Shameless US s05e04 Episode Script
A Night to Remem... Wait, What?
Here's what went down last week on Shameless.
Me.
A lot.
Ew.
Carl.
I handled enough personal liability claims to know what a six-figure payout looks like.
You better bring me a mangled femur.
Hey, if you don't have the stones to hobble yourself, find someone who'll do it for you.
- Aah! - You promised to help terrorize my parents in exchange for me giving you stuff.
A deal's a deal.
How much to stop dating her? - How about $5,000? - Is he serious? He's gonna pay me not to date your daughter? How about $10,000? Should have held out.
- You lost your virginity? - Does it count if it's rape? A million guys would kill to be raped by you.
- Oh, would you shut up already? - You hear Amy crying? You're more into the babies than you are me.
I'm sorry that I care about their well-being.
What about my well-being? Our bassist plays.
He's kind of a genius.
- Are you asking me on a date? - I'll see you there.
This is my girlfriend, Gigi.
- Your girlfriend? - Fiona is Gus's friend.
Holy shit.
think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? Wakey, wakey.
Come on, buddy.
Up and at 'em.
- Morning.
- Well, you're in a good mood for a man covered in pigeon shit.
I think I overdid it last night.
Celebrating my last day below the poverty line.
- Win the lottery? - Insurance payout.
I earned it, too.
Broke my femur last winter.
- Tore all-- - Yeah.
Good for you.
Meanwhile, why don't you wait for your limousine somewhere else? it's hot in here even with the fan on and I'm sweaty my balls are sweaty, too - Uh, huh.
Go on.
- but I am cool with that yeah, 'cause I am cool with you The Ballad Of Sweaty Balls? Yeah, that's-- that's the title.
Just got to come up with a bridge.
How are we not sick of each other? Hm, yeah, it's only been a week.
So any day now? Actually, it's been about 9 days and 12 hours, but, you know, who's counting? Do you like that? - Oh, yeah.
- Nice.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, thanks for the ride.
It's weird to see you here.
Like, I cut you out of a photograph and pasted you into this background.
Yeah.
You know, it's weird for me to see me here.
So glad you came.
Come on.
It's, uh-- It's nice you know, if you like this kind of thing.
Girls are out playing a squash tournament.
My parents are cheering them on.
They're all driving me insane.
I mean, my little sisters are cute, but they know it.
So you sort of want to drown them.
And my older sister's a programmed robot, would jump off a building if my parents told her to.
And my dad-- Well, you know my dad.
Oh, yeah.
He, ah, he want his 10 grand back? Don't hate me because my dad's a douchebag.
As long as I get a break from hauling rocks, douchebaggery is-- it's not a problem.
a nigga gotta get that money - that money - a nigga gotta get - that dough - that dough a nigga gotta get that money - that money - a nigga gotta get - that dough - that dough a nigga gotta get that money Hey.
What's up, yo? How's your day looking? Well, I was thinking I should go on the pill.
- So, you're gonna be-- - Well, since things are over with Matty, I figure it's best to be prepared for next time, - don't you? - Yeah.
But there's-- there's more than pregnancy to worry about.
How about we stick to condoms? They're only 82% effective.
I should use the pill as a back-up.
Okay.
I'll make an appointment at Planned Parenthood.
- I got to run.
- Huh, like you need to be - somewhere.
- While you're sitting on your lazy ass, I'll be at my job.
What job? And please eat more than just a pop-tart.
I got hired at the fruit market.
You only said that because she handed you a piece of fruit.
What would you even do there? You can't even walk.
Uh, morning.
Everybody, this is Gus.
We got in late last night.
And, well, you're meeting him now.
That's, ah, Debbie, Carl, and Liam.
- Hi.
- Who are you again? He's with Fiona, stupid.
She mentioned him, like, Boyfriend and girlfriend or just fuck buddies? Welcome to my family.
Lou.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I do business at the office, Frank, not at my house.
Just tell me if my insurance check came in.
For your leg? The hell else would I mean? Yeah, it's in.
How much? - 121 grand.
- Sweet mother of Jesus.
$121,000.
I'm gonna rebuild my brewery.
What's that smell? It's pigeon shit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you celebrated last night, and then you blacked out.
- And your point? - The check came in.
Okay, you showed up at exactly this time yesterday - to sign for it.
- No.
You told me it was coming in on Tuesday.
I wrote it down.
And it is Wednesday.
What the hell happened to Tuesday? I never black out for a whole day unless I'm smoking crack.
Well, we opened you an account at Dorset Bank, okay? Full balance was deposited yesterday by wire.
Do you promise you're not just messing with me? - Good-bye, Frank.
- Ha.
I'd kiss you, Lou, only neither of us would enjoy that.
Yes! Yeah, great.
Just put them on the couch.
What's that? They found my suitcase.
Suitcase? From my trip.
Trip? Uh, right, forgot.
I'm sorry, are you still waiting around for, like, a fucking tip or something? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you guys lost the baggage, right? That means go.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Holy fuck.
Nice suitcase, Mr.
Shang.
Somebody rings the doorbell, tells me he's with an airline, and hands me somebody's shit.
- Ass clown.
- Switched the last two numbers in the address.
He'll be back for it, you know.
He's gonna be shit out of luck, won't he? Think this'll fit? Kind of sexy.
Case, shirt, socks Lisinopril.
Should I Google it? See what it does? No.
You should give me some, and I'll let you know.
I'm gonna wash this down with a beer.
- You want one? - Yeah, fuck it.
See, what you have to understand is, they're not identical twins.
They're whatever it is when-- when you're not identical.
Separate individuals.
Like when I serve them grapes, they're a choking hazard.
That's why I cut them this way and once that way.
Amy loves them, goes crazy for them.
But Jemma, gives her diarrhea.
Separate individuals.
And that's Amy waking up first, excuse me.
- Hey.
- What? Would you please stop torturing the girl? She's been babysitting since she was 14.
Well, why can't Fiona do it? Or your mom? Fiona is working, and mama is playing bingo.
We haven't been on a date since the kids were born.
I need to get dressed up and be sexy for my man.
And baby, I need to get laid.
Maybe we can get a motel room.
That sounds great and all, but-- But what? I-I-I-I just-- I don't feel comfortable leaving the girls with a complete stranger.
Maybe in a couple months or something.
Louise, thank you for coming by.
Tonight isn't gonna work out.
Baby, I'm sorry.
- It's just-- - No.
You don't want to go on a date, you can stay here and feed Jemma grapes.
Not Jemma.
Not Jemma, Amy.
Babysit them until they're 18.
I don't give a shit.
I'll go on date night by myself.
You like it? This is your parents' room? Before they're back, let's have sex on their bed.
I'm game.
Vagina sex.
That's like-- that's-- that's kind of a big deal for you, right? I mean, well, what changed? You are such a commitment-phobe.
No, no, no.
I'm just-- I'm just curious.
Well, I wrote on Facebook that I was saving myself for my future husband.
But no one thought it was romantic.
You know, not if I'm gonna tell them that I've been fucked in the ass and blown guys and had them jerk off in my face.
You put that on Facebook? Also, try not to freak out about this, but I like you.
We're not gonna get married or anything.
Right? So you're good practice.
take a ride with your nigga take a ride with your nigga take a ride with your nigga won't you ride with me Tiny Tim.
What's up? Yo, I'm supposed to work with you guys.
Work my johnson.
G-Dog around? What about G? He said I could help out.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
- What's up? - Put those on, man.
Khakis and docksiders? Look.
White people, they be coming from downtown, driving their Lexus and whatnot right? But they afraid to stop.
They be taking our money to the fucking Polacks on 18th.
I need a kid they ain't afraid of.
You know, a little white boy on crutches and shit.
You know, you're like a-- a greeter at Walmart.
You feel me? Now look, put that shit on, son.
And if you see a cracker buying crack, your ass better jump.
You hear me? Sir, would you like more coffee? Oh.
Well, thank you, ma'am.
You want sugar in that? Or if it's too hot, I could blow on it.
