The Mindy Project s05e04 Episode Script

1 Sorry I'm late.
Beep, beep.
Coming through.
Ow! That's my punting foot.
I'm so sorry, Colette.
I'm still getting used to steering my Rascal.
It has been a great help in the recovery from my heart episode during the nurses' strike.
Well, that's not fair.
Every time I ride my hoverboard around the hospital, everyone freaks out just 'cause it explodes.
Well, Dr.
Donna says I need to work on reducing my stress levels.
Well, when I get really stressed out, I just don't come to work for a couple days, and the doctors don't even notice.
We notice.
It's a break for all of us.
But, well, to to lighten my workload, we're going to be hiring another doctor.
Oh! Ooh! Wait, what? This is so exciting! Jeremy, please let him be hot.
Then we can finally shoot our sexy calendar.
You have to let me be in it.
I have a very rare body.
People will be interested.
I'll shoot it.
I got cameras everywhere in this place.
No one's shooting anything! We will be holding interviews this week.
If you'll excuse me, I must return to my office to rake my Zen calming sand.
- Ow! - I am sorry! You got to be careful with that, man.
- I'm trying.
- It's a weapon.
Ah, autumn in New York City.
The leaves have turnt.
Sweaters and blazers make everyone look more educated.
And you can drink liquid chocolate without judgment.
Hey, Leo, no.
Don't don't do that.
That's a Band-Aid.
Definitely don't want this in your mouth.
Oh, God.
Throw it away, throw it away.
Mindy, this is the saddest playground I've ever seen.
The hopscotch area's just a chalk outline of a body.
Okay, I think that's a Keith Haring, which is cool because it's about gay stuff.
You know where I live in New Jersey, the playgrounds actually have grass.
I didn't actually know that people lived in New Jersey.
I thought that's just where people in New York went to dump bodies.
Hold on.
Easy, snob.
New Jersey's great.
Mm.
We gave you Chris Christie, Tony Soprano, - Kevin Smith - Yeah.
Really all of your male husky celebrities.
And technically, the Statue of Liberty is in New Jersey.
- What? - Yep.
Okay, I don't want to hear that, all right? The Statue of Liberty is a hot, green Manhattan bitch.
Your son just pulled a bloody fishnet stocking out of the sandbox.
Oh, my God.
Leo, drop that! Drop that right now! Well, Robin, we did it.
We finally got a baby to sign a nine-month lease on your uterus.
I'm so happy.
I know.
Who's the good daughter-in-law now, Diane? And, um, I'm not technically supposed to say this, but you're our favorite patient.
Yeah, she's not joking.
We just updated our rankings, and you dethroned Lisa.
She came here straight from the gym twice.
Well, Morgan is gonna take you for your very first ultrasound.
And guess what I figured out a way to put Instagram filters on there.
Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
Come on, let's have some fun.
See you tomorrow at 8:00 a.
m.
Mindy, it's time to start the interviews.
We have a very impressive crop of candidates.
One of them delivered a baby on Everest.
Megan, Jen, Sonia Only women.
Yes, well, we've done you such a disservice, you being our only woman doctor all these years.
This way you'll have a gal pal to watch Bravo with.
- Cool.
Go, feminism.
- Right.
That is very impressive, Dr.
Nichols.
You have an MD and a PhD.
You're like two doctors in one.
If the patient needs a second opinion, they just go right back to you.
Well, my PhD is in theater, so only if her pauses are pregnant.
- So good to meet you.
- Thank you.
Color me wowed.
I loved her.
I like that she didn't seem like a loud woman.
Yeah, I don't know, guys.
There was just something really off about her vibe.
Besides, we can't just hire the first person we meet.
Who's next? So nice to meet you.
Ugh, bad vibe.
- So nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
Did you hear how she said "thank you"? That was so weird.
Eh, we can do better than that.
Oh, my God.
Okay, who's next? What about no one? Maybe we should open this up to men, you know, just so we get the best possible choice.
I mean, this is serious, guys.
These people will be in our Oscar pool.
Fine, but can we please make a decision? The strain is taking its toll on me.
