Remington Steele (1982) s05e04 Episode Script

Previously.
"Due to circumstances surrounding the demise of Norman Keyes we shall be forced to continue our investigation of the Steele-Holt marriage.
" I got friendly with Steele and Laura Holt in Mexico.
They think I'm an archaeologist.
All I wanna do is prove that Steele's marriage is phony.
- Who is she? - Mr.
Steele's sister.
What's she doing in bed? So as long as Immigration thinks we're the happiest married couple in America I don't care what you do, you miserable swine.
So, smile, lamb chop.
Well, if someone could prove you weren't really married, I'd be the happiest man in the world.
Just what's going on between you and the Italian Stallion? The only way to avoid being deported was to marry an American citizen.
So you're not legally married? Oh, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.
Remington Steele's marriage is a complete and total fraud.
I was supposed to sell it, but I think it's been stolen.
- Book Mr.
Steele and me on the first flight to London.
- London? It worked.
Steele's on his way to London.
Laura? What is it? You haven't said more than two words since we left Los Angeles.
Don't you think it's time to break the sound barrier? Guess I'm just caught up in my crossword puzzle.
You wouldn't happen to know a four-letter word for "rat," would you? "Tony"? Sorry.
First thing that came into my mind.
- Nice try, but it won't change the subject.
- What subject? That bimbo in our honeymoon bed? I admit the situation may appear incriminating.
- Try nauseating.
- Laura, I assure you whatever happened between Shannon and me was over a long time ago.
- I never want to see her again.
- Did you happen to tell her that? Repeatedly.
Short of physical violence, what else could I do? Well, she certainly picked the wrong time to show up.
Which brings us back to a four-letter word for "rat.
" Nothing happened between Tony and me on the beach, because I didn't want anything to.
Something always seems to get in our way, doesn't it? At the rate we're going, we'll be celebrating our silver wedding anniversary by the time we consummate this relationship.
- Business before pleasure.
- That's certainly been our motto.
Compared to what we went through in Mexico returning a stolen painting should be a- piece of cake.
Which means we may be able to dispatch this case rather quickly.
To a honeymoon in London.
I just talked to Mildred.
She got us into the St.
John Hotel in the honeymoon suite.
Ah.
In that case, let's not waste any time.
You look for Lindstrom at the Thames Gardens Hotel.
I'll check the local art scene.
If we're lucky, we may have this wrapped up by the end of the day.
Yeah.
Let's try for noon.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel- Eric Lindstrom.
Lindstrom.
No, there's no Lindstrom registered.
Terribly sorry.
There must be some mistake.
He should be in the Presidential Suite? Yes.
Well I'm quite certain that the guest in the Presidential Suite is not your friend.
Eric is a famous novelist, you know.
Perhaps he's using his pen name.
Sheikh Abu Hasaan? Then again, perhaps not.
Thank you.
- You come highly recommended.
- Well, it pays to have friends in low places, doesn't it? Speaking of paying, how much are we talkin' about? - Five zeros- less my finder's fee.
- This painting got a name? Boy with Flute.
- Do you know where the lad's hiding? - Oh, that I do.
- Uh-huh.
Can you get it? - Depends.
- Oh? - On whether the Russians would allow it.
The Russians? The painting's been hangin' in the Moscow Museum for the past 300 years, mate.
Bloody copper.
Tryin' to set me up with fencin' a stolen painting, eh? A slight misunderstanding.
No hard feelings.
A- honest mistake.
Slight mis- Get him! Get him! Get in! Thanks, mate.
I owe you one.
Remington Steele? I don't suppose that was a lucky guess? Sorry, pal.
Not out of the woods yet.
Mind telling me what this is all about? Mr.
Steele, Mr.
Roselli.
Sorry.
I didn't quite catch the name.
Anthony Roselli.
I'll bet your friends call you Tony.
- Mr.
Roselli is from U.
S.
Immigration.
- Immigration? Really.
He looks more like an archaeologist to me.
You're married to an American citizen, Mr.
Steele? Yes.
We just returned from our honeymoon in Mexico.
You should have been there.
- And your wedding was performed on a fishing trawler? - The QE2 was booked.
