Rick and Morty (2013) s05e04 Episode Script

1
- Mom! We're gonna miss the movie!
- No, we're not.
Okay, but we've been here for hours.
I-I don't want to hang out
at the stupid horse hospital.
This stupid horse hospital
puts dinner on your table.
It wouldn't kill you
to take an interest.
W-What's this thing?
I-In the middle of the room?
With With the hole in the end?
That's a breeding mount.
The nurses use it to collect
reproductive material.
Okay, let's go see this
latest piece of Marvel shit
you kids are [BLEEP] over.
Yeah. A-About time.
So, d-does your hospital
ever need, like,
after-school volunteers?
Wow. Who are you and
where did you put my son?
Ha! No, no. Seriously.
I-I'm very interested
in in your work.
Morty, you dirty little doggy.
Ugh! Come on!
- Hey, Rick.
- Oh, hey, kiddo.
- How's your Saturday?
- You know, super chill.
- W-W-Whatcha doin'?
- Eh, nothing adventurous.
You know that race of Underground
Dwelling Cannibal Horse People
that we're always fighting?
Yeah, the CHUDs. W-W-What about 'em?
Well, don't tell anybody, but
I'm working on a bioweapon
to use against them, so I got
this barrel of horse semen
from your mom's hospital and
I'm just gonna, you know,
subject it to some otherworldly forces.
Guess I should test it,
make sure it's
- Make sure it's what?!
- Horse semen, obviously.
Okay, but it says it is
right on the barrel!
You're not being very scientific, Morty.
Measure twice, cut once.
Especially with semen.
Did you even ask Mom
if you could have this?!
Morty, if I wanted to steal
horse semen, I'd
Yes, I asked her.
What is at stake for you here?
- Why don't you trust labels?!
- All right! Fine! I won't test it!
God damn. Your generation really
picks random hills to die on.
Don't get too close. I'm running
an inhuman amount of power
through this semen.
Should be safe, though,
since the semen itself is,
you know, also inhuman.
Here we go.
- W-What happened?!
- The sperm, Morty!
They're super monster sperm now!
I blame myself.
Unless there was something
about the sperm I didn't know.
Are you Are you saying
that to mess with me?
What? Mess with you how?
Like, trying to get me to say something?
Morty, I have no idea
- what you're talking about!
- For real?
- Yes!
- Okay. Good.
Then Then it's your fault!
- Dad, what the hell is going on?!
- Beth,
sweetheart, can you give me a minute?
I'm trying to steer around
the bodies of our neighbors.
Oh, that felt like Gene.
- That's on you, Beth.
- Dad, I swear
Mom, it's it's not
Rick's fault, it's
- Space Sperm.
- What?!
Yeah. Space Sperm.
I-I've seen 'em before,
- but n-n-never like this.
- Space Sperm?!
Sperm from Space?
Very impressive verbal
forensic work, Jerry.
Holy [BLEEP]. How big are space [BLEEP]?
Don't answer that!
Damn, they must be huge.
Oh!
Oh, [BLEEP], oh, [BLEEP], [BLEEP].
Mr. Sanchez!
The President is very eager
to speak with you!
Morty, look, you gotta
do me a solid here.
Y-you want me to keep the secret
of where these things came from?
Yes, technically, it's a lie,
but I messed up,
and I'm embarrassed 'cause
it's, you know, science.
No problem. I got your back, dawg.
Really? Okay. Cool. And thanks, Morty.
I thought that'd be a harder sell.
Y-You did a shameful thing.
Dwelling on it isn't gonna
help, you know, am I right?
Sometimes you just gotta wipe it off,
toss it in the trash, and
head back to study hall.
Uh, not getting the metaphor,
- but I'll take your hall pass.
- Sanchez!
Get the hell in here!
Space Sperm?
- Jesus, how big are space [BLEEP]?
- Same page club.
Well, Mr. President,
the theory of Cosmic DNA
has been around for decades
Chupacabras, Yeti,
Stonehenge, Ancient Rome.
