Plebs (2013) s05e04 Episode Script

- Try this.
It'll blow your mind.
- What is it? A technological innovation that will revolutionise our business.
Introducing the ice cube.
Sure.
I mean, I have seen ice before.
Like in winter, in puddles.
Yeah.
But how about in summer in drinks? It cools them down fast.
Sort of bonks against your teeth, don't it? - I mean, it is cold.
- Exactly.
Sweaty punters will be queueing up for these babies.
I honestly think it could be the new lemon slice.
Maybe we should combine them.
- Have you seen the fruit bowl? - Afternoon.
Here it comes now, on Grumio's head.
Can we have that back, please, Grumio? Washed first, ideally.
No chance.
Along with the bin lid, it's a key part of my sunshade.
That big yellow bastard's bloody throbbing out there.
- Just wear a hat, you weirdo.
- Not big enough, mate.
I want the coverage of a parasol with my hands free for wafting.
Sounds like someone would like an ice cube, Rome's hottest new garnish.
Or should I say coldest? No, you definitely shouldn't.
Well, don't eat it.
I've only got three of those.
As soon as word gets out about the ice, we'll be rammed.
We'll be doing pay rises, uniforms, the lot.
- Amazing.
Can't wait.
- Me neither.
Until then, however, we're empty so we're doing pay cuts.
And shift cuts.
Yours, mainly.
Well, look, no wozzas, boss.
I've actually got a cheeky little side hustle on the go right now - so I'm as flush as a brush.
- Side hustle? What side hustle? I've become a Knight of Eros if you must know.
Nosy.
A what? What the fuck is that? It's basically Rome's premier escort agency for the discerning woman.
She can't be that discerning if she's hiring you.
Au contraire, mon frere.
My penchant for neoteric verse made me the ideal companion to the poetry recital last night.
I'd have happily gone for free, but as it was, the lady in question give me 200 big ones.
- But you look like a dog's arse.
- With 200 big ones stuffed up it.
Water, barkeep, water, please.
Certainly, sir.
Coming right up.
Quick as you can, I'm late for a meeting.
- Rampant out there, innit? - And the rest.
I'm sweating like a priest at an orgy here.
In which case, you're bound to enjoy an ice cube.
A brand-new product guaranteed to keep you and your drink supercool.
Fill her up, son.
And don't let me forget this parasol.
I've lost two of the sodding things this week alone.
Of course.
And how was that ice for you? Refreshing, I bet.
- Tell you what you need, mate - Would you recommend it to a friend? - A hands-free parasol.
- Grumio, please All the convenience of a hat, all the coverage of a brolly.
- And going back to the ice - Where did you get that from? I made it.
It's mine.
Come and see me tomorrow.
Severus Galba.
Businessman.
I'm always on the hunt for new ideas.
Grumio.
Ideas man.
- Don't forget to come and see me.
- Don't forget your parasol.
So, Jason, what makes you think you've got what it takes to become a Knight of Eros? Well, for a start off, my dating game is on point.
- Is it really? How so? - I look good, I smell good, I always keep a lady's wine glass full to the brim.
Okay, that's too full.
I'm a great listener.
Or, like, I'm great at looking like I'm listening, but really, I'm zoning out.
Like this.
Right.
Impressive.
But I'm afraid our books are full.
As if! You took Aurelius and he's a massive dweeby douche.
Aurelius, Aurelius Oh, yes.
Him.
If that gimp's getting dates, I should be, too.
I agree, he's quite niche.
Niche ain't it.
He's a disgrace.
You're giving a lonely lady the worst night ever.
When she could be getting the night of her life.
Look out for number 42.
He didn't give us a time, did he? Didn't give us anything, mate.
I'm the one he wanted to see.
No, I know, but guys like this can be sharks, Grumio.
And you're some deformed little seal pup.
I'm just here to make sure you don't get eaten alive.
Well, I've run it past my backroom bods and they think it's a goer.
- Boom-ting.
- Boom-ting indeed.
And did you happen to mention the ice as well? - You what? - From your drink? - What are you doing? - Cos with a bit of seed money I could buy a huge block of the stuff.
Okay, listen, I'm not one to fuck about with foreplay, so I'll cut to the chase.
I like your idea, Grumio.
I want to develop it.
Fantastic.
So maybe we could develop both ideas in tandem.
Why are you still talking? In fact, why are you even here? This is between me and Grumio.
- He won't be told.
- It's not just between the two of you, I'm afraid.
You see, I happen to be Grumio's owner.
Are you now? Suddenly it all makes sense.
So, I also own all his intellectual property.
If you can call it that.
- I had an owner once myself.
- Really? - You were a slave? - Back in the day, yes, I was.
To another whiny little tit.
But you've got your own desk and door and everything.
