The Avengers (1961) s05e04 Episode Script

As I've demonstrated, our intruder must have come in through the front gate.
- Across the entrance hall.
- Past three checkpoints.
- Came down the security lift.
- Across the main hall.
- The typing pool.
- Past a dozen clerks.
Ah, don't forget the four secretaries.
Mm, indeed, now.
No other way in, no other way out.
No one saw him enter, no one saw him leave.
A veritable Houdini.
Wilton was found here, badly concussed.
- He may be out for weeks.
- There's nothing gone? - Not so much as a piece of red tape.
- This drawer that was found open.
It's the one at the end.
It's empty.
Oh, except for this.
Ernest Quilby, Submission 144.
File transferred to Special Section.
Shut the door! Who's there? Who's there? Do you hear me? Answer me.
- Steed, did you see him? - Who? Someone broke in.
- You must have seen him.
- No one passed us.
I tell you, there was someone here.
I heard him.
He opened a cupboard.
There, you see.
I didn't imagine it.
There's a file missing.
That's Quilby's file.
His drawer was open at the Records Office.
- Quilby's file? - You know him? The man's a crank.
He's sent an invention a week for the past 20 years.
all of them rejected with equal regularity.
What was in file 144? I couldn't tell you.
It was before my time.
My predecessor, Lord Daviot, he'd know.
He's retired now.
You could try him.
If he's no good, try Quilby.
Would you care to take my Lord? And I'll take Quilby.
Steed and Mrs Peel are leaving the Ministry.
They're onto us, Major.
'You have your orders, Ulric.
Proceed with plan two.
' Mr Quilby! Mr Quilby? - I'm John Steed.
- Ah.
- Was I expecting you? - No.
- Oh, surprise.
- Yes, for both of us.
This is my assistant, er - Ackroyd.
- Ackroyd, yes.
- Are you a member of the BA? - The B - British Alchemists.
- Oh, no, no.
The MoD.
- Ah.
M - Ministry of Defence.
Well, you couldn't have timed it better.
My new explosive.
Ideal for saboteurs.
You just sprinkle it on the target.
No fuse, no matches.
Just wait for the rain and then boom! What if there's a drought? Ah That's a good point.
No, actually, it was one of your earlier submissions.
- The self-thrusting bayonet? - That made a very deep impression.
- The jet-propelled army boot? - Marvellous idea.
No, it was your submission 144.
The file was mislaid.
Trust the Ministry.
No sense of order.
- 114 you say.
- 144.
144.
Er oh, yes.
We couldn't forget that.
No, indeed not.
- My formula.
- What kind of formula? You take a teaspoonful at night and you wake up invisible.
Invisible.
Invisible? I made it quite clear when I sent it to Lord Daviot.
Ah! Mr Quilby.
Is this it, Mr Quilby? Oh, well done, boy.
The Ministry's letter.
Back to work.
Blah, blah, blah.
"Your formula has been carefully considered "but we doubt its practicality and are returning it forthwith.
"Yours faithfully, Daviot.
" - Idiots.
Of course it worked.
- You tried it? No, it was too risky.
Cells might disintegrate.
I was hoping the Ministry would find a volunteer.
It's a simple principle.
You see an object because it reflects light.
My formula absorbs light.
No reflection, you can't see it.
- Where is the formula? - Sold.
- Sold? - Eastern Drug Corporation.
Director turned up.
A charming woman.
She'd read my paper, "Transparency of Man".
June issue, Alchemists.
She was most impressed.
- You kept a copy of the formula? - Oh, naturally.
But whilst working on a nuclear device, slight mishap.
- Boom! - Yes, boom! - Formula included.
- I'm afraid so.
- Still, they paid me handsomely.
- How much? 100,000.
As you anticipated, Major, Steed has been with Quilby.
Good.
Return to the embassy.
Lord Daviot's dead? He was pushing down the lilies.
I found him in the ornamental pond.
- Murdered? - Good guess.
- It could have been natural causes.
- Are they ever? Daviot was killed because he knew about Quilby's invisible formula.
- Invisible? - You take a teaspoonful at bedtime.
When you wake up, all your problems have vanished and so have you.
You may scoff but some people take it seriously.
The Eastern Drug Company paid 100,000 for that formula.
The Eastern Drug Company? And we know you-know-who lies behind that pseudonym.
Ambassador Brodny and his crew.
Now, just at this moment he's got some very important guests at the embassy.
Major Vazin and his beautiful wife, Elena, both top spies.