According to the ship's manifest the man who married you cleans fish for a living.
- Yes.
And he's really good at it too.
- But he wasn't the captain.
But he was vested with all the rights and privileges of acting captain at the time.
You seem to have a marriage license, yet there's, uh, no record of you applying for one.
Well, it was obviously misplaced by an incompetent, deceitful, uh, bureaucrat.
I'm sure you're familiar with the kind.
And your blood tests were certified by a doctor who apparently retired to Florida four years ago? Mm-hmm.
He just popped in for the day.
- You seem to have an answer for everything.
- I have nothing to hide.
Let's see if you have an answer for this statement, signed by, uh- I can't quite make out this signature.
Perhaps you can.
- Shannon Wayne.
- A shame it isn't in hieroglyphics - but perhaps you can decipher its full meaning anyway.
- Mmm.
Well, that about covers it.
You're free to go.
Thank you for your time.
Oh, congratulations on your marriage.
Show Mr.
Steele out, please.
We'll have the porter take up your luggage, Mrs.
Steele.
- Has Mr.
Steele checked in yet? - No, but the gentleman in the bowler has been persistently inquiring after him.
Thank you.
Excuse me, I understand you're looking for Remington Steele.
I'm Mrs.
Steele.
Madam, I don't know what kind of scheme you're involved in, but it won't work with me.
- What are you talking about? - You're an impostor.
- I have no business with you.
Good day.
- Wait a minute.
I am Mrs.
Remington Steele.
Madam, if you continue with this charade I will be forced to call the management and have you removed.
- Fine.
Go ahead.
Call them.
- Good Lord, woman, what do you think you're doing? - Getting ready to scream rape.
- You wouldn't dare.
- Just watch me.
- All right.
All right.
Please.
Please.
Broderick Smithers, solicitor of Bumbridge, Cleethorpes and Cottleswaite.
Congratulations.
Now what do you want with my husband? Oh, I'm here to inform him that he's just inherited £1 million.
Nice shot.
Archaeologist, immigration official- - Who are you now, Robin Hood? - Grab a bow.
Enough games, Roselli.
You've been bird-doggin' me ever since Mexico, tryin' to find out about my marriage.
- I didn't turn you in, did I? - That's what worries me.
What's the catch? Why didn't you throw me to the wolves? - I need you.
- Ah.
I see.
Blackmail, eh? Nice shot.
I want you to deliver a package for me.
- Wouldn't a messenger service have been cheaper? - Too delicate for that.
- Why? What's in the package? - First I need to know you're in.
- And if I'm not? - Hope you like England.
Once America deports someone, that's it.
Why me? You're an internationally famous detective.
You got a great rep, and you're here on a case.
Which you conveniently contrived.
- If I'd asked you straight out, what would you have said? - What do you think? I think you get my point.
How can I be certain you're not gonna recruit me after all this? You pull it off, I'll give you Shannon Wayne's statement and you won't have any more problems with Immigration.
- What about Laura? - What about Laura? What good does it do me to have Immigration off my tail if you're still after hers? I see.
- Is it a deal? - Deal.
Anthony, old chap, I seem to have split your shaft.
Need someone to scrub your back? And I thought you didn't like me.
What are you doing here? You know, you really should give up, Lulu.
Dougie and I are star-crossed lovers.
Have been since Hong Kong.
We simply can't keep from fondling each other.
Are you sure it's not his inheritance you'd rather fondle? Inheritance? What inheritance? There's a solicitor in the lobby who told me a tall, dark-haired woman claiming to be Mrs.
Steele was in his office last week.
I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.
Why don't I invite him up so he can refresh your memory? Oh, wait! Do you know, I- I- I vaguely remember something about an inheritance.
I thought you might.
I also remember something Dougie told me about a- a sham marriage to keep him from being deported.
What's it going to take to get you out of my life once and for all? - £50,000.
- You want me to buy you out? Well, actually, I need the money to buy some rather revealing photographs of myself.
- Who has them? - Frederick Edward Sedgewick, duke of Wallingford.
- You're being blackmailed by a duke? - A bankrupt duke.
If I help you get those pictures will you take your show on the road permanently? Well, if you're sure you won't miss me too much.
