Still Open All Hours (2013) s05e04 Episode Script

These tinned smoked oysters aren't selling.
They're a luxury item.
They won't move fast.
They're moving fast towards their sell-by date.
- What you looking at? - I'm not looking at anything.
I'm standing here thinking deep thoughts.
About Mavis? About how to improve the business.
And then about Mavis.
OK.
You going to share these thoughts? Not about Mavis, no.
About the business.
What we need is a wider customer base, right? We need to reach out more.
What we need is a larger advertising footprint.
What we need is to make an impact.
What we need is Gastric.
Why would we need Gastric? I don't know, but he got here quick.
Yes.
He's putting in a new plug for us.
You're good to go, job's a good 'un.
All sorted.
You do know there's mouse down there, don't you? Yes, that's Mabel, she's got a bad leg.
- Mabel.
- Yes.
- Count your fingers.
- They're fine.
- You're in denial about that till.
- I talk to this till.
- Yeah, I know.
And I think they should increase your medication.
We understand each other.
We communicate? Would you like to come out on your own for a little look round? All right.
Come on, then.
There, there you are.
Would you like to go back home now? Good, go on, then.
No.
Thank you.
- All right, where do you want her? - Bring her in.
- You sure? - Yeah, bring her in.
Right.
All right, all right.
Take her back out.
But you said bring her in.
Yes, I have made an executive reassessment, so take her out.
Right.
Why did you bother? That is our larger advertising footprint.
Hey, shush, go on, don't be rough.
Handle her gently.
Love your balloon.
She used to fly above Honest Harry's Low Mileage Motors, till he went bankrupt and he did a runner.
Did a lot for him, then, didn't she? And, listen, this curvy creature will introduce Arkwright's to a much wider world.
Expecting much trade from low flying aircraft? No, but when she is in position, they will be able to see her from the main road.
Hey, come out the way.
There's a customer.
Out of the way for the cust Sorry, Madam.
Sorry.
You can't get the staff, can you? Well Well, don't just stand there.
Get after it.
Go on.
Look, come on, carry on.
Get up, come on.
It's only me.
Where are you? Are you decent? There you are.
Stamping again.
That won't get you a six pack.
- Good morning, Delphine.
- It is.
The sky is blue, the birds are singing and Granville is playing with a balloon.
What is it with you men? You're right, a bonnie day, you should be out enjoying it.
Don't let me deprive you.
I'll be fine here.
You call that fine? Hunched over a Penny Black, your muscles wasting.
There isn't all that much left I had in mind for them to do.
Nonsense.
You're still a relatively young man.
Still, dare I say it hot to trot.
Delphine don't you value the quiet life? Well, yes, of course I do, but that doesn't mean we can't go somewhere and raise some smoke.
You go.
I'll stay and check my irregular perforations.
Maybe it's your body clock.
You see, it could be that your hormones are still in sleep mode.
I gave up hormones when I joined the bowling club.
It's not a rule, but Can I tempt you with anything else, then? No.
That's a big N-O, negative, full stop.
He means no.
I've seen him when he's like this.
He's immovable.
It's borderline awesome.
He means no and I think it's pretty fair to say that's unanimous.
I'm going to mention one name.
Wong Tzu.
Sounds like two names.
Yes, I know, but in Chinese, you know, it's in the future evocative tense.
Do you follow me? The future evocative, aye, aye.
It's one of me favourites.
How do you spell Wong Tzu? Is it vital that you know? Since you're going to con us, we might as well make you work for it.
Very well.
It's capital W-o-n-g, capital T-z-u.
- Z-u? - Yes, Z-me.
Wong Tzu was a 14th century Chinese sage.
Knew his onions, did he? - I wish I hadn't said that.
- You're under pressure.
We all are.
And do you know why? According to Wong Tzu, your electrochemical balance is all out of whack, which means that you two are an emotional basket case.
For which, I bet you have the cure.
Er, no.
But Wong Tzu had the cure.
.
Roysters.
We nearly had her there.
I nearly had her, I don't know where you were.
- Hey up, you're younger than me.
- Not anymore.
He'll go crackers, if you've lost his balloon.
I've lost his balloon? I heard that.
I'll tell him you confessed.
Come on Dig deep, Gastric It's in you, son.
Come on.
.
You asked me, what was Wong Tzu famous for? - No, we didn't.
- You didn't? - No.
- I could've sworn.
Well, anyway, he was famous for the power of his thought.
He died tragically, very suddenly.
Well, if he died tragically suddenly, that doesn't sound all that thoughtful.
Wong Tzu was on a pilgrimage to the mystical mountain.
Now, it was very high and it was very steep and they used to test the height of it by dropping peasants.
So, they could time how long it took before they heard a - thump? - Exactly.
They were superb mathematicians, you know.
Aye.
Not great at looking after peasantry, though.