- My feet have purpled.
- Oh.
Guys, you will never guess what happened today.
I was on monster.
com, checking to see if I'd gotten any voiceover work, as I do, when I saw a résumé for an OB/GYN that, frankly, blew me away, so I brought him in.
Welcome Robert! Hey, I'm Robert.
Hello.
How are you? - Good.
- Ooh, sorry.
- Uh, take a seat.
- Okay.
So tell us, where was your last place of employment? Oh, it was on board the "Atlantic Fantasy.
" Oh, so you're a doctor on a cruise ship.
Yeah, uh, not just that.
I was also the harness manager for the ship's zip-line.
So you you are an OB/GYN, though, right? Well, don't ask me.
Ask the Universidad de Juarez, El Chapo campus.
I have brought the diploma to prove that I have it.
- Newspapers.
- There's no Racing forms.
I left the diploma at home.
Robert, you know, it's okay.
You don't need to show us your diploma.
It's the one thing you had to remember! - That's okay.
- Son of a bitch! I think it went well.
Yeah, I thought it went pretty good.
Well, thank you for coming in.
Mm-hmm.
Um, do you have a bathroom I can use? Yeah, sure, it's just down the hall.
Um, and is there a time limit for how long I can be in there? - I don't think so.
- Three minutes.
Three minutes.
I'll do my best.
Try to stick to three So? What did you guys think? I thought it was refreshing that he didn't take the normal, boring ivory-tower path to becoming a doctor.
I didn't get a chance to talk to that guy, but I have never felt a stronger connection with another human being.
Thank you, Morgan.
Do you know how brave and confident you need to be to sit in an interview and just fart uncontrollably? - I didn't see that.
- Uh I mean, I love that, and I think we need more of that here.
Mindy, every one of our female candidates was far superior to that walking MRSA infection.
I hate to say it, but it seems like you're too threatened to have another female doctor in the office.
Okay, no.
I love women.
I'm having a full sexual relationship with a Rihanna body pillow.
Back me up, ladies.
I don't know, Dr.
L, part of me thinks the only reason you like me is because you forget I'm a woman half the time.
I'm sorry.
It's just you have those strong, sexy shoulders.
Let's face it, Mindy.
You're kind of a misogynist.
What? Gregory, what did I tell you about playing Spider-Man on the roof? Now you're Professor X.
You just sit there and move things with your mind.
Okay? - Got it? - Got it.
Hey, what are you doing here? Ben, am I a misogynist? I don't think I know you well enough to answer that.
Well, my coworkers think I am, just because I didn't like any of the female doctors they brought in to interview.
And who would? They're a bunch of bitches.
Well, they might be onto something.
- All right.
- Look, why don't you just bring in a female doctor of your own? Uh, that's brilliant.
Well, do you know any OB/GYNs looking for work? What about that one who just got fired from the Midtown Women's Clinic? Oh, my God, I read about her in "Page Six.
" She slapped a doctor.
This is perfect.
Bring in a woman they hate, then they're the misogynists for not hiring her.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I'm just nodding my head so it doesn't ruin our date tomorrow in New Jersey.
Gre Gregory? This little shit.
Well, well, well-freakin'-well.
You called me a misogynist.
You humiliated me in front of that cool guy Robert.
But would a misogynist bring a straight-up human woman female in for an interview? - Okay.
- Okay.
Right now I just want you to give a warm welcome to Dr.
Anna Ziev.
Come on in, Anna.
Nice to meet all of you.
Should I sit in the chair closest to me? Uh, sure, sure.
You're very beautiful.
Hey, no.
No, no.
Anna, your your résumé is really quite impressive.
It says here you've performed over 1,400 deliveries in 4 years.
My, my.
Yes, well, some people have described me as a workaholic, which I reject for its connotations of addiction.
I prefer "workaphile.
" - Ugh.
- Mm-hmm.
I find it's incredible how much you can get done when you only need two hours of sleep a night and take no pleasure from food.
Well, based on your résumé and, uh, Mindy's recommendation and, once again, your breathtaking beauty, I say you're hired.
I agree.
Anna, welcome.
