Robot Chicken s05e04 Episode Script
Kramer Vs. Showgirls
It's alive! Lift-off in 3 Ignition.
Sir, launch failure! Launch failure! Oh, my kids 6 to 12! Scramble emergency crews! And someone better get me answers and now! We're trying, sir.
Most of these computers are just painted on! Damn budget cuts! Aah! The pilots are still inside! It's no use! The window and the axe are made of the same material! They're done for.
Out of my way! Let's see how this door likes 450 horsepower.
Oh, it's a no go! The cable snapped like it was made of thread! Aah! They're burning alive! Their faces! Their horrible faces! Well, it would appear that there was a missing 1x2 brick from the space-shuttle assembly kit.
It was believed at the time that we could finish the vessel without affecting the demanding launch schedule.
In hindsight Aah! It's all our fault! We were playing God, and you know it! Oh! And then, at the funeral, the LEGO astronaut's wife meets her husband's mistress.
Does she have big tits? May I join you? Of course, Mr.
Bond.
Aah! Aah! Ungh! Awesome! That was the best movie ever! I've never And top off that happy meal with a tasty apple pie.
Warning apple pies are hot.
Do not stick your [bleep.]
in the McDonald's apple pie.
What do you call Wilmer Valderrama's mom? A fez dispenser! Oh! I'll be here all week! Mommy, those people look like ants.
Oh, that's because we're landing in the Kingdom of the Ants! Aaah! Ah-ha! I got you.
I'm just kidding.
Would you mind keeping it down? I'm trying to read.
Oh, what the.
Oh, no! No, no, no! Okay, guys, Andy's almost home from college for spring break! Why would they celebrate a spring breaking? That's the saddest time for me.
Oh, slink.
Silly canine.
What a freaking jerk.
Andy's here! All right, ladies! Single file, front and center! Commander in chief on the premises! You mean Obama? He's not my president.
Tell my story! Etch! What's going on up there? Oh, lord! You've got to help that girl, sarge.
Oh, God! She won't stop screaming! What does "[bleep.]
my box dry" even mean?! This is awesome! Oh! Oof! Aw, damn it! I left my favorite toy back at the dorm.
His favorite toy? Time to improvise.
Aah! What's he doing with Buzz? Yes! And ready for a test drive.
He didn't.
Not Buzz.
To infinity and beyond! Domino, mother.
Buzz? Buzzed by Buzz! You okay? Hello, Woody! Do you know what my daddy did? Poop! He pooped! Boop-de-doop doop boop Ah, somebody left some poop in his pants.
It's okay, pal.
We're here for you.
And the farmer, he hauls Another load away! Bye, load! Bye, load! Good night, sweet prince.
We gonna play tomorrow? You bet, pal.
You bet.
To infinity And beyond.
Garfield, we have some bad news.
Oh, someone got a case of the Mondays? You have type-2 diabetes.
Oh, Garfield! Your love of lasagna was your undoing.
Actually, his astoundingly irresponsible owner was his undoing.
Whoa! Garfield plays by his own rules, Liz.
We need to remove all four feet.
W-what? Hands, too? You don't have hands, Garfield.
You're not people.
You're a pet with no job or income who somehow managed to consume enormous quantities of Italian cuisine year after year.
How much is this going to cost? Oh, about $2,200.
Uh, no.
No.
Jon? You did this to him! That's like a used car, man! I can't drop that kind of cash into a 13-year-old cat! Unh-unh.
No.
No! Negatory, good buddy.
Not givin' you No.
What's it gonna be, Garfield two dry food or spaghetti and meatballs?! Excellent.
I knew you'd make the right choice.
Attention, everyone.
We are now in orbit around the planet of hot chicks who turn out to be monsters.
But they're friendly monsters, and they're very horny.
Unfortunately, they have razor-sharp teeth in their vaginas.
Although they do have 10 breasts each.
Oh, and the ship is on fire.
Everyone remembers the heroic heroism that made captain "Sully" Sullenberger a hero.
But while one hero was born, another died in the bowels of the jet engine Launchpad McQuack.
For not filing an FAA flight plan, he and 17 seagulls paid the ultimate price.
All too common.
The decade we called the '90s introduced characters we thought we'd never forget, and then we did.
Darkwing Duck remembers.
Launchpad was his sidekick from 1991 to 1995.
Oh, that idiot! I lost everything in the flight And life, being a cruel bitch, now my daughter Gosalyn here needs money for a kidney transplant.
So I've donated my body.
To science? To this Chinese restaurant.
Let's get dangerous.
Hey, hey, hold on! Wait! Hold on! You said this would be humane! Wait! Wait! Stop! Stop! What the hell?! Hey, at least slit my throat first! Aah! Kill me! Come on, what the.
