The Simple Life (2003) s05e04 Episode Script
Showstoppers
NARRA TOR: Previously on The Simple Life.
Beauty pageant trainees arrive at Camp Shawnee.
-Do you have your own trailer? -No.
NARRA TOR: And Paris and Nicole learn that pageantry is serious business.
We got a lot of work to do this week.
NARRA TOR: When Paris and Nicole try to add some little girl fun to the training itinerary, camp specialist Kyle and the pageant moms are not happy.
You don't teach my 6-year-old how to flip people off.
NARRA TOR: And a simple romance gets nipped in the bud.
Well, he's really nice, but not my type.
Hunty, she really likes you as a friend, not so much into, like, getting serious.
NARRA TOR: Counseling all the pageant princesses takes a lot of energy, so before another big day, Paris and Nicole ask the camp nurse for a Vitamin B12 booster.
You should do it in the tush.
HUNTER: Oh, my God.
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness.
MATTHEW: Oh, boy.
This is gonna hurt.
HUNTER: Oh, my God.
-Thanks.
-All right.
NURSE: Get another one ready.
Ow! Ahh! -Sorry.
Good job, good job.
-I'm just kidding, boys.
NURSE: Will you guys do it now? NlCOLE: Hunter! NURSE: Put these on.
MATTHEW: Whoa! -Knees on the floor.
-Oh, boy.
Now, listen.
I want you to think of unicorns.
WOMAN: Ahhh! Oh.
No, no, no.
MATTHEW: You're ready, Hunty? -Geez.
-Geez.
Hey, there it is.
NURSE: Excellent job.
HUNTER: Yeah, you did it.
NURSE: Excellent.
HUNTER: This is it? I'm done? MATTHEW: That's it? Done? NURSE: That's it.
I'm kind of feeling, like, a little You're ridiculous.
(HONKlNG) Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to wilderness From a little town to a little campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? (COCK CROWlNG) NARRA TOR: Newly re-energized, Nicole starts off Day 4 ofpageant camp with an educational take on the morning announcements.
(NlCOLE SPEAKlNG lN SPANlSH) Oh, my God! WOMAN: She just said the female part of it.
-A puta is a -A puta is a whore.
Puta is, "Whore," it's not, "Bitches.
" That's a whore.
ED: Nicole, get over here! (ED'S VOlCE ECHOlNG) NARRA TOR: While Nicole avoids Ed, Paris and Hunter take their daily walk to the flagpole.
But having learned that his crush has been crushed, Hunter's not his usual upbeat self.
-Are you okay? -Y eah, I'm fine.
You're so quiet.
Well, I can be quiet every once in a while, right? -Usually you're not.
-Yeah, maybe.
-He's not like himself today.
-NlCOLE: What do you mean? Being so weird.
NlCOLE: I don't know.
Maybe he's bipolar.
HUNTER: I'll see you around.
NARRA TOR: Hunter heads off to sulk, but the girls have a bigger problem.
With the moms keeping their daughters on a tight leash, Paris and Nicole ha ve to find innovative ways to help the pageant girls ha ve fun at camp.
What kid is gonna eat this? It's not fun food.
You know how, like, if your dog won't take medicine, you put it in a treat and you make it seem like it's a treat, so they take it? Mine will be the dry one, yours will be the wet one.
NlCOLE: All right, mine's full.
Well, your breakfast is inside the piñata today.
Oh, my God, she's gonna throw.
NlCOLE: Beat it like the judge that didn't let you win your last beauty pageant.
That's hard.
WOMAN: Yeah! (CHEERlNG) -Yeah! -What is going on in here? NlCOLE: Breakfast is served, everyone.
Here's breakfast.
Here you go.
Janet.
AMBER: Danica, don't touch that stuff.
It's been on the floor.
Get over here.
I've raised you better than this.
Danica, sit still or your hair's gonna look a mess.
(YAWNS) AMBER: Pageants are a very big preparation.
It might be a minute and halfper routine on stage, but you're probably looking at months and months and months of preparation ahead of time.
You'll have to be in your pageant dress later on, so don't even start with me.
It's not worth my time to be here -if you're not gonna put the effort into it.
-I wanna do pageants.
MOM: You cry and I'm gonna have to spank you, 'cause I'm tired of it.