- You know what's weird? - Hmm? Sitting in a family diner with an erection.
I'll keep that image in mind while I'm clearing plates of fried eggs.
If he's gonna enjoy our air conditioning all day, he's got to order more than an English muffin.
I'll make him have pancakes.
Looky you.
You're glowing, girl.
It must be all that good sex.
Best part is there's no drama, which usually just means I'm bored.
But instead, I think I'm just happy.
We're glad for you.
Let us know how week two goes.
I, um-- I made--uh, I opened an account here yesterday.
Name's Frank Gallagher.
Security? Uh, Mr.
Gallagher.
I'll-- I'll take this, Lindsay.
Thank you.
We're fine.
Uh, can I get you anything? Coffee? Danish? No.
What kind of danish? Here.
Sit.
Go.
So, uh, where did we leave off? Our, uh, premium money market is at 1.
65.
But say we pair you with a financial manager, personalize your portfolio, focus on your long-term financial goals, your-- your plan for retirement? I want to make a withdrawal.
- What? - My money.
I want to get it.
We don't have it.
- How's that? - You-- You withdrew it yesterday.
We-- we had to send out to that other branch for those hundreds.
It's not every day someone wants $121,000 in cash, so - I got all of it? - Yes.
But if you'd like to leave a portion of your settlement with us to invest, we'd certainly-- Did I happen to say where I was going when I left here? No.
I say anything at all? Just that you were going to celebrate.
I take it you had fun.
Debbie.
How was your party? Ally's cousin told us about it.
- It was fun.
- Maybe not so fun for the boy you raped.
Never heard of that.
A girl who had to rape a boy to get laid.
How does that work? Get the fuck off me.
Hey, whoa.
Whoa, hey.
Get off.
Hey.
Hey, whoa.
Hey.
Cut it-- Come on.
Four on one, that's not cool.
None of your fucking business.
Yeah? Why don't you find four other girls to fight? I'll let you tear each other's eyes out.
Otherwise beat it.
Rapist bitch.
That-- that was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
You okay? Yeah.
Look, I saw you throw the first punch.
If you're gonna start a four-on-one like that, you better pick up some moves 'cause that was pathetic.
Wait! What's Reflex Athletics? What are you working on? A video game.
I write music for video games.
You didn't tell me that.
That's cool.
You want cool? Okay.
Well, uh, this game is called "Ham Scramble.
" It's for ages 4 and up.
You have to smash as many little pigs as possible with a big purple hammer.
What music goes with that? Oh, I'm creating a moving stream motif as a reminder of our own mortality.
It plays every time one of the little green pigs gets crushed.
- The pigs are green? - They are.
Did I mention that I'm falling in love with you? No.
Uh, thank you.
Yeah, I just, uh-- I wasn't gonna say anything.
A thought that I had.
Go away, now it's awkward.
Come on.
- Uh, more coffee, please.
- Uh.
Thanks.
- Hi.
- Whatever time you get off work tonight, you're going dancing.
And if you have other plans, you're gonna cancel.
- Anything else? - You can't bring your new boyfriend.
- Okay.
- It's not negotiable, so don't try it.
I need to get dressed up like a sex object and be objectified, not be the third wheel to you and your new squeeze.
In fact, I don't even want to hear about him.
Not how great he is or how many times an hour you bang it out.
Going through a sex famine over here.
You know what he just told me? What did I just say? That he's falling in love with me.
- Damn.
- I mean, we've only been seeing each other a week.
You didn't say it back, did you? - No.
- Good girl.
But I'm, like, freaking out.
I mean, I'm-- I'm-- I'm standing by the register, and I'm, like, tingling.
Hello? Oh, hell, yeah.
There he is.
I always took you for a nickel and diming cheapskate, Frank.
But last night, you restored my faith in humanity.
- Raise them up to Frank.
- Yeah! Take it I bought a few rounds last night.
You practically bought the bar, Frank.
And not the cheap stuff.
Nothing out of plastic bottles.
What did I spend? Couple grand, maybe.
Couple of grand.
Jesus fuck.
Did I happen to say where I was going when I left here? I was passed out by then, Frank.
Damn.
Sounds like I missed a good time.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong, Frank? Searching the deepest recesses of my memory looking for a clue to the whereabouts of a lost fucking fortune.
Ah, you misplaced a 20, did you? That's too bad.
- Try checking your pockets.
- Right.
Like I'm not gonna realize I'm-- Hold on.
Holy shit.
That says Porsche.
You stole a Porsche? I might have bought one.
Is this where you learned to fight? Nah.
I learned in juvie.
After I got raped three or four times, I figured I should pick up a few moves.
- Really? - No.
Um, I-- I want to learn how to fight.
I thought maybe you could train me.
- What, like karate kid? Wax on.
- Wah.
Look, this is Chicago.
You want to fight? Punch the other girl in the tit.
You want to box? - You take a class.
- I can't afford a class.
They'll give you a trial class for free.
Ask at the desk.
Tiny Tim, you up.
Welcome to 14th and Main.
I'll be your server.
What will you be having? - The fuck you give him? - What? The man gave you a 20.
That's a quarter gram.
You gave up a teener.
That's 1.
5.
- Now you owe me a hundred bucks.
- What? Out here, niggers get shot for this shit.
So you better find a way to get me paid.
- Huh? - Ah, Jesus.
Kermit, what are you doing back there? Resting.
Oh, what a night, huh? You were with me last night? You don't remember? What happened after the Alibi? Leave out nothing.
Well, you bought this car from Bobby Faring.
Fuck.
So that leaves 61 minus the Alibi.
Call it 59.
And then you bought crack.
And I-I didn't want any, so you did it all.
And we drove to Chinatown for dim sum.
Oh, you made it.
Hi, yeah.
Thanks for having me.
It's, uh, nice to see you.
Hey.
You have my 10 grand, right? No? Okay.
Well, let's just call it, like-- like 4% interest.
- So what would that be? Like-- - Jason.
This is adorable Marsha and her nanny, Yohania.
Adorable Wendy and her nanny, Thais.
Everyone, this is Lip.
- Guys.
- You hungry? Yohania can make you a quesadilla.
Oh, no.
No, I'm okay.
Thank you, though.
They, uh-- they each have a nanny? Yes.
And I know you want a quesadilla.
You said you were starving earlier.
Oh, no.
Yohania, she's got enough to do.
She's not a slave.
- She's a nanny.
- Right.
Dad, are you locking the wine fridge because Lip is here? Please don't pick a fight.
Well, he never locks it.
You said douchebaggery would not be a problem.
Well, if you met my dad, you know, you, uh-- you really wouldn't sweat it.
I'll make us cocktails.
Right.
Now this is what I'm talking about.
Drinking, dancing, guys looking at my ass.
Do you some good, too.
What do you want? Vodka soda? Vodka vodka.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
Two vodka soda.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Keep doing that.
Hey.
This is yours.
Would you mind if we left, like, right now? And don't pretend like you give a shit because I saw you over here texting your boyfriend.
We just got here.
Hey.
- What happened? - I'm not proud of it.
Okay.
I was on the dance floor with this guy.
We started getting friction going.
And I had an orgasm.
I thought I should get out of there before he started getting any ideas.
- Wait, you had an-- - That's how horny and lonely I've been these days, like a dog humping a lamppost.
Kev giving all his love to those babies.
Did I just cheat on Kev? It wasn't intentional, right? I didn't go on the dance floor thinking it was gonna happen.
But once the grinding started, yeah.
That shit was intentional.
So we had dim sum.
Then what? I-I had so many pork buns, I had to nap in the car.
You again? No, we're not eating.
We're just checking the place-- Ready for more? This way.
Gambling.
Goddammit.
Do you-- do you think you lost money? Well, what do you think? Since I woke up with nothing.
That table? Thousand-dollar limit.
No, thank you.
Your friend is expert at pai gow.
Very aggressive.
Almost lost everything.
Then double his money.
Left with three ladies.
- Very lucky guy.
- You hear that? You doubled your money.
I say where I was going? No.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I thought you were hanging out with your friend tonight.