What happened to Wong Tzu? Well, he was sitting, you know, cross-legged, meditating at the bottom of the mountain when somebody up there dropped off a peasant.
Went wahey, right down, straight on top of him, stone dead.
What happened to the peasant? - You really need to know, don't you? - I'm a detail man.
History does not record.
Typical.
- Forget about the little guy.
- Yeah.
All right, then.
Come on.
Give us an example of the power of thought of Wong Tzu.
Keep it simple, don't get over technical.
Wong Tzu ran a string of Chinese laundries that could clean clothes by meditation alone.
No detergents required, environmentally friendly.
Hey, how did that work? He used to think them clean.
You could see the dirt leaving.
Power of thought.
Course, the secret died with him.
What followed was a bleak period of grubby Chinese linen.
It was known as the Great Clean Underwear Famine.
I haven't seen Gastric this morning.
He's just gone past.
In a bit of a hurry, for Gastric.
- Ooh, I never heard the car.
- He was on foot, running.
What? Gastric? Running straight past, didn't even wave? Only at Leroy.
Looked like he was chasing Leroy.
I wonder if Leroy has said something amiss about me and Gastric's not having it, bless him.
Leroy wouldn't say anything wrong about you.
Well, if he did, it'd be nice to think that Gastric was after him.
- Did he look fierce? - He looked shattered.
- They both looked shattered.
- Sounds like it's to the finish, then.
When he's roused, that Gastric'll go all the way.
There came to Wong Tzu in his cave in the forest a pilgrim seeking enlightenment.
He wanted to know why his oysters weren't working.
When you say "working" Well, you do know that, oysters have this, you know, reputation.
I knew that.
Well, Wong Tzu had a formula that greatly improved the potency of the oyster.
He did it by adding certain ingredients.
So Wong Tzu came up with the Royster.
That is the oyster with the "R" booster.
What's the "R" for? Well, in Chinese, it means whoo-whoa.
Yeah, but it says "oysters" On the tin.
"Smoked oysters".
There's nothing on here that says "Roysters".
No, they don't put it on the label, do they, cos they don't need to.
Cos regular users of Roysters know a tin of Roysters when they hear it.
I know I shouldn't ask this.
I mean experience tells me not to ask this, but Well, go on, then.
How do they hear it? Allow me.
Right Yes, there it is.
There it is.
Listen carefully How do they get the squeak in the tin? Questions, questions Always questions.
Whatever happened to simple trust? Wait.
It's almost worth it for the sheer nerve of the lies he spins.
We've been conned again.
I'm not admitting to that.
We heard a squeak in the shop.
I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
They're not squeaking now.
Maybe there's only there's enough juice for a couple of squeaks, then they have to recharge.
What? You're suggesting they've lost their power? We've bought two tins of electrified oysters and they're flat.
Roysters.
We bought two tins of Roysters.
- And they're flat and all.
- Only their squeaks.
You said electrified oysters.
I like that.
Maybe they can electrify our lives a little.
Let's see what the dictionary has to say about Roysters.
Royster To royster means to revel, corral, frolic, romp To have fun.
Hey, that's it.
That's what we've been looking for.
Aye.
Done.
One, no sugar.
And how is Mr Newbold? Ooh, lethargic.
Sometimes I can't distinguish between him and any flat surface.
Maybe he just needs a wipe.
Ooh, he's got lovely manners.
I bet even when he's silent, he's polite.
Sometimes, you need more, within bounds, of course.
You sound as if you'd rather he was performing leaps and bounds.
I'm not looking for exercise, just some evidence he could cope if he had to.
I can't visualise Mr Newbold rushing, even in an emergency.
No, no.
It is hard.
I bet he's brilliant at funerals.
I see him as a calming presence.
Just what you need as your fantasy figure.
- Ooh, now it's coming out.
- No, it isn't.
Not for more than the two hottest nights in any one year.
Ooh, I'm sorry I'm late.
I would've been here earlier, but Eric surprised me with a - mid-morning snack.
- Ooh, that was nice of him.
You're an innocent.
I like it, but he's up to something.
Suspicion, always a good basis to start from.
Up to something? With a mid-morning snack? - Have I missed something? - Just about everything.
You see, you've got to be on your guard when they start being nice, until you find out what they're hiding.
Thank you.
Sit down, he says, rest your feet, I've made you a coffee.
Dear.
That must've been unsettling.
But then he said how about these on toast? Tinned, smoked oysters.
I'm missing something else, aren't I? What have you done? About 30 mile an hour down Clifton Street.
It went under a car.
It's a balloon, it's supposed to be in the air.
Well, what are you Hey up.
- Do you know what that reminds me of? - No.
My domestic life.
I'm sorry They don't like your tinned smoked oysters.
But did you tell them about the tinned smoked oyster diet? For rapid weight loss.
- It's another approach.