Aah! Aaaaaah!! Live ones cook better.
There's Waldo.
He hid from our eyes, but never from our hearts.
Later, he became a follower of the reverend Moonrise Sunbeam and took up permanent residence on his compound.
Well, I got tired of always standing out in the crowd.
From now on, I just want to be part of something bigger, man.
Brother Waldo, come join us for some fruit punch.
On August 12, 1998, all of America played "Where's Waldo" one last time on CNN.
There he is.
Mesagog planned to send the earth back to the mesozoic era That is, until the Power Rangers defeated him with mild gymnastics.
Turning humanity into dinosaurs How's that going? Well, I assume you're being facetious, since as you can clearly see, I'm now the manager of a Wendy's.
I'm trying to treat it like a minor setback.
The big roadblock was the dinosaur DNA Mr.
Mesagog! Mr.
Mesagog! Yo, Triple Stack Does it go cheese, bacon, meat, cheese, bacon, meat, cheese, bacon, meat; or meat, bacon, cheese, meat, bacon, cheese, meat, bacon, cheese; or bacon, bacon, cheese, bacon, meat, cheese, meat, meat? I always forget, yo.
Cheese, bacon, meat, meat, meat, bacon, cheese, bacon, cheese.
For a different perspective, I caught up with Pinky and the Brain, still incarcerated at ACME labs as test subjects.
Oh, the glory days when me and Brain was mates.
Narf! Moved him to a different cage, see? 'Member his big noggin? Zort! Thought he was smart, but it was paget's disease.
Side effects include crippling arthritis.
Oh, and I'm blind.
So, Pinky What'd you say, friend? You'll have to speak into the giant human ear! Troz! Ooh! Remember Daria? I know.
Yuck! I was anxious to get an acerbic, dry-witted take on the tumultuous '90s from this anti-feminine, basically asexual, boy-repelling train wreck.
Thanks for sitting down with us, Daria.
It's Daryl now.
All those years, I thought I was an exceptionally gross girl, when, in fact, I was a beautiful man.
I see.
How did this happen? Well, first they enlarged my clitoris with androgenic hormones.
Then they fashioned my labia into a makeshift scrotum.
Life's a crazy ride, especially if you have your urethra rerouted.
Sad fates for beloved characters from such a recent era.
Let us forever hold them in our hearts.
Dinner is served! Dad? Thisstill has a face on it.
E-e-e-e-e-e-e!
Sir, launch failure! Launch failure! Oh, my kids 6 to 12! Scramble emergency crews! And someone better get me answers and now! We're trying, sir.
Most of these computers are just painted on! Damn budget cuts! Aah! The pilots are still inside! It's no use! The window and the axe are made of the same material! They're done for.
Out of my way! Let's see how this door likes 450 horsepower.
Oh, it's a no go! The cable snapped like it was made of thread! Aah! They're burning alive! Their faces! Their horrible faces! Well, it would appear that there was a missing 1x2 brick from the space-shuttle assembly kit.
It was believed at the time that we could finish the vessel without affecting the demanding launch schedule.
In hindsight Aah! It's all our fault! We were playing God, and you know it! Oh! And then, at the funeral, the LEGO astronaut's wife meets her husband's mistress.
Does she have big tits? May I join you? Of course, Mr.
Bond.
Aah! Aah! Ungh! Awesome! That was the best movie ever! I've never And top off that happy meal with a tasty apple pie.
Warning apple pies are hot.
Do not stick your [bleep.]
in the McDonald's apple pie.
What do you call Wilmer Valderrama's mom? A fez dispenser! Oh! I'll be here all week! Mommy, those people look like ants.
Oh, that's because we're landing in the Kingdom of the Ants! Aaah! Ah-ha! I got you.
I'm just kidding.
Would you mind keeping it down? I'm trying to read.
Oh, what the.
Oh, no! No, no, no! Okay, guys, Andy's almost home from college for spring break! Why would they celebrate a spring breaking? That's the saddest time for me.
Oh, slink.
Silly canine.
What a freaking jerk.
Andy's here! All right, ladies! Single file, front and center! Commander in chief on the premises! You mean Obama? He's not my president.
Tell my story! Etch! What's going on up there? Oh, lord! You've got to help that girl, sarge.
Oh, God! She won't stop screaming! What does "[bleep.]
my box dry" even mean?! This is awesome! Oh! Oof! Aw, damn it! I left my favorite toy back at the dorm.
His favorite toy? Time to improvise.
Aah! What's he doing with Buzz? Yes! And ready for a test drive.
He didn't.
Not Buzz.
To infinity and beyond! Domino, mother.
