Episodes s05e05 Episode Script

1 [keys clacking.]
Okay, so what's the show? Let's just toss things out.
- What if I'm the president? - Of what planet? We'll take it slow.
I will take it any way you want to give it to me.
[Beverly.]
You and Merc? In fact [gasps.]
What's this? I don't know what I'm gonna tell her.
You're gonna tell her nothing.
That's what you're gonna tell her.
There's a reason "hug the messenger" is not an expression.
Are you okay? Uh-huh.
[keys clacking.]
[typewriter dings.]
[wind whooshing.]
quirky music [gunshot.]
Quirky music Hey.
Oh, this is so nice.
I can't remember the last time we were here.
Or the last time I saw you in big-girl shoes.
Oh, I know.
My feet were like, "Are we getting laid tonight or what?" By the way, this is on me.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes.
I want to do this.
It's my thank-you lunch.
For? For being an amazing friend.
Well, I don't know how amazing Bullshit.
I could not have gotten through this without you.
And Prozac.
- And Prozac.
- And weed.
Well, sure, but I can't take weed to lunch.
I'm sure if we went through your purse, we'd find that's not true.
I also have a little bit of - Hi.
- Hi.
I'm AJ.
- I'll be your waiter today.
- Yeah, hi, AJ.
- Can you just give us a sec? - Absolutely.
- Whenever you're ready.
- Thank you.
[chuckles.]
I also have a little bit of news.
- You broke up with Merc.
- What? No.
All right, well, you go.
Actually, that part is going great.
Great.
I might be pregnant.
God, it feels so weird to hear it out loud.
I haven't told Merc yet.
You're the first.
Not even my shrink.
He should probably be looped in.
The thing is, I think Okay, do not freak.
I think I want to keep it.
Definitely talk to your shrink.
I know, I know.
I always said I never wanted one, but now, I'm thinking Why not? You know? I mean, I'm almost 37.
- I'm 39.
- Mm-hmm.
And Merc and I are in such a good place.
Okay.
It's like this was kind of meant to be.
May I just play devil's advocate here? Merc is screwing Morning Randolph.
What? And they're engaged.
I'm sorry.
Ooh, tha That's not possible.
Not yet, AJ.
I spoke with her.
I saw the ring.
There's a ring? I'm sorry.
- Is it big? - Does it matter? - How big? - Don't do this to yourself.
- How big? - Like That's, like, Mariah Carey big.
- All right, not that big, but - Jesus, that's still big! I don't know.
It looked big to me, and it sparkled a lot.
I'm so sorry.
How long? Have they been engaged? How long have you known? Not long.
How long? Uh, hmm A week.
A week? You've known for a week? I wanted to tell you.
I felt so awful.
Aww.
- Seriously, AJ.
- Come on, AJ.
Look.
I get it.
But it's Merc who's the villain here.
Don't be mad at me.
Be mad at him.
I think yeah I think there's enough mad for both of you.
Well, be madder at him.
A week? Well, don't You know, if you're ever just sittin' around, thinkin', "What are the cruelest things I never got to do?" Off your bucket list.
Jesus, AJ! [Sean.]
Right.
Is there anything we've talked about so far that we actually like? Anything worth pursuing? I still like Whores.
So Netflix is doing it.
So what? There were two Capotes.
Two Steve Jobs.
Are you really comparing Truman Capote and Steve Jobs to Whores? No, you're right.
I'd watch Whores.
They're already doing it.
Fuckin' Netflix.
It's just crazy to invest all our time in a show that's already being done.
Yeah, yeah.
[sighs.]
I just like Whores so much.
[phone ringing.]
My father's girlfriend.
Just ignore it.
Okay, so Maybe it's important.
Pain in the ass.
Yo.
[Linda.]
So, I'm sitting in the kitchen with your father, and I say to him, "Do you want lunch? I've got egg salad.
I've got tuna salad.
" And he says, "I don't like your tuna salad.
" So I go, "Since when? You love my tuna salad.
" And he says, "Not since you started using that shitty light mayonnaise.
" - Linda - Let me finish.
So he says, "I'm not eating it with that crap in it.
" So we get in the car, we schlepp over to Target - Linda! - What? Is there a point to this? He's dead.
- What? - He's dead.
- Dear Lord.
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, my father is dead? - Dead.
So, he's picking up a jar of mayonnaise.
One of those stupid big ones.
Even if he lived, he'd be dead by the time we finished that thing.
And all of a sudden, he goes [making phlegmatic sound.]
The jar drops.
There's mayonnaise everywhere.
He just falls over, and I'm thinking, "Now we're gonna have to pay for that.
" - Dead? - [Linda.]
Yes! Dead! Why is this so difficult? - So where is he now? - I don't know.
The ambulance people came and took him away.
- Where? - How do I know? - They just took him.
- Jesus Christ.