MOM 2: I'm not kidding.
I'll be gone.
I'll be done.
GlRL: Does anybody have fruit? MOM: Yeah.
No.
You know what, Danica? You're good.
She really doesn't need to eat right now.
(COUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: Concerned about the Mommie Dearests killing all the fun at Camp Shawnee, Paris and Nicole head to see camp specialist Kyle about a new idea.
We have something that we want to talk to you about.
I mean, we really do care about this camp.
We've spent a lot of time with these girls, and as much as you think that they might need help, I actually think that it's the moms that need the most training.
I don't think that they know what their daughters are going through.
Well, we actually want the moms to do the pageant.
Okay.
I see your point of view.
Let's see what direction that this will go.
So Paris and I were talking, and the moms will be competing in the pageant.
You will be able to help your daughters a lot better if you all were to walk in their shoes and do what they do.
So, girls, you will be able to walk in your mothers' shoes for a day, because you're going to help them get ready for their pageant.
(LAUGHlNG) That is the last thing I want.
I don't love being on stage, being in front of people.
-That's terrifying to me.
-lf you believe it or not, I am really shy.
PARlS: If your daughters can do it, you can, too.
We want you to see how it feels.
Trust me, we feel, as parents, just as much stress watching our child, because it is your child.
NlCOLE: The moms will be competing in the pageant.
That's the way it's gonna be.
NARRA TOR: With the tables turned, the moms now get Kyle's crash course on pageant prep.
Get your stance, turn around.
Look at me, flip the hair.
There you go, love it.
Now you step turn and straddle back to me.
Yes! Good job.
Hit it! NARRA TOR: The little girls can finally have some fun, but it's going to take a lot of work to get the moms prepared.
First, Kyle wants Paris and Nicole to get the moms ' skin looking pageant-ready.
NlCOLE: So come over here, lay down.
It's very, very important that we exfoliate.
-I know that you're a little nervous.
-Yeah.
Just pretend like it's a Saturday night with your husband.
-Now that seems familiar, right? -You're sick, Nicole.
PARlS: Hey, Jorge.
How are you, Jorge? NlCOLE: Hi, Jorge.
Will you do me a favor, babe? These lovely young moms are having a spa day to make them look beautiful.
Will you start over there and give massage? -Okay.
-Thanks.
Gracias.
(MOANlNG) Do you want the cook to give you a happy ending? When you're done, can you finish it off with a happy ending? (ALL LAUGHlNG) Just right in there.
Open a little bit, yeah.
Perfect.
Yeah.
A little up.
I'll be the orchestra.
Ohhh! WOMAN: Getting a little hot in here.
(MOANS) Yeah.
(EXCLAlMS) Jorge accepts any kind of tips, cash or sexual favors.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) So I talked to Hunter.
I was like, "She doesn't want to get into anything serious.
" -What did he say? -That he was bummed.
I offered to give him, like, a blow-up doll of you.
PARlS: Ew! NlCOLE: (CHUCKLlNG) He said, "No.
" Then I said, like, a cardboard thing of you.
And he said, "No.
" Then I said a Barbie doll, like, that looks like you.
PARlS: Uh-huh.
He wasn't down.
He's really bummed.
NARRA TOR: Paris heads out just before Kyle arrives with the new assignment.
-Nicole.
-What's up, sexy bitch? Why are my trophies still not cleaned? Hold tight.
Here's the polish.
Get it done, Nicole.
NARRA TOR: Across camp, Paris teaches the moms how to keep their cool while strutting on stage.
PARlS: All right, girls, listen up.
The next exercise has to do with coordination, handling yourself under stress.
If you're walking down the runway at a pageant, you need to walk like you'd be on a runway.
So who's first? Everyone needs to listen to my question and answer it while walking across.
Describe the type of man you'd want your daughter to marry.
My husband.
You want her to marry her dad? I'm nervous! It's not really, like, working.
I have an idea.
Can't we use the buffer that I used yesterday? It's used to clean things, right? Like, to shine things? Just make sure that you keep the trophy next to the buffer.
-Got it.
-Are you ready? Come on, come on, come on! And what's this? NlCOLE: Your polish idea? It wasn't working.
NARRA TOR: Paris raises the stakes by teaching the moms how to avoid pageant-day distractions.
