Rake (2010) s05e04 Episode Script
Gold and Greene v Red
1 Oh, shit.
Sorry, mate.
I was wondering if you would like to come to Canberra some time.
I'm try to set up a steering committee.
We're meant to be living in your fabulous harbour view apartment on your multimillion-dollar salary but, no, instead you decide to lodge another appeal against your brother and are living in this dump.
My father promised me that painting.
Piece of shit painting, with three cows eating grass.
So with Missy, you brought her to my house for a couple of days and that was almost two years ago.
So you know what, I think it is your turn.
(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMING) She has been lying to all of us to create a persona.
She is a 100% fraud.
Senator Greene, you'll be hearing from my lawyers as early as tomorrow morning because no-one calls me a bald-faced liar and doesn't pay for it.
At 1530 hours Eastern Standard Time, I informed the Governor General that following a successful leadership challenge in the party room, I have been elected the leader of the Federal Parliamentary Liberal Party.
His Excellency then commissioned me to form a government.
Tomorrow the sun will rise on Anzac Day as we honour those who gave so much so that we might have the freedoms that we enjoy.
I'm only too cognisant of the significance and grave responsibility bestowed upon me.
MAN: Prime Minister, is there blood on your hands? WOMAN: Do you have the backing of the whole party? I acknowledge the enormous contribution made by my predecessor, Angela Sway in her long 28 weeks in office.
Let me assure you there is no divisional rancour within my government.
We are a broad church but united in the great dream of what this country can become.
MAN: Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! The whole party room sings a song of cohesion and positivity about the great tasks that lie ahead.
(TYRES SCREECHING) (BANG!) (BANG!) (BANG!) Oh, you b You know you are due in Senate, don't you? There's a special sitting.
And an English couple rang wanting your address.
Oh, my God! My new buzz state people, is that today? You do know that it is probably illegal and it could be seen as you profiting personally from serving the Commonwealth.
It's a murky area of law.
They're English, Cleaver, they're not going to survive your squalor.
Fuck.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Senator Cleaver Greene? - Yes.
Mr Clifford? Where is Mrs Clifford? No luggage? That is fine.
Come in.
I am just putting the finishing touches on your roof.
- Good morning.
We are the Cliffords.
- Good morning.
Oh, you're the Cliffords? I had understood that there were only two of you.
There are.
Two.
Alright.
OK.
I'm sorry.
Come on in, Cliffords.
Come in.
Make yourselves at home.
You're not a Clifford.
You are Senator Cleaver Greene? Yes, sadly yes.
Well, then Consider yourself served.
Are you kidding me? A summons? Who is it? Let me guess.
- Penelope - Penelope Evans.
Yes, yes, here we go.
Defamation.
Traduced and lowered her standing.
Are you kidding me? What special class of moron does that? Huh? Accused the plaintiff of deceit and dishonesty in a malicious attempt to damage her politically.
Can you believe this shit? (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, great.
Excuse me, that will be my firing squad, Cliffords.
Oh! Have I woken up in a French vase? Reporting for duty, boss.
I am so ready for this.
Your press secretary, wow! I guess it's not wow but it is an opportunity.
I didn't study journalism but Wendy said not to be discouraged because I'm a good writer with a brain and I really need this.
So, thanks.
So, Wendy said all that, did she? Good.
I am pretty good at making stuff up.
So I should be fine.
- Good.
- Bathroom? - Uh where should we? - You go upstairs.
There, take my room.
I will sleep on the sofa.
- Great.
She really needs a nap, so - Yes.
A couple of hours, though.
- See you at the house.
- Yes.
Give us a call before you come in.
I have a few admin issues to iron out.
Have you got a plunger? Your sink is clogged with hair.
I followed up my degree at the Harvard School of journalism with four years at Reuters on their international desk and then the Guardian.
You are horribly overqualified for a Press Secretary.
Do you know anything about the man that you would be working for? - Senator Greene? - I know he is a maverick.
Maverick is a word.
He was strong on farmers' rights.
- On the environment.
- Strong is also a strong word.
- OK, I need the job.
- Mm-hm.
I have two kids, we moved here, my husband is a lobbyist.
Newspapers now, they're putting off more people than they can sell issues.
He is a bit of a nut job, isn't he? Yes.
That is the correct choice of words, yes.
Roland fucking Webster, eh? Mate, I thought I had your unequivocal support.
Roland's purely a stopgap.
Six months to keep the moderates happy.
Then we make our move.
Does he know the real story with the terrorist attack? No.
Why burden him with the details? He is just the PM.
Let him rabbit on about security, that always plays well.
We just need to get this Noyce business through the Senate.
You know that Penny Evans has got her knickers in a knot over it, don't you? (LAUGHS) Look at the little pig.
We can't afford getting sued in your present circumstances.
Mate, I can't afford fucking lunch.
Alright? The banks won't budge.
I'm living out of your piggybank.
And now this lunatic is suing me.
I can continue to act as this banking facility for you but obviously we must do this covertly.
In time I will adhere to our arrangements.
I do this because I regard you as my friend and not just my client.
Yeah, likewise.
- A close friend.
- Yeah.
And one day maybe you will be in a position as a friend to do me a favour.
Oh.
Yes.
Of course.
Thanks, mate.
This government, with its hatred of the ordinary Australian, is basically prepared to let one of Australia's most loved icons, the Oz Ripple, slip through our hands and into the all too willing grasp of the Chinese people.
Senator, put your prop down! Unless us, as Australians, stop the sale of Noyce Industries to the Chinese, this ice-cream that has been so much a part of the lives of ordinary Australians will slip through Noyce Industries' hands and into the ever clasping, ever grasping clutches of a communist regime.
Bit by bit, Australia is being handed over to any Chin or Chan with money.
Senator, you've been warned.
And look what they are proposing to do with the centre of our beloved ice-cream.
Senator, you have been warned! Gone will be the green and gold of my childhood, replaced with a giant red blob.
A giant red communist blob.
(HUBBUB) Well, as leader of the Penny Evans party, I say to you, Australia will never have a red heart as long as there is breath breath in my body.
(PEOPLE ASSENT) Just look at her application.
This woman is fantastic, Cleaver.
Yes.
Yes.
She seems to have wasted a lot of time in New York, London, Syria, Iraq, blah, blah.
I mean, I am after somebody with a bit more of a domestic focus.
She is a Walkley award-winning journalist, Cleaver.
They give them away in cornflakes packets.
Just leave it with me.
I am onto it.
I am brewing something up.
Have you told Frank he's fired yet? Not as such.
He is a sensitive soul.
He is a lump of basalt, Cleaver.
He may have taken a few too many knocks to his head in his sporting career.
Well, a few more might have been good.
- You sack him.
- I'm going to.
- When? - Today.
- When today? - When he sobers up.
And what are you going to do about this defamation case? - Oh-ho - Cleaver.
This could kill your career and I need this job.
- So - I know, I know.
Oh, my God.
So I said to her, this was on the Tuesday On the Tuesday, yeah.
If Bryce and I are going to go to the Blue Mountains and have this weekend, and really talk about our relationship, honestly and frankly Mm-hm.
Oh, no.
Correction, sorry.
I said this to her on the Wednesday.
Oh, OK, on the Wednesday, yeah.
Because on the Tuesday morning I had breakfast with Simone.
On Tuesday morning.
And I knew full well that Natalie was going to opt out of that breakfast, and sure enough, come Monday night Oh, Monday night.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Gosh.
Um I think we are getting into some really interesting territory here but I need to check on something and I'll OK? (SIGHS) (MUFFLED YELL) (SIGHS) (EXHALES) Mm.
Um So, it was Monday night.
No, actually.
In fairness to Natalie, it was Sunday evening Oh, OK.
.
.
that she rang.
Well, that makes a difference.
What is it about a green and yellow striped something that makes it particularly Australian? - Green and gold.
- It's not even the colour of our flag.
It is meant to be wattle, isn't it? Well I mean It is also the colours of Ethiopia, Mauritania, Bolivia, Burkina Where the fuck is Burkina Faso? I mean, it's an ice-cream.
What is so special about an ice-cream? Well, for me, I had some pretty special memories of my childhood.
My dad would take me fishing on Yamba jetty and if I caught something he would say, "Nic, I reckon that deserves an Oz Ripple, don't you?" Alright, well, a heart-warming tale.
But he never forgot that either.
When he was dying that was almost the last thing he talked about.
OK.
Genuinely moving.
But but haven't we got bigger issues to fry in this country? We do but that would require you to open one of these folders and read what is in it and actually form an opinion on something.
Yeah, not going to happen.
3-points, ladies and gentlemen.
You know that you mentioned the Oz Ripple in your 90-hour maiden speech? - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- You did.
You called it the Oz Ripper.
Oh, the Oz Ripper? Yes.
You asked me to gather some Aussie icons so you could sound like a man of the people and I suggested the Oz Ripple.
It was only one that had not been flogged off that I knew of.
Well, we don't make anything here.
We are a proud nation of baristas and hairdressers.
Penny Evans is getting hit after hit about it on social media.
About the Oz Ripper? Ripple.
- Ripple.
Yes.
- Ripple.
Oz Ripple.
Positive or negative? A quarter of a million positives.
- You're kidding me.
- No.
- Fucking Oz Ripper.
