Workaholics s05e04 Episode Script

"I trust you with my life"? - "My life"? - "Life.
" Oh.
We all said it at the same time.
It's 'cause it resonated so hard.
This is, like, one of the best songs ever written.
Like, better than anything that Waka Flocka Flame's ever written.
And that is saying a lot.
He is quite a penman.
Wow, we're like freakin' Taylor Swifts in this bitch.
We should lay down the vocals while it's still fresh, right? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
- This is gonna be so cool.
Like, at our next party, when a hot chick hears this song, and she's like, "Who sings this song?" And I'm like, "Me.
" And then she's all And then I frickin' leave her there to question her entire life.
Except that it's us, right? Using the gear that I bought with my gift certificate from my cousin Torbjorn.
My gift is my voice, so this is for you.
When you need me I'll be there 'Cause we're best friends When you see me, there's no fear 'Cause we're Best friends And when you call me I'm gonna pick up We're best friends! Whoo! All right.
Yeah.
I got goose bumps.
That was pretty good.
Ha-fruit-ken! Ooh, that was a good toss.
- Whoa! - Whoo! - Nice.
- Oh, man, that's cool.
What else is cool is the fact that if I want to, like, rerecord a track or, like, add some kind of special effect, you can do it on your phone via Bluetooth.
What the Okay.
What is this? Sound like Duran Duran hit the skins with Michael Bivins and birthed a jam.
Who is this? I don't like you and how you speak.
It's us, believe it or not.
It's our new band, Menergy.
Cool sound, huh? Pretty original? - What? - Yeah.
This is taking me back to high school right now.
Right, Bill? Buckle up, fellas, because the best part is about to come.
My part.
Listen to this verse.
I've got some great lyrics.
Like I trust you I'm supposed to be right here, I think.
Is this the bridge, or is this my part? No, I actually think this might be, um Where you at? All right, listen up, everybody.
- I have some good news.
- What, did you mute it? 'Cause Jillian was so frugal with all of our office supplies, we have a little-- well, actually, a pretty big budget surplus.
Erasable pens save on Wite-Out.
You guys all read that article I sent, right? - Mm-mm.
- No.
The one I wrote? - Nobody read that, Jillian.
- That's great.
All right, so if we don't spend it, corporate's gonna slash next year's budget, so I've decided I'm gonna throw us a little office party.
Now, if you have any suggestions, please let me know.
But one thing is for damn sure.
We're getting a pancake station.
Yeah! Alice, can we get a Velcro wall? I've always wanted to feel what it would be like to be held and supported.
By Velcro.
And we definitely need to get one of them hammer slammers.
I've been doing these Jillian Michael DVDs, and it's time to put my "chess stremph" to the test.
Let's get a batting cage.
Wait till you see me bunt.
I can really lay 'em down.
Okay, you know what? I'm sorry I asked.
If you have any more suggestions, just tell Jillian.
- I'm out.
- I'm also out.
I have an idea.
How 'bout we debut Menergy at the party? - Yes.
- Right? I mean, I always thought it'd be the Apollo Theater, but, like, this could work.
I think fate might've just stepped in.
I'm psyched.
This is how Metallica started.
They had their first gig at, like, a Chick-fil-A, I think.
Uh, Blake, here's the deal.
Adam and I got to talking.
Well, we came to the conclusion that you're off the project.
So you did take me off the track.
Indeed.
Okay, well, that doesn't make sense.
We're not a duo.
We're a threesome, like, yeah.
I don't mean to be mean or rude, but your voice is horrific sounding.
It's so bad, Blake.
It sounds like life leaving something.
Like a child's nightmare.
Remember the video of that pit bull that got shot? It was like, "Bang!" It was like Shut up! Shut up, all right? You guys backstabbed me, all right? You betrayed me.
You frickin' ripped my heart out, and you basically just threw it in the trash and lit it on fire and spit on it, man.
- I got to take a walk.
- Okay.
The irony is, the way that he described what we did to him? - That's what his voice sounds like.
- Yeah.
- Alice - We want to Ask you What is he doing here? Blake finally had a good idea.
He's gonna do a little musical performance at the office party.
What? That's the reason that-- It's okay.
You know, it's so funny, Blake, but I never knew you were in a band.
Yeah, and it's "rapping wizards.
" Wow.
I mean, even it it isn't good, you know, it'll be fun to laugh at.
- Yeah.
- So Worth a chuckle.
Okay, please get the eff out of my office now.
Excuse me.
Blake, you get back here.
You can't do this.
- The Wizards--it's our thing.