Dry off.
Steele agreed.
If this doesn't work, I doubt that you'll have a friend left in the department.
I'll risk it.
That's your problem, Tony- always willing to risk it.
Hey.
I'm the guy who lost three good agents.
I'm the guy who was banished to South America.
- I'm the one who took the rap for it.
- Lower your voice.
Nobody believed me when I said there was a mole in British Intelligence.
I'm giving you the opportunity to prove that you were right.
Better late than never, huh? - When do I get the documents? - All in good time.
No.
Now.
The difference between you and me, Tony, is that you break the rules.
I make them.
How much? Uh, sorry.
Cab supervisor.
This one's due for inspection.
- Welcome to Wallingford Castle.
If you'll follow me.
Wallingford Castle is one of the oldest and most historic castles in England.
Here is the formal dining room.
Over the fireplace is a 16th-century Flemish carving depicting the Coronation of the Virgin, which has always been in the family.
- Now, if you'll follow me into the drawing room.
- Where are the duke's quarters? Over here.
- Next tour leaves in 15 minutes, sir.
- Right.
Right.
It's over here.
The Greek! - He doesn't look Greek to me.
- He's not the Greek.
He's the duke.
- The duke's not Greek? - No, the Greek's not the duke! Oh, get ahold of yourself.
You're babbling.
- If this is the duke, who's the Greek? - Nicholas Theodopolis.
He's a- He's a racketeer who obviously doesn't have a sense of humor.
- Why would he kill the duke? - Oh, for the gems.
- What gems? - You see, the duke and I had a little business arrangement.
He'd get me into all the exclusive parties in town - and I'd- - You'd what? And I-I'd relieve the hosts of all their valuables- discreetly, of course.
And the Greek was one of the more recent victims, of course.
And now the Greek has the photograph.
He'll be after me! How would a revealing photograph point an arrow at you? Because it's a picture of me wearing the earrings that I took from the Greek's safe.
- Uh, the duke kept it as a hold over me.
- Then give back the gems.
- I don't have them anymore.
- Where are they? Well, a girl needs pin money.
Let me get this straight.
You conned me into helping you steal some evidence which directly incriminates you in a jewel-theft ring? - Uh, just a little white lie.
- You call this a little white lie? Shh! Someone's coming.
Here we have the formal dining room.
Over the fireplace is a 16th-century Flemish carving depicting the Coronation of the Virgin which has always been in the family.
If you'd like to follow me into the drawing room.
Here.
Here, what's this? You ladies shouldn't be in here.
These are the duke's private parts.
Out you go.
Come on! This fine set of Georgian painted armchairs decorated in petit point needlework was popular during a brief period of the 18th century, when- Well, ain't you Johnny-on-the-spot.
L- I can explain this.
You will, mate.
You will.
- He's going to kill me! - He can't kill you if he can't find you.
He found me.
Relax.
No one knows you're here.
Hello? Mildred? I can hardly hear you.
Where are you? Next door.
- Next door? - I got news for you that'll knock your socks off, honey.
Couldn't you have called from Los Angeles? No, I think you oughta hear this in person.
Stay where you are.
Oh, don't leave me.
- Wha-What's she doing here? - Never mind her.
What are you doing here? I put in some overtime on the computer, and get this: The Lindstrom case is a fraud.
- I know that.
- You do? But- Oh, well- That was just for openers.
Are you ready for this? The boss has inherited a million pounds from the earl of Claridge.
- I know that too.
- Aw, come on! Sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
I've got only one left.
- Oh, but I can't tell you.
- Why not? Because I swore to the boss I wouldn't spill the beans.
It's about the archaeologist.
Mildred, how would you like a steerage ticket on the next flight to Los Angeles? Okay, okay.
Let's just say you dragged it outta me, okay? Hello? Hello, Anthony.
Yes, I know I'm late.
Something came up, I'm afraid.
Believe me, I'm as eager to dispatch with you as you are with me.
Say that again? Okay.
"Flamingo Club.
" On my way.
Laura! Wha- What are you doing here? You mean here here- Or here in London? - London.
- A case.
What brings you here? Uh, Stonehenge.
Ah, yes.
Stonehenge.