Are these all myths, monsters, legends,
or different names for
sperm from outer space?
I'll tell you what I think, Sanchez.
I think either you caused this mess,
or it's those godforsaken Horse
People that dwell underground.
- CHUDs.
- That's them.
Ugh, if they're behind
this, so help me, God.
Morty, you've always
been a straight shooter.
You can't prove that! Wait, what?
- Oh oh. Right.
- I can protect you, little man.
Blow that whistle. Toot, toot.
Is this your grandpa's fault?
Here's what I know, sir.
This is the greatest country on Earth.
It invented apple pies and lasers.
- Mm. Keep talking.
- And that sperm
We don't know nothin' about it.
Then the CHUDs just
got themselves a war.
And you just dodged a
personal drone strike.
Hello! Hello. Sorry, I'm late.
This is Professor Shabooboo, the
world's leading expert on sperm.
- Thanks for getting here so fast.
- My schedule was wide open.
I have been tracking our new
sperm friends since their arrival,
a-and if my calculations are correct,
they have gathered here.
Why would the sperm go
to the Grand Canyon?
Why are you looking at me
like the answer is obvious?
Oh, you can't be serious.
Are we in middle school?
You think sperm are
instinctively heading
- for America's
- Don't high-road us, lady.
It's where they went.
Now, how do we deal with these
"Orgasogoblins"? No takers?
Okay. These "[BLEEP]plestiltskins?"
No? Dumb? These, uh, "[BLEEP] Boogins?"
Oh, yeah, yeah, [BLEEP] Boogins.
Really? [BLEEP] Boogins?
We'll use it as a placeholder
and beat it later.
Mr. President, i-if I may?
Luckily, I was able to
secure a specimen.
Now, obviously our first steps
will be to analyze its DNA
and figure out what
these beautiful creat
- Oh, why?!
- It-it had a gun!
Are you out of your mind bringing
an armed sperm in here?
But they can't hold guns!
The boy literally never lies!
Look, if you want these things gone,
give Rick and me a plane and some nukes.
We'll wipe 'em out and
leave no trace of them.
- Only one way to deal with it.
- He's right.
I'm a scientist.
Fair enough. Blow 'em to hell.
What are people gonna do,
complain we made the canyon grander?
Jerry, we're being bad
parents. Do something!
- I-is this water for everyone?
- Yes, and I'd love a glass.
Comin' up!
What are you doing?
And, Rick, to make sure you
don't screw anything up,
I'm sending my best men with you.
- And women.
- It's a fine suggestion,
but I doubt their leader
will be a sexy queen
that needs to be kickboxed.
100% male Marines!
They say cutting a sperm's throat
is like running a warm
knife through butter.
I'm gonna make these things
pregnant with death!
- No fear!
- No humility!
Zero chance of consequences!
Hey, gentlemen's bet which
of these background Marines
you think will last the longest?
I'm not betting on human lives, Rick.
All of these people are gonna survive,
but obviously that guy the longest.
Yeah, he's my pick, too.
What's his name? Blazen?
- Pretty cool.
- Yeah. He's, like, meditating through turbulence.
Psh. I bet if something fell,
he'd like, catch it without
opening his eyes.
- Totally.
- Should we throw something at him?
I-I got a pencil somewhere.
Who-who's shooting at us?!
Oh, wow, that's unexpected.
The sperm made a catapult?!
A-A-Are they getting smarter?!
No, you're getting dumber
because that's a trebuchet.
Nobody knows the difference!
They're reloading that
textbook trebuchet!
- Time to fly!
- Aaaaaah! Oh!
We gotta keep moving.
- So cool.
- Not even a scratch.
Okay, girls, and I mean
that derogatorily.
We just took a fat "L," and
what we need is a fat "P."
A plan. I take the lead here.
You two watch the flanks.
Blazen, bring up the Hey!
Please, one person draws
the plan! [BLEEP]!
- [BLEEP]!
- [BLEEP]!
I'm sorry, but what the
hell are we calling them?