I wanted to see you.
Well.
Uh, beer? I'm falling in love with you, too.
Okay.
Is it? yeah you don't know what you want you're such a big shot, big mouth and that's all that you got you got, you got, you got, you got yeah we ain't messing around we spread love, don't kill and shake some solid ground some ground, some ground, some ground, some ground Girl boxers at the gym are in seriously good shape.
Might take me a few weeks to get ripped like that.
If you want to know how to put on some muscle mass, I'm your guy.
Besides, MMA chicks are super hot.
It must be kind of weird dating a chick who can kick your ass.
Oh, good morning, baby.
Hey.
Morning, Debs.
Hi, V.
I was just dropping Liam off.
- See you, Kev.
- See you later, Deb.
Yeah.
I said I'd watch Liam for a couple hours.
How was last night? Was it fun? - It was fine.
- Yeah? I'm sorry I didn't go.
I better go open the bar.
Probably guys huddled around the door with the shakes.
All right.
Say bye to mommy.
Say bye to the girls.
Bye, mama.
Bye.
Bye, mama.
Patsy's.
This is Melinda, can I help you? Hey, ah, it's Fiona.
I'm scheduled for a double today.
But I'm just not feeling great.
I was wondering if it's not busy, maybe you don't need me? And you guys can take my tables.
Sean, it's Fiona.
Says she's not feeling-- No, no, no, no.
Don't put Sean on.
You can't make the lunch shift? No, no.
I can.
I can.
I just thought if it wasn't busy-- Yeah, all right.
Well, you're off the hook.
- But I need you for dinner.
- Sure.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
- What the fuck? - Morning.
What are you wearing? Oh, you mean this? It was just something I threw on.
- What the fuck? - Okay.
So your suitcase gave me an idea, right? So I went to the airport, and they even have unclaimed baggage just off to the side just sitting there.
- Are you wearing Mink? - No, it's fake, but it's nice.
Yes? No.
It's not nice, look.
I hate to burst your bubbles here.
You both look fucking insane.
This all you got? We have electric shavers, Jamaican rum, and this.
Oh.
- That has a hair on it.
- What? You don't want it? No, I-- You touch me with that, I will knock the teeth out of your head.
- I will knock the teeth-- - If I touch you with this? What the fuck is wrong with you? En garde.
Pow.
What the fuck is wrong with you? This is not funny.
I'm not fucking Star Wars-- No way.
A Porsche.
Shut the fuck up.
You get the insurance money? Sammi can't know about this.
- Is she around? - No.
She says you owe her an RV.
Shit.
Can I get a hundred bucks? Don't have it.
You know if I snuck back into the house night before last? Hid something under the floorboards, maybe, or in the back yard? Don't think so.
Can I take it for a spin? No.
You have a credit card? Let me see that.
It says The Loren.
It's a hotel key.
Can I just tell you how happy I am right now? Really? Because at the diner yesterday, I thought maybe I went too far.
No.
- You make me feel sane.
- Hmm? And I want to be around you all the time, even when we're not fucking.
I mean, no.
We're usually fucking.
But during the brief windows of time when we're doing other things besides fucking, like eating pancakes with our hands-- You want to get married? What? I mean, my folks met on a Tuesday - and married two days later.
- No shit? No.
My dad-- he was shipping off for Vietnam-- asked her.
She said yes.
Are they still together? Yeah.
Still are.
- I'd marry you.
- Oh, would you? Why? Is there a reason I shouldn't? - No.
I'm a good choice.
- I'm a great choice.
Well, if it were up to me, I'd do it today.
- Do it right now.
- Oh.
All right.
Marriage in Chicago.
Yep.
All right.
Open that.
Well, should we wait till after we're married? No.
It's crap champagne.
All right.
Chicago.
Same-day weddings.
You can get a marriage license at the courthouse, get married in the same building.
Download application for wedding license.
Boom.
Print one? What are you waiting for? All right.
Slow motion.
Hands relaxed.
Fingers together.
So as you throw the hook, you're gonna rotate your body until your right heel comes off the ground.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Now faster.
What is going on? I might need to work on my form.
I'm digging the naked clerical work.
All right.
So here.
We just have to fill these out, turn them in at the courthouse.
Okay, are you related to Applicant A? Who's Applicant A? That would be me.
Am I related to you? I love that they have to ask that.
Uh, you're not gonna take my last name, are you? I'm-- I'm-- I mean, I'm cool either way, but-- Fender? Fiona Fender? Why not? Fiona Fender.
That was actually a P at the front.
- Where? Come on.
- Seriously.
In front of the F.
See? It's silent.
Nobody ever reads it right.
Actually, you know what? You don't have to take my name.
No, no, no.
I want to.
I want to.
Fiona P-Fender.
That's-- That's p-fucked up.
- It's p-fucking sexy.
- Mmm.
Hey, what time is it? I've got to be at work at p-five, and I can lose this p-job.
Well, if we are going to squeeze a wedding in, we have got to get a move on.
Come on.
Whoa.
They said I'm paid up till tonight.
Guess your old man's got fancy taste in hotel rooms.
And Chinese prostitutes.
_ '86 Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
- How much was this? - $2,100.
But you order it.
You left your jacket.
I assume since you're here, I paid in advance? Through the weekend.
So if you and your boy want to do some-- Tell me everything that happened when you last saw me.
We were partying.
Just us? And some dentists you met downstairs in town for the convention.
And a guy that works out front at the hot dogs.
And a businessman from down the hall.
You and him left together.
Wait, wait, wait.
What kind of businessman? He left his card.
Diamond.
Diamond Appreciations.
Yeah.
It's Frank Gallagher.
I'm looking for-- Frank! What a night we had.
Yeah.
About that-- I know you're nervous.
Lot of money to hand over to a stranger.
How much was it again? $113,000.
But Frank, trust me.
It was the best investment you could make.
No, no, no.
I never doubted it.
Tell me, how soon do you think-- What are you doing now? Uh, you want to come to the office? See for yourself? Uh, give me that address.
Have you declared a major, Lip? Engineering.
Well, you didn't see that coming.
Or microrobotics.
You know, I haven't made up my mind yet.
Dad's an engineer.
He invented a line of water-free urinals.
- Oh, really? - I didn't invent the urinals.
I, uh, worked on the sealing cartridge and gasket.
There's a lot of money in urine.
- It never goes out of fashion.
- Nice.
What are you-- what are you working on now? - Packing materials.
- He filed a patent for a biodegradable alternative to styrofoam.
- Oh.
What's it made of? - It's a type of fungi.
- Smells like mushrooms.
- You take any substrate of industrial waste, like-- like, uh, chopped-up cornstalks.
And you inject it with myselium, and-- see? It's not very interesting.
So you just-- you pour it around the object that you're packing and then it hardens? That's right.
Becomes a mold of the object.
You know, if you want, I will show you my workshop later.
Sure.
Yeah.
I just, uh-- I just realized that we - don't have any wedding rings.
- That's okay.
Yeah, I have my grandma's engagement ring, but it's at my mom's house.
Don't we need something for the ceremony? Oh, wait.
Flowers.
Try 2.
Oh, look.
Rubber bands.
There's our wedding rings.
I can make a little corsage.
Put a flower in your buttonhole.
Oh.
You don't have a buttonhole.
I'll just unzip my fly.
This is stupid, right? Right.
Unless it's not.
Right? I got to be at work in an hour.
Should we just go? Okay.
Unless we shouldn't.
Gus Pfender and Fiona Gallagher.
Put that someplace safe.
- Are you good with fractions? - Fractions of what? Like if you have a 16th of an ounce of something, how many grams would that be? - You dealing drugs? - No.
If Fiona found out I was helping you with your drug fractions, she'd have my scalp.
No one's telling Fiona anything.
Basic overview.
You got flaps, half G's, G's, teeners, An ounce is 28 grams, but really it's 28.
35.
An 8-ball is 3.
54, and a teener is 1.
77.
But the dealers round down.
So they pocket the extra 0.
35.