Ripple.
- Ripple.
- Holy shit.
- Ripple.
My old man was not much of a talker.
Our special time was the hours we'd spend together fishing off the old Yamba jetty.
Just him and me, father and son.
A battered old fishing cap, pulled down over his balding pate.
Pinkies inking on the old schnozz.
How I relish those days.
Days I now share with my own son.
And when he was a little fella and he would reel in the occasional flatty sand whiting, and I would turn to him and I would say, "Gee, son "I reckon that one is worth an Oz Ripple.
" And we would bite into that choc-coated map of this nation.
It was the last thing I shared with my old man before he died.
For me, this is a deeply personal crusade.
There are others who have jumped on the bandwagon but, for me, it is personal.
What are we going to leave our children or our children's children or our children's children's children, if not this? Hear, hear.
Don't you Yamba me, you little ferret.
How dare you grandstand on my bloody issue? I will take you down.
I got your little writ.
You must be the only person in human history to sue someone who is accusing them for being more intelligent than they actually are.
You so don't get politics.
I know how this place works and I am going to hurt you.
You do, every time you speak the Queen's English.
Oz Ripple is mine, lady.
I checked Hansard.
You called it the Oz Ripper.
Or perhaps you were celebrating some Australian mass murderer.
You handpick history like grapes, do you know that? You take the ones you like and spit out the bits that don't suit.
You're just a criminal dilettante, Cleaver.
You have nothing to say about anything.
I'd respect you more if you were a genuine old-fashioned, tar and feather bigot.
To affect racism and not actually believe in it yourself, that is about as low as you can get without being an actual virus.
Oz Ripple is mine.
It's mine.
Cal, put your mind at ease.
Nothing changes.
You are still our number one big boy around here.
We thought you might spark better off someone young and pretty.
I might spark better if I'm left well alone.
We're trying to bring in a younger audience to hear your wisdom.
Hmm.
But she's too young.
And she lacks experience and she does not have my gravitas.
We hear you.
If it does not work out, poof.
She is gone.
Your call.
- That quick.
Nothing changes.
- Excellent.
What the hell is that? Strong, isn't it? But it's my show.
100%.
The sign is just a sign.
You two are going to have a lot of fun.
The big issue, the one I really want to get stuck into tonight and, gee, this gets my dander up You need to watch that at your age, Cal.
is all this kerfuffle about the sale of an ice-cream.
This is the sale of a major manufacturing company and may cement our economic future with China.
Sales like this won't help everyone.
Sounds like someone's superfund might have shares in them, Cal.
Is it in your best interest if this goes through? My personal share portfolio has nothing to do with this, Caitlyn.
Don't we love him, girls, when he becomes Mr Old Grumpy Pants? He is adorable.
Like our old favourite uncle, isn't he? Even though he is so very wrong.
Oh, I'm not wrong.
Yeah, you are.
This ice-cream has been part of our heritage ever since the Noyce family began production over 70 years ago and built themselves into the massive Australian concern they are today.
This is not just about a delicious ice-cream, it is about who we are as a people.
As today, ANZAC Day, we celebrate the heroes of both wars, where young men gave their very lives in service of our country.
What did those green and gold stripes really mean? And are we going to settle for a red blob in the middle of our country? Is that really what you want for us, Cal? Ha! Let us get a weather update.
(SIGN-OFF MUSIC) OK, what the fuck just happened? What happened to the script? OK, that is coffee.
That's cold coffee.
I didn't have time to heat it.
You have stained my shirt, crazy lady.
You've stained my memories.
That was MY personal story.
Pardon me, but if you look at your job discretion, you will see that you are actually described as my researcher.
Yeah? And so therefore anything you tell me, I will assume to be research and that I can use it unless otherwise specified.
You are an arsehole.
Use that.
On the upside, your research has really It was not research, Cleaver, that was my personal story about my late father.
Whatever the derivation, incredible result.
Have a look for yourself.
I'm running red hot on social media right now.
Red hot! You don't happen to have any other stories that you can? OK, now is probably not the right time to talk about that.
But have a think about it.
Is there a change of shirt in here you could help me out with? It's hanging out, Cleaver.
Have you sacked him yet? The weight is in these Dickie Dougie Suits or emu suits.
They can do the glassy thing.
Go around and pick up the glass OK.
Just having a one-on-one with Ryan Fefney.
Some very interesting intel vis-a-vis a number of issues apropos what we are dealing with.
- What are we dealing with? - Well, exactly.
How do you want me to play this ice-cream thing? Frank Look Nicole has raised a few concerns.
She is not up to it.
Sorry to interrupt.
I have to tell you as a mate you have got to ditch her.
It is funny you should say that because she seems worried about you.
She doesn't see what I do.
Very few do.
See, she is worried and I am worried that you've taken on too big a load.
You you look exhausted.
Unseen stress goes with the job.
It's killing you and I'm not going to live with your death on my hands.
So what Here's an idea.
We cut back your days a bit, reduce that incredible workload and make sure you're in it for the long haul.
How would you see my new role, then? You will be the basalt upon which my future is built.
I need you right here at the epicentre of contemporary Australian political thought.
This bar.
Yeah? Listening.
Talking.
Doing all the vital one-on-one stuff.
Would I still be the press officer? No, no, no.
I'm promoting you.
You're going to be my director of communications.
Wow.
Big responsibility! Yes, yes.
It's a big responsibility.
Just over the next little while, whenever you see Nicole, just give her a wide berth because she's gonna be green with envy.
Alright? And her her neck's on the chopping block.
You're absolutely sure about this? - 100%.
- Have you spoke to the auditors? Yes.
Did you call those numbers I gave you? - Yeah.
- Jesus.
Confirm it again.
You know what this means if we're right? CLEAVER: I said I'd think about taking Missy on, not actually take her on.
I know she's fragile at present, but I don't have a bed or anything for her or the baby.
I need a proper press secretary.
I'm making significant headway opposing this Oz Ripper sale.
This will put me on the map, but I need someone with real experience, do you know what I mean? Working the press 24/7.
Call me the moment you get this message.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Press 4 to replay this message.
I said I'd think about taking Missy on, not actually take her on.
OK, so your job is to generate stories about me.
OK? It doesn't matter what, any old bullshit, it's just noise.
OK? As long as I'm front and centre.
So at the moment I need as much exposure as possible about this Oz Ripper.
- Ripple.
- Ripple.
Yeah, I heard Penny Evans talking about it.
Actually, she made a lot of sense.
- No, she doesn't.
She's a mad person.
- Oh.
Yes, we hate you hate her and you must do everything in your power to destroy her.
OK, fair enough.
Now, we haven't talked about my working arrangements yet.
OK, now as I'm sure Wendy mentioned, you would be job sharing.
Wendy thought that you'd need some time with Winston.
Oh, that's very thoughtful of her.
Yeah.
So you will be job sharing with one of the most highly respected veteran journos in the country.
And so will I be sharing an office with him or her? No, no, no.
Well, he doesn't need an office.
He's fieldwork, kind of guy.
So I'll be in with you and Nicole? OK.
About Nicole.
Here's the thing.
You had best keep away from Nicole for a while because she's in a really bad place.
She's grieving the death of her dad.
He died years ago, didn't he? You can't quantify grief like that, can you? There's no Australian Oz Ripple Oh, making yourselves at home there? Huh? Green and gold of my childhood.
And as a little girl Yes? my folks would give me 50 cents if I had done all my chores, and my sister and I, we'd run on down to the local corner shop and I'd look up and I'd say, "Hey, Mr O'Rourke, two Oz Ripples please.
" OK.
Fact check that.
Alright? O'Rourke.
See if there even was an O'Rourke where she grew up.
Because that's probably bullshit, we can use it in court.
Sorry.
We make it a rule to never speak while masticating our food.
Haven't they got more important things to worry about than an ice-cream? The heart of Australia will never be red.
My parents and I would stand together and watch the Anzac parade and all wave our Oz Ripples as our heroes passed by.
That ice-cream was our flag.
Hear, hear.
So Mr President, while Senator Evans was busy waving from the sidelines, as what you would have to imagine, a fairly irritating 7-year-old child, I was proudly marching in the parade with my father and grandfather, Artie Green.
And at march's end, we would sit quietly and eat a Ripper Ripple in honour of their fallen comrades.
Hear, hear.
Senator Potter.
Oh, bring me my pethidine.
I don't particularly care whether the centre was red, green or brown.
- Shame! - SHAME! What I am concerned about is the manner in which Noyce Industries is going about selling their business.
Now, I seek leave to table several documents.
These are expense statements that do not appear on the official government register and have not been cited by the auditor general.
They belong to two government senators.
Senators Selleck and Wells and a member of the Lower House, the so-called Honourable Member Allkirk.
(HUBBUB) Absolutely not.
Order! Now, it would appear if these documents are correct, that these three politicians received substantial gifts to act as intermediaries in the proposed Noyce sale.
Slender! I defy you to repeat any of this outside of this place! Happily.
According to these, these three politicians received business class seats, a week's all-expenses-paid holiday at the Cowlin Resort and $2,000 in casino chips.
There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this.
Well, we would all like to hear it.
These are baseless allegations and although I am stepping down, let me be clear, I am not resigning.
And I very much look forward to clearing my name, looking forward.
