Dad's Army (1968) s05e05 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth his gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? All right now, pay attention.
Those of you who read part two orders will know that we're going on a divisional scheme on Saturday, and I'm very happy to tell you that we shall be using live ammunition.
Oh, that is good news, sir.
We shall also be cooperating with a battery of 25 pounders.
-They will be firing over our heads.
-How far over? Also on this exercise, we shall be doing a certain amount of house clearing.
And so I propose to devote the rest of this parade to revising the drill for that.
Now you, Walker, and you, Frazer, will be the shooters.
-Do you all remember what to do? -Yes, sir.
-Into your places, then.
At the double.
-At the double.
You heard what the officer said.
Come along now.
At the double.
Come along now.
-Come on, Pikey.
-PIKE: I'm already here.
Corporal.
Now, we're going to do this by numbers.
-Walker.
-At the door.
Bang, bang, bang.
-Good.
Frazer.
-At the lock.
Shoot, shoot, shoot.
-Right, Corporal.
-Ready when you are, sir, ready when you are.
-Well, kick the door in.
-All right, sir.
At the door, kick, kick.
-Kick the door in.
-Kick it.
Right, sir.
Yes, sir.
Er, door kicked in, sir.
Right, Wilson, chuck your grenade.
If Jones stands there, sir, I can't possibly chuck it, can I? Stand to one side, Corporal.
I'm sorry, sir.
I haven't been meself today, sir.
-I had a lot of trouble at the shop, sir.
-Yes, try and keep alert.
Yes, sir.
You see, the brawn wouldn't set, sir.
And you can't serve runny brawn to the customer, sir.
They don't like it.
It makes them sneer.
-Tell them it's cold soup.
-Don't.
All right, that'll do.
Right.
Carry on, Wilson.
(CLATTERING) -Pike! -Yes? Well, get on with it.
I'm waiting for the bomb to explode so I shan't be blown to smithereens.
Don't be impertinent, boy.
Just go and do as you're told.
(SCREAMING) Bang! Bang! Bang! Was that all right, Mr Mainwaring? Don't say, ''Was that all right, Mr Mainwaring?'' Reporting house cleared, sir.
Reporting house cleared, sir.
Right, now we'll do it.
Wilson.
Wilson.
-There's no explosion.
-I just can't stand that boy shouting like that.
Right, we'll do this at operational speed, using blank ammunition.
Now look, Vicar, I want you to tell Mainwaring in front of me that this is my hall just as much as it is his hall.
In actual fact, it's my hall.
If you ask me, Mainwaring's getting too big for his trousers.
He's right, you know.
(GUNSHOT) (PIKE SCREAMING) Reporting house cleared, sir.
Except for the vicar, the verger and Mr Hodges.
They're still in.
What? # more than you can chew Come on, hold your hand out We're all fed up wIth you (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
-The men are ready when you are, sir.
-Thank you, Sergeant.
My goodness me, that is smart, sir.
It really is awfully smart.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
I thought it advisable to get something warm before the really chilly weather sets in.
Yes, quite.
Yes.
-Had it tailored specially, you know.
-Really? -Cost me 1 8 guineas.
-Did it? I think I ought to try and get something like that for myself.
I'm afraid they're for officers only.
Platoon, atten-hut! Look there, the chocolate soldier himself.
It's Nelson Eddy.
I heard that, Walker.
See me in the office later.
Stand at ease! Now, our task on this scheme is to occupy a deserted barn and deny it to the enemy.
(PHONE RINGING) -Answer that for me, Corporal.
-Sir.
That'll be HQ giving us the map reference of the barn.
Yes, sir.
Very good, sir.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes? That coat, sir, it's very smart.
General Lord Kitchener had one similarly identical.
Thank you.
Except that his was blue and it didn't have any brass buttons and it was much longer.
It come down to about there, sir.
Get up off your knees and answer the phone, you old crawler.
-Don't you speak to me like that! -Corporal! Corp.
Jones! -Please, the telephone.
-Yes, sir.
Very good, sir.
As we're using live ammunition, I'm not taking any chances.
Quite, sir.
Quite.
I'm putting Corporal Jones in charge of the company vehicle park.
-That'll be a great relief to us all, I'm sure.
-Yes.
Jack Jones, the butcher.
Jones, I've got the map reference for Captain Mainwaring.