And "awesome" is what I say.
As a formality, though, maybe we should just ask, inquire, about the circumstances why you were, you know, let go from your last position.
I was wondering when this was gonna come up.
In an unfortunate incident that I deeply regret, I slapped another doctor at my practice.
Oh, my God.
What would make you do something so insane? Well, Dr.
Lahiri, a woman can only take her coworker calling her "sweetheart" so many times.
HR said, "Take it as a compliment, sugar," so I took matters into my own palm.
Dignified? No.
Effective? Very.
Wow.
That is shocking.
Anna, I'm sorry, that is unacceptable.
As Gandhi said, "You can be mad, but you ain't got not right to slap no one.
" You slapped Morgan this morning.
You know what? Guys, I am so sorry I brought in this violent criminal.
Honestly, for the safety of our patients, I Get out get out of the way.
Okay.
Anna, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Believe me, the only name you'll be called here is "colleague.
" Yes, welcome to the team, sweetheart.
Uh, sorry, sugar.
Pumpkin? No, that's fine, because you're not ugly.
- Hey.
- Oh, God! What do you think about this shirt? Is this good for Dr.
Z's welcome drinks? I got it at Barney's warehouse sale.
Do you remember my friend Barney? My neighbor, no teeth? Moved into a warehouse.
Eh, we're having welcome drinks for Dr.
Z? - Mm-hmm.
- When I started here, there were no welcome drinks.
I've never been welcomed anywhere.
Are you gonna come? Please.
Ugh, I can't.
I have to go to Jersey to see Ben.
But, you know, let's put a pin in this.
Wha Dr.
Z do you like this shirt? I'm gathering you want me to say yes, even if I don't feel that way.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'll walk you to your office.
Okay, uh Ah, corn's so good.
I didn't know that corn came on, like, a cob like this.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I got to tell you besides that boring-ass ride to get here, I think I love New Jersey.
You know, I can't believe that you can park right next to your house.
- What are you doing? - What? This isn't a park.
This is my backyard.
That could break my lawnmower.
Oh, man, I am so sorry.
It just felt right, you know? It was very wrong.
Didn't miss my train.
Thank God.
See, it wasn't a mistake to stop at the Bada Bing and get a photo.
See, for a strip club, they serve a surprisingly good breakfast.
But that was my first time there.
Hey, I had a really nice time visiting New Jersey.
- I'm glad you came.
- Me too.
Mwah.
Ah, I don't want to leave.
- I'll see you soon.
- But I have a patient at 8:00.
- All right.
- I'll see you really soon.
Okay, I'm gonna do this on the train.
On the train.
Tickets.
Here you go.
This ticket is for Manhattan.
Yeah, I live there Tribeca, specifically.
Nice to meet you, Melania, but this is the express train to Philadelphia.
Oh, no.
God.
Guys? Oh, God, guys, I am so sorry that I'm late.
Look, is my 8:00 here, or did she already leave? No, she's still here.
Don't worry.
The new American doctor took her.
What? Now, remember to take your prenatals, Robin.
And contrary to what Dr.
Lahiri said, you cannot crush them up and snort them.
Dr.
Lahiri, thank you so much for referring me to Dr.
Ziev.
I'm, like, totally in love with her.
Wow.
Well, who isn't? And I am so happy that this worked out.
Girl power.
Well, uh, I will see you in two weeks, Robin.
Bye.
Ooh.
Meow! Looks like a catfight's coming.
It was only a matter of time.
Looks like we've got a Bette Davis, Joan Crawford situation.
Okay.
You think you can just steal my patient? Nate Berkus? Hi.
Oprah's personal design guru? Do you remember me? I was in the studio audience of your show, and they threw me out for doing the Arsenio.
I was like, "Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!" Yeah.
How could I forget that? You do remember.
Uh, Nate, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to deal with this.
- Clearly.
- Send Jeremiah my love.
Of course.
So good to see you.
- You too.
- Thanks.
Talk to you soon.
- Kisses.
- You're all right here, right? - Oh, I'm fine.
- Okay.
It was great meeting you in person, and tell Jeremiah I said hi, too.