Buzz? Buzzed by Buzz! You okay? Hello, Woody! Do you know what my daddy did? Poop! He pooped! Boop-de-doop doop boop Ah, somebody left some poop in his pants.
It's okay, pal.
We're here for you.
And the farmer, he hauls Another load away! Bye, load! Bye, load! Good night, sweet prince.
We gonna play tomorrow? You bet, pal.
You bet.
To infinity And beyond.
Garfield, we have some bad news.
Oh, someone got a case of the Mondays? You have type-2 diabetes.
Oh, Garfield! Your love of lasagna was your undoing.
Actually, his astoundingly irresponsible owner was his undoing.
Whoa! Garfield plays by his own rules, Liz.
We need to remove all four feet.
W-what? Hands, too? You don't have hands, Garfield.
You're not people.
You're a pet with no job or income who somehow managed to consume enormous quantities of Italian cuisine year after year.
How much is this going to cost? Oh, about $2,200.
Uh, no.
No.
Jon? You did this to him! That's like a used car, man! I can't drop that kind of cash into a 13-year-old cat! Unh-unh.
No.
No! Negatory, good buddy.
Not givin' you No.
What's it gonna be, Garfield two dry food or spaghetti and meatballs?! Excellent.
I knew you'd make the right choice.
Attention, everyone.
We are now in orbit around the planet of hot chicks who turn out to be monsters.
But they're friendly monsters, and they're very horny.
Unfortunately, they have razor-sharp teeth in their vaginas.
Although they do have 10 breasts each.
Oh, and the ship is on fire.
Everyone remembers the heroic heroism that made captain "Sully" Sullenberger a hero.
But while one hero was born, another died in the bowels of the jet engine Launchpad McQuack.
For not filing an FAA flight plan, he and 17 seagulls paid the ultimate price.
All too common.
The decade we called the '90s introduced characters we thought we'd never forget, and then we did.
Darkwing Duck remembers.
Launchpad was his sidekick from 1991 to 1995.
Oh, that idiot! I lost everything in the flight And life, being a cruel bitch, now my daughter Gosalyn here needs money for a kidney transplant.
So I've donated my body.
To science? To this Chinese restaurant.
Let's get dangerous.
Hey, hey, hold on! Wait! Hold on! You said this would be humane! Wait! Wait! Stop! Stop! What the hell?! Hey, at least slit my throat first! Aah! Kill me! Come on, what the.
Aah! Aaaaaah!! Live ones cook better.
There's Waldo.
He hid from our eyes, but never from our hearts.
Later, he became a follower of the reverend Moonrise Sunbeam and took up permanent residence on his compound.
Well, I got tired of always standing out in the crowd.
From now on, I just want to be part of something bigger, man.
Brother Waldo, come join us for some fruit punch.
On August 12, 1998, all of America played "Where's Waldo" one last time on CNN.
There he is.
Mesagog planned to send the earth back to the mesozoic era That is, until the Power Rangers defeated him with mild gymnastics.
Turning humanity into dinosaurs How's that going? Well, I assume you're being facetious, since as you can clearly see, I'm now the manager of a Wendy's.
I'm trying to treat it like a minor setback.
The big roadblock was the dinosaur DNA Mr.
Mesagog! Mr.
Mesagog! Yo, Triple Stack Does it go cheese, bacon, meat, cheese, bacon, meat, cheese, bacon, meat; or meat, bacon, cheese, meat, bacon, cheese, meat, bacon, cheese; or bacon, bacon, cheese, bacon, meat, cheese, meat, meat? I always forget, yo.
Cheese, bacon, meat, meat, meat, bacon, cheese, bacon, cheese.
For a different perspective, I caught up with Pinky and the Brain, still incarcerated at ACME labs as test subjects.
Oh, the glory days when me and Brain was mates.
Narf! Moved him to a different cage, see? 'Member his big noggin? Zort! Thought he was smart, but it was paget's disease.
Side effects include crippling arthritis.
Oh, and I'm blind.
So, Pinky What'd you say, friend? You'll have to speak into the giant human ear! Troz! Ooh! Remember Daria? I know.
Yuck! I was anxious to get an acerbic, dry-witted take on the tumultuous '90s from this anti-feminine, basically asexual, boy-repelling train wreck.
Thanks for sitting down with us, Daria.
It's Daryl now.
All those years, I thought I was an exceptionally gross girl, when, in fact, I was a beautiful man.
I see.
How did this happen? Well, first they enlarged my clitoris with androgenic hormones.
Then they fashioned my labia into a makeshift scrotum.
Life's a crazy ride, especially if you have your urethra rerouted.
Sad fates for beloved characters from such a recent era.
Let us forever hold them in our hearts.
Dinner is served! Dad? Thisstill has a face on it.
E-e-e-e-e-e-e!