Phineas and Ferb s05e04 Episode Script

1 There's a hundred and four days of summer vacation and school comes along just to end it So the annual problem for our generation is finding a good way to spend it Like maybe Building a rocket, or fighting a mummy or climbing up the Eiffel Tower Discovering something that doesn't exist Hey! Or giving a monkey a shower Surfing tidal waves Creating nano-bots or locating Frankenstein's brain It's over here! Finding a dodo bird Painting a continent Or driving our sister insane Phineas! As you can see, there's a whole lot of stuff to do before school starts this fall Come on, Perry.
So stick with us, 'cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all! So stick with us, 'cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all! Mom, Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence! Announcer: Welcome to the 48th annual Montevillebad Grand Prix pre race show.
Coming to you, of course, from the coast of glamorous Montevillebad.
A name that translates roughly as "mountain village bath" in a variety of european languages! Seven hours of racing jargon and mindless statistics, here we come! Ooh! Snacks! Mmm-hmm.
And they are race-themed.
Well, wroom-wroom.
And there's our pole-sitter, international racing legend Paolo Vanderbeek.
A household name.
Born in the Scottish enclave of a Swiss town in the Italian alps to Dutch parents.
Not only a king among drivers, Paolo Vanderbeek is also a beloved man of the people.
No one is more passionate about his sport or cares more about his fans than Paolo Vanderbeek, earning him the name the "king of care.
" Gonna go get my bust on gonna get, gonna get, gonna get baw-ba-baw-baw-baw my bust on! How can you go outside when it's grand prix day? Uh, yeah, well, my pleather jumpsuit is at the cleaners - and I feel underdressed.
- Oh, that's understandable, then.
- Uh, she was being facetious, dear.
- Oh, I see.
Well, doesn't look like there's anything bustable going on yet.
- I guess I could kill a few.
- Give it a chance, Candace.
You might find it exciting.
Let's look at an incomprehensible map of the race course, shall we? Nigel: I can't make heads or tails out of it.
You? Ian: Uh, no clue, but no doubt it'll be exciting! Oh, yeah, the excitement is killing me.
Seems like a good time to wonder where Perry is.
Greetings from Montevillebad, Agent P.
You'll be joining us here for your mission, but the lines aren't secure.
So, we'll give you the details when you get here.
And to get you here in style, we've provided you with a vintage 1963 Olson Martin! So I'll see you after the wipe.
Hello, again, Agent P! International intel's indicated that Doofenshmirtz is planning to sabotage Paolo Vanderbeek and enter the grand prix himself.
So, we need you to find out what Doof is up to while Carl and I keep an eye on Vanderbeek here at the race track, incognito.
Nifty disguise, huh? Gives me a continental look, don't you think? Anyway, Doofenshmirtz is at the casino at L'hotel Uber-Swank.
Chorus: # Doofenshmirtz at a casino! # Male croupier: Monsieur in the lab coat and bow tie wins again.
Man, I am on a roll! Stupid game.
I'll never play it again.
Ah, never say never! Who's next? Oh, a mysterious platypus to take my challenge! Okay, I'll go first! Male croupier: Jeux de morpion! Monsieur Platypus in a tuxedo wins.
What? Monsieur, there are no pets allowed in the casino.
What? He's not my mysterious platypus.
I didn't bring him in here.
I'm just Oh, oh, oh, you mean the cat? Yeah, my bad.
Look at all those cars in a line.
Nigel: The collective amount of horsepower is absolutely staggering.
And so [coughing.]
are the exhaust fumes.
You realize this is just a bunch of cars parked in a line? Both: Yes! Yes, we do.
[music.]
[chitters.]
[gasps.]
The mysterious platypus from the casino! Perry the mysterious platypus from the casino? Bet you're tired of standing around, aren't you? See tires! I thought it apropos.
You know, this being the grand prix and all.
Wait till you see my new lair.
Not too shabby.
- Hey, Norm, I'm back! - Look what I found! Metal teeth! [scoffs.]
You've always had metal teeth, Norm.
Yes, but these are sharp.
What does that matter? You can't open your mouth.
Here, grab Perry the platypus.
Isn't this place fabulous? I found it through an international lair exchange website.
It's even got its own rocket.
You know, I think I might've gotten the better end of this deal.
[groans.]
Anyway, you gonna love it, I was so impressed, I commissioned a whole new jingle! Doofenshmirtz' swanky new evil lair! Yeah, it's swanky! it's an even swap a variation on a timeshare he can use the kitchen and the hallway closet don't touch the rocket or you'll lose your deposit it's an old school evil hideout vacation swap it's an elegant lair with spectacular views but the carpets are white so please take off your shoes the wiring is new so you won't blow an electrical fuse it's a swanky new evil hideout vacation an old school evil hideout vacation yes, it's Doofenshmirtz's evil hideout vacation swap Yeah, look at these swanky moves! vacation swap Thanks, Cheryl.
My real estate agent.
So, my evil plan.
As you may know, the Montevillebad Grand Prix is a goodwill event, with all the prize money awarded to the winner's favorite charity.
So I entered the race for my favorite charity, Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, namely me.
I'm the Doofenshmirtz in Doofenshmirtz Evil [stutters.]
you get it.
And check it out! I re-engineered my Buhmshlaka 320i to meet the grand prix specs.