Archaeology doesn't pay much, but you get to travel a lot.
I remember you telling me that in Mexico.
So, how long will you be rutting around the ruins? - Laura.
- Hello, dear.
Pull up a chair.
Tony was just going to tell me about Stonehenge.
Fascinating occupation, archaeology.
Don't you agree, Remy? Uh, yes.
Yes, yes.
That's why I'm here.
Mmm.
Anthony and I thought we'd, uh, tip a few before he left.
Heh.
Yeah.
I didn't realize you two were so chummy.
Oh, come now, Laura.
Anthony and I have been old mates ever since Mexico.
- Right, old chap? - Right.
Mates all the way.
Yeah.
Mates all the way.
- Well, we'd love to stay and chat, but the case awaits.
- It does? Fascinating new development.
It seems Lindstrom was, uh, spotted in Liverpool.
- Oh, really? - However, he may have headed for Blackpool so I suggest you take one "pool," and I'll take the other "pool.
" And we'll see who gets washed up first.
- Thank God I found you.
- Shannon.
- Oh, Douglas.
- Yes.
Uh- - Oh! - All right? - Oh! - All right? Oh, palpitation.
It's my heart.
Whoo! I see.
Why don't you take a seat? I see it hasn't affected your penmanship.
- Where is Mildred? - Mildred? - Mildred? - Yeah, Mildred.
Slide over, buster.
- Boy, this is one crowded table.
- Mildred, what are the two of you doing here? Camille over here locks me in a closet.
She sees you leaving, and she gets a case of the screaming meemies.
- The Greek! - What Greek? - That broad's got a screw loose.
- Excuse me.
It was just a champagne cork.
Oh, no, he's here.
I can feel it.
Oh, brandy for my heart.
- Lose something? - Yes, my respect for you.
- What about your respect for the dead duke? - You know about the dead duke? I just spent the last four hours trying to explain to London's finest how he got into a suit of armor.
- Care to enlighten me? - What's goin' on down here? - Who had the brandy? - Oh, here.
- Am I missing something? - Ask him.
- All right, chief.
Give.
- Laura! - Steele, we gotta get moving! - Don't leave me! Bats.
They're all bats.
- Just what are you two up to? - Us two? It was supposed to be you and me on our honeymoon, remember? Now it's you and him.
Me and him? What about you and her? - It wouldn't be me and her if it weren't for you and her.
- Laura, Laura.
Come here.
Laura, Laura.
Laura, Laura, Laura.
- Come back here.
- Dougie, please believe me.
I had no choice.
- I had to tell him.
- Tell who? Mr.
Roselli.
But it was- wasn't just the money.
- It was never just the money.
- What money? Stonehenge.
UCLA.
Ha! You're not an archaeologist.
- You never were an archaeologist.
- I didn't like lying to you.
Why not? You did it so well.
In a few hours, it'll all be over, and you can go back to playing Mrs.
Steele.
Just what are you and your mate up to? - I'm not finished with you yet! - And just when did you plan on telling me about my inheritance? I would have loved to tell you about your inheritance, but you were too busy with your mate.
Or perhaps you were too busy dredging up stray bodies with Shannon.
Speaking of Shannon, you said you never wanted to see her again.
- I didn't.
- Then when did you find time to tell her our marriage was fake? - I was trying to save your neck.
- My neck? Who do you think took those shots at you and Metzger in a jealous rage, eh? - Let me at her! - Oh, it wasn't me.
It was the doctor.
Why would your doctor shoot at Laura? He wasn't a real doctor.
He was the dead duke's detective.
Never mind his occupation.
What was his reason? Well, the duke was concerned that you'd never succumb to my charms - and the doctor was merely trying to help him.
- By killing Laura? I could kill you.
You haven't been following me.
You've been following him! - Hey, I'm just a guy tryin' to do a job.
- What job? - Change partners! - Oh! I got a bone to pick with you, Mr.
Bones.
You keep your mitts off the missus.
You get it? - I've got your number.
- Change partners! Oh! Ah, it's the Greek! It's the Greek! Let's get Miss Wayne to the powder room.
- Meet me at the bar.
- All right.
- Could you get me a brandy? - Come along, darling.
