Bad Girls (1999) s05e05 Episode Script

Shut up.
Get in.
- 'Merriman's escaped.
' - Shit! G Wing.
Hardly an advert for the penal system.
Are you managing any other women's prisons? Not yet.
l've been thinking about what the voices were saying About what, specifically? Well, romance and money would sort of sum it up.
She's been talking about getting a new man.
With a white collar.
Written in the stars, apparently.
- Get him away from my kid.
- l'm not doing nothing.
Right? Bullshit.
He wants sex in front of a little baby.
''Dear Sir or Madam.
''My client, Buki Lester, has instructed me to sue you ''for the theft of her child, Lennox Lester, called Winston.
'' Hand him over.
Come on.
- You what? - Better get the baby out.
The nutter tried to suffocate her own kid.
- You lying bastard! - You were caught red-handed.
Get off me.
Ritchie! Just stick to what you wrote in your report.
Dockley's a liar.
No one will believe her crap.
- Except we're the liars.
- Excuse me? Dockley was trying to protect her baby, not kill it.
Word of advice, Bambi.
Don't shit a bullshitter.
You're just sorry you lost a tart.
Remember who ballsed it up, mate.
You.
lf it wasn't for me, we'd both be in the shit.
So give it a rest with the guilt trip.
We've done that kid a favour.
Would you want Dockley for a mother? You've got to be careful, Neil.
After that car incident, Gnasher could do anything.
So l put my life on hold because of some coward with a poison pen and spray paint? Well, what else can you do if you don't want to be run through the shredder? l can do something.
l can find out who it is.
What kind of threatening messages? - Referring to my sexuality.
- Saying what, exactly? Do l need to paint a picture? l'm a pervert.
l'm going to get what's coming to me.
l knew Di had some sort of problem, but now it's your arse they're after? This isn't funny, Jim.
Sorry, it's just a figure of speech.
Di thinks it could be a PO.
Well, don't look at me.
This is kindergarten stuff.
l wouldn't waste my time.
Not when l've got my job to worry about.
Let me know if you hear any whispers.
- l hear Dockley's been shipped out.
- Good news travels fast.
l'm surprised you look at it that way.
You're gonna lose a lot of pocket money.
l'd be careful, Atkins.
That kind of talk causes trouble.
Well, you've made sure Dockley won't cause any more.
Blame me if you want, but l wasn't the one in the cell when it all kicked off.
Still, l know whose word l'd take over Dockley's.
Morning, girls.
Out you come.
ls it true Shell's been shipped out? lt was for her own good, Denny.
And her baby's.
What do you mean? Where've they sent her? - Fossmoor.
- What? That's a frigging muppet house! There was an incident.
She tried to kill her baby.
- No way, man.
- ls the baby all right? He's fine.
He'll be with foster parents by now.
This doesn't make sense.
Shell ain't that much of a nutter.
l'm sorry, Denny.
She obviously had more problems than you knew about.
That bitch ought to rot for the rest of her life.
This is bullshit.
Shell loved that kid.
No way she wanted to lose him.
You have no idea what goes on in a psycho's head.
You're the kind of psycho that gets rid of her baby, innit? You were in Dockley's cell when she took off.
What's it to you? l just wonderedhow come a mum who so looked forward to having her baby tries to kill it inside 24 hours? l don't know, Atkins, but l know what l saw.
Do you? That baby was in danger, so watch your lip.
You don't have to justify yourself to me, sir.
l'm just a con.
But l do know something made Dockley as mad as hell.
Or she'd never have harmed her baby.
And if l find out somebody else did, l'll have his bollocks for earrings.
Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Fisher! - Oh, er, Reverend Mills! - Sylvia.
Good morning.
l was hoping l might bump into you.
lt's just l hope you don't mind my asking, but you've been such a good friend since Bobby passed away.
You've helped me realise that there is life after death.
For me, l mean.
Bobby will always be there for you.
l know.
But not tonight.
l need a man with muscle.
- l'm sorry? - To help me move into my new flat.
You've decided to go for the apartment? Mayfair's not really my cup of tea, but l suppose beggars can't be choosers.
l'd be happier lodging with somebody who needs the company.
What time would you like me to come round? Come on, you fat cow.
l want my letter! You only wrote to social services a few days ago.
You know what they're like - slug on bleedin' holiday.
Not if it's on fake solicitors' paper.
Be wetting themselves.
- Have you got something for me? - No.
- You sure? - Yes, Lester.
Unless you want a rule 47 for obstructing me.
l'm going back into a cell on my own today.
Maybe you'd like to pop by later? - l could hide you from Bodybag.
- l'm not safe anywhere.
Now she wants me to help her move.
That woman's become an absolute parasite.
You've got to stop her using you.
l heard a baby screaming and looked in.
l thought the mother might have left it.
lnstead, l saw Dockley standing over it with a pillow.
Just when we thought we were getting through to her.
Post-natal depression.
You're an expert, are you, Colin? - Well, you read about it.
- Dockley was distressed.
Sufficient to require restraints.
Yet by all accounts, including Di's, she was happy as anything.
l'm not saying she knew what she was doing.
We all know how made up she was over the kid, but if her hormones lt's not clear from your report why you were on the hospital wing at all.
l was looking for Jim Fenner.
l think we should thank God he was, or it wouldn't be a case of attempted infanticide.
- Thank you, Colin.
Good work.
- (Colin) Sir.
Sorry, Neil, but l'm not happy with this.
Dockley convinced me that she cared about her kids.
That's for Fossmoor to decide now.
We need to find a strategy for G Wing's other problem prisoner.
Well? Number one believes me at least.
You've got nothing to worry about, then.
WE'VE got nothing to worry about, Jim.
You're as deep as me.
Deeper.
Right? Are you threatening me? Cos it's not my name on that report.
l only went along with what you said as a trusting colleague.
Don't start what you can't finish, matey, or l'll fry you for breakfast.
Look, l just wondered who tipped Atkins off it was me who told it.
Atkins? She knows more of what goes on in here than bloody God, mate.
You do know who she is? Some bitch con who's pushing her luck with me.
That's Mrs Charlie Atkins.
- Gangland boss? - The dead gangland boss.
And if she can bump him off and get away with it What do you do with someone who'll poison herself to escape? ln my view, we have only two options.
We either put her on psychiatric and give her the liquid cosh, or we try something left of field.
Come to have a gawp at the freak show? - ls this necessary? - lt's what we were told.
l'm telling you to get her out of them.
- Do it.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
You don't know how l've prayed.
Save the dramatics and listen carefully, Merriman.
Your only hope of stopping this treatment is to accept your sentence.
Otherwise, trust me, you'll be plotting your escape plans in a secure hospital.
Understand what l'm saying? l understand what God's saying to me, in here.
lt's where l am with Ritchie.
Not outside.
That's how we'll prove how strong our love is.
Don't kid me l've got a hope in hell of convincing you lot.
Not for 20 years.
Give her a shower and fresh clothes and bring her to my office.
Merriman, l'm going to make you my orderly.
Your orderly? Are you mad? Well, boyfriend's in hospital for the foreseeable future.
Where's she gonna run without him? l know what l'm doing.
Working on the admin block will keep her away from the others, give her structure.
l wish l had your faith in her.
Can you come up with a better idea? lt won't be my problem for much longer.
Linford Securities can sort her out.
Watch what she puts in your coffee.
£500? Oh, that's very, ermreasonable.
And l have to say, it is a lovely flat.
A month in advance and another month as deposit, of course.
l'll make sure it goes into your account today.
Super.
Are you, erplanning a housewarming? Well, just a little something.
Quiet and intimate.
l have your word this is just between the three of us? l don't want people to get the wrong idea.
- Nor do we.
- Mum's the word.
lt's clear to see that you two are a cut above the other riffraff in here.
To return a small favour, an ice bucket would come in handy.
l've already secured gardening jobs for you.
For which we're very grateful to you, of course.
But l do prefer my tonic water chilled.
- All right? - (Groans) Frigging social services don't answer to no one.
Making my little boy do time.
Here, have a butcher's.
Got it off the lnternet.
- What's that? - A list of children's homes in London.
Your little Lennox will be in one of them.
Wicked! l'll write to them all.
l'm bound to find him.
Hey! Bugger snail mail, girl.
Get ringing! (Knock at door) Oh.
Erthank you.
l can't tell you how much l appreciate this chance, sir.
Yeah, l hope you do.
l meant what l said.
There are no others after this.
l won't let you down, Mr Grayling.
That's a promise.
Let's take it one step at a time, shall we? ls there anything you'd like me to do next? Just say the word.
Well, some new pencils would be useful.
Ask my secretary.
- You could water the plants.
- Yes, sir.
Right away.
Over to you.
Let's hope you get lucky this time.
l've nearly run out of phonecards.
Cheers, man.
Did you get through to Ritchie? They've got him up and about in a wheelchair.
Still, he's got a better life waiting than Buki's little boy.
Have you told him he's got a new sister yet? Best tell him when l see him face to face, yeah? Oi, screw! Shell didn't give you what you were after? - Careful, Blood.
- You were there.
l ain't stupid.
You are, and you'll end up on report if you keep up with this shit-slinging.
l suppose you've put me on report already.
No.
lt's understandable that you're upset about another mum.
- So l've decided to forget it.
- l haven't.
Look, l'm telling the truth about Dockley and her kid.
lt looks ugly but it's the truth.
l know you're top dog in here, but l don't want trouble.
My God.
The grovelling bloody screw.
That just proves you're as guilty as sin.
- Are you sure you've got everything? - lt's all in storage apart from this.
Well, this is it.
After all these years.
Our little nest of dreams.
Bye-bye.
(Jangling) l'm sorry.
lt's only a house, l know.
(Sniffs) lt feels like l've shut the door on a whole chapter of my life.
You're about to open a new one now.
ln Mayfair, no less.
What are we waiting for? Let's get moving.
No leads on Gnasher, then? Well, at least l'm sure it's not Jim Fenner.
Probably best to stay in tonight, though.
l'll cook something from the freezer and pick a film up.
(Unenthused) Sounds wonderful.
Sylvia, this is amazing! But l thought you had no money.
Must be costing a fortune.
Er, no.
lt belongs to a friend, actually.
He's out of the country for a few months and asked me to look after it.
You're so well-connected! Oh, yes.
He's, erm He's an advisor to the government.
- Really? - Yes.
lt's surprising the people you meet ballroom dancing.
So it seems! Little music, that's what this place needs.
Make it feel more like home.
Oh, goodness me! lt's quite nice, though, isn't it? l'm on something of a tight schedule.
Maybe l could nip out while you settle in.
Get a few odds and ends from the shop.
Milk, bread, that sort of thing.
You are so thoughtful, Henry.
But l've got the contents of my fridge in that bag.
- Well, then, erm - Just get us a bottle of wine.
For a little toast.
- Did you enjoy that? - Yeah, it was great.
lt's much better than going out, isn't it? Not when l can cook you all your favourites.
Don't have to listen to others chatter.
On the other hand, there's the advantage of eating with who l like.
Di, you're a great cook.
ln many respects, you're a fantastic wife.
l want to be a fantastic mother as well.
A child? You're talking about us having a child? What's so terrible about it? lt's natural to want children, even for you.
- You're joking, obviously.
- You're gay, Neil, you're not an alien.
lt doesn't mean you don't have human needs.
Like being a father.
This isn't about my needs - all l need is a sensitive bloke with a strong grip.
What's the deal with you and Grayling? Anyone else l'd say you were shagging.
There's no deal.
Just playing it straight now.
Yeah? Well, l'm Julie Andrews.
Go on, get in there.
What the hell's she doing back? Not my call, Atkins.
lf it was, l'd put her in a cage with a sack on her head.
One thing's for sure.
These new bastards couldn't do a worse job than you lot.
(Cocktail jazz) - (Woman) Sick bitch! - (2nd woman) Slag! You're on your own, slut! Burn her cage.
- (Merriman) Yvonne! Yvonne! - (Shouting continues) l know you can hear me.
l've got to know how Ritchie is.
- How do you expect? - (Woman) Won't want you now! His girlfriend killed everything south of his belt buckle! Please! Please, just tell me! (Merriman) Yvonne? Piss off! (Woman) Oi! Shut it! (Key turning in lock) Come in, Henry, don't be shy.
l'm in here, Henry.
(Screams) Right, you two.
l hope you've got a good explanation.
l've never been so humiliated in my entire life.
What do you mean? - Flying squad burst in on me in the bath! - What? They had me down the station half the night like a criminal.
Why didn't you tell me the flat had an alarm connected to the police? - An alarm? - What alarm? l must have been out of my mind to trust two cons.
There's no need to fall out.
lt's obviously been installed in our absence for some reason.
We'll give our managing agents a call and sort it out.
You'd better.
lf my gentleman friend hadn't been able to vouch for me, l could have ended up a prisoner in my own prison.
Shit.
lf there was an alarm, why didn't it go off when she looked around? Wellshe'd only have been there a few minutes.
You know how useless the police are.
When they turned up, she'd have been long gone.
This was going to be such a nice scam.
We have to think of a way to sort this out without it costing us.
Mm.
What the hell's going on with Merriman? - Orders from above.
- Oh.
Straight off the block into a nice cushy job making tea and crumpets? What did she do - stick the gun up Grayling's arse? Keep out of it, Yvonne.
lf anything happens, l won't look the other way.
How'd you get on with them kids' homes, then? Like shit.
Every one l ring up don't wanna talk to me.
They think l'm a nutter or a nonce.
Don't care l'm Lennox's mum! You have to pretend to be somebody else.
- What do you mean? - l've been thinking about it.
Your little Lennox, he's got this CMT disease.
What do little 'uns like him need? A wheelchair.
l had no option but to offer her a bed.
- What? - ln the guest room.
There wasn't anything else l could do.
She's obviously getting the wrong idea about you.
You're going to have to be cruel if you want to be kind.
So how was it, Sylv? Your first night in Mayfair? Actually, l had to spend the night at Henry's because there was a bit of a mix-up with the flat keys.
Oh, yeah? Where did you hide them, then? Oh, you cheeky devil! (Laughs) l bet you won't even bother to try and find them.
lt's much too early to start talking like that.
But l don't mind telling you, if ever a man was my Sir Galahad Hot enough for bikinis in here! Well, enough to die of thirst for a large G&T.
- Oh, ice and a slice.
- (Laughs) Too nice! You know, this place would be perfect for a still.
What? To brew our own booze, Bev.
My pa's old batman taught me all the tricks out in Saudi.
lt's a piece of piss to set up a basic bucket job.
Just need to do a bit of bartering.
Phyl, l could kiss your feet and sing hosannas.
So, have you managed to sort things out with the flat or should l go to the police cells tonight? We spoke to our managing agents.
They took it upon themselves to install the alarm after a spate of burglaries.
They've also let the flat to someone else, from this weekend.
- What? - According to our instructions.
But unbeknown to us.
We're sorry, but normal communications are scuppered when one is in prison.
ButBut l've already paid my deposit! lf another property was available, we'd let you have it rent free, but none is.
Well, in that case, l want my money back immediately.
Of course.
Just give us your bank account details.
Are you kidding? How else can we arrange a transfer? There's nothing else in it we can con you out of, is there? - Are you sure this will work? - Just try it, Buki, yeah? Here, it's ringing.
Go on.
Hello? Hello, l'm calling fromSpeedy Wheelchairs.
We've got a wheelchair designed special for children with CMT and l was wondering if you had CMT.
Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease.
You don't? Forget it, then.
No, Buki.
That's a result, yeah? That means that your Lennox isn't with them.
- Right? - Yeah, right.
What we need is some clingfilm and a large (Clears throat) Bogey at six o'clock.
l'll expect to be back in funds by tomorrow morning.
Oh.
Can l do her horoscope now? Anyway, saucepan, clingfilm, plus sugar, fruit and yeast? You're after some rot gut, eh? No, it's for an organic beauty preparation.
Face mask.
lt will draw out some of the grime from this place.
l'm sure that Bev would be happy to give free tarot readings in exchange.
Or a portrait of your children.
Look, l ain't got no yeast.
You'll have to blag the tabs off the nurse.
But l'll see what l can put in a bag by the wheelie bins.
Thanks, Julie.
(Door opens) Oh, Sylvia.
l'm sorry.
l didn't mean to intrude.
You're not.
ll wanted to talk to you.
(Excitedly) Oh, did you? That's nice.
Why? lt's just that l know that as a man of the cloth, l should be comfortable handling emotional matters, but the truth is, when it's something as delicate as this, something as personal, well, l go to pieces a little.
Oh, Henry.
You lovely man.
- Don't be shy.
- No, Sylvia! (Clattering) - Well, this is the limit! - Get out, Hunt! - So you can molest him? - So l can what? - Barbara! - l tripped, that's all.
You've been following him like a schoolgirl.
l've done no such thing.
How dare you! Just a minute.
- You can hear.
- Yes, l can.
Perfectly.
And there have been times when l couldn't believe my ears.
- You devious - Ladies, please.
We are in God's house.
You've been spying on me.
Lying through your teeth.
lt's a pity you can't read the signs when a man's telling you he's not interested! l only wanted to help youas a friend.
Nothing more.
l don't know where you've both got these ludicrous ideas from.
And my poor Bobby not cold in his grave.
Hunt, if l hear a whisper of this nonsense on the wing, you can kiss your parole goodbye! l wondered if there was any kids with CMT who might need our wheelchair? A little boy? Well, how old is he? Yes! lt's him.
l've found him.
lt's Lennox! l said you would! l assume the telephone's public property again? l gotta write to him, tell him he's got a mum who loves him, that everything will be OK.
We can get one of the works guys to post it tonight.
(Sobbing) Sylvia? What's wrong? What's wrong? l've lost me husband, lost me house, l'll probably lose me job when this Linford bunch get here, l'll have to sleep on my daughter's couch tonight and she doesn't want me, never mind if my nerves can stand the noise of small boys.
l'd be better off alongside my Bobby.
Dead in the ground.
- You mustn't talk like that.
- (Sniffs) What's happened to your flat? l've been gazumped.
Can't you carry on staying with Henry? l thought you two were getting on well? Not any more.
He's not the man l thought.
lt's all finished.
Everything's turned rotten on me.
l can't trust anybody.
And Hunt being deaf, even that's an act.
Why don't you come and stay with me and Neil for a few days? Till you find somewhere else? Oh, no, l couldn't.
A couple of newlyweds like you.
You wouldn't want me in the way.
l wouldn't offer if l didn't mean it, Sylv.
And l'm the governor at home.
Thank you.
lf you're wondering where the chocolate wafers are, there aren't any.
- Your secretary ate them all.
- Hm? l'm not a grass, l just didn't want you to think it were me.
Right.
Thank you, Merriman.
Only l'd never do anything like that.
Give you me word.
lf l do, l'll never get permission for Ritchie to visit me.
You've got a lot to prove before l grant you that.
And any future visits will take place under strictly closed conditions.
Do you fancy going out tonight? Aren't you worried Gnasher might see me? You'll be all right if you're with me.
l want to talk about something.
No, Di, l am not giving you the opportunity to talk babies at me all night.
l've got plans.
- Like going on another manhunt? - Do you really wanna know? So you're just going to ignore these threats? Yeah, that's right.
l was thinking, when we escape, why don't we jump on the Orient Express to Venice? Oh, that would be wonderful! Might make up for having to put back the wedding.
The Church of England's stupid regulations.
l don't want to lose my job.
l'm breaking all the rules.
And l don't want to pretend we've just met.
Would they rather we lived in sin than were honest? lt's total hypocrisy.
You're absolutely right.
Why should we wait? Why don't we get married there? - Make it our honeymoon.
- ln Venice? - Oh, Henry.
- Just the two of us.
Lock-up in two minutes.
Fill your flask, Hunt.
(Woman) Rot in piss, Merriman! (2nd woman) Sick bitch! (3rd woman) Go frig yourself, slag! (4th woman) Yeah, go and play with yourself.
Yvonne, please, listen to me.
l know l've hurt Ritchie, but l love him, you know l do.
You know how much he needs me.
He'll be desperate, waiting to hear from me.
You've got to help me get a letter to him.
Forget it, Scarface.
lf you're gonna let him suffer even more, just because of your stupid pride Nice gaff! Shh! Shh! You'll wake the lodger.
You'd better give me something to shut me up, then.
(Men giggling) (Neil) Stop it No, no, no! (Giggling continues) You have a nice time last night? Pretty good, yeah.
You really wanted me to hear, didn't you? Morning.
- Tony, this is Di.
- Oh, your lodger.
Hi, Di.
l am not the sodding lodger! For your information, l'm his bloody wife! And l didn't sleep a wink listening to you two.
All night! - Tea or coffee, Tony? - l'll just grab a cab.
Nice to meet you.
Tony, wait! Wait! (Door closes) - Thank you very much.
- What do you expect? You knew exactly what to expect when you married me.
You can't treat me like l don't exist.
As far as my sex life is concerned, you don't.
This is my house, and l will do what l bloody well like in it! Yeah? Well, it's my car so you can ride your bike to bloody work.
And l'll be bringing a friend over tonight.
Quite a few nights, actually.
Great.
You finally found yourself a boyfriend? l mean Sylvia.
Just a minute, you two.
l'm still waiting for that money.
Are you? Oh, dear.
l'll call them again.
You know what banks are like once they get your money.
l know what cons are like when they do.
lf it's not there soon, you can kiss goodbye to your gardening jobs.
Yeah, hello? l was wondering, little Winston.
Did he get the letter l sent him yesterday? Yeah.
l'm his mum.
What? What do you mean? Hey! l'm talking to you, bitch! Buki.
- Jesus! - (Knock at door) About before.
l've a meeting.
l haven't time for a row.
l'm not here for a row.
lt's just that Sylvia's coming tonight and l don't want her walking into a war zone.
That is, if you are still coming home tonight? Yes.
l won't be going out.
Good.
So, you're not seeing Tony tonight, then? No.
Don't mess my papers up.
They're ready for Bostock.
- Look, about Sylvia - She's got nowhere to go.
l said she could stay until she gets herself sorted.
She's really looking forward to it, so l want you to be nice to her.
She's been through enough.
l am not a bloody waifs-and-strays home.
A bit of give and take.
That's all l'm asking, Neil.
lt won't be for long.
- (Phone) - lt had better not be.
Just as well you got your oats last night, then.
Yes? Two minutes.
Di, l really need to crack on.
OK, see you later.
Can't wait.
You put in a lot of detective work.
lt was inevitable we'd monitor one of the calls.
He's my little boy, miss.
l want him back.
l understand, Buki, but you know it's not possible.
You can't go harassing the care staff.
l know those places.
What if it's like where l was? What if someone's hurting him? Stop fantasising and start being honest with yourself.
Even if you weren't in prison, how would you manage, looking after a child with his condition? Do you know anything about CMT? lt means he's stuck in a wheelchair, innit? Not necessarily.
He could get better? You should find out about it before you leap to conclusions.
Then, one day, if Lennox wants to meet you, you'll be much better prepared.
Are you gonna help me find out about it? Are you gonna stop this stupid act and let me? (Phone) Well, whoever this Linford lot are, they'll need experienced people to run this dump.
Oh, dear, how clumsy! Now you'll have to start all over again with a fresh bucket.
Seem a bit twitchy, Sylv.
First in, aren't you? l thought it was supposed to be an informal chat.
Well, you could treat it like meeting a mate down the pub if you like.
You should be up there, shouldn't you? l've had more than 20 years' experience in this uniform.
l don't suppose they've got anything but a certificate in business studies.
There's only one way to run a prison - like Alcatraz, not flaming Asda.
(Sylvia) Oh, there's no doubt in my mind.
Linford Securities will be the best thing for Larkhall.
Do you think so? Why is that? Well, l've always prided myself on seeing my work as a vocation, not a job, which means the girls think of me as a mother as well as a jailer, you know.
But it seems to me that too many in the service cling to more Victorian values.
l think it's time we had some fresh ideas.
Exactly.
New blood.
You've been here quite a long time, haven't you? - Considering retirement? - Me? l have the body of a 30-year-old under this uniform.
(Cell door slams) Nowyou're married to number one governor.
Yes, l am.
We're very happy.
l'm sure you are.
But doesn't it pose problems? What sort of problems? Well, coming home, talking shop all night.
No, we don't really talk shop.
- (Cell door slams) - This is just a friendly chat? That's right.
Then maybe you can clarify something for me.
- Prisoner numbers go up, so do profits.
- Go on.
There are already women that shouldn't be here.
The majority, if you ask me.
So why would privatisation work better for even more of them? - Frankly, it's a dysfunctional system.
- Then why are you in it? Must still be kidding myself l can change it.
(Laughs) Well, you certainly know the job, Jim.
Yeah, l've seen it all, pretty much.
Mind you, l reckon you never stop learning.
You were injured by one of the women.
Took guts to come back.
Oh, that was an isolated incident.
On the whole, if you're fair with the women, they play straight by you.
Rules is rules, but jailcraft gets the job done.
You're not applying for your job, but the wing governor's.
Well, it's my old job.
l want it back.
There were some, erm, internal politics.
Differences with management.
- They walked the short plank, not me.
- l see.
l don't think l could do a worse job than the current boss.
l see.
lt's a lovely house, Di.
You're very lucky.
Yeah, l know.
Miss Betts said l should find out more about CMT.
Only l was thinking, what use is just finding out about it? What would really help is raising some money.
Yeah, we could do a sponsored run.
Yeah, from here to Dover! Good idea, Buki.
l think we should do our bit for charity as well.
Well, which one did you have in mind? Us, of course.
May we have a moment of your time? What is it? We've been hearing about young Buki's boy.
We were wondering about setting up a project.
What sort of project? We thought we might build a motorised wheelchair for him.
You two? Have we said something funny? You don't strike me as the engineering type.
My father was an engineer in the army.
lt's in the blood.
My second husband was in motor racing.
Over the years, l have had more oil sprayed over me than l have Chanel.
We thought the girls could get involved.
You know, teach them new skills, and do a bit of good at the same time.
Think what you need and let me know.
OK, that's lock-up, everybody.
Yeah? What do you want? Stop looking at me like something you trod in.
Think you smell sweeter now you've rolled in it? l never set out to split Dockley up from her kid.
l've got a boy myself.
l know what it's like.
You want me to feel sorry for you now? No.
Just don't go thinking you know me.
My whole family were crooks.
Dad nicking and drinking, sister on the game.
l got pushed to stay at school, help Mum fiddle her benefits.
So l got to choose this side of the bars.
Look, why are you telling me this? Like l'd give a toss? You'd better ring the Samaritans.
So l said to Mr Bostock, l said there is no substitute for experience in this job.
You can have ideas about running prisons, but it's on the landings that it counts.
l'm sure he was very impressed.
Well, l think it's bad luck to count your chickens, Neil, but l have every confidence.
l'm glad someone does.
Well, l couldn't eat another thing.
Are you sure? My Bobby used to say my steak pie would turn a Buddhist.
(Laughs) Delicious, but l'm quite full.
Me, too.
Well, if you two want an early night, you'll see what a good steak and kidney does for your love life.
(Laughs) Sylvia! My mother said you only get out of a man what you put in.
And you'll need to be a red-blooded male the rate her body clock's ticking, won't you? (Laughs) - Good night, Sylvia.
- Good night.
Oh, by the way.
l was admiring your leather cowboy trousers in the wardrobe.
l didn't realise you were into line dancing as well.
l'm not.
lt's just fancy dress.
Oh, and don't worry, l'm a very heavy sleeper, so (whispering) just carry on as usual.
This was a plot, wasn't it? To get into my bed.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Forget it, Di.
Sylvia's right, though.
- My clock is ticking.
- So's my clubbing clock.
The sooner your alarm goes off, the better.
l have given up everything for you with this marriage, Neil.
The least you can do is give me a baby.
lf you can't bear to touch me, we don't have to do it.
There's artificial insemination.
For Christ's sake, l'm not a prize bull! You're obsessed! - Shh! She'll hear you.
- l don't care if she does! Right now l feel like telling the whole world, ''l'm gay!'' Anything's better than this bloody sham of living with you! Who's been a naughty boy, then? l couldn't handle having a kid someone else would bring up.
No, not yours, Tony.
His.
Lots of women get pregnant this way.
All you have to do is collect the raw materials.
Will you help me?