And I very much look forward, very forward to clearing my name, looking forward against the sale of the Ripple and clearly my instincts have been confirmed.
I said this was a dirty deal from the start.
Clearly it is.
This is how the Chinese play, people.
How do we hose down this Harry shit? Well, he's done the work and due diligence expected of him as a senator and he has wiped the floor with you and Penny Evans.
Three pollies down, maybe out.
Spotlight's on him.
I've got to reclaim the moral high ground.
It's an ice-cream, Cleaver, there is no moral high ground.
Fuckin' Harry sorry David! Can you believe it? I mean I raised This is my issue, I raised this issue.
You didn't raise any issue, Cleaver, or do any actual research.
You just gave the vague approximation of a name of an ice-cream and then you stole a childhood memory from me.
I threw a pebble in a pond.
You know? I set the ripples in motion and now look where we are.
Two government ministers gone, a backbencher gone.
That's me.
That's my That's all down to me.
That's me, me, me.
I've said this before, Cleaver, but you might be getting to that point again where you need a blanket and sedation.
He's not going to get away with this shit.
Away with what shit, Cleaver? Doing his job? - Missy what are you doing? - Cleave.
I need you to organise me a press conference for 12 o'clock today.
To say what? To say that this sale is not going to go ahead because I have single-handedly saved the Oz Ripper.
- Ripple.
- Ripple.
I know.
Don't Don't follow me.
What? Right.
Organised a press conference for 12 o'clock.
- You did? By yourself? - Tick.
Well, you can't, you've got a kids' science award presentation at 12.
Well, cancel it.
No.
You're presenting an award to a top primary school student at Henley Hall.
Well, that sounds shithouse.
Somebody from the Government should do that.
No, it's science, Government won't go near it.
Anyway, Potter's got one at 12.
Oh, fucking Potter.
Oh OK, I'll have to make mine 12:30.
No, Penny Evans has got one at 12:30.
Oh, God.
OK, I'll have to make mine one o'clock! Fuck! I'm losing precious time here.
I'll just let you organise that yourself, shall I? Miss, I need you to move my press conference to 1pm, OK? And knock us up a speech.
A speech, just a Yeah, the issues.
OK.
Yaakov, we have got to go, mate.
Henley Hall, please.
Very soon a time will come when you need to make a decision.
There is about to be a coup.
What? Another A coup in Parliament? Amongst the drivers.
A quantum power shift with massive implications for this country at large.
Implications for the country at large.
OK, great, I got it.
Now can we go to Henley Hall please, buddy? Place your faith in Yaakov Novak at your own peril.
I trust I make myself clear? Yeah, not particularly, mate.
I trust you want me to take you to Henley Hall? Yeah, yeah.
So there was another driver here.
I know.
These are complicated political times.
Senator Penny Evans claimed that the bribes were the result of Chinese corruption.
The opposite is true.
It appears that the bribes have come from Australia.
Earlier today, I was informed by the Federal Police that Desmond Noyce, the CEO of Noyce Industries, has been charged with bribing senior government members.
(APPLAUSE) And now for our next guest presenter, we have Senator Cleaver Greene, who has come all the way from Parliament House to present our science prize to the most outstanding science student in our under-12 age group.
So please welcome Senator Greene.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you very much.
And congratulations to Sherry MacGyver, you won.
(APPLAUSE) Quick, quick.
Good.
Well done, Sherry.
Congratulations on your science project, comparing the output of lithium batteries to ones powered by van - Van Damme - Vanadium.
Vanadium is a mineral used in steel production and my research was looking at different ways of prolonging battery life, even though lithium has a better storage capacity.
Incredible, thank you, Sherry! She's only 12 years old and what a great and wonderful future we have with kids like her.
Huh? You better run back your seat, darling.
Show Mum and Dad that award.
So thank you very much, Henley Hall, you have been incredible, and now I'll throw back to someone else.
Done and dusted.
I'm outta here.
OK, can you push my press conference by 15 minutes? And is my car waiting? She as an adviser to the UN on climate science and she is also an international spokesperson for the Refugee Action Alliance.
Well, round numbers.
No, that's just a round number.
Sorry, who resigned? OK, well, tell them I've got new information.
(APPLAUSE) No, of course I don't, but they don't know that.
I am heartened to see so many clever young faces here today.
I heard a senator in your parliament ask if this country has the right policies in place for the next 10 years.
The answer is yes, you do.
But if you want to live beyond those 10 years, then no.
You have almost no single Can you push it to 1:30, please? I am sorry, I'm not sure what's happened to him.
That's OK, I'm not a journo.
I'm a sparky on my break.
I just needed a chair.
When he does arrive, I wonder if you wouldn't mind not telling him that.
It's kind of my first day.
OK.
Conservative voices keep representing science as somehow left wing, as having a radical agenda that will destroy the economy.
But science is neither left or right wing.
It is science.
When we fly, when we get chest X-rays, when we take treatments for cancer, we do so because of science.
Do we ask if the science that made these is left or right wing? As scientists, we assemble data, analyse it and try and predict a future.
And science tells us that nothing will destabilise an economy more than global warming.
Our obsession with economic growth is killing the world Can't talk, move it to 2:30.
It's like telling a morbidly obese person they must eat more chocolate cake.
At some point, they will explode.
(LAUGHTER) Well, thank you so much.
It was so lovely, lovely to meet you.
Senator Cleaver Greene.
I was your fellow speaker here today.
Li Ming Wu.
Hi.
I am so sorry I missed your talk.
My flight from the States was delayed.
I hope I didn't repeat anything you said already.
There was a bit of an overlap, but look I don't think you can get that message about the environment through to kids enough.
So, you are part of the government.
Well, I am, you know, I am a senator, as I said.
But no, very much an independent.
I often feel like the lone voice in a sea of deniers.
I hear very good things about is it David Potter? Oh, God, no.
- No, no, no.
Lot of hot air there.
- Oh.
He is not committed in the same way you or I are.
Yeah, it is interesting.
I got him off murder charges in a previous life.
- Oh! - Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, dear.
You were a lawyer? Mainly human rights stuff, yeah.
Yes.
How long are you in Canberra for? I leave tomorrow night.
What about dinner tonight? I'm afraid not.
Lunch tomorrow? Uh Well, OK, Senator.
If you can make it a late one.
Oh, I can make it an anyone, I'll push my schedule.
Can we make it at Wang's? Wang's, why? Do you not like it? It's my favourite place in Canberra.
Oh, yes.
It's mine too.
- I can't get enough.
- Fantastic.
- Can we say two? - Yes.
Yeah.
Just you and me.
I meant the time.
- That was funny.
- Yeah, I know.
I knew.
I knew that.
Darling, I'm home.
Sweetheart? It's just me, pet.
(SIGHS) - Allkirk's resigned.
- Yes, yes, I heard.
Weak little bastard.
There's a vacancy in the house, then.
I want it.
We live just across the road from that seat.
Well, I can certainly put in a good word for you, my love.
Get it for me? Well, I don't think I have that kind of power anymore, sweetness.
Then find it.
Yes, my love.
Yes.
It's really tricky setting up a press conference.
Let's just learn from this and move on, OK? Do you realise that there are 18 million acres of forest - destroyed every year? - What? That is how much forest is destroyed every year.
The Gossnard net-winged beetle is on the endangered list now.
Right.
Not to forget the wartbiter cricket.
Almost extinct.
(BABY CRIES) I need every paper, bill, amendment and thought bubble we have on the government's environment policies and our take on them.
You have none.
You haven't read them and I will, I will, I will.
OK.
OK.
Here you go.
Oh, fuck, this is all Here we go.
Oh, fuck.
OK, alright.
Here's Here's a better idea.
You read those and summarise them and get back to me please, quickly.
How is that better? And everything we can find out about a Li Ming Wu, please, by lunchtime.
If she is your lunch date, Cleaver, you are wasting your time.
I mean, she's She is so far out of your orbit you could not locate her with the Hubble telescope.
I mean, does she know who you are? And if you wouldn't mind having a look at my Wikipedia entry, please, and changing the bit about my jail term.
Thank you.
Overlooking the fact that I detest every facet of you, we need to form an alliance and bring down Potter.
Humans release 37 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide every year.
You'd have to think a lot of that is coming from you, isn't it? Are you hearing me? It's the highest level for over 650,000 years and now there is over a million species facing extinction.
I knew it was bad If we form an alliance we can own this story, which right now is the biggest story in town.
Or I can pursue my defamation case against you with vigour and you'll be destroyed.
You know, Penny, I do so miss the old courtroom.
- So what are we going to do? - That Greene, Potter was right.
Noyce is trying to offload his company ASAP and he papered a few palms to ease the passage.
He will never stand between Sellick and a $5 note.
So why is old man Noyce trying to ditch his company? I have got no idea.
We're still looking into it.
Peking duck with chestnuts and chilli.
What about that fucking munchkin? I mean - Crab, Szechuan style.
- He's resigned.
- What's that about? - Yeah, well, stuck at the intelligence than the moral integrity not to resign.
- Until they convict him.
- Yeah.
Wagyu steak in oyster sauce.
Just dump it, pal.
Look, on the upside, we now have the chance to Trojan Horse our own person in that snivelling arsehole seat.
Oh, that's good.