Well, I had some smart ideas.
Seized my opportunities, made myself some moolah.
And you can do the same, son.
How's 200? - For what, sorry? - For Grumio.
I'll buy him off you, cut out the middle prick.
I'm not developing his ideas to make you rich, bozo.
Well, the two of us, we need to discuss it No, we don't.
He'll take it.
- What, really? - I want to go with him.
And get some moolah and a big fat desk.
He's a proper businessman, not some beaky numpty.
Atta boy, Grumio.
So, what do we say then, "master"? Have we got a deal? What? You sold our mate for a block of ice? Yeah.
Bought it off landlord.
It's a fair exchange, really.
One big lump for another.
I must say, I'm a huge fan.
It has a frosty beauty, a glimmering elegance, almost a sadness about it.
And it makes drinks colder.
That's the thing to tell people.
In fact, you two should get out there now and start handing out these flyers.
No, sorry, I can't.
I've got a theatre date in a bit.
What, do you really? That's curious.
Is it? Don't think so.
No, it's just that I had a theatre date myself through the agency, which was then cancelled.
And now here you are, a buffoon, with a theatre date all of your own.
What a coincidence.
Let's see.
Is your date with someone called Jocasta? No, it's with someone called something else.
Come.
All right, boss? Got some doodles to show you.
Good lad.
Let's have a squiz.
So, we swap the fruit bowl for a headband and put a sunshade in place of the bin lid.
This is top drawer, Grumio.
I got one of the grown-ups in product design to help me.
- So, go on, what are we calling it? - I were thinking the para-hat-asol.
Or the hands-free shady boy.
Good effort, but they're both shit.
How about we name it after its creator? Let's call it the Grumbrella.
I don't know what to say, boss.
I love it.
You can stop calling me boss for one thing.
We're partners in this.
In fact, I'm gonna get a partnership agreement drawn up for you to sign.
Wicked.
I mean, I'd have to draw up a signature - cos I don't actually have one of them.
- You do that.
In the meantime, work on these designs.
We've got a Grumbrella to launch.
All right, boss.
All over it.
Sorry, not boss.
Partner.
Mate.
Severus.
We give all we have to our husbands, throwing ourselves on the mercy of his lust! I think that was the finest production of Medea I've seen.
Yeah, I mean, that is true for me, too, as it goes.
You enjoyed it, then? I liked the costumes.
And the blood.
I thought it could have done with a couple of songs, you know, to lighten the mood.
I mean, that main lady, what's her name? - Medea.
- Yeah, she was a bit of a Debbie Downer, weren't she? Yes, you could say that, given that she kills her children to spite her cheating husband.
Hang on, did you say her name was Medea? Cos I just thought everyone was calling her "my dear" the whole time.
I'm gonna go and powder my nose.
- Where did you come from? - I knew it wasn't a coincidence.
You stole my date, you devious dog.
- Did you follow us here? - Via the play, yes.
Though I'm glad I did.
That was genuinely the best production of Medea I've ever seen.
Okay, well, piss off before Jocasta gets back.
No.
You piss off, you interloping shit! She should be here with me.
I'm not leaving now, mate.
I've not had my chicken burger yet.
Chicken burger.
I mean, you are so unsuitable for Jocasta, it's absurd.
- I insist that you let me take over.
- Okay, fine.
Tomorrow, we'll go and see that snooty bloke from the agency and he can decide who's the best man for the job.
- All right? - Bring it on.
Your funeral, fucko.
Amazing, right? Well, it's a huge block of ice, yes.
Still not quite sure why I had to come all the way down here, though.
So you could stroke it.
Go on.
It's so cold and hard.
I mean, I hate to pour cold water on it, Marcus, but there is a growing pool of cold water on the floor.
There was a bit of run-off, sure.
But you've got to try it.
See what you think.
I'm happy with room temperature water, to be honest.
Right.
Well, I guess your generation are pretty resistant to new technology.
Excuse me, "My generation"? You are a fair bit older than me, aren't you? Charming.
Do you point out the age of all your customers? - It may explain why you are empty.
- The customers will come.
Just as soon as word spreads about the ice.
And if they don't, you can just stand here stroking it all day.
Maybe stop doing that, actually.
You're making it melt faster.
- We had a rapport - You cannot send her back to him! - And frankly, I saw her first.
- Okay, enough! Shush now.
What exactly do you want me to do about this? - I want you to put him out of his misery.
- Choose one of us to continue dating Jocasta.
Well, maybe Jocasta could choose for herself.
As it happens, she came in with her feedback form this morning.
- Perfect.
What's she got to say? - Well, starting with you, Jason.
While she admits you were easy on the eye, she describes your date as stilted and intellectually arid.
Yes! In your face! Arid.
