well, I wouldn't mind some toilet paper.
- No! Get out! Go home! OK, can you lend me the bus fare? Do I get the impression you're a bit strapped for cash? A bit, I had to sell my Gollum.
Roger, those Lord Of The Rings figurines are your only friends.
I don't need them, now that I've got Sarah.
You're not still paying for dates, Roger? Well it's how we started, it's become a bit of a habit.
Don't wanna jinx it.
Roger, um I think there is something about Sarah you ought to know.
I want to know everything about her, but I've got the rest of my life to find out.
- Roger.
- Yes, Ben? You know best.
Anyway better pop down the bank, see if they've lifted the block on my card.
I swear that girl is cleaning me out.
She's a tart, isn't she? Yup.
What a pickle.
Claudia, it's over.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Sorry, are you working? Yeah, I'm unblocking the sink.
Oh, ha, right.
Ben.
Remember me? Of course, do you want to come in? What do you mean? Well, you knocked on the door.
Oh right, yes I did, yes I did.
Well, er, this is nice.
Not what I expected.
What did you expect? Look, let's not beat around the point.
Oh, I've got a chair just like that at home.
- You were saying? - Yes, um It's about Roger Bailey.
Oh, I like him, he's sweet.
Well he's he's a bit naive Roger.
And and he he doesn't know exactly what you do.
What do I do? Well, he thinks you're a model.
That's right, I model for a knitwear catalogue.
Oh.
Yes, but he also said you were a masseuse.
Yes, I have degree in sports science and physical therapy.
Well done.
Yeah, but what about those films he said you make? Oh, they're nothing.
Come on.
OK, I was third scullery maid in Gosford Park.
Oh, is that all? Well, I can see why you wanted to keep that quiet.
So this point you mentioned any chance of getting there? Well, we thought that My wife thought that you were something more than an escort.
Yes, we thought My wife thought that, er you did other things for money.
I do.
- You do? - Yes.
- So you are a - Yes.
Oh Wooh! Well, glad we cleared that up.
Look, I would like to spend all afternoon clearing up your misunderstandings, but why are you really here? I'm just looking out for Roger, OK? Oh, I get it.
Protecting him from the big bad tart? I never misled him, if that's what you think.
Yeah, I know.
Roger's perfectly capable of misleading himself.
I just think you should stop seeing him.
At 200 quid an hour? And you think Roger's naive? OK, I did my best.
I'm not a judgmental man but Roger's a kind decent enough bloke and I don't think he should be taken advantage of.
So, good day.
Oh, er, good luck with the sink.
- Ben?! - Oh, my God! Susan, you didn't hear what I said about Roger, did you? Honey, what on earth do you think you were doing? I thought I could sort out the problem by going straight to the source.
Why didn't you tell me you were going there? - It might not have worked, and I'd look stupid.
- It didn't and you do.
That's the most bone-headed plan I ever heard.
Hang on a minute, what were you doing there? Never mind that.
The point is, it's our moral duty to the tell Roger the truth.
We can't be cowards or hypocrites about this.
I'm willing to give it a go.
No, we've got to tell him, the next time he comes around.
- (Roger, distressed) Susan! - Or maybe the time after that? Susan, I've got something to tell you.
- And we have something to tell you.
- Me first.
Sarah's a lady of the night! Golly! Imagine! And we had no idea.
Oh, really? I'm sure you must have had an inkling, darling, didn't you? No, I did not, and neither did you.
Otherwise we would have told Roger, and now we don't have to.
No, that's right.
Whoof no idea at all.
So, how did you find this out? Well, I was round at her flat earlier, when suddenly the door flew off its hinges.
Whoo, you got your money's worth then.
Sorry.
No, it was a police raid.
Sarah got taken away and I shot off through the window.
What else could you do? - I've had a terrible day, Susan.
- Ohh.
Raided by the police, jumped out of a window, hid in a dustbin for two hours and basically spent all my holiday money.
Hey, but hey, you know, it's a relationship.
But it's not the sort of relationship I had in mind, Ben.
And I was wondering if Susan wouldn't mind awfully if I broke it off with Sarah.
Me? Why should I mind? Well, it was your idea.
Get a girl, any girl.
Yes, it was.
She was very nice, though, wasn't she? Would you excuse me a moment? - She's not coming back, is she? - No.
- See you.
- Yeah, bye.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
How was your date? Terrible, my boyfriend turned out to be a slimeball.
My girlfriend turned out to be a call girl.
You win.
You know, if there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that there should only be one woman for me.
Yes? My mum.
How sweet.
Wow She is in Gosford park.
He's awfully nice and kind.
Sounds good.
- And he's on the rebound, which is a bonus.
- Oh, even better.
It doesn't work and it's not going to work.
- Sorry? - Coffee grinder, needs a new head.
Like you.
Hallo.
Roger, what a coincidence, what brings you here? You invited me.
And as you're here, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine who's just dropped by coincidentally.
Roger, this is Vicky Crabshaw.
- Hello.
- Hello.
He's not my type.
Susan, Susan, word out there now.
All right, but make it quick, Roger's got a 2:30 with Molly Gryce.
Susan, I thought the last few days might have taught you a lesson.
I was right, and you were wrong.
You can't just match people together re (Susan and Ben) Michael!