Agh! Oof.
Fine. I'm dying, so I
get to pick the name.
Crispy Cremes with a "C"!
Whoa!
Whoa. E-Easy there,
little guy. It's okay.
I-I-It's okay.
Do you recognize me?
Do you know you came from me?
I'm Morty.
I'll call ya "Sticky,"
'c-'cause you're sticky
and and you're stuck.
Oh.
- Step aside, Morty.
- It's okay.
Y-You don't gotta do this.
It's haploid genetic code, Morty,
a biological fertilizing machine.
W-What's gotten into you?
Rick, let him go.
Ugh.
Morty, don't [BLEEP] with me.
What the hell's going on with you?
I think I know exactly
what's going on here.
Kidding. This shit is totally random.
- Let's keep moving.
- W-Which way?
When one sense is bound,
the others are released.
Holy [BLEEP]. He He can smell caves?
I'm not trying to smell anything.
The whole planet's a
dorm room trash can.
Sir, Rick Sanchez has gone dark.
I knew we couldn't rely on him!
Well, maybe the pilot got too horny
as they approached America's Vagina.
If you're gonna hang out in my war room,
you can't just make snarky comments.
At least do something
useful, like Jerry.
Right to the top, just
the way you like it.
Here's our situation.
Rick's gone, and so are all our nukes.
Now what?
- None of you have an idea?
- I do.
That's right, me the girl.
Gentlemen, what do sperm want?
The same thing as a lumberjack
in the morning
or a fox at night.
- Pants! Pancakes!
- Eggs. Eggs.
You want to control giant sperm,
you need a giant egg.
W-W-Wait a minute.
Wait wait a minute.
Sperm are hunters.
And what do sperm hunt?
- Eggs.
- Exactly.
And what would happen
if we enlarged one?
They'll head right for it!
Get MIT on the phone.
And get this guy a Nobel Prize.
You became a woman today.
So, Blazen, you got kids?
The battlefield is my family.
- So cool.
- Wicked badass.
Go. I'll hold 'em off.
Blazen, you don't have to do this.
- Shh. It is my destiny.
- He's right, Morty.
It's the price of being Blazen.
Let him do his thing.
Blood for blood.
Cream for cream.
Oh, no. I can't reach that!
Idiot!
What?! They're comfortable!
You should try them!
Eh, ah! Ohhhh.
That'll do it. I'm worm food.
Morty, find my wife.
Tell her I wasn't wearing her thong.
That's a photocopy of
"Sports Illustrated"
swimsuit model Kathy Ireland.
It's it's my wife. We have sex.
Here, hold that picture up so
we can have sex one last time.
I-I know how to [BLEEP] myself.
What?!
Ugh, I was so wrong about this guy.
He didn't even buy us any time.
Morty, get ready for some fireworks.
Ugh!
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, gross!
This is the first time I've ever
regretted being taken alive.
Wait, who the [BLEEP] is that?!
Silence in the presence of me.
I am The Sperm Queen,
and you are of special interest to me.
Hey, what the [BLEEP] are
you doing with my stuff?
A-And why do you have
the horse jerkoff machine
from my daughter's hospital?
We need it to create our army.
Well, you need more than that,
dummy. You need a horse.
Oh, but our stallion is already here.
Isn't that right, Morty?
Or shall I say Father?
Morty, you nasty, lying,
little world-ending pervert.
I-I-I'm sorry.
What was it like?
Fantastic!
Rick, I'm sorry!
I-I just thought maybe I
could have repeated sex
with a horse machine without
it becoming Armageddon.
I-I realize that's on me.
Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies
while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo.
This is all your fault for
being ashamed of us, Morty.
How many millions went
to their graves for you,
hurling themselves into the void,
only to discover a grody sock
or a carefully folded landing
strip of toilet paper?
How do you know all this?!
Oh, honey, because we're
the very essence of you.
We are your shame incarnate.
And once we're through with you,
our sperm army will take over the world!
Put him on the machine!
- Rick, do something!
- On it.