I also added some extras that should take care of, like, 99% of the playing field.
There's still that 1%, Paolo Vanderbeek.
But, uh, I got something else to take care of him.
Behold! My I-don't-care-inator! It's not that I don't care, it creates apathy in whoever it hits.
It's a little esoteric, I know, but trust me, it'll work.
I'll just zap Paolo with this baby, and suddenly he won't care about anything, and, uh, least of all racing.
I'll turn the "king of care" into the "king of I couldn't care less.
" Which will pave the way for me to win the race and the prize money for my favorite charity, which I think I said before is me.
Now, before I go, lest you try to escape, I'll show you one more feature of this place.
Look, it's got its own shark tank! [chuckling.]
Okay, then, I'm off to the races.
Literally.
Hasta la pasta, baby.
Adrian: Welcome back, racing fans, to the Montevillebad Grand Prix! And the teams are making the final preparations before the start of the race.
Including our favorite, Paolo Vanderbeek.
Nigel: Just look at the amazing amount of care and attention he pays to his fans and his car.
Listen to those fans, Paolo! They love you.
[grunting.]
Eh, who cares? Adrian: What's this? Paolo is walking away from the pit.
Nigel: And the race! [chuckling.]
What a shot! Norm, set me down next to the registration booth and you go get the car ready.
Roger, wilco, sir.
[all screaming.]
Adrian: Wait a second, there seems to be a last minute entry.
A Heinz Doofen Doofen [mumbles.]
I'm hopeless with Drusselsteinian names.
Hand that over, mate.
Let's see.
Dorkenshmitz? Doofen Doofenshmun Doofenshmuntz? No, that's utterly ridiculous.
Adrian: Whatever his name is, he's no Vanderbeek, that's for sure.
Nigel: There's the flag.
And they're off! Monogram: Psst! Agent P, over here.
Doof has shot Vanderbeek with some kinda Oh, right, he probably monologued his scheme to you already.
Anyhow, we need you to take Vanderbeek's place in the race.
Get that inator and get back here to reverse its effects so Vanderbeek can finish the race and defeat Doofenshmirtz.
Carl has been trying to convince Vanderbeek to get back in the race using his sophisticated powers of persuasion.
Come on, pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top? - I'll be your best friend.
- Yeah, you better get going, Agent P.
You can use the disguise setting on your Olson Martin.
Wow! The resemblance is uncanny.
Good luck, Agent P.
Nigel: What's this? Hello! It looks like Paolo Vanderbeek is back in the race! Wow, this isn't nearly as lame as I thought.
That's why our couch cushions are worn so unevenly, Because we're always on the edge of our seats.
Doofenshmirtz: Let's see if I can rub this guy the wrong way.
[chuckling.]
Nice bumpin' into ya.
Or maybe it's time to use a little elbow grease.
[tires squealing.]
All right, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Nigel: Approaching the Phillips head turn, millimetrically perfect! Adrian: Or .
04 inches perfect for backward people who don't use the metric system.
Nigel: Dumpendork is gonna have his work cut out for him if he wants to stay in the lead.
Uh, Paolo Vanderbeek! He's back? Eh, looks like I'm gonna have to throw the works at him.
There ya go.
Nigel: I say, that is an unprecedented amount of - contact shunts and shenanigans.
- Adrian: Shenanigans? Ian: You don't think there's some sort of foul play afoot? In grand prix racing? Don't be ridiculous! That kind of thing only happens in cartoons.
Looks like somebody needs another shot of the I-don't-care-inator! Doofenshmirtz: Oh! That's mine! Adrian: And that last contact has put Doofen [stammers.]
spinning across the course.
Nigel: And Vanderbeek is pulling into the pits.
What is wrong? Come on, what are you, chicken? [squawking.]
Good work, Agent P! Now we just need you to Oh, okay, yeah, you got that covered too.
Bocce balls! I cannot disappoint my fans! Ian: Doifenshmoitz has got himself going again with the help of an extremely large metal pit crew member.
This is without a doubt the weirdest race I've ever seen.
Grazie tanto, little beaver duck guy! [shouting in Italian.]
Ian: And Paolo is back on the course.
Adrian: He'll have to really put his foot in if he wants to catch Doofenshmintz by the end of the race.
[chuckling.]
Not to make excuses, but sometimes it's okay to be a little bit tacky.
Oh, maybe the tacks are supposed to be in the back.
Adrian: Dirkens splurtz has run himself off the course completely! [speaking French.]
Nigel: And Vanderbeek pushes past, just in time to seize the checkered flag! Well done! All: Whoo-hoo-hoo! - What an exciting finish! - Go, Paolo! Go, Paolo! That was awesome! Huh, I guess they're not doing anything today.
I am going to the mall and picking up a pleather jumpsuit.
Okay, did I win? Oh, wait, no! Oh, curse you, Paolo Vanderbeek! You know that just doesn't roll Perry the platypus, Perry the platypus.
And on that bombshell, we bid farewell from glamorous Montevillebad.
Doofenshmirtz' swanky new evil lair! Yeah, it's swanky! it's an even swap a variation on a timeshare you can use the kitchen and the hallway closet don't touch the rocket or you'll lose your deposit it's an old school evil hideout vacation swap