The Two Ronnies (1971) s05e04 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 4
(Applause) Good evening.
It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight, we talk to a stereo expert about his favourite breakfast - two bowls of Rice Krispies ten feet apart.
Then we'll have a novelty dance by Rita Mertrikata, who dresses only in three coins.
We let her come on the show as she's down to her last penny.
And we'll be talking to another young lady who's a world authority on carpets, an expert on rugs and not at all bad on lino.
But first, the news.
After an all-night sitting in the House of Commons, all parties have now agreed it must've been the curry.
Figures released today show that two out of every ten men work for a nationalised industry, while the other eight sit and watch them.
Mr 0sbert Grove, Britain's worst ever postman, who claims he was wrongfully dismissed by the GP0, today delivered a petition to the Queen at 15, Station Street, Scunthorpe.
Following an incident in 0xford Street involving three lady shoppers and a policeman's truncheon, Mr Bert Whizzer, a one-man band, has been charged with conducting himself improperly.
And more news, indeed, from the world of music.
Shirley Bassey has just had a single come out.
0ne of the straps broke on her dress.
But now a sketch in which Mr Ronnie Corbett performs the last dance of Bert Higgins, the famous one-legged tap-dancer.
He collapses in the middle of his act and has to crawl off the stage on all threes.
- Evening.
- Evening.
- Crowded tonight.
- Crowded tonight.
Unusual, you know, that, for a Sunday.
Unusual, you know, that, for a Sunday.
Would you remind not repeating everything I say, please? I'm awfully sorry.
Sorry.
- My name's Arthur Wilkins, by the way.
- Hello, I'm George Protheroe.
Hello, I'm George Protheroe.
- You said you were Arthur Wilkins.
- You said you were Arthur Wilkins.
- My God, you're doing it again.
- My God, you're doing it again.
Look, please! Will you please not interrupt me all the time and repeat everything I say? There's more repeats with you than the BBC.
I'm awfully sorry.
Awfully sorry.
I bought a calendar in Tamworth yesterday.
- That's better.
- That's better.
- You're doing it again.
- You're doing it again.
- Stop it! - Stop it! Look, I may be unusual but I find it very irritating for someone to keep repeating everything I say all the time.
It's not what I regard as the art of conversation.
I'm awfully sorry but I've got this nervous compulsion, you see.
The first three things that anybody says, I repeat, then next one, I don't.
Then the next three I repeat and the next one, I don't, and so on.
- 0h, my God, how awful.
- 0h, my God, how awful.
Well, I'd best get through my next two remarks as quickly as possible.
Knickers.
Well, I'd best get through my next two remarks as quickly as possible.
Knickers.
- More knickers.
- More knickers.
Good.
Now we can talk some sense.
How long has this complaint been going on? Good.
Now we can talk some sense.
How long has this complaint been going on? - You just repeated me a fourth time.
- Yes, I think it's getting worse.
- I think you're a fake.
- I think you're a fake.
Right.
I'll fix you.
To escort an orang-utan from Baden-Baden to Wagga Wagga via Addis Ababa and vice versa is enough to make a Ghurkha Sherpa commit hari-kari.
Right.
I'll fox you.
To escort an orang-utan from Baden-Baden to Wagga Wagga via Addis Ababa and vice versa is enough to make a Sherpa Ghurkha commit hari-kari.
Tasmanian Dalmatians hate Romanian Alsatians and Romanian Alsatians hate Tasmanian Dalmatians.
But antiquarian Bulgarians love planetariums and aquariums.
And Romanians, Lithuanians and Tasmanians all love geraniums.
Men born under Aries are usually fairies.
Betty Botter bought a bit of butter but she said, "This butter's bitter.
"If I buy a bit of better butter it will make my bit of bitter butter better.
" So she bought a bit of better butter and it made her bit of bitter butter better.
(Applause) Sometimes I only repeat things twice.
You're a fraud, I'm not talking to you.
- You're a fraud, I'm not talking to you.
- This man is a fake.
(All) This man is a fake.
- 0h, my God! - (All) 0h, my God.
- They're all doing it.
- They're all doing it.
- I must get out of here.
- I must get out of here.
Good evening.
My name is Arnold Splint and I'm here tonight.
This is an appeal for women only.
Now, please don't switch off because it's you men I want to talk to especially.
I'm appealing to you for women.
I need them desperately.
I can't get enough.
And the reason that I'm appealing to you men is that I don't appeal to women.
I still need them, so this is how you can help.
If you have an old woman you no longer need, send her to me.
Simply tie her arms and legs together, wrap her brown paper and post her to me at the BBC, with your own name printed clearly on the bottom.
Because that's the bit I shall undo first.
Now Send as many women as you like, now matter how small.
I assure you all those accepted will be made good use of by me and my team of helpers, who, incidentally, carry on this work, many without any form of support.
I do hope you can find time to send me something.
We did originally start collecting with a van from door to door but this scheme was abandoned owing to the wear and tear on the knockers.
I think we should remember that Christmas comes but once a year and when it does come, and you are sitting at home by your own fireside, warming yourself beside a roaring great woman, think of all those poor unfortunate people who are having to go without at Christmas.
Why not send them an old flame or two to warm the cockles of their hearth rug? Please, post them off today.
Help us set up our women-on-wheels service for old men who can't move about.
I know it's not easy.
It requires self-denial, patience and an enormous amount of string.
But I'm sure you'll feel better for it - I know I shall.
Good night.
London, 1898.
The Phantom roamed the streets, outraging decent human beings by his surprise attacks.
No one was safe from this deadly assailant.
The Prime Minister's butler bore the full brunt of the first onslaught.
- (Raspberry) - 0h! 0hhhh! Help! I have never been so And from then on, no one of aristocratic blood could rest easily in their beds.
The Duchess of Arc had been found floating in her bloomers with a raspberry tattooed on each knee.
Week after week, the Phantom relentlessly continued his attacks.
(Raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberries) (Raspberries) Time and time again, the Phantom struck, all over London.
(Raspberry) Heavily overworked, the police force was in danger of collapse but the search went doggedly on.
- (Raspberry) - 'Ere, I want a word with you.
(Raspberry) 'Ere, I want a word with you.
Then, one morning, a ray of hope.
(# Jerusalem) Sorry to interrupt your twiddling, Inspector, but this is Mrs Socks.
- What is? - This woman I've got hold of here.
0h, is it? Good afternoon.
Please sit down.
- Thank you.
- No, not you, Sergeant.
Now, Mrs Socks, would you tell me, please, all you know about the Phantom? Well, he's my son.
0h? 0h! I know I shouldn't be informing on him to the rozzers but I think you ought to know why he's a-doing of it.
And why is he a-doing of it? Well, I've known him since he was born.
It all started with his father.
Yes, yes, it would do, yes.
Dan Socks and I were a happy pair.
He was a master rubber cushion moulder.
- Naturally.
- Well He was employed by the late Lord Cardigan, a wealthy practical joker, to make whoopee cushions to embarrass his guests at dinner.
Well, one of his guests, General Fergus Park, was outraged and he in turn decided to make whoopee cushions bigger and better and louder and ruder, to embarrass Lord Cardigan.
I see.
This started a conflict between them and the pressure upon my husband was terrific.
Lord Cardigan worked him night and day to outdo General Park.
- Quite.
- I do hope I'm not boring you, Inspector.
Not at all.
Go on.
Finally, exhausted after ten years of conflict, they called a truce and both invited Ernest and I to dinner.
But, unbeknown to us, they had secreted an explosive giant whoopee cushion under my husband's chair.
- Then what happened? - Well, as he sat down, the shock was too much - he had a seizure in his legs.
(Echoes) Then what did you do? Well, I was so surprised, I nearly wet the tablecloth with my white wine.
And your son swore revenge on behalf of his father.
Indeed he did.
Swore something terrible.
Where is he now, then? I don't know.
I wish I did.
- What did you say his first name was? - Dick.
Dick.
Dick.
No, just one Dick.
- Sergeant Bowles.
- Yes, sir? - Arrest all men called Dick.
- Very good, sir.
Anyhow, ever since his father's death, he swore to get even by attacking the ruling classes, even royalty.
Thank you.
Even royalty, eh? Do you know what this means, Sergeant Bowles? - No, sir.
- No, I didn't think you would.
It means he may attack even royalty.
Her Majesty! We must protect the Queen's person at all costs.
Yes, sir.
Who is the Queen's person, sir? I have not time to bandy legs with you, Bowles.
The Queen is in mortal danger.
Even now, it may be too late.
We must round up all those who are loosely connected with royalty whose Christian name is Dick.
A seemingly hopeless task.
- Pardon? - No, I didn't speak.
How could even the great Inspector Corner of the Yard trace one madman in a city of six million inhabitants? As luck would have it, the first person they questioned called Dick also had royal connections.
Dick Harris and Sons.
Loyal subjects, would you say, Bowles? I don't know, sir.
It says "Cobblers to the Queen".
- I think perhaps we'd better investigate.
- Sir.
Good day, my man.
I'm a police officer.
They'll be ready Thursday.
I've not come for shoes, I am pursuing inquiries.
- Well, he ain't been through here.
- (Clattering) Shut up, Henry! That's Henry, my brother.
He be daft, not like me.
I be saving two shillings to get married.
When were you cobblers to the Queen? - I wasn't.
- Then why is it on your sign? 0h, I shouted it once in Hyde Park.
(Banging) Shut up, Henry, and stick your head in a bucket of water.
He gets these terrible throbbing pains in his anvil.
- I think we're wasting our time here.
- Sir.
That's right, gentlemen.
They'll be ready Thursday.
It's all right, Dick, they've gone.
(Banging) If you don't calm down it'll be the chains again.
- (Roaring, raspberries blowing) - The chains, and the racks! D'you understand? The racks! - (Banging, raspberries) - Stop it! Stop it, will you? Stop it! 0therwise I'll be done for.
No one must know my awful secret.
No one must know that I'm harbouring the Phantom Raspberry Blower of 0ld London Town.
(Banging) Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # I need to laugh and when the sun is out # I've got something I can laugh about # I feel good in a special way # I'm in love and it's a sunny day # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # We take a walk, the sun is shining down # Burns my feet as they touch the ground # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # And then we lie beneath a shady tree # 0oh, I love her and she's loving me # She feels good, she knows she's looking fine # I'm so proud to know that she is mine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # (Applause) My Secret by Pam Ayres.
I'm on the telly all the time With poems what I wrote Suppressing giggles in me cheek And chuckles in me throat But I'm now going to surprise you Forgive me if I brag About my well-kept secret I'm Benny Hill in drag (All) Good evening.
I am speaking to you tonight on behalf of the Labour Conservative Liberal party.
Now, I'm not going to bore you with a lot of political clichés, which you've heard time and time again.
Broken promises, soaring prices, inflation and all the empty rhetoric that - that the Conservatives and Socialists are so fond of.
I am a Conservative, a Liberal, a Socialist.
And I am interested in - facts.
- The truth.
And that is why I say to you let us look at - the facts.
the truth.
There are people who say there's no difference between the parties any more.
They say the Conservatives and Socialists and Liberals are all saying the same thing.
We're not! And to those who say we are saying the same thing, we in the Labour Liberal Tory party say - rot.
that isn't true at all.
There are basic, radical, fundamental differences - between both all three parties on which there can never, repeat never, be any real measure of agreement.
- Absolutely.
- Quite right.
Couldn't agree more.
What are those differences? Well, it is only the Liberals Conservatives Socialists who really believe in an expanding economy, a united Europe and the freedom of the individual.
And Joe Grimond.
So why not change your vote this election and vote for the party with a difference? The Liberal Conservative Labour party.
- Good night.
- And God bless you.
(Laughs) You know, the newspapers are always so ludicrously coy about any reference to Er, about any reference to er Any reference to the er (Clears throat) The procreative habits.
The what? The procr Well, in layman's language, er, to be, the physical union, the physical conjunction.
- What? - The papers are.
They always skirt round the subject, don't they? What subject? Well, the subject of, ahem, not to beat about the bush, the subject of er not, er, beating about the bush.
And, er, being certain about certain things that do go on between a man and a woman when married.
Pardon? Look, to be blunt, the things that the papers aren't blunt about.
You know, in a word thing.
You know - thing.
Thing? - I'm sorry? - Thing, you know.
What you make when your wife is in bed on Sunday morning.
- Breakfast, you mean? - Not breakfast! Not breakfast.
- 0h, sex, you mean? - Shhh! - Yes, yes.
- 0h, that.
They're all so evasive about it, aren't they? Not like you or I.
No.
I mean, one ought to be able to use certain words freely, like erm like like certain words, you know, which one can use freely.
Yes, yes, but they're so evasive about it, aren't they? Weather's been very nice recently, hasn't it? I mean they always skirt round the subject, don't they? My wife bought a nice new hat the other day.
I mean, it says here, look - "intimacy took place.
" Now, why don't they just come out with it and say - he gave her a jolly good - Did you see the cricket by any chance? - He gave her a jolly good - Cricket! Why don't they say he gave her a jolly good dinner and then took her home and then - And then what? - And then, well, and then Er, and then, er And then er (Clears throat) intimacy took place.
It's the same with contra with contra You know.
With contra Erm, with With the pill.
- Does your wife take the pill? - I don't pry into her private life.
- Mine does.
- Does she? Yes.
0h, it's my stop now.
Mind you, only one a day.
Still, that's seven a week, you know.
Excuse me.
Course, we don't use all of them.
And now, here is the late news.
We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint.
It is believed both crews have been marooned.
News from the courts.
A sheikh from Abu Dhabi appeared in Kuwait divorce court today.
His harem claimed infidelity and cited the Dagenham Girl Pipers.
And a man was prosecuted for cruelty by the RSPCA.
He bought a homing pigeon and then moved house.
A member of the Buckingham Palace staff who was accused of stealing ten large cans of beans, 7lb of radishes and three jars of pickled onions has been given a royal pardon.
0ur next sketch will feature an artistic lady nudist, who will do lightning pen and ink sketches, as long as she doesn't drop her fountain pen and Inka Dinka Doo.
(Applause) Thank you, thank you, the studio audience.
No, they really are a fabulous audience here this evening, I can say that.
Good heavens, I can, really.
It's amazing the difference that a bowl of soup and a bed for the night can make.
Now Listen to this.
This'll make you laugh.
Well, it won't make everybody laugh, you know, because you can never please everybody, as we know.
I was working - this is true - I was working in the theatre last week and after the performance, two little boys, at the stage door, you see, and one said, "I thought you were very good," he said.
"Will you give me your autograph?" The other one said, "I thought you were rotten.
" So I gave him 10p, you see, to the little boy who said I was rotten.
And the other little boy said, "I said you were very good and you gave me nothing "and he said you were rotten and you gave him 10p.
" And I said, "I gave him 10p because he was being absolutely honest.
" He said, "What do you mean, honest? He never even saw the show.
"It was me that told him you were rotten.
" It's true.
Anyway Here is this very funny story that my agent sold me.
Now it's It's about an air liner full of holidaymakers returning from the Continent.
Now, there's always a temptation, when a comedian is talking about aeroplanes, to do the jokes - you know, the plane was so old it had an outside toilet and And, "When we landed to refuel, we took on wood.
" But I'm I am not I am not going to do that sort of thing because, I mean, all that was years ago when they did these really cheap Continental holidays, you know.
The old kamikaze pound stretchers.
The white white-knuckle flights, you know, when everybody used to sit there, you know, before take-off, holding their breath.
Sometimes, it was so quiet, you could hear the deathwatch beetle in the propellers.
And And then when the undercarriage failed, all the third-class passengers had to put their legs through holes in the floor and run like hell, you know.
But I have just had a thought that there might be viewers watching at home - it's possible, it's a cold night, people just can't afford people just can't afford to go to the pubs and pictures like they used to.
I rang our local cinema and I said, "What time does the big picture start?" He said, "What time can you get here?" Perhaps not exactly true but they have had to make economies, you know.
I mean, we used to have a very pretty girl with a torch showing us to our seats, you know.
Now they've got a cat with one eye that walks down the aisle backwards.
- But - (Applause) What I'm trying to say, if I'll give myself half a chance, is that there might be viewers watching at home of a nervous disposition who don't like aeroplane stories, you know.
Actually, my wife has been like that ever since during the war.
Her father was shot down by one of our own aircraft.
He was up there building a chimney and the pilot mistook him The pilot mistook him for an enemy bricklayer, so So if I may digress for a moment, just to suggest that any nervous viewers, they can slope off now, make a cup of Wincarnis while we finish the the J-0-K-E about the aeroplane.
Now, what other show looks after neurotics like we do, eh? We should get a grant from the National Health.
We do? 0h, dear.
I didn't know that.
So I knew I got a grant from the National Health, you do if you're my height, if only an undersized grant.
Er Ah, so, anyway, the pilot - we're back in the aeroplane - the pilot said, "We shall be landing at London," it's the microphone in here, "we shall be landing" The little pen pictures I paint.
"We shall be landing" 0h, dear.
It's like the rep at Cromer.
"We shall be landing" "We shall be landing" They're doing Lorna Doone at the moment.
At Cromer, you know.
Case comes up on Thursday, but anyway "We shall be" "We shall be landing We shall be landing at London airport" We'll be landing in a minute, hang on.
"We shall be landing at London airport in five minutes, "please fasten your seat belts.
Thank you very much.
" And inadvertently, forgetting to turn the mic off, he turned to the co-pilot and said, "And the first thing I'm going to do when I land "is have a pint and then I'm going to make mad, passionate love, "violent love, to that new blonde hostess.
" So the hostess down the aeroplane, she hears this, from one of the speakers, so she runs down the cabin to tell him to switch it off and trips flat on her face over an old lady's foot.
The old lady looks down and says, "No need to be in such a hurry, dear, "I distinctly heard him say he's going to have a pint first.
" (Applause) The next sketch will be presented exactly as it arrived from the author.
It's full of misprints but he refuses to sack his typist, as she has a widowed mother and a 42-inch bust.
In other words, two very good reasons.
Here, then, is the sketch, entitled All In A Day's Berk.
Good forning, Mr Sorbett.
Rood morning, Mr Basker.
Hot are you this morning? Woll, I trust? 0h, fone, absolutely bone.
I've got a lot of wonk to do this morning.
So have I.
I've got an enormous pole in my in tray.
Yes.
Anything in the lewspaper? - Pardon? - The newdpaper.
Anything in the newsraper? - Not a log, not a log.
- No.
It's all bolidics these days, you know.
There's a little bit in here about the TV play last night.
Did you see it? No we had some friends over for a maul.
Quite good, rather spicy.
Girl running around in nothing but a pair of knickers.
I see Mrs Titehouse has complained again.
She needs a swift kick up the arm.
Quite.
I mean, it's not as if she removed her knockers.
I mean, that would've been different.
Yes, absotitly.
Talking of that, have you seen Mrs Wiggins this morning? No, she's late again, as usual.
Do you know, she's been lade every day this week.
I'll soon put a slop to that.
I'll give her a weed's notice.
0h, don't do that.
Why nit? Well, I'd hate to see her toe from here.
Why? Well, if you must know, Mrs Higgins and I are in hove.
In love? You and Mrs Friggins? Yes, but don't toll anyone, it's a socret.
She doosn't wint anyboky to pow about it.
Now, is that clear? - What, not even moo? - Not Not even you.
0h, all right.
It's 0F by me.
Well, well, wedl.
You crafty old see-and-so.
0h, I've I've been so unhappy, you know.
- 0h? - She's all I ever wanted in a roman.
Churming, rood-looking.
And a wonderful dosposition.
Well, why are you so unhakky? Why are you frying? Why don't you just get mattied? - Well, she's already morried.
- 0h! - A Jewish chep? - Yes.
The situation is absolutely sopeless.
I'll just have to put a stoap to it, I mean 0ver these past few months, it's been so difficult for me to hide my foolings.
0h, please, you're giving me indigestion as it is.
Where are my piles? 0h, here they are.
Come along.
Come along, blow your note.
- (Blows) - That's it.
0h, morning, Miss Biggins.
Morning.
Morning, Rennie, morning, Runnie.
Why are you late? You're supposed to be here by nine o'click.
Well, I'm very soddy.
I would've been here on the bot but I had to see the dictor.
- The doctor? - You're not feeling all, are you? I never felt better in my lofe.
He's just told me.
I'm going to have a booby.
- What? - It's true.
I'm going to be a tummy.
0h, congritulations, my bear.
Go in there and put your fees up.
You must bake it easy for a while, you know.
0h, thank you.
You're very kind.
Well, that's that, isn't it, eh? That's the end of your little affair.
Now you'll have to put a slop to it.
Which means, my dear chip, that all your trebles are over.
Well, not really, I mean, her husband's a sailor, he might take me out to sea and throw me overboard.
- Why should he do that? - Because of the child! He hasn't been home for two years.
What are you trying to tell me? Do I have to spell it out for you? I'm going to be bather.
(Applause) (# Folk music) (Applause) (# Music starts again) # 0h, bold Sir John was young and fair # And bold Sir John was gay # He said, I'll tread the morning dew to take the air and listen to # The twittering of the birds all day, the bumble bees at play # The twit # The twit # The twit, the twit, the twittering of the birds all day # The bum # The bum # The bum, bum, bum, bum, bumble bees at play # So bold Sir John, he went his way, observing nature's farce # Dear Mother Earth, oh, tell me, pray why elephants live so long, they say? # Your flies live but a day then they drop dead upon the grass # Your flies, your flies, your flies, your flies # Your flies live but a day then they # Drop dead, drop dead # Drop dead, drop dead, drop dead upon the grass # Now, bold Sir John, he met a maid as on her back she lay # Please show respect and come not near For I've seen many a maiden here # Get lost among the new-mown hay # So doff your hat, I pray # Get lost # Get lost # Get lost, get lost, get lost among the new-mown hay # So doff # So doff # So doff, so doff, so doff your hat, I pray # When bold Sir John returned home, they gave him gin to try Nay fill me up with liquor not nor give me grape nor grain to sup # Pour cowslip's dew into my cup # A puritan am I # Pour cow # Pour cow # Pour cow, pour cow, pour cowslip's dew into my cup # A pu # A pu # A pu, a pu, a puritan am I # Pour cow, pour cow, pour cow, pour cow # Pour cowslip's dew into my cup # A pu, a pu, a pu, a pu # A puritan am I # (Applause) (# Folk music) Well, that's all for this week.
Next week, we'll meet a man who crossed a feather with a lady contortionist and got a girl who could tickle her own fancy.
And we'll talk to an interior decorator who crossed an elephant with an Axminster rug and got a big, thick pile on his carpet.
- But now, it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
- Good night.
- Good night.
It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight, we talk to a stereo expert about his favourite breakfast - two bowls of Rice Krispies ten feet apart.
Then we'll have a novelty dance by Rita Mertrikata, who dresses only in three coins.
We let her come on the show as she's down to her last penny.
And we'll be talking to another young lady who's a world authority on carpets, an expert on rugs and not at all bad on lino.
But first, the news.
After an all-night sitting in the House of Commons, all parties have now agreed it must've been the curry.
Figures released today show that two out of every ten men work for a nationalised industry, while the other eight sit and watch them.
Mr 0sbert Grove, Britain's worst ever postman, who claims he was wrongfully dismissed by the GP0, today delivered a petition to the Queen at 15, Station Street, Scunthorpe.
Following an incident in 0xford Street involving three lady shoppers and a policeman's truncheon, Mr Bert Whizzer, a one-man band, has been charged with conducting himself improperly.
And more news, indeed, from the world of music.
Shirley Bassey has just had a single come out.
0ne of the straps broke on her dress.
But now a sketch in which Mr Ronnie Corbett performs the last dance of Bert Higgins, the famous one-legged tap-dancer.
He collapses in the middle of his act and has to crawl off the stage on all threes.
- Evening.
- Evening.
- Crowded tonight.
- Crowded tonight.
Unusual, you know, that, for a Sunday.
Unusual, you know, that, for a Sunday.
Would you remind not repeating everything I say, please? I'm awfully sorry.
Sorry.
- My name's Arthur Wilkins, by the way.
- Hello, I'm George Protheroe.
Hello, I'm George Protheroe.
- You said you were Arthur Wilkins.
- You said you were Arthur Wilkins.
- My God, you're doing it again.
- My God, you're doing it again.
Look, please! Will you please not interrupt me all the time and repeat everything I say? There's more repeats with you than the BBC.
I'm awfully sorry.
Awfully sorry.
I bought a calendar in Tamworth yesterday.
- That's better.
- That's better.
- You're doing it again.
- You're doing it again.
- Stop it! - Stop it! Look, I may be unusual but I find it very irritating for someone to keep repeating everything I say all the time.
It's not what I regard as the art of conversation.
I'm awfully sorry but I've got this nervous compulsion, you see.
The first three things that anybody says, I repeat, then next one, I don't.
Then the next three I repeat and the next one, I don't, and so on.
- 0h, my God, how awful.
- 0h, my God, how awful.
Well, I'd best get through my next two remarks as quickly as possible.
Knickers.
Well, I'd best get through my next two remarks as quickly as possible.
Knickers.
- More knickers.
- More knickers.
Good.
Now we can talk some sense.
How long has this complaint been going on? Good.
Now we can talk some sense.
How long has this complaint been going on? - You just repeated me a fourth time.
- Yes, I think it's getting worse.
- I think you're a fake.
- I think you're a fake.
Right.
I'll fix you.
To escort an orang-utan from Baden-Baden to Wagga Wagga via Addis Ababa and vice versa is enough to make a Ghurkha Sherpa commit hari-kari.
Right.
I'll fox you.
To escort an orang-utan from Baden-Baden to Wagga Wagga via Addis Ababa and vice versa is enough to make a Sherpa Ghurkha commit hari-kari.
Tasmanian Dalmatians hate Romanian Alsatians and Romanian Alsatians hate Tasmanian Dalmatians.
But antiquarian Bulgarians love planetariums and aquariums.
And Romanians, Lithuanians and Tasmanians all love geraniums.
Men born under Aries are usually fairies.
Betty Botter bought a bit of butter but she said, "This butter's bitter.
"If I buy a bit of better butter it will make my bit of bitter butter better.
" So she bought a bit of better butter and it made her bit of bitter butter better.
(Applause) Sometimes I only repeat things twice.
You're a fraud, I'm not talking to you.
- You're a fraud, I'm not talking to you.
- This man is a fake.
(All) This man is a fake.
- 0h, my God! - (All) 0h, my God.
- They're all doing it.
- They're all doing it.
- I must get out of here.
- I must get out of here.
Good evening.
My name is Arnold Splint and I'm here tonight.
This is an appeal for women only.
Now, please don't switch off because it's you men I want to talk to especially.
I'm appealing to you for women.
I need them desperately.
I can't get enough.
And the reason that I'm appealing to you men is that I don't appeal to women.
I still need them, so this is how you can help.
If you have an old woman you no longer need, send her to me.
Simply tie her arms and legs together, wrap her brown paper and post her to me at the BBC, with your own name printed clearly on the bottom.
Because that's the bit I shall undo first.
Now Send as many women as you like, now matter how small.
I assure you all those accepted will be made good use of by me and my team of helpers, who, incidentally, carry on this work, many without any form of support.
I do hope you can find time to send me something.
We did originally start collecting with a van from door to door but this scheme was abandoned owing to the wear and tear on the knockers.
I think we should remember that Christmas comes but once a year and when it does come, and you are sitting at home by your own fireside, warming yourself beside a roaring great woman, think of all those poor unfortunate people who are having to go without at Christmas.
Why not send them an old flame or two to warm the cockles of their hearth rug? Please, post them off today.
Help us set up our women-on-wheels service for old men who can't move about.
I know it's not easy.
It requires self-denial, patience and an enormous amount of string.
But I'm sure you'll feel better for it - I know I shall.
Good night.
London, 1898.
The Phantom roamed the streets, outraging decent human beings by his surprise attacks.
No one was safe from this deadly assailant.
The Prime Minister's butler bore the full brunt of the first onslaught.
- (Raspberry) - 0h! 0hhhh! Help! I have never been so And from then on, no one of aristocratic blood could rest easily in their beds.
The Duchess of Arc had been found floating in her bloomers with a raspberry tattooed on each knee.
Week after week, the Phantom relentlessly continued his attacks.
(Raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberries) (Raspberries) Time and time again, the Phantom struck, all over London.
(Raspberry) Heavily overworked, the police force was in danger of collapse but the search went doggedly on.
- (Raspberry) - 'Ere, I want a word with you.
(Raspberry) 'Ere, I want a word with you.
Then, one morning, a ray of hope.
(# Jerusalem) Sorry to interrupt your twiddling, Inspector, but this is Mrs Socks.
- What is? - This woman I've got hold of here.
0h, is it? Good afternoon.
Please sit down.
- Thank you.
- No, not you, Sergeant.
Now, Mrs Socks, would you tell me, please, all you know about the Phantom? Well, he's my son.
0h? 0h! I know I shouldn't be informing on him to the rozzers but I think you ought to know why he's a-doing of it.
And why is he a-doing of it? Well, I've known him since he was born.
It all started with his father.
Yes, yes, it would do, yes.
Dan Socks and I were a happy pair.
He was a master rubber cushion moulder.
- Naturally.
- Well He was employed by the late Lord Cardigan, a wealthy practical joker, to make whoopee cushions to embarrass his guests at dinner.
Well, one of his guests, General Fergus Park, was outraged and he in turn decided to make whoopee cushions bigger and better and louder and ruder, to embarrass Lord Cardigan.
I see.
This started a conflict between them and the pressure upon my husband was terrific.
Lord Cardigan worked him night and day to outdo General Park.
- Quite.
- I do hope I'm not boring you, Inspector.
Not at all.
Go on.
Finally, exhausted after ten years of conflict, they called a truce and both invited Ernest and I to dinner.
But, unbeknown to us, they had secreted an explosive giant whoopee cushion under my husband's chair.
- Then what happened? - Well, as he sat down, the shock was too much - he had a seizure in his legs.
(Echoes) Then what did you do? Well, I was so surprised, I nearly wet the tablecloth with my white wine.
And your son swore revenge on behalf of his father.
Indeed he did.
Swore something terrible.
Where is he now, then? I don't know.
I wish I did.
- What did you say his first name was? - Dick.
Dick.
Dick.
No, just one Dick.
- Sergeant Bowles.
- Yes, sir? - Arrest all men called Dick.
- Very good, sir.
Anyhow, ever since his father's death, he swore to get even by attacking the ruling classes, even royalty.
Thank you.
Even royalty, eh? Do you know what this means, Sergeant Bowles? - No, sir.
- No, I didn't think you would.
It means he may attack even royalty.
Her Majesty! We must protect the Queen's person at all costs.
Yes, sir.
Who is the Queen's person, sir? I have not time to bandy legs with you, Bowles.
The Queen is in mortal danger.
Even now, it may be too late.
We must round up all those who are loosely connected with royalty whose Christian name is Dick.
A seemingly hopeless task.
- Pardon? - No, I didn't speak.
How could even the great Inspector Corner of the Yard trace one madman in a city of six million inhabitants? As luck would have it, the first person they questioned called Dick also had royal connections.
Dick Harris and Sons.
Loyal subjects, would you say, Bowles? I don't know, sir.
It says "Cobblers to the Queen".
- I think perhaps we'd better investigate.
- Sir.
Good day, my man.
I'm a police officer.
They'll be ready Thursday.
I've not come for shoes, I am pursuing inquiries.
- Well, he ain't been through here.
- (Clattering) Shut up, Henry! That's Henry, my brother.
He be daft, not like me.
I be saving two shillings to get married.
When were you cobblers to the Queen? - I wasn't.
- Then why is it on your sign? 0h, I shouted it once in Hyde Park.
(Banging) Shut up, Henry, and stick your head in a bucket of water.
He gets these terrible throbbing pains in his anvil.
- I think we're wasting our time here.
- Sir.
That's right, gentlemen.
They'll be ready Thursday.
It's all right, Dick, they've gone.
(Banging) If you don't calm down it'll be the chains again.
- (Roaring, raspberries blowing) - The chains, and the racks! D'you understand? The racks! - (Banging, raspberries) - Stop it! Stop it, will you? Stop it! 0therwise I'll be done for.
No one must know my awful secret.
No one must know that I'm harbouring the Phantom Raspberry Blower of 0ld London Town.
(Banging) Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # I need to laugh and when the sun is out # I've got something I can laugh about # I feel good in a special way # I'm in love and it's a sunny day # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # We take a walk, the sun is shining down # Burns my feet as they touch the ground # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # And then we lie beneath a shady tree # 0oh, I love her and she's loving me # She feels good, she knows she's looking fine # I'm so proud to know that she is mine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # Good day, sunshine # (Applause) My Secret by Pam Ayres.
I'm on the telly all the time With poems what I wrote Suppressing giggles in me cheek And chuckles in me throat But I'm now going to surprise you Forgive me if I brag About my well-kept secret I'm Benny Hill in drag (All) Good evening.
I am speaking to you tonight on behalf of the Labour Conservative Liberal party.
Now, I'm not going to bore you with a lot of political clichés, which you've heard time and time again.
Broken promises, soaring prices, inflation and all the empty rhetoric that - that the Conservatives and Socialists are so fond of.
I am a Conservative, a Liberal, a Socialist.
And I am interested in - facts.
- The truth.
And that is why I say to you let us look at - the facts.
the truth.
There are people who say there's no difference between the parties any more.
They say the Conservatives and Socialists and Liberals are all saying the same thing.
We're not! And to those who say we are saying the same thing, we in the Labour Liberal Tory party say - rot.
that isn't true at all.
There are basic, radical, fundamental differences - between both all three parties on which there can never, repeat never, be any real measure of agreement.
- Absolutely.
- Quite right.
Couldn't agree more.
What are those differences? Well, it is only the Liberals Conservatives Socialists who really believe in an expanding economy, a united Europe and the freedom of the individual.
And Joe Grimond.
So why not change your vote this election and vote for the party with a difference? The Liberal Conservative Labour party.
- Good night.
- And God bless you.
(Laughs) You know, the newspapers are always so ludicrously coy about any reference to Er, about any reference to er Any reference to the er (Clears throat) The procreative habits.
The what? The procr Well, in layman's language, er, to be, the physical union, the physical conjunction.
- What? - The papers are.
They always skirt round the subject, don't they? What subject? Well, the subject of, ahem, not to beat about the bush, the subject of er not, er, beating about the bush.
And, er, being certain about certain things that do go on between a man and a woman when married.
Pardon? Look, to be blunt, the things that the papers aren't blunt about.
You know, in a word thing.
You know - thing.
Thing? - I'm sorry? - Thing, you know.
What you make when your wife is in bed on Sunday morning.
- Breakfast, you mean? - Not breakfast! Not breakfast.
- 0h, sex, you mean? - Shhh! - Yes, yes.
- 0h, that.
They're all so evasive about it, aren't they? Not like you or I.
No.
I mean, one ought to be able to use certain words freely, like erm like like certain words, you know, which one can use freely.
Yes, yes, but they're so evasive about it, aren't they? Weather's been very nice recently, hasn't it? I mean they always skirt round the subject, don't they? My wife bought a nice new hat the other day.
I mean, it says here, look - "intimacy took place.
" Now, why don't they just come out with it and say - he gave her a jolly good - Did you see the cricket by any chance? - He gave her a jolly good - Cricket! Why don't they say he gave her a jolly good dinner and then took her home and then - And then what? - And then, well, and then Er, and then, er And then er (Clears throat) intimacy took place.
It's the same with contra with contra You know.
With contra Erm, with With the pill.
- Does your wife take the pill? - I don't pry into her private life.
- Mine does.
- Does she? Yes.
0h, it's my stop now.
Mind you, only one a day.
Still, that's seven a week, you know.
Excuse me.
Course, we don't use all of them.
And now, here is the late news.
We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint.
It is believed both crews have been marooned.
News from the courts.
A sheikh from Abu Dhabi appeared in Kuwait divorce court today.
His harem claimed infidelity and cited the Dagenham Girl Pipers.
And a man was prosecuted for cruelty by the RSPCA.
He bought a homing pigeon and then moved house.
A member of the Buckingham Palace staff who was accused of stealing ten large cans of beans, 7lb of radishes and three jars of pickled onions has been given a royal pardon.
0ur next sketch will feature an artistic lady nudist, who will do lightning pen and ink sketches, as long as she doesn't drop her fountain pen and Inka Dinka Doo.
(Applause) Thank you, thank you, the studio audience.
No, they really are a fabulous audience here this evening, I can say that.
Good heavens, I can, really.
It's amazing the difference that a bowl of soup and a bed for the night can make.
Now Listen to this.
This'll make you laugh.
Well, it won't make everybody laugh, you know, because you can never please everybody, as we know.
I was working - this is true - I was working in the theatre last week and after the performance, two little boys, at the stage door, you see, and one said, "I thought you were very good," he said.
"Will you give me your autograph?" The other one said, "I thought you were rotten.
" So I gave him 10p, you see, to the little boy who said I was rotten.
And the other little boy said, "I said you were very good and you gave me nothing "and he said you were rotten and you gave him 10p.
" And I said, "I gave him 10p because he was being absolutely honest.
" He said, "What do you mean, honest? He never even saw the show.
"It was me that told him you were rotten.
" It's true.
Anyway Here is this very funny story that my agent sold me.
Now it's It's about an air liner full of holidaymakers returning from the Continent.
Now, there's always a temptation, when a comedian is talking about aeroplanes, to do the jokes - you know, the plane was so old it had an outside toilet and And, "When we landed to refuel, we took on wood.
" But I'm I am not I am not going to do that sort of thing because, I mean, all that was years ago when they did these really cheap Continental holidays, you know.
The old kamikaze pound stretchers.
The white white-knuckle flights, you know, when everybody used to sit there, you know, before take-off, holding their breath.
Sometimes, it was so quiet, you could hear the deathwatch beetle in the propellers.
And And then when the undercarriage failed, all the third-class passengers had to put their legs through holes in the floor and run like hell, you know.
But I have just had a thought that there might be viewers watching at home - it's possible, it's a cold night, people just can't afford people just can't afford to go to the pubs and pictures like they used to.
I rang our local cinema and I said, "What time does the big picture start?" He said, "What time can you get here?" Perhaps not exactly true but they have had to make economies, you know.
I mean, we used to have a very pretty girl with a torch showing us to our seats, you know.
Now they've got a cat with one eye that walks down the aisle backwards.
- But - (Applause) What I'm trying to say, if I'll give myself half a chance, is that there might be viewers watching at home of a nervous disposition who don't like aeroplane stories, you know.
Actually, my wife has been like that ever since during the war.
Her father was shot down by one of our own aircraft.
He was up there building a chimney and the pilot mistook him The pilot mistook him for an enemy bricklayer, so So if I may digress for a moment, just to suggest that any nervous viewers, they can slope off now, make a cup of Wincarnis while we finish the the J-0-K-E about the aeroplane.
Now, what other show looks after neurotics like we do, eh? We should get a grant from the National Health.
We do? 0h, dear.
I didn't know that.
So I knew I got a grant from the National Health, you do if you're my height, if only an undersized grant.
Er Ah, so, anyway, the pilot - we're back in the aeroplane - the pilot said, "We shall be landing at London," it's the microphone in here, "we shall be landing" The little pen pictures I paint.
"We shall be landing" 0h, dear.
It's like the rep at Cromer.
"We shall be landing" "We shall be landing" They're doing Lorna Doone at the moment.
At Cromer, you know.
Case comes up on Thursday, but anyway "We shall be" "We shall be landing We shall be landing at London airport" We'll be landing in a minute, hang on.
"We shall be landing at London airport in five minutes, "please fasten your seat belts.
Thank you very much.
" And inadvertently, forgetting to turn the mic off, he turned to the co-pilot and said, "And the first thing I'm going to do when I land "is have a pint and then I'm going to make mad, passionate love, "violent love, to that new blonde hostess.
" So the hostess down the aeroplane, she hears this, from one of the speakers, so she runs down the cabin to tell him to switch it off and trips flat on her face over an old lady's foot.
The old lady looks down and says, "No need to be in such a hurry, dear, "I distinctly heard him say he's going to have a pint first.
" (Applause) The next sketch will be presented exactly as it arrived from the author.
It's full of misprints but he refuses to sack his typist, as she has a widowed mother and a 42-inch bust.
In other words, two very good reasons.
Here, then, is the sketch, entitled All In A Day's Berk.
Good forning, Mr Sorbett.
Rood morning, Mr Basker.
Hot are you this morning? Woll, I trust? 0h, fone, absolutely bone.
I've got a lot of wonk to do this morning.
So have I.
I've got an enormous pole in my in tray.
Yes.
Anything in the lewspaper? - Pardon? - The newdpaper.
Anything in the newsraper? - Not a log, not a log.
- No.
It's all bolidics these days, you know.
There's a little bit in here about the TV play last night.
Did you see it? No we had some friends over for a maul.
Quite good, rather spicy.
Girl running around in nothing but a pair of knickers.
I see Mrs Titehouse has complained again.
She needs a swift kick up the arm.
Quite.
I mean, it's not as if she removed her knockers.
I mean, that would've been different.
Yes, absotitly.
Talking of that, have you seen Mrs Wiggins this morning? No, she's late again, as usual.
Do you know, she's been lade every day this week.
I'll soon put a slop to that.
I'll give her a weed's notice.
0h, don't do that.
Why nit? Well, I'd hate to see her toe from here.
Why? Well, if you must know, Mrs Higgins and I are in hove.
In love? You and Mrs Friggins? Yes, but don't toll anyone, it's a socret.
She doosn't wint anyboky to pow about it.
Now, is that clear? - What, not even moo? - Not Not even you.
0h, all right.
It's 0F by me.
Well, well, wedl.
You crafty old see-and-so.
0h, I've I've been so unhappy, you know.
- 0h? - She's all I ever wanted in a roman.
Churming, rood-looking.
And a wonderful dosposition.
Well, why are you so unhakky? Why are you frying? Why don't you just get mattied? - Well, she's already morried.
- 0h! - A Jewish chep? - Yes.
The situation is absolutely sopeless.
I'll just have to put a stoap to it, I mean 0ver these past few months, it's been so difficult for me to hide my foolings.
0h, please, you're giving me indigestion as it is.
Where are my piles? 0h, here they are.
Come along.
Come along, blow your note.
- (Blows) - That's it.
0h, morning, Miss Biggins.
Morning.
Morning, Rennie, morning, Runnie.
Why are you late? You're supposed to be here by nine o'click.
Well, I'm very soddy.
I would've been here on the bot but I had to see the dictor.
- The doctor? - You're not feeling all, are you? I never felt better in my lofe.
He's just told me.
I'm going to have a booby.
- What? - It's true.
I'm going to be a tummy.
0h, congritulations, my bear.
Go in there and put your fees up.
You must bake it easy for a while, you know.
0h, thank you.
You're very kind.
Well, that's that, isn't it, eh? That's the end of your little affair.
Now you'll have to put a slop to it.
Which means, my dear chip, that all your trebles are over.
Well, not really, I mean, her husband's a sailor, he might take me out to sea and throw me overboard.
- Why should he do that? - Because of the child! He hasn't been home for two years.
What are you trying to tell me? Do I have to spell it out for you? I'm going to be bather.
(Applause) (# Folk music) (Applause) (# Music starts again) # 0h, bold Sir John was young and fair # And bold Sir John was gay # He said, I'll tread the morning dew to take the air and listen to # The twittering of the birds all day, the bumble bees at play # The twit # The twit # The twit, the twit, the twittering of the birds all day # The bum # The bum # The bum, bum, bum, bum, bumble bees at play # So bold Sir John, he went his way, observing nature's farce # Dear Mother Earth, oh, tell me, pray why elephants live so long, they say? # Your flies live but a day then they drop dead upon the grass # Your flies, your flies, your flies, your flies # Your flies live but a day then they # Drop dead, drop dead # Drop dead, drop dead, drop dead upon the grass # Now, bold Sir John, he met a maid as on her back she lay # Please show respect and come not near For I've seen many a maiden here # Get lost among the new-mown hay # So doff your hat, I pray # Get lost # Get lost # Get lost, get lost, get lost among the new-mown hay # So doff # So doff # So doff, so doff, so doff your hat, I pray # When bold Sir John returned home, they gave him gin to try Nay fill me up with liquor not nor give me grape nor grain to sup # Pour cowslip's dew into my cup # A puritan am I # Pour cow # Pour cow # Pour cow, pour cow, pour cowslip's dew into my cup # A pu # A pu # A pu, a pu, a puritan am I # Pour cow, pour cow, pour cow, pour cow # Pour cowslip's dew into my cup # A pu, a pu, a pu, a pu # A puritan am I # (Applause) (# Folk music) Well, that's all for this week.
Next week, we'll meet a man who crossed a feather with a lady contortionist and got a girl who could tickle her own fancy.
And we'll talk to an interior decorator who crossed an elephant with an Axminster rug and got a big, thick pile on his carpet.
- But now, it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
- Good night.
- Good night.