PARlS: This ball constitutes as if you forgot your lipstick.
This is if your hair looks messed up.
(GlRLS CHEERlNG) That was a very good walk.
You didn 't let any issues bother you.
Faster.
You don 't walk like that on a runway.
(CHEERlNG) You have to walk like a model.
(CRYlNG) PARlS: Shannon, don 't cry.
Pageant girls don 't do that.
You're beautiful.
NARRA TOR: The pageant is less than a day away, so Paris makes sure the moms will be dressed to kill.
I know that the moms weren't prepared for a pageant.
So we went out and got some dresses for you all.
-WOMAN: Thank you.
-Thank you.
NARRA TOR: Then it's time for one last burst of training.
-Oh, dear.
-You got me size 1 6.
I am a size 5.
You know, there's a lot of women that would pay for this.
I did pay for them.
High-ten.
I love you for that.
Shake! But now I'm on the wrong foot again.
And do your double here.
This is a color you don't want to use.
Maybe a Saturday night -on Hollywood Boulevard.
-I was gonna say sweet the sound There you go.
Step out and turn.
She can wear this one.
It's a 7-8, she says she's a 5.
She did not tell you she's a 5.
She's not a 5.
Next! NARRA TOR: With all ofKyle's pageant prep-work done, the moms just need some beauty sleep, but they have a lot on their minds.
LAREE: I'm not excited about doing this pageant.
My dress I look like Mother Goose.
It's so nerve-wracking.
I don't wanna do it.
MOM: Good night.
MOM 2: Good night.
MOM 3: I feel sick.
NARRA TOR: It's pageant day and our campers head to a swanky downtown hotel.
But the moms are still nervous as Paris and Nicole lead them into the pageant, so Miss Hilton offers a little extra support.
-Hi, ladies.
-WOM EN: Hi.
So they said a big part of what they like in the Hot Mom USA is big boobs, so You will not be needing these.
But if anyone wants to add a couple of brownie points on Here we go.
NARRA TOR: Paris gets the moms to perk up, but then they get a look at the young, hot and much better prepared competition.
Very good.
Excellent.
You better go.
Good job.
That was hot.
You go.
Okay.
That was cute.
Okay.
-ls this Dressing Room B? -WOMAN: This is Dressing Room A.
-WOMAN: A.
-Oh, sorry.
-There's no way those girls are moms.
-They're, like, 12.
LAREE: I'm not going up against no little 12-year-old girl.
Can we just say, "Hell no, we won't go"? AMBER: Give them the trophy, 'cause I don't want it.
NARRA TOR: It's a shock to the camp moms ' systems as they realize they're in way over their heads.
And all that's more than poor Amber can take.
PARlS: I feel horrible.
KYLE: Take her out of here She's done.
NARRA TOR: The big pageant is set to begin, but one of the camp moms is freaking out and it's up to Paris and Nicole to save the day.
Don't worry.
And, you guys, everyone is so sweet.
NlCOLE: It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Sorry for my meltdown.
It's okay.
NlCOLE: You guys are all hot bitches.
Really.
Thanks.
That made me feel better.
Hi, Hunter.
Haven't you ever heard of, like, the thing called "personal space"? MATTHEW: Hi, guys.
NlCOLE: Do you guys want to go shopping? Just some last minute stuff for your moms? GlRL: Yeah! SHANNON: Yeah! All right, let's go.
-What do you think your moms will need? -What about deodorant? -So they don't stink.
-PARlS: Perfect.
So they don't stink.
Get one for my mom.
-Does your mom stink? -Yeah, sometimes.
Some lotion.
Maybe Vaseline for those, you know, dry areas.
-DANlCA: Yeah.
-Snacks.
I don't want to buy the toe rings, I just want to buy the actual blue rubber foot.
DANlCA: For what? 'Cause right before your mom goes on stage, you can hit her, and that way it'll give your mom a good kick in the ass.
So everyone join hands.
We're gonna say a little prayer to the pageant gods.
Please bless our tiaras.
PARlS: Bless our dresses, our hair.
Bless our make-up, our fake eyelashes and our lip liner.
And let our hot moms win.
Amen.
-ALL: Amen.
-I'm feeling better already.
Why do they always make you feel better, -even when you're feeling like crud? -Crud.
I know.
-We just have that effect on people.
-Yeah.