-Take it down, will you? -Yes, of course, sir.
Yes, sir.
I'll take your order straight away, sir.
It's 937641 .
Oh, sorry, sir.
Could you hold on a minute, sir? I'll attend to you in a minute.
The lead's gone, sir.
I've got 9-3-7 here up to now, sir.
On the command ''fall out'', I want you to put your kit into Jones' van outside, all right? Platoon.
I don't think we need quite as much first aid kit as that, Godfrey.
That's not first aid, sir.
That's my picnic.
-Picnic? -You said we were to bring some food, sir.
I said you were to bring haversack rations.
That means sandwiches.
I'm afraid such things are very indigestible to me, sir.
So my sister has made me up a vegetable flan -and some rice pudding.
-Rice pudding? There's a war on, Godfrey, this is no place for rice pudding.
Leave it in my office.
-And leave the spoon.
-I shan't tell you again, Walker.
Now, the rest of you, fall out.
-Joe, have you got a pencil? -Yeah, here.
Hello? Could I be of any assistance, sir? Now look here, whoever you are, I can't hang on here all day.
-Take down these numbers.
-Numbers, sir.
Yes, sir.
Certainly, sir.
Just a moment, sir.
Numbers, yes, sir.
That's it.
He's got the other numbers down, hasn't he? -937.
Yes, sir.
It appears so, sir.
-Good.
-Now see Captain Mainwaring gets them.
-With pleasure, sir.
Would there be anything else, sir? Here, what are you playing at? Taking a message from the Colonel.
Are you after my job, Mr Godfrey? Oh, Mr Mainwaring, I've got some essential supplies to collect so I'll see you in the vehicle park later, if that's all right by you.
Yeah.
No, it isn't all right by me.
I'm about fed up with your insolence.
And with your black market activities.
Black market? That's liable, that is.
If you must know, and you're not entitled to, I'm going to collect three scooters I've had made up for the kids in the Eastgate hospital.
And I'm not selling them, I'm giving them away.
I see.
-Right, I'll see you later, if that's all right by you.
-Yes, I suppose so.
I'm only a chocolate soldier man #Adolf, you toddle offI #And all your NazIs, too Or you may get somethIng to remInd you Of the old red, whIte and blue (ENGINE SPLUTTERING) -What's the matter? -It won't go.
I think the big end's gone.
Just my luck.
And the guarantee's run out.
That wee farmhouse we're aiming for is two miles away.
Never mind, we shall have to march.
Get the men out, Sergeant.
All right, fall in, you chaps.
We're just going for a little stroll.
-You all right, Mr Mainwaring? -Yes, of course I'm all right.
Now listen, Corporal, you stay here and guard the vehicles and when we get in position, -you contact HQ on the field telephone.
-Yes, sir.
How will I know when you're in position? That's a very good point.
You'll need a signal of some kind.
-We could use smoke signals, like Red Indians.
-You stupid boy.
That's not stupid at all, that's a good idea.
Right, we'll make smoke when we're in position.
-Permission to ask a question, sir.
-Yes.
How will I know you're not a bonfire? You could do a victory V sign, sir.
You know, three little puffs and one big puff.
When we're in position, we'll send you three victory puffs.
-Right, set up your post, Corporal.
-Very good, sir.
Fall in as quickly as you can.
Come along.
Carry your greatcoats and equipment.
He'll not carry himself, let alone his gear.
I'm afraid my gout's playing up a bit, sir.
I'm awfully sorry.
All right.
You stay here and guard the vehicles with Jones.
Hello, Mr Mainwaring.
Have I missed anything? -What on earth have you got there, Walker? -You can have it, sir.
Ten quid.
Leave that machine there and fall in at once.
It's a bargain.
Got its own cold weather starter.
Look.
Won't you be rather hot marching in that overcoat? Certainly not.
Very good cloth.
-Cool in the summer and warm in the winter.
-Oh, I see.
I'm on my way to battalion HQ now.
Goodbye.
Oh! I beg your pardon, sir.
I thought this was my headquarters and now I've found it's your headquarters.
No, it's yours all right.
And there's your telephone.
-My car's outside.
Keep guard on it, will you? -Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, sir, excuse me.
Who am I guarding it from? Well, the Germans, actually.
I haven't immobilised it.
Oh.
Right, sir.
I'll see those Germans don't mobilise it.
You rely on me.
Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Halt! Fall out! Now, you sit down there, Mr Godfrey.
And I'll get down to H-headquarters-Q, right? Now, just a minute, now.
Let's see the time.
Yes, the time.
It's 2 3 minutes past.
Now, Mr Mainwaring has to march two miles to the farm barn, right? Now, a column of marching men, they march at three and a half miles an hour.
So what time will he arrive? I don't think I march at three and a half miles an hour.
No.
All right, well, we'll call it three miles an hour.
That's three miles an hour.
Three miles an hour, two miles.
That's three twoth's of an hour.
No, no, it's two thirds, 40 minutes.
They'll arrive at three minutes past the hour.
Oh, yeah.
That's what we'll call it, then.
That's what we'll call it.
Now, I'll get on to H, HQ head now.
That was very quick, wasn't it, Mr Godfrey? I always pretend I'm measuring cloth.
It makes it so much easier.
Oh, that's a good idea.
I must try that.
I'll work it out in chops.
Hello? HQ quarters? Yes.
They will arrive at three minutes past.
Who'll arrive where at three minutes past what? Captain Mainwaring of course.
He'll arrive at three minutes past two.
Why didn't you say that in the first place, then? Oh, well.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, could you tell me your rank, please? Signalman.
Signalman, eh? Well, I'm a Lance Corporal.
So you just watch it and be a bit more polite, right? Platoon, halt! Fall out in the farmhouse.
-Pike, light the fire.
-Yes.
Thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
All right, pile your overcoats in that corner.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Deceptively muggy for the time of the year, sir.
Yes.
-Here, take my coat, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
Put it on the top of the pile.
I don't want it to get spoiled.
All right.
I can't see any smoke signals.
I don't think I'd be able to see them even if they were there.
You ought to get glasses, Mr Godfrey.
I had a pair once, you know.
I didn't get on with them.
They made me look rather old.
That don't worry me.
I am old.
-It's not going awfully well, sir.
-Oh, get on with it, Wilson.
All right.
Well, centre it, will you, please? Right, now.
Away.
Over.
Away.
Over.
Away.
Over.
Away.
Over.
-How long should the break in the letters be, sir? -About 1 0 seconds.
Oh.
Right.
Now then, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
-Hey, look out.
It's caught fire! -What on earth are you doing? You stupid fools.
You've completely ruined that blanket.
Well, actually, it's not a blanket, sir.
It's anovercoat.
-An overcoat? Whose is it? -I don't know, sir.
I definitely do not know.
Well, whoever's it is, is going to have to pay for it.
Right, inside the farmhouse and pick up your greatcoats.
I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Come along, quickly.
That's it! There's three little puffs.
And a big puff.
Right.
Now, I'll get on to HQ quarters head and you go and chop some wood up, we'll have a nice brew-up, shall we? There's a chopper on the wall there.
I'm just about fed up with this carelessness.
Whoever did it ought to be on a charge.
Now who hasn't got a greatcoat? Rear rank.
Centre rank.
Front rank.
-Wouldn't be you, by any chance, Wilson? -Here you are, sir.
-What did you do with mine? -I just put it on top of the pile like you said.
It was not deliberate, sir.
It definitely was not deliberate.
I'd like you to know that.
Hello? HQ headquarters Q? Now, Captain Mainwaring and number one platoon are in their positions.
Oh, yeah? Where? Where? Oh, well, wait a minute.
Here you are.
Reference 641 937.
You mean 937641 , don't you? Yeah.
Yeah, well, that will be it, then.
Well, Captain Mainwaring and number two platoon are in their strategic positions.
Right.
TTFN.
Well, that's a bit of a laugh, innit? (CHOPPING) Mr Godfrey? Yes? I've just been on the phone to HQ quarters.
''Captain Mainwaring in position 641 937,'' I said.
''That's the target,'' he said.
I've given him the wrong number.
I'll forget me own name next.
where Captain Mainwaring went.
-Are you sure? -Absolutely, I never forget a number.
They wanted me to go to the accounts department once, you know, but I didn't fancy it.
But if that's the target for the 25 pounders, they'll all get blown up.
-Oh, dear.
-Well, don't panic.
Don't panic.
I'll tell them to stop the firing on the phone.
Only don't panic.
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Stop the firing, stop the firing! Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? It's dead.
Oh, I'd better run to headquarters.