- Wh-what did you do?
- I got out of your eyeline.
Oh, no. Oh!
- Oh!
- Yes! The end is near!
- Any last words?
- Ohhh!
Sticky!
Gross. I know you're not
a wordsmith, Morty, but
No, no, no, my-my sperm friend is here!
Ugh, never give 'em a name.
Fools! You can't beat me!
You didn't bring a woman
that can kickbox!
Is that all you got?
Damn, that's some quintessential
underdog shit.
Kill them!
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
I-I should've told you the truth, Rick.
Let's save the world first.
Now, reset those nukes,
and let's turn this canyon
into a can't-yon.
There usually earthquakes in Arizona?
They're heading for Vegas,
which does track on many
levels, but why now?
What the?
Let's hear it for Professor Shabooboo
- and his brilliant egg.
- Um, hello?
- Aren't you forgetting someone?
- Oh, good point.
Big thanks to the cast of
Cirque Du Soleil's "Zumanity"
for the impressive and erotic routine.
Mr. President, Rick
Sanchez is on the line.
Good. Put that asshole on speaker.
Well, well, well.
No thanks to you, we're luring the sperm
with a giant human egg,
even though, symbolically speaking,
Vegas should be enough.
A human egg?
Where-where-where did you get it?
Glad you asked.
It's your granddaughter's,
so at least you contributed
something to this.
Mister President! It's Morty!
It's my sperm! I-It's all mine!
- What?!
- I'm a dirty little perverted maniac.
I spent a week pleasuring
myself with animal equipment,
and my sperm got turned
into monsters on accident
because I kept lying about
it because I was ashamed!
You should be! My God,
man, we were all 14 once,
but it's called self-control.
Don't let them reach my
sister's egg, Mr. President!
You'll be making a giant
Incest baby.
What? Who told you that?
What? I-I was finishing his sentence.
Oh. Right. Come with us.
The sperm is Morty's!
We're about to make a giant incest baby!
Aw, well, now we're all
in our darkest hour.
Launch the egg! Launch it now!
- B-But that'll take 30 minutes.
- What?! Why?!
That's how long every
space launch takes!
No one realizes because they only
show you the last 10 seconds!
Uh, uh, help me out here.
Hey, it was your idea, right?
Okay, okay, n-no need
to panic, everyone.
I have a simple solution.
See you all in hell!
I don't see how that's going to help.
Form a perimeter!
Protect that egg at all costs!
I always knew your hormones
would cause a world war
between humans and
Cannibalistic Horse People.
I just didn't know it
would be like this.
I can't change my nature.
What are you, a scorpion
in a Navajo fable?
Everyone can change their nature, Morty.
It's what defines our species.
Look at Iron Man. That actor
was an animal in the '90s,
literally waking up in bushes.
His agent had to catch him
- with a butterfly net.
- Silence!
Rick Sanchez, you know why you're here.
Yeah, it was my grandson's fault.
You slept with my daughter!
I did? Oh, [BLEEP], I did.
Forgive me, Your CHUDness.
I'm a changed man starting now.
You come to the Kingdom
of CHUDs for forgiveness?
CHUDs don't forgive humans.
CHUDs eat humans!
This is out there, even for us.
They can hear you, Morty.
Boil him up! Yum, yum!
Spice him right! Oh, boy!
Eat the flesh! Yum, yum!
Not the bones! Oh, no!
Belly ache! Ouch, Ouch!
Father!
Stop this at once!
Princess Poñeta!
You can't kill Rícko!
I I love him!
Right! I-I love you, too,
Princess Poñeta.
This love is forbidden.
My daughter, you are a CHUD.
Rick is a human and age-inappropriate.
Then you leave me no choice.
By the 17th Article
of the CHUD-stitution,
I offer Rícko Sanchez horsemunity
and demand a equestri-truce
between all CHUDs and humans!
On what grounds?
On the grounds that Rícko
is the father of my child.
I have an heir.
I have a substance-abuse problem.
The Prophecy has come true!
Also, did someone drop a scroll?
Here we go. Over here. Sorry.
Where did you get all that?
It's Vegas.
Sir! The Strip has been evacuated,
but I'm worried we won't be
able to hold the perimeter.
Then deputize Las Vegas regulars.
- Everyone's a patriot today.
- Even me!
Take three steps back,
Amazing Johnathan.
Men and their guns.
- Metaphorical and not.
- Tell me about it.
Get ready, boys! The last
thing this world needs
is a giant incest baby.
Oorah! Here they come!
- Nice!
- Do not let a single sperm
get through to that egg!
Um, should we be concerned
about that scary bomb-laden one?
Honey, let the men handle this.
I think we know a thing or two about
Ugh! Ready for all the responsibility
with none of the credit?
Let's Nancy Reagan this bitch.
Ah!
Dammit! We can't stop them.
We don't have the manpower!
What about horsepower?
Sweet Lady Liberty.
That sonofamare Rick has ended
our centuries-long war with the CHUDs.
- We made peace with the CHUDs!
- The CHUDs are our buds!
Rícko! The hoofless they need us!
Let's do this. CHUDily
dudily, ho, ho, ho!
CHUDily dudily, ho, ho, ho!
Mom, I promise to use condoms,
even when it's butt stuff.
Okay, we have a lot
to talk about tonight.
Is this your heart?
It's a play on, "Is this your card?"
You don't have a heart,
uh, but this is probably
some kind of organelle,
in charge of pumping
endoplasmic reticulum
throughout your membrane and therefore,
relative to you, functions as a heart.
So, I ask you again, is this your heart?
Morty, look!
I won't just be thrown away, Rick!
The egg is mine!
Sticky! It's all you, bud!
Noooo!
Sticky!
[BLEEP]!
- We got a heartbeat.
- Screw that!
That's a human life, and
this is an election cycle.
- You have to do something!
- Nope.
It's space's problem now.
Oh, this sucks.
You're "Sports Illustrated"'s
Kathy Ireland.
You were with my husband,
Blazen, when he died.
Please tell me was
he wearing my thong?
He probably told you not to tell me.
He was ashamed of it,
but he didn't need to be.
I hope he was wearing it.
Always be honest.
Sometimes it will hurt people.
Sometimes it will help.
But always be honest.
Huh. Yeah, yeah, he
he was wearing it.
Ew! That gross animal pig!
So, trying to boil this all down,
I-I want to say it's import
Shut up, Morty, I got my own epilogue.
Oh, Rícko, I love you.
Prove it.
Oh, I love kissing those
big ol' horse teeth.
- It's like lickin' tile.
- Oh!
I swear it's time someone
made an honest man out of me.
Whatever you need, the whole nine yards,
you got it.
The thing is, Rícko it's time.
Oh, [BLEEP], oh, [BLEEP]. It's time!
Oh, my God, it's wonderful.
Oh, wow. So we don't have
to, you know, r-raise it?
Nah. They're ready to
go right out of the box.
Cool, cool. So bye?
Yep. Take care of yourself, Rick.
Yep. Same.
That was easy.
Houston, permission to
open the starboard panel.
Permission granted.
Firing breach now.
Explorer, our readouts
show a pressure spike.
Everything all right?
Honestly, sometimes
staring back at Earth
makes me think about the
people I left behind
my wife, the son she
had to anchor me there.
I tried to be a parent, I really did,
but I've come to find I'm only
suited to be a spaceman.
The nicest part of being up here
is there are no reminders of the guilt
I sometimes feel about
abandoning my family.
Sorry, Houston, I thought
I heard something.
Negative on our end.
No, wait, there's something big
- and it's coming right at you!
- Goo, goo, gah, gah.
Dear God. No! You can't be real!
Explorer, what is it?
What the hell do you see?!
My conscience.
- Explorer! Explorer!
- Aaah!
- Are you there?
- Aaaaaah!
- Geez. Not gonna miss that guy.
- Aaaaah!
Right? So dramatic.
Did you get any of that?