NlCOLE: Good luck, you guys.
Kick some ass.
Bye, bitches.
WOMEN: Bye.
MARK: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2007 Mrs.
Hot Mom USA pageant.
(CHEERlNG) I'm your host, Mark McCondo, I'm very proud to be hosting the show here with the lovely and talented Nicole Richie.
Let's hear it for Nicole.
NlCOLE: What's up, bitches? (AUDlENCE LAUGHS) MARK: We also ha ve some very special judges with us today.
Miss Rhode lsland 2003, Krisily Kennedy, L.
A.
casting director, Kara Udell.
From Project Runway, Nick Verreos.
All right.
Let's get to the good stuff.
Here it is.
Beginning the talent portion, here is Michelle.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound All the little birdies on Jaybird street Love to hear the bird sing Tweet, tweet, tweet Rockin ' robin (DANCE MUSlC PLA YlNG) (HA WAllAN MUSlC PLA YlNG) Makes me want to go to Hawaii and get lei'ed.
What are you doing this weekend? -You.
-Hello.
(AUDlENCE GASPlNG) NARRA TOR: There's only one mom left to go in the talent competition.
With the pressure on, it's time for Amber to flip out.
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG) Whoo! Amber was really good at the splits, don 't you think? I was gonna open the show with that, but I knew it was coming, so That was so good.
-I just made it up.
-That was hot.
MARK: Let's hear it for Valerie.
All right, Valerie.
So I have a question for you, and I have a question for your boobs.
If they ha ve different answers, you know, they both can answer different, it's okay.
It's swimwear, you could do barefoot.
NlCOLE: Crystal, you look just like Halle Berry in Catwoman.
So hot, bitch.
When I look at you, I just want to take a nice tropical vacation all over your body.
So sexy.
Danica.
MARK: Ladies and gentleman, I give you Amber.
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG) Now Amber is looking definitely sexy in this one hot cherry bikini.
Don 't you just want to eat the cherries right off of her? So hot! Danica, don't touch the (AUDlENCE GASPlNG) A lesson to all, if you're gonna eavesdrop, be smooth about it.
That was funny.
Let's hear it for all our participants.
And our judges are busily tabulating their scores.
Nicole, give me your thoughts.
Give me your thoughts on how this thing worked out.
The truth? And for those judges that are gonna put me as the winner, -I'm not running, so I mean, you know -MARK: She 's not in.
She 's not in NlCOLE: I'm not about it, so MARK: the competition.
The person who will be announcing the winner is Miss Paris Hilton.
Hi, bitch.
So all you girls did a lovely job tonight.
And the winner of Mrs.
Hot Mom USA is NARRA TOR: With Paris and Nicole 's help, the camp moms made it through the pageant alive.
Now all that's left is to crown the winner.
The winner of Mrs.
Hot Mom USA is Amber.
MARK: Mrs.
Hot Mom USA 2007 is Amber.
Congratulations.
You guys are all hot moms in our eyes.
And you guys are all MlLFs.
They'll take home two tickets to Knott's Berry Farm, America's first theme park.
I don't think they take those at the door.
AMBER: Walking a day in the life ofmy daughter's shoes, being in a pageant, it definitely makes me appreciate how poised and perfected my daughter is.
After this experience, we'll be able to keep it so there's not any stress involved, and it's completely all fun.
You guys did a really great job this week.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Ladies, I'm very proud of you.
Because you are all winners, we have a very special gift for you.
It is a crown necklace from Beverly Hills' Helen Ficalora.
(WHOOPlNG) The competition was great, and, Moms, you were a really great sport.
Happy graduation! MOMS: Thank you.
One, two, three -Camp Shawnee! -Camp Shawnee! NARRA TOR: Having learned so much from Paris this week, Danica 's having a hard time saying goodbye.
-I'm gonna miss you.
-Me, too.
Has anyone seen Danica? ALL: No.
No.
So what do you feel like doing? Going shopping with you.
Danica! This will be fun.
I love shopping.
Are you sure your mom will be okay with this? -Yeah.
-Okay.
Cool.
AMBER: Danica! NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life.
I'm here at Camp Shawnee to have a camp love.
I love your green, beautiful eyes.
I love it doggy style.
That's my favorite.
Hunter's a nice guy.
You should give him a second chance.
