Cougar Town s05e05 Episode Script

Hey, who wants to do something fun? - I do! - Me! Great.
We're gonna go to my dad's house and help him find his glasses.
I thought if I said it in a happy tone, you'd be excited.
Did not work.
Ellie, are you okay? You seem wiped out.
I was book mom at Stan's class yesterday, so I had to get up at 8:00 AM.
What am I, a coal miner? And it's flu season.
Most of those little brats were snotty, whiny messes.
You didn't catch anything, did you? - What's the big deal? - Ellie is crazy when she's sick.
Remember the great stomach virus of '09, when she burned down the shed? Or the time she got strep throat and served me with divorce papers? I called it off.
I had to pay 2 grand in legal fees! I feel okay.
She's warm.
Just more for us.
_ Found 'em.
It was under a TV Guide from 1985.
Michael Landon can take a highway to my house.
Mmm! Okay.
Thanks.
Come on, dad.
Have you been sitting here all day? Come on, let's go do something.
I'm watching a home repair show.
They're gonna paint that fence.
Why don't we go to that new tapas restaurant? It's supposed to be great.
I don't care for health food.
Oh! I know.
Teach me the Jitterbug.
Remember you wanted me to learn as a kid? Come on.
Isn't this fun? You're blocking the TV.
Ever since his Alzheimer's diagnosis, he's just been sitting around, doing nothing.
I wish there was something I could do to get him excited.
Sign him up at the senior center.
Old people are really promiscuous these days.
He'd have a blast.
Gross.
Grandpa doesn't wanna slut it up with a bunch of old biddies.
Okay, he probably does.
But still gross.
What about an art class? Or an acting class.
I could audit one with him.
Oh, do you still want to be an actor? Too bad you're terrible at acting.
E-train, should you be drinking wine if you're sick? I put, um, flu medicine in here.
(Door opens) My job as Mayor of Gulfhaven is in serious jeopardy! I was caught falling asleep at a town hall meeting.
(Jules laughing) "Snorres"! That's hysterical! (Slaps leg) Why didn't we think of that? All this time, I've been calling him "Borres.
" (Jules laughs) Oh, hey, I really don't appreciate you guys making fun of my best friend.
- (Mouths word) - Oh! Because your name is Torres and it rhymes! (All laughing) (Jules) - Snorres! - (Snores) (Jules) Oh! Hey, babe, will you pass me a napkin? Sure thing, babe.
What's with the "Babe" sandwich? Travis and I are trying to figure out our relationship pet names.
Isn't that right, babe? - You know it, babe.
- Mmm.
Don't use "Babe," okay? That's horrible.
Also, that's Jules' and mine.
G-man, I picked up a local theater magazine.
The girl on the cover had big boobies.
And listen to this-- an audition for a commercial.
"Men over 40, rugged good looks, and in great shape.
" (Taps magazine) That's you! I don't know, Bobby.
I think it might be time for me to give up on my acting dream.
Never give up on a dream, man.
Just look at Harry Potter.
He never gave up.
You read those books? Books? I'm talking about my old neighbor Harry.
Right? He used to live in a buick parked next to the boat.
And then he invented the "Potter Squatter.
" What's the Potter Squatter? It's a mobile pooper.
Now Harry lives in a mansion, while his sister Patty went to jail.
Why? 'Cause she gave up on her dreams.
She also liked to steal wallets and purses.
Patty Potter picked pockets? And purses.
Just go on an audition, man.
If you believe you can get it, you can.
Yeah.
Why not? Thanks, Bobby.
- You wanna split some potato skins, poodle? - Mnh-mnh.
- Muffin? - No.
- Pug butt? - What? I wish I knew a way to get my dad excited.
Maybe I should get him a pet.
That's a great idea, Jules.
I just need to find something to keep the public distracted from my political scandal.
Wait.
Did you just switch the conversation from my thing to your thing? I thought I could do it in a way no one would notice.
Epic fail! I have three puppies.
You'd give Chick one of your puppies? (Laughs) Huh? Oh, sorry I was on Andy's thing.
I was gonna suggest a puppy race.
Puppy race? You're the dumbest person ever.
Wait! That's the answer! A race! Oh, I can organize a Gulfhaven 5K.
People go crazy for that kind of stuff.
