Californication s05e05 Episode Script

Wow.
Killing bad guys is your business, and business be fucking crackin', yo.
That's right, motherfucker.
Know who that is? Uh, no.
It looks kinda like Ryan Seacrest though.
What the fuck you got against Ryan Seacrest, man? Nothing in particular.
The guy just bugs the shit outta me.
Why? This motherfucker, he works hard, make millions of dollars, and he got a fucking catchphrase, which I don't have, all right? And you wanna kill him dead? That's some harsh shit, Moody.
You got too much negative energy in you.
You need to work that shit the fuck out.
Well, excuse me.
No, that's fucking Kali's new boyfriend right there, man.
Oh, she's got a new boyfriend, does she? I don't know, man, but she moved out of my fucking crib last week, talking about she ain't comfortable mixing business and pleasure anymore.
What kinda shit is that, man? Did she say she was seeing someone else? Fuck no.
But I know how that shit goes, man.
I mean, somebody gotta be tapping that ass, 'cause that ass is too fine not to be tapped.
And that Mr.
Someone will get his motherfucking dick shot the fuck off.
Hey, you know, don't do anything crazy, Sam you am.
You're mere months away from becoming an A-list "raptor.
" What the fuck is that? Rapper turned actor.
Get it? No, I don't get that.
I like it.
Whatever.
Fucking bitch just drives me crazy, man.
You know what, maybe it's the case of a nigga who wants some shit he can't have.
True dat.
This nigga has often fell prey to that on some occasions.
I'm sorry.
My bad.
I mean, you know, I'm in the wrong there.
What you doing tonight, man? - Mmm? - What you doing tonight? - Nothing.
- Wrong.
You're rolling with me on a ride-along.
A ride-along? Yeah, with the real Santa Monica P.
D.
I gotta get my fucking cop.
Really wanna be authentic, you know what I mean? And I need to hit the streets to get the feel for this shit.
And you need to be taking some fucking notes, all right? So be there or be six feet under, motherfucker.
You gotta go.
I don't gotta do nothing.
Good God, man, it's a ride-along.
At the absolute worst, it'll be an absolute fucking blast.
Look, sooner or later this guy's gonna find or figure out that I'm fucking the object of his gangstery affections, and when that happens, I'm toast.
Bloody, bullet-ridden toast.
I still think you should go.
And I think you should be on my side for once.
You should be focused on protecting my ass, not just my career.
Your career is just fine, buddy-boy.
You are the guy that got Santa Monica Cop a green light.
Wow.
There's a dubious honor.
Dubious or not, I got serious interest in you for a whole bunch of projects.
That's great.
Really? Well, why am I just hearing about it now? Why just as an aside? What are they? I don't know.
I got 'em written down on a buckslip somewhere.
Worst agent ever.
I'll tell you what, I will go with you.
Keep you out of harm's way.
I will be your human Kevlar.
It's no problem, none at all.
That's just the kind of service you get for your 10%.
Bullshit, you just wanna ride in the police car.
Ever since I was a little boy.
You're here, you're queer, and I'm used to it, but you're not invited.
But I could be, right? I could tag along for the ride-along.
I feel like crushing one of your testicles right now.
Does that mean I can go? Fine, let's go, powder.
I hope you get killed in the line of duty.
This feels unnatural to me, voluntarily arriving at a police station.
I like it.
Smells like crime, punishment, and the urine of homeless men and women.
Where is that fucking lunatic? Hands behind your back, motherfucker.
- 'Cause you under arrest.
- What the fuck for? For jerking off on the job, Dr.
Evil! What the fuck? I scared the shit out you.
Hey, hey, do your Runkle imitation for Runkle himself.
Check it out.
Huh? I don't see what's so funny about that.
It's not even realistic.
Did you watch the video? It was more like this.
Whoo! That's true.
Commando.
Hey, what the fuck he doing here, man? I didn't invite him.
Fucker invited himself.
Tell him.
I always wanted to ride in a cop car.
It's a boyhood dream, actually.
Well, keep your mouth shut and your dick in your pants, a'ight? A'ight.
- A'ight.
- A'ight.
Shotgun.
Come on, put 'em up, put 'em up So this is it, boys.
Welcome to the jungle.
Take a whiff.
Sorry, that was me.
Hey, look, I'll be honest with you, there's not a whole lot of glamour to the profession.
Are you kidding? This is fucking awesome.
Can I turn this light on? - No.
- Can I pull someone over? And stop touching stuff.
Come on, man, you're like a big baby.
Hey, that's exactly what I always say.
Any available unit in the vicinity of Pico and 23rd, possible "B" and "E" in progress.
Ain't you gonna get that, man? That shit's close by.
Nah, somebody will get it.
Eventually.
Sounds pretty unpleasant.
Besides, I gotta babysit you bed wetters.
So what's this movie about? It's about Hollywood's need to recycle even the lamest ideas in an effort to maximize stuff.
I don't know.
I'm out.
- I got nothing.
- Shut the fuck up, Moody.
You're too cynical, man.
You need to look at the world through the eyes of a child like Runkle here.
- Ooh.
- Hey, yo.
It's about a tough kid who grew up in Compton, becomes a cop, gets transferred over to Santa Monica, and uses his street smarts to fuck up whitey.
So it's like Beverly Hills Cop.
You are correct, sir.
Everybody keeps saying that shit.
Nah, man, it's based in Santa Monica.
Yeah, it's set in Santa Monica.
Hey, hey, hey, Mr.
Officer, sir, that guy is clearly texting while driving.
Let's get him.
Who gives a fuck? Who doesn't? I do it all the time.
I'd be a hypocrite if I pulled somebody over for that shit.
You imagine getting pulled over for texting? Wouldn't that just chap your fucking hide? Fuck, man.
What's your take on drunk driving, officer? Yeah, that's a good question, right? Thank you.
That depends really, mostly on the cut of their jib.
If the guy's a real d-bag, his ass is mine.
He is going down.
And the same thing for a hot chick.
Down on this.
Oh-ho! All right.
Get a load of bad lieutenant.
Hey, yo, you ever shoot a motherfucker before? Just once.
Kind of a sad story, actually.
It was a little kid.
I mean, I thought the kid had a piece.
Turns out it was an iPod Touch.
Bet he was black.
Was he black? Was he black? Of course he was black.
Why do you think I shot first? This nigga, man.
Cop or no cop, man, he pull this fucking car over, I'm gonna bitch-smack that motherfucker.
Church.
Hey, Runks, get your shit together, man.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I was just--I was thinking about little Stewie.
He's always playing with his iPod Touch.
He's got this app on it that makes it sound like a gun, you know? He used to love to point it at Irma and pretend to shoot her in the head execution style.
That's adorable.
Jesus, there but for the grace of God, huh? I'm just fucking with you morons.
Never pulled my piece out on the job.
Never.
Not once.
Too bad the same can't be said for Runks, huh? I don't know.
Hey, hey, hey, who's hungry? I can't believe this, we're actually sitting around watching a cop eat donuts.
I know, it's a cliche, but they're so fucking delicious, you know? Plus donuts got sugar and carbs, which allows for a quick burst of energy.
Coffee keeps me awake and alert.
Hot call comes in, I'm fucking ready.
You getting all this, writer? You need me to talk slower? It's all right up here.
Fill 'er up, Dotty.
This shit is fucking boring, yo.
If I want to sit around and eat donuts all night, I coulda stayed home and smoked some fucking weed, man.
Hey, you wanted to see what a night in the life of a cop is like.
This is it.
I drive around.
I try not to get myself killed.
And I feed the pain that comes from knowing that I put my life on the line night after fucking night.
That and the pain of dealing with a messy divorce.
Banging a fucking fireman.
You believe that shit? Chick must really have a thing for guys in uniform.
Yeah, ever since 9/11, fucking firemen get all the pussy.
Hey, you see that chick right there? Total pro.
Wow, how can you tell? Years of experience, my friend.
Hey, hey, how much you think she charges? Ah, 25 bucks will get you some suction.
Gotta wear a rubber though.
throw deli meat at her ass.
Why would anybody want to do that? People are sick, man.
I'm just telling you what's on the menu with these broads.
Hey, Runkle, how much to tase you? Hey, hey, Mr.
Samurai, sir, I've actually been tased, and it is no fun.
- No, it is.
- No fun at all.
It's fun.
That said, I'd probably do it for a crisp hundy.
Oh, yeah? All right, I'll throw in.
Each.
Each maybe.
Ah, shit, it's happening! What's happening? My heart.
Another fucking episode.
God damn it! Are you sure? Yeah, got an intense pain in my chest.
Arms are going all numb.
Something not good is definitely happening to my body right now.
I'm stroking out over here.
You guys are gonna have to drive me to the fucking hospital, okay? I'm calling my agent, man.
- I'm right here.
- My new agent.
Now let's not be rash.
U.
T.
K.
is a unique agency.
Our ability to package is unparalleled.
Hey, hang on, I'll take care of this, then I'll take care of you.
Okay, 911 it is.
Okay, man down! God damn.
One minute, you're eating a donut, waxing all poetic.
The next you're stroking out all over the floor.
That kinda makes you think, huh? About laying off the donuts, sure.
Think he's gonna be okay? I don't know, he seemed pretty tweaked.
I do know that he appreciated you holding his hand the entire time though, Runks.
Well, what do you think, Sam? I think we should add a stroke scene - to the script, man.
- Stroke scene? I can pull that shit off no problem.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice.
We best be thinking about getting ourselves a cab, huh? Oh, wait a minute, maybe one of your crew guys can come pick us up? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, call the midget.
I love that little dude.
That little nappy-headed nigga, man.
Yeah, Mr.
Lowercase "T.
" Nah, man.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't think that's a very good idea, Sam.
No, we could really get in a lot of trouble.
For what? Just gonna take it back to the police station.
Charlie, it's the right thing to do.
The moral thing, the polite thing.
I just don't wanna get in any trouble.
What's up, Adam-12? I thought it was your boyhood fucking dream to ride in a police car.
And I have fulfilled that dream.
Now it's time we should all go home and reflect.
Shotgun! Hey, guys, where you going? Whe-- You're just gonna leave me here, is that it? Yep, it looks like you're just gonna leave without me.
Okay, okay, I'm coming.
Can I drive, huh? Can't stop now hold the chains and the harnesses get down to lake town, 'cause can't stop now Could have at least let me sit in the front.
I called shotgun.
There's nothing to do back here.
Shut the fuck up, Runkle.
You're like a small child back there, man, and it's pissing me the fuck off.
Boring.
This motherfucker driving all fucking slow.
Watch this, watch this.
Pow, motherfucker! Excuse me, but, um, I really think we're playing with fire here now, Sam.
I don't know if you're aware, but--but Hank has only recently finished his probation.
So-- For what, being a fucking rapist? Hey, stop it with all that rapist shit, okay? I'm sensitive about that.
Come on, man, I say that shit with love, man.
That's what I like about you, man.
You're an outlaw, man.
Truth.
- Bong, bong.
- Bong, bong.
I prefer raper to rapist.
Oh, shit.
Grab the wheel for me.
Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, you probably want to put that on speaker.
- Fine, have it your way.
- Yo, what up, man? What? No, singed for nothin'.
Fuck that.
I'll be right there.
Be right where? My boy saw Kali up in the club getting cozy with some clown-ass nigga, man.
Well, we're going back to the police station first, right? You're gonna drop us off.
Something tells me no.
Fuck that, you gotta strike when the iron fist is hot.
Yeah, but what if something bad goes down? You don't want any witnesses around, do you? No, I do want witnesses, man, especially some white motherfuckers, man.
Oh, why, 'cause we're white? Yeah, 'cause you white, motherfucker.
Cops believe white motherfuckers.
You got my back, right? Y'all got my back, right? You'd lie for me, right? Not if it's against the law.
You lie for a living, motherfucker.
Man's got a point.
Can't stop now we will fire like an arsonist not a force to be bargained with ain't stopped us won't stop us can't stop us now Officer, I think someone's following me.
Feel like I'm in danger.
Get the fuck outta here, streetwalker.
Can't you see we're working, man? We on a stakeout.
No, that's not nice.
The lady says she's in danger.
You just want a free hummer, don't you? Come on inside here, sweetheart.
That's the way you treat a lady.
Thank you.
Ooh, my dogs are barking.
Aww.
How's business tonight? It's a little slow, actually.
There she is.
All right, all right, what do you say we just--we leave the car out of this and we proceed on foot.
Stop worrying about the God damn car, you fucking ninny.
Can I do it? Fuck yeah, go for it.
How come he gets to do it? 'Cause I like him better, man.
That's right, we're pulling you over, motherfucker.
Pull over to the right.
What are you, stupid? Your other right, jackass.
There you go.
So what's the move here, good cop, bad cop, bald cop? No, how 'bout bad cop, bad cop, bald cop stays in the fucking car? Works for me.
That was sweet of you to let me in.
Give me shelter from the storm.
It's nothing.
Who likes to see a lady in danger? Not this cop.
Lieutenant Charles W.
Runkle.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, officer.
So you a detective? Mm-hmm, yep.
I like to take a couple of the rookies out on a 5-8-7 now and again, make sure they know their shit.
It's just good old-fashioned police work.
Well, how 'bout a good old-fashioned blowjob? This one's on me, 'cause you're an officer and a gentleman.
Ohh! Out of the car, ma'am.
Hank.
License and registration, motherfucker.
Come on, look alive.
What the fuck? He's really pissed.
He misses you.
You know, this is why I moved out of his place, because he is a fucking psycho.
Yeah, but we got to talk about this, 'cause sooner or later he's gonna find out about us.
How? I'm not gonna tell him.
Are you gonna tell him? No fucking way.
So we don't have a problem.
Yeah.
Now I know where the fuck you live at.
Get out the car.
He's really kind of sweet in a way.
Hank, I know you think he's all warm and cuddly.
Oh, no, I don't.
I'm just saying watch yourself.
I am watching myself.
I try to get out, but he pulls me back in with the money.
And, uh, the money.
And--and, oh, the exceptional weed.
And, wow, you look really hot tonight.
You know, I'm thinking maybe I should handcuff you just to be safe.
What was I doing wrong, officer? You tell me.
Turn around.
- You been drinking? - No, sir, not at all.
Not at all? Bullshit.
You was at the club, wasn't you? Step over there.
Something smell funky to me, nigga.
Smell like pussy.
You been drinking pussy? - No.
- No what? No, I haven't been drinking pussy, officer.
What, this girl pussy ain't good enough for you to drink? I'm sure she got a very drinkable pussy.
We just haven't gotten there yet.
Think you gonna get there? I think I can close this, yeah.
Think you can close this.
What if she's somebody else's girl? Then I say that that someone else in question isn't doing a good job making her happy.
Is that what you say, nigga? Ahh! Calvin, what the fuck are you doing? This motherfucker disrespecting both of us.
Wait, you know this guy? You want me to call 911 so that you can deal with the real cops? Fuck that.
Look, I want you to come home with me, a'ight? Forget all this bullshit.
Fuck you.
Wait a second, you ain't a real cop? Shit, you could have fooled me.
I'm gonna take that as a compliment, motherfucker.
I ain't gonna apologize for fucking your legs up.
I know where the fuck you live.
Keep your hands off my bitch.
Wait a second.
Aren't you Samurai Apocalypse? - Oh, shit.
- No shit.
Oh, shit! God, you give an exceptional blowjob.
I mean, seriously.
Something to be said for putting in the time.
Ahh! Have you read Outliers? - Mm-mm.
- Malcolm Gladwell.
He claims that the secret to success in any field is a simple matter of practicing a specific task for, mmm, about 10,000 hours.
What, you wanna suck my dick now? What? You want me to take mine out? Want me to put it in your mouth? Your dick? Buck up, buddy-boy.
It doesn't matter.
You didn't know.
It doesn't count.
Did you know? Of course.
Didn't you know? Fuck yeah.
Seen the size of that Adam's apple? Shit, do I look ignorant to you? No, no, you look like a guy who could spot a tranny hooker from a mile away.
Respect.
Motherfucking right, man.
Shit, this bitch Kali got my fucking heart on fire, man.
Yeah, I know how that feels, brother.
But you know what Sting says.
What does Sting say? He says that if you love somebody, you set them free.
- Sting says that? - Yep, he sure does.
You're fucking with me, man.
No, he says that.
He sings about it.
That saying been around since the stone ages.
Yeah, well, Sting's the one who wrote a song about it.
You think I'm dumb, don't you, Moody? No, I don't.
Then why are you always fucking condescending to me? I'm not condescending to you.
I'm relating.
You know I got a fucking broken heart right now, right? I do know that.
Yes, I know.
Fucking Jersey Shore ass nigga, man, sticking his pencil dick in my sweet pound cake.
Yeah, I relate.
You know, right now the love of my life is getting pounded by some omnisexual chicken hawk.
Doesn't feel good.
Nah.
It could be worse.
Yeah, how? Coulda just had your dick drained by a tranny hooker.
True dat.
It's not funny! Why are you laughing? Oh, man.
Oh.
Becca, hey, sweetie.
I thought you weren't talking to me.
Shh! Wait, hold up.
Slow down, slow down, slow down.
It's back? Okay, I gotta see this.
We'll be there.
What's up? We got somewhere we gotta go.
Let's go deep.
You okay, baby? What happened? See for yourself.
It was amazing, Hank.
It's the coolest thing that I've ever seen.
What? It was, I'm sorry.
- Richard-- - Peek-a-boo, and fine wine.
Come on up, honey.
Come-- Get down now.
- I can't remember the song.
- Karen.
Jesus.
What the fuck are you doing here? It's a long story, and ultimately not as interesting as what's happening here.
What happened? Tyler switched drinks, thought it would be funny to watch him get drunk.
Jesus, that kid really is a young me.
Hey, Batesy! Hank, God damn it! It's great to see you! I'm so glad you could make it.
Good to see you too, man.
Loving that man-gina.
Thank you.
It is fucking liberating.
Hey, you wanna come down and put some clothes on before the law gets here? No, no, nonsense.
I'm tucked.
You know, I was just telling Karen I used to fuck guys like Tyler back in prison.
Did I ever tell you about the year I spent behind bars? No.
Yeah, I was researching a novel about prison life, so I knocked over a little liquor store.
The research was great, but there was an unexpected gift.
I fell in love there, Hank.
Twice.
Two very different men.
Mm-hmm.
And we still keep in touch.
I gotta tell you, men in prison make exceptional pen pals.
Letters like fucking short stories.
You remember your first short story, Hank? Yeah.
Finishing mine gave me a thunderous erection.
You remember your first erection? Yeah, I had a big crush on the blonde from the Beverly Hillbillies.
Elly May Clampett.
Spilt a lot of boy milk to that foxy little tramp.
Yeah.
You know, thanks to that fine memory, the blood is starting to flow down south.
This could be pretty hard to tuck in a minute.
- I hear you.
- I'm going for a run.
Give me a hug.
There you go.
There you go.
I love you, babe.
Don't wait up.
Hey, hey, hey.
You want me to go after him? No, I don't.
Just let him run it off.
Hey, Tyler, not cool.
I'm speechless.
- Not cool.
- I am speechless.
- Not cool at all.
- I know, I know.
Okay, I'm sorry, all right? I feel bad.
Yeah.
But, look, Becca told me all these stories about how crazy he gets when he drinks.
And, look, it was just-- it was too tempting.
All right, much as I hate to say it, I understand, but-- Besides, he was being a total dick.
It's like he was standing in for you tonight.
Literally giving me a hard time about every single word that was coming out of my mouth.
Shit just gets tiring, you know, and I just hit my limit.
Yo, an order of ankio, man.
Is he with you by any chance? - Who, that-- - Yeah.
- That woman? - No, him.
Oh, him? Officer Dolemite over there? No, I've never seen him before in my life.
Yeah? 'Cause I'm pretty sure he was there the night I got my ass kicked.
Really? That would be quite a coinkydink.
You sure you're not just being racist? You gotta check that-- Yo, Moody, you seen that fucking naked guy run outta here? Fucking dick swinging in some real white boy shit, yo.
Crazy.
Hey, yo.
Yo, ain't this the little Romeo we had to smack down at the club the other night? Yes, yes, it is.
Good to see you.
Good to see you too.
You're healing real good, son.
Thanks.
Dad, what did you do? Nothing.
I did--I did nothing.
- Will you tell them? - Will you answer her? - Tell 'em.
- Tell 'em what? That I didn't do anything of that nature.
No, he ain't do anything though, but I knew it was important to him, so I took care of it.
That's what we do for each other.
I'd be happy to do it again if necessary.
It's not necessary.
Let's go.
They make a cute couple, man.
I don't see why you getting so fucking bent up about it.
Thanks.
That was very helpful.
Cool, let's get some sake.
Unfiltered sake, nigori.
I wanna see some new pages tomorrow, Moody.
What exactly have we learned tonight? Our boy Runkle learned what it's like to come in a tranny hooker's mouth.
Thank you, Sam.
Thank you so much.
I'd almost managed to stop thinking about it for five whole seconds there.
Gargle, gargle, yo.
Holy shit, yo.
Check that out.
What the fuck? Batesy! - Hey! - Hey, want a ride? Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Well, get on in.
Thanks, boys.
Who's up for a cocktail? Oh, fuck.