One Foot in the Grave (1990) s05e04 Episode Script

One thousand five hundred and ninety-two What? Leaves on that plant It was only 1 ,503 when we came in Don't talk such utter drivel I'm telling you! It's artificial Is it? (MOANING) How much longer is he going to keep us? My buttocks are turning into fossilised fuel Course, that's solicitors for you The longer they keep each client up there, the more they can charge them That's how they make their money They'd break wind in the phone and send you a bill for it I've a good mind just to pack it all in and go home (METALLIC RATTLING) (EXCLAIMING) What is it now? I've got one of my bits caught up Right where it hurts, in the inside leg of my Ow! It's agony when that happens They just dropped out suddenly and now the elastic's cutting in like Like the Like the string in abacon dumpling Do you have to make such an exhibition of yourself in a public place? It'll be fine in a second if I can just slide it back inside That's good Oh, that's got you, you little bugger Can't you just be more careful how you sit down? Oh, yes, I'll put them in an egg box next time That'll solve everything It's just one of those things, I'm afraid, as any man will tell you (GLASS SHATTERING) Leave it where it is! I've got a spider in my flies Look at that There he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole You're sure he's not struggling to get out? There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see I expect Be at home among the cobwebs Money spider Look! You just can't do it, can you? What? You can't stay settled for one minute It's completely beyond you I can settle, don't you worry about that I can settle any time I want to Oh! For God's sake! Why don't you go for the easy option and use a giant wrecking ball? Have the entire building razed to the ground in seconds What sort of table is that, anyway, that's not joined on to the legs? Ruddy well asking for trouble, that is (EXCLAIMS) Just sit down (PHONE RINGING) Do you have to? See that? How much dust there is in these cushions? Look at that I'll come over there to see how much dust there is in your ears in a minute Now just give it a rest Wonder when this place had a good spring-clean VE Day? But still, not much point in dusting when you think about it It only just settles again everywhere five minutes later All you're ever doing is rearranging it, in actual fact -Do you know what dust is? -Yes Old bits of human skin Mostly Just millions and millions of bits of all the people who waited in this waiting room I mean, no saying who this is on my finger now Sir Stafford Cripps? Incredible to think that, isn't it? (VEHICLE HORN HONKING) Oh, oh (STAMMERING) I don't believe it! Heaven spare us! Look at that That bird mess on the window -What about it? -It's on the inside I've got it all over my nose It's a ruddy death trap, this place (GROANING) What in the Just hold it Hold still a minute Leave it, leave it Will you How did that get there, in the name of sanity? On the inside if you please I just give up I don't know A pigeon maybe flew in when the window was open Will you keep still? Now Any more? You sure you haven't got horse manure or anything down the back of your shirt? It's worse than taking a child out for the day I don't know why I don't put you on reins Oi! You! Yes, you Excuse me! It just never ends, does it? That happens to be my bloody car when you've finished allowing your dog to urinate all down the side of it MAN: It needed a wash anyway I beg your Did you hear what he said? ''It needed a wash anyway'' Where are those cakes? (DOG YELPING) Get out of there, you little bastard! I've a good mind to have you prosecuted for wilful damage of property See what you have to say about that! MAN 2: You don't have to say anything until you've consulted a solicitor! Who the hell asked you? You keep your nose out of this MAN 2: Is this gentleman subjecting you to unreasonable public harassment, sir? MAN 1 : Yeah, he just insulted my dog as well! MAN 2: In which case, my advice to you would be to seek professional representation without delay! Oh, would it, indeed? Well, I'll be getting on to my solicitor, too, when I see him, so don't you worry on that score, matey And you can stick your nose in a lawnmower! All finished now? Ruddy naked vandalism in the streets No one gives a damn any (SNIFFING) (SNORTING) Mr Prothrow? This way, please (TAPPING) Listen to that How thin these walls are Must be where they divided up the original room -Listen to that, that's wafer thin -Yes! I can hear Thank you Lean back suddenly, someone could put their head right through that I'll bear that in mind Fish fingers have thawed out now I can never look at one of these without thinking about I know