Bewitched (1964) s05e05 Episode Script
It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House
Mother.
Good morning, darling.
I bring you greetings from the Witches' Council where you're needed immediately.
I'm fixing Darrin's breakfast.
Oh, now there's an earthshaking mission.
What a day wasn't it? - Mother was just leaving.
I'll go get the paper.
Excuse me.
Of course, Durweed.
- All right, Mother.
What's the problem? - The problem is that since you married that mortal, you've only made two appearances before the Witches' Council.
To say they're getting restless puts it mildly.
You may tell them that I do not choose to oblige.
I've too much to do around here today.
I know you've forgotten most of what you learned at my knee but you remember what the Council does to those who stand in their way.
Let them do their worst.
- What's that? - I hope it's their worst.
Mother.
Mother! He never looked better.
- Mother, do something.
- It's a Council move, Samantha.
There's nothing I can do.
But there's something you can do.
All right.
But first I'll have to ask Darrin if he minds.
- Ask? - Mother, that's what a wife does.
Tell him the truth.
I'm sure he'd rather do without you for a few hours than wind up a bird perch.
Mother, pop out.
Darrin, are you in there? Witches' Council, noble eight, clearly hear me as I state: In haste I'll fly to do my task but release the spell so I may ask.
Good news.
Mother just left.
You all right? No.
You know I don't like your mother popping in first thing in the morning.
A man's entitled to some privacy.
- What do you mean, am I all right? - Nothing.
What did old "double, double, toil and trouble" want? Really, Darrin.
You have such a suspicious mind.
- What was that? - Just a little bird.
Cute, huh? Come on inside.
I'll make breakfast.
Come on.
- Like it? - Are you gonna tell me or not? - You think I have something to say? - A little bird told me.
I have to appear at the Witches' Council.
I'd only be gone a few hours.
Samantha, let's get something straight.
First you're my wife.
Then you're a witch.
And a wife's place is with her husband.
Oh, good.
I guess that means you want me to play golf with you this afternoon.
You know what I mean.
I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.
Don't apologize if you have to leave before I finish dressing.
- Well? - I can't go.
You can't not go.
That's it.
Serena can appear before the Council and pretend she's me.
Samantha, you can fool all of the people some of the time and some people all of the time but don't try to put anything over on a witch.
- However - However? Serena certainly could fool Durwood.
Well, I'd hate to deceive him.
Well, that's because you haven't had enough practice.
Once you get the technique smoothed out, it's a groove.
- A groove? - I keep up.
Well, I guess I don't have any other choice.
I am here.
The heart has answers the eyes cannot see.
It is truly said, the wise man is he who hears the unlistened- for v oice.
What's that supposed to mean? The guru is a groove.
She keeps up too.
Serena, put the flowers down.
We need you.
A favour is the reach a soul can make.
- What's up? - You are.
And if you really want to be helpful, you'll get down here.
Serena, all you have to do is stay here for one afternoon pretend to be me, so Darrin won't know I've gone to a Council meeting.
What do I do? Just be a housewife for a few hours.
Serena, you owe me a lot of favours.
Here's a chance to clean the slate.
Okay.
Quit staring at me.
You know I'm right.
No husband would put up with his wife flying all over who-knows-where.
It's not like you're a stewardess.
If that crack about joining my foursome was supposed to make me feel guilty about playing golf today it didn't even make a dent.
You haven't much time, Samantha.
Now, remember, Serena, no witchcraft.
Witch's honour.
I'll be just like you: The perfect little wife.
- Don't overdo it.
- Don't worry.
Well, I'm on my way.
Behave yourself.
What do I do first, dust something? Look, I picked flowers.
Hi, Auntie Serena.
Where's Mommy? Tabitha, how would you like to go to the zoo? That would be fun.
Honestly.
The usual, Ernie.
Oh, and make it a double for old Arnie Palmer here.
- Knock it off.
- Are you Arnold Palmer? Say, how about taking a look at my grip? - I'm not Arnold Palmer.
- He is not Arnold Palmer.
- Are you? - No.
Then that must be me.
Boy, I sure have slipped.
You're upset.
- Anything you wanna talk about? - No.
- Sam, huh? - And I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, whatever it is, I've been there.
I've seen it all.
Twenty years in the loser's circle.
I was a heel this morning, a loudmouth, self-righteous dum-da-dum.
- That's "dum-dum.
" Thanks.
Well, we're all heels once in a while.
