Black-ish (2014) s05e05 Episode Script

1 DRE: No matter who you are or where you're from, there's one thing we all have in common.
- [Bell tolling.]
- We're all going to die.
[Bird caws.]
And every culture has its own way of saying goodbye to their loved ones.
- Take the Vikings.
- [Horn blares.]
They'd send their dead out on a wooden boat, then shoot it with a burning arrow.
Super cool unless you went to summer camp across the lake.
Greek widows wear all black for the rest of their lives, as if to say, "I'm never going to stop mourning my husband, - and I'm not mad at looking slim.
" - [Camera shutters clicking.]
Here's how we do it in America.
You can post one memorial on your Instagram for likes.
You get a couple of casseroles hopefully not vegan.
After that, anything you put on Facebook is just a bummer [Mouse clicks.]
because no matter how much you love that person you lost [Sobbing.]
life goes on [Knock on door.]
except when it doesn't.
[Voice breaking.]
Andre.
[Sighs.]
[Inhales sharply, sobs.]
Okay.
[Chuckles.]
Bow! Your mom's here! [Sobs.]
- I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
- No, it's okay.
That's why we wanted you to be here for Dad's birthday so we could support you.
And we're here for you, anything you need.
Like, if you need this to be a mother-daughter moment, I can go to the Clipper game.
Oh, no, it's good for you to be here.
Your pheromones are just like Paul's.
- I - Yep.
[Inhales deeply.]
Ah.
Great.
Glad me and my arm could be here for you.
- He means it.
He means it.
- Yeah.
If you can believe it, Mom, he's been amazing.
Yeah.
It's been very unlike me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
This is my first time back at your house - without your father.
- I know.
It's been It's been really hard.
It has.
But he is alive in our hearts.
And you know what I've been doing with the kids? - Every week, we have been making - Mm-hmm.
the famous Pasta a la Paul together.
And I even taught them how to say, - "That's a-spicy meat-a-ball!" - "Spicy meat-a-ball!" Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh.
All the rigatoni in the world ain't gonna help you.
You need to grieve the right way.
- Yes, Ruby.
- Uh-huh.
- We all know how you grieve.
- Mm-hmm.
[Shouts.]
All right, it's go time.
Mama, it's not that kind of funeral! Yeah, well, every funeral is that kind of funeral! - Oh, no! - Aah! - [Thuds.]
- [Crowd murmurs.]
Mama, that was your mechanic.
- Was it? - Yeah.
Hm.
I haven't thought about him since.
Anyway, that's the way you grieve.
That's the way you move on.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Ruby, thanks.
Is she right? Does she seem right? What you need to do is go upstairs and relax.
And then, tomorrow, all of us together, we're gonna make Pasta a la Paul.
- That sounds lovely.
- Yeah.
Dre, you don't mind if I lie down in your bed, - do you? - Uh, of course not.
You know, anything you need.
You know, just just stay on the right side of the bed, on top of the covers.
I can't believe it.
I feel so bad for her.
Dre, she she spent every minute - Mm - with my dad, and and now she's got to sleep in that king-sized hammock all by herself? Wow.
God, I'm so I'm so lucky I have work, the kids, and you to keep me strong.
Aww, babe.
I keep you strong? Eh, well It's just what you say.
Yeah.
Oh, guys, guess what.
I forgot.
I have three tickets to an MMA fight.
- Seriously? - That's awesome! Well, one's for me, and one's for my Nana Jean, so technically, I only have one ticket.
Wow.
Sounds like you kids have a conundrum.
Dude, were you just waiting in the hallway? I'm supervising.
One foot on the floor 90 degrees, open the door.
You feel me, Chief? Good.
Anyways who wants to go? - Ooh, me! - Me, obviously! Sorry you'll have to miss it, Diane.
I'm not missing it.
You're missing it.
You don't even know anything about MMA.
That is not true.
I love Mixed Man Action.
Mm-hmm.
See what I'm saying? Diane it is.
Meet me at my house at 5:00 on Saturday.
Okay.
Jack, if I get "Yo Gabba Gabba!" tickets, - I'll call you.
- [Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
Here you go.
And, uh Ohh, what's wrong, Dre? Ah, don't tell me.
You finally got the bill for all your man jewelry? No.
Bow's mother is staying with us for the first time since Bow's father died, and she is really depressed.
I don't want to sound insensitive, but I hate her.
Bow's dad is the white parent, right? - Yeah.
- Dear God, Dre! She has suffered a terrible loss.
We all have.