(LAUGHS) That's good.
OK.
Names.
Names.
Come on.
CAL: What the hell is this? It's alphabetical.
Well, I'm going to change my name to Aardvark before I let her come before me.
Oh.
It seems more balanced, don't you think? Balanced is not what this show's about.
Balanced is the very issue that we fight against.
Tough, unrelenting, hard hitting, honest and completely biased.
That's what this show stands for.
I'm not so sure the public sees you that way anymore, Cal.
What? You seem weaker.
Soft.
You're softer.
But as always, if you're not 100% happy, I'm very happy to change it.
I'm not even 2% happy.
Change it.
- On to it.
- Hmm.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Carry on.
- Who is this? Right.
Sure.
Where? Hi.
I need you to get on one of your magical apps and tell me what this piece of music is called.
- Do you have a reservation? - Get out! You're not welcome.
You exposed yourself to my boys.
Look, I explained about that.
That was just talking to them about their basketball habits.
With no trousers and your penis for all the world to see? - Penis! You're - Shame! I am so sorry.
I didn't see you come in.
I am a tragic failed musician.
This man is with you? - Yes.
He is.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- This man? - Yes.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah.
Who let that pretzel in? - Jesus! And with her? - Thank you.
I can't walk past a piano without wanting to play something.
- Me too.
- Oh.
(BOTH LAUGH) And that was the Schubert Impromptu no less.
Number 3G flat major - Major.
- Am I right? - You play? - I tinkle.
I tinkle.
We must play together after our meal.
I broke this, um, in a tennis incident.
- Oh, dear.
- Yeah.
Oh, tennis.
I dreamed of being a professional, but science got hold of me.
Tell me, what other instruments do you play? Mainly the flugelhorn.
Oh.
I know only strings and keyboards and I am trying to so hard to learn the saxophone but, oh.
Yeah.
It's So many instruments.
Well, there are only so many hours in a day.
I never understand how people are so happy to waste them.
Mmm.
You know, music makes me believe that the world can still be a beautiful place.
We are capable of such exquisite beauty, but everywhere we are reduced to the petty and venal.
The lot of man.
I was in Burkina Faso two weeks ago.
What man has done to man.
Burkina Faso has a green and gold flag with some red on it? So, have you been there? - Burkina Faso? - Mmm.
It's Oh, landlocked.
- Gold.
- Mmm.
The French influence, of course.
Yes.
And poverty that drives people into dust.
Should we order something to eat? Absolutely.
Well! Our new Prime Minister.
- Should I curtsy? - No formalities here, Cal.
- No time.
- Ah.
- Been a few years.
- It has, Roy.
Last time was when you voted me off the state executive.
Well, some blood's passed under that bridge and lots of regrets have flown with it.
I suppose you know what this is about? Oh, what? Your shipwreck? Two days in office.
Noyce Industries.
Two senators clinging to the wreckage.
At least one rep's vacancy to fill.
I mean, I'm just guessing, of course, mate.
If it hadn't have been for Evans and Greene and Potter, this thing would have sailed through.
I hope you didn't have any shares in the company? I need to fill Allkirk's rep seat, tout suite, before this thing haemorrhages any further.
Well, could I suggest my wife? Jane? Jane Green? (LAUGHS) God, no.
Sorry.
Right.
- Well, who then? - Well, you.
I want you! I know we have history.
Two years ago I would have had nothing to do with you, but this new gentler, user-friendly Cal we're seeing on our screens, it's exactly what this party's crying out for.
Right.
Well Married life has softened me, mate.
I know you'll take a drop, a major drop financially.
But if you agree to this position, I'll make you a minister straight off.
A minister? - Doing what? - I don't know.
I'll do a reshuffle.
It will guarantee me two full terms as leader.
After that, how does Cal McGregor PM sound? Because I have to say, it plays out OK in the party room.
Oh.
Have you talked to my half-brother about this? No.
The Coalition's full of head kickers and flat earthers.
I want to demonstrate a warmer, vulnerable side to the public.
You are that man to help me.
I need to know the total CO2 output of coal fire reactors in the 1960s.
Actually, do you know what? Forget it.
I'm going to wing it.
Bye.
Sorry.
Some stupid standing committee on clean coal generators.
(LAUGHS) No such thing.
Which is why I keep saying wind and sun.
- Wind and sun.
- Wind? Really? Isn't that far too unreliable for baseload? Yes.
Ah Yeah.
But the sun's great.
Well, the production of batteries and solar cells is proving a massive environmental challenge.
Yeah.
I mean, anything's better than nuclear, though.
I don't know.
The two major explosions at nuclear reactors caused infinitely less death and health damage than coal does every day.
How many times have I made that point? The problem is waste.
As I keep stressing.
If they can get its half-life down to 250 years, not 250,000, one might think about it differently.
Weirdly, I have just delivered a paper on precisely that point.
What I don't understand is why does this government refuse to engage with these problems? Why? Your concerns here seem so trivial when the problems are so great.
Mmm.
Are you sure you can't find another hour or so? It is not often I spend time with someone who shares my passions.
- I'm afraid not.
- Oh.
My assistant was right.
Not even with the Hubble telescope.
Sorry? Do you want to know what I have been campaigning for in the Senate? Do you want to know what's been occupying my days? Tell me.
Never mind.
(LAUGHS) I learnt the flugelhorn for three weeks and then I stomped on the bloody thing.
You can go.
To the house? Oh, yeah.
Later tonight you might receive a call from someone called Mohamed.
He's with a breakaway faction of the drivers.
Don't listen to him.
Actually, do you know what? Change of plans.
I don't want to go to the house.
And I don't want to go home.
Can I give you a hand there? Oh.
Thank you.
- What - Thompson.
- Thompson? - Up the top, there.
Oh, yep.
- They don't make it easy, do they? - No.
- There we go.
- Thank you.
Maybe we should just go around the block one more time.
It won't help, Cal.
We have driven around 12 times already.
Yes.
Just go in there and tell her the truth.
Yes.
Yes.
Just Straight up.
- Straight up.
- Straight up.
Walk in there and tell her how it is.
Yes! Yes.
And how is it? You fought for her with everything you had but they wanted you because of your wider political experience.
Yes! My wide experience.
- And then what? - Then you objected.
I objected.
I objected! And And then I threatened them, and then You tell her that I tell her that once inside Parliament I will work tirelessly - Around the clock.
- Bugger! Around the clock to make sure that she is elected.
- You can do it.
- I can do it, mate.
I'm Cal McGregor! Darling? I'm home, pet.
(CHEWS) Drive! Drive very quickly away.
Drive! So, Andy did some digging and he found out that the Noyces had to sell in a hurry because sadly old man Noyce had a brain tumour.
I really don't give a shit.
That idiot almost cost us the Government.
Charming.
So now you ask me what they think caused the tumour.
- What? - The green stripe.
No bloody way.
Yeah.
As filthy as an unwiped arsehole.
As toxic as a uranium mudslide.
You know who found out about it? The fucking Beijing health authorities.
Apparently the green stripes are a mixture of some petroleum by-products and a Brazilian insecticide.
The insecticide gives a flavour, the petroleum the colour.
- So what's in the yellow stripe? - We're still looking into that.
But this is the point, here is this company sitting on a litigation time bomb.
They have to sell up quick, flee town before the shit hits the fast-rotating blades.
The question for us is this, were Sellick and Wells aware of this health report? Of course the fuck they were.
I mean, they're dead men walking.
The only upside is my half-brother had shares in them.
Do you know who Webster just appointed to fill Allkirk's seat? No-one.
Because I haven't told them who I want in there yet.
Um He's just announced it.
It's your half-brother, Cal McGregor.
(SCREAMS) - Is it true? Is it fucking true? - What? That mealy-mouthed prolapsed arsehole I made PM, hey, naively thinking that he was just a useless puff of fart wind who would do as he was fucking told has offered my fucking half-brother Allkirk's seat?! You! Confess! Huh? Has he announced it? OK.
OK.
This is good news.
What is the shortest ever term for an Australian prime minister? Frank Forde.
Eight days.
I reckon we can better that.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Hey.
G'day, mate.
I am humbled Do you ever feel like you're on some far-flung asteroid and looking down through the Hubble telescope and you see yourself as you really are? Some infinitesimal speck of dust stuck to a ball spinning in the middle of infinity? (BABY COUGHS) And you're this tiny, tiny thing.
Sans purpose, sans consequence.
Stuck in the aspic of eternity with no more import than the fossilised turds of a woodlouse.
Ever have those days? (LAUGHS) Gee! I reckon that just deserves an Oz Ripple.
I reckon I could rip into a Ripple myself.
Oz Ripple, Oz Ripple It's a fair dinkum Oz Ripple What do you reckon about that, mate? I love Oz Ripples.
It's a fair dinkum Oz Ripple It's a fair dinkum Oz Ripple.
I'm Cal McGregor.
I am Cal McGregor.
At 9:30 this morning I became leader of the Federal Parliamentary Liberal Party.
You have let this fucking Trojan Horse into our party room.
Come on, mate! Get it in there! Get it in there! Yes! Would you ever consider taking me on as a client? Fuck it! I'm finished.
What? Nicole! Nicole! - (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - (SCREAMS) He's got a gun! That's a gun! That's a fucking gun.
