Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e05 Episode Script

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": - Hello, you two, come on in.
- Thank you, kind proprietor.
Don't touch anything.
She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody.
Just her sister.
Boy, is she in for a surprise! Who are you? You know Walsh pumped chemicals into us? You got more than anyone.
- I'm taking you to the doctor.
- The one from the government who did this? All patched up.
How's it going in there? Good.
Back to normal.
I love you so much.
- I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
- I've always wanted piano lessons.
Who's surprised we have all this unexpressed rage? But, honestly, I think I'm expressing mine better.
Tell you what.
You find yourself a good anger-management class, and I'll jam this poky wood stick through your heart.
That sets the world speed record for closure.
Hey.
If you're looking for one of those rave parties, I'm afraid you're late.
- Chased a bunch of kids out last night.
- Oh, right.
Yeah.
Darn.
My fellow ravers will be so disappointed.
It was my turn to bring the Bundt cake.
If it was my call, I'd letyou do whatever.
It's not like anybody's using this place or nothin'.
They just don't pay enough to argue with the boss.
- Already gone.
- Hold it, miss.
Take your, whatever this is, with you.
Thank you.
Glow balls, huh? I swear, I don't getyour generation.
Now what is that thing? I'll letyou know as soon as I find out.
- Dawn, touch nothing.
- Who died and made you the Iron Chef? Mom's sick and I made her a nice non-instant breakfast for once.
I don't need you Oops! - doing that.
- Morning, guys.
Check out the pamper-Mom platter.
- You two do all this? - Buffy helped.
I didn't help I'm sure you did.
So neither of you is pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking.
We knew you were feeling less than great, so The headaches they said would go away came back and brought some friends.
What did the doctor say? Take four of some pills a day and come back for tests.
- They don't know what's wrong? - Notyet.
That's unacceptable.
We need a second opinion.
- We need a first opinion first, honey.
- OK.
We'll go now.
Buffy, I know you're concerned, but don't be.
I'm still the mom, which means I get to worry aboutyou two.
Which is a good thing because you're a vampire slayer.
And you, you are my little pumpkin belly.
Mom! That's, like, my kid name.
- So I can't be retro? - Did you ever have any names for me? No, I think you were always just Buffy.
I got some names for ya.
What are you doing hanging around? Isn't this Giles' big day? Bigger than big.
It's his grand opening.
So go.
Bring me back a I don't know A flying broomstick or something.
- Those never really work.
- Whatever.
Book club tonight? You guys have a book club? OK, I'm gonna go.
I will be back later.
When is your doctor's appointment? I just wanna know.
Take it easy.
I wantyou to relax, keep your feet up, plenty of Oprah.
Plus you can check my rainforest report.
And there's old board games - Hey.
You said I couldn't come.
- Changed my mind.
I told you you couldn't ditch me.
Mr Giles.
This place is so wow.
- I mean, check out all the magic junk.
- Our new slogan.
- So when's it open? For customers? - Since nine this morning.
Dawn.
Go.
Browse.
And "You break it, you bought it.
" Heard you the first 60 times.
Still, not to worry.
I have good feelings about this place.
Magic's a small niche market, but well, think about it.
Sunnydale, monsters, supply and demand.
They'll be lining up round the block in no time.
Yeah.
You'll be making money hand over fist.
Which I guess is a good thing.
You all right? You seem a little distracted.
It's just my mom's still sick and we have no idea what the deal is.
- She is getting medical attention? - Yeah.
We have a highly trained medical staff working round the clockto tell us diddly.
I'm sorry.
Still, you know, time and patience both great comforts.
Giles, where's your hat and cloak? Yeah, the hype was out of control.
Willow, you gotta see this.
They have the coolest talis mans.
Talisguys.
Actually, I have a little Scooby-centric deal to deal with first.
I put this before the group.
What the hell is it? - It appears to be paranormal in origin.
- How can you tell? Well, it's so shiny.
- I found it on patrol.
- May be more where that came from.
I say we go back out again tonight.
Sure.
- You can't patrol.
Buffy said.
- No, I didn't.
You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody.
- I wasn't talking about Riley.
- Don't worry.
She said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitteny, butyou'd get hurt.
So welcome to the club.
She'll never let me go either.
What? What? Giles, you got that danger room set up out back? - I'm feeling the need for physical rehab.
- Of course, yes.
- If any customers - On it.
Dawn, we're going.
Buffy, wait.
- Go easy on her.
- Why? I can't help it.
I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn.
Cos she's, you know, a big spaz.
She's so annoying now Mom's sick.
She's all over her while I have to be the grown-up.
The two of them are like the Giggle Twins.
Why can't I ever be "little pumpkin belly"? While I don't feel qualified to address the last part, I can tell you that Dawn's not just the youngest, she's the baby.
Maybe your mom needs that right now.
Dawn doesn't care what my mom You just have no idea how much I wish I were an only child these days.
Oops! We can't all be born with Chosen One reflexes.
Sh.
Mom? Mom? What's wrong? It's just my head.
- I'm taking you to the doctor.
- No, sweetheart.
I'm fine.
We don't knowthat.
We don't know anything.
We're going.
I just need my prescription.
Please? Hospital pharmacy open? Ten minutes.
Hey, it's Buffy, isn't it? Ben.
But call me man-nurse.
Everybody else does.
I don't belong here.
I have important instructions.
- Fascists! - Now you're hurting the nice intern.
I need nine cc's of phenobarbital Or not.
Let's strap him.
For your own good, I promise.
Not to be rampantly sexist, butyou've got some serious muscles for a girl.
- I - Radioactive-spider bite? - How'd you guess? - I'm a doctor.
Well, almost.
Doesn't even help.
Doesn't make a damn bit of difference! I've met this guy.
He's a security guard.
- He's not crazy.
- If you say so.
They're coming atyou.
Don't think you're above it, missy.
They come through the family.
They get to your family! - My family? What do you mean? - Get him to Exam One.
Now would be nice.
They come through the family.
Your family.
I'm real sorry about that.
Here.
- For your mom? - Yeah.
Thanks.
- She's not feeling better? - Notyet.
But she will be.
I'm starting to figure out what's wrong.
There you are.
I have been looking all over for you.
Thank you for choosing to shop at the Magic Box.
Please do come again.
Did you see that? Real live customers.
They came in, I gave them things, they gave me money and then they left.
It's brilliant! Congratulations.
You're an official capitalist running dog.
But on the orbular front we're batting zeros.
Well, we'll just have to keep trying.
If there's anything you need help with, let me know.
- Your conjuring powder is overpriced.
- Anya I'm nearly out of money.
I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter.
The change is palpable.
That stuff doesn't come cheap.
Well, you're getting ripped off.
I could hook you up direct with the troll that sheds it.
Giles, I have an idea what's making my mom sick.
- Have you spoken with her doctors? - They won't find anything.
It's supernatural.
The night watchman who found this thing, he went crazy overnight.
It won't hurt us.
I had it on me all night.
But this guy, he sawthings.
He said things.
Such as? They'll come at me through my family.
- Who will? - I don't know yet.
But whatever touched this guy, it made him see through what the rest of us are seeing.
He knew someone's hurting my mom and they're trying to get to me.
It's possible, but still the ramblings of a madman aren't much to go on.
Yeah, but it's a start.
We need to find out who's making my mom sick, and how.
Then what? Then I hunt them, find them, and kill them.
When you think about it, I'm the victim here.
First off, I don't even wanna be here.
I'm not talking about this room, city, state or planet.
I'm talking about the mortal coil.
It's disgusting.
The food, the clothes the people.
I could crap a better existence than this.
But Tell me if this next part gets a little too personal, because I have boundary issues.
But I'm hurt.
Yes.
By your incredibly selfish behaviour.
Newsflash, hairdo: it's not always aboutyou.
All I want is the Key.
Why can'tyou tell me where the Key is? Forgive me monky.
Sometimes I just get so anxious, like there's something deep inside of me and it's swelling up and it's making me crazy, that I forget there's all that duct tape on your face.
Now tell me where the Key is.
Or I'm going bowling.
It's OK, it's OK.
The stutter's sexy.
Keep it coming.
speakAmerican.
I will tell you nothing.
Fine.
You know what I wish? I wish thatyou could feel what I'm feeling right now.
Whatever you are, whatever you're on, please.
Cos I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I have a wife.
Her name's Jennifer.
We have two daughters.
I bet this is fun for you, isn't it? Say it.
You like to torture me.
Why? You don't even own the damn thing and I want it, I need it.
I've gotta have it now and you keep refusing to tell me where the Key is.
And it's typical.
It's typical.
It's typical.
The mortal meat sack comes with stink and bile, sweat and protein.
Yes, I said humans.
Not now, Mommy's talking.
Wriggling, prowling, crawling, cavorting, doing it over and over and over and over until someone's gonna sit down on their tuffet and make this birthing stop! That is so much better.
- Do you gift-wrap? - Do we! Do we? We do.
A little help.
No, no, no.
Ground cloven hooves are 30%off.
The whole ones are full price.
That's not candy Xander.
There's too many of them.
People.
And they all seem to want things.
I hear ya.
Stay British.
You'll be OK.
The thousand-yard stare.
Damn.
You hate to see that on any man but especially in retail.
Please go.
Anya, the Shopkeepers' Union of America called.
They want me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day".
But I have their money.
Who cares what kind of day they have? No one.
It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity.
Embrace it.
Hey, you.
Have a nice day.
There's my girl! Did you ever think in a million years you'd miss the high-school library? Someone put a spell on my mom.
Something to make it seem like she's sick.
That's a new kind of nasty.
Any suspects? Well, I've got the list narrowed down to just under infinity.
Does this look right to you? Sure.
If you wrapped it with your feet.
Buffy, there used to be this French sorcerer back in the 16th I don't know what name - Cloutier? - So cute in his little knickers.
But he had this one spell demons just hated called "tirer la couverture".
- "Rotate many foodstuffs"? - "Pull the curtain back.
" A spell to see spells.
A trance to see spells, actually, butyou get the idea.
Try that.
What do you mean, "see" spells? All spells leave a trace signature.
It's just not perceptible to the human eye.
In this case, it could be the image of a hand choking your mother.
Or a cloud of mist around her.
Or maybe the shape of the demon that's performing the spell? Possible, yes.
So I'll do what Monsieur Silk Knickers did.
I'll go home, get trancey and see what's affecting my mom.
I don't know, Buffy.
Trances? Yes, the sorcerer Cloutier was legendary.
His skills at achieving higher states of consciousness were Better than mine? I knew he'd say that.
But I've been practising concentration.
I'm close.
- Are you ready? - It's my mom.
I'll get ready.
What do I need? Thanks for coming over.
I really appreciate the help.
Sure thing.
So what do I do? Lots.
Tons.
Lots and lots of tons.
- This is all kinda - Newterrain? All praying, no slaying.
OK, so the incense needs to be ignited.
There's a job.
This stuff needs to get poured around me in a circle.
You need me to light incense and pour sand? Magic incense and spooky sand.
- The ritual itself is - Something you do alone.
Are you sure this isn't justyour way of trying to make me feel less "cute and weak and kittenish"? "Kitteny.
" Right.
Much manlier.
Look - I really am OK.
- I know.
So I'm not Superguy any more.
It was borrowed power anyway.
Had to give it back sometime.
I know you can handle yourself.
I just didn't wanna see you get hurt.
Maybe instead of you trying to take care of me, we agree to take care of each other.
Deal? Done.
Good.
For luck.
A girl needs more luckthan that.
Have a nice trip.
- What are you doing? - My boyfriend.
Go away.
- Liar.
Are you doing magic? - No, I'm not.
- Can I watch? - No, you can't.
Come on.
Please, please.
Like, times ten and cubed.
Please! Yeah, well, I can smell your stinky incense down the hall.
And your clothes are gonna reek.
And if you are doing magic, I am so telling.
Fine.
Go.
Go tell.
Go do whatever you want.
Just go.
Buffy? Mom.
Are you going out? Either modern medicine's working or I tookthe world's best placebo.
Either way, I'm going out for a couple of hours.
Nothing.
There's nothing.
Are you sure you're feeling OK? You seem a little out of it.
Hey, Buffy? Oh.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Long day's all.
You go, have a good time.
You're so grown-up.
Buffy? Buffy.
Buffy, who said you could come in my room? You're not my sister.
Yeah, like I even wanna be related to your nasty self.
What are you doing? - What are you? - Get off me.
- You wanna hurt me? - Let go, you freak.
- Then you deal with me.
- I'm telling Mom.
You stay away from my mother.
- What? - Buffy? I'm glad I've caughtyou.
We may have underestimated what we're dealing with.
Go on.
We've uncovered more than expected about this orb.
It's called the Dagon Sphere and it has a history going back many centuries.
- What's it do? - It's a protective device.
Used to ward off ancient primordial evil.
- Any word on what this evil looks like? - Unfortunately, no.
This is where accounts get Excuse me.
This is where accounts get vague.
All we've managed to uncover so far is the Dagon Sphere was created to repel That-Which-Cannot-Be-Named.
I'm gonna go backto the factory.
Whoever planted this doohickey's got answers.
You've heard me say this before, but do be careful.
Anything that goes unnamed is usually an object of deep worship or great fear.
Have you completed the trance? Seen what's harming your mother? That's the thing.
I just saw Nothing.
It didn't work.
What are you talking about? Slayer stuff.
I'm going out.
Do you really think I care you're the Slayer? What's that supposed to mean? I'll be home in an hour.
Mom's coming back.
I'll be back first.
Spike.
Hi, Buffy.
Don't take this the wrong way, but What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Out for a walk.
Bitch.
Out for a walk at night by my house.
No one has time for this, William.
On your merry way, then.
Contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts and other parts of this town.
I would pass by in the day but I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.
- Fine.
Keep going.
I cutyou a break.
- Yeah, OK.
Let me guess, you won't kill me? The whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine.
How original.
I'm just passing through.
Satisfied? I really hope so, cos God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard.
And I never really liked you anyway.
And you have stupid hair.
Buffy? Girls? Where is everybody? Hi, Mom.
Dawn.
Where's Buffy? You don't have to worry about her.
You're probably right.
It's not like she's never patrolled before.
Anyway, I was feeling kind of What's the medical term? Crappy.
So I called off the big night out.
Want tea, Mom? I made it for you.
It was you who planted the Dagon Sphere, right? I got it.
Don't worry.
I'm stronger than I look.
I've had experience with stuff like this before.
Best of all I'm not stupid.
Sure about that last part? Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges? Would that involve moving? My feet are numb.
I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain.
I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart.
It just seemed simpler.
You're out of crystal balls.
They're popular with the amateurs.
Better restock and raise the price 10%.
Make it 15.
- Anya - Cash register looks like a squirrel's nest.
- Anya - The Hand of Glory packs serious power.
- Better institute a check for - Anya! Would you like a job? OK.
Good.
Then we can talk shop tomorrow.
OK.
Boss.
Hey, any word from Buffy on how her spell went? She said it didn't work.
Now she's off investigating whoever left the Dagon Sphere behind.
You're not worried about the Slaymaster General, are you? No, no.
I just hope she isn't doing anything too rash.
And another thing.
I just wantyou to know this "beatyou to death" thing - it's valuable time out of life that I'm never gonna get back.
Wait.
I've always wanted to try that thing with worms where, if you rip it in half, you get two worms.
D'you thinkthat'll work with you? You hit me.
Are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people.
Were you born in a barn? Fine.
Be that way.
I just noticed something.
You have superpowers.
That is so cool.
Can you fly? Hey.
Hands off my holy man.
Stop.
- Please.
- No.
We have to keep going.
My journey is done, I think.
Don't get metaphory on me.
We're going.
You have to The Key.
You must protect the Key.
Fine.
We can protect the Key together, OK? Just far, far from here.
Many more die if you don't keep it safe.
How? What is it? The Key is energy.
It's a portal.
It opens the door.
The Dagon Sphere? No.
For centuries it had no form at all.
My brethren its only keepers.
Then the abomination found us.
We had to hide the Key.
Gave it form.
Moulded it flesh.
Made it human and sent it to you.
Dawn.
She is the Key.
You put that in my house? We knewthe Slayer would protect.
My memories and my mom's? - We built them.
- Then unbuild them.
This is my life you're You cannot abandon.
I didn't ask for this.
I don't even know What is she? Human.
Now human and helpless.
Please She is an innocent in this.
She needs you.
She's not my sister.
She doesn't knowthat.
You're home.
I wasn't bothering her.
What was that all about? Nothing.
Sister stuff.
Go away.
I'm sorry.
- You hurt my arm.
- I know.
Butthole.
Really sorry.
I tell you, I have this theory.
It goes where you're the one who's not my sister.
Cos Mom adopted you from a shoe box full of baby howler monkeys and never told you, cos it could hurtyour delicate baby feelings.
That's your theory? Explains your fashion sense.
And smell.
I'm sorry, OK? Broken record much? You can't even take an apology.
You always do that.
Ever since I just had a bad day.
Join the club.
- Can I be president? - I'm president.
You could be the janitor.
OK.
- Buffy? - Yeah? What's wrong with Mom? I don't know.