Xena: Warrior Princess s05e04 Episode Script

[ Blows .]
Ow! Joxer! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
I wasn't looking.
Yeah, you were, at Gabrielle.
Was not.
Was too.
You know what? If I ever go gaga like that over anyone, you have my permission to kill me.
Happy to oblige.
[ Groans .]
That is so guy! What do you know about guys? You're an Amazon.
All you know is shopping for bows and arrows and emasculation.
I know you don't have to live with pigs to recognize one.
You know, I'm so glad all women aren't like you.
All the women I know are.
We don't need a man to get along.
In fact, as far as they're concerned, youguysare totally dispensable.
[ Sighs .]
[ Bird Screeching .]
Hmm? Hmm? [ Grunts .]
He did it again.
What? Oh.
I must have missed it.
I think I dozed off.
Yeah, you've been doing that a lot lately.
Yeah.
I've been taking hornbain and olive, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
I guess I just need a bit more sack time, huh? - [ Whinnies .]
- What are you, a healer? [ Whinnies, Sputters .]
Nah, I'm just tired.
Why? What did I miss? Joxer gave me one of those looks again.
Xena, when he said he loved me, he said that he didn't expect anything from me.
Clearly, he does.
I'm trying to be sensitive.
Do you have any advice? [ Snoring .]
-[ Whinnying, Distant .]
- [ Whinnying .]
Huh? What was that? [ Whinnying Continues, Distant .]
[ Whinnying Continues .]
Hyah! Oh.
Xena, where are-- Hyah! Hyah! Okay.
Oh, Gabby, would you-- Later, Joxer.
Come on, Amarice! Wait.
[ Whinnying Continues .]
[ Metallic Clanging .]
Okay, Argo, I'm gonna need your help here.
Come on, big fella.
It's okay.
It's okay.
You're gonna feel a whole lot better by the time we're through with ya.
[ Whinnying Continues .]
All right.
All right.
We got ya now.
Okay, Argo.
Here we go.
Easy, now.
There, boy.
Whoa! Oh, by the gods.
Gabrielle, come here.
Joxer, Amarice, you stay there.
Gabrielle, talk to him.
What do I say? Say anything.
See if you can calm him down while I set his leg free from that trap.
Okay.
[ Whinnies .]
It's okay, boy.
It's okay.
- Easy.
-[ Whinnies Softly .]
Good boy.
It's okay.
[ Nickers .]
No one's gonna hurt you.
[ Whinnies .]
Hold still.
Steady.
Steady.
It's okay.
Steady! [ Sputters .]
That's it.
Hold still.
That's a good boy.
[ Sputters .]
Good.
Shh, shh.
It's okay.
Be still.
Be still.
[ Whinnying .]
-[ Xena .]
Steady.
- Good boy.
[ Whinnying Continues .]
- There ya go.
- [ Sputters .]
Yeah.
[ Sputters .]
[ Chuckles .]
Good boy.
We're gonna have to treat that wound before we set him free.
"Set him free"? What's on your mind? Spa moan-- Spamona? Spamona.
Yeah, it's famous for its hot springs.
Hey, Xena, a little rest, and we'll all feel better.
Hot springs, huh? Ma'am.
Hey, you know that guy? Who? Him? Hey, these hot springs-- they, um-- [ Woman Shouting .]
Come on, boy.
Steady.
That's it.
Good boy.
I heard a horse once bit a man in half! Get! Get! Go on! [ Whinnies, Sputters .]
I really appreciate this.
Are you kidding? This way, I get a hot bath and to eat something I didn't kill myself.
On the other hand, I'm so hungry I could eat a h-- [ Whinnies .]
You wouldn't.
Uh, excuse me, folks.
[ Whinnies .]
I guess I ought to tell ya this town's got a law against carrying weapons.
In case you didn't know, this is Xena.
Who's got the guts to take her weapons, huh? Me.
[ Spurs Clanging .]
[ Man Narrating .]
In a time of ancient gods-- [ Xena Yells .]
warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
-The danger.
- [ Kiaiing .]
Her courage will change the world.
[ Shouting, Grunting .]
[ Kiaiing .]
[ Laughs .]
I never could put that past you.
Hello, Talia.
[ Laughs .]
Oh! Oh, you always saw that move coming! Your sword kind of tips it.
You could try switching hands.
Might save your life.
Oh, I'll remember that.
I guess you two know each other.
Oh, this is Talia.
We rode together years ago.
These are my friends, Gabrielle, Joxer and Amarice.
Welcome to Spamona.
I'm kind of surprised to find you in a place like this.
I'm kind of surprised to find you alive.
Word was Caesar staked you to a cross.
Yeah.
That's a long story.
Why don't we get together over a meal? I feel like some raspberry jelly and-- I don't know-- some raw fish.
What do you say? Um, I just ate.
- But-- - Uh, yeah.
I wouldn't wanna butt in.
- N-- - I'm gonna work with the horse.
Aah.
Come on.
I'm buying.
You always eat like this? Well, you know-- Hello, Sheriff.
I thought you ought to see this.
Showed up while I was on rounds.
That's yours.
I recognize the design.
Was mine.
Last I saw, it was sticking in a dirtbag named Darcon.
He used to tear up this town pretty bad.
I'm sorry, Sheriff, but if Darcon and his boys are out, no one's safe.
- What's this? - My resignation.
Well, Darcon must be trouble.
- Nothin' but.
- I'm glad we're here to help.
No! I mean, thanks, but Darcon's my problem.
I'll handle him.
Your word.
Oh.
Promise.
[ Spurs Clanging .]
[ Shouting .]
-He's not comin' up.
- Do something.
Help him! [ Chattering .]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you all right? Hello! [ Coughing .]
Oh, by the gods! Are you all right? Hey.
I am now.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, glad you're all right.
I-I wouldn't wanna drown anyone my first time here.
I know what you mean.
Makes for a very bad impression.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Both Chuckle .]
Well, there's no visible damage, so-- See ya.
No.
Wait.
Look.
Look.
You just saved my life, and I don't even know your name.
Amarice, there ya are.
- Arman.
- [ Together .]
You know Joxer? - What are you doing here? I thought you were at school.
- I was just passin' through.
Hey, uh, listen, I never told you that, uh-- No, Joxer.
Uh, that was the past.
So, uh, you know Amarice.
Know her? She saved my life.
Oh, did ya, now? Saved a man's life, did ya? Oh.
Huh.
I'm glad you're all right.
- No, wait! - [ Shouts .]
[ Both Laughing .]
[ Muttering .]
Right over-- [ Laughing Continues .]
You think that's funny? Well, no.
But a little bit, yeah.
Sorry.
It's just, you're not hurt, and-- and it was pretty funny! Come on, Amarice.
You're not really hurt.
- Where's your sense of humor? - You wanna know where my sense of humor is? I'll tell you, you mother-- [ Gong Bangs .]
Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? I'm telling you.
She's insane.
No argument there.
Immature, obnoxious, spoiled.
Inconsiderate, arrogant, self-centered, smug.
- Maybe it wasn't Arman.
- Doesn't sound like him to me.
- I've got news for you.
People change.
- Mmm.
Oh, and talk about erratic.
One moment she's savin' my life, the next she's tryin' to take my head off.
What's that all about? Women.
Can't live with 'em, can't chain 'em in the yard.
[ Laughs .]
Ow! [ Bones Crack .]
[ Rumbling .]
I don't feel so good.
After raspberry jam and raw fish? Big surprise.
You haven't been feeling good for days now.
It'll pass.
I know you're a gifted healer.
I think it's time for a second opinion.
What do you say? Ahhh.
Ahh.
Very good.
Well, congratulations.
You're in excellent health, you know? Considering.
Beg pardon? Hey, Doc, if there's something wrong, you know you can tell me.
It doesn't matter what it is.
I can take it.
I'm pretty tough.
Just spit it out.
I'm in excellent health, considering what? Considering you're pregnant.
[ Gasps .]
It's impossible! I cannot be pregnant! If you weren't such a quack, you would know that getting pregnant involves certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a long time, and I mean a very long time! No one.
Zilch, zippo.
I am a love-free zone.
Therefore, it is utterly impossible that I be up the duff! So what's your diagnosis now? Mood swings! [ Groans .]
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, wait up.
Wait up.
Let me help you.
I can carry a sack of apples.
I know you can.
I know you can, but why should you? Joxer, thank you.
No, no.
Gabrielle, look.
With me around to handle the smaller and more indispensable aspects of life, that leaves you to handle the larger and more important ones.
No, I can handle my own apples.
Gabrielle, let me help you.
You might like it.
I don't think so.
Gimme! Stop it.
I'm gonna help you! Joxer! Joxer, get your hands off my apples! Perfect example.
Quack.
Come on.
Here you go, boy.
Come on.
It's an apple.
Oh, I know you're hungry.
- You know it.
- [ Nickers .]
Come on.
Come on.
I'm your friend.
Argo, will you tell him I'm not gonna hurt him? [ Nickers, Whinnies .]
[ Nickers .]
[ Nickers, Whinnies .]
Fine.
If that's your attitude, you can just take it when you want it.
- I'm talking to horses.
- [ Whinnies .]
- Am I nuts? - Certifiable.
Arman.
Joxer said I'd find you here.
Amarice was right.
It is you.
Amarice? What's going on with you two? She's insane.
All I did was laugh a little when she slipped.
You laughed at her? Well, yeah.
It was funny.
And she wasn't hurt.
Right.
Her pride was hurt.
Think about if you fell down in front of your whole school.
Would you laugh? I see your point.
So what do I do to make it up to her? Flowers.
You can't go wrong with flowers.
Flowers? Yes, women love flowers, except Xena.
She's the only woman I know who doesn't stop to smell them.
[ Sniffs .]
Oh, it's a "wittle" cutey! I-- You know what? I think you're right.
Maybe Amarice and I just got off on the wrong foot.
I'll do that.
Hey, uh, thanks for the advice.
"Wrong foot.
" Hmm.
Look familiar? Pretty painful, huh? Whoo, boy! No, it's not a nice feeling.
Yeah, I know what you're going through.
[ Sighs .]
It's tough-- tough on a horse.
We're equals now though.
You know that.
You can trust me now, horse.
Forget it.
It's not that I don't appreciate your offer.
I do.
Then why don't you accept a little help? Because this is my problem, not yours.
You're wrong.
Fighting men like Darcon is everybody's problem, especially mine.
Not this time.
Really? Oh.
So what makes Darcon different from every other scum-sucking warlord? - He's my husband.
- Condolences.
I don't love him.
Not anymore.
But I did.
And now I'm afraid of-- of him, of me.
Talia, this must end here.
Face it.
You're going to need a little help.
That's what I'm here for.
No! I stand up to Darcon or I don't.
But either way, I am not gonna let you take him on for me, especially pregnant.
Oh, come on.
Who's kidding herself now? The need for sleep, the cravings, the nausea.
Hey, not to mention, you know you're looking a little-- My mother was a midwife, Xena.
Wake up and smell the diapers.
[ Gasps .]
What'll it be? Milk.
[ Laughs .]
Milk? I said, "milk!" What, am I overage? Xena, hey.
I've been looking all over for you.
I think I'm in trouble.
What, is it in the water? Huh? I'm talking about Arman.
What about him? Well, you see, that's the trouble.
Every Amazon instinct I have says keep away, but my heart just says go for it.
Have you ever had this problem before? Apparently.
Listen, Amarice, either you kiss him, or you kill him.
But either way, it doesn't seem to make a difference.
Xena.
How you been? You hurt her, Arman, I will have your hide.
Hi.
Hi.
What are those? A way to start over, I hope.
These are for you.
For me? Wow.
Nobody's ever given me anything like this before.
I'm surprised.
You deserve them.
I do? And more.
You deserve someone who'll really appreciate you-- a man who'll protect and pamper you.
A man to protect me? To make sure you never have to worry or be scared.
You think I'm scared of you? No, no.
That's not what I said.
That's what you meant! No, it isn't.
You calling me a liar? Are you telling me what I said? I know what I heard! Liar! [ Grunts .]
Oh! Arman! Oh.
Well.
I see you two didn't have any problem makin' up.
And I seeyouhave no problem kissingguys.
[ Laughs, Groans .]
He started it! I did not! Have you seen Gabrielle? You kissed me first! I did not! That kiss was all your idea! I'm trying to find Gabrielle, so-- You know what? You are delusional.
I'd rather be deluded than nuts.
- [ Grunts .]
- [ Groans .]
Kids.
Well, I tried.
I'm just an idiot.
Talking to horses.
Think I'd have no friends.
[ Nickers .]
[ Sputters .]
Good horse.
Hi-ho! [ Whinnies .]
I've got something I wanna tell you.
Just stay put.
Believe me, you don't wanna be standing when you hear this.
Not that it's bad.
See, I would sense that, and it's not, but-- There is the small question of how it happened, and once you get past that, it's really great.
Don't give me that look like you knew.
You didn't know.
I didn't even know, and I'm the one who's expecting.
[ Nickers .]
Or maybe you did know.
But don't let on to the others.
I wanna tell them myself.
Gabrielle's gonna freak.
Arman, come here.
Listen, what I said to you before-- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I was steamed about something else.
You're a good man.
I know that.
The way I feel about Amarice, I'm not sure that qualifies as good.
I mean, it's not like I meant for this to happen.
Happen? Something happened? I kissed her.
And no matter what she says, she kissed me back.
She just won't admit it.
And why do you think that is? I think it's 'cause she's scared it'll make her seem weak.
Like carin' for someone is somethin' bad.
Can you believe that? Yeah.
I used to, but now I know that any fool can risk his life.
It takes a hero to risk his heart.
Well, tell that to Amarice.
I've got a better idea.
Hi.
Uh, mind if I sit down? If you want.
I mean-- I mean, sure, yeah.
Great.
So, uh, look, Amarice, I just want you to know that I've talked to Xena, and-- You talked to her? Me too.
She's great, isn't she? Oh, the best.
There's a woman who's really got it together.
Never loses it.
Never.
[ Retching .]
- [ Retching Continues .]
- Uh-- What were you gonna say? Oh.
It's just that, uh, I understand where you're comin' from, and I want you to know that there's no hard feelings.
"Hard feelings"? If anyone should have hard feelings, it would be me, which I don't.
Amarice, what's goin' on? Why you acting like this? Like what, if you don't mind my asking? Like that-- so-so phony.
It's not you.
Oh, like you really know me.
- Keep this up, and I won't want to.
- Oh, really? Well, excuse me for being nice.
- It won't happen again! - That was nice? Amarice, have you seen Xena? [ Groans .]
Wait till I do! Arman, have you seen Xena? I can't wait to find her! Kids.
Come on.
Come on, handsome.
[ Nickers .]
Come on.
Xena! Xena! You said, "Kiss him, or kill him," right? [ Shouting, Overlapping .]
Will you guys shut up? [ Whinnies .]
- Shut up, please! The horse-- - Every time I try to be nice-- - I'm pregnant.
- Xena, can you tell them, please? - [ Shouting Continues .]
- I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant! [ Shouting Stops .]
- You're pregnant? - [ Chuckles .]
How can you be pregnant? Xena, I mean, when did you-- Who did-- I don't know.
And you asked her advice on your love life.
You don't know? Gabrielle, this is as strange to me as it is to you.
I don't understand it, but it's true.
I felt it with Solan, and I feel it now.
There's life within me, and it's good.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
A baby.
[ Chuckles .]
You're gonna be a really good mom.
Thanks.
That's really somethin'.
I always wanted to be an uncle.
Hello there, little fella! [ Groans .]
Beats the heck out of my news.
What's that? Some creep named Darcon's comin'.
He should be here by sundown.
Has Talia seen this? I can't find her.
Nobody can.
Then it's up to us.
[ Horses Whinnying .]
What are you doing here? Xena sent me.
Told me to guard the flank against a surprise attack.
Surprise attack? Great.
[ Sighs .]
I don't even know why she wants me here.
All the action's gonna be down on the street.
I heard this Darcon guy's pretty tough.
Well, I'm not afraid of him, if that's what you think.
No.
Why do you always twist what I say? To tell the truth, I don't know anyone who'd scare you.
You'd never let 'em close enough to try.
That's not true.
There is someone who scares me.
You.
[ Chuckles .]
Very funny.
I'm not kidding.
I've never met anyone like you.
I'm not used to feeling this way.
You think I am? This is all new to me too.
It doesn't scare you? Big time.
But that's what makes us so brave-- to feel this scared and not run away-- I'd say that takes a lot of courage, wouldn't you? Are you calling me a coward? I hope not.
You don't have the slightest idea? Now, look, we've been through this a thousand times.
- I don't.
- How can you not know? - I just find that hard to believe, you know? - Tell me.
Ares.
Maybe he did a god thing-- [ Grunts .]
No.
Okay, fine.
When was the last time we saw Hercules? I forget.
I can't-- [ Hoofbeats Approaching .]
[ Rattling .]
[ Spurs Clanging .]
Hi, honey.
I'm home.
This isn't your home, Darcon, not anymore.
Well, we'll have to see about that.
Won't we, boys? -[ Men Laughing .]
- Come on! Hyah! Get on! Get going! [ Xena .]
Come on, Gabrielle! [ Chattering .]
[ Groaning, Shouting .]
[ Gabrielle .]
Hey, guys.
Huh? [ Both Shouting .]
Whoa! [ Shouting .]
- [ Whimpering .]
-[ Swords Clanging .]
Stop! Stop! What? You got yourself a little horsey friend? A little pony all tricked out in bows? Yeah.
Pl-- Don't.
Please.
Who's gonna stop me? [ Whinnying .]
- [ Gasps .]
- [ Whinnying Continues .]
[ Shouting .]
[ Nickers .]
[ Whinnies .]
Go on, finish it! I have.
The rest is up to a judge.
So, uh, I guess this is good-bye.
No, this is.
Wow.
You should see my hellos.
[ Xena .]
Well, congratulations.
Looks like we're a two-horse family.
Yeah.
"Family" being the operative word.
Yeah.
How about that, huh? You know what I think? I think it's the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Yep.
For all of us.
Hi.
[ Gabrielle .]
Steady.
Steady now.
Whoo.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Whinnies .]
Whoa, boy.
Whoa.
Come on, Xena.
Race you to Greece? I don't know if you're ready forthat.
Are you chicken? No, just being considerate.
We race to Greece, and you won't be able to walk straight for a month.