He doesn't know you.
Who the hell do you think you are? The youngest non-Asian to get an MD from Harvard.
Also, I had a documentary at Sundance about the bleaching of the coral reefs.
Okay, I saw that.
That was hella moving about a subject that I thought I would not care at all about, but mostly because of Liev Schreiber's narration.
What you did was so unprofessional.
Well, I think it's pretty unprofessional to show up an hour and 32 minutes late for work.
You know what? I totally understand why your old practice fired you, 'cause I'm firing you.
You can't do that.
I just did, baby.
And I'm taking your cool stuff with me.
No, that that is an heirloom.
Nate, Nate, help me accessorize this.
You've gone too far, Lahiri.
Too damn far.
Mindy, you can't just fire the prettiest person in the office without consulting us.
Actually, I can, because we're all entitled to have one emotional firing.
You used your emotional firing on Troy the intern.
He moved back to Ohio and went back into the closet.
Anna stole my patient, which makes her a thief.
If she stole your computer or your work liquor, we'd fire her.
Mindy, just face it.
You don't like Anna because she's a pretty woman.
I'm sorry.
You think she's pretty? She's like a younger Kate Upton with bigger breasts.
Ugh.
Well, I'm sorry, but we all have to work with people we have problems with.
For example, I have a coworker who spurned me romantically after I bought her an apartment an Indian coworker.
All right, we get it.
Here's what's gonna happen.
Anna's gonna return to work tomorrow, and you, Mindy Lahiri, are gonna apologize to her.
And after you apologize to her, you are forbidden to claim that it's Opposites Day.
You guys suck balls.
What? What was that? Okay, fine, fine.
I'll apologize.
Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you, Mindy.
- Not! - Son of a bitch.
Come in.
Hey.
Hey.
So I dropped off your stuff at your apartment, but I figured you might want your phone.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, and your shoe.
Ugh, thank God.
I've had to wear one FatStep the whole day.
So when can I get you back to Jersey? I know a place it's got the best fried clam strips.
The secret is there's no clam inside, just solid fried.
That sounds amazing, but I'll probably have to order it for delivery, because I am never setting foot in the Garbage State ever again.
Being late from New Jersey is why I lost a patient, and now I have to apologize to a she-Satan.
It's not New Jersey's fault you're late.
Everybody else makes it to work on time from the suburbs.
Yeah, you know, I guess I don't know those people, because all the guys I've dated have lived in Manhattan.
What am I supposed to do with that information? I don't know.
It's true, though.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not some rich prick who lives in Tribeca like every other coked-up Chad you've ever dated.
I'm sure he'd bring your shoe like you're frickin' Cinderella.
You know what? Tribeca Chad would have kicked me out first thing in the morning when the stock market opened, told me he was married, and given me a coconut water.
But I would have gotten to work on time, so Well, don't worry.
You don't have to slum it on the commuter train ever again.
You want this open or closed? Closed.
My stuff.
I brought a little piece of the Garden State to brighter up your fire escape.
Oh, hey, buddy, have you seen Nurse Ben? Whoa.
Sorry.
It's okay.
He's here.
He's with a patient.
Should be out soon.
Ooh, sour worms, huh? Those are my favorite.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Do you want one? Oh, sure.
Yeah, thank you.
You know, I didn't have dinner, so I can actually feel my stomach eating itself.
So thank you.
I'll take a couple for safety reasons.
Do you want to talk? I really don't want to do my homework.
Yeah, I'm not gonna sit here and tell my problems to some kid.
Anna was completely in the wrong.
I don't hate women.
I just hate her.
You know, this actually reminds me of a thing that happened to me last year in sixth grade.
For the whole year, I was the only girl on the math team.
Then last year Riley C.
joined.
She was so annoying and was always flirting with all the guys.
Then at regionals, I saw that Riley forgot to reduce a fraction, and I didn't help her.
She ended up getting the question wrong.
Hmm, nice.
No, it it wasn't nice.
All it did was make the boys think that girls were bad at math, and we ended up losing.
That is a really good story.