Every time a white man dies, we move one step closer to a majority-minority America.
Grief is devastating.
I was torn apart when my mother died.
- Mnh.
- So young and vibrant.
123 years just just isn't enough.
Yeah.
Death is hardest for the people left behind.
I don't want any of you guys to be sad after I die.
- Don't worry.
- We're good.
I don't know your last name.
Stop.
I know you guys are just messing with me.
Seriously, we're not.
Is it Manzoukis? Ha, ha.
So, to help you guys get through it, I have created an elaborate scavenger hunt that will lead you to a secret location only I know.
The first one there will win a hidden treasure, if you manage to find it.
It's taped to the bottom of this table, isn't it? No.
[Tape peels.]
Oh, yes, it is.
Look, Josh actually makes a good point in a sad and pathetic way.
It is important to have a plan.
I knew a guy who wanted a mausoleum as his final resting spot, but his son buried him in an unmarked grave in a potter's field just to keep all that extra money.
That's awful.
Eh.
On the bright side, I got to keep all that extra money.
So, Dre, uh, what does your dad think you're gonna do? You know, I don't know what Pops wants.
We've never really talked about it.
I don't care what you do when I'm dead.
I'll be dead.
- Really? - Yeah.
All you need is a pine box and a shovel.
Matter of fact, you don't even need the pine box.
Come on, Pops.
I'm trying to talk to you about something real here.
Mm-hmm.
[Tapping on table.]
Fine.
I won't even bury you.
I'll put you out on the curb next to the Christmas tree.
Or you could feed me to that weird dog you insisted on getting.
[Dog panting.]
Or I could send your body to UCLA and have them study your liver.
Or you could throw me off a boat like they allegedly did Osama bin Laden.
Or I could put you in Junior's bed and say, "What did you do?!" - I think you got a handle on it.
- [Laughs.]
Look, I keep $45 in a coffee can back there.
If you need more money than that, you're doing it wrong.
Ah, well, $45 is more than I expected to get from you, anyway.
[Chuckles.]
Got him.
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms That's it, baby! Come here! - [Laughs.]
- You're doing great! What's happening? - Yeah.
- Huh? I was feeling blue, and Ruby came to sit with me.
Sure did.
Stick around.
We're about to move on to the wailing - and the gnashing of teeth.
- Okay.
I haven't sung that song since I was a little girl and went to church with my grandma.
Aww.
You must've been so cute when you were black.
- Ruby.
- Huh? Would you mind excusing us for just just a moment? Well, fine, yeah.
If you want to rend your garments, - you know where I'll be.
- Oh, yes.
Thank you so much.
Mom what's going on? You're singing hymns from Western religions and praying to gods with only two arms.
You're sitting with Ruby.
I'm worried about you.
[Voice breaking.]
I know.
I'm struggling.
- I know.
It's really hard.
- [Sighs heavily, sniffles.]
But you always taught me to believe that our loved ones don't really ever leave us.
That's what's gotten me through.
I'm glad, but I can't live by that right now, especially with your father's birthday coming.
I know.
We used to do so many fun things to celebrate.
You know what? We still can.
Okay, everybody, we are going to throw a giant birthday party for my dad.
- What? - Yeah.
Level with me.
Will there be ghosts other than Grandpa at this party? Because if I see him dancing with Nancy Reagan, I'm gonna lose it.
Uhh Oh, my God.
So, why are we throwing a birthday party for Grandpa? It's the perfect way for my mom to celebrate his life.
You guys know how my dad loved Hawaii, right? Well, I was thinking we would throw him a luau.
A luau? Don't worry.
It's not gonna be what you think.
Well, I'm thinking a pig on a spit in my backyard and a gang of your parents' weird white friends.
Well, then it's going to be exactly what you think.
Sorry, Mom.
This just doesn't make any sense.
Okay, Jack, you say the same thing about getting out of the pool to pee.
The house is too far.
So, are, um, Grandma and Grandpa's nudist friends gonna be there? - I-I - 'Cause I am not sure I am prepared to see how time ravages the body.
- Good question.
- Gross.
Hard pass.
Okay, we are going to get behind this for Grandma, okay? Saturday night is gonna be fun.
- Saturday? - Yeah.
[Devante coos.]
I just think a Sunday party would be more fun, right? - What - "Sunday Funday"! That rhymes.
It works.
"Saturday Funday"? What are we doing? We are doing the party on Saturday.
Do not argue with your mother.
A naked Sunday luau party for a dead man sounds crazy.
That's me getting behind you, all right? Keeping you strong.
So, I guess there's no MMA for you.
Bad break, Diane.
You're probably gonna miss a bad break.
No.
I am going to that fight.
And you guys are gonna cover for me so Mom never finds out.
No way.
I mean, Mom is going through a lot right now.
If we make her upset, she could become untethered, like Meryl Streep in a comedy.
For once in your life, can you stop being her son and start being my brother? Ah.
So, I'm supposed to choose, like Meryl Streep in a drama.
This is your only chance to have a sister who loves you.
- What about Zoey? - Come on.
Don't act like you don't know the answer to that.
Okay.
So, if I help you, will you call me "big bro"? I won't commit to anything.
Sounds like we have a deal.
[Hawaiian music plays.]
[Sighs.]
[Light laughter, indistinct conversations.]
Aloha.
And aloha to you.
- And Oh, sir, aloha.
- [Chuckles.]
Oh, arigato.
No.
You're supposed to say "mahalo.
" Oh.
I-I'm not leaving.
[Laughs.]
Look at this.
Look at all this.
- Yes.
- Come on.
Look what I did.
- Aww.
- Ahh.
My dad's favorite things everywhere.
Hey.
I got to give it to you, babe.
- You did a really good job.
- Thank you.
And the amount that I don't like this means your dad would be very happy.
[Laughter.]
- Look, look, look, look, look.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, my mom is laughing.
My mom is laughing and smiling.
That is exactly what I wanted.
- I did it.
- Oh, okay.
Aloha.
- Oh, aloha, cousin Gary! - I brought beer.
My favorite.
- Because everybody else brought crystals.
- [Chuckles.]
- Aunt Alicia.
- Oh, my.
Hey, I wanted you to have this picture of me and Paul - at the Grand Canyon.
- Aww! RAINBOW: Look at you and Dad's finger.
- ALICIA: That's my Paul's trademark.
- I know.
Hey, Gary.
Come here, man.
You should get one of these shirts.
Be careful of the top pocket.
It's like Snoop Dogg's pajama top.
Okay.
That one is from Tahiti.
This one is from Maui.
Every shirt tells a story.
Oh, well, this one tells the story that natural deodorant is a lie.
Shall we? - [Laughs.]
- He's being a smart aleck.
That shirt's stinky, Mom.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, hey.
Ohh! You guys look so handsome.
And aloha to you.
- Aloha.
- Oh, and aloha to you.
- JACK: Aloha.
- Where's Diane? Uh Diane.
Um - She's in the bathroom.
- Oh, okay, cool.
Will you give her that? - Yep.
- Thank you very much.
Aloha.
Dude, that was brilliant.
How did you think of that? I mean, I had nothing.
Got you.
Wow.
[Mid-tempo music playing.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
RAINBOW: Hey! Hi! Good to see you! Oh, this is over for you people.
Hmph.
Don't let all this fool you, old man, all right? We are definitely not throwing you a party when you go.
Oh, I hope not.
Hmm.
Six months after I'm gone, I shouldn't even come up in conversation unless it's amongst my, uh, grieving tenderonis.
Oh, yeah.
There's gonna be a whole lot of wig snatching when they find out they're not the only one.
- Mm, that reminds me.
- Hmm? My phone's contact list alone could ruin many lives, son.
If you love me, throw it in the microwave.
Mm-hmm.
Got you, Pops.
Aah! Look at Mom! Look at Mom dancing and having such a good time.
Hi! Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
Look at all this carrying on.
It's blasphemous.
- Come on, Ruby.
- Mnh-mnh.
It's like you're daring this white man to come back and haunt us all.
- Okay, Mama - Hmm? that's crazy.
But true.
[Chuckles.]
- But crazy.
- But true.
- [Groans.]
- No.
Devil, come out.
POPS: Hey, hey.
What's wrong with these people? Why are they dancing in groups instead of couples? - Huh.
- They're polyamorous.
- Who am I to judge these people? - Don't judge them.
So, let's raise a glass to Grandpa Paul from all of us.
From Zoey, who couldn't be here, and Jack, who is right here, and Diane, who who, uh Who has a leg cramp and is out front walking it off right now.
To Grandpa Paul.
ALL: Grandpa Paul.
- All right.
- So good.
This party is more incredible than I could ever have imagined.
- Thank you, honey.
You - Ohh, Mom! - Thank you.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
This is what I wanted.
I wanted you happy.
It's just It's beautiful.
- Okay.
- Well, here's our mom.
- Thank you.
You guys were amazing.
- Thank you.
Beautiful, very handsome young men.
Uh, aloha, everybody.
ALL: Aloha! So, I thought I would just share a little story about my dad, um, that will probably explain the giant popcorn maker.
[Chuckles.]
My dad loved popcorn.
He loved all different kinds of popcorn.
My dad especially loved movie-theater popcorn.
[Chuckles.]
So, we would go to the movies whenever he could.
As an excuse, he would take me to any movie that came out.
So we went to "Airplane!" uh, "Stir Crazy," and then "Caddyshack.
" And then I loved it so much that I begged him to take me back to see "Caddyshack," right, and we went every night for an entire month.
[Laughing.]
Every night just 'cause it made me happy.
Oh! Anyway, so, every time I go home, we watch it together.
So Oh.
Oh, God.
[Voice breaking.]
Well, we we did.
We did watch it together every time I would go home.
Anyway, so now, I've been watching it with the kids.
And we do And we do all of our favorite lines together, like, you know, back and forth, 'cause it makes me feel like he's he's here with us.
[Whimpers.]
I'm so sorry.
This was supposed to be a happy I just He's gone.
He's gone.
Never gonna be do able to do any of those things with him again.
So, anyway, I'm sorry.
- Oh! - [Microphone feedback.]
[Whimpers.]
Pops, are you crying? [Crying.]
No.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, I am.
All right, I'll be back, Pops.
The whole point of this night was to cheer you up.
I totally failed.
Honey, everything about tonight - was incredible.
- Was it? It's like your father was everywhere! I even found a memento in my pocket.
Did you? I remember, when we were in Morocco, - your father stepped on this - Oh.
barefoot.
He was not a shoe guy.
- We got asked to leave many restaurants.
- [Laughs.]
It all just snuck up on me, Mom.
Yeah, you've been working so hard to keep him alive, you haven't totally faced the fact that he's not with us anymore.
Nope.
Just let go of the pressure to be strong and make a space to feel it.
Ruby was right.
- [Gasps.]
- No.
You can never tell her.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Hey.
You, uh You want to talk about what happened out there? Wasn't planning on it.
I get it.
We're Johnson men.
That's not our way.
We're stoic.
Yeah, suffer in silence.
You're doing a lot of talking for somebody whose way it isn't.
Hey, Pops, I'm just saying, I get why you don't want to talk about death.
Death is scary, and talking about it makes it real.
I know it's real, dummy.
It's death.
Look, seeing Bow standing up there crying made me realize that my death isn't going to be about me.
It's going to be about you.
You're going to be the one standing up there crying.
And if you want to know what my wishes are so that you can move on, I'd like to give that to you, son.
Thanks, Pops.
First, I want to be buried right here in L.
A.
That way, you can come visit and we can have a drink and you can keep me up on all the family business.
Sounds good.
For my funeral, all this backyard business may be good enough for Tommy Bahama.
For me, you rent a hall and a place that's just a little too small so not everybody can get in.
You hear me? You got it.
- Whatever you do - Mm-hmm? do not bury me next to your mother.
And if I die first, you don't tell her I'm dead until after you bury me, 'cause I think she might want to do bad things to my body.
[Inhales sharply.]
I could see that.
- Ruby.
- Yes? Thank you so much for everything you did for me.
You're welcome.
I'm glad I could save the day.
No, I I actually saved the day.
It w It was the party and all the stories that helped my mom.
Yeah, but you only felt better after you ugly-cried through that party the way the Lord would have wanted.
Yes, uh - You win.
- Damn straight I did.
[Scoffs.]
You made faces I'll never forget, looking like the mask of comedy and tragedy at the same time.
Hey.
Come on, Alicia.
Let's go get my keyboard out and sing.
"Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross" has been burning in my throat all day.
Come on.
Let's go get it out.
Ruby, it's a kind offer, but I don't pray to Jesus.
- I pray to Hafez - Oh.
- the Sufi poet and mystic.
- That's right.
Come for me, bitch.
So, this fighter Saji dropped a vertical elbow on Maserati Doug's scalp.
A-bam! Blood everywhere, stained the mat.
Wow.
Wow.
That sounds like something I'm definitely ready to see.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Right.
So, how was the covering for me? Um Uh, we I didn't know what to say.
Junior was great, totally handled everything.
- [Sighs.]
- Well, that is awesome.
You're the best big bro ever.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
Oh, and I brought you guys some gifts.
- Are those teeth? - Mm-hmm.
I caught them when they bounced out the cage.
Cool! - They're still warm! - [Gags.]