Would you quit stepping on my thing for your thing? Wait.
A race! (Gasps) I think your thing just answered my thing! Chick was a track coach.
If we all say that we're gonna run a 5K and ask him for his help, he'd be thrilled.
- "Us"? - Well, if I'm running, you're running.
(Scoffs) Are you new to this group? (Groans) Not you, Ellie.
You get on that couch, put your feet up.
No exercise for you.
- I should, shouldn't I? (Andy) - Ooh! (Whines) Okay, let me make you another cough-tail.
Bobby Cobb, you son of a bitch! Huh? Wh-- You had sex with my sister, didn't you?! You got her pregnant, and now you're denying you're the father?! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sorry, man! I'll-- I'll-- I'll do the right thing, man.
I'll marry her.
(Laughs) Relax, Bobby.
I was just acting.
Oh, man! You had me goin'.
Well, wait a minute.
Does this mean - I got it! (Laughing) - Yeah! Neat, dude! What's the commercial for? It's for this sports deodorant.
I play this athletic stud who spikes volleyballs and works out.
And then I get seen by this totally hot beach bunny, and it is on! I want that product.
Thanks for believing in me, Bobby.
But if you ever touch my sister I won't! I promise! Aw! (Both laugh) (Gasps) Ee! Ohh.
(Breathes deeply) Oh, I thought you were dead.
Dead? I've never felt more alive.
Is a popsicle good for the flu? It is when it's frozen red wine and cough syrup.
(Coughs) Ellie, you're as cold as a corpse.
Let me get you a blanket.
(Hisses) Sorry.
I'll just go now.
This is gonna be awful.
The last time I ran was when I punched that flamingo at Busch Gardens.
In my defense, it did steal the hot dog right out of my hand, and you can't do that to a former foster kid.
Right, Tater Tot? Ah! Let's not go blurtin' out pet names before they're official.
We don't want anything to stick.
Too late, Tater Tot.
Ha, ha! It's just a 5K.
How tough could the training be? - Ow! - I'll tell you how tough it can be after you give me 50 crunches.
Down! (Lowered voice) Thank you for letting me - be part of the team, Junebug.
- (Chuckles) What are you all gawking at? I'm winding up Bessie - No! - Okay.
(Panting) Jules, your dad coached track? Yeah.
Track, soccer, football back before they had helmets.
Aw, man.
This is gonna suck.
Ow! Mother! Mm! Come on! Get with it! There's dirt in my eye! I'm a brain surgeon! All I can hear is "Wah! Wah! Wah!" I forgot how tough Chick could be.
How could you unleash this on us? Well, what was I supposed to do, Tater Tot? Just sit back and watch him give up on life? Come on, we can do this.
I'll just tell him to back off a little bit.
Hey, dad, we don't need to work too hard.
It's just a 5K.
I have two coaching speeds-- zero and turbo.
If you would prefer zero, I'll be happy to turn around and go home.
No, no.
Please don't go.
We'll do turbo.
I was hoping you'd say that.
(Blows whistle) Line up for wind sprints, losers.
- Come on.
- (Andy and Travis groan) (Panting) I haven't hurt this bad since I had to push my childhood home to a gas station.
I would give anything to stop.
(Raspy voice) Anything? Aah! Ellie! You scared the crap out of me! Why are you talking like that? (Normal voice) Sore throat.
My illness has opened up a whole new world for me.
I lie around all day watching TV, sucking on wine-sicles, not training.
I can make you like me.
But Jules needs me.
I'm very contagious.
All I have to do is breathe on you.
All you have to do (Whispers) is let me.
(Imitates British accent) The talent has arrived.
I'm here for my wardrobe fitting.
Hmm.
Cheerio.
(Normal voice) Oh, uh, excuse me.
Um (Chuckles) What's with all the snow birds? You know what I mean? Am I in the right place for Turbo-T? The, uh, deodorant commercial.
Deodorant? Turbo-T is a prescription gel for men with low testosterone.
You must be Grayson.
I'm your director.
And that lovely lady over there is playing your romantic conquest.
(Rizzle Kicks' "Mama Do The Hump" playing) mama, won't you please let me? mama, won't you please, let me? mama, won't you please, let me? mama, won't you please, let me? (Groans) yo, coming in with a sound fresher than cut grass, fun starts second that we enter if you must ask, rush past All right, that's one.