And, you know, if you think about it, it actually applies to my situation.
Did you know that? Yeah, I know.
That's why I told you.
I see.
That makes more sense.
Hey, kiddo.
Hey.
Mindy, in what world are you "kiddo"? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're Mindy? You're the one dating my dad and the one who ate all my pudding cups from the fridge? I'm sorry.
You are Hey, this just got really interesting.
Actually, we're not dating, because Mindy doesn't date people who live in New Jersey.
Your father's correct, Lindsay, but people can change, you know, if other people do really nice things for them or have cool daughters.
Yeah, well my cool daughter needs to finish her homework.
Yeah, that makes sense.
And you know what? I should go.
- Guess I'll see you around.
- See you.
Shh, shh, shh, quiet.
Mindy, hello.
Do you have anything to say to Anna? Why is the whole staff here? 'Cause we've never seen you apologize for anything, ever.
Are you filming this? Hello? I can't talk right now.
Ridiculous.
Okay, okay, fine.
Anna, I am very sorry for firing you, okay? It was uncool and possibly illegal.
But it's true I was threatened to have another female doctor working here, but I hope you forgive me and that you choose to stay.
Okay, I will stay and give the appearance that I forgive you.
- Thank you.
- Fantastic.
Mindy has apologized.
We can all scoot off back to work.
But I have something else that I need to say.
Oh, that last speech worked.
Stop while you're ahead, girl.
The only reason that I am the way that I am is that I was raised in a system created by men that has pitted women against each other.
It was true in sixth grade, and it's still true today.
I was taught to believe that men can only handle one woman at a time.
So it's not my fault that I was threatened by Anna.
It's the fault of the patriarchy and men like you and you and you and especially you.
I'm a woman! I'm sorry.
It's those sexy shoulders.
This is ridiculous.
Jeremy and I were the ones that suggested the office could use another little lady.
No, but Dr.
L is right.
Because when they were fighting, you were all, "Meow, looks like there's gonna be a catfight," and all the men laughed.
Well, if I hadn't have said it, one of the other fellas would have, and then they'd get my laugh.
See? Exactly.
But not anymore, all right? From now on, I'm a militant feminist, guys.
And no woman here is going to be threatened by another woman.
Unless you're texting with my bae, then it's like krrr! Sure.
But for the rest of the time, let's all have each other's back.
Hey, I got to tell you something, my friend.
I'm a feminist, too.
And I think we should hire a third female doctor.
- No! - Are you out of your mind? No! Okay, I didn't understand any of this.
I'm gonna go back to work.
Excuse me.
Congratulations.
I missed you.
Pardon me, sister.
- Again, I'm very sorry.
- It's okay.
- Krrr! - I got it.
Hey.
- That was a good speech.
- Thank you.
But just to be clear, we aren't friends.
Oh, no, no.
But not because you're a woman because I don't like you as a person.
Exactly.
To me, you'll always be a shrill, frenetic, histrionic person.
Okay.
- Excuse me! Excuse me! - Ow! My elbow! I was clearly trying to exit.
Hey.
I love your Halloween decorations.
Thank you.
Bye.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, look, Ben.
Listen, I am really sorry about what I said, okay? I don't want to be with some Tribeca Chad.
They're mean, and often their penises don't work because of drug use.
Also, I think I could really be with a bridge-and-tunnel guy.
I mean, you got the bridge.
I have the tunnel.
I'm sorry, I thought it was sexy when I was practicing it.
It's not.
Look, riding on the train here, I could kind of see the appeal of a commute, you know? It gives you time to get excited about what you're coming home to.
Yeah.
And there's a bar on the train.
What? You keep missing out.
Damn it! You made quite the impression on Lindsay.
She keeps asking about you.
So there's at least one girl out there who doesn't think you're a misogynist.
I thought Lindsey was so cool, too.
And she's so smart.
I wonder where she gets it from.
Her mom must be a genius.
JK, JK, JK.
So do you think I could come inside? I guess I kind of have to say yes because the next train back to the city isn't for another hour.
Hey, I only need ten minutes.
Ten minutes? Are we gonna do it twice?