The Upshaws (2021) s05e04 Episode Script

1
[funky instrumental music playing]
Come on, Tristan.
I said let's go.
I'm sorry, Aaliyah.
I I'll text you.
Sorry to bother y'all.
Have a good evening.
What just happened?
I know what happened. I was right.
That boy's so shady,
his daddy had to come snatch him up.
He can come
snatch me up with his fine ass.
Is there a Mrs. Tristan's Dad?
Lucretia, not now.
Well, when? 'Cause he can get it.
What, rabies?
I do like to bite sometimes.
Can you all stop?
Dad, you need to fix this.
- This is your fault.
- What did I do?
Tore apart his car
and treated him like a criminal.
I will never forgive you for what you did.
Oh
What? What'd I do?
What you gonna do?
About what?
Bennie, come on. You know damn well
that kid is not the problem.
- [sighs]
- [Lucretia] Look.
Why don't Tristan's dad and I
get dinner and just sort this out?
Lucretia, he's married.
Yeah, but is he happy?
Look, Regina, I'm not apologizing
about something a father's supposed to do.
I'm not asking you to.
But you do need to go to that man
and straighten this out.
Seems like a lot of talking.
Can't they just sneak around?
Oh, you mean like we did?
Yeah, remember how that turned out?
Hey, guys.
Can I use your machine?
The one in Hector's building is broken,
and I am not their super.
Sure, baby.
Oh, and, um,
Aaliyah and Tristan might be over.
What did you do?
Had a daughter.
You'll see.
[vocalizing]
Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
Solid, solid, solid, solid ♪
Bennie, you can't
put your Rib Shack receipt
with the business expenses.
I've had enough IRS in my life.
What if I got you
a number seven with a biscuit?
Now it's a business lunch.
I don't know
how we gonna write Davis off though.
Hey, I blackxi-cabbed it over.
You should be tipping Davis.
Okay, I got Tristan's stereo
back in his car.
And I finally figured out
where those last four screws go.
Now I know why the door fell off
doing the test drive.
- Good thing I know how to tuck and roll.
- Mm.
[Sofia groans wearily]
Wait a minute.
Everybody gets to eat but us?
[chuckles in disbelief]
- [in Spanish] Let me ask you a question.
- [Tony] Hmm?
How do you put up with this shit?
I steal a little bit of oil every day.
Yeah!
[both in English] Okay. [chuckling]
If any of that involves forming a union,
no you puede.
I'm gonna get lunch.
[in Spanish] You want something?
[in English] A more considerate boss.
[both laughing]
Ah shit, I said that in English.
[cell phone ringing]
[Tony] Oh. It's my girl.
Hey, baby.
Uh-huh.
Okay. Uh-huh.
Got it.
Yeah. Okay. Bye.
Bye, b Oh.
Okay, it looks like, uh, I'm gonna need
the last week of November off
'cause, apparently, I'm
getting married.
Fine by me.
Sofia can cover for you.
The time off counts as my gift.
Can I go in on that with you?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Y'all ain't gonna clown me?
For what?
We all know your girl runs you.
And after a while,
it just gets sad.
Yeah, my soul had to learn
to look away. I couldn't
Damn, I didn't know y'all pitied me.
I just thought y'all made jokes,
the way you roast Davis
for living with his mom
or Lucretia for being stingy.
I do live with my mom.
And Lucretia is stingy.
And mean.
And Bennie has more weed in him
than a lawnmower catch bag.
[snickering]
See? She's right. Mean. She is mean.
Tony, look,
if your girl makes you happy, great.
If she doesn't, which she clearly doesn't,
then do something about it.
Well, I tried breaking up with her,
but she told me I'm not that kind of guy.
I'll see you at the wedding.
And no destination.
At least nowhere blackxi-cab can't go.
And there better be a full bar.
None of this signature cocktail bullshit.
Ain't nothing good in a batch.
You done with your sauce?
No.
No, no, no, no. Enough is enough.
I got some stuff to clear up with Renee.
Who the hell is Renee?
I guess his girl.
Hey, Bennie?
I'm here to pick up my son's car.
Why didn't you tell me
Tristan's dad was coming?
I'd have fixed my face.
What you gonna do with the rest of you?
Hey, come on, man. Check it out.
While I check you out.
Wow!
Is that the same car?
Man, that looks great.
Like I said,
I felt bad about how things went down.
You know, Aaliyah's my first daughter,
and it wasn't about Tristan.
He's a good kid.
Hey, man, I appreciate that.
And honestly, I'mma be the same way
when my little girl starts dating.
Only, I own a sporting goods store,
so I'mma just come at the kid
with a croquet mallet.
[chuckles] Respect.
Just don't pop up at that house
the way you popped up at mine.
You almost caught one.
[chuckles] That's funny.
It is.
But it isn't.
Okay. I I see you.
But, hey, man, seriously,
I appreciate all your work.
So we good here?
- Yeah.
- The kids can keep kicking it.
No.
I mean, I'm cool. But my wife?
Oh, no, she'll never get on board.
What did I do to her?
Nothing.
Oh, okay. If I ain't the problem,
and you ain't the problem,
who's the problem?
You're the problem!
[instrumental music playing]
How can this woman have a problem with me?
I don't even know the heifer.
You must've misunderstood.
"My wife hates your wife."
Wasn't but five words in the sentence.
- Bennie?
- What's up, James?
Hey, Ange?
The Upshaws came anyway.
Damn right we did
'cause I'd like to clear all this up.
Might as well come in. You're here.
Thank you.
[Ange] James Killebrew,
do not let that woman in my house.
I told you, you was the problem.
Look, Miss Killebrew,
you don't know me, and I don't know you.
I don't know why you
Angela Barber?
It's Angela Killebrew now.
Oh yeah, I'm definitely the problem.
[instrumental music playing]
What the hell?
"Kayak"? [clicks tongue]
Kiss my ass, Wordle.
White people puzzle.
Auntie, we say culturally biased.
I said what I said.
How many Black people you know got kayaks?
Keisha, Damon
- Shut up. Nobody asked you.
- [door opens]
You're back?
How'd it go? How'd it go?
- [door closes]
- Tristan's mom is Angela Barber.
Ooh!
Angela Barber?
Girl.
"Girl" what?
This means nothing to me.
That means you're single.
Oh damn, you really are the problem.
[tuts] I owe Maya five bucks.
What'd you do, Mom?
Nothing.
They were on debate team together.
She always hated your mom.
[scoffs] 'Cause she was jealous.
Makes sense.
She couldn't rebut worth shit.
That's not why she hated you.
She hated you
because you were a know-it-all.
Yeah, that last debate,
you made that girl run out crying
in the middle of the match.
How you gonna counterpoint
if you know nothing about water rights?
And there it is.
There what is?
Remember when Mama used to put slices
of pineapple upside-down cake
in our lunch?
Yes. It was delicious.
Was it?
'Cause I didn't get any.
I always had to give mine
to those big debate bitches
who wanted to jump you.
Always had to be
the smartest one in the room.
I didn't have to be.
I just happened to be.
Well, that's the end of me and Tristan.
Guess I'll go upstairs
and put on some SZA.
Even if Angela didn't like me
in high school,
it is ridiculously insane
that she's still holding on to that
after all these damn years.
Come on. [splutters]
Until I saw her again,
I forgot how dumb she was.
Did you see Aaliyah's face
when she left here?
Bottom lip stuck out
like the tiniest bookshelf.
[solemn music playing in distance]
Oh God.
SZA cannot be my weekend.
[sighs] All right.
I'm gonna take her to the movies tomorrow.
And and do a little shopping with her,
get her nails done.
That'll make her feel better.
Took a long vacation ♪
No makeup, just Jay-z ♪
You were balls deep ♪
You calling Angela, aren't you?
Of course I am.
I got a job.
I ain't got time for all that shit.
While you're on the phone,
see what Tristan's daddy is up to.
What? She hates you.
Why you rooting for her marriage?
[instrumental music playing]
[Bennie groans softly]
Now, why the hell
do you got me in a cooking class?
Because I asked Angela
about doing a nice dinner,
and she suggested we make it.
So if I gotta suffer through this,
so do you.
Regina, don't turn on me.
You know I'm the only one that like you.
Hey, Angela. Looking good, girl.
Regina.
- Hey. I see she got you out here too, huh?
- Huh. Yeah.
My wife drags me
to some bullshit class every week.
I swear, there's a special place in hell
for whoever invented the Learning Annex.
Man, I'm telling you. [chuckles]
Yeah, man.
Women just force you into everything.
Recitals, church,
having my youngest.
I ain't wanna do that shit.
Well, thank you so much for inviting us.
I've always wanted to learn
how to make handmade pasta.
I'm calling this, "A Night in Italy."
It's just flour and eggs, Regina.
Calm down.
Ooh-ee! She clowning.
We still doing this?
For Aaliyah. For Aaliyah. For Aaliyah.
- [notification chimes]
- Oh.
I gotta go, baby.
Tony just broke up with his girl.
Uh, go where?
Regina, if you had friends,
you would understand.
Sometimes you have to be there for them.
I'm going to the bar.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You going to the bar?
- [Bennie] Yeah.
- O
Our boy Tony is hurting at a bar?
Uh, babe, I I gotta go to the bar.
- You don't know nobody named Tony.
- You don't know everybody I know.
And besides, I'm gluten-free.
Just walking in here, I start swelling up.
- Love you. Bye.
- [Angela sighs]
Well, I guess they ditched us.
It's all right.
I know we'll have a great time.
Of course you do.
Looks like you two are flying solo.
Why don't you share this station up front?
I knew that was gonna happen.
Of course you did.
Awfully bold
in a room full of knives and rolling pins.
[instrumental music playing]
I can't believe
you really broke up with her, Tony.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie.
It feels a little weird,
but I feel good right now.
It was the right decision. It was time.
- Twenty years is long enough.
- [splutters, coughing]
Twenty years?!
Man, say that before I take a sip.
Free at last. Free at last.
- Tony's free at last.
- [Tony chuckles]
- Oh, Tristan's dad.
- Hey, man.
We meet again.
We do?
Lucretia, not now. We here for Tony.
Okay? Now, the best way
to get over a woman
is to get under another one.
Uh, as long as you remember
that you're married to a woman
named my sister.
I'm just a wingman.
We're here about getting Tony some girls.
Girls? Whoa. I'll just take one.
Hmm. She seems nice.
Okay. Well, go holler at her, player.
Go do your thing.
Okay. Okay.
[clears throat]
How?
I've never done this before.
My girl asked me out.
I still remember what she was wearing.
It was a
Man, will you focus?
This brother's trying to help you out.
Yeah.
Man, I am focused.
Who are you?
According to this text from my wife,
a man who'll be sleeping
on the sofa tonight.
I got a sofa.
You'd be amazed
how cozy Public Storage can be.
They got climate control now.
Don't look over there.
That's a chupacabra.
Hey, man.
Go over there and ask the girl,
"How you doing?"
And when she say, "I'm fine,"
say, "I didn't ask you how you look.
I asked you how you was doing."
- Okay.
- You like that?
I like that, man.
So I go over there and tell her,
"It looks like I'm doing fine."
- [Bennie] Hmm.
- Got it.
No. Hell no.
No. All right, new plan, all right?
I'll go over and hook them.
- Do my little jokes.
- Okay.
Show them the ring,
then pass them off to you.
That'll work. Man, that'll work!
Can I get your runoff too?
Oh. I I was just here to drink,
but, uh, I mean, I'll help if I can.
I'm a little out of practice,
but, you know
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Can I get you one first?
Well, how about we buy y'all some drinks?
Hey, man, they offered.
Let the women be empowered.
Okay. I got yours.
Oh yeah?
Well, make it a double for "feminisidom."
[giggling]
[Tony chuckling]
I'll be here.
Aaah.
You know this whole plan
revolves around trusting Bennie.
Yeah, you ain't getting no runoff.
[man clears throat]
Excuse me?
Uh, I saw you talking to
the tight-shirted brother.
Yeah. He really likes me,
but I'm keeping my options open.
Well, in that case, can I buy you a drink?
- Oh, damn. I'm getting runoff.
- [Tony chuckles]
I'll be here.
[instrumental music playing]
Now you're going to take your fork
and carefully fold the flour into the egg.
Ooh, this is my favorite part.
Oh! Oh, you really getting in there, huh?
Uh [chuckles]
I mean, it's like them eggs owe you money.
Gotta let the flour know what's up.
- Oh!
- Oh! [chuckles]
Hey.
You know Oh!
It's okay. We having fun.
Ha! We are having fun.
[Regina] Fun, yeah.
- Fun!
- [both laughing]
You know, I was nervous about tonight
'cause I figured you'd be all,
"Pasta was invented in Italy by Galileo."
You know how you do.
No, I would
I would never say that. [chuckles]
Mostly because
pasta was invented by, uh, the Chinese,
and then brought over to Italy
by Marco Polo.
Nobody wanna hear that. [chuckling]
Let me get in this flour, girl. [laughs]
Ooh! Oh. Uh-huh.
- That is fun. [laughs]
- See what I'm talking about?
That is fun!
Oh!
[funky dance music playing]
Hey, man, I've been over there
for about an hour.
Did I miss the runoff?
The what?
Oh, yeah.
Does a does anybody like him?
Sorry, man.
I did what I could. Not your night.
Man, what the hell?
Hey, man, you sound mad. Why you mad?
'Cause you a shitty friend.
I ended a 20-year relationship,
and you over there doing the Dougie.
Man, you crazy. That was the Reebok.
I don't care. I called my girl.
She'll be here in a minute.
You called your girl?
Why'd you call your girl?
'Cause I want a girlfriend again, Bennie.
Hey, man, you can't go back with her.
She made you miserable.
Now, I know I screwed up tonight,
but you deserve better.
[Lucretia] Ooh!
I'll tell y'all,
this Tristan's dad runoff is the shit.
I got a group of numbers.
You know this damn fool called his girl?
What the hell's wrong with you?
Save your breath.
I'm gonna get back with her. That's it.
No, you're not.
I'm not gonna let you
walk out of here with her.
I'm not gonna let you
throw your life away.
Matter of fact,
you gonna go over and holler at
Oh, damn!
Renee.
You shitting me. That's Renee?
Nope.
Is there a draft in here?
Why is her hair blowing?
It always does that. So what's the play?
You gonna beg her to take yo' ass back.
Is that a real person?
I should just chop my head off.
You could start there.
[Renee] Tony?
[excitedly] Hey, baby. I mean
What's up, girl? Huh.
- Can I get you a drink?
- [Renee] No, I have one.
[Bennie] Oh!
So are we breaking up or not?
That stings.
Oh, man.
Don't worry about her.
No, some rim salt got in my eye.
[Bennie] Yeah, man.
[Tony] Shit, I guess that's it.
Tony, don't sweat it.
Girls like that come along every day.
No, they don't.
But you'll be okay.
Hey, Lucretia?
You still got my number, girl?
I sure do.
Could you give it
to the woman who was just here?
You lucky I bought this one.
[instrumental music playing]
So how's your sister doing?
She always brought us the best cake.
She broke and living at my house. Mm!
Uh-oh, I'm drunk.
[chuckles] You talk
to anybody from the team still?
Like, um Jackie.
You still keep in touch with her?
Girl, I haven't spoken to Jackie
since prom.
What'd she do?
She stepped on my dress,
ruined all my pictures,
and I have to see it
every time I walk down the hall.
You keep prom pictures
hanging in your hallway. Okay.
What is up with this crank?
Why isn't the dough going through?
You know,
it might be all that extra flour.
But who knows?
Well, I like a drier pasta, so
You gonna love whatever this is.
Come on, keep cranking, girl.
Ugh! We got this.
You know what, Regina?
I used to think people couldn't change,
but you proved me wrong.
Hmm.
I thought I could,
but I did not know I could.
[Angela chuckles]
What about our kids?
They can keep seeing each other.
They are pretty cute together.
- Aren't they though?
- Yeah.
[both chuckle]
It's okay
as long as you talk to your daughter.
Yeah, happy to, friend.
What am I talking to her about?
Oh, come on, you know.
No, this time, I I actually don't know.
Well, she's an awful lot
like you used to be.
Say more.
You know. Knowing better.
Like Tristan was all set to go to SCAD,
and then she's got him
thinking about CalArts and Ringling.
Help me out. So you're mad
that my daughter pointed out some options?
No, I'm mad because she's making him
second-guess himself.
Like you used to do me.
Like I did to you?
[sighs]
You need to stop.
Tristan isn't second-guessing himself.
He got great information
and is smart enough to roll with it,
unlike you.
You can't even roll out pasta.
Adding flour.
That doesn't make it drier.
It makes it unusable.
And you know how I know that?
Because I know it all.
I cannot believe I came here
and dimmed my light for you.
If me being the shit
makes you feel some kind of way,
then you deal with your insecure bullshit.
Do better.
Or cry your ass
into this dry-ass pasta to moisten it up.
You don't deserve my friendship.
And your son
damn sure don't deserve my daughter.
I hate your insecure ass.
Bon appétit!
[instrumental music playing]
Maybe Tony's ex lost some kind of bet.
But for 20 years?
Oh, that's dumb.
Maybe she's face-blind.
Then how did she find him in a bar?
I don't know. I'm just trying
to make the world make sense again.
You think I'm a shitty friend?
You're shitty.
Nah.
You you showed up for Tony.
- [Bennie] Yeah.
- You had good intentions.
Thank you.
- I got it.
- [Bennie] What?
She's either missing something,
or she's got an extra something.
Boom! [laughs]
Hey. Where's Aaliyah? I got ice cream.
Oh, hell,
you went off on Angela, didn't you?
In my defense,
she's so dumb.
Aaliyah!
Hey.
So, um, we need to talk,
so I got you your favorite ice cream.
Okay.
Who else moving in?
I do not care for that tone.
No, sweetie. Um
I really tried to do a good thing.
[hesitates]
I had a falling-out with Tristan's mom.
I don't care about Tristan.
I dumped him this morning.
This morning?
Yeah. Thanks for the ice cream though.
Hold me back. Hold me back.
I Oh [groans]
I hate 15-year-old love.
She's too good for him.
I'mma ditch James
soon as I get my discount on that kayak.
Kayak. What?
Men suck.
They act all interested,
and then one goddess
climbs down from the mountain,
and suddenly, you're furniture.
- [knocking on door]
- I'm done with men.
On behalf of all the men,
you will not be missed.
[Regina laughs]
Frank?
What what are you doing here?
I'm still in love with you.
And I wanna try again.
[door closes]
Okay.
[instrumental interlude]
[theme music playing]
[music fades out]