It's time to throw some water on you.
- Everything proceeding in an orderly manner? - Smooth as silk.
- Mr.
Steele willing to play messenger? - All he needs are the documents.
- He understands the risk? - Thought I'd break it to him gently.
Do try not to let this one get away from you.
My calling card? All you have to do is deliver it.
What exactly am I delivering? The Lindstrom case you were workin' on? You found out Eric Lindstrom is an information broker.
Archaeology, immigration, now espionage.
You're a multi-faceted fellow, Anthony.
In order to buy his freedom he told you about an American agent who wants to go over to the other side.
- He even gave you a few of the documents he had for sale.
- I drive a hard bargain.
- Being an honest citizen- - Of any particular country? You made a few well-placed phone calls and you came up with the name Edward Helmsley, British Intelligence.
With the intention of giving him these documents? I sent Helmsley a note in your name setting up the meeting.
I see.
I see.
And just where did I arrange this rendezvous? Paddington Station, Platform 29.
On your horse.
If I can assume it's not my loyalties you're interested in might you be testing Mr.
Helmsley's? If Helmsley's straight, he'll turn the documents over to his superiors.
If he's not- and I don't think he is- - he'll contact the American agent.
- I wonder who that might be.
Helmsley and I have a quiet little conversation, strike a deal, and I'll have him.
And if Helmsley doesn't buy this? - He'll kill you.
- Succinctly put.
All you have to do is convince him you're on the level.
You convinced me your marriage was on the level, didn't you? Mmm.
- Dougie? Dougie! Don't leave me! - Paddington Station.
- Oh! Dougie! - Inside.
Oh.
- Oh, I'm sor- - Miss Wayne, how lovely to run into you.
I have to warn you.
L- I have a weak heart.
- That shouldn't bother you much longer.
- Oh! I'll be damned.
There really is a Greek.
Let her go! Sorry! - Not so fast! - Where are they headed? - They said they'd kill me if I didn't tell them where the jewels were.
- And? - I told them I didn't have them.
- And? - I told them Dougie did.
- You sent them to Paddington Station? - Mildred, hang on to Miss Wayne.
- Where are you going? - Paddington Station.
- No, you're not.
What seems to be the trouble here? - She stole my purse.
- What? - Nice going.
- It worked with an urn.
I'd never steal this.
This is vinyl.
Well, vinyl or not, I wanna press charges.
Why are we going to Paddington Station? - Your husband's doing me a favor.
- What kind of favor? A dangerous one-which is why we've been trying to keep you out of it.
You used me.
You only got close to me to get to him! I didn't have to get close to you to get to him.
I just got close to you.
Watch the road.
Remington Steele? No closer, Mr.
Steele.
Do you recognize this sound? The cocking of a Walther P38.
We're going to have a little pop quiz and unless I'm satisfied with your answers, I'm going to pull this trigger.
- Sounds more like a final exam to me.
- Question number one: Who supplied you with the envelope in your jacket pocket? - A gentleman named Eric Lindstrom.
- Question number two: How did you come upon this Lindstrom? He stole a painting from my client.
I was trying to get it back.
Question number three: Why did you contact me? Well, friends in the trade said you were the good man to talk to.
Interesting.
Our American cousins never heard of you.
Well, we had a little falling-out.
You know how messy those tiffs can be.
You're starting to fail, Mr.
Steele.
I'm getting tired of your quiz, Helmsley.
I came to help.
- If you don't want it, I'll go back to my hotel.
- Steele.
You just passed.
By the way, it was a Beretta.
- I want my jewels, Mr.
Steele.
- I'm sure you do.
Speak, my friend, before you are unable to.
Any idea who that is? - The Greek.
- Of course.
Who else could it be? - Nice right.
- Good left.
Will you please stop playing John Wayne and tell me what's going on? - Did he take the bait? - Like a starving sturgeon.
- What bait? - Your husband'll tell you later.
Well, it appears the time has come to bid you a reluctant adieu, Anthony.
- He's not leaving until I know what's going on.
- Uh-huh.
- Had a bit of a row, did we? - Yeah.
Arrest these gentlemen, will you, Constable? I'll fill you in when you get to the police station.