- I suppose they're being watched? - She is.
But he hasn't been seen since he arrived.
Perhaps he sampled some of Quilby's formula.
Major Vazin? Major? Major? Major Vazin? How dare you? Ah, Comrade Elena.
Ambassador, what are you doing in here? Comrade, I must speak with your husband.
Can't you see he's taking a shower? But I have important matter to discuss with him.
Discuss it.
Yes, well, you see, I was checking the embassy account.
There's been a withdrawal of a quarter of a million.
- Yes? - You see Here's the cheque.
Your husband's signature.
Major Alexander Vazin.
So? You see, the tourist allowance is 12 units per day.
Now, you've been here one week.
That's seven 12s.
Three sevens are 21 Read it.
The withdrawal was made on the orders of the Supreme Central Committee.
Read the signature.
Oh.
By him? By him himself? - Are you suggesting it's a forgery? - Oh, no.
No, no, Comrade.
Please, put it away.
But but, Comrade, a quarter of a million? A small price to pay for what the Major has acquired.
Ah.
The new western coding device? No.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't tell me.
I'll get it.
Yes.
The cobalt detonator? These are nothing to what is now in our possession.
Comrade, this intrigues me.
I must This room is private, Brodny.
No one is permitted to enter, not even you.
- If you will excuse me, Ambassador.
- But, Comrade Ah, Major.
Ambassador? Ambassador! You are not dreaming, Ambassador.
My husband is invisible.
My apologies, Brodny.
I did not mean to scare you.
Let me get you a drink, Brodny.
- Say when.
- When! Poor Brodny.
You look pale.
Yes, I need some air.
So you see, Ambassador, or rather, cannot see, our money has not been squandered.
This formula will alter the entire balance of power.
An invisible army to penetrate our enemy's defences.
The ultimate in infiltration.
- And this is ours? - And ours alone.
Oh.
It's fantastic! Of course, the British suspect.
You have heard of a man called John Steed? Oh, yes.
Yes, I have known him for years.
He's a man of many talents, of excellent taste, a good friend A sworn enemy! - And you say he knows? - Suspects.
Don't worry, Ambassador.
The formula is in our possession.
What can go wrong? Hello? Who is that? It's Quilby's assistant, Mr Ackroyd.
What does he want? Yes, Mr Ackroyd? I've heard a rumour you paid 100,000 for Quilby's formula.
As my memory's a little sharper than his, shall we say a similar amount for me to become forgetful? Let's meet and talk.
I want to be sure of what I am buying.
Where do you suggest? Yes, I know.
But come alone.
Understood? And bring a small deposit.
Very well.
In 15 minutes.
Goodbye.
He wants 100,000 or he talks to the British.
Another 100,000? But Major, you already paid 250,000.
That's 100 and 250.
That's That's three You will pay him? We will pay him.
Pretty little gun.
Major, if there's nothing more, it's time for me to disappear.
Disappear! Excuse me.
With such a formula, we shall conquer the world.
Our enemies will be helpless.
Major, Steed is here! - Why are you panicking? - Who is panicking? - Who is panicking? - Then show him in.
In here? You think that's wise? Why not? He cannot see me.
Oh, of course, yes.
And providing you are cautious Don't worry, Major.
He will learn nothing from me.
I hope not.
Remember, Brodny, he cannot see me but I can see you.
Ah, Steed, my dear fellow.
- Please come in.
- Are you sure? Please, please forgive me.
An important telephone call.
You're forgiven.
Well, this certainly is an improvement.
Huh? You complained about your other office.
Me complain? Never.
They've certainly done you proud.
And that chair, very in keeping.
Please, please, don't sit there.
The spring has gone.
Oh, they seem fine to me.
- I didn't know you smoked cigars.
- Yes, all the time.
- And I thought you hated this stuff.
- No, no, I love it.
Ah, good.
After you.
There's a draught.
I'll close the window.
There's something you ought to know.
I tried to tell you the other day but you dashed off.
- Major, please.
- Did you say something? No Yes.
Please continue.
Well, I know you won't believe this but we've been offered a formula that makes a man invisible.
Invisible? Excuse me.
It's a fraud, of course.
But as you're an old friend of mine I thought I'd give you the benefit of Invisible man? I would see through that one immediately.
You think that I, Vladimir Yurislav Brodny, - would fall for such a trick? - No, but That I would pay quarter of a million for such a worthless formula? Who mentioned price? Who what? Who said they asked a quarter of a million? - Well, you did, didn't you? - No, you did.
