Cuckoo (2012) s05e05 Episode Script

1 She's my sister, Lorna.
Well, half sister.
Ken, she's bossing me around in my home.
She's even taken to creeping in uninvited, like Nosferatu.
Well, that doesn't even work cos vampires have to be invited in.
Thank you.
Good point, Rachel.
Still, I don't want her here.
- She's a bad influence.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - Aw, Dylan! - Well, I think she's pretty cool.
Dylan, she tried to turn you into a weed dealer.
Er, yes, and that is the most gangster thing I have ever done.
Don't say gangster, please, you're from Lichfield.
Rachel, you know what I'm saying, don't you? I mean, don't you find Ivy a bit meddly? Well, all I know is she always seems to smell of whatever toiletries I've recently lost.
See, Ken, she's dodgy.
She's my flesh and blood.
No, Ken, she wanted to buy your flesh and blood.
Oh, come on, that was just a harmless sibling It was weird, wasn't it? That was weird, actually.
- Yeah.
- Bit weird.
It's really weird.
You snogged? I just don't want you to feel, you know, cheated on.
(HE LAUGHS) Ha-ha! Oh, honestly, no.
It's an unwritten rule, lesbianism doesn't count.
- Oh, Jesus - OK, let him off.
So, you get it.
Of course.
You were as high as a Gulf Stream 600 and in the moment So who, er, kissed who first? Was - Morning, young people.
- Ivy, hi! I will not get up right now, if that's OK.
Rachel, something good happened to you.
- You're glowing.
- Oh! You could pass for 29.
I'm 27.
Oh, God.
Let's learn from this.
I need more tact, you need more skincare.
Anyway, I'm having a meeting in here in a couple of minutes with your father, to brief him for his newspaper interview.
So y'all need to get out of here.
Out! All right.
Lorna, you can't come in, meeting's starting soon.
Go on, scoot! - Scoop, scoot, scoot, scoot! - Scoot?! (MUSIC: Loser by Beck) (HE SIGHS) Soy un perdedor I'm a loser, baby So why don't you kill me? I look like a smart-casual walrus.
Oh.
- Wear this one.
- It's just so plain.
And very you.
- This Lucy woman is going to like you.
- You think? Lorna, she's the editor of the Lichfield Argus.
If I impress her, it could be really big for the election.
Maybe I should go and buy a new suit.
Don't waste the money, Ken.
I just I just want something with a bit of a wow factor.
This isn't flashy but it's it's reliable.
It's unthreatening.
Like you.
And very sexy and very good in bed.
Come on, Lorn.
Just goes to show, we were getting all worried about that kiss - but Ben was absolutely fine.
- God, yeah.
Just, by the way, you're quite a good kisser.
Oh, thank you! You're quite a good kisser, too.
- (PHONE ALERT RINGS) - Oh.
Oh, wow.
The architect guy has asked me out on a date.
Let me see.
- Wow.
- Yeah, I know.
Well Should I go? Go? God, yeah, like How couldn't you go? I guess I'll go.
Ooh! - How did the meeting go? - Terrible.
At the end, when I asked if I could count on her support, she just looked out of the window and sighed.
A wistful, happy sigh? No, she just thought I was meh.
I told you I should've bought a new suit.
And maybe not met her in Wetherspoons.
You can't be serious.
- See? - WHISPERS: Nosferatu.
- Come on.
- You went to a meeting in that suit? No wonder she didn't back you.
I don't even know where you would get something like that.
Well, Lorna bought it.
She buys all my clothes.
Well, yeah, which is not easy.
There's only one website that sells suits for his frame.
What's that site called again, Dad? Isn't it moobs.
com? Yeah, and where do you go? Twat.
face? Yeah, I do, actually.
But not for clothes.
- Oh - Maybe it's for the best, Ken.
If Lucy Merriweather wants to support a flashy MP candidate, well, then, that's not you, is it? You can't change yourself to suit the public mood.
That's exactly how politics works.
Oh, my God, it's you! You're the reason that Ken hasn't achieved anything his whole entire life.
Hey, I have achieved some things! What do you mean, I'm the reason? Your small-town vibe is holding him back.
Buying his clothes and accepting his failures.
This is Big Jack's son! He should be out shaking the world.
Not settling for this.
He has achieved things, actually.
Ken has a wonderful, loving family.
You know who says the greatest achievement is their family? Losers.
Usain Bolt doesn't gloat about his family.
He gloats about being the fastest man in the world.
And then he does this.
And everyone cheers.
You once met, you know, what's his name? Alan Shearer.
- And he told you what? - He said I had a firm handshake.
Exactly.
So, everyone ready for tonight? God, what are you talking about? Ivy's big divorce party at Chez Chance? - I'm sure she told you about it.
- She didn't.
- And I wouldn't go anyway.
- That wasn't a joke? It's hard to know when you mean things, because you say a lot of weird stuff.
Oh, thank you.
You didn't say your divorce had come through.
Yeah, yesterday.
All done, not a big deal.