[Linda.]
Oh, and the best part is, I'm stuck here now.
What? Yeah, the car keys were in his pocket.
[Linda.]
So now he's dead, and I'm standing here at Target like a schmuck.
What so did they say what we do now? What we do now is you come and pick me up! I'm not coming to pick you up.
I got to find his body.
Call a cab.
I can't call a cab.
He had the money.
I have no money.
Who are you? The Queen? How do you leave the house without money? Next time, I'll remember to bring my wallet in case my husband drops dead and leaves me stranded at Target.
He's not your husband.
Oh, go fuck yourself, okay? Just go fuck yourself.
This is the worst day of my life! Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll try to track him down.
Hang on.
Call her an Uber.
- I got to do this.
- Of course.
Hello, Mrs.
LeBlanc She's not Mrs.
LeBlanc.
Tell him to go fuck himself.
As often as I can.
[Linda.]
Who is this? Actually, we've met.
This is Beverly Lincoln.
The one with the hair? That could certainly be me.
[Linda.]
What do you want? Matt has asked us to help you get home.
Where are you? In condiments.
No, I mean, where is the store situated? We need to give them the coordinates.
Oh, I remember you now.
[Linda.]
I'm at Target.
Okay, which Target? [Linda.]
La Cienega.
The Target on La Cienega.
I heard her.
Okay, go wait in front of the store.
- We're gonna get you an Uber.
- A what? - An Uber.
- An ubah? - An Uber.
- An ubah? [Linda.]
Say it without the accent.
- [American accent.]
Uber.
- [Linda.]
Oh, Jesus.
I'm gonna turn you over to Sean.
He can give you the details.
Hello, Mrs.
LeBlanc.
She's not Mrs.
LeBlanc! [Linda.]
Fuck you! Your driver's name is Amjad.
- What? - Amjad.
- Amjad? - Amjad.
- That's a person? - He'll be there in six minutes.
- How do you know? - It's on my phone.
- I'm on your phone.
- I have another phone.
Who has two phones? No, I don't The point is your Uber driver, Amjad Ubah.
Amjad.
[Linda.]
Just put Matt on.
Just put him back on! Hang on.
All right, I found the body.
Now I got to get a funeral home to go pick it up.
She's insisting on speaking to you.
She doesn't seem to understand Uber, and she has issues with her driver Amjad.
She's clearly distraught.
Let me handle it.
Linda.
Take the fucking Uber.
Done.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, she's a pain in the ass.
No, about your father.
Oh.
That.
Well, what're you gonna do? So, we'll get out of your hair and let you deal with this.
No, no, no.
Stay.
I just need, like, a second.
Then we can get back to work.
[Assistant.]
Matt LeBlanc on one.
Hey, bud.
What's up? [Matt.]
Hey, uh My father just died.
- Aw, no.
- Dropped dead at Target.
Oh! Jesus, that is sad on so many levels.
[Matt.]
So I, uh, I need a funeral home to go and pick up the body.
- Can you - [Roger.]
I'm on it.
Text me the info, and if there's anything else I can Yeah, get me a Marvel franchise.
[laughs.]
One thing at a time.
[scoffs.]
Okay, where were we? Are you sure you're up for this? Sure, yeah, why not? Well, I'm sorry, but you just lost your father.
You must be feeling something.
I feel stuff.
I feel annoyed that I have to handle this shit.
I feel relieved that stupid Linda's off the phone.
I feel angry at Netflix.
And I'm also a little hungry.
Probably all that mayonnaise talk.
Anyone want a sandwich? You're not really eating mayonnaise now? Yep.
I'm gonna look death in the face and then I'm gonna spread it on whole wheat with some turkey and Swiss.
[keys clacking.]
I've got to say, so far today, this is the best idea you've had.
It's the mayonnaise.
Let's say you could turn on your TV right now and watch anything you wanted.
What would it be? - And it can't be Whores.
- Oh.
Anything at all.
- Hmm.
- What? I should probably call my mother.
Really? Now? When we're on a roll? Yeah, well, I should let her know.
Technically, they're still married.
- You're joking.
- Nope.
40 years she wouldn't give him a divorce.
She was all about "till death do us part.
" So today's quite the payoff.
Just two seconds.
Keep going.
[phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Ma? - Hello? - Ma? - Hello? - Ma.
Put your hearing aids in.
Put your hearing aids in.
Hold on, I'm putting my hearing aids in.
[feedback whines.]
Hello? Ma.
Feedback.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
Hold on.
I can't hear.
[Matt.]
Feedback.
Ma? I hate these damn things.
[Matt.]
Ma? - Hello? - Can you hear me now? - Hello? - Ma? - I took it out.
- Put it back.
[feedback whining.]
Hold on.
Jesus Christ.
Adjust it.
Adjust it! - Better? - Yeah.
Yeah, better.