Oh, I don't think we've got time for that, Mr Godfrey.
-I can go very swiftly if I have to.
-Yes, but I don't even know where it is, even.
-We must warn Captain Mainwaring.
-Yeah, that's one thing we must do.
We must warn Captain Mainwaring and we mustn't waste a minute.
That's another thing we must do and we.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
It takes 40 minutes to march there, how long will we take to run? Oh, about an hour.
But the firing, the firing starts in half an hour.
The firing starts in half an hour! Don't panic! Don't panic! -I know.
We'll drive.
-But your van's broken.
Yes, never mind, never mind, there's two cars outside.
We'll go there and we'll put both the platoons in the two cars and we'll drive them away from there in those.
-I'll drive one car and you can drive the other one.
-But I can't drive.
Well, there's nothing to it, Mr Godfrey.
It's quite easy.
Look, I'll show you.
Look now, you switch on and then you pull the self-starter, pull the self-starter, you see? And then you tiddle, you tiddle.
You tiddle with your foot on the accelerator.
See, tiddle with your foot on the accelerator.
Here's the gears.
First gear's up there, second gear's down there, third gear is there, and that has top up there, see? Now the other foot comes into play.
That's the clutch.
You just press the clutch.
You press the clutch.
Put it in number one and then you slowly, slowly you draw your foot off the clutch.
Not as slow as that.
You'll be all right 'cause you'll be sitting down.
Don't sit down now, though.
-Could we go through it again? -All right.
Well, you switch.
Oh, I'll show you outside.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yeah.
-What are we doing here? -We're denying this barn to the enemy.
I can't think why they'd want it.
I wouldn't give a fiver for it.
You must admit it is rather a rather a lovely view.
It's the strategic importance that concerns us.
-Keep a good look out, Frazer.
-Aye, sir.
(ENGINE CUTS OUT) Oh, it's no good.
I'll tell you what, I'll tow you.
Mr Jones, you didn't explain about the steering.
Battery target, farm buildings.
Loader! There's nothing likely to be happening for the next few minutes so the men had better consume their rations now.
All right, sir.
All right, fellows, you can get on with your rations now.
Come on, lads.
Let's eat our sandwiches.
Hang on, Mr Godfrey! Mr Jones, which way do I turn the wheel? Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring, I'm coming.
Are you all right, Mr Godfrey? Oh, yes.
I think I'm beginning to get the hang of it now.
Move over, I've got an idea.
According to my watch, we've got only seven minutes left.
We'd better hurry, hadn't we, before Mr Mainwaring gets blown to kingdom come.
(BIRDS TWITTERING) You'd hardly think there was a war on, would you? No, it's beautiful.
Absolutely beautiful, isn't it? Listen to that.
Can you hear that? -Isn't that a skylark? -Yes, I believe it is.
Hadn't better fly too high.
He'll get his feathers shot off.
Now listen, you chaps.
in a few minutes and their shells will be whistling right over us.
Now, it's a very terrifying noise but there's nothing to be scared of.
These artillery chaps know what they're doing.
two degrees, three minutes depression.
You stay here, Mr Godfrey, and look after the car.
Oh, I do wish there was something I could do to hasten things.
B troop on target and ready to fire, sir.
My, my, it's warm, isn't it? No need for you to wear your overcoat after all, sir.
Two minutes to go.
It'll be interesting to see how our chaps react under fire.
Yes, it will.
What exactly are they firing at? They're firing at the area around a disused barn.
I see.
What happens when the shooting's over? Well, that will be the end of the exercise.
We shan't be here to find out.
-All seems rather pointless, really, doesn't it? -Yes.
I suppose the brass hats will learn something, but we'll never know.
Oi, who gave Jonesy permission to drive my car? Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Mainwaring.
(JONES PANTING LOUDLY) -Don't panic.
-What's the matter, Jonesy? -Mr Mainwaring, don't panic, don't panic! -I'm not panicking.
What is it? Mistake, map, farm barn, proper target for 25 pounders is yourself, here.
You've got 45 seconds to clear off, starting now.
You drive us! Right, stand by.
One minute to go.
Thirty seconds to go.
Stop the car! Everybody out.
-Fire! -Fire! Stop! It appears to be all over.
I'll have somebody's blood for this.
-Just look at my battledress, it's ruined.
-It is, yes.
Good thing you weren't wearing your overcoat, wasn't it?