- (YELLS) - Ouch!
Sorry, mate.
I was wondering if you would like to come to Canberra some time.
I'm try to set up a steering committee.
We're meant to be living in your fabulous harbour view apartment on your multimillion-dollar salary but, no, instead you decide to lodge another appeal against your brother and are living in this dump.
My father promised me that painting.
Piece of shit painting, with three cows eating grass.
So with Missy, you brought her to my house for a couple of days and that was almost two years ago.
So you know what, I think it is your turn.
(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMING) She has been lying to all of us to create a persona.
She is a 100% fraud.
Senator Greene, you'll be hearing from my lawyers as early as tomorrow morning because no-one calls me a bald-faced liar and doesn't pay for it.
At 1530 hours Eastern Standard Time, I informed the Governor General that following a successful leadership challenge in the party room, I have been elected the leader of the Federal Parliamentary Liberal Party.
His Excellency then commissioned me to form a government.
Tomorrow the sun will rise on Anzac Day as we honour those who gave so much so that we might have the freedoms that we enjoy.
I'm only too cognisant of the significance and grave responsibility bestowed upon me.
MAN: Prime Minister, is there blood on your hands? WOMAN: Do you have the backing of the whole party? I acknowledge the enormous contribution made by my predecessor, Angela Sway in her long 28 weeks in office.
Let me assure you there is no divisional rancour within my government.
We are a broad church but united in the great dream of what this country can become.
MAN: Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! The whole party room sings a song of cohesion and positivity about the great tasks that lie ahead.
(TYRES SCREECHING) (BANG!) (BANG!) (BANG!) Oh, you b You know you are due in Senate, don't you? There's a special sitting.
And an English couple rang wanting your address.
Oh, my God! My new buzz state people, is that today? You do know that it is probably illegal and it could be seen as you profiting personally from serving the Commonwealth.
It's a murky area of law.
They're English, Cleaver, they're not going to survive your squalor.
Fuck.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Senator Cleaver Greene? - Yes.
Mr Clifford? Where is Mrs Clifford? No luggage? That is fine.
Come in.
I am just putting the finishing touches on your roof.
- Good morning.
We are the Cliffords.
- Good morning.
Oh, you're the Cliffords? I had understood that there were only two of you.
There are.
Two.
Alright.
OK.
I'm sorry.
Come on in, Cliffords.
Come in.
Make yourselves at home.
You're not a Clifford.
You are Senator Cleaver Greene? Yes, sadly yes.
Well, then Consider yourself served.
Are you kidding me? A summons? Who is it? Let me guess.
- Penelope - Penelope Evans.
Yes, yes, here we go.
Defamation.
Traduced and lowered her standing.
Are you kidding me? What special class of moron does that? Huh? Accused the plaintiff of deceit and dishonesty in a malicious attempt to damage her politically.
Can you believe this shit? (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, great.
Excuse me, that will be my firing squad, Cliffords.
Oh! Have I woken up in a French vase? Reporting for duty, boss.
I am so ready for this.
Your press secretary, wow! I guess it's not wow but it is an opportunity.
I didn't study journalism but Wendy said not to be discouraged because I'm a good writer with a brain and I really need this.
So, thanks.
So, Wendy said all that, did she? Good.
I am pretty good at making stuff up.
So I should be fine.
- Good.
- Bathroom? - Uh where should we? - You go upstairs.
There, take my room.
I will sleep on the sofa.
- Great.
She really needs a nap, so - Yes.
A couple of hours, though.
- See you at the house.
- Yes.
Give us a call before you come in.
I have a few admin issues to iron out.
Have you got a plunger? Your sink is clogged with hair.
I followed up my degree at the Harvard School of journalism with four years at Reuters on their international desk and then the Guardian.
You are horribly overqualified for a Press Secretary.
Do you know anything about the man that you would be working for? - Senator Greene? - I know he is a maverick.
Maverick is a word.
He was strong on farmers' rights.
- On the environment.
- Strong is also a strong word.
- OK, I need the job.
- Mm-hm.
I have two kids, we moved here, my husband is a lobbyist.
Newspapers now, they're putting off more people than they can sell issues.
He is a bit of a nut job, isn't he? Yes.
That is the correct choice of words, yes.
Roland fucking Webster, eh? Mate, I thought I had your unequivocal support.
Roland's purely a stopgap.
Six months to keep the moderates happy.
Then we make our move.
Does he know the real story with the terrorist attack? No.
Why burden him with the details? He is just the PM.
Let him rabbit on about security, that always plays well.
We just need to get this Noyce business through the Senate.
You know that Penny Evans has got her knickers in a knot over it, don't you? (LAUGHS) Look at the little pig.
We can't afford getting sued in your present circumstances.
Mate, I can't afford fucking lunch.
Alright? The banks won't budge.
I'm living out of your piggybank.
And now this lunatic is suing me.
I can continue to act as this banking facility for you but obviously we must do this covertly.
In time I will adhere to our arrangements.
I do this because I regard you as my friend and not just my client.
Yeah, likewise.
- A close friend.
- Yeah.
And one day maybe you will be in a position as a friend to do me a favour.
Oh.
Yes.
Of course.
Thanks, mate.
This government, with its hatred of the ordinary Australian, is basically prepared to let one of Australia's most loved icons, the Oz Ripple, slip through our hands and into the all too willing grasp of the Chinese people.
Senator, put your prop down! Unless us, as Australians, stop the sale of Noyce Industries to the Chinese, this ice-cream that has been so much a part of the lives of ordinary Australians will slip through Noyce Industries' hands and into the ever clasping, ever grasping clutches of a communist regime.
Bit by bit, Australia is being handed over to any Chin or Chan with money.
Senator, you've been warned.
And look what they are proposing to do with the centre of our beloved ice-cream.
Senator, you have been warned! Gone will be the green and gold of my childhood, replaced with a giant red blob.
A giant red communist blob.
(HUBBUB) Well, as leader of the Penny Evans party, I say to you, Australia will never have a red heart as long as there is breath breath in my body.
(PEOPLE ASSENT) Just look at her application.
This woman is fantastic, Cleaver.
Yes.
Yes.
She seems to have wasted a lot of time in New York, London, Syria, Iraq, blah, blah.
I mean, I am after somebody with a bit more of a domestic focus.
She is a Walkley award-winning journalist, Cleaver.
They give them away in cornflakes packets.
Just leave it with me.
I am onto it.
I am brewing something up.
Have you told Frank he's fired yet? Not as such.
He is a sensitive soul.
He is a lump of basalt, Cleaver.
He may have taken a few too many knocks to his head in his sporting career.
Well, a few more might have been good.
- You sack him.
- I'm going to.
- When? - Today.
- When today? - When he sobers up.
And what are you going to do about this defamation case? - Oh-ho - Cleaver.
This could kill your career and I need this job.
- So - I know, I know.
Oh, my God.
So I said to her, this was on the Tuesday On the Tuesday, yeah.
If Bryce and I are going to go to the Blue Mountains and have this weekend, and really talk about our relationship, honestly and frankly Mm-hm.
Oh, no.
Correction, sorry.
I said this to her on the Wednesday.
Oh, OK, on the Wednesday, yeah.
Because on the Tuesday morning I had breakfast with Simone.
On Tuesday morning.
And I knew full well that Natalie was going to opt out of that breakfast, and sure enough, come Monday night Oh, Monday night.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Gosh.
Um I think we are getting into some really interesting territory here but I need to check on something and I'll OK? (SIGHS) (MUFFLED YELL) (SIGHS) (EXHALES) Mm.
Um So, it was Monday night.
No, actually.
In fairness to Natalie, it was Sunday evening Oh, OK.
.
.
that she rang.
Well, that makes a difference.
What is it about a green and yellow striped something that makes it particularly Australian? - Green and gold.
- It's not even the colour of our flag.
It is meant to be wattle, isn't it? Well I mean It is also the colours of Ethiopia, Mauritania, Bolivia, Burkina Where the fuck is Burkina Faso? I mean, it's an ice-cream.
What is so special about an ice-cream? Well, for me, I had some pretty special memories of my childhood.
My dad would take me fishing on Yamba jetty and if I caught something he would say, "Nic, I reckon that deserves an Oz Ripple, don't you?" Alright, well, a heart-warming tale.
But he never forgot that either.
When he was dying that was almost the last thing he talked about.
OK.
Genuinely moving.
But but haven't we got bigger issues to fry in this country? We do but that would require you to open one of these folders and read what is in it and actually form an opinion on something.
Yeah, not going to happen.
3-points, ladies and gentlemen.
You know that you mentioned the Oz Ripple in your 90-hour maiden speech? - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- You did.
You called it the Oz Ripper.
Oh, the Oz Ripper? Yes.
You asked me to gather some Aussie icons so you could sound like a man of the people and I suggested the Oz Ripple.
It was only one that had not been flogged off that I knew of.
Well, we don't make anything here.
We are a proud nation of baristas and hairdressers.
Penny Evans is getting hit after hit about it on social media.
About the Oz Ripper? Ripple.
- Ripple.
Yes.
- Ripple.
Oz Ripple.
Positive or negative? A quarter of a million positives.
- You're kidding me.
- No.
- Fucking Oz Ripper.
Ripple.
- Ripple.