Huh.
So, what's new? Dad's dead.
- [Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
What? - [Matt.]
He's dead.
What? - [Matt.]
Dead.
[Sean.]
He's so shut down.
You're assuming there's something there to shut.
- You saw what they were like together.
- [indistinct conversation.]
No, I know, but it's his father.
[phone ringing.]
- Linda.
- Fuck.
I can't do it.
I can't.
- I was last up.
- Oohh.
[Frustrated exhale.]
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Argh! Hello.
What's-his-name's still not here yet.
Hang on.
That's Sean's department.
Hello, Linda.
[Linda.]
He's still not here.
- Hang on, let me check.
- I'm starting to melt.
- It says he should be there.
- Well, tell it he's not.
- He's in a Kia.
- IKEA? I told you Target! - Target! - He's in a Kia.
- A what? - A Kia.
- A Kia? - A Kia.
A Kia? Hang on.
Let me call him.
Here's Beverly.
Hello again.
Ugh.
Hello, Amjad? What type of Kia is it? It's a white Kia Rio.
It's a white Kia Rio.
- A Kiario? - No.
The model of the Kia is a Rio, and the color is white.
Do you see a white car? Yeah.
I'm standing right next to one.
Wave to her.
That's a Kia Rio? Yes, that's a Kia Rio, - and the gentleman - [Linda.]
Oh, Jesus.
I have no key.
He had the keys in his pocket.
I can't get into the house.
I'm not sure what to tell you.
God damn it.
Tell Matt I'm locked out.
I need his key.
I'm afraid he's on with his mother.
- Is she locked out? - I don't think so.
Then fuck her.
Just put him on.
Hang on.
[Matt.]
I just wanted you to know.
- [Linda.]
I don't know.
- I'm so sorry.
It's, uh, Linda.
[Linda speaks indistinctly on phone.]
She says she's locked out and she needs your key.
I don't have a key.
[Linda.]
How do you not have a key? How do you not have a key? - You live there.
- Would you like the phone? No, call in a fucking locksmith.
Absolutely.
It only gets better.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
Get who a locksmith? Linda.
- Who? - Linda.
I don't believe I know anyone by that name.
All right, Ma.
Ooh, that whore.
Anyway, that's the news.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, how's he getting back here? - Who? - Your father, who.
- For what? - His funeral.
- What funeral? - "What funeral?" After everything that asshole did? He's still my husband.
I get to put him in the ground.
Fine, I'll I'll figure out a way to ship him back.
Good.
Now, I got to go to Costco.
- What should I get you? - For what? Well, you're coming in for this.
- No, I'm not.
- He's your father.
How's it gonna look? How'd it look 40 years ago when he walked out on us? Oh, let it go, Matthew.
He's dead.
He's with God.
I doubt that.
[Merc.]
Hello? - In here! - Hey, babe.
So, I've got some big news.
Big big? Oh, pretty darn big.
Hmm.
Intriguing.
Guess who's engaged to Morning Randolph? - What? - [laughs.]
Obviously, no one told you, or you would've said something to me.
But I guess congratulations! [both laugh.]
Okay, that is crazy.
Seriously loony tunes crazy.
Just tellin' you what I heard.
- From who? - Not important.
That I am engaged to Morning Randolph? This person was pretty sure.
She saw a ring.
A ring? Jesus.
I don't even know what to do with that.
Either someone is fucking with you, or they're just nuts.
Look, I totally get why you'd flip out.
But I swear, it is not true.
I swear on the lives of my children.
First of all, engaged? Me? I'm still paying off the first three.
And if I was ever gonna do it again, you know you know I love you.
And Morning Randolph? Are you kidding me? She's been around since, like, Truman was president.
Seriously, I think they named planes after her in World War II.
I mean Okay.
Okay, this this is not fair.
Look, clearly, I have a problem.
I-I-I'm a deeply damaged person.
It's-It's a sickness.
There's something profoundly wrong with me.
But it's only because of how much I care for you both that I haven't been able to By the way, that stuff about the lives of my children that's just an expression.
God knows that.
And can I just say, I don't know how much you heard, but that crap about World War II, you know me, I just "blah, blah, blah.
" I mean, you know how much I care for Which is, you know, not to take anything away from Yeah, I got nothing.
[keys clacking.]
All right, I'm erasing Whores.
Ooh.
- What about racing whores? - What? Whores in cars, competing.
Both: No! Why not? Because it's not a show.
Yet.
[phone ringing.]
- Oh, come on.
- Seriously? Upbeat music - Roger.
- Linda.
- I got to do this one.
- Oh, come on.
What, you think I'm having fun? Well, imagine what it's like for us.
Yo.
We got to ship the body to Boston.
Your turn.
[growls.]
Hello, Linda.
There's still no locksmith.
Hang on.
Beverly made those arrangements.
- Hello again.