You following? I might need to write this down.
the times we had oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow were not all bad we put our feet just where they had had to go never to go the shattered soul following close but nearly twice as slow in my good times there were always golden rocks to throw Holy fuck.
Totally.
What do we do now? I think I just hand this to him to sign.
Holy fuck.
those were our times those were our times I'm looking for Diamond Appreciations.
Clearly, I'm in the wrong place.
Maybe there's an office upstairs or-- or-- Frank.
Buddy? Now I understand this was personal for you.
- This is your son.
- Yeah.
- What's your name, my friend? - Carl.
Whatever the prognosis is for your leg, Carl, do not despair.
It's no big deal.
Brave boy.
I'm Buddy Diamond.
I founded this organization.
Hold on.
Your name is Diamond? Come this way.
Fuck.
Whoa.
As you know, most insurance plans have a cap on what they'll pay for prosthetic limbs.
But thanks to you, these homeless children will live normal lives, play in the school yard, ride bikes, run for the sheer joy of it.
Kids, this is the man I told you about.
This is why you have legs.
Such a-- such a noble enterprise.
It's wonderful what you're doing for these kids.
I am so moved by it.
I knew you would be.
- But I need the money back.
- What? There's been a mistake.
And it's regrettable.
And while I would prefer cash, I'll take a check.
The money's been spent.
That's what I brought you here to see.
No, no.
I need that money back.
It's not possible.
Frank, you paid for half a dozen prosthetics, including this beauty here with silicone skin that goes for $60,000.
One leg? 60 grand? Hey.
Hey.
That doesn't belong to you.
- No, no.
- Give me back my leg.
- Give it back.
- This is not your leg.
- Don't take my leg.
- No.
This is-- No.
I paid for the damn leg.
That's all the money I've got in the world.
This is my insurance settlement.
Got to get my money back.
- You work out a lot.
- Yeah.
Pro boxers train four to six hours a day.
- Are you pro? - Nah.
But I came in third last year in all-city.
How'd you get into boxing? When I was 10, my dad beat my mom up really bad.
Wanted to be able to defend her, so I started training.
Really? No.
Are you gonna stick with it? Think so.
All that money.
All that fucking money wasted on child amputees, for Christ's sake.
There's a lesson here, son.
Charity is accepting help from others, - not the other way around.
- Okay.
And taking prescription medications while drinking and then smoking pot and then smoking crack can lead to questionable decisions.
- Can we get out of here? - I got to get that image out of my head of that girl hopping after me.
Hop, hop, hop, hop.
At least you still got the car.
And a half a bottle of massively overpriced wine.
It's that guy.
Let's go.
- Dad? - Hmm? You know them? Who? Jesus Christ! Get off him.
- I gave the leg back.
- What leg? Okay, whoa, hold-- What-- Just-- What is this about again? Demitri.
He works with us.
And you ran him over with this Porsche two nights ago.
- Oh geez.
- He's in the hospital.
Full body cast.
- They're calling the cops.
- Wait.
Come on.
We can work this out.
You pay his medical bills? Of course.
Well, eventually.
I'm a little tight on cash right now.
- Call.
- Okay.
Stop.
My car.
My sweet car.
Huh? What about that? It's fucked up from where you hit Demitri.
No.
Come-- With a little paint and some Bondo, it's good as new.
What do you say? Oh, table seven's ready to order.
Table five needs a salad.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry.
- You okay? I know you weren't feeling well.
Upset stomach.
I'm feeling better.
I'll get table seven for you.
Thanks.
Oh, you wanted soda.
Coming up.
Hey.
How's it going? - Good.
- Come here, you old dog.
You better tell your boyfriend and his buddies to cut it out.
Otherwise, they're gonna have to go.
Sorry.
Okay, rockers.
You can't just be sitting-- here comes the bride dah dah-dah dah dah-dah dah dah-dah Ladies-- ladies and gentlemen, our bass player went off and got married today to this beautiful woman.
So this is their honeymoon, so we're gonna make a little bit of noise.
Please welcome the newlyweds, Gus and Fiona.
dah dah dah-dah dah dah dah dah Okay, this is an electric car that folds into itself so it can fit and park in tight spaces.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
The wheels, they turn separately so you can rotate and stay in one spot.
Guess where the motor is.
Well, it's not in the back, right? And does it have air bags? Yep.
Well, it's not in the front either.
Wait, are-- are-- are the engines in the wheels? Yes.
There's one in each wheel.
That's very fucking cool.
We're out by the pool drinking cocktails.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
I'll be there in a minute.
- Is that okay? - Okay, now this-- this was an attempt to make a plastic film that's electrically active.
And I still haven't gotten it to work yet.
Are you guys actually bonding? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.
We're only doing it to annoy you, honey.
- Okay, come.
Check this out.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just one minute.
You still have to heat and treat it, right? Yeah, to kill the spores and dry it out.
Now despite my daughter's giving me shit, it does not smell like mushrooms.
It is, however, - a good hiding place.
- Shit.
Now I assume, as a young delinquent, - you smoke pot? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, when I'm not shooting smack.
What courses you taking? Thermodynamics.
You know, I really want to get into the aerospace engineering program at school.
What are you doing this summer? Construction, demo.
In Chicago.
You know, I'm pretty much just hauling cement in a wheelbarrow.
Why? 'Cause it's a job.
Next time, I'll get you a paid internship.
You know, you're headed for a serious career, right? Here you go.
Ah, thank you so much.
A beer for my husband.
Hey, go on home.
We got this.
But I've got three tables, and the tips right now are so good.
Now I got why you wanted the shift covered.
From now on, any time you get married, take the day.
It's not a joke.
Fiona Pfender.
Pleased to meet you.
When you go for it, you really go for it.
It's crazy, right? I don't know.
It-- it seems right.
He's great.
We're really happy for you.
Sure we are.
Just don't lie about it next time, okay? Hey.
Hey.
You coming home tonight? - Everything okay? - Everything's fine.
Just wanted to let you know I am not going on the pill.
- Why not? - I looked it up.
The pill reduces muscle mass, affects mood and water retention.
Probably not a good idea now that I'm training.
Training for what? Aw, I'll tell you later.
You at work? Yeah.
Today was-- What? I'll be home in the morning, okay? Can you-- can you watch Liam for me? Tell him I love him? Yeah, absolutely.
Bye.
Bye.
What the fuck is this? It's more suitcases.
We got dress shirts, shoes, sweaters, pretty much everything.
Wait, you went back to the airport? - Yeah, why not? - 'Cause it's fucking risky is why not.
Most of this ain't worth shit anyway.
It's old clothes and fucking hair dryers.
Hair dryers.
Yeah.
We got toiletries over here, okay? Are you listening to me? There's better ways to make money, man.
What are you doing? Why you putting everything on the fucking porch? Why are there boots in the sneakers pile? We got to keep this organized, okay? Where are the belts? I thought I put them there.
Obviously, they've been moved.
Your boyfriend's losing his shit.
Mickey, help me keep this organized, okay? Oh, hey, babe.
What? Did you work a double? Paco got sick.
How was your day? Oh, my gosh.
So Amy looks up at me and says, "Da.
" Can you believe that? My little baby girl.
She's halfway to dada.
Last night, I had an orgasm with a stranger - on the dance floor.
- You had an orgasm? - Grinding on the dance floor.
- Wait.
But not-- not like a-- not like-- like-- like-- like a real orgasm.
You mean, like, you just had a good time? No, I mean a real orgasm with another man.
It didn't even take a whole song.
That's how horny I am.
Used to be I could dry hump for Now it's two grinds.
You know what that orgasm was? That was a cry for help from my coochie saying things ain't right at home.
never made a summer oh, you know it can't be found youth is always pretty oh, you know it can't be found what you've seen all over you'll hear it all over and you'll feel it all over and you'll know it's me he's in bad condition - I'll clean up.
- Oh, okay.
hiding in the hands all day couldn't make decisions oh, I might have lost his way but you'll just see it all over you'll hear it all over and you'll feel it all over and you'll know it's me and you'll know it's me Teener, 1.