- Oh, yeah? Well, Menergy was our thing too, but you kicked me out of that, so I'm kicking you out of The Wizards.
You mess with the dragon's fire, you get scorched, you bitch.
- Bye-bye.
- No, not bye-bye, okay? 'Cause I'm only scared of two things.
Pincher bugs is one of them, and the other is pleasing a woman to death with my penis.
Now I realize it wasn't that big, so that was an irrational fear.
But now I'm frickin' scared of you, my man, 'cause you're a snake, and you snaked our gig.
He's scared, and I'm laughing, because I think it's hilarious that you think you can do The Wizards without us.
My whole butt is cracking off over here.
No, that's true, Blazer.
It is.
He frickin' has a giant crack right up his butt.
- Yeah.
- It's true.
Moon him.
Moon him, Ders.
Do not moon me.
Not here.
Not-- Look at it.
Look at that.
You think you can moon me without consequences? Huh? Do you? Why are you doing a freaking Bruce Willis voice right now? 'Cause I'm serious, all right? I'm dead serious.
Well, buckle up, you backstabbers, 'cause I got to go rehearse.
You're gonna see one heck of a Wizard performance tomorrow.
And you're not gonna be part of it.
Oh, this ain't happening, because what that snake Blake doesn't realize is that he just awakened a mongoose.
Hell yeah.
What's--I don't know what a mongoose is.
That's a snake? It's a dope ferret that can kill snakes.
That was a snake.
Dude, your voice is awesome, man.
It's just like-- it's really unique.
You just need, like, really awesome talent to be holding you up, which is why we have these puppets.
Karl, that is why you are my only real friend, all right? Because you don't turn your back on me ever.
Fricking wolf pack for life, bro.
Dude.
Swee! I wish you were my dad sometimes.
- I really do.
- Yeah.
I wish you didn't live in a van.
It's always hot.
I'm hot right now.
Yeah, sorry.
The AC is busted.
Here, I'm gonna just drink some of this juice.
What is this? Is this homemade? Oh, no! No! Oh, my God, what is-- what is that? That's a homemade super stink bomb, dude.
What? That's filled with so much nasty stuff, man.
Like raw poop, human poop, raccoon poop, my poop, Velveeta cheese, and fermented Grumpy Grape Squeezit.
- I thought it was kombucha.
- No.
Oh, Karl, why? Why? Dude, I make 'em, and I sell it to bad kids.
Oh, I get that.
You're expanding your portfolio.
You're getting very wise in your old age.
Allow me and my friends to give you a round of applause.
Oh, my God.
The human genius, you guys.
Here he is.
That's awesome.
You got to be kidding me.
He thinks he can replace us with some puppets? You've got to be kidding me.
- All right, let's go.
- Okay.
No, this way, dude.
One, two, three, yes.
Kick, kick.
One and two and three and four You know who it be.
It's that crazy-ass mage.
- Crazy-ass.
- Crazy-ass mage.
- Was that pretty good? - It's great.
It looks like--it's awesome.
And suck my frickin' balls, dude.
- Yes, yes.
- What the-- Police! Come out from behind the van now.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, no way.
- No way.
- What's going on? We don't have to do what you say.
- Hey-- - No! Fuck you.
Karl, shut up, dude.
- They got guns, man.
- No, dude.
I've been profiled two times in the last eight years.
- I'm done with you pigs! - This is not a fucking game! Drop the pipes or I will shoot you! That's not necessary, officer.
Chill! Put the gun down! - You in the middle.
- Yes.
Step forward, lay on the ground, and put your hands behind your back.
Yes, of course.
Yes, I'm-- Whoa, back the fuck up! Whoa! Stop, dude! Please! We said just the man in the middle.
- I got the ugly one on the left.
- Fuck.
Say the word, I'll blow his head off.
- Doug, please stop.
Please? - Please, all right? I'm gonna unhook my puppet.
They're reaching for their weapons! Oh! Oh, shit! Okay! Okay! What is wrong with this guy? You shot an innocent puppet! I want your badge number now.
Tha--ooh, you fucked up.
Jesus Christ, Doug! I told you to keep your weapons holstered.
Okay, sorry.
We'll call this one even.
I'm sure you got drugs in that van, so Yeah, yes, I have a lot of drugs in here.
Yes, we'll call it even.
Blake! Oh, my God, are you okay? I just called the cops, and then I heard a gunshot.
- Gunshot? - Why did you call the cops? Adam and Anders said that someone pulled you in a shady van-- which is right here.
Shady? This is my home.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I was just out here rehearsing for the thing tomorrow, okay? Wasn't in any shady vans.
Wait, on company time? Blake, go home, okay? And don't think about coming back here tomorrow, because you are suspended.
No! Go make your puppets somewhere else.
I was just shot at by cops! Yeah.
But then there won't be a band to perform-- You know what? I have a good idea.
What if our band performed tomorrow? It's a cool emo band that we started called Menergy.
- What do you say? - Fine.
Sure.
Play.
Who cares? - Do I have street cred now? - Wait.
- What are they doing? - Oh, this'll feel good.
Oh, no.
Hell no.
Hell no.
- Hey, hey, hey, chill.
- No.
no.
Chill, man.
Chill.
They're just butts, bro.
- Let me go.
- Just chill.
- It's not over! - It's just skin.
It's not.
It's butt skin.
DeMamp, let's go.
You can do your hair in the car.
We got a sound check in 15.
- Hey.
- What? Before you leave, I just want to apologize for yesterday.
I was just acting like a weird-- I don't want to cut you off, but I've been waiting for that.
Thank you.
You know, I should've just known.
You and Adam have always worked so well together, and Well, I'll be honest.
Working with you would be a dream compared to working with that guy.
It's like he doesn't understand.
I am the brains of the operation.
He's just a diva.
I know what works and what doesn't, you know? Take care.
Adam! S'go! You got it.
Break a leg.
"Adam, let's go.
- Adam, let's go.
" - Hey.
Dude, how does my hair look? Come here.
Let me You know, it's weird that Ders doesn't even, like, realize how important this kind of stuff is, you know? Him being, like, the leader of the band and stuff.
You'd think he'd know a little bit about-- - Did he say that? - Yeah, no.
He said he's the leader of the band.
- He said he's the leader? - Yeah.
Okay.
If this were a cartoon, there'd be freaking fire in my eyeballs right now.
Blake, between me and you, there is no band without me-- Adam, the freakin' star of all stars, DeMamp.
It's like we're the band Everclear.
I'm Art Alexakis.
He's Craig Montoya and Greg Eklund.
Don't you ever, ever, ever forget about me, even when you're super famous and up on top, okay? Blake, I have the memory of an elephant.
I don't forget nothing.
I forgot pants.
Let's do this.
Ha! That one slipped.
Stop trippin'.
Wow.
- This is so real.
- Yep.
Showtime's in one hour, so we need to be very careful with what we do to our bodies.
Pancakes are ready! Carbo load.
Yes! Excuse me.
Talent coming through.
- Move, bidge.
- Talent first.
- Get out of my way.
- Talent first.
- Dude, I'm gonna hit - Thank you.
So many beautiful notes when I'm full of food.
That's how I do.
I freakin' fill up with food, and I exude talent.
Hey, and you know what, I could really go for some of that golden brown sauce.
Oh, this? The good good.
- Yummy, yummy.
- Gonna get you some.
- Yowza.
- Get me some.
I'm excited about today.
- I am too.
- To Menergy.
Let's get menergized.
Right? Yeah.
- These are weird-tasting.
- What is that? It's Blake.
Hi.
How was your pancakes? Blake, where are you? The pancakes.
Did he do-- what'd he do to the pancakes? You tell you what you did to these pancakes right now.
What didn't I do to the pancakes? I--actually, I just switched the syrup with teriyaki.
No, no.
You guys! It's not syrup, it's teriyaki.
You can't eat the pancakes.
It's teriyaki? It's actually not bad when you know what it is.
Oh, boys, it's a shame Alice is gonna have to cancel the mixer.
It's actually not a mixer, Blake.
If anything, it's like a office party or a brunch with activities, and why would Alice cancel it? Okay, well, here's one pitch why.
- He's got a pitch.
- Okay, what is it? No, it--that-- it's a pun, okay? Just look at the pitching machine, man.
- What do you mean, it's-- - All right, hit it.
My eyes! Who put fruit in the ball return? There he is.
Blake, what's up, man? What's your end game? There is no end game, Adam.
All right? Now stick around.
Stick around.
- Make sure to stick around.
- Stick around.
Hold me in your arms, Mother Velcro! The Velcro wall.
- Velcro wall.
- What's happening? Oh, God.
Help.
Help! - It's deflating! - Jillian? Oh, dear God, it's swallowing me whole.
Jillian, I know it's hard, but you have to work with me here.
Alice, you really got to-- What is that? Is that my skin? No, it's Velcro.
Stop screaming in my ear! Oh, my panties are out.
Okay, that was kind of anti-climactic.
- Come on.
- All right.
Hey, you see this? Still got "teriyoki" on my fingers.
What the-- It's Blake.
He's here.
You're on speakerphone.
- What's up? Adam's here.
- It's Adam and Ders.
And listen up, okay? It's Menergy's big day, and you are ruining it, because you're freaking our crowd out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Ders.
Am I sapping all the Menergy from you guys? Oh, I hope you have the "skremph" to play the gig.
Otherwise, it's really gonna stink.
Who says stupid stuff like "skremph?" I'm like Thor's uncle up in here.
Oh! Damn it! No! No! Drop the hammer! - Got it! - Nice.
Oh! I've always wanted to hold a hammer like this.
- That was close.
- That was cool, right? Hey, don't you see me trying to ring this bell like Bart Simpson's neck? Well, it's a good thing you didn't--look.
One of Karl's classic homemade stink bombs.
Whatever.
It's Blake.
Congratulations.
You stopped Tez.
But I've got more up my sleeve.
Sleeve.
Rip your sleeves off.
- He did something to our sleeves.
- No, Adam, stop it.
He did something to our sleeves.
Adam, you heard him.
Stop it.
Didn't you hear him? He knows we stopped Tez.
He can see us.
- I spotted him.
- Where? Where? - Where? - He's on the roof over there.
Go, go, go, go.
Blake, you hold it right there.
- Oh! - Owie.
Karl? What are you doing? I'll never tell you, 'cause you hurt my best friend Blake's feelings.
- Oh? - Ow! Ow! It's glued to my head.
Stop! - Where is he? - Stop! Ow, dude.
- Oh.
- Well, hello.
You know what? I'm gonna just jump off of here and kill myself.
That way I don't have to see your stupid performance again.
No, that's where you're wrong, Blake, 'cause you're gonna have to see our performance over and over and over again, forever, starting now.
Get your butt out of my face.
- Showtime.
- Yeah.
Sit tight, you bizznatch.
Hello, TelAmericorp and any other offices out there that can hear us.
We are Menergy.
Let's get menergized! Whoo! When you need me, I'll be there 'Cause we're best friends When you see me, there's no fear 'Cause we're best friends Do you trust me like I trust you? I don't care who overhears our conversation He doesn't understand.
- I'm the brains of the operation.
- Wait, what? There is no band without me, Adam.
What the hell is that? What are you saying? You just said something first.
He's just a diva.
I'm the diva? Look how hard your hair is right now.
I'm the diva? Hey, I wake up like this.
You want to get real? We both know Menergy wouldn't exist without me, the brains.
Okay, I'm the talent of the operation.
I thought you guys were friends.
Like how every line of your song is about being friends? - Yeah, we're friends, Bill.
- We're friends, okay? This is a spat between friends.
Kind of like the band Everclear.
I'm Art Alexakis.
He's Craig Montoya and Greg Eklund.
Okay, let me be ever so clear about this.
You are no Art Alexakis.
I'm totally Art Alexakis, and I told Blake that--okay.
Quite the performance, gentlemen.
And I had the perfect seats.
Front side stage, right within range of your stupid little Bluetooth beat machine.
Oh, my God, he wanted us to catch him.
No, what I-- what I wanted-- I'll tell you.
What I wanted was to rock and roll onstage with my friends, okay? We've established that you're talentless, okay? And it's your voice, and it's horrible, and it was sort of a business decision.
Yeah, all right.
I will admit, I have a very bad singing voice.
- Very bad.
It's very, very bad.
- So bad.
How would you feel if, you know, Ders and I left you out of the project? You guys wouldn't do that, because I am a natural-born performer, and I'm the best singer of the crew.
Yeah, that's true.
You're in no matter what.
But, Ders, what about you? What if Adam and I left you out? Uh, you guys do that all the time.
And it does feel pretty bad.
Look, I have a terrible voice.
Even my deaf friend from high school, Terrell, he would tell me, like, you know, "Don't quit your day job.
" You can speak sign language? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A little.
Little.
Little bit.
We've got respect For each other We will protect one another Don't waste your breath on the haters They're jealous of our friendship Friends till the end Ride or die, best friends I'll trust you with my life Friends till the end Ride or die, best friends I'll trust you with my life - Thank you guys so much.
- Thank you.
- Stay menergized.
- All right.
- Take it to church! - Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Whoo! We are Menergy.
That was so fun.
I'm sorry, what the hell are you doing here? He's jamming with his friends, which, last time I checked, ain't a crime.
Actually, the last time I checked, he's not supposed to be here, so you know what? Neither should you.
Why don't you go home.
Just go smoke weed about it? Let's do it.
Oh, hey, guys? Thank you.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
One, two, three, four!