That's one.
Kiss the ground! (Strained voice) One! That crusty old bastard's gonna kill me.
not call it a night, luv and I might just join the mile high club (Caps explode) couldn't give a flying (Bleep) yeah, let me touch back down But, sugar, if I have the flu, I can't run the 5K.
(Raspy voice) Exactly.
other half jiving, I love that sound (Sobbing loudly) Aah! (Sobs) I'm ready.
Take me inside you.
do the hump hump Have a lick of my leftovers.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Don't you quit on me.
You're all I've got left.
(Blows whistle) Great.
Let's call it a day.
We're done when I say we're done.
(Whines) Come on, dad, we're so exhausted.
And my thighs are really chaffed.
(Singsongy) Hey, hey, mama's boy, mama's boy.
I bet you're gonna cry.
Squirt out a few.
Come on! Cry! One, two, three, cry.
One, two, three, cry.
(Door closes) Bobby, I just came by to say (Coughs) ugh! This house smells like sweat socks filled with bleu cheese.
It was him.
It was me.
(Raspy voice) It's so great here, Grayson.
You should join us.
Cough-sicle? (Coughs and wheezes) I hope you're happy, Bobby.
The wardrobe fitting for my new commercial was humiliating! Turbo-T isn't a deodorant.
It's an underarm cream for men with low testosterone.
They had me riding bikes with 60-year-olds and bedding her.
(High-pitched cackle) What? It was funny.
Dude, buddy, I didn't know.
I was happy bartending, and then you had to get my hopes up.
I'm not an actor.
I'm a joke.
(Door opens) Chick is an animal.
(Door closes) You guys are so lucky you're sick.
(Raspy voice) It wasn't luck.
You guys got sick on purpose?! I'm telling Jules! (Raspy voice) You'll have to get out first.
Guys? This is not funny.
- Knock it off! - (Hisses) No! No, I don't-- Leave me alone! I don't want to be like you! - (Hisses) - (Shouts indistinctly) No! A cell phone commercial? Why couldn't I have gotten that? I look amazing talking on the phone.
(Woman speaking indistinctly) (Groans) You okay, babe? No, no! Don't touch me.
Everything hurts.
Just turn the lights out, please.
(Turns off TV) (Click) (Air horn blows) Training time! Where are the other turds? They all got sick with Ellie's flu.
Good.
They were holding us back.
You know, I'm pretty tired today, too, dad.
Can we just take it easy? That sounds like loser talk.
No, no.
I really am tired.
Five, four, thr-- You pop me with that towel again, and I will choke you with it.
Oh.
I'm just trying to-- Well, stop! This is a huge mistake! You're a bully and you're a horrible coach! And I wish I'd never asked you to help me in the first place! Wow.
This is the most conscious I've seen you all week.
I tried to wake you up five times last night.
Wouldn't budge.
I had a fight with my dad.
I mean, this whole training thing has been a huge bust.
But on the positive side, I don't have to run the 5K.
- What, you're not gonna run the race? - What's the point? Jules, the reason you started this was to motivate your dad.
Say what you want about his coaching methods, Chick was definitely motivated.
But he's too motivated.
It's awful.
Do you know how many towel snap marks I have on my ass? I actually do.
I counted last night when you wouldn't wake up.
Look, I know things got hard with Chick, but you wanted to convince him not to quit when life got tough.
Right? If you bail on the race, it's not exactly setting a great example.
You're right.
- Can you do me a favor? - You want me to call Chick? No.
Will you lift that glass to my lips? My arms are dead.
Sure.
Here you go.
- Sippy-sippy.
- Mmm.
Hey, G-man.
I just had to come say I'm sorry.
Just gonna wear that robe everywhere, huh? Look, man, I'm the one who needs to apologize, okay? You were just trying to encourage me.
Besides, I don't believe I'm gonna be a movie star any more than you believe you're gonna win a Heisman Trophy.
Why can't I win a Heisman Trophy? 'Cause you have to be a football player.
In college.
Oh.
Pfft.
Excuses, excuses.
Look maybe I got my head in the clouds, but the second you start listing reasons a dream won't happen, it's as good as dead.
You wanna hear another dream of mine, one that I've never told anyone? Let's see.
I'm gonna go with live out the plot of any Burt Reynolds movie.
It's to get married again.
And I know I'm-- I'm broke and I live on a boat in a parking lot, but I'd rather have a far-fetched dream than no dream at all.
That makes a lot of sense.
I mean, I just wish I didn't get picked for such an embarrassing product.
Buddy, they picked you because you're the young stud that all those old dudes wanna be.
So I say go in there and show 'em what real testosterone looks like.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! I am a stud! - Yeah! (Laughs) Yeah, you are! Now go get it! All right! (Laughs) Shoot's not for, like, an hour, so I'll probably just hang here until I gotta go.
Dad, are you here? How'd you know I was here? Because this is where I would come as a kid whenever we'd get into a fight.
And you'd find me and give me a big hug.
And you'd spin me around, and all my problems would go away.
I'm sorry I blew up at you.
I'm sorry I was so rough on you.
I was excited at getting to coach again.
And I got carried away.
I forgot how tight you roll a towel.
Any time I was ever tough with you as a coach or as a dad, it was only because I wanted you to succeed.
That's what makes you such a great dad.
I mean, you can be tough, but I always knew that you cared.
And that's why I wanted to inspire you, 'cause I'm not ready to lose you.
Honey, you did inspire me.
I needed somebody to snap me out of the funk I was in, and you did.
You didn't give up on me, because my girl doesn't quit.
You want a spin? (Scoffs) You know I do.
What is this, Sunday brunch? - (Grunts) - Get the lead out.
- (Laughing) - Let's go! There you are.
(Nasal voice) Being sick is amazing.
(Wheezes) It's hour five of this Teletubbies marathon, and nobody can judge us.
Go to sleep, Tinky-Winky.
(Door opens) Wait.
That's actually a really good pet name.
Hey, guys, brought you some soup.
Wow.
This place smells like my nana's house.
She used to always perm her hair and never cleaned the cat box.
No, I don't think we can smell anything.
(Nasal voice) Hey, Jules, you know what? Ellie was getting everyone-- Oof! I'm so sorry you're all sick and I can't be here to take care of you.
I'll pick up some flu medicine on the way back from the 5K.
You're still gonna do the run? Yeah.
I mean, technically, I'm off the hook, but I can't exactly preach to my dad about not quitting on life and then quit on this little race.
Love you, guys.
Wish me luck.
(All) Good luck.
(Door closes) There's a thespian in the building! I hope you people are ready to see a tour de force, because I'm here to act my ass off! (Laughs) Now which one of you little punks' job is it to fetch me a soda? Are you looking for the low testosterone spot? - Yes, I am.
- That's next door.
It's oh.
Got (Chuckles) Oh! Thank you.
That's Very kind.
(Chuckles) Next door.
(Bear Mountain's "Congo" playing) I'm proud of you, honey.
- You sure you feel up to this? - Hell, yeah.
Next time you see me, I'll be dashing across that finish line.
Yeah.
(Fires starter pistol) Oh! (Cheering) Oh.
It's okay, Jules.
You can do this.
It only feels like you got shot in the knee.
What are you doing here? You're tough, Jules, but I know you're hurting.
It's okay if you want to sit this out.
Not a chance.
I'm not quitting.
That's my girl.
Then let's do this.
I can't believe you came to support me.
(Voice breaking) Don't get all weepy on me.
If you start crying, then I'm gonna lose it, too.
(Voice breaking) I can't help it.
I just-- I love you so much.
I love you, too, Junebug.
(Cries) Oh, crap.
I can't see through the tears in my eyes.
(Crash) (Crowd) Aah! Keep going, Jules! You can do it! Sunscreen's in my eyes! I'm blind! Oh, my God.
I can see dead people.
Grandpa? Oh! Oh! Ohh! (Grunts) Come on, we can do it, J-bird! (Groans) Hang in there, mom.
(Jules groans) (Panting) Ohh.
Oh! Ellie.
- Tater Tot.
- (Chuckles) You're all here! Whose hand is on my ass? - Just trying to help with the glutes.
- Oh.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry we weren't here all along.
It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
I feel delirious.
So if I confess to you that I got everybody sick on purpose, you might not remember? It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
I feel delirious.
- Let's get her some fluids.
(Bobby) - All right.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
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