So you have been approached? No, no, no.
It was just a wild guess.
You think I would lie to you? Sorry you have to rush, old boy.
- The Major's wife.
- Yes, it was a gift.
Delightfully inscribed.
- I assure you we are - Just good friends.
Like that little secretary, huh? Last year.
Blonde, blue eyes.
Remember? Yes.
No.
No, this is entirely different.
This is the wife of Major Vazin.
Oh.
But you were never a respecter of persons.
I assure you, Major Vazin is trusted, respected Comrade.
It's unthinkable, quite out of the question that I would make advance to your to to his wife.
While the cat's away, eh? What? What cat? What? Please.
Oh.
Must put her back.
Please.
Thank you.
I won't be a moment, Major.
Ah, I think I handled that well.
- No, Major? - Quiet.
- What did I say? - You fool.
- What did I do? - Elena's photograph.
Hm? Oh, I assure you, it's just one of Steed's little jokes.
You don't think that I Oh.
- Hello, Alex? - Yes, Elena? - Did you deal with him? - No.
Mrs Peel followed me here.
- Where is she now? - Heading north.
I think she's going back to her apartment.
Leave this to me.
I'll head her off.
I think I handled that well.
- No, Major? - Quiet.
- What did I say? - You fool.
- What did I do? - Elena's photograph.
- That's Vazin all right.
- Perhaps he came in after you left.
I don't think so cos when I was there poor old Brodny was quivering, just like that.
Do you think Vazin was in the room, invisible? - I know it's all against nature.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
How about jellyfish in water? And my headless man.
That was real enough.
I must say, I find Quilby's theory quite fascinating.
Would it work in practice? He indicated numerous avenues.
I intend to experiment.
Well, before you go down those numerous avenues how about this man that Elena met? I didn't see him but his mode of conveyance was most bizarre.
It was an ancient taxi with curtains and - Bobbles? - Mm.
That taxi was parked outside Quilby's.
The ingredients can be found in every home.
How very convenient.
- But I came here - Yes, I know.
The invisible formula.
Well, it had a base of silicon.
Er, yeah, silicon.
It had a soupçon of iridium.
- No, no, no.
Indium.
- Uh-huh.
And it was distilled in polython.
Or was it promethean? One thing I do recall.
It had 93 ingredients and 39 processes in the formula.
Oh.
Could have been 39 ingredients, 93 processes, though.
Was this the woman who bought it? No, it's the other side.
Oh, yes, most enchanting.
A regular little Martha Barry.
No, that's my auntie.
Or it is my niece? Hari Cari.
- Mata Hari? - That's the chap.
There's more than just a resemblance.
She's the modern equivalent.
- Enemy agent? - Yes, Mr Quilby.
Oh, no, no! What have I done? What have I done? I won't accept the money.
Oh, no.
No one will brand Ernest er, Quilby as a traitor.
No.
If the enemy have the formula, we shall have it too.
- Now, Mr Quilby - Don't worry, Mr Steed.
I'll find it.
- Bertha will volunteer.
- Is she another relative? I don't think so, no.
She's a hamster.
Hello, Bertha.
Very patriotic is Bertha.
Have no fear, Mr Steed.
The security of the country is safe.
Yes, I'll do all I can to assist you, even if it kills me.
Start by telling me what you were doing out in your taxi earlier on.
Hm? Oh, not me.
I haven't left here.
That must have been young Ackroyd.
If he's not at home, try the park.
Usually takes a stroll about this time.
Have fun.
Won't you wait to see the result? No, I must fly.
Nice to have known you.
Hello.
Ackroyd.
Where are you? - Yes, I know.
- You'd better be alone this time.
If I see anyone with you, I'll offer my information elsewhere.
Don't worry, Mr Ackroyd.
You won't see anyone.
- Is this seat taken? - Mr Steed.
- Who were you expecting? - No one.
- I always come here.
- For relaxation? - Yes.
- Then relax.
Oh, well, it's time I was That's very unsociable and unbusinesslike.
If you have something to sell, perhaps I'm in the market too.
Why should I possibly have something to sell? You're Quilby's assistant.
- You worked on the formula.
- I did indeed.
Perhaps you retained a copy.
No, the lot I'm offering may be worth far more.
So if you're joining the auction, shall we commence bidding at 100,000? Stay here.
Major, I understand we have disposed of Ackroyd.
Well, I should like to point out that I do not approve of this violence.