You, sir, are arid.
As for you, Aurelius, she praises your wit and sophistication, but found you visually challenging and compares you to a greased goat.
See? I told you you was butters.
Okay, so which one of us does she want to see again? It's not completely clear.
Neither of you.
Obviously.
Nor will I be keeping you on our books as it is evident that both of you fall short of the Knights of Eros standards.
Goodbye.
- Oh, my days.
This is huge.
- So huge.
This can't all be for Grumio, surely? Easy, lads.
Thanks for coming.
All right, chilli-dog, what's going on here? Who are all the togas? Just some influencers, a few journos, the odd celeb.
Severus likes to push the boat out for a product launch.
Grumio, it is quite a weird product.
So don't expect them all to love it.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Know what I mean? Cheers, Marcus.
I knew I could trust you to bring the good vibes.
I also brought some flyers about our ice.
Do you think I could maybe hand them to the influencers? - Definitely not, no.
- Right, listen up, everyone.
Oh, here we go.
Show time.
I'm just gonna pop them down here.
When I first clapped eyes on the inventor of this product, he reminded me a bit of myself.
A little slave with big ideas.
An idiot master holding him back.
All he needed was someone to give him a chance.
Grumio, come up here, son.
Introduce your idea.
So all it is basically is a big brolly.
But you don't have to hold it, cos it sits on your head.
And it's called the Grumbrella.
One for the lads.
Oh, no, mate Yes Lucky seven! So, I was thinking, maybe we should kick on and expand the range? Very sensible.
What are we talking? Well, I wanna do a big one with sparkly ends like a crown called a Maxigrum, and a double one you can wear with your mate called a Chumgrum.
I love it! You're on fire, Grumio.
I know I am.
So I've also invented a fancy new signature so that we can finish the partnership thingy.
Oh, that, yeah.
My lawyer is just putting the finishing touches to that so it's all nice and official.
But don't you worry about that.
You crack on with these new ideas, your little legend! Will do! Small stitches, dickhead, this is a quality product.
I mean, I got a one out of ten for appearance! - One! - That is harsh.
Even I'd give you a two.
What did I get? Eight.
But you got a nought for conversation, whereas I got a nine.
Between us, we'd have a near-perfect score.
It's a shame we're not one person.
- What if we could be? - How would that work? We go on dates together.
I'm not dating a one out of ten.
No, I mean, we pool our resources, take ladies out as a pair.
Oh, shit, yeah! So I do the looking good and you do the talking good.
- Talking well.
- Right.
This is what I mean.
Glass of water please, barkeep.
Ah, hello Grumio.
I see success has literally gone to your head.
Oh, this? It's just a Maxigrum, mate, a big ballsy bastard for fans of the brand.
Yeah man, congrats, the Grumbrellas are everywhere.
We are shifting stock, it's true.
- How's it going with the ice? - Great, thanks.
- Our stock is also shifting.
- Oh yeah? Cos people are buying it or cos it's melting onto the floor? Bit of both.
- Mainly melting though, ain't it? - What do you actually want, Grumio? - Why are you here? - Just came to say hi.
And to let you know that I'm hiring a PA.
Thought I'd give you first refusal.
And I refuse, thanks.
I've got bigger career ambitions than being my former slave's secretary.
Oh well, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, eh? - Are you sure this is the one? - Yeah, I stalked her home after our date.
- Stalked? - Walked.
Which one was it? Well, both actually.
I walked her some of the way and then stalked her the rest.
Jocasta, hey! Remember us? Oh, yes, hello.
You two know each other.
- How odd.
- We do indeed.
We're great buds.
What a charming story.
Now, I'm late for my chiropractor.
We won't keep you.
We're just here to pitch you a bold new take on the escorting industry.
Right, which is? Say hello to your favourite new agency, the Candy Boys.
I bring the eye candy, you see this.
He brings the ear candy, you hear that.
- Two for the price of one.
- Right.
But I still have to look at that as in him? I could stay out of your eyeline if you'd prefer.
I'd insist.
And you'd stay silent? He would.
And as our first client, we could give you the initial date half price.
Two for the price of ha Secretary! All right, all right, keep your brolly on.
- What is it now? - Anything in the in-tray? I'm waiting for a partnership thingy from Severus.
Well, we got a shitload more of these customer complaint letters in, yeah.
Frigging hell, what now? Some dopey bastard got a spoke in his eye from the Megagrum.
The Maxigrum.
If you're gonna be my secretary, - you've got to learn the product names.
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.
And then two more injured on the Mateygrum.
The Chumgrum.
Twisted their necks trying to go in opposite directions.
Numpties.
Oh yeah, this one says he's gonna sue.
Stupid bloody public fools.
Can't see genius when it pokes them in the eye.
So it's their fault, is it? Is that how we're gonna respond? No.
We're not responding at all.
- Bin 'em.
Bin all the bad ones.
- Lovely.
That is so much better.
And find me some fan mail, dammit, it's what I bloody well deserve.
It's getting smaller by the day.
Yeah, I mean it will do that, it's like an inbuilt design feature.
No, I know.
But there's gotta be a way to slow it down.
Well, pack it in ice.
Keep the ice nice and icy.
Right, and how about that ice? How do I keep that cold? Well, again, more ice and on it goes.
- It takes ice to keep ice.
- No, sorry, this is ridiculous.
New plan.
If the people won't come to the ice, the ice will have to come to the people.
Let's go, boys, we're hitting the streets.
Oh, no, sorry, we can't.
We've got a hot date.
What? Both of you? - Big times.
I bring the looks.
- And I bring the noise.
- And together we are - The Candy Boys.
- Bit weird.
- Good luck with it, though.
Stop melting my ice.
She's not gonna be looking at you, anyway.
I love this piece.
It's so vivid, static, - yet somehow full of life.
- Absolutely.
The blue veins of the Carrara marble seem to evoke the very blood pulsing through him.
You can almost hear the shrill hoot of his pipe being blown.
Ooh, sorry.
- Now, what do you know of this one? - Ionian.
Maybe 500 years old, a classic depiction of Ulysses beating off the one-eyed monster.
What would you stay is your favourite style of column? I like an Ionian, of course, who doesn't? But really, for me, it's fluted Corinthian, every day of the week.
Ice! Ice cube.
How many species of tree do you think you could name in this grove? I think I could manage all 48 of them.
Ice? Right you are.
Here you go.
I want a word with you.
'Ey up, Severus, I'm working on a new Grumbrella for kids.
It's called the Can-I-Have-One-Mum-Grum.
What do you reckon? I reckon you should wear a Bloody Prize Plumgrum, that's what I reckon.
Have you had any letters from lawyers recently? - Might have done, yeah, why? - About 40 of the flesh eating fuckers are threatening to sue me a new arsehole, that's why.
Punters keep getting skewered by your products.
The moaning minnies aren't still bleating on, are they? Not all of them, no.
One of them died.
Couldn't see past the massive spokes, got hit by a wagon! So he's not bleating on, but his family are bleating on very loudly.
Just get your lawyer to tell them to naff off.
He must have finished our partnership thingy by now, surely? No, he's I tell you what.
Why don't we forget about the partnership thingy and put the Grumbrella part of the business entirely in your name? - Yeah? Really? - Why not? It's your baby after all, I just helped yank it out of you.
Right.
So when my ideas are raking it in, you can't be arsed, but when they're making people mardy or, you know, dead, suddenly you want me to go it alone, is that right? I just want you to forge ahead, Grumio, be your own man.
But I reckon I'd rather be your man right now, boss.
Goodness me, what a downpour.
Well, all that humidity had to break sooner or later.
Yes.
Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
No, not you.
God, you plebeian oinking is a real passion killer.
That's your department back there.
Including, you want me to make pleasure noises as well? All the noises, that was the deal.
Ooh, mmm.
Ooh, lovely.
Jocasta Oh, Jason, you are sexy.
Oh, thank you.
I work out.
- Talk dirty to me.
- All right, yep.
I'm gonna wreck you, you filthy lady.
- Do your worst.
- I plan to.
Are you cool if we get a bit kinky? Yeah, of course, I'd love that.
You're gonna need a safe word in case things get a bit much.
Oh, right, like 'stop' or 'don't'? - Just pick one! - Mummy.
Let's, let's go with 'mummy'.
Oh yeah.
Here it comes.
Ooh, that's good.
I think.
742 classic Grumbrellas, 14 Maxigrums, five Chumgrums, a large mahogany desk, three ink pots and one small slave.
Poor old Severus.
Spends 25 years building up his business, meets you and then loses it all in a couple of weeks.
Might've known you'd sniff out a closing down sale, you tightwad.
Well, I thought I might buy a few Grumbrellas at a knockdown price.
I'm sorry for doubting you, Grumio.
It was actually quite a good idea, it turns out, until it killed people.
Cheers.
Don't suppose you fancy buying the inventor, do you? 55 dinari! Bloody hell.
I'll do you a discount.
I was stuck behind the sofa, how could I see what she was doing? Well, I've got wax burns on my ballbag now, thanks to you.
And who has 'mummy' as their safe word, you sicko? So I take it the Candy Boys have ceased operations? Yeah, well, I can't sit down.
That makes dinner dates a bit trickier.
Actually, have you got any more ice left? Yes.
There's, like, one tiny cube around somewhere.
I think I might have got it.
Don't bite it! That is well soothing.