7.
Flap, 0.
25.
Shit.
Me.
A lot.
Ew.
Carl.
I handled enough personal liability claims to know what a six-figure payout looks like.
You better bring me a mangled femur.
Hey, if you don't have the stones to hobble yourself, find someone who'll do it for you.
- Aah! - You promised to help terrorize my parents in exchange for me giving you stuff.
A deal's a deal.
How much to stop dating her? - How about $5,000? - Is he serious? He's gonna pay me not to date your daughter? How about $10,000? Should have held out.
- You lost your virginity? - Does it count if it's rape? A million guys would kill to be raped by you.
- Oh, would you shut up already? - You hear Amy crying? You're more into the babies than you are me.
I'm sorry that I care about their well-being.
What about my well-being? Our bassist plays.
He's kind of a genius.
- Are you asking me on a date? - I'll see you there.
This is my girlfriend, Gigi.
- Your girlfriend? - Fiona is Gus's friend.
Holy shit.
think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? Wakey, wakey.
Come on, buddy.
Up and at 'em.
- Morning.
- Well, you're in a good mood for a man covered in pigeon shit.
I think I overdid it last night.
Celebrating my last day below the poverty line.
- Win the lottery? - Insurance payout.
I earned it, too.
Broke my femur last winter.
- Tore all-- - Yeah.
Good for you.
Meanwhile, why don't you wait for your limousine somewhere else? it's hot in here even with the fan on and I'm sweaty my balls are sweaty, too - Uh, huh.
Go on.
- but I am cool with that yeah, 'cause I am cool with you The Ballad Of Sweaty Balls? Yeah, that's-- that's the title.
Just got to come up with a bridge.
How are we not sick of each other? Hm, yeah, it's only been a week.
So any day now? Actually, it's been about 9 days and 12 hours, but, you know, who's counting? Do you like that? - Oh, yeah.
- Nice.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, thanks for the ride.
It's weird to see you here.
Like, I cut you out of a photograph and pasted you into this background.
Yeah.
You know, it's weird for me to see me here.
So glad you came.
Come on.
It's, uh-- It's nice you know, if you like this kind of thing.
Girls are out playing a squash tournament.
My parents are cheering them on.
They're all driving me insane.
I mean, my little sisters are cute, but they know it.
So you sort of want to drown them.
And my older sister's a programmed robot, would jump off a building if my parents told her to.
And my dad-- Well, you know my dad.
Oh, yeah.
He, ah, he want his 10 grand back? Don't hate me because my dad's a douchebag.
As long as I get a break from hauling rocks, douchebaggery is-- it's not a problem.
a nigga gotta get that money - that money - a nigga gotta get - that dough - that dough a nigga gotta get that money - that money - a nigga gotta get - that dough - that dough a nigga gotta get that money Hey.
What's up, yo? How's your day looking? Well, I was thinking I should go on the pill.
- So, you're gonna be-- - Well, since things are over with Matty, I figure it's best to be prepared for next time, - don't you? - Yeah.
But there's-- there's more than pregnancy to worry about.
How about we stick to condoms? They're only 82% effective.
I should use the pill as a back-up.
Okay.
I'll make an appointment at Planned Parenthood.
- I got to run.
- Huh, like you need to be - somewhere.
- While you're sitting on your lazy ass, I'll be at my job.
What job? And please eat more than just a pop-tart.
I got hired at the fruit market.
You only said that because she handed you a piece of fruit.
What would you even do there? You can't even walk.
Uh, morning.
Everybody, this is Gus.
We got in late last night.
And, well, you're meeting him now.
That's, ah, Debbie, Carl, and Liam.
- Hi.
- Who are you again? He's with Fiona, stupid.
She mentioned him, like, Boyfriend and girlfriend or just fuck buddies? Welcome to my family.
Lou.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I do business at the office, Frank, not at my house.
Just tell me if my insurance check came in.
For your leg? The hell else would I mean? Yeah, it's in.
How much? - 121 grand.
- Sweet mother of Jesus.
$121,000.
I'm gonna rebuild my brewery.
What's that smell? It's pigeon shit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you celebrated last night, and then you blacked out.
- And your point? - The check came in.
Okay, you showed up at exactly this time yesterday - to sign for it.
- No.
You told me it was coming in on Tuesday.
I wrote it down.
And it is Wednesday.
What the hell happened to Tuesday? I never black out for a whole day unless I'm smoking crack.
Well, we opened you an account at Dorset Bank, okay? Full balance was deposited yesterday by wire.
Do you promise you're not just messing with me? - Good-bye, Frank.
- Ha.
I'd kiss you, Lou, only neither of us would enjoy that.
Yes! Yeah, great.
Just put them on the couch.
What's that? They found my suitcase.
Suitcase? From my trip.
Trip? Uh, right, forgot.
I'm sorry, are you still waiting around for, like, a fucking tip or something? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you guys lost the baggage, right? That means go.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Holy fuck.
Nice suitcase, Mr.
Shang.
Somebody rings the doorbell, tells me he's with an airline, and hands me somebody's shit.
- Ass clown.
- Switched the last two numbers in the address.
He'll be back for it, you know.
He's gonna be shit out of luck, won't he? Think this'll fit? Kind of sexy.
Case, shirt, socks Lisinopril.
Should I Google it? See what it does? No.
You should give me some, and I'll let you know.
I'm gonna wash this down with a beer.
- You want one? - Yeah, fuck it.
See, what you have to understand is, they're not identical twins.
They're whatever it is when-- when you're not identical.
Separate individuals.
Like when I serve them grapes, they're a choking hazard.
That's why I cut them this way and once that way.
Amy loves them, goes crazy for them.
But Jemma, gives her diarrhea.
Separate individuals.
And that's Amy waking up first, excuse me.
- Hey.
- What? Would you please stop torturing the girl? She's been babysitting since she was 14.
Well, why can't Fiona do it? Or your mom? Fiona is working, and mama is playing bingo.
We haven't been on a date since the kids were born.
I need to get dressed up and be sexy for my man.
And baby, I need to get laid.
Maybe we can get a motel room.
That sounds great and all, but-- But what? I-I-I-I just-- I don't feel comfortable leaving the girls with a complete stranger.
Maybe in a couple months or something.
Louise, thank you for coming by.
Tonight isn't gonna work out.
Baby, I'm sorry.
- It's just-- - No.
You don't want to go on a date, you can stay here and feed Jemma grapes.
Not Jemma.
Not Jemma, Amy.
Babysit them until they're 18.
I don't give a shit.
I'll go on date night by myself.
You like it? This is your parents' room? Before they're back, let's have sex on their bed.
I'm game.
Vagina sex.
That's like-- that's-- that's kind of a big deal for you, right? I mean, well, what changed? You are such a commitment-phobe.
No, no, no.
I'm just-- I'm just curious.
Well, I wrote on Facebook that I was saving myself for my future husband.
But no one thought it was romantic.
You know, not if I'm gonna tell them that I've been fucked in the ass and blown guys and had them jerk off in my face.
You put that on Facebook? Also, try not to freak out about this, but I like you.
We're not gonna get married or anything.
Right? So you're good practice.
take a ride with your nigga take a ride with your nigga take a ride with your nigga won't you ride with me Tiny Tim.
What's up? Yo, I'm supposed to work with you guys.
Work my johnson.
G-Dog around? What about G? He said I could help out.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
- What's up? - Put those on, man.
Khakis and docksiders? Look.
White people, they be coming from downtown, driving their Lexus and whatnot right? But they afraid to stop.
They be taking our money to the fucking Polacks on 18th.
I need a kid they ain't afraid of.
You know, a little white boy on crutches and shit.
You know, you're like a-- a greeter at Walmart.
You feel me? Now look, put that shit on, son.
And if you see a cracker buying crack, your ass better jump.
You hear me? Sir, would you like more coffee? Oh.
Well, thank you, ma'am.
You want sugar in that? Or if it's too hot, I could blow on it.
- You know what's weird? - Hmm? Sitting in a family diner with an erection.