- Furthermore - Brodny.
- Yes? - Who are you talking to? The Major.
He's in the other room.
Major, with Ackroyd dead, I presume you will be returning.
It is not for you to presume anything, Brodny.
- But - Where is Steed? How should I know? Not you, Brodny.
Ulric? He's at Mrs Peel's apartment.
- He's - Good.
We will proceed to final phase one.
Mr Steed, I've done it.
I've found the formula.
Good, well, I'll be right over.
I'll be here.
- He's found the formula? - So he says.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Eurgh! I've dealt with Steed.
- We now move to the final phase two.
- Mrs Peel? As you say, Ambassador.
Mrs Peel.
Bloop, bloop, bloop.
I trust you slept well, Mrs Peel? No.
I'd like to complain to the management.
If she moves, shoot to kill.
- Yes, Comrade.
- I will call the Major.
You heard what she said.
If you move, I shoot to kill.
I warn you, I am ruthless.
- Utterly ruthless.
- Shh.
So please, don't move.
Patience, Mrs Peel.
You are about to witness the passport to world domination.
Success is guaranteed.
Nothing can stop us now.
- Ambassador? - Yes, Comrade? You are talking too much.
We meet once again, Mrs Peel.
So you see, Mrs Peel, Quilby was not such a fool after all.
Did you imagine we would pay 100,000 for a worthless formula? But it's a pity you are so inquisitive.
We have no intention of allowing you to inform the Ministry.
Brodny.
- You want me to - No, put her in Ulric's room.
He will deal with her.
Move! No tricks! Promise? Please.
Move! Well, Elena, our task is complete.
We can make arrangements to return home.
And Mrs Peel, I think we can be certain she will escape.
Stop! In here.
Move! Ow! Ha, ha, ha! You cannot escape.
I have you in the Haminsky Hammer lock.
And zis is ze Emma Peel Patent Push-off.
You are forcing me to use the Rubinushka Rush.
Never been known to fail.
Nice doggy.
Want to play? No! No, no.
Down, down! Down, I said! Down! Down, boy! Go! I am the Ambassador.
I am Do you hear me? I am the Ambassador.
Ah, we are nearly ready.
Put these in the car.
As you were.
You are very foolish, Mrs Peel.
- You cannot escape from here.
- No? It's been child's play so far.
Such stringent precautions.
No guards in reception.
- Brodny with an empty gun.
- The fool.
He will pay for that.
But you gave it to him.
If I'm wrong, do forgive me.
You wanted me to escape.
I think I can guess why.
I'm here, Mrs Peel.
No, not there.
Here.
Transparency's all the rage this year.
- Steed? - Ah.
Seen through me at last, eh? - Where are you? - Through the alcove.
No, no, that's the bathroom.
Try the door behind you.
Do come in.
Let's close the door, shall we? Relay system, very simple.
So this is our invisible formula.
Electronics.
Works the windows, the door, the syphon, anything.
A multiple speaker system throws sound in any direction.
That works the filing cabinets.
And this delivers an electric shock, works like a fist.
An invisible fist.
Now, this is the pièce de résistance.
There's a camera in our Records Office Special Section.
I suppose Ackroyd knew the formula was useless? He almost wrecked the entire plan.
Which was to convince us there was an invisible man.
We'd report to the Government.
They'd divert every scientist.
- From vital research.
- Onto a completely useless project.
The cost might ruin our economy.
Worth the 100,000 they paid Quilby.
I don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster.
I don't believe in invisible men.
In fact, Major Vazin - What are you looking at? - A headless man.
How's that for an invisible woman? Meet your other half.
Major Vazin himself.
A final charade for Brodny's benefit? They used him to convince us so they had to convince him first.
Major Vazin? Major? Major? And they succeeded.
- Pity to disillusion him.
- I agree.
Major Vazin? Major? Major! Major.
Anybody home? Ah, Major.
Major, please.
Let me explain.
You see, there was a dog, a big dog.
Don't send me home.
Please.
It's so cold.
Major, I don't want to go home.
I have tickets for the next Beatles concert.
Yes, and I am learning to play cricket here.
- Poor old Brodny.
- He's probably still apologising.
- Profusely.
- To an empty chair.
I knew there couldn't be an invisible man.
My experiments proved conclusively that Hey! It worked.
It really worked.
- But, er - Shh.
Ah-ha.
I thought so.
Take a look.
- Lunch? - Lunch.
We'll both get changed and for that, I'll get the Rolls out of mothballs.