- Holy shit.
- Ripple.
My old man was not much of a talker.
Our special time was the hours we'd spend together fishing off the old Yamba jetty.
Just him and me, father and son.
A battered old fishing cap, pulled down over his balding pate.
Pinkies inking on the old schnozz.
How I relish those days.
Days I now share with my own son.
And when he was a little fella and he would reel in the occasional flatty sand whiting, and I would turn to him and I would say, "Gee, son "I reckon that one is worth an Oz Ripple.
" And we would bite into that choc-coated map of this nation.
It was the last thing I shared with my old man before he died.
For me, this is a deeply personal crusade.
There are others who have jumped on the bandwagon but, for me, it is personal.
What are we going to leave our children or our children's children or our children's children's children, if not this? Hear, hear.
Don't you Yamba me, you little ferret.
How dare you grandstand on my bloody issue? I will take you down.
I got your little writ.
You must be the only person in human history to sue someone who is accusing them for being more intelligent than they actually are.
You so don't get politics.
I know how this place works and I am going to hurt you.
You do, every time you speak the Queen's English.
Oz Ripple is mine, lady.
I checked Hansard.
You called it the Oz Ripper.
Or perhaps you were celebrating some Australian mass murderer.
You handpick history like grapes, do you know that? You take the ones you like and spit out the bits that don't suit.
You're just a criminal dilettante, Cleaver.
You have nothing to say about anything.
I'd respect you more if you were a genuine old-fashioned, tar and feather bigot.
To affect racism and not actually believe in it yourself, that is about as low as you can get without being an actual virus.
Oz Ripple is mine.
It's mine.
Cal, put your mind at ease.
Nothing changes.
You are still our number one big boy around here.
We thought you might spark better off someone young and pretty.
I might spark better if I'm left well alone.
We're trying to bring in a younger audience to hear your wisdom.
Hmm.
But she's too young.
And she lacks experience and she does not have my gravitas.
We hear you.
If it does not work out, poof.
She is gone.
Your call.
- That quick.
Nothing changes.
- Excellent.
What the hell is that? Strong, isn't it? But it's my show.
100%.
The sign is just a sign.
You two are going to have a lot of fun.
The big issue, the one I really want to get stuck into tonight and, gee, this gets my dander up You need to watch that at your age, Cal.
is all this kerfuffle about the sale of an ice-cream.
This is the sale of a major manufacturing company and may cement our economic future with China.
Sales like this won't help everyone.
Sounds like someone's superfund might have shares in them, Cal.
Is it in your best interest if this goes through? My personal share portfolio has nothing to do with this, Caitlyn.
Don't we love him, girls, when he becomes Mr Old Grumpy Pants? He is adorable.
Like our old favourite uncle, isn't he? Even though he is so very wrong.
Oh, I'm not wrong.
Yeah, you are.
This ice-cream has been part of our heritage ever since the Noyce family began production over 70 years ago and built themselves into the massive Australian concern they are today.
This is not just about a delicious ice-cream, it is about who we are as a people.
As today, ANZAC Day, we celebrate the heroes of both wars, where young men gave their very lives in service of our country.
What did those green and gold stripes really mean? And are we going to settle for a red blob in the middle of our country? Is that really what you want for us, Cal? Ha! Let us get a weather update.
(SIGN-OFF MUSIC) OK, what the fuck just happened? What happened to the script? OK, that is coffee.
That's cold coffee.
I didn't have time to heat it.
You have stained my shirt, crazy lady.
You've stained my memories.
That was MY personal story.
Pardon me, but if you look at your job discretion, you will see that you are actually described as my researcher.
Yeah? And so therefore anything you tell me, I will assume to be research and that I can use it unless otherwise specified.
You are an arsehole.
Use that.
On the upside, your research has really It was not research, Cleaver, that was my personal story about my late father.
Whatever the derivation, incredible result.
Have a look for yourself.
I'm running red hot on social media right now.
Red hot! You don't happen to have any other stories that you can? OK, now is probably not the right time to talk about that.
But have a think about it.
Is there a change of shirt in here you could help me out with? It's hanging out, Cleaver.
Have you sacked him yet? The weight is in these Dickie Dougie Suits or emu suits.
They can do the glassy thing.
Go around and pick up the glass OK.
Just having a one-on-one with Ryan Fefney.
Some very interesting intel vis-a-vis a number of issues apropos what we are dealing with.
- What are we dealing with? - Well, exactly.
How do you want me to play this ice-cream thing? Frank Look Nicole has raised a few concerns.
She is not up to it.
Sorry to interrupt.
I have to tell you as a mate you have got to ditch her.
It is funny you should say that because she seems worried about you.
She doesn't see what I do.
Very few do.
See, she is worried and I am worried that you've taken on too big a load.
You you look exhausted.
Unseen stress goes with the job.
It's killing you and I'm not going to live with your death on my hands.
So what Here's an idea.
We cut back your days a bit, reduce that incredible workload and make sure you're in it for the long haul.
How would you see my new role, then? You will be the basalt upon which my future is built.
I need you right here at the epicentre of contemporary Australian political thought.
This bar.
Yeah? Listening.
Talking.
Doing all the vital one-on-one stuff.
Would I still be the press officer? No, no, no.
I'm promoting you.
You're going to be my director of communications.
Wow.
Big responsibility! Yes, yes.
It's a big responsibility.
Just over the next little while, whenever you see Nicole, just give her a wide berth because she's gonna be green with envy.
Alright? And her her neck's on the chopping block.
You're absolutely sure about this? - 100%.
- Have you spoke to the auditors? Yes.
Did you call those numbers I gave you? - Yeah.
- Jesus.
Confirm it again.
You know what this means if we're right? CLEAVER: I said I'd think about taking Missy on, not actually take her on.
I know she's fragile at present, but I don't have a bed or anything for her or the baby.
I need a proper press secretary.
I'm making significant headway opposing this Oz Ripper sale.
This will put me on the map, but I need someone with real experience, do you know what I mean? Working the press 24/7.
Call me the moment you get this message.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Press 4 to replay this message.
I said I'd think about taking Missy on, not actually take her on.
OK, so your job is to generate stories about me.
OK? It doesn't matter what, any old bullshit, it's just noise.
OK? As long as I'm front and centre.
So at the moment I need as much exposure as possible about this Oz Ripper.
- Ripple.
- Ripple.
Yeah, I heard Penny Evans talking about it.
Actually, she made a lot of sense.
- No, she doesn't.
She's a mad person.
- Oh.
Yes, we hate you hate her and you must do everything in your power to destroy her.
OK, fair enough.
Now, we haven't talked about my working arrangements yet.
OK, now as I'm sure Wendy mentioned, you would be job sharing.
Wendy thought that you'd need some time with Winston.
Oh, that's very thoughtful of her.
Yeah.
So you will be job sharing with one of the most highly respected veteran journos in the country.
And so will I be sharing an office with him or her? No, no, no.
Well, he doesn't need an office.
He's fieldwork, kind of guy.
So I'll be in with you and Nicole? OK.
About Nicole.
Here's the thing.
You had best keep away from Nicole for a while because she's in a really bad place.
She's grieving the death of her dad.
He died years ago, didn't he? You can't quantify grief like that, can you? There's no Australian Oz Ripple Oh, making yourselves at home there? Huh? Green and gold of my childhood.
And as a little girl Yes? my folks would give me 50 cents if I had done all my chores, and my sister and I, we'd run on down to the local corner shop and I'd look up and I'd say, "Hey, Mr O'Rourke, two Oz Ripples please.
" OK.
Fact check that.
Alright? O'Rourke.
See if there even was an O'Rourke where she grew up.
Because that's probably bullshit, we can use it in court.
Sorry.
We make it a rule to never speak while masticating our food.
Haven't they got more important things to worry about than an ice-cream? The heart of Australia will never be red.
My parents and I would stand together and watch the Anzac parade and all wave our Oz Ripples as our heroes passed by.
That ice-cream was our flag.
Hear, hear.
So Mr President, while Senator Evans was busy waving from the sidelines, as what you would have to imagine, a fairly irritating 7-year-old child, I was proudly marching in the parade with my father and grandfather, Artie Green.
And at march's end, we would sit quietly and eat a Ripper Ripple in honour of their fallen comrades.
Hear, hear.
Senator Potter.
Oh, bring me my pethidine.
I don't particularly care whether the centre was red, green or brown.
- Shame! - SHAME! What I am concerned about is the manner in which Noyce Industries is going about selling their business.
Now, I seek leave to table several documents.
These are expense statements that do not appear on the official government register and have not been cited by the auditor general.
They belong to two government senators.
Senators Selleck and Wells and a member of the Lower House, the so-called Honourable Member Allkirk.
(HUBBUB) Absolutely not.
Order! Now, it would appear if these documents are correct, that these three politicians received substantial gifts to act as intermediaries in the proposed Noyce sale.
Slender! I defy you to repeat any of this outside of this place! Happily.
According to these, these three politicians received business class seats, a week's all-expenses-paid holiday at the Cowlin Resort and $2,000 in casino chips.
There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this.
Well, we would all like to hear it.
These are baseless allegations and although I am stepping down, let me be clear, I am not resigning.
And I very much look forward to clearing my name, looking forward.