I'll keep that image in mind while I'm clearing plates of fried eggs.
If he's gonna enjoy our air conditioning all day, he's got to order more than an English muffin.
I'll make him have pancakes.
Looky you.
You're glowing, girl.
It must be all that good sex.
Best part is there's no drama, which usually just means I'm bored.
But instead, I think I'm just happy.
We're glad for you.
Let us know how week two goes.
I, um-- I made--uh, I opened an account here yesterday.
Name's Frank Gallagher.
Security? Uh, Mr.
Gallagher.
I'll-- I'll take this, Lindsay.
Thank you.
We're fine.
Uh, can I get you anything? Coffee? Danish? No.
What kind of danish? Here.
Sit.
Go.
So, uh, where did we leave off? Our, uh, premium money market is at 1.
65.
But say we pair you with a financial manager, personalize your portfolio, focus on your long-term financial goals, your-- your plan for retirement? I want to make a withdrawal.
- What? - My money.
I want to get it.
We don't have it.
- How's that? - You-- You withdrew it yesterday.
We-- we had to send out to that other branch for those hundreds.
It's not every day someone wants $121,000 in cash, so - I got all of it? - Yes.
But if you'd like to leave a portion of your settlement with us to invest, we'd certainly-- Did I happen to say where I was going when I left here? No.
I say anything at all? Just that you were going to celebrate.
I take it you had fun.
Debbie.
How was your party? Ally's cousin told us about it.
- It was fun.
- Maybe not so fun for the boy you raped.
Never heard of that.
A girl who had to rape a boy to get laid.
How does that work? Get the fuck off me.
Hey, whoa.
Whoa, hey.
Get off.
Hey.
Hey, whoa.
Hey.
Cut it-- Come on.
Four on one, that's not cool.
None of your fucking business.
Yeah? Why don't you find four other girls to fight? I'll let you tear each other's eyes out.
Otherwise beat it.
Rapist bitch.
That-- that was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
You okay? Yeah.
Look, I saw you throw the first punch.
If you're gonna start a four-on-one like that, you better pick up some moves 'cause that was pathetic.
Wait! What's Reflex Athletics? What are you working on? A video game.
I write music for video games.
You didn't tell me that.
That's cool.
You want cool? Okay.
Well, uh, this game is called "Ham Scramble.
" It's for ages 4 and up.
You have to smash as many little pigs as possible with a big purple hammer.
What music goes with that? Oh, I'm creating a moving stream motif as a reminder of our own mortality.
It plays every time one of the little green pigs gets crushed.
- The pigs are green? - They are.
Did I mention that I'm falling in love with you? No.
Uh, thank you.
Yeah, I just, uh-- I wasn't gonna say anything.
A thought that I had.
Go away, now it's awkward.
Come on.
- Uh, more coffee, please.
- Uh.
Thanks.
- Hi.
- Whatever time you get off work tonight, you're going dancing.
And if you have other plans, you're gonna cancel.
- Anything else? - You can't bring your new boyfriend.
- Okay.
- It's not negotiable, so don't try it.
I need to get dressed up like a sex object and be objectified, not be the third wheel to you and your new squeeze.
In fact, I don't even want to hear about him.
Not how great he is or how many times an hour you bang it out.
Going through a sex famine over here.
You know what he just told me? What did I just say? That he's falling in love with me.
- Damn.
- I mean, we've only been seeing each other a week.
You didn't say it back, did you? - No.
- Good girl.
But I'm, like, freaking out.
I mean, I'm-- I'm-- I'm standing by the register, and I'm, like, tingling.
Hello? Oh, hell, yeah.
There he is.
I always took you for a nickel and diming cheapskate, Frank.
But last night, you restored my faith in humanity.
- Raise them up to Frank.
- Yeah! Take it I bought a few rounds last night.
You practically bought the bar, Frank.
And not the cheap stuff.
Nothing out of plastic bottles.
What did I spend? Couple grand, maybe.
Couple of grand.
Jesus fuck.
Did I happen to say where I was going when I left here? I was passed out by then, Frank.
Damn.
Sounds like I missed a good time.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong, Frank? Searching the deepest recesses of my memory looking for a clue to the whereabouts of a lost fucking fortune.
Ah, you misplaced a 20, did you? That's too bad.
- Try checking your pockets.
- Right.
Like I'm not gonna realize I'm-- Hold on.
Holy shit.
That says Porsche.
You stole a Porsche? I might have bought one.
Is this where you learned to fight? Nah.
I learned in juvie.
After I got raped three or four times, I figured I should pick up a few moves.
- Really? - No.
Um, I-- I want to learn how to fight.
I thought maybe you could train me.
- What, like karate kid? Wax on.
- Wah.
Look, this is Chicago.
You want to fight? Punch the other girl in the tit.
You want to box? - You take a class.
- I can't afford a class.
They'll give you a trial class for free.
Ask at the desk.
Tiny Tim, you up.
Welcome to 14th and Main.
I'll be your server.
What will you be having? - The fuck you give him? - What? The man gave you a 20.
That's a quarter gram.
You gave up a teener.
That's 1.
5.
- Now you owe me a hundred bucks.
- What? Out here, niggers get shot for this shit.
So you better find a way to get me paid.
- Huh? - Ah, Jesus.
Kermit, what are you doing back there? Resting.
Oh, what a night, huh? You were with me last night? You don't remember? What happened after the Alibi? Leave out nothing.
Well, you bought this car from Bobby Faring.
Fuck.
So that leaves 61 minus the Alibi.
Call it 59.
And then you bought crack.
And I-I didn't want any, so you did it all.
And we drove to Chinatown for dim sum.
Oh, you made it.
Hi, yeah.
Thanks for having me.
It's, uh, nice to see you.
Hey.
You have my 10 grand, right? No? Okay.
Well, let's just call it, like-- like 4% interest.
- So what would that be? Like-- - Jason.
This is adorable Marsha and her nanny, Yohania.
Adorable Wendy and her nanny, Thais.
Everyone, this is Lip.
- Guys.
- You hungry? Yohania can make you a quesadilla.
Oh, no.
No, I'm okay.
Thank you, though.
They, uh-- they each have a nanny? Yes.
And I know you want a quesadilla.
You said you were starving earlier.
Oh, no.
Yohania, she's got enough to do.
She's not a slave.
- She's a nanny.
- Right.
Dad, are you locking the wine fridge because Lip is here? Please don't pick a fight.
Well, he never locks it.
You said douchebaggery would not be a problem.
Well, if you met my dad, you know, you, uh-- you really wouldn't sweat it.
I'll make us cocktails.
Right.
Now this is what I'm talking about.
Drinking, dancing, guys looking at my ass.
Do you some good, too.
What do you want? Vodka soda? Vodka vodka.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
Two vodka soda.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Keep doing that.
Hey.
This is yours.
Would you mind if we left, like, right now? And don't pretend like you give a shit because I saw you over here texting your boyfriend.
We just got here.
Hey.
- What happened? - I'm not proud of it.
Okay.
I was on the dance floor with this guy.
We started getting friction going.
And I had an orgasm.
I thought I should get out of there before he started getting any ideas.
- Wait, you had an-- - That's how horny and lonely I've been these days, like a dog humping a lamppost.
Kev giving all his love to those babies.
Did I just cheat on Kev? It wasn't intentional, right? I didn't go on the dance floor thinking it was gonna happen.
But once the grinding started, yeah.
That shit was intentional.
So we had dim sum.
Then what? I-I had so many pork buns, I had to nap in the car.
You again? No, we're not eating.
We're just checking the place-- Ready for more? This way.
Gambling.
Goddammit.
Do you-- do you think you lost money? Well, what do you think? Since I woke up with nothing.
That table? Thousand-dollar limit.
No, thank you.
Your friend is expert at pai gow.
Very aggressive.
Almost lost everything.
Then double his money.
Left with three ladies.
- Very lucky guy.
- You hear that? You doubled your money.
I say where I was going? No.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I thought you were hanging out with your friend tonight.
I wanted to see you.
Well.