And you can fill me in before I fill them in.
You had her arrested, and now you want her released! Is it against the law to change your mind in England? If you do some checking, I believe you'll find that Mr.
Theodopolis is responsible for murdering the Duke of Wallingford.
Her? She's the one! She is the one who stole my jewels! I've- I've never seen this man before in my life.
L- Lying thief! I have proof.
I have a photograph.
I'm afraid we'll have to detain you, miss, until this is all sorted out.
- Oh, Dougie.
Help me.
- Don't look at me, sweetheart.
I'm afraid you're on your own.
Well, I know I can explain this to everyone's satisfaction.
You see, it started in Paris.
It was raining.
It always rains- I think she'll do just fine on her own, boss.
Yes, I think she will, Mildred.
I think she will.
Well, another hard day's work successfully accomplished, eh? - You still owe me an explanation about you and Tony.
- A-Absolutely.
That I do.
But I suggest we go back to the hotel and enjoy the fruits of our labors, eh? - Just a moment, Mr.
Steele.
- Yeah.
We've a few forms to take care of before you go.
Shouldn't take very long.
Hours of paperwork.
These guys have got the I.
R.
S.
Beat hands down.
- All I want to do is take a shower and go to sleep.
- Mr.
Steele might I have a word with you? - Uh, another time maybe.
- That's the solicitor with your inheritance.
Oh.
Heh.
On second thoughts, I'm always in the mood for a good conversation.
Why don't you step this way, sir.
Yes.
Yeah.
- Yes, everything seems to be in order.
- Ah, good.
Good.
Yes.
Well, it's a shame the earl didn't find his real son before he died.
He always had a real bond with you, Mr.
Steele.
In a certain sense you were that long lost son- which is why he remembered you in his will.
- Hmm.
A generous thought.
- When do we get the dough? - The dough? - The million pounds.
Oh, dear, didn't I mention that? You see, the earl didn't leave you cash.
- Oh.
Exactly what did he leave, huh? - A castle.
- A "cahstle"? - In Ireland.
Well, you have the deeds.
I'll be popping along.
Oh, congratulations again.
Ooh, that calls for bubbly.
Ha-ha! A castle in Ireland? Hmm.
A honeymoon in an Irish castle tucked away where no one can find us.
Doesn't sound too shabby to me.
- Mildred? - Yeah.
Book us on the night boat to Dublin.
We're going to Ireland.
To Ireland! Mr.
Roselli? Up here.
Right on time.
Tea? - Get my package? - Interesting reading.
- There's more where that came from.
- I'm sure there is.
For the right price.
I've got your down payment.
Yes? Helmsley tried to kill me.
- Where is he now? - He's dead.
- And the documents? - He didn't have them.
You made a ripe old mess of this one.
Why did Helmsley try to kill me? Obviously, your little act was very unconvincing.
Somebody tipped him off.
I warned you, Tony, and now you've left me with the debris.
Get out.
And you better pray that I don't get you before the police do.
I hear it's at least four hours to the ferry.
Why, Mrs.
Steele, there's something positively lascivious in your tone.
How's it going? I thought we said our final farewells last night.
You forgot this.
- Shannon Wayne's statement.
- It's very kind of you to remember.
You won't be bothered by Immigration anymore.
That's not the only thing I don't want to be bothered by anymore.
- We're under way.
- Uh, I'll get off the next stop.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
So, um, where are you guys goin'? Have you checked this baggage compartment, sir? Tell me, Anthony.
Wouldn't happen to know why there's a bevy of bobbies boarding our train, would you? Hmm? Help me.
I feel a distinct lack of motivation.
I'll check this carriage here, sir.
Uh, Remington Steele world-famous private investigator and his bride on their honeymoon.
Trevor Keach, British Railway Association.
May I help you? We're, uh, looking for a murderer.
A murderer? On my train? Well, good Lord, man Why stand here talkin' to me? Go find him, for heaven sakes.
Please.
Please.
Find him.
Yes.
He's gone.
He's probably back in the station by now- havin' a cup of tea, playin' darts, you know? - Quick thinking, Laura.
- Thank you.
You saved my life.
Why do I get the feeling I'm gonna regret that act of mercy?