And I very much look forward, very forward to clearing my name, looking forward against the sale of the Ripple and clearly my instincts have been confirmed.
I said this was a dirty deal from the start.
Clearly it is.
This is how the Chinese play, people.
How do we hose down this Harry shit? Well, he's done the work and due diligence expected of him as a senator and he has wiped the floor with you and Penny Evans.
Three pollies down, maybe out.
Spotlight's on him.
I've got to reclaim the moral high ground.
It's an ice-cream, Cleaver, there is no moral high ground.
Fuckin' Harry sorry David! Can you believe it? I mean I raised This is my issue, I raised this issue.
You didn't raise any issue, Cleaver, or do any actual research.
You just gave the vague approximation of a name of an ice-cream and then you stole a childhood memory from me.
I threw a pebble in a pond.
You know? I set the ripples in motion and now look where we are.
Two government ministers gone, a backbencher gone.
That's me.
That's my That's all down to me.
That's me, me, me.
I've said this before, Cleaver, but you might be getting to that point again where you need a blanket and sedation.
He's not going to get away with this shit.
Away with what shit, Cleaver? Doing his job? - Missy what are you doing? - Cleave.
I need you to organise me a press conference for 12 o'clock today.
To say what? To say that this sale is not going to go ahead because I have single-handedly saved the Oz Ripper.
- Ripple.
- Ripple.
I know.
Don't Don't follow me.
What? Right.
Organised a press conference for 12 o'clock.
- You did? By yourself? - Tick.
Well, you can't, you've got a kids' science award presentation at 12.
Well, cancel it.
No.
You're presenting an award to a top primary school student at Henley Hall.
Well, that sounds shithouse.
Somebody from the Government should do that.
No, it's science, Government won't go near it.
Anyway, Potter's got one at 12.
Oh, fucking Potter.
Oh OK, I'll have to make mine 12:30.
No, Penny Evans has got one at 12:30.
Oh, God.
OK, I'll have to make mine one o'clock! Fuck! I'm losing precious time here.
I'll just let you organise that yourself, shall I? Miss, I need you to move my press conference to 1pm, OK? And knock us up a speech.
A speech, just a Yeah, the issues.
OK.
Yaakov, we have got to go, mate.
Henley Hall, please.
Very soon a time will come when you need to make a decision.
There is about to be a coup.
What? Another A coup in Parliament? Amongst the drivers.
A quantum power shift with massive implications for this country at large.
Implications for the country at large.
OK, great, I got it.
Now can we go to Henley Hall please, buddy? Place your faith in Yaakov Novak at your own peril.
I trust I make myself clear? Yeah, not particularly, mate.
I trust you want me to take you to Henley Hall? Yeah, yeah.
So there was another driver here.
I know.
These are complicated political times.
Senator Penny Evans claimed that the bribes were the result of Chinese corruption.
The opposite is true.
It appears that the bribes have come from Australia.
Earlier today, I was informed by the Federal Police that Desmond Noyce, the CEO of Noyce Industries, has been charged with bribing senior government members.
(APPLAUSE) And now for our next guest presenter, we have Senator Cleaver Greene, who has come all the way from Parliament House to present our science prize to the most outstanding science student in our under-12 age group.
So please welcome Senator Greene.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you very much.
And congratulations to Sherry MacGyver, you won.
(APPLAUSE) Quick, quick.
Good.
Well done, Sherry.
Congratulations on your science project, comparing the output of lithium batteries to ones powered by van - Van Damme - Vanadium.
Vanadium is a mineral used in steel production and my research was looking at different ways of prolonging battery life, even though lithium has a better storage capacity.
Incredible, thank you, Sherry! She's only 12 years old and what a great and wonderful future we have with kids like her.
Huh? You better run back your seat, darling.
Show Mum and Dad that award.
So thank you very much, Henley Hall, you have been incredible, and now I'll throw back to someone else.
Done and dusted.
I'm outta here.
OK, can you push my press conference by 15 minutes? And is my car waiting? She as an adviser to the UN on climate science and she is also an international spokesperson for the Refugee Action Alliance.
Well, round numbers.
No, that's just a round number.
Sorry, who resigned? OK, well, tell them I've got new information.
(APPLAUSE) No, of course I don't, but they don't know that.
I am heartened to see so many clever young faces here today.
I heard a senator in your parliament ask if this country has the right policies in place for the next 10 years.
The answer is yes, you do.
But if you want to live beyond those 10 years, then no.
You have almost no single Can you push it to 1:30, please? I am sorry, I'm not sure what's happened to him.
That's OK, I'm not a journo.
I'm a sparky on my break.
I just needed a chair.
When he does arrive, I wonder if you wouldn't mind not telling him that.
It's kind of my first day.
OK.
Conservative voices keep representing science as somehow left wing, as having a radical agenda that will destroy the economy.
But science is neither left or right wing.
It is science.
When we fly, when we get chest X-rays, when we take treatments for cancer, we do so because of science.
Do we ask if the science that made these is left or right wing? As scientists, we assemble data, analyse it and try and predict a future.
And science tells us that nothing will destabilise an economy more than global warming.
Our obsession with economic growth is killing the world Can't talk, move it to 2:30.
It's like telling a morbidly obese person they must eat more chocolate cake.
At some point, they will explode.
(LAUGHTER) Well, thank you so much.
It was so lovely, lovely to meet you.
Senator Cleaver Greene.
I was your fellow speaker here today.
Li Ming Wu.
Hi.
I am so sorry I missed your talk.
My flight from the States was delayed.
I hope I didn't repeat anything you said already.
There was a bit of an overlap, but look I don't think you can get that message about the environment through to kids enough.
So, you are part of the government.
Well, I am, you know, I am a senator, as I said.
But no, very much an independent.
I often feel like the lone voice in a sea of deniers.
I hear very good things about is it David Potter? Oh, God, no.
- No, no, no.
Lot of hot air there.
- Oh.
He is not committed in the same way you or I are.
Yeah, it is interesting.
I got him off murder charges in a previous life.
- Oh! - Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, dear.
You were a lawyer? Mainly human rights stuff, yeah.
Yes.
How long are you in Canberra for? I leave tomorrow night.
What about dinner tonight? I'm afraid not.
Lunch tomorrow? Uh Well, OK, Senator.
If you can make it a late one.
Oh, I can make it an anyone, I'll push my schedule.
Can we make it at Wang's? Wang's, why? Do you not like it? It's my favourite place in Canberra.
Oh, yes.
It's mine too.
- I can't get enough.
- Fantastic.
- Can we say two? - Yes.
Yeah.
Just you and me.
I meant the time.
- That was funny.
- Yeah, I know.
I knew.
I knew that.
Darling, I'm home.
Sweetheart? It's just me, pet.
(SIGHS) - Allkirk's resigned.
- Yes, yes, I heard.
Weak little bastard.
There's a vacancy in the house, then.
I want it.
We live just across the road from that seat.
Well, I can certainly put in a good word for you, my love.
Get it for me? Well, I don't think I have that kind of power anymore, sweetness.
Then find it.
Yes, my love.
Yes.
It's really tricky setting up a press conference.
Let's just learn from this and move on, OK? Do you realise that there are 18 million acres of forest - destroyed every year? - What? That is how much forest is destroyed every year.
The Gossnard net-winged beetle is on the endangered list now.
Right.
Not to forget the wartbiter cricket.
Almost extinct.
(BABY CRIES) I need every paper, bill, amendment and thought bubble we have on the government's environment policies and our take on them.
You have none.
You haven't read them and I will, I will, I will.
OK.
OK.
Here you go.
Oh, fuck, this is all Here we go.
Oh, fuck.
OK, alright.
Here's Here's a better idea.
You read those and summarise them and get back to me please, quickly.
How is that better? And everything we can find out about a Li Ming Wu, please, by lunchtime.
If she is your lunch date, Cleaver, you are wasting your time.
I mean, she's She is so far out of your orbit you could not locate her with the Hubble telescope.
I mean, does she know who you are? And if you wouldn't mind having a look at my Wikipedia entry, please, and changing the bit about my jail term.
Thank you.
Overlooking the fact that I detest every facet of you, we need to form an alliance and bring down Potter.
Humans release 37 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide every year.
You'd have to think a lot of that is coming from you, isn't it? Are you hearing me? It's the highest level for over 650,000 years and now there is over a million species facing extinction.
I knew it was bad If we form an alliance we can own this story, which right now is the biggest story in town.
Or I can pursue my defamation case against you with vigour and you'll be destroyed.
You know, Penny, I do so miss the old courtroom.
- So what are we going to do? - That Greene, Potter was right.
Noyce is trying to offload his company ASAP and he papered a few palms to ease the passage.
He will never stand between Sellick and a $5 note.
So why is old man Noyce trying to ditch his company? I have got no idea.
We're still looking into it.
Peking duck with chestnuts and chilli.
What about that fucking munchkin? I mean - Crab, Szechuan style.
- He's resigned.
- What's that about? - Yeah, well, stuck at the intelligence than the moral integrity not to resign.
- Until they convict him.
- Yeah.
Wagyu steak in oyster sauce.
Just dump it, pal.
Look, on the upside, we now have the chance to Trojan Horse our own person in that snivelling arsehole seat.
Oh, that's good.
(LAUGHS) That's good.
OK.