Uh, beer? I'm falling in love with you, too.
Okay.
Is it? yeah you don't know what you want you're such a big shot, big mouth and that's all that you got you got, you got, you got, you got yeah we ain't messing around we spread love, don't kill and shake some solid ground some ground, some ground, some ground, some ground Girl boxers at the gym are in seriously good shape.
Might take me a few weeks to get ripped like that.
If you want to know how to put on some muscle mass, I'm your guy.
Besides, MMA chicks are super hot.
It must be kind of weird dating a chick who can kick your ass.
Oh, good morning, baby.
Hey.
Morning, Debs.
Hi, V.
I was just dropping Liam off.
- See you, Kev.
- See you later, Deb.
Yeah.
I said I'd watch Liam for a couple hours.
How was last night? Was it fun? - It was fine.
- Yeah? I'm sorry I didn't go.
I better go open the bar.
Probably guys huddled around the door with the shakes.
All right.
Say bye to mommy.
Say bye to the girls.
Bye, mama.
Bye.
Bye, mama.
Patsy's.
This is Melinda, can I help you? Hey, ah, it's Fiona.
I'm scheduled for a double today.
But I'm just not feeling great.
I was wondering if it's not busy, maybe you don't need me? And you guys can take my tables.
Sean, it's Fiona.
Says she's not feeling-- No, no, no, no.
Don't put Sean on.
You can't make the lunch shift? No, no.
I can.
I can.
I just thought if it wasn't busy-- Yeah, all right.
Well, you're off the hook.
- But I need you for dinner.
- Sure.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
- What the fuck? - Morning.
What are you wearing? Oh, you mean this? It was just something I threw on.
- What the fuck? - Okay.
So your suitcase gave me an idea, right? So I went to the airport, and they even have unclaimed baggage just off to the side just sitting there.
- Are you wearing Mink? - No, it's fake, but it's nice.
Yes? No.
It's not nice, look.
I hate to burst your bubbles here.
You both look fucking insane.
This all you got? We have electric shavers, Jamaican rum, and this.
Oh.
- That has a hair on it.
- What? You don't want it? No, I-- You touch me with that, I will knock the teeth out of your head.
- I will knock the teeth-- - If I touch you with this? What the fuck is wrong with you? En garde.
Pow.
What the fuck is wrong with you? This is not funny.
I'm not fucking Star Wars-- No way.
A Porsche.
Shut the fuck up.
You get the insurance money? Sammi can't know about this.
- Is she around? - No.
She says you owe her an RV.
Shit.
Can I get a hundred bucks? Don't have it.
You know if I snuck back into the house night before last? Hid something under the floorboards, maybe, or in the back yard? Don't think so.
Can I take it for a spin? No.
You have a credit card? Let me see that.
It says The Loren.
It's a hotel key.
Can I just tell you how happy I am right now? Really? Because at the diner yesterday, I thought maybe I went too far.
No.
- You make me feel sane.
- Hmm? And I want to be around you all the time, even when we're not fucking.
I mean, no.
We're usually fucking.
But during the brief windows of time when we're doing other things besides fucking, like eating pancakes with our hands-- You want to get married? What? I mean, my folks met on a Tuesday - and married two days later.
- No shit? No.
My dad-- he was shipping off for Vietnam-- asked her.
She said yes.
Are they still together? Yeah.
Still are.
- I'd marry you.
- Oh, would you? Why? Is there a reason I shouldn't? - No.
I'm a good choice.
- I'm a great choice.
Well, if it were up to me, I'd do it today.
- Do it right now.
- Oh.
All right.
Marriage in Chicago.
Yep.
All right.
Open that.
Well, should we wait till after we're married? No.
It's crap champagne.
All right.
Chicago.
Same-day weddings.
You can get a marriage license at the courthouse, get married in the same building.
Download application for wedding license.
Boom.
Print one? What are you waiting for? All right.
Slow motion.
Hands relaxed.
Fingers together.
So as you throw the hook, you're gonna rotate your body until your right heel comes off the ground.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Now faster.
What is going on? I might need to work on my form.
I'm digging the naked clerical work.
All right.
So here.
We just have to fill these out, turn them in at the courthouse.
Okay, are you related to Applicant A? Who's Applicant A? That would be me.
Am I related to you? I love that they have to ask that.
Uh, you're not gonna take my last name, are you? I'm-- I'm-- I mean, I'm cool either way, but-- Fender? Fiona Fender? Why not? Fiona Fender.
That was actually a P at the front.
- Where? Come on.
- Seriously.
In front of the F.
See? It's silent.
Nobody ever reads it right.
Actually, you know what? You don't have to take my name.
No, no, no.
I want to.
I want to.
Fiona P-Fender.
That's-- That's p-fucked up.
- It's p-fucking sexy.
- Mmm.
Hey, what time is it? I've got to be at work at p-five, and I can lose this p-job.
Well, if we are going to squeeze a wedding in, we have got to get a move on.
Come on.
Whoa.
They said I'm paid up till tonight.
Guess your old man's got fancy taste in hotel rooms.
And Chinese prostitutes.
_ '86 Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
- How much was this? - $2,100.
But you order it.
You left your jacket.
I assume since you're here, I paid in advance? Through the weekend.
So if you and your boy want to do some-- Tell me everything that happened when you last saw me.
We were partying.
Just us? And some dentists you met downstairs in town for the convention.
And a guy that works out front at the hot dogs.
And a businessman from down the hall.
You and him left together.
Wait, wait, wait.
What kind of businessman? He left his card.
Diamond.
Diamond Appreciations.
Yeah.
It's Frank Gallagher.
I'm looking for-- Frank! What a night we had.
Yeah.
About that-- I know you're nervous.
Lot of money to hand over to a stranger.
How much was it again? $113,000.
But Frank, trust me.
It was the best investment you could make.
No, no, no.
I never doubted it.
Tell me, how soon do you think-- What are you doing now? Uh, you want to come to the office? See for yourself? Uh, give me that address.
Have you declared a major, Lip? Engineering.
Well, you didn't see that coming.
Or microrobotics.
You know, I haven't made up my mind yet.
Dad's an engineer.
He invented a line of water-free urinals.
- Oh, really? - I didn't invent the urinals.
I, uh, worked on the sealing cartridge and gasket.
There's a lot of money in urine.
- It never goes out of fashion.
- Nice.
What are you-- what are you working on now? - Packing materials.
- He filed a patent for a biodegradable alternative to styrofoam.
- Oh.
What's it made of? - It's a type of fungi.
- Smells like mushrooms.
- You take any substrate of industrial waste, like-- like, uh, chopped-up cornstalks.
And you inject it with myselium, and-- see? It's not very interesting.
So you just-- you pour it around the object that you're packing and then it hardens? That's right.
Becomes a mold of the object.
You know, if you want, I will show you my workshop later.
Sure.
Yeah.
I just, uh-- I just realized that we - don't have any wedding rings.
- That's okay.
Yeah, I have my grandma's engagement ring, but it's at my mom's house.
Don't we need something for the ceremony? Oh, wait.
Flowers.
Try 2.
Oh, look.
Rubber bands.
There's our wedding rings.
I can make a little corsage.
Put a flower in your buttonhole.
Oh.
You don't have a buttonhole.
I'll just unzip my fly.
This is stupid, right? Right.
Unless it's not.
Right? I got to be at work in an hour.
Should we just go? Okay.
Unless we shouldn't.
Gus Pfender and Fiona Gallagher.
Put that someplace safe.
- Are you good with fractions? - Fractions of what? Like if you have a 16th of an ounce of something, how many grams would that be? - You dealing drugs? - No.
If Fiona found out I was helping you with your drug fractions, she'd have my scalp.
No one's telling Fiona anything.
Basic overview.
You got flaps, half G's, G's, teeners, An ounce is 28 grams, but really it's 28.
35.
An 8-ball is 3.
54, and a teener is 1.
77.
But the dealers round down.
So they pocket the extra 0.
35.