PARlS: Is that girl hitting on Hunter?
Beauty pageant trainees arrive at Camp Shawnee.
-Do you have your own trailer? -No.
NARRA TOR: And Paris and Nicole learn that pageantry is serious business.
We got a lot of work to do this week.
NARRA TOR: When Paris and Nicole try to add some little girl fun to the training itinerary, camp specialist Kyle and the pageant moms are not happy.
You don't teach my 6-year-old how to flip people off.
NARRA TOR: And a simple romance gets nipped in the bud.
Well, he's really nice, but not my type.
Hunty, she really likes you as a friend, not so much into, like, getting serious.
NARRA TOR: Counseling all the pageant princesses takes a lot of energy, so before another big day, Paris and Nicole ask the camp nurse for a Vitamin B12 booster.
You should do it in the tush.
HUNTER: Oh, my God.
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness.
MATTHEW: Oh, boy.
This is gonna hurt.
HUNTER: Oh, my God.
-Thanks.
-All right.
NURSE: Get another one ready.
Ow! Ahh! -Sorry.
Good job, good job.
-I'm just kidding, boys.
NURSE: Will you guys do it now? NlCOLE: Hunter! NURSE: Put these on.
MATTHEW: Whoa! -Knees on the floor.
-Oh, boy.
Now, listen.
I want you to think of unicorns.
WOMAN: Ahhh! Oh.
No, no, no.
MATTHEW: You're ready, Hunty? -Geez.
-Geez.
Hey, there it is.
NURSE: Excellent job.
HUNTER: Yeah, you did it.
NURSE: Excellent.
HUNTER: This is it? I'm done? MATTHEW: That's it? Done? NURSE: That's it.
I'm kind of feeling, like, a little You're ridiculous.
(HONKlNG) Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to wilderness From a little town to a little campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? (COCK CROWlNG) NARRA TOR: Newly re-energized, Nicole starts off Day 4 ofpageant camp with an educational take on the morning announcements.
(NlCOLE SPEAKlNG lN SPANlSH) Oh, my God! WOMAN: She just said the female part of it.
-A puta is a -A puta is a whore.
Puta is, "Whore," it's not, "Bitches.
" That's a whore.
ED: Nicole, get over here! (ED'S VOlCE ECHOlNG) NARRA TOR: While Nicole avoids Ed, Paris and Hunter take their daily walk to the flagpole.
But having learned that his crush has been crushed, Hunter's not his usual upbeat self.
-Are you okay? -Y eah, I'm fine.
You're so quiet.
Well, I can be quiet every once in a while, right? -Usually you're not.
-Yeah, maybe.
-He's not like himself today.
-NlCOLE: What do you mean? Being so weird.
NlCOLE: I don't know.
Maybe he's bipolar.
HUNTER: I'll see you around.
NARRA TOR: Hunter heads off to sulk, but the girls have a bigger problem.
With the moms keeping their daughters on a tight leash, Paris and Nicole ha ve to find innovative ways to help the pageant girls ha ve fun at camp.
What kid is gonna eat this? It's not fun food.
You know how, like, if your dog won't take medicine, you put it in a treat and you make it seem like it's a treat, so they take it? Mine will be the dry one, yours will be the wet one.
NlCOLE: All right, mine's full.
Well, your breakfast is inside the piñata today.
Oh, my God, she's gonna throw.
NlCOLE: Beat it like the judge that didn't let you win your last beauty pageant.
That's hard.
WOMAN: Yeah! (CHEERlNG) -Yeah! -What is going on in here? NlCOLE: Breakfast is served, everyone.
Here's breakfast.
Here you go.
Janet.
AMBER: Danica, don't touch that stuff.
It's been on the floor.
Get over here.
I've raised you better than this.
Danica, sit still or your hair's gonna look a mess.
(YAWNS) AMBER: Pageants are a very big preparation.
It might be a minute and halfper routine on stage, but you're probably looking at months and months and months of preparation ahead of time.
You'll have to be in your pageant dress later on, so don't even start with me.
It's not worth my time to be here -if you're not gonna put the effort into it.
-I wanna do pageants.
MOM: You cry and I'm gonna have to spank you, 'cause I'm tired of it.
MOM 2: I'm not kidding.
I'll be gone.
I'll be done.
GlRL: Does anybody have fruit? MOM: Yeah.
No.
You know what, Danica? You're good.
She really doesn't need to eat right now.
(COUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: Concerned about the Mommie Dearests killing all the fun at Camp Shawnee, Paris and Nicole head to see camp specialist Kyle about a new idea.
We have something that we want to talk to you about.
I mean, we really do care about this camp.
We've spent a lot of time with these girls, and as much as you think that they might need help, I actually think that it's the moms that need the most training.
I don't think that they know what their daughters are going through.
Well, we actually want the moms to do the pageant.
Okay.
I see your point of view.
Let's see what direction that this will go.
So Paris and I were talking, and the moms will be competing in the pageant.
You will be able to help your daughters a lot better if you all were to walk in their shoes and do what they do.
So, girls, you will be able to walk in your mothers' shoes for a day, because you're going to help them get ready for their pageant.
(LAUGHlNG) That is the last thing I want.
I don't love being on stage, being in front of people.
-That's terrifying to me.
-lf you believe it or not, I am really shy.
PARlS: If your daughters can do it, you can, too.
We want you to see how it feels.
Trust me, we feel, as parents, just as much stress watching our child, because it is your child.
NlCOLE: The moms will be competing in the pageant.
That's the way it's gonna be.
NARRA TOR: With the tables turned, the moms now get Kyle's crash course on pageant prep.
Get your stance, turn around.
Look at me, flip the hair.
There you go, love it.
Now you step turn and straddle back to me.
Yes! Good job.
Hit it! NARRA TOR: The little girls can finally have some fun, but it's going to take a lot of work to get the moms prepared.
First, Kyle wants Paris and Nicole to get the moms ' skin looking pageant-ready.
NlCOLE: So come over here, lay down.
It's very, very important that we exfoliate.
-I know that you're a little nervous.
-Yeah.
Just pretend like it's a Saturday night with your husband.
-Now that seems familiar, right? -You're sick, Nicole.
PARlS: Hey, Jorge.
How are you, Jorge? NlCOLE: Hi, Jorge.
Will you do me a favor, babe? These lovely young moms are having a spa day to make them look beautiful.
Will you start over there and give massage? -Okay.
-Thanks.
Gracias.
(MOANlNG) Do you want the cook to give you a happy ending? When you're done, can you finish it off with a happy ending? (ALL LAUGHlNG) Just right in there.
Open a little bit, yeah.
Perfect.
Yeah.
A little up.
I'll be the orchestra.
Ohhh! WOMAN: Getting a little hot in here.
(MOANS) Yeah.
(EXCLAlMS) Jorge accepts any kind of tips, cash or sexual favors.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) So I talked to Hunter.
I was like, "She doesn't want to get into anything serious.
" -What did he say? -That he was bummed.
I offered to give him, like, a blow-up doll of you.
PARlS: Ew! NlCOLE: (CHUCKLlNG) He said, "No.
" Then I said, like, a cardboard thing of you.
And he said, "No.
" Then I said a Barbie doll, like, that looks like you.
PARlS: Uh-huh.
He wasn't down.
He's really bummed.
NARRA TOR: Paris heads out just before Kyle arrives with the new assignment.
-Nicole.
-What's up, sexy bitch? Why are my trophies still not cleaned? Hold tight.
Here's the polish.
Get it done, Nicole.
NARRA TOR: Across camp, Paris teaches the moms how to keep their cool while strutting on stage.
PARlS: All right, girls, listen up.
The next exercise has to do with coordination, handling yourself under stress.
If you're walking down the runway at a pageant, you need to walk like you'd be on a runway.
So who's first? Everyone needs to listen to my question and answer it while walking across.
Describe the type of man you'd want your daughter to marry.
My husband.
You want her to marry her dad? I'm nervous! It's not really, like, working.
I have an idea.
Can't we use the buffer that I used yesterday? It's used to clean things, right? Like, to shine things? Just make sure that you keep the trophy next to the buffer.
-Got it.
-Are you ready? Come on, come on, come on! And what's this? NlCOLE: Your polish idea? It wasn't working.
NARRA TOR: Paris raises the stakes by teaching the moms how to avoid pageant-day distractions.
PARlS: This ball constitutes as if you forgot your lipstick.
This is if your hair looks messed up.
(GlRLS CHEERlNG) That was a very good walk.
You didn 't let any issues bother you.
Faster.
You don 't walk like that on a runway.
(CHEERlNG) You have to walk like a model.
(CRYlNG) PARlS: Shannon, don 't cry.
Pageant girls don 't do that.
You're beautiful.
NARRA TOR: The pageant is less than a day away, so Paris makes sure the moms will be dressed to kill.
I know that the moms weren't prepared for a pageant.
So we went out and got some dresses for you all.
-WOMAN: Thank you.
-Thank you.
NARRA TOR: Then it's time for one last burst of training.
-Oh, dear.
-You got me size 1 6.
I am a size 5.
You know, there's a lot of women that would pay for this.
I did pay for them.
High-ten.
I love you for that.
Shake! But now I'm on the wrong foot again.
And do your double here.
This is a color you don't want to use.
Maybe a Saturday night -on Hollywood Boulevard.
-I was gonna say sweet the sound There you go.
Step out and turn.
She can wear this one.
It's a 7-8, she says she's a 5.
She did not tell you she's a 5.
She's not a 5.
Next! NARRA TOR: With all ofKyle's pageant prep-work done, the moms just need some beauty sleep, but they have a lot on their minds.
LAREE: I'm not excited about doing this pageant.
My dress I look like Mother Goose.
It's so nerve-wracking.
I don't wanna do it.
MOM: Good night.
MOM 2: Good night.
MOM 3: I feel sick.
NARRA TOR: It's pageant day and our campers head to a swanky downtown hotel.
But the moms are still nervous as Paris and Nicole lead them into the pageant, so Miss Hilton offers a little extra support.
-Hi, ladies.
-WOM EN: Hi.
So they said a big part of what they like in the Hot Mom USA is big boobs, so You will not be needing these.
But if anyone wants to add a couple of brownie points on Here we go.
NARRA TOR: Paris gets the moms to perk up, but then they get a look at the young, hot and much better prepared competition.
Very good.
Excellent.
You better go.
Good job.
That was hot.
You go.
Okay.
That was cute.
Okay.
-ls this Dressing Room B? -WOMAN: This is Dressing Room A.
-WOMAN: A.
-Oh, sorry.
-There's no way those girls are moms.
-They're, like, 12.
LAREE: I'm not going up against no little 12-year-old girl.
Can we just say, "Hell no, we won't go"? AMBER: Give them the trophy, 'cause I don't want it.
NARRA TOR: It's a shock to the camp moms ' systems as they realize they're in way over their heads.
And all that's more than poor Amber can take.
PARlS: I feel horrible.
KYLE: Take her out of here She's done.
NARRA TOR: The big pageant is set to begin, but one of the camp moms is freaking out and it's up to Paris and Nicole to save the day.
Don't worry.
And, you guys, everyone is so sweet.
NlCOLE: It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Sorry for my meltdown.
It's okay.
NlCOLE: You guys are all hot bitches.
Really.
Thanks.
That made me feel better.
Hi, Hunter.
Haven't you ever heard of, like, the thing called "personal space"? MATTHEW: Hi, guys.
NlCOLE: Do you guys want to go shopping? Just some last minute stuff for your moms? GlRL: Yeah! SHANNON: Yeah! All right, let's go.
-What do you think your moms will need? -What about deodorant? -So they don't stink.
-PARlS: Perfect.
So they don't stink.
Get one for my mom.
-Does your mom stink? -Yeah, sometimes.
Some lotion.
Maybe Vaseline for those, you know, dry areas.
-DANlCA: Yeah.
-Snacks.
I don't want to buy the toe rings, I just want to buy the actual blue rubber foot.
DANlCA: For what? 'Cause right before your mom goes on stage, you can hit her, and that way it'll give your mom a good kick in the ass.
So everyone join hands.
We're gonna say a little prayer to the pageant gods.
Please bless our tiaras.
PARlS: Bless our dresses, our hair.
Bless our make-up, our fake eyelashes and our lip liner.
And let our hot moms win.
Amen.
-ALL: Amen.
-I'm feeling better already.
Why do they always make you feel better, -even when you're feeling like crud? -Crud.
I know.
-We just have that effect on people.
-Yeah.
NlCOLE: Good luck, you guys.
Kick some ass.
Bye, bitches.
WOMEN: Bye.
MARK: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2007 Mrs.
Hot Mom USA pageant.
(CHEERlNG) I'm your host, Mark McCondo, I'm very proud to be hosting the show here with the lovely and talented Nicole Richie.
Let's hear it for Nicole.
NlCOLE: What's up, bitches? (AUDlENCE LAUGHS) MARK: We also ha ve some very special judges with us today.
Miss Rhode lsland 2003, Krisily Kennedy, L.
A.
casting director, Kara Udell.
From Project Runway, Nick Verreos.
All right.
Let's get to the good stuff.
Here it is.
Beginning the talent portion, here is Michelle.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound All the little birdies on Jaybird street Love to hear the bird sing Tweet, tweet, tweet Rockin ' robin (DANCE MUSlC PLA YlNG) (HA WAllAN MUSlC PLA YlNG) Makes me want to go to Hawaii and get lei'ed.
What are you doing this weekend? -You.
-Hello.
(AUDlENCE GASPlNG) NARRA TOR: There's only one mom left to go in the talent competition.
With the pressure on, it's time for Amber to flip out.
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG) Whoo! Amber was really good at the splits, don 't you think? I was gonna open the show with that, but I knew it was coming, so That was so good.
-I just made it up.
-That was hot.
MARK: Let's hear it for Valerie.
All right, Valerie.
So I have a question for you, and I have a question for your boobs.
If they ha ve different answers, you know, they both can answer different, it's okay.
It's swimwear, you could do barefoot.
NlCOLE: Crystal, you look just like Halle Berry in Catwoman.
So hot, bitch.
When I look at you, I just want to take a nice tropical vacation all over your body.
So sexy.
Danica.
MARK: Ladies and gentleman, I give you Amber.
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG) Now Amber is looking definitely sexy in this one hot cherry bikini.
Don 't you just want to eat the cherries right off of her? So hot! Danica, don't touch the (AUDlENCE GASPlNG) A lesson to all, if you're gonna eavesdrop, be smooth about it.
That was funny.
Let's hear it for all our participants.
And our judges are busily tabulating their scores.
Nicole, give me your thoughts.
Give me your thoughts on how this thing worked out.
The truth? And for those judges that are gonna put me as the winner, -I'm not running, so I mean, you know -MARK: She 's not in.
She 's not in NlCOLE: I'm not about it, so MARK: the competition.
The person who will be announcing the winner is Miss Paris Hilton.
Hi, bitch.
So all you girls did a lovely job tonight.
And the winner of Mrs.
Hot Mom USA is NARRA TOR: With Paris and Nicole 's help, the camp moms made it through the pageant alive.
Now all that's left is to crown the winner.
The winner of Mrs.
Hot Mom USA is Amber.
MARK: Mrs.
Hot Mom USA 2007 is Amber.
Congratulations.
You guys are all hot moms in our eyes.
And you guys are all MlLFs.
They'll take home two tickets to Knott's Berry Farm, America's first theme park.
I don't think they take those at the door.
AMBER: Walking a day in the life ofmy daughter's shoes, being in a pageant, it definitely makes me appreciate how poised and perfected my daughter is.
After this experience, we'll be able to keep it so there's not any stress involved, and it's completely all fun.
You guys did a really great job this week.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Ladies, I'm very proud of you.
Because you are all winners, we have a very special gift for you.
It is a crown necklace from Beverly Hills' Helen Ficalora.
(WHOOPlNG) The competition was great, and, Moms, you were a really great sport.
Happy graduation! MOMS: Thank you.
One, two, three -Camp Shawnee! -Camp Shawnee! NARRA TOR: Having learned so much from Paris this week, Danica 's having a hard time saying goodbye.
-I'm gonna miss you.
-Me, too.
Has anyone seen Danica? ALL: No.
No.
So what do you feel like doing? Going shopping with you.
Danica! This will be fun.
I love shopping.
Are you sure your mom will be okay with this? -Yeah.
-Okay.
Cool.
AMBER: Danica! NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life.
I'm here at Camp Shawnee to have a camp love.
I love your green, beautiful eyes.
I love it doggy style.
That's my favorite.
Hunter's a nice guy.
You should give him a second chance.
PARlS: Is that girl hitting on Hunter?