what you're going to say so don't say it -I was just going to say about Mr -I know Well, Mr Dimbley, who lived down in Wingate Crescent Was the talk of the whole street, that was Do you remember when his wife came back that day -and found he'd stuck one of these little -Yes! I don't think I want to be reminded of the sordid details, thank you Things people do for pleasure Never forget the look on his face when they carried him out to the ambulance As if he'd just been hypnotised Gave a whole new meaning to the phrase ''putting a light bulb in'' (WHISPERING) (CLATTERING) (BANGING) (VICTOR URINATING) (MARGARET CLEARS THROAT) (SNIFFING) (CLEARS THROAT) (VICTOR STILL URINATING) (MARGARET COUGHING) (CLEARS THROAT) (TOILET FLUSHING) (VICTOR URINATING) Do you want to go? It's quite clean Oh, sorry to have kept you both Oh, right Well, that's a relief I'm still alive Hanging on by a thread Why is it that everyone else who comes in here only has to wait for 1 0 seconds, then they're in? But not us Wouldn't be surprised if he isn't up there anymore Probably left half an hour ago to go and play golf with various chief constables Like that time I sat all afternoon waiting to see a throat specialist and found out he was at a cocktail party in Bury St Edmunds -Mr Meldrew? -Oh, for God's sake, and about time! Mr Latimer is not quite ready for you yet His colleague, Mr Mangrove, asked me to give you this Mr What's this? (PHONE RINGING) ''Dear Mr Meldrew, just to confirm that I have today received instructions ''to act on behalf of Mr GW Skinner of 45 Ogden Street, ''who is filing a claim for damages in connection with an alleged assault ''carried out by yourself upon his pit bull terrier, Horace, this afternoon ''with a Sainsbury's coconut meringue'' An assault with a coconut meringue? And it wasn't even stale! Oh, I have never in all my life heard of anything so patently ludicrous Well, I'm going straight up there I'm not going to have this Leave it for now, Victor, for God's sake! We'll mention it to ours when we go in Just don't make things worse than they already are I'm sorry I came here this afternoon, I am straight I mean, it's cheered me up like I can't tell you Sitting here all afternoon waiting to make out a will I can only think of one thing worse than dying And that's living forever I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be? If I was just always here, for ever and ever and ever Yes I don't know what it's all about when it comes down to it Whether you're just here one minute and gone the next, like God rearranging the dust Got no way of knowing Anyway, I don't see the point of wills Not in our case Shared everything over all these years It's purely a formality after all's said and done Thirty-seven years ago this week, as it happens Since what? Since the first time we shared something -What? -Our bodies You remember? Peggy Hawkesworth's engagement party in Glendale Gardens I can still remember the first moment I walked into that room and saw this dashing, handsome young man standing over by the record player with a head of golden, wavy, thick hair Couldn't look at anybody else all night Spent the entire evening waiting to be introduced, just smiling across the room like an idiot And then, just after midnight, you remember, there was a power cut We'd all had far too much to drink and I just seized my chance Dashed across the room, grabbed your hand and dragged you out into the garden I remember it took you a hell of a time to get going You had your hand in my blouse for half an hour twiddling a dead wasp And then, eventually, we just both relaxed into it And And then we got up out of the lupines, dusted ourselves down and went back inside And when the lights came back on again, I remember, I just stood and looked at you, and realised I'd grabbed hold of the wrong person Jeremy Birchall, the one with the thick, wavy, golden hair, was just leaving with that girl who worked in the hat factory Anyway, got us started off together And that was that Funny, though, isn't it? How it's hardly ever your first choice that you eventually end up with? Or even your second or third All the ones you think you fancy the most, none of them are right for you, probably, in the end Yes Oh, well, I mean Well, look at you, ending up with me when there were girls like Olive Reynolds, Hazel Warner, Jennifer Davy, and that sister of hers They were a pretty little pair You were always my first choice Was I? You've never said that before No, well Well, I suppose there's lots of things you never say that you think about saying and something always crops up, life goes on Somehow you never quite get around to putting it into words (DOOR OPENING) # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #