Comic Book Men s05e05 Episode Script

You know how hot fairy tales are right now, right? You got those TV shows, "Fables" the comic book.
I mean, they're everywhere now.
What's your guys' favorite fairy tale? - Um - "Old Mother Goose.
" Probably something' with a little bit more action, adventure, "Jack and the Beanstalk.
" Great fairy tale.
You know, and Jack sells his cow for magic beans, gets a big beanstalk, goes up, meets a big giant, steals a golden egg, comes down, chops down the beanstalk, kills the giant.
- I'm familiar with the story.
- Okay, sorry.
I didn't Are you sure you don't wanna sit on his knee while he repeats it to ya? Why kill the giant, though? What did he do? He was stealin' from the village.
- Was he? - Yeah.
He screwed up by sellin' the cow.
Who, Jack? Yeah, he was, you know, labeled an idiot.
He had to make up for it.
It's a metaphor.
We've all, in our youth, have done something so stupid.
You know, that time you bought a scorpion, and your dad kicked your ass.
- Right.
Mm-hmm.
- Right.
'Cause I didn't pay my telephone bill with the money, instead bought a scorpion.
He was the giant I needed to defeat.
That could be a fairy tale right there.
- No, no - A modern-day fairy tale.
I shoulda turned tail when I heard him say, "Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of my dumb-ass son.
" Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that knew the Bat when he was just a mallrat.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Okay, man, what's happening in the savage lands this week? We had arguably the hottest book in the world come in.
Hey, how you doin'? I'm doin' well.
How are you guys? Good, what can we do for you today? I think I have something you may be interested in.
Oh.
"The Walking Dead," issue number 1.
- It's a first print? - It is a first print.
Mm, we may have interest.
I'm tryin' to play it cool, and I'm tryin' not to show you just how excited "Walking Dead" number 1 first print makes me.
Just Oh, my God.
It's the big enchilada, right? The big cheese, numero uno.
Absolutely.
There's diamond, gold, and "Walking Dead.
" What that show is based off of, the comic book, the first issue of "The Walking Dead" came in.
And it is like gold right now.
So I knew that if I wanted to acquire it, I'm gonna have to go deep into pocket.
You're gonna have to go into the walking debt.
Where'd you get it? Purchased it about ten years ago on the Internet.
You're lookin' to move it, huh? Yeah, I was in a car wreck a few months ago, in a, uh, hit-and-run.
And cops never caught the guy, never turned himself in, so I'm tryin' to sell some of my collection to go to purchasing a new vehicle.
Hmm, where you from? - Tennessee.
- Really? Yes.
Rules out the car that I hit.
- Big fan, though, of the comic? - Yeah, yeah, yes.
I'm a big fan of the comic.
It seems like it's a very successful, uh, genre, the apocalyptic genre.
The most popular genre right now, right? I would think so.
Well, it has been for some time.
You don't believe in all that stuff, right? You don't believe in the end of the world? Maybe not zombies but some kind of disaster could, you know, maybe set people to go crazy.
Remember what happened after Sandy, Walt.
No power for two weeks, people gettin' nasty with each other.
You're from where, Tennessee, you said? Tennessee, yes.
People are preparin' for that kind of stuff, right? Yeah, there is bunkers in mountains, yeah.
People is ready for ***** to hit the fan literally, so You're tellin' me, where you come from, there's bunkers and all that stuff? People are preparing? I know tons of people that have, you know, tons of guns and fallout shelters.
So when you come up north and you see, like, guys hangin' around comic bookstores arguing about imaginary characters, it must make you wanna puke all over your "Walking Dead" number 1, right? The zombie apocalypse, do you think it could happen? Like, in a movie, in a TV show? Yes.
In real life? Absolutely, no.
I was raised Catholic, so the only zombie I'm allowed to believe in is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
He came back from the dead.
That counts.
People can't get mad at that.
But you don't have a contingency plan in place when it's code brown and it's hittin' the fan, you don't have somewhere to run, to go? No, I don't have a contingency plan for, like, underwear.
You know, I got four pair.
Tryna make seven days work.
All right, enough with the, you know, the "end of the world" scenarios.
What about your "Walking Dead" number one? What are you lookin' to get for it? I'm lookin' to get $1,600.
Oh, $1,600, man.
How about $700? I could go maybe $1,400.
And you don't find too many raw copies that's prett I mean, this is in pretty good shape.
Right.
A G.
- $1,000? - 1,000 bucks.
I think $1,400's the lowest I could go.
- Really? - I don't - I don't think - $1,000 cash.
You come all the way from Tennessee.
I just I don't think I could do $1,000 on it, though.
Then we've got nothin' left to discuss, I'm afraid.
All right, well All right.
Best of luck, man.
Thank you.
Thanks for your time.
- All right.
Have a good day.
- All right.
You too, guys.
You guys were all layin' it on a little thick, huh? I mean, you were just doin' that to try to scare him into sellin' it? You guys don't believe all that stuff, do you? End of the world, doomsday Yeah, why not? Why not? I mean, it could you never know.
- The end of the world.
- It could happen.
If you guys all believe it, then we should do somethin' about it because we've got the bunker.
Where? Right underneath us, the basement.
The Stash basement is a bunker.
It just needs to be fortified with the right pieces of equipment.
And there's a store like that.
I passed by it.
It's on Route 10.
Perfect, so I say this weekend, we go to the survivalist store, and we get all the equipment we need.
And then we come back, and we turn that basement - into the ultimate bunker.
- I'm Four men go into that basement.
I don't know if four men come out.
Three men, one man that is dressed up like a woman.
I got something you might be interested in.
Ooh, that is badass.
If there was one food you had to eat to gain superpowers, what would it be? Like, you know, like, pickled beets or something.
Every time you pickled you're gonna gain superpowers? That's the one you'd pick? Pickled beets, but yeah, I would pick - Not just a pickle.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
If you have to eat a pickle to get superpowers, it doesn't look very heroic.
Your archenemy, you know, has just robbed a bank.
Yes.
Mild-mannered Ming is on the corner - Yeah.
- With his bag of pickles.
- Yeah.
- But you can't chew 'em.
You gotta swallow them whole to gain your powers.
Is everybody, like, lookin' more at you or the bank robber? They're, like, the little fun-sized No, you're talkin' a deli pickle, you know, round.
I mean, at that point, they're definitely lookin' at me.
Like, I'm tryin' to I'm just like Well Choke it down like a pelican.
- Hey, how you doin'? - How's it goin', guys? I got something you might be interested in.
All right.
An unlicensed Doctor Doom helmet.
Ooh, that is badass.
Where'd you get it? I got it from a guy who makes these custom in Peru.
I'm a cosplayer, and I just had to have it for my Doctor Doom cosplay.
Look at the craftsmanship on that, man.
Is that really made out of metal? No, it's some kind of fiberglass.
Feel that.
I mean, it's light as a feather.
You know the story of Doctor Doom? You work in a comic bookstore.
Tell Bryan the story of Doctor Doom.
He was, you know, a, you know, nemesis of Fantastic Four, a disfigured, uh, um How was he disfigured? I mean, uh Oh, my God.
You sure this is a comic book shop and I'm not No, no, no, don't leave, don't leave.
Will you please enlighten my ignoramus employee here? - Brilliant scientist - Okay, right.
Excellent with magic.
He rules over Latveria with an iron fist, and he just wants to rule the world.
There is no one above Doom in terms of, like, the ultimate Marvel villain.
Doctor Doom, one of my favorite doctors, not a real doctor.
Is Doctor Doom the be-all baddie in the Marvel universe? Is there anybody that trumps Doom? You're tempted to say Magneto, but he wavers back and forth between the line of good guy and bad guy.
Doom is just, "I'm bad for the sake of bad.
" Yeah, he's the face of villainy in the Marvel universe.
Or the lack of face.
Well, why are you sellin' this, then, if you're Well, I love the character.
What I don't love is maintaining the character's armor.
It's very stuffy under there, and after a couple hours, I'm done at a convention.
- Gets tough.
- Can I put this on? - Yeah.
- All right.
He's got a little pea head.
It doesn't fit him.
I'm surrounded by idiots! That's that's terrifying.
That's one of his lines, right? - "I'm surrounded by idiots"? - Yeah.
No.
Who was he talkin' to? - Uh, the idiots.
- Try "kneel before Doom.
" Kneel before Doom! Moron, take it off.
You don't deserve to wear the helmet if you have to, like, pad it with newspapers so that it fits on your head correctly.
One of the coolest things about that character, I always dug is, they did one story where they took off the mask, and he was beautiful except for one tiny blemish right here.
And so all those years he was like, "I'm a monster," it was just his own vanity and ego.
I usually don't go after non-licensed pieces of merchandise.
But this is so cool, you know? So what are you looki" to get for it? $400? Um, $400, huh? Would you take $200 for it? $350? $275? $300.
All right, $300.
Awesome.
- $300.
- Thank you, sir.
- All right.
- You guys have a great day.
- Enjoy your helmet.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Gotta have the right mind-set to wear a Doom helmet, right? Yeah.
Toilet's stuffed up again, bro.
Kneel before the bowl.
I collect stick figures.
Been gettin' comic book artists, comic book writers Oh, that's cool.
Who's your favorite doctor, you know, from movies, TV, or literature? Ooh, um I would say Marcus Welby, but you guys would crucify me, so So I'll go with The Abominable Dr.
Phibes.
Ooh, good pull.
Weird, deep cut, man.
You like that movie a lot when you were a kid? Yeah, that that makeup and that face is, you know That's that's the scariest doctor of all.
Bry, what about you, favorite doctor? Dr.
Jekyll.
- Yes! - Ooh.
Good pull, Dr.
Jekyll.
What about you, Ming? Favorite doctor, fake doctor? Doogie Howser, M.
D.
- Come on, man, really? - Yeah.
There are so many cool doctors out there Doctor Strange What about Dr.
Moreau? You' gonna go with Dr.
Doogie Howser? - Yeah! What, he's not cool? - No! Gonna be honest with you, I want a second opinion on your favorite doctor.
How do you think life would be different if we could all read each other's thoughts? You'd be in jail, for one.
I mean, I think we all would, right? Maybe not.
Only the act would be a crime.
So all those things he thinks about, yeah, they'd be they'd be disgusted and appalled and absolutely wanna, like, just, like, run from him screaming, but, I mean, he wouldn't be put in jail for the horrible things he thinks.
I mean, you'd have to fire him.
There's no doubt about it.
What are you, the thought police now? It depends.
It's conspiracy, right? Like, how much is he thinking about this crime that he's about to commit? What are y'all talking about? What about you, Mike, would you have a reason to be concerned if the guy on the other side of the counter could read your mind? Oh, yeah, people would be like, "Um, I thought he was a nice guy, but he's just so damn angry all the time.
" I gotta tell you, we kind of know that already.
You're good at masking your true personality for a good 20 to 30 seconds.
How about you, Bryan? - Oh.
- He gets it out.
You know, he says what's on his mind way more than we all do.
Yeah, but those few things that are still there that even I won't say? Oh, man.
Gonna be in a cell next to him.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, how you doin'? - What's happenin'? - Hey, how you doin'? Walt, I've been tryi" to find you at cons and everything, and I haven't been able to see you anywhere.
I really don't do comic book conventions.
That's why you have, uh, not been able to find me.
Oh.
I didn't know anybody was lookin' for me, though.
Yeah, I don't think you realize how, uh How much you're desired.
It's like, not a con goes by where people aren't, "Where's Walt? Why isn't Walt here?" It's really fun to answer the question too.
Why are you actively searching for me? Because I collect stick figures, and I'd be wondering if you'd be willing to draw one.
Stick figure? Yeah, I've been getti" comic book artists, comic book writers, celebrities Comic bookstore clerks? How long you been doin' this? Over a decade, like, 13 years.
So how you must have quite a collection.
- Over 400.
- Wow.
Some of the bigger ones that you would probably be a fan of, is, you know, like, here we go.
- Ooh, Cho? - You know, Frank Cho, yep.
How clever is that? That's why he's one of the most acclaimed artists out there.
- Oh, Scott Campbell.
- Yeah.
That's impressive.
Look at that.
- Michael Golden.
- Nice.
- Doc Strange.
- Yeah.
And it counts as a stick figure 'cause of the stick legs, I guess? - Yes.
- I think so.
He's tryin' to get technical.
- Sienkiewicz.
- Yeah.
The Warlock from "New Mutants," right? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, man, Neal Adams, a zombie Batman.
That's cool.
I wouldn't think they're You could get so much flair in a stick figure.
You've got some really awesome pieces here.
Wait a minute, you got Ming's in here? Yes.
I've gotten these three already.
Those guys aren't artists.
Yes, but anyone can draw a stick figure, no matter who they are.
- Oh.
- That's Mike's.
I thought that would be yours.
That was Mike's after hangin' out with me for three days.
Here's Bryan's.
And if nothing is more fitting Yeah, this is like Michelangelo's "David" right there.
I just drew - You guys were in the book? - Yeah.
You were in the book as well? We had met him at a con a couple years ago? - Yep, mm-hmm, yep.
- Or several years ago.
I me, I also saw a girl workin' concessions drawing a stick figure, so I'm not sure exactly.
You know, if you think about it, it's really flattering.
He came specifically to get To get your stick figure, all the way to the Stash.
It is very flattering and very intimidating, 'cause, you know, like, why would this lunatic drive all the way from Florida? Did I say it was flattering? So you're here today to see if I'll do a stick figure for you? Yeah, if you'd be willing to draw one.
- Absolutely, I would love to.
- Awesome.
You're not gonna stand over and watch me, are you? - Uh, you don't want me to? - I'd prefer you not.
All right, I'll wander around.
- Five minutes.
- Okay.
All right.
All right.
It's done.
- What do you guys think, huh? - Nice.
- Stick figure.
- That's fantastic.
Is that you? Yeah, you know, I mean, you know, I know I don't normally wear a cape at the Stash, but And I know you normally don't smile at the Stash either.
All right, thanks, guys.
- Take it easy, guy.
- Yep.
So what'd you think? He inspired me to start collecting.
Really? I figured, like, if I could get some, like, still living celebrities', like, social security and credit card numbers? I thought you were kiddin' around about this place.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Go ahead.
- After you.
- Thank you.
I thought you were kiddin' around about this place.
Whoa.
"Are you prepared?" Well, no, but that's why we're here, right? - Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
How are we? - I'm Frank.
- Hey.
- Hey, Frank, how you doin'? - What can I do for you? We're here today to get prepared for the apocalypse, if need be.
We went to a store that had everything you will need to survive, you know, doomsday.
You're gonna need food, water, weapons the big three.
Okay, all right, that's what we're here for.
We're here for we're here for your expertise today.
You tell us what we need.
We're here to buy it.
Lemme show you around.
Water, food, and weapons.
I did leave out one big thing, and that's air.
Gas masks are very important.
NBC nuclear, biological, and chemical.
We don't know where it's comin' from.
We just know it's comin'.
What would be biological? - Pbbt.
- A dirty bomb I was afraid that's what it was, and I've After livin' together for four weeks, you might wanna just walk around with them.
And I think Exactly.
Exactly.
The food is your most important thing.
These are food bars.
one-day survival bar for one person.
Break off a piece.
These are non-thirsting, Coast Guard-approved survival bars.
Cool.
- Ooh.
- Whoa.
Look at how good that looks.
If you had to, could you eat this? Of course.
But I don't have to right now, right, Frank? You don't have to.
Right now, you can go get a hamburger.
The biggest thing that I sell Oh, my God.
Little plastic toilet buckets.
Oh, my God.
I don't know if I'm prepared to do that.
Do you sell, like, a privacy curtain or something? 'Cause we're gonna be, what, we're gonna be right down here goin' in a bucket in front of I have tarps.
We can cut tarps and yeah.
It's what you make out of it.
We're gonna see sides of each other that we never woulda sh Ever would've revealed.
Mostly backsides.
Now, we can joke about doomsday, but when it hits you in the face and you realize, for the rest of your life, you may be doing one or two in a bucket, it really hits home.
And this ain't "The Walking Dead.
" - This ain't TV.
- No.
TV don't have, uh, you know, people starin' at you, like, "You done with that bucket yet?" - Yeah.
- You know? It is going to be a rough, rough ride.
It's going to be a hellish world of people looking at each other while they're trying to defecate in buckets.
These are great.
These are basically what the police use.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
It's pretty heavy steel.
Right there? - There, there.
- That's pretty solid.
Yeah, it's not breaking leg time.
It's time to - It's time to break necks.
- Yeah, yeah.
You're a pretty grim dude, Frank.
Yeah.
If I was throwin' a party, I don't know if I'd invite Frank.
Nobody does.
What are you gonna do? So we got all our supplies, just everything you'll need, we got it.
Better to have a plan and not need it than need a plan and not have it.
You guys drank the Kool-Aid, man, the freeze-dried Kool-Aid.
He was a slap across the face that I think a lot of us need, maybe you.
'Cause it doesn't sound like you're takin' this too seriously.
I really have a hard time doin' it, man.
But I don't have a hard time understanding how a guy who runs a survivalist store doesn't really have a sense of humor.
Oh, man, that's all the time we got for this week.
We gotta go.
"Comic Book Men," I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Remember, kids, sometimes dead is betta.
Good night.