You following? I might need to write this down.
the times we had oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow were not all bad we put our feet just where they had had to go never to go the shattered soul following close but nearly twice as slow in my good times there were always golden rocks to throw Holy fuck.
Totally.
What do we do now? I think I just hand this to him to sign.
Holy fuck.
those were our times those were our times I'm looking for Diamond Appreciations.
Clearly, I'm in the wrong place.
Maybe there's an office upstairs or-- or-- Frank.
Buddy? Now I understand this was personal for you.
- This is your son.
- Yeah.
- What's your name, my friend? - Carl.
Whatever the prognosis is for your leg, Carl, do not despair.
It's no big deal.
Brave boy.
I'm Buddy Diamond.
I founded this organization.
Hold on.
Your name is Diamond? Come this way.
Fuck.
Whoa.
As you know, most insurance plans have a cap on what they'll pay for prosthetic limbs.
But thanks to you, these homeless children will live normal lives, play in the school yard, ride bikes, run for the sheer joy of it.
Kids, this is the man I told you about.
This is why you have legs.
Such a-- such a noble enterprise.
It's wonderful what you're doing for these kids.
I am so moved by it.
I knew you would be.
- But I need the money back.
- What? There's been a mistake.
And it's regrettable.
And while I would prefer cash, I'll take a check.
The money's been spent.
That's what I brought you here to see.
No, no.
I need that money back.
It's not possible.
Frank, you paid for half a dozen prosthetics, including this beauty here with silicone skin that goes for $60,000.
One leg? 60 grand? Hey.
Hey.
That doesn't belong to you.
- No, no.
- Give me back my leg.
- Give it back.
- This is not your leg.
- Don't take my leg.
- No.
This is-- No.
I paid for the damn leg.
That's all the money I've got in the world.
This is my insurance settlement.
Got to get my money back.
- You work out a lot.
- Yeah.
Pro boxers train four to six hours a day.
- Are you pro? - Nah.
But I came in third last year in all-city.
How'd you get into boxing? When I was 10, my dad beat my mom up really bad.
Wanted to be able to defend her, so I started training.
Really? No.
Are you gonna stick with it? Think so.
All that money.
All that fucking money wasted on child amputees, for Christ's sake.
There's a lesson here, son.
Charity is accepting help from others, - not the other way around.
- Okay.
And taking prescription medications while drinking and then smoking pot and then smoking crack can lead to questionable decisions.
- Can we get out of here? - I got to get that image out of my head of that girl hopping after me.
Hop, hop, hop, hop.
At least you still got the car.
And a half a bottle of massively overpriced wine.
It's that guy.
Let's go.
- Dad? - Hmm? You know them? Who? Jesus Christ! Get off him.
- I gave the leg back.
- What leg? Okay, whoa, hold-- What-- Just-- What is this about again? Demitri.
He works with us.
And you ran him over with this Porsche two nights ago.
- Oh geez.
- He's in the hospital.
Full body cast.
- They're calling the cops.
- Wait.
Come on.
We can work this out.
You pay his medical bills? Of course.
Well, eventually.
I'm a little tight on cash right now.
- Call.
- Okay.
Stop.
My car.
My sweet car.
Huh? What about that? It's fucked up from where you hit Demitri.
No.
Come-- With a little paint and some Bondo, it's good as new.
What do you say? Oh, table seven's ready to order.
Table five needs a salad.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry.
- You okay? I know you weren't feeling well.
Upset stomach.
I'm feeling better.
I'll get table seven for you.
Thanks.
Oh, you wanted soda.
Coming up.
Hey.
How's it going? - Good.
- Come here, you old dog.
You better tell your boyfriend and his buddies to cut it out.
Otherwise, they're gonna have to go.
Sorry.
Okay, rockers.
You can't just be sitting-- here comes the bride dah dah-dah dah dah-dah dah dah-dah Ladies-- ladies and gentlemen, our bass player went off and got married today to this beautiful woman.
So this is their honeymoon, so we're gonna make a little bit of noise.
Please welcome the newlyweds, Gus and Fiona.
dah dah dah-dah dah dah dah dah Okay, this is an electric car that folds into itself so it can fit and park in tight spaces.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
The wheels, they turn separately so you can rotate and stay in one spot.
Guess where the motor is.
Well, it's not in the back, right? And does it have air bags? Yep.
Well, it's not in the front either.
Wait, are-- are-- are the engines in the wheels? Yes.
There's one in each wheel.
That's very fucking cool.
We're out by the pool drinking cocktails.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
I'll be there in a minute.
- Is that okay? - Okay, now this-- this was an attempt to make a plastic film that's electrically active.
And I still haven't gotten it to work yet.
Are you guys actually bonding? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.
We're only doing it to annoy you, honey.
- Okay, come.
Check this out.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just one minute.
You still have to heat and treat it, right? Yeah, to kill the spores and dry it out.
Now despite my daughter's giving me shit, it does not smell like mushrooms.
It is, however, - a good hiding place.
- Shit.
Now I assume, as a young delinquent, - you smoke pot? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, when I'm not shooting smack.
What courses you taking? Thermodynamics.
You know, I really want to get into the aerospace engineering program at school.
What are you doing this summer? Construction, demo.
In Chicago.
You know, I'm pretty much just hauling cement in a wheelbarrow.
Why? 'Cause it's a job.
Next time, I'll get you a paid internship.
You know, you're headed for a serious career, right? Here you go.
Ah, thank you so much.
A beer for my husband.
Hey, go on home.
We got this.
But I've got three tables, and the tips right now are so good.
Now I got why you wanted the shift covered.
From now on, any time you get married, take the day.
It's not a joke.
Fiona Pfender.
Pleased to meet you.
When you go for it, you really go for it.
It's crazy, right? I don't know.
It-- it seems right.
He's great.
We're really happy for you.
Sure we are.
Just don't lie about it next time, okay? Hey.
Hey.
You coming home tonight? - Everything okay? - Everything's fine.
Just wanted to let you know I am not going on the pill.
- Why not? - I looked it up.
The pill reduces muscle mass, affects mood and water retention.
Probably not a good idea now that I'm training.
Training for what? Aw, I'll tell you later.
You at work? Yeah.
Today was-- What? I'll be home in the morning, okay? Can you-- can you watch Liam for me? Tell him I love him? Yeah, absolutely.
Bye.
Bye.
What the fuck is this? It's more suitcases.
We got dress shirts, shoes, sweaters, pretty much everything.
Wait, you went back to the airport? - Yeah, why not? - 'Cause it's fucking risky is why not.
Most of this ain't worth shit anyway.
It's old clothes and fucking hair dryers.
Hair dryers.
Yeah.
We got toiletries over here, okay? Are you listening to me? There's better ways to make money, man.
What are you doing? Why you putting everything on the fucking porch? Why are there boots in the sneakers pile? We got to keep this organized, okay? Where are the belts? I thought I put them there.
Obviously, they've been moved.
Your boyfriend's losing his shit.
Mickey, help me keep this organized, okay? Oh, hey, babe.
What? Did you work a double? Paco got sick.
How was your day? Oh, my gosh.
So Amy looks up at me and says, "Da.
" Can you believe that? My little baby girl.
She's halfway to dada.
Last night, I had an orgasm with a stranger - on the dance floor.
- You had an orgasm? - Grinding on the dance floor.
- Wait.
But not-- not like a-- not like-- like-- like-- like a real orgasm.
You mean, like, you just had a good time? No, I mean a real orgasm with another man.
It didn't even take a whole song.
That's how horny I am.
Used to be I could dry hump for Now it's two grinds.
You know what that orgasm was? That was a cry for help from my coochie saying things ain't right at home.
never made a summer oh, you know it can't be found youth is always pretty oh, you know it can't be found what you've seen all over you'll hear it all over and you'll feel it all over and you'll know it's me he's in bad condition - I'll clean up.
- Oh, okay.
hiding in the hands all day couldn't make decisions oh, I might have lost his way but you'll just see it all over you'll hear it all over and you'll feel it all over and you'll know it's me and you'll know it's me Teener, 1.
7.
Flap, 0.
25.
Shit.