- He could be throwing us a lifeline.
- We could mention it casually.
- Sounds like a plan.
There you go, try that.
Don't move away.
Look at me.
I rode all this way on a Chinese bicycle.
And I hope you parked the damn thing out of sight.
How many people would pedal a Chinese bicycle through storm and - flood just to get to a library? - Such a thirst for education.
What are you doing about Ruby? If I stamped you out, could I take you home for two weeks? You were going to find someone for Ruby.
We were meant to be going out as a foursome.
I don't have any friends that I dislike enough.
I'll have to go.
There's someone waiting to get their book stamped.
No, no.
Ok.
Hey, Beth.
Beth, Ok, Ok.
I'll find someone, even if he never forgives me.
It's been a pleasure to serve you, madam.
We aim for the complete shopping experience, so, you know, please tell your friends.
Thank you.
Right, Mr Newbold.
Stand there while I make enquiries.
- Enquiries? - Oysters, Granville.
Show me your oysters.
I don't eat oysters.
No, these are not just for eating.
These are a powerful dietary supplement.
- Am I not right Granville? - So you've heard, then? It's the talk of the district.
Arkwright's is the go-to place for the ultimate oyster experience.
Call me.
We can share a tin.
Slimy things.
You don't know whether to swallow or chew.
They're tinned.
You chew.
Not to be shared with strangers.
Only friends.
How long have we been friends, Granville? Why do you avoid eating oysters, Mr Newbold? They're full of oil.
It's a messy job opening the tin and it's all downhill from there.
Listen to him.
He needs a jump start.
We'll take two.
And, um, one to put aside for you and I later.
Well, best of luck resuscitating that.
Well it's worth a try.
I can't keep buying new.
You bought that one second hand.
At an extremely reasonable price.
Well, I wouldn't plan on reselling it.
Hey.
Now, don't let it get away again.
Right.
Good day to you, sir.
Hello, um, I'm assuming you would be the proprietor.
Yes.
At your service, sir.
Does the name Dawlish ring a bell? Not immediately, no.
Would that be you, sir? No, no.
I'm Teasdale.
The Dawlish chap's a friend of mine, um, came in here a while back Said it was a memorable experience.
Well We do aim to please, sir, yes.
Never stops talking about it.
Claims you put his marriage back on track.
- Yaggis.
- Beg your pardon? Um I'm sure he said yaggis.
You sold him a rather interesting species of cured sausage.
Yes.
The old yaggis.
- Full of natural vitamins.
- That sounds like it.
- Puts the springtime back in a winter marriage.
- That's the one.
Comes in two flavours, medium and hold onto your hat.
- I'll take some of each.
- We're out.
- Well, isn't that always the case? - However Go on.
Go on, I'm snatching at his "however".
We have replaced yaggis with something far more portable.
Fits in your pocket, goes with you anywhere.
Roysters.
It's hideous.
- I'll just say ugly.
You get used to ugly.
- No.
I think it's a face that now shows more character.
All bad.
No, it looks as though it's seen life, you know, that's more lived in.
Think of him that comes in from Cooper Street.
All right, let out the rope.
Let's see her go, go on.
- Right.
- Careful.
Ready? That's it, up she goes.
It's going to frighten children and dogs.
Well, they shouldn't be up there.
I wish Madge could see this, so she'd know if ever she needed a balloon mending Did you try the oysters? I slipped him a few in a sandwich, with no apparent results.
Mrs Evans was complaining that her husband was flirting with the idea of buying a tin.
It's very unnerving when they suddenly develop an interest in shellfish.
They're in extra virgin olive oil, it seems to me they're sending mixed signals.
They say it's never too late to learn new tricks.
I think Mr Newbold is cutting it a bit fine.
Well, Mrs Evans said she was raised on tinned red salmon, but she's willing to try smoked oysters.
I thought Mr Evans was chapel.
That's great.
It works.
Right, you can't see the damage.
She's looking good.
I hope that Madge is watching.
That's Gastric, she'll be thinking, the balloon man.
I hope half the town is looking.
- There you go - Right.
All right.
Turn round, turn back, go on It's going that way, we've got to go that way.
Right.
Look, it's up there.
That's the key message of this campaign for safer neighbourhoods be alert Our most important weapon is vigilance.
Look out of your windows.
- Be on your guard.
- If you see a suspicious face If you see something out of the ordinary be sure to let us know and I promise we will not let you down.
I'm sure I speak for everyone on the team when I say if you see a suspicious face, be sure to let us know.
It's been a good day for ruining your balloons.
On the other hand, that Mr Teasdale cleaned me out of roysters.
I wonder how Mr Newbold is going on with his.
"Put one aside for me and you," she says and she gives me that smile.
Granville, you stared into the eye of the serpent and it's terrifying.
Well.
Good night, all our customers.
Especially Mr Teasdale.
A man on a mission.