Names.
Names.
Come on.
CAL: What the hell is this? It's alphabetical.
Well, I'm going to change my name to Aardvark before I let her come before me.
Oh.
It seems more balanced, don't you think? Balanced is not what this show's about.
Balanced is the very issue that we fight against.
Tough, unrelenting, hard hitting, honest and completely biased.
That's what this show stands for.
I'm not so sure the public sees you that way anymore, Cal.
What? You seem weaker.
Soft.
You're softer.
But as always, if you're not 100% happy, I'm very happy to change it.
I'm not even 2% happy.
Change it.
- On to it.
- Hmm.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Carry on.
- Who is this? Right.
Sure.
Where? Hi.
I need you to get on one of your magical apps and tell me what this piece of music is called.
- Do you have a reservation? - Get out! You're not welcome.
You exposed yourself to my boys.
Look, I explained about that.
That was just talking to them about their basketball habits.
With no trousers and your penis for all the world to see? - Penis! You're - Shame! I am so sorry.
I didn't see you come in.
I am a tragic failed musician.
This man is with you? - Yes.
He is.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- This man? - Yes.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah.
Who let that pretzel in? - Jesus! And with her? - Thank you.
I can't walk past a piano without wanting to play something.
- Me too.
- Oh.
(BOTH LAUGH) And that was the Schubert Impromptu no less.
Number 3G flat major - Major.
- Am I right? - You play? - I tinkle.
I tinkle.
We must play together after our meal.
I broke this, um, in a tennis incident.
- Oh, dear.
- Yeah.
Oh, tennis.
I dreamed of being a professional, but science got hold of me.
Tell me, what other instruments do you play? Mainly the flugelhorn.
Oh.
I know only strings and keyboards and I am trying to so hard to learn the saxophone but, oh.
Yeah.
It's So many instruments.
Well, there are only so many hours in a day.
I never understand how people are so happy to waste them.
Mmm.
You know, music makes me believe that the world can still be a beautiful place.
We are capable of such exquisite beauty, but everywhere we are reduced to the petty and venal.
The lot of man.
I was in Burkina Faso two weeks ago.
What man has done to man.
Burkina Faso has a green and gold flag with some red on it? So, have you been there? - Burkina Faso? - Mmm.
It's Oh, landlocked.
- Gold.
- Mmm.
The French influence, of course.
Yes.
And poverty that drives people into dust.
Should we order something to eat? Absolutely.
Well! Our new Prime Minister.
- Should I curtsy? - No formalities here, Cal.
- No time.
- Ah.
- Been a few years.
- It has, Roy.
Last time was when you voted me off the state executive.
Well, some blood's passed under that bridge and lots of regrets have flown with it.
I suppose you know what this is about? Oh, what? Your shipwreck? Two days in office.
Noyce Industries.
Two senators clinging to the wreckage.
At least one rep's vacancy to fill.
I mean, I'm just guessing, of course, mate.
If it hadn't have been for Evans and Greene and Potter, this thing would have sailed through.
I hope you didn't have any shares in the company? I need to fill Allkirk's rep seat, tout suite, before this thing haemorrhages any further.
Well, could I suggest my wife? Jane? Jane Green? (LAUGHS) God, no.
Sorry.
Right.
- Well, who then? - Well, you.
I want you! I know we have history.
Two years ago I would have had nothing to do with you, but this new gentler, user-friendly Cal we're seeing on our screens, it's exactly what this party's crying out for.
Right.
Well Married life has softened me, mate.
I know you'll take a drop, a major drop financially.
But if you agree to this position, I'll make you a minister straight off.
A minister? - Doing what? - I don't know.
I'll do a reshuffle.
It will guarantee me two full terms as leader.
After that, how does Cal McGregor PM sound? Because I have to say, it plays out OK in the party room.
Oh.
Have you talked to my half-brother about this? No.
The Coalition's full of head kickers and flat earthers.
I want to demonstrate a warmer, vulnerable side to the public.
You are that man to help me.
I need to know the total CO2 output of coal fire reactors in the 1960s.
Actually, do you know what? Forget it.
I'm going to wing it.
Bye.
Sorry.
Some stupid standing committee on clean coal generators.
(LAUGHS) No such thing.
Which is why I keep saying wind and sun.
- Wind and sun.
- Wind? Really? Isn't that far too unreliable for baseload? Yes.
Ah Yeah.
But the sun's great.
Well, the production of batteries and solar cells is proving a massive environmental challenge.
Yeah.
I mean, anything's better than nuclear, though.
I don't know.
The two major explosions at nuclear reactors caused infinitely less death and health damage than coal does every day.
How many times have I made that point? The problem is waste.
As I keep stressing.
If they can get its half-life down to 250 years, not 250,000, one might think about it differently.
Weirdly, I have just delivered a paper on precisely that point.
What I don't understand is why does this government refuse to engage with these problems? Why? Your concerns here seem so trivial when the problems are so great.
Mmm.
Are you sure you can't find another hour or so? It is not often I spend time with someone who shares my passions.
- I'm afraid not.
- Oh.
My assistant was right.
Not even with the Hubble telescope.
Sorry? Do you want to know what I have been campaigning for in the Senate? Do you want to know what's been occupying my days? Tell me.
Never mind.
(LAUGHS) I learnt the flugelhorn for three weeks and then I stomped on the bloody thing.
You can go.
To the house? Oh, yeah.
Later tonight you might receive a call from someone called Mohamed.
He's with a breakaway faction of the drivers.
Don't listen to him.
Actually, do you know what? Change of plans.
I don't want to go to the house.
And I don't want to go home.
Can I give you a hand there? Oh.
Thank you.
- What - Thompson.
- Thompson? - Up the top, there.
Oh, yep.
- They don't make it easy, do they? - No.
- There we go.
- Thank you.
Maybe we should just go around the block one more time.
It won't help, Cal.
We have driven around 12 times already.
Yes.
Just go in there and tell her the truth.
Yes.
Yes.
Just Straight up.
- Straight up.
- Straight up.
Walk in there and tell her how it is.
Yes! Yes.
And how is it? You fought for her with everything you had but they wanted you because of your wider political experience.
Yes! My wide experience.
- And then what? - Then you objected.
I objected.
I objected! And And then I threatened them, and then You tell her that I tell her that once inside Parliament I will work tirelessly - Around the clock.
- Bugger! Around the clock to make sure that she is elected.
- You can do it.
- I can do it, mate.
I'm Cal McGregor! Darling? I'm home, pet.
(CHEWS) Drive! Drive very quickly away.
Drive! So, Andy did some digging and he found out that the Noyces had to sell in a hurry because sadly old man Noyce had a brain tumour.
I really don't give a shit.
That idiot almost cost us the Government.
Charming.
So now you ask me what they think caused the tumour.
- What? - The green stripe.
No bloody way.
Yeah.
As filthy as an unwiped arsehole.
As toxic as a uranium mudslide.
You know who found out about it? The fucking Beijing health authorities.
Apparently the green stripes are a mixture of some petroleum by-products and a Brazilian insecticide.
The insecticide gives a flavour, the petroleum the colour.
- So what's in the yellow stripe? - We're still looking into that.
But this is the point, here is this company sitting on a litigation time bomb.
They have to sell up quick, flee town before the shit hits the fast-rotating blades.
The question for us is this, were Sellick and Wells aware of this health report? Of course the fuck they were.
I mean, they're dead men walking.
The only upside is my half-brother had shares in them.
Do you know who Webster just appointed to fill Allkirk's seat? No-one.
Because I haven't told them who I want in there yet.
Um He's just announced it.
It's your half-brother, Cal McGregor.
(SCREAMS) - Is it true? Is it fucking true? - What? That mealy-mouthed prolapsed arsehole I made PM, hey, naively thinking that he was just a useless puff of fart wind who would do as he was fucking told has offered my fucking half-brother Allkirk's seat?! You! Confess! Huh? Has he announced it? OK.
OK.
This is good news.
What is the shortest ever term for an Australian prime minister? Frank Forde.
Eight days.
I reckon we can better that.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Hey.
G'day, mate.
I am humbled Do you ever feel like you're on some far-flung asteroid and looking down through the Hubble telescope and you see yourself as you really are? Some infinitesimal speck of dust stuck to a ball spinning in the middle of infinity? (BABY COUGHS) And you're this tiny, tiny thing.
Sans purpose, sans consequence.
Stuck in the aspic of eternity with no more import than the fossilised turds of a woodlouse.
Ever have those days? (LAUGHS) Gee! I reckon that just deserves an Oz Ripple.
I reckon I could rip into a Ripple myself.
Oz Ripple, Oz Ripple It's a fair dinkum Oz Ripple What do you reckon about that, mate? I love Oz Ripples.
It's a fair dinkum Oz Ripple It's a fair dinkum Oz Ripple.
I'm Cal McGregor.
I am Cal McGregor.
At 9:30 this morning I became leader of the Federal Parliamentary Liberal Party.
You have let this fucking Trojan Horse into our party room.
Come on, mate! Get it in there! Get it in there! Yes! Would you ever consider taking me on as a client? Fuck it! I'm finished.
What? Nicole! Nicole! - (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - (SCREAMS) He's got a gun! That's a gun! That's a fucking gun.
- (YELLS) - Ouch!