- Locksmith.
Is on his way.
He should be there any minute.
He's from All-A Locksmith, and his name is God, help me Yarl.
- Yarl? - Yarl.
[Linda.]
No.
No, no.
Put Matt on.
I want to talk to Matt.
I'm afraid right now he's making arrangements to ship the body to Boston.
[Linda.]
What? Stop him.
Just put him on.
God damn it, put him on! God damn it, she wants you.
I'll call you back.
What? You cannot bury him.
What are you talking about? He's got to be cremated.
- Who says? - [Linda.]
He says.
He wants to be cremated, and he wants his ashes scattered at sea.
[Matt.]
At sea? The only thing he ever did in the sea was piss in it.
It's in his will.
Fuck me.
Fine.
Call Roger back.
Tell him the body needs to be cremated.
Pain in my ass.
[phone ringing.]
[feedback whining.]
Hello? - Adjust.
- What? Adjust.
- Better? - Better.
So, you change your mind? You coming in? No, I'm not coming, and there's not gonna be a funeral.
What does that mean? Apparently, he wants to be cremated.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
He wants? Who cares what he wants? For once, let him do what I want.
- It's in his will.
- [Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
Oh, Jesus.
So what am I supposed to do with the casket? What casket? I just bought a casket at Costco.
They sell caskets at Costco? - Next to the tires.
- So just return it.
What if they won't take it back? What am I supposed to do with it? I don't know.
Stick it in the garage.
You're gonna need it eventually.
[phone rings.]
- Hello? - [Linda.]
Get me Matt.
Tell him it's about the ashes.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
Cherry poplar with a champagne velvet interior.
Guess who? She wants to talk about the ashes.
What? When am I getting them? [Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
That whore's not getting the ashes.
- Those are my ashes! - [Matt.]
Why do you get 'em? I thought they were supposed to be scattered at sea.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
At sea? What is he, a Kennedy? I'm supposed to be the scatterer! [Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
Bullshit! He's my husband.
You keep your hands off him.
We got water here.
- [Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
I'm scattering.
- [Linda.]
I'm scattering.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
Bullshit! I'm scattering! I'm scattering! It's Roger.
There's a problem.
- Oh, God.
Hold on! - [Linda.]
Fuck you.
[Mrs.
LeBlanc.]
You whore, fuck you.
What? [Roger.]
I just got off with the mortuary.
They can't cremate him for at least a couple of weeks.
Weeks? Apparently, there's some big backlog.
Did you play the Friends card? [Roger.]
Of course I played the Friends card.
I offered them tickets to the The Box.
I said you would take a picture with them.
- Well, let's not go crazy.
- They did tell me And this is totally off the record There might be a little bit of wiggle room if the ashes don't have to be his.
Well, shit, if they don't have to be his [doorbell rings.]
- [Beverly.]
Doorbell.
- Oh, can you let him in? It's the guy from the prop house.
Hey, thanks so much for doing this.
Hey.
For you? Pfft.
- Wow, these look great.
- They should.
This one was used in Harold and Maude.
It was also in the first Godfather.
- Terms of Endearment.
- Wow.
It's got better credits than you.
The other one's mostly done TV.
It started off in Quincy.
- You remember - Jack Klugman.
Sure.
[Matt.]
Well, they look great.
And they're for what again? I'm helping my nephew out with a student film thing.
- Ah-huh.
You're a good uncle.
- [scoffs.]
I need them back in, like, two weeks.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
No problem.
Thanks again.
You're never gonna return those.
What, are they gonna arrest me? Come on.
Steaks are getting cold.
[keys clacking.]
It's weird.
Every time I make a steak, I think about my father.
Like a big, thick, juicy you know, the kind of steak even a cow would go, "Nope, that's fair.
I totally get it.
" And why your father? He made me my first great steak.
I was, like, five, and he came home with this big box of these unbelievable rib eyes.
He got 'em from my "Uncle" Lou.
Apparently, the box had "fallen off the truck.
" These steaks were so fucking amazing.
Well, there you go.
So your father did do something positive.
Yeah, wait.
After dinner, I go to give our dog Tippy one of the bones.
[gasps.]
Do not tell me you were eating Tippy.
What? No.
Jesus.
Sorry, but the way you said it.
- No, I went there too.
- [Matt.]
No! My father traded Tippy for the box of steaks.
But he was alive.
He gave away my dog.
You were five.
Who does that? Yeah, no, obviously it's terrible.
- Ohh! - Stop being relieved! No, I get it.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
[keys clacking.]
Is no one else troubled by this at all? What? You're making two ladies very happy.
And hopefully they stop fucking calling.
And you don't worry they'll notice a vague sirloin-y aroma? Hey, if they're sniffing a dead guy's ashes, they got bigger problems.
So did your father really do nothing good? At all? Not one nice memory? He once took us to Disney World.
- