Portlandia (2011) s05e04 Episode Script

Hey! Are you an art student? You're not answering because you're an art student.
You just want to keep quiet and just sit there and sulk.
Well, if you are an art student, come down to Shocking Art Supplies.
Shocking Art supply and craft.
You want to be radical? This is the radical store for you.
We're talking about shock, we're talking about authenticity, rebellion, subversion.
- Urban.
- Urban.
Urban.
Urban.
We've got everything here for your art school needs.
[Glass shattering.]
Pre-smashed TVs! Get a whole stack of TVs.
You could pile a bunch of these and run static through it, so it's like [Choppy static.]
"Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
" Mission accomplished.
We've got baby doll parts.
Ahh! You can put them together in any way you want.
It's up to you.
And Shepard here will help you out.
This is a radical juxtaposition.
_ What does that say about our society? We've got mannequins.
And stencils.
[Can hissing.]
[Applause.]
Ugh, riot cops! We've got American flags.
Upside-down flags! $20.
Why do we charge $20 for these? 'Cause they do that.
We want you here, because you know what we have? Shocking Art Supplies.
And you get a 20% discount if you're hunched over and you've got an army jacket.
Mm-hmm.
[Washed Out's Feel It All Around playing.]
This is our next jam.
Our target, Japanese whaling boats.
- Yes.
- Like it.
Whaling-- it's so cruel.
- Awful.
- It's messed up.
We're gonna hit these bastards right where they work.
Yes.
Take our little boats, go all around, just ruin their time.
Wow.
We'll get up into the steering wheel and like, as he's steering, you know, they have this thing, just put our arm there.
Oh, yeah.
But, like, right in front of his face, just like Sorry, what time is it? Protest time.
Arm out.
They're done for the day.
Where exactly does this take place? Antarctica.
Isn't that, like, the coldest place in the world? I would say yes.
We could explore the idea of protesting somewhere warm.
I agree.
I mean, my sister, she just went to Hawaii, and I saw the pictures, and they were beautiful.
It's like-- I bet there's something kind of, like, messed up about about, like, the surfing industry we could protest.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe we do, like, stop stealing all the seashells.
- Right.
- Yes.
The problem is it's not cheap to get to Hawaii.
I know.
San Diego.
- Sea World! - Yes.
That's perfect! Whales! - They're the worst.
- No-- The whales go crazy and then they kill the trainers.
But do you know why that happens? It's because it's in captivity.
I mean, not to talk down to you, but that's kind of what's going on.
That's a new perspective on it.
It's not a perspective.
It's actually what's happening.
It's what's happening.
It's not that the whales are the worst; it's the treatment of the whales is the worst.
I mean, I'm open to going to San Diego and exploring it and getting a tan, and Well, let's protest.
I mean, not only is there great protesting, but there's the fish tacos; there's the walkable neighborhoods; there's the Gas Lamp district.
Gas Lamp.
Yeah, but we're there to protest.
Hey, Benji, you think you might cut that rattail before we go to San Diego? I've got friends who love this.
Who? Brandon? Oh, come on.
This is beautiful.
You wish you had one.
That's what you told me.
We were at that market, and you were like, "I love it! I love that rattail! Get me it!" You were st-- You're gonna deny it? [Sighs.]
All right.
San Diego.
Let's go down there, free the whales, protest, and we're not gonna freeze our buns off.
[Upbeat rock music.]
[Clock ticking.]
[Phone chiming and vibrating.]
[Beeping.]
[Engine turns over.]
[Phone vibrates.]
- Hello? - Peanut.
Peanut, come in.
- Where are you? - Approaching terminal five.
You cannot underestimate or overestimate the amount of time it's going to take you to get through these cars.
This is where you can't mess up.
Shh.
You have to be in the slow lane if you need to stall for time.
You have to be in the fast lane if you need to make up for time.
Do not talk to me like I don't know what I'm doing and I haven't done this before.
Listen to me, if you have to go around again, then I'm getting a vanilla latte.
Shh! You-know-who might hear us.
I'm sorry.
[Whispering.]
Anyway, it's our best last hope.
Come on, buddy.
They're looking right at me.
They spotted me.
Hey, Subaru, let's go! Just going right now.
I need more time.
All right.
I've got an idea.
[With an Australian accent.]
Hello, I'm his twin brother.
Going in there from Australia, but did a bit of backpacking, and I got my 'noculars, look around, can't believe I'm here.
- Wow.
Look at this.
- You got to move.
Okay, I'm moving.
Cancel.
Cancel, cancel.
Don't leave me.
You didn't listen.
Cancel.
Cancel.
Got to go.
Eagle spotting me right now.
Move.
Should've scheduled better.
Hey! - Uh! - Wow.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How was the flight? - It was fine.
Oh, good.
Yeah, they really tried to move me, and I was, like, all freaking out and everything.
Oh, my God, I was, like, racing through the airport.
- I was, like, zigzagging-- - Shh! I can't sleep! Did I tell you I made a will? You did? Do I get anything? Yeah, you get my guitars.
Okay, if anything happens to me, you get a ba-- Psst! Fred! Carrie! It's me.
The Mayor.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hi, Mr.
Mayor.
I need some help.
It just seems like, to ensure my legacy, I need some kind of a conspiracy around my administration.
What do you mean, "a conspiracy"? You know, like a video.
You want us to help you make a conspiracy video? - Can you do that? - Yeah.
- We can help you.
- Great.
I'll meet you inside.
Okay, you should start off with, like, just all black.
Good.
And then what we'll do is, let's have, like, a quote.
Yeah, quotes are good.
"Behind the eyes of those in power lies the questions that go unanswered.
" - Ooh.
- Right.
And let's attribute that quote to "Unknown.
" I like that.
That's good.
I like it.
Okay.
Let's get some footage of you.
There's plenty of stuff out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Now, why don't we do, like, one of those oval highlights around? - Those are always really good.
- Oh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, so, like, around that? Okay.
All right.
Now make it back and white.
Speaking of black and white, my idea is to put forth that the Mayor has been around for millennia.
So you are looking back at, like, cave paintings, and you're like, "Wait a second.
Is that the Mayor?" - That's interesting.
- Civil War - Like, could he be there? - Okay.
Look at the Moon landing.
Hey, is that the Mayor? - It's the Mayor.
- World War I, World War II.
- Could it be? - The Last Supper.
Let's say there's, like, a video from Napoleon's time.
Right? So there he is.
Napoleon is going by in his carriage.
[Making rattling noise.]
And you look past the horse and there's, like, a little oval highlight-- "Oh, my God.
Is that the Mayor?" And then it's over.
The horse is, like, in front of him, and we don't know.
- So it's like this-- - But wait, wait, wait, wait.
With the footage, are we re-creating it? Do you want to hire actors to film something like-- - I think there must be some footage.
Can't we find some footage of Napoleon's carriage? They didn't even have photographs, so how did they have film? We just don't know.
We just don't know.
Type "French Revolution" into YouTube.
Okay, let's do it, then.
There's-- Hey, look.
It's all painting.
Then let's do a painting and we'll superimpose the Mayor's face over one of the bodies in the painting.
That's right, Ken Burns does that all the time.
All right.
So here's a painting.
What do you want to do with this? So if we take this, perhaps, maybe the fellow that's right there, you just take that face and you just move it ever so slightly, eye open.
Which guy? Mr.
Mayor.
- Eye opens ever so slightly.
- Am I animating it? We think he's dead, but he's not really dead.
He's winking.
And he looks a little bit like the Mayor, but he's winking at us like "I know something that you don't know.
" Okay, how do I make that face look like your face? See? I'm winking a little bit.
Like that? Okay.
We want his face on there.
Now scratch it up a little bit.
Can you make it sort of scratchy so it-- Maybe someone tore it from the camera.
Is it a video? What is it? - No.
It's a postcard.
- It's a postcard.
Wait, wait, wait, guys.
Time-out.
Time-out.
Why is there a postcard? What happened to this conspiracy video? No, it's not a conspiracy video anymore.
- It's a conspiracy postcard.
- That's true.
Are we sending these out? Why is there-- How are people getting this postcard? I think people can find them at the airport.
We can sell them at the kiosk.
So now we're designing a postcard with your face on it.
People will buy these like hotcakes.
They're gonna pick, you know, the Portland skyline or The Timbers.
They're not gonna pick a French painting with a winking dead guy in the corner.
How are they gonna see that? It's the Mayor.
[Soft elevator music playing.]
[Suspenseful music.]
[Bell dings.]
[Upbeat rock music.]
let's go sit back, sip that you are now in California [Buttons clicking.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What do you guys think? Sea World? - Yeah.
- Protest? So when we get down there, we're gonna tell 'em what it's about! Lay it down! I was gonna suggest that maybe before we go to do that, we check out all the fun things of San Diego, because once we get the whale, the cops are gonna be after us.
It's gonna be-- They're open till 9:00, so we have some hours.
Want to do noon? Okay, so we got a couple hours till the protest, but until then, fun! - See you back here.
- Okay.
Bye, guys.
[Reggae music.]
this is crazy! [Man singing indistinctly.]
[Laughing.]
San Diego's the best! I've never had so much fun.
- Me neither.
- I love it.
- Hey, Benji.
- San Diego! - Right? - What a place! - I know! - You look beautiful.
Thank you.
They're kind of like rattails, wouldn't you say? - Not really.
- They're cornrows.
- That's a rattail.
- There's a difference.
- Fine.
- I met someone.
That was fast! Yeah, I mean, we'll see, but it's feeling really good so far.
- Does he have a friend? - I'm gonna ask.
Hey, I had fish tacos.
- How was it? - Unbelievable.
So, so great.
What do you guys think? Sea World? I was actually thinking, could we push the protest back till 3:00? - 3:00 sounds good.
- 3:00.
Then once we get down there, we got to tell them really what we're about! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
All right? We're gonna lay it down! - See you.
- See you then! Bye! this is crazy! [Man singing indistinctly.]
Oh, my God.
Yes! It-- Literally the most beautiful place you can ever go to.
- It's magic here.
- Stunning views.
- Yeah.
Are you all right? - I love it.
Yes.
I had margaritas.
- You-- Did you? - Yeah.
It was awesome.
I can smell it.
I will say the doorman's a fucking asshole, 'cause he think he's got an attitude when you try to go in-- It's a hotel.
- He's just there to help.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
I'm being a dick.
- Don't worry about it.
- Jeff's having a party tonight.
- Who's Jeff? - Jeff's my boyfriend.
- Oh, you guys made it official? - Yeah.
- He's a lucky dude.
- You guys are all invited.
He really wants to meet you.
After Sea World we'll go? Oh, right.
I was supposed to drive the getaway car.
I just-- honestly, I'm probably not fit to drive.
And if the cops pull me over, I'm fucked.
We could do that tomorrow and party tonight and then go right into Sea World.
I totally want to go to that party.
Let's go to the party.
You want to go to a party? I love San Diego so much.
- I know.
- I could cry.
Don't.
Like, don't.
All right.
I won't.
All right, I'll see you guys in a few hours.
Yes.
See you guys! [Contemplative music.]
Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.
And I'm Lisa Eversman.
At our store, Dead Pets, we have something for the taxidermy lover of all ages.
These are the animals we have available to you today.
Bella the Bat.
This is to let people know that you are definitely counterculture, definitely interesting, a little on the darker side.
One time, my nephews came over and I put this little guy on a string and I just, like, whipped it around like this.
It scared them so much.
- Bryce is a great uncle.
- They were so frightened.
This is a beaver.
People thought, "Oh, how cute.
You decided to put a hat on him.
" No, he died wearing this hat.
Dead Pets.
Ow! God damn it.
Is it bleeding? No.
I like to think that this deer is saying, "Well, my ex-wife did this.
Hey, at least I'm not hanging out with my mother-in-law.
" Dead Pets.
- Hello? - Hello.
Is this where the party is? Brit? Oh! - Hi! - And friends.
Yes! Hi! - Hey.
- Hi.
- Oh! - [Laughing.]
These are my friends.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Who's this? - That's Benji.
That's Dakota.
That's Brandon.
Welcome to the party.
You're the first ones here.
Yeah.
Mm, what do you think of this unit? Beautiful.
I love it.
I just love everything about it.
Want a little tour? You want to look around? Yeah.
So this is the master, and it's, uh-- uh, fully furnished, like all these places, and then, of course, this lovely, lovely bathroom.
Here it is of which I spoke.
Oh, my gosh.
Every time.
It's magical.
I find it magical.
You got a view of this delicious harbor, and, you know, you're steps away from a Whole Foods.
Do you like Whole Foods? - Yes.
- Yeah.
I-I-I-I love it.
And here we are, back-- mmm-- in the living room.
Hey, let me ask you guys something.
How many times a year do you come to, um, San Diego? - It's our first time, really.
- This is our first time.
- Do you stay in a hotel? - Yeah.
So expensive around here, aren't they? - It's insane.
- Yeah.
This unit that you've been looking at-- for $3,000, you could have access to it for six weeks a year.
Isn't there supposed to be, like, a party here tonight or something? Well, can I make a little confession? There's actually no party.
I'm hoping the upshot of which is to sell you on this idea of timeshares.
Take a look at that.
That's why I had that out.
Oh, this looks pretty good.
So this was the party? Uh, yeah.
It's all pretty much-- It's pretty simple.
- Cut and dry.
- Mm-hmm.
Brandon, you want to get the checkbook out? Who do we make it out to? Sea World.
They own everything around here.
- Sea World.
- It goes to Sea World.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Sea World? - Yeah.
What's the matter? This is why we came down here.
- To protest Sea World.
- We're anti Sea World.
- They're not directly - Yes.
They are directly.
Let me tell you something.
There's literally a whale on the contract.
Hmm.
I know I got lured in by the tacos and the jet skis and the margaritas and everything, but it's a trap.
No, it's a wonderful place.
This is a wonderful vacation spot.
Let me show you what we think of that.
That's a big waste of paper, isn't it? We're not interested.
You've got the wrong people, 'cause I think we're kind of not suckers.
I think you misunderstood.
No.
You know what? We got to go.
- Brit, come on.
- Come on, Brit.
- Let's get out of here.
- I think I'm gonna stay.
What? I think you guys should go.
- [Sighs.]
- Are you sure? Yeah.
I'm sure.
- Oh, jeez.
Gross.
- All right.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry.
We'll clean this up.
Thanks, Brandon.
This was real, right? Yeah.
[Upbeat rock music.]
Okay, so we're here to set up your will, and I know it's not the most fun thing thinking about death, but this way, at least, everything will be taken care of.
I think it is fun thinking about death.
I was more looking forward to this than I am my birthday this year.
Okay, so, Vince, let's start with you.
Uh, what would you like to do with your personal property? My collection of capes and top hats I would bequeath to my loved one, Jacqueline.
Thank you.
My collection of wax faces and wax heads that are encased in glass-- they look like Jacqueline, I'd love for her to take care of them, and I've got, uh, a painting that looks like, uh, a normal aristocrat, but then when there's lightning, it's just like-- - Do you want that one? - I do.
And, Jacqueline, what about you? A player piano from a haunted stagecoach.
Do you want that? Please.
- Vince.
- Okay.
Tears from a Scottish deerhound.
Vince.
And what about funeral services? Any special instructions there? Uh, I would like it to be in an old, decrepit, abandoned church at the top of a hill.
There should be some shrieks heard in the distance, and-- Who's shrieking? Who isn't shrieking? We'll have, like-- we'll have a professional shrieker.
It should be, like, old, wooden doors [Imitating door creaking.]
Uh, with a greeter at the door, like [In a spooky voice.]
"Are you here for the funeral?" Okay.
And then, all of a sudden, the coffin opens, and there's no body.
Where would your body be located? I want to be cremated.
Great.
And what about you, Jacqueline? I would like my body dragged out to a dimly-lit field by jackals and left there to rot.
Would you be willing to consider just having, like, a coffin and be buried in that? Fine, two jackals towing a coffin to a field, and then let me rot.
Okay.
And it should be at midnight, so if there's lightning, it's like [Roaring.]
Okay, do you have any property that you would need to have taken care of if you pass on simultaneously? Bella.
And who's Bella? Our bat.
Okay, and who would you like to take care of Bella? We like you.
You seem very responsible, and that's what we'd want.
What's involved with taking care of Bella? You have to make sure that she's safe and able to get into her cave.
There's a lot of fluttering.
- You know, like, at night.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, so I think I have pretty much everything-- And the shriek? Yeah, we'll have to audition for that.
You're great.
[Shrieking.]
Okay, we'll call you if they die within your lifetime.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
[Bat fluttering.]
Bella, go to your cave! [Dramatic music.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Light, upbeat music.]
Next in line, please.
Hey, welcome to Sea World San Diego.
- How may I Shamu? - Hi.
Where's the exhibit where they mistreat the whales? Oh, you mean the 4D Experience? What's the 4D Experience? There's a big screen at Super Imax, and we give you special glasses.
Oh, what kind of glasses? They're 3D, but the music makes it 4D.
They splash you with water and stuff.
That would be super fun, right? No, we have a purpose.
Oh, the Find Your Porpoise is actually really terrific.
No, not that.
Wherever you mistreat these animals, that's where we want to go.
I think you might enjoy the Orchasmic Experience.
What? You get wet checking out the world's largest and most majestic sea mammals.
So you sell that to kids? Unless you guys are students.
Then we can also give you guys a different deal.
Are you still in school? Did you graduate? What was your major? You don't even know.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Look, we came here for a reason, okay? To release an animal, to release a whale into the wild, back into the ocean.
That's where they belong.
But Benji, we didn't bring equipment for that.
We didn't plan for that.
We can't just carry a whale out of here.
I want to save something.
- Look out! - Benji! Excuse me, please.
Benji! If you want a free something, we have a buy-two-get-one-free.
It's a family package.
It's all-inclusive, there's a three-hour tour.
Move! Move, please.
Live fish.
Come on! Let's get out of here! Hey, you can't do that.
- What is that? - It's a fish.
That's what they feed the whales.
- You rescued it? - It's alive.
Benji, you saved an animal from Sea World, just like we said we were gonna do.
- Yeah! - You did it.
We did it! set me free set me free let me live so I can learn to lose my way you got to set me free got to set me free let me live inside this world of mine Oh.
Sorry, little guy.
Let's try again.
All right.
Come on, buddy.
Here you go.
[Upbeat music.]
[Dolphin clicking.]