They force you into it.
It's not the same.
Sam is different.
Listen, Louise isn't Chicken Delight.
Take it from Uncle Larry.
Marriage is like the main event.
You gotta roll with the punches.
That old Wedded Bliss Special is off the track, so what do you do? You gotta get it back on the tracks.
What's? Tate's famous tête-à-tête, the honeymoon special guaranteed to solder a doddering marriage.
That's ridiculous.
A second honeymoon? Moonlight and laughter, just the two of you some romantic spot you used to go to.
Fill her with memories and champagne.
Forget the kid and the mortgage and - And the office? - You don't have to overdo it.
Larry, are you offering me a vacation? Darrin, anything that can't be done over a weekend isn't worth doing.
Thanks, Larry.
I'm going home right now and start putting my marriage back on the right track.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
- It is? - Not because I approve but because I've been a stubborn, willful, unreasonable boor.
Till I've made it up to you you can do all the witchcraft you want.
What are you doing home? I felt so badly about the way I acted this morning - You did? I didn't even finish my golf game.
- You didn't? - And I wanna make up.
You do? How? - I'll tell you in the car.
- What car? - Where are we going? - I thought we might take a little drive.
No.
No, no, no, I couldn't possibly.
I have to finish the housework.
Go ahead.
Just give a little zap while I go upstairs and change.
It's a good thing your mother took Tabitha after all.
We're free as the birds.
And the bees.
Darling, marriage is an institution, not a vacation resort.
- He's back from his golf game.
- Oh, no.
It's worse.
He wants to take me for a ride.
What does that mean? - He wants to make up.
- Oh, I know what that means.
- What am I going to do? - Ready, honey.
You'd better do what Samantha would do.
- What's that? - Anything he says.
Well, we've certainly had our little drive and I feel better.
But it's getting late, so let's go home.
We have no home.
We're gypsies, free and unfettered.
Darrin, I really think we should head home.
Relax, honey.
Forget about the house and the baby.
There's just you and me and Mother Nature.
Boy, that's some threesome.
Isn't there anything else on the radio? That's the perfect music.
Perfect? For what? You'll see.
Where are we? Sam, you can't make me believe you've forgotten where we spent our honeymoon? Honeymoon? "Moonthatch Inn"? Oh, hello, hello, hello, my little lovebirds, hello.
So, you have flown back to the nest.
It's good to see you, Madame Wageir.
Sam? Ye lt was nice seeing you again, Madame Wageir.
Goodbye.
Of course.
"Goodbye.
" I understand.
Do not worry.
I disappear.
No one know how to disappear like Madame Wageir.
I do.
But I won't.
Serena, I'm home.
I got back early.
Serena? Serena, you're off the hook.
So, it is perfect.
At Moonthatch Inn, love begin.
The key to happiness.
And now: I disappear.
Well here we are.
I noticed.
Now let's go home.
We can come back tomorrow.
We're not going anywhere until we've had a heart-to-heart talk.
One, I apologize for this morning.
I was selfish, and I'm sorry.
Two, I know you'll forgive me.
Three, we're going to have a beautiful weekend here together.
Weekend? We can't.
- The baby.
- We'll call Endora and receive her undying gratitude for getting to baby-sit all weekend.
- Don't.
L I mean, they're probably not back from the zoo yet.
You're right.
Anyway, we shouldn't interrupt this moment even with a phone call, sweetheart.
Look! - Lunch.
I'm starved.
- Well, that's good.
We'll need our strength for those long walks out on the dunes.
Remember? The crashing of the surf There's an idea.
Let's go take a long walk on the dunes.
Well, I'm tired from the drive.
What about getting into something comfortable? How about the car? That's comfortable.
Sam, I don't mean to sound melodramatic but there's something precious at stake.
You don't know the half of it.
Sam, please.
I'll go down to the car.
I packed a bag for us.
Now there's nothing more to be said.
We're going to spend the weekend here together.
- And that's it? - And that's it.
Well, if that's it You try to relax.
- Okay, Sam, I get the picture.
- No, you don't, really.
Don't make it worse.
Let's not lie to each other.
It isn't what you think.
I mean l'm just not myself today.
Hey you're not feeling shy about all this, are you? That's it.
I'm shy.
So let's go home.
Honey, it's me, the fella you said "I do" to.
I know I did, but I don't now.
So let's go home? - You're still mad.
- No, I'm not, really.
And I'll prove it to you.
Not now.
Later.
Mother, I knew I shouldn't have gone.
- Well, you did what you had to.
- But it's after 6.
Where are they? Surely you're not worried about what's-his-name being with Serena? No.
Course not.
There they are.
I think you better pop out until you can effect a transfer with Serena.
Yeah.
Right.
Tabitha is waiting up to say night-night.
Oh, you You go ahead, sweetheart.
I'll be up in a minute.
Isn't she back yet? - Hi.
- Boy, am I glad to see you.
Serena, what happened? Some other time.
I just want to go off somewhere and meditate.
Serena, hold it.
Wh What happened? Where were you? Moonthatch Inn.
Moonthatch Inn? Where we spent our honeymoon? Moonthatch Inn, where perfection reigns and luckily, the sun never sets.
What's that supposed to mean? It means, the next time you need a stand-in around here do me a favour and call a theatrical agent.
- Did you have a good time at the zoo? - Yes.
What did Auntie Serena bring me? Auntie Serena's not here, dear.
She was here this morning with Grandmama.
Are you sure? I asked her where Mommy was and that's when Grandmama took me to the zoo.
Should I tell you about the animals? You already have, sweetheart.
You You've been awfully quiet all evening.
Just thinking.
About today Well, I hope you understand, I wasn't quite Well, if If I was a little funny, I'm sorry.
- Funny? - You know withdrawn, coolish.
You call that withdrawn? I wasn't withdrawn? You want me to tell you that you were mysterious and exciting that I never found you more adorable and desirable.
Well, I won't, because, frankly l'm just too tired.
So good night, you wench, you.
Good night, Darrin.
How'd things go at the Council meeting? Oh, everything went fine.
L - You knew all the time! - Now, hold it! Sam - Darrin, that was so mean! - I give up.
I give up.
I give up.
- I give up.
- Well, okay.
- So do I.
I shouldn't have sneaked out.
- I shouldn't have said no.
No.
No, you were right.
I said I'd only attend meetings here.
I should've stuck to it.
And I should have taken you back to Moonthatch Inn a long time ago.
How about next weekend? What do you say? "There is no time or place where love transcends.
" That's guru talk.
Serena taught me.
Yeah, what does it mean? It means Moonthatch Inn begins at home.
Good morning, darling.
I bring you greetings from the Witches' Council where you're needed immediately.
I'm fixing Darrin's breakfast.
Oh, now there's an earthshaking mission.
What a day wasn't it? - Mother was just leaving.
I'll go get the paper.
Excuse me.
Of course, Durweed.
- All right, Mother.
What's the problem? - The problem is that since you married that mortal, you've only made two appearances before the Witches' Council.
To say they're getting restless puts it mildly.
You may tell them that I do not choose to oblige.
I've too much to do around here today.
I know you've forgotten most of what you learned at my knee but you remember what the Council does to those who stand in their way.
Let them do their worst.
- What's that? - I hope it's their worst.
Mother.
Mother! He never looked better.
- Mother, do something.
- It's a Council move, Samantha.
There's nothing I can do.
But there's something you can do.
All right.
But first I'll have to ask Darrin if he minds.
- Ask? - Mother, that's what a wife does.
Tell him the truth.
I'm sure he'd rather do without you for a few hours than wind up a bird perch.
Mother, pop out.
Darrin, are you in there? Witches' Council, noble eight, clearly hear me as I state: In haste I'll fly to do my task but release the spell so I may ask.
Good news.
Mother just left.
You all right? No.
You know I don't like your mother popping in first thing in the morning.
A man's entitled to some privacy.
- What do you mean, am I all right? - Nothing.
What did old "double, double, toil and trouble" want? Really, Darrin.
You have such a suspicious mind.
- What was that? - Just a little bird.
Cute, huh? Come on inside.
I'll make breakfast.
Come on.
- Like it? - Are you gonna tell me or not? - You think I have something to say? - A little bird told me.
I have to appear at the Witches' Council.
I'd only be gone a few hours.
Samantha, let's get something straight.
First you're my wife.
Then you're a witch.
And a wife's place is with her husband.
Oh, good.
I guess that means you want me to play golf with you this afternoon.
You know what I mean.
I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.
Don't apologize if you have to leave before I finish dressing.
- Well? - I can't go.
You can't not go.
That's it.
Serena can appear before the Council and pretend she's me.
Samantha, you can fool all of the people some of the time and some people all of the time but don't try to put anything over on a witch.
- However - However? Serena certainly could fool Durwood.
Well, I'd hate to deceive him.
Well, that's because you haven't had enough practice.
Once you get the technique smoothed out, it's a groove.
- A groove? - I keep up.
Well, I guess I don't have any other choice.
I am here.
The heart has answers the eyes cannot see.
It is truly said, the wise man is he who hears the unlistened- for v oice.
What's that supposed to mean? The guru is a groove.
She keeps up too.
Serena, put the flowers down.
We need you.
A favour is the reach a soul can make.
- What's up? - You are.
And if you really want to be helpful, you'll get down here.
Serena, all you have to do is stay here for one afternoon pretend to be me, so Darrin won't know I've gone to a Council meeting.
What do I do? Just be a housewife for a few hours.
Serena, you owe me a lot of favours.
Here's a chance to clean the slate.
Okay.
Quit staring at me.
You know I'm right.
No husband would put up with his wife flying all over who-knows-where.
It's not like you're a stewardess.
If that crack about joining my foursome was supposed to make me feel guilty about playing golf today it didn't even make a dent.
You haven't much time, Samantha.
Now, remember, Serena, no witchcraft.
Witch's honour.
I'll be just like you: The perfect little wife.
- Don't overdo it.
- Don't worry.
Well, I'm on my way.
Behave yourself.
What do I do first, dust something? Look, I picked flowers.
Hi, Auntie Serena.
Where's Mommy? Tabitha, how would you like to go to the zoo? That would be fun.
Honestly.
The usual, Ernie.
Oh, and make it a double for old Arnie Palmer here.
- Knock it off.
- Are you Arnold Palmer? Say, how about taking a look at my grip? - I'm not Arnold Palmer.
- He is not Arnold Palmer.
- Are you? - No.
Then that must be me.
Boy, I sure have slipped.
You're upset.
- Anything you wanna talk about? - No.
- Sam, huh? - And I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, whatever it is, I've been there.
I've seen it all.
Twenty years in the loser's circle.
I was a heel this morning, a loudmouth, self-righteous dum-da-dum.
- That's "dum-dum.
" Thanks.
Well, we're all heels once in a while.
They force you into it.
It's not the same.
Sam is different.
Listen, Louise isn't Chicken Delight.
Take it from Uncle Larry.
Marriage is like the main event.
You gotta roll with the punches.
That old Wedded Bliss Special is off the track, so what do you do? You gotta get it back on the tracks.
What's? Tate's famous tête-à-tête, the honeymoon special guaranteed to solder a doddering marriage.
That's ridiculous.
A second honeymoon? Moonlight and laughter, just the two of you some romantic spot you used to go to.
Fill her with memories and champagne.
Forget the kid and the mortgage and - And the office? - You don't have to overdo it.
Larry, are you offering me a vacation? Darrin, anything that can't be done over a weekend isn't worth doing.
Thanks, Larry.
I'm going home right now and start putting my marriage back on the right track.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
- It is? - Not because I approve but because I've been a stubborn, willful, unreasonable boor.
Till I've made it up to you you can do all the witchcraft you want.
What are you doing home? I felt so badly about the way I acted this morning - You did? I didn't even finish my golf game.
- You didn't? - And I wanna make up.
You do? How? - I'll tell you in the car.
- What car? - Where are we going? - I thought we might take a little drive.
No.
No, no, no, I couldn't possibly.
I have to finish the housework.
Go ahead.
Just give a little zap while I go upstairs and change.
It's a good thing your mother took Tabitha after all.
We're free as the birds.
And the bees.
Darling, marriage is an institution, not a vacation resort.
- He's back from his golf game.
- Oh, no.
It's worse.
He wants to take me for a ride.
What does that mean? - He wants to make up.
- Oh, I know what that means.
- What am I going to do? - Ready, honey.
You'd better do what Samantha would do.
- What's that? - Anything he says.
Well, we've certainly had our little drive and I feel better.
But it's getting late, so let's go home.
We have no home.
We're gypsies, free and unfettered.
Darrin, I really think we should head home.
Relax, honey.
Forget about the house and the baby.
There's just you and me and Mother Nature.
Boy, that's some threesome.
Isn't there anything else on the radio? That's the perfect music.
Perfect? For what? You'll see.
Where are we? Sam, you can't make me believe you've forgotten where we spent our honeymoon? Honeymoon? "Moonthatch Inn"? Oh, hello, hello, hello, my little lovebirds, hello.
So, you have flown back to the nest.
It's good to see you, Madame Wageir.
Sam? Ye lt was nice seeing you again, Madame Wageir.
Goodbye.
Of course.
"Goodbye.
" I understand.
Do not worry.
I disappear.
No one know how to disappear like Madame Wageir.
I do.
But I won't.
Serena, I'm home.
I got back early.
Serena? Serena, you're off the hook.
So, it is perfect.
At Moonthatch Inn, love begin.
The key to happiness.
And now: I disappear.
Well here we are.
I noticed.
Now let's go home.
We can come back tomorrow.
We're not going anywhere until we've had a heart-to-heart talk.
One, I apologize for this morning.
I was selfish, and I'm sorry.
Two, I know you'll forgive me.
Three, we're going to have a beautiful weekend here together.
Weekend? We can't.
- The baby.
- We'll call Endora and receive her undying gratitude for getting to baby-sit all weekend.
- Don't.
L I mean, they're probably not back from the zoo yet.
You're right.
Anyway, we shouldn't interrupt this moment even with a phone call, sweetheart.
Look! - Lunch.
I'm starved.
- Well, that's good.
We'll need our strength for those long walks out on the dunes.
Remember? The crashing of the surf There's an idea.
Let's go take a long walk on the dunes.
Well, I'm tired from the drive.
What about getting into something comfortable? How about the car? That's comfortable.
Sam, I don't mean to sound melodramatic but there's something precious at stake.
You don't know the half of it.
Sam, please.
I'll go down to the car.
I packed a bag for us.
Now there's nothing more to be said.
We're going to spend the weekend here together.
- And that's it? - And that's it.
Well, if that's it You try to relax.
- Okay, Sam, I get the picture.
- No, you don't, really.
Don't make it worse.
Let's not lie to each other.
It isn't what you think.
I mean l'm just not myself today.
Hey you're not feeling shy about all this, are you? That's it.
I'm shy.
So let's go home.
Honey, it's me, the fella you said "I do" to.
I know I did, but I don't now.
So let's go home? - You're still mad.
- No, I'm not, really.
And I'll prove it to you.
Not now.
Later.
Mother, I knew I shouldn't have gone.
- Well, you did what you had to.
- But it's after 6.
Where are they? Surely you're not worried about what's-his-name being with Serena? No.
Course not.
There they are.
I think you better pop out until you can effect a transfer with Serena.
Yeah.
Right.
Tabitha is waiting up to say night-night.
Oh, you You go ahead, sweetheart.
I'll be up in a minute.
Isn't she back yet? - Hi.
- Boy, am I glad to see you.
Serena, what happened? Some other time.
I just want to go off somewhere and meditate.
Serena, hold it.
Wh What happened? Where were you? Moonthatch Inn.
Moonthatch Inn? Where we spent our honeymoon? Moonthatch Inn, where perfection reigns and luckily, the sun never sets.
What's that supposed to mean? It means, the next time you need a stand-in around here do me a favour and call a theatrical agent.
- Did you have a good time at the zoo? - Yes.
What did Auntie Serena bring me? Auntie Serena's not here, dear.
She was here this morning with Grandmama.
Are you sure? I asked her where Mommy was and that's when Grandmama took me to the zoo.
Should I tell you about the animals? You already have, sweetheart.
You You've been awfully quiet all evening.
Just thinking.
About today Well, I hope you understand, I wasn't quite Well, if If I was a little funny, I'm sorry.
- Funny? - You know withdrawn, coolish.
You call that withdrawn? I wasn't withdrawn? You want me to tell you that you were mysterious and exciting that I never found you more adorable and desirable.
Well, I won't, because, frankly l'm just too tired.
So good night, you wench, you.
Good night, Darrin.
How'd things go at the Council meeting? Oh, everything went fine.
L - You knew all the time! - Now, hold it! Sam - Darrin, that was so mean! - I give up.
I give up.
I give up.
- I give up.
- Well, okay.
- So do I.
I shouldn't have sneaked out.
- I shouldn't have said no.
No.
No, you were right.
I said I'd only attend meetings here.
I should've stuck to it.
And I should have taken you back to Moonthatch Inn a long time ago.
How about next weekend? What do you say? "There is no time or place where love transcends.
" That's guru talk.
Serena taught me.
Yeah, what does it mean? It means Moonthatch Inn begins at home.