Still, 30 years of marriage.
That's what I'm saying, she needs to mark the moment.
Which is why I'm throwing the shindig to help her through that transition into singledom, and maybe even help her find a new mate.
Well, if you must.
But, really, it's nothing.
I'm not going to miss Ron.
His affairs, his love of control, his fraudulent schemes which I didn't know about.
I've invited all the divorcees from my support group, so they all know the territory.
I mean, Lucy Merriweather had a cracking divorce.
I mean, she got the white goods and everything.
Lucy Merriweather from the Lichfield Argus? Well, we won't come.
She was nasty to Ken.
There you go again.
- What? - Holding him back.
Can't you see this is an opportunity? Oh, I think I fluffed it.
Ken, you're going to go to that party, in an amazing suit, and you're going to seduce this Lucy Merriweather into supporting you.
Now, where's the closest Macy's? New York.
Moss Bros is open till eight.
We'll find somewhere.
Come on, Kenny, let's make you a new man.
Ah, Lorna, come here.
No, Steve.
I think we should try a pinstripe.
A muted tone but with a pink thread and a matching lining.
Which one of these catches your eye? None of them.
This is ridiculous.
Stop resisting, Ken.
We are here to turn you into the man that you were destined to be, and that man deserves a bit of attention.
A bit of luxury, a bit of Scotch, sir? Thank you.
That IS peaty.
Show me the blue again.
Lorna, take a look at your new husband! Well, hello, Miss Moneypenny.
Ugh! It's hurting my eyes.
- No, I don't like it.
- Come on, Lorn, it's only me.
No, no, don't hug me, Ken! God, you look different.
I knew the electric blue was too much.
It's because I had that scotch.
I never would have gone for it if I hadn't had that.
This is good.
Proof of concept.
This is what we want, Ken.
What? For my own wife to be disgusted by me? Yes, Ken! You're looking at me like I'm a fart.
Take it off.
Take it off and take it back.
No! This is the dawn of a new Ken.
I don't want new Ken.
Casino Ken.
I want old Ken, my Ken.
- Take it back, or I'll chop it up.
- Keep it on.
- Keep it on and you win.
- Take it back, Ken.
- Keep it on! - Take it back! I feel like a dog being called by two masters.
Two?! - Yeah, I'm going to take it back.
- Oh! It just tasted really nasty.
Oh, God! Not like this.
This is vermouth.
The unsung hero of many, many a cocktail.
Sorry, you'll have to excuse me, I'm just a little bit nervous.
I haven't been on a date since my last relationship ended.
Well, snap, that makes two of us.
It's good to, you know, get yourself back out there, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Pastures new.
Yeah.
I like that.
To pastures new.
Pastures new.
- (PHONE BUZZES) - Mm.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's all right.
Oh, no, I should probably, um just get this.
- Do you mind if I? - No, go for it.
Hello.
(TEARFULLY): Babe, where are you? I'm outside yours.
Oh, why? Tash, what's happened? I'm having a bit of a crisis with Ben.
Can we have a talk? I wouldn't ask, it's just you're the only one I can talk to about this.
Of course.
Um Just Yeah, just wait there, I'll be there in a sec, OK? Thanks.
Oh, gee, I'm so, so sorry.
Um, I have to go.
A friend's in trouble.
No, I get it.
Go, go.
Um I'll give you a call, maybe we can reschedule some time.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
(MUSIC: Grounds For Divorce by Elbow) Ken! You look ravishing.
I feel I want to stroke you.
Can I? Keep your hands off me.
See, it's working.
I feel terrible, I told Lorna I'd take this back.
You didn't say when.
Come on, give it a test drive.
What if I spill red wine on it? Vomit, more like it.
This party's shaping up to be quite the rager.
Hmm.
Here she is, the belle of the ball.
Happy divorce! (ALL, SULLENLY): Happy divorce.
They're all here for you, Ivy, to honour your rebirth into society.
Emerging from the chrysalis of marriage into a glittering middle-aged debutante.
Really, Steve, it's not that big of a deal.
It's a huge deal, Ivy.
Today marks the start of your future and who knows what or who your future holds? Cake? It's stale, like your love for Ron.
Some interesting choices for decor.
Oh, you likey? Your life-sized Ron Mittelfart pinata.
Care to beat the shit out of your ex-husband, Ivy? With a katana? - (BLADE RINGS) - Oh Thanks, but I don't need to do that.
If someone did to me what he did to you, I would wrench the soul from his body and cast it into the eternal pit of damnation, Ivy.
- You say such sweet things.
- Mm.
Would you go make me a drink and get someone else to bring it over? Yeah.
Oh Lucy's here.
God, I need to impress her.
Why is she eating sticks? They're Twiglets.
Well, go get her, champ.
Remember, it's all about the sizzle.
The sizzle, right.
Remind me what the sizzle is again? Be the man that wears this suit.
Say the things this suit would say.
- (HE EXHALES SHARPLY) - OK.
Steve, have you got any scotch? Like any successful bachelor, I have an extensive whiskey library.
Oh, God.
Da-da-da-da-da-da Ah.
OK.
Wish me luck.
(MUSIC: Papa's Got A Brand New Bag by James Brown) Lucy, I did not know you were here.
Wow, you scrub up well.
- Have you come from a wedding? - (HE LAUGHS SUAVELY) No.
Listen, I wanted to say how sorry I was at the way things panned out at Wetherspoons the other day.
Me, too.
I've never shared a fish and chips at a business meeting before.
No.
It does come with a free pint, so Anyway, I wanted to take the opportunity to change your mind about who you might be supporting.
OK.
I'm listening.
Here's the thing.
My ex-wife used to call me lots of things.
Poet, bard.
She often used to compliment me on my penis.
Oh, God! I'm getting a drink.
Hurry up.
Party games! Right.
Now, who wants to play pin the husband on the Ivy? Anyone? Anyone else? Oh, thanks for coming.
I really got myself in a state.
- So, what happened? - It's just that I couldn't decide which wax jacket to buy Ben for his birthday.
Right.
Sorry, Tash, um Weren't you crying on the phone? Yeah.
Like I said, I just I was having a tizzy.
Anyway, you want to drink some wine, hang out a bit? Um Oh, sh You were on a date.
Was it going well? It's not bad.
Great.
Do you want to go back or we can hang? No, it's OK.
Let's do wine.
Come in.
Mum, Tash is here! Oh, hiya, Tash.
Hello, is that the tailor's? Yes, I just want to check that a refund has gone through because my card's been declined, and Yeah.
Ken Thompson.
That's right, very tall, yes.
Did he return his suit? He didn't? He bought what?! Go on, tell me about this boy.
Ooh! Well, er I mean, he still remains very fit.
Um Oh, I don't know.
(DOOR SLAMS) Are you all right, Mum? Where are you going? To murder your father.
- Or at least, murder his waist coat.
- Oh, fair enough.
Oh, they're great, aren't they, your mum and dad.
Like, they're a couple but above all they're best friends.
- Shall we listen to some music? - Yeah.
(MUSIC: Beggin' by Madcon) - Oh, I love this song.
- Mm! - Tune! - Shall we dance? Beggin', beggin' you Put your loving hand out, darling Riding high when I was king Played it hard and fast cos I had everything Beggin', beggin' you Put your loving hand out, darling OK, I'm going to be straight with you, Lucy.
I am inexperienced in the politics game.
There's no getting round that.
But I can guarantee you one thing.
Honesty.
I'm going to be honest with my fellow politicians, I'm going to be honest with you, the press, and I'm going to be honest with the people.
Honest Thompson.
Ken, you fucking liar! - Lorna? This is a really bad time.
- Don't you Lorna me.
You said you were going to take that suit back, and instead you buy a flamboyant waistcoat.
You lied to my face, Ken.
"Honest Thompson"? Yes, all right, I can see the way this is looking Lorna, in America, we call this being an asshole.
And you can shut up, too.
You're nothing but a bad influence.
Filling his head with pipe dreams and dressing him up like Puff Daddy.
I'm improving him.
Don't you want him to be ambitious? To provide for you? I get it, Ivy, your husband's gone and it sounds like he was a shit.
But that's no reason to go taking control of mine.
For God's sake, Lorna, it's just a suit.
It's a symbol, Ken, of what she's doing to our family.
And it ends here.
He's not taking it back.
No, he's not.
(BLADE RINGS) He's taking it off.
What? Take the suit off, Ken.
Not here in front of people.
I said, take the suit off, Ken.
(MUSIC: Shake Shake Shake Senora by Harry Belafonte) Trousers down.
- Lorna - Trousers down! Trousers.
And the waistcoat.
Now, hold the jacket up.
Lorn! Aargh! Aaagh! Lorna! Lorna, how did that feel? Oh, really, really good! Hand me the sword.
Oh Back, everyone! Aargh! Take that, Ron! Oh, yes, baby! Oh! What else can we shred? - Everything in my shed.
- Yeah! Oh, Lorna, let's go.
You know what, Lorna? I've really just been trying to help.
I know.
I guess I had a lot of pent-up anger against Ron after all.
Yeah, I think you proved that when you head-butted the lawn mower.
(THEY LAUGH) Ahhhh! This was fun.
I've never really had a woman friend in my life before.
I guess there's something to having a family after all, even if they live in Ditchfield.
It's Lichfield.
Whatever.
(MOCKING): "Whatever!" "Whatever!" (THEY LAUGH) (DOOR SLAMS) (PHONE BUZZES) Dad? Hi, you two.
Jesus, what happened? Oh I just met a ninja.
- Tell your mum I went to bed.
- All right.
- (SHE LAUGHS) - I fell asleep.
Yeah.
I'd better get home.
So, Um - Bye.
- Goodbye.
I think we need to remember Ben.
He's a really good friend and obviously, what you have is very special.
Yeah.
Ben.
- Night, Rach.
- Night.
Oh, bollocks.