Scrubs s05e04 Episode Script

I missed living with Turk, but living with Elliot wasn't that bad.
Hey, roomie.
I'm having the girls from my yoga class over for drinks.
And FYI, Tina, the tiny brunette, just got dumped, and she's looking for rebound sex.
Honestly, how could I be a better roommate? She could be half Turk and half Elliot.
Hey, dawg, if you die before me, you can play with my boobies while I finish.
I died, Turkiot.
Hello! - J.
D.
, what are you doing? - Nothing.
It looked like you were thinking about fondling my breasts.
If that's the case, then stop thinking and start fondling.
- What are you doing? - I miss having you as my roommate.
I don't know.
Keith's telling Mr.
Morrison about his brain tumor.
Seeing an intern tell someone they're gonna die for the first time is strange because even though it's a horrible and sad experience, if they get through it, there's a sense of accomplishment.
Nailed it! Hell, yeah! Good job, man.
What'd you say? I told him there's nothing more we can do right now.
Ooh.
- What? - "Nothing more we can do now" implies there's something we can do tomorrow.
I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Sounds like he's getting new pillows.
That man knows he's doomed! Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the word "die.
" Dead, dying, deadsies, Deadwood, your choice.
- What was the middle one? - Deadsies.
- Deadwood? - You know cowboys used to curse? I didn't know that.
Gather round, people! Dr.
Kelso has an announcement to make! That'll be all.
You can go back to doing what you were doing.
It was my day off.
Due to lack of funds, I'm shutting down our baby-mobile, which means there will no longer be free prenatal care for underprivileged women.
Bottom line: thinking about knocking up a homeless gal, I'd do it this weekend.
- Thank you, Colonel Doctor.
- Excuse me? I don't know your name, and you look like that Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.
Moving on.
This Friday, I am receiving an award from the AMA.
Jerk-Off of the Year.
No, Bastard of the Year.
Don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone to Kill Ya, Stuff Ya and Leave by My Bed, So When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face of the Year.
- And we're back.
Anyway, I need one of you attendings to introduce me at the dinner, so figure it out.
- How do we handle this? - Same way we have for years.
First one who falls introduces Kelso.
Unfortunately for you, I have the balance of a Careful.
You're about to let Dr.
Cox know you were a gymnast in high school.
Fine, let's do this.
Wheels up.
OK, come on, Dorian.
Find your center.
Around the rosie.
Hey! I got it! I don't got it! Whoa! Whoa! Reel it in.
Take it clockwise! Fight your fear! Come on, come on.
Be the chair.
You gotta want it, Johnny D! You gotta want it! Oooooooh! Oh! Tough break, there, Newbie.
Group! Position right! Ho! # I don't know, but I believe - # I don't know but I believe - # Newbie # I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # So I have to introduce Kelso.
Big whoop.
You don't understand the predicament you're in.
Kelso expects a long, glowing testimonial, the kind that make men cheer and women - What is it that women do? - How the hell would I know? They swoon.
If you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, your fellow attendings will think of you as a brownnosing toady.
On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell.
You're officially trapped.
I'll say something nice that's true.
You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible.
OK? Everyone has a human side, Coxie.
Even Kelso.
The hell he does.
I remember a flu epidemic, we lost half a dozen children in one day.
The second Kelso's foot hits the bottom of those stairs he has no cares in the world.
You know, Laverne, I'm a doctor.
I'm not gonna take my psychological evaluations from someone who dispenses them in between Maury and eating a corn muffin.
OK, that was too mean.
Apologize.
Laverne, I The hell with it.
She's not gonna forgive you.
Go for broke! I was watching CNN earlier.
Apparently the terror alert in your armpits has been elevated to orange.
Oh, no, he didn't.
Yes, Laverne, he did.
"Laverne, I'm a doctor.
" You're a bit of a know-it-all, aren't you? - Well, I know a lot.
- Yeah? Who was Deep Throat? Mark Felt, the FBI guy.
That's been all over the news.
Oh, sorry, rich boy.
My TV doesn't get the news.
Just The Bible Channel and some kind of Chinese boxing.
Bet you don't know how to play Jiggly Ball.
- That's because there's no such thing.
- I knew you didn't know.
If I just follow Dr.
Kelso around for a while, he'll do something decent.
I'm a master of stealth, I can sneak up on anybody.
Why are you following me? Sir, aren't you being a little paranoid? I was in 'Nam, you know.
They pulled off my fingernails.
When did you get an earring? Enid, I'm not cheating on you.
This earring is mine.
See? It's a hip-hop world, son.
Keep up or get out of the way.
I gotta get an earring.
- Turk, have you heard of Jiggly Ball? - It's a game the orderlies made up.
I've heard of it too.
It's so awesome that we've both heard of it.
Yes.
That that's awesome.
Mr.
Keck.
What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia? I don't know if surgery is necessary.
Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic.
The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Get him on the phone and tell him I won't be second-opinioned by a doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap! - Gimme some! Ho! - Here it is.
I think I know this guy.
A cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him and looking at him like he's in love? - You would make a pretty girl.
- Yeah.
All right, now repeat after me: "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty.
" And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"? Yeah.
Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
- Who the hell is this? - Where are my shoelaces? I said tell him he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive.
Was that so hard? Mr.
Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die.
I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the day checking that countertop's heartbeat.
- Sorry, Mr.
Morrison.
- Keith! I think Mr.
Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.
Now, the hospital is running an experimental drug trial on a medication that they're hoping will reduce the size of tumors.
And, well, I'm gonna try my hardest to get you in there.
I really appreciate that, sir.
Ahh, checking Mr.
Countertop's heart rate.
Memories.
Do you know that, once, Dr.
Cox made me give every AC unit in this hospital a Pap smear? The wacky thing was room 403 did have some yeast issues.
Look, Dr.
Cox, this intro is killing me.
Have you seen Kelso? Nope.
But our new patient, Mr.
Franks, in here is crazy rich, so I'd imagine Big Bob will be here momentarily to make love to his money clip.
Hi.
Bob Kelso.
Listen up, bozos.
That gentleman over there is basically a cash piñata waiting to be whacked open.
So how about someone diagnoses him so I can get my candy? I'll be glad to do it, Bob, if you'll do me a favor and put my patient, Mr.
Morrison, - in that experimental drug trial.
- Sure, what the hell.
Deal.
Finally I had something I could say in my speech.
Dr.
Kelso was an angel.
Lorraine, the sooner you let me have a look at that rash, the sooner we can get you back home.
I mean, back on the street, which is your home.
"Home, street home," huh? I'm sorry, that was insensitive.
Frick! So this is where germs are born.
I cannot believe you told these guys.
Elliot, she didn't.
My patient told me that his clinic doctor was this blonde-haired woman who talked in such a high-pitched voice when she was upset, her words just became gibberish.
I really do not talk like that.
I'm getting tired of you guys constantly saying Elliot, nobody but me can understand you.
That's Turk, that's how he is.
You knew she worked here? I can't believe you kept a secret.
Remember your wedding, you sold me out to Turk? You showed up drunk at my shower screaming through tears I'd never be as connected to him as you are.
Turk knew I was joking.
We're so emotionally connected.
Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Really? I think your hernia patient does.
- I'm not upset about that.
- It's obvious you are.
It's more obvious to me, baby Turk.
This isn't great, but it's not like I think about being yelled at by Dr.
Cox or playing Jiggly Ball.
How do I not know about this game? At this clinic, I practice medicine for people who really need me.
I mean, honestly, I feel like I belong here.
Dr.
Cole just got stabbed in the parking lot, and we're out of gauze.
- Is it cool if I take lunch? - This place is crushing my soul.
Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic? - Who? - Dr.
Reid? I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
She and J.
D.
used to sleep together.
- J.
D.
? - That's not even funny.
Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.
Whoa, whoa.
You wanna hear a weird coincidence? The pathology just came back on Dr.
Kelso's rich patient.
He has the same brain tumor as your guy, Mr.
Morrison.
I don't know why we were running, because I think we both knew that we couldn't change anything.
Given a choice between a rich guy and a poor guy, it was pretty obvious who Bob Kelso would put in the drug trial, and who he'd leave behind.
Another banner day at Sacred Heart.
A best friend stuck in a crappy job a nice guy slowly dying without a fighting chance.
It's a wonder how anyone can walk out of this place with a smile on their face.
We have to help Elliot get her job back.
There's no money to hire another attending.
Maybe, though.
Dr.
Bailey was fired last night.
Why? For this procedure, I'm going to have to numb you.
Num-num-num-num-num.
- You know, in Dr.
Bailey's defense - No, no, no, no.
- There have been times - No.
So anyways, we figured if I offered to do the nursing schedules, and these guys volunteered to do shifts at the clinic, - Kelso might give you your job back.
- No, thanks.
Why? I can't do your paperwork, I am swamped! I got you your job back.
I am not giving you my last Tater Tot! I got you your job back.
J.
D.
, I don't care if they're able to attach one person's limbs onto another's body, I am not giving you my hands! Job back! Just a beautiful film.
Beautiful.
Corn? Oh, let me help you.
Let me I got you.
Here you go.
You're tickling your hands.
Stop! You're tickling your hands.
- Buttery.
- OK, keep going.
I enjoy it, actually.
Ah.
Two and a half years away from chest hands.
I have to handle this on my own, OK? See? These are chest hands.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- 'Course, yours would be brown.
The next day started poorly.
I had eight hours until Kelso's awards dinner, and someone was boxing me out.
Hey, Bob, I need to talk to you about my drug trial patient.
We lost him, Newbie.
Bob? I can see you.
For God's sake, you're three-dimensional.
It's true, Mr.
Keck, you could probably get by without the surgery.
But why would you? I'm the smartest, most skilled surgeon in this place.
You stuck in that candy machine? I paid for my Rolos, I'm getting my Rolos.
Mm-hmm.
Nice! Why aren't you mocking him? I dropped a quarter in here.
Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
She said she doesn't want help.
If J.
D.
were drowning and said he didn't want you to save him, - wouldn't you? - Depends.
What if there're hot chicks? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
- Say there's no women.
- There's always women at the pool! - Fine.
He's in a pond.
- Oh, I would never swim in a pond.
- They're infamous for serpents.
- You could swim at the Y, - men only.
- Have you been on man night? - Not me.
- Fine! - Turk's the one who's drowning! - So now a brother can't swim.
- Why do you have to go there? - Oh, my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.
She's the idiot.
We're doctors.
Bob, I'm physically touching your arm now.
Oh, come on, I know you're here.
Oh, hi, Perry! What can I do for you? I just wanted to introduce you to our chief of medicine.
Sir, I can't tell you how well everyone's treating me.
That's what we're here for.
You forgot to tell him you were bumping him from the trial.
- I've got work to do, Perry.
- You're not going anywhere.
You hearin' that? What kinda glass is this? Ow.
There was one spot open in the study.
I gave it to the rich guy because with the money he's donating, I can reopen the prenatal unit.
What really bothers me is that you can look in there at John Morrison, a guy you essentially gave a death sentence to and just not care.
It's not my job to care, Perry.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - No.
I'm busy cleaning.
That one always kills.
Remember when I told you I'd never heard of Jiggly Ball? I was joking.
I play it all the time.
I like this.
It's an idiot handle.
Get off.
We're heading out now to play some Jiggly Ball.
- Are you in? - Just say no.
Jiggle me in.
You're gonna go first.
Please enter the jiggly circle.
Everybody else, on my signal, prepare to throw.
- Throw? - Now.
Now, anyone who caught a jiggle rebound may step up to the death line.
I want you to think of this as a corn muffin.
Oh! There is no such thing as Jiggly Ball, is there? No.
- Good.
- Guys, why? Janitor told us if we pretended to know, we get to throw balls at you.
- Couldn't pass it up! - Got my shift covered! I could see where it would be funny from the outside of the circle.
- Ah! - Ah! Hey, Kelso's leaving for his award thing, so if you want to talk to him about Dr.
Reid, do it now.
- I told you guys to leave it alone.
- Would you stop being so proud? I'm proud? Carla, after the wedding, you wouldn't take Turk's name! I use it for official things.
Calling you Mrs.
Turk in the bedroom isn't official.
But it is officially hot! You freaked when the patient listened to me over you.
J.
D.
, you just let the entire hospital pummel you because you were too proud to admit you didn't know Jiggly Ball.
I think there may be something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
Elliot, look, we just care about you.
Yeah, well, don't worry about it.
I'll get back on top on my own.
Chop-chop, Dorian.
Even though I had no clue what I was gonna say, Elliot's attitude inspired me to go introduce the hell out of Bob Kelso.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr.
Bob Kelso is a Thank you, Dr.
Dorian.
Thank you so much for this award.
Delighted to see you all Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just he just likes when people say his name.
Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.
Over the next few weeks, I couldn't help thinking about what I had planned to say in my speech.
About how pride defines who we are.
This guy has an STD, and he definitely doesn't want his wife to find out.
Crap.
As far as Bob Kelso goes, I know sometimes even the good things he does are for the wrong reasons.
I'd like everyone to welcome back Dr.
Reid.
Still, I also know that I wouldn't want to have to make any of the decisions that he makes.
When all is said and done, I'd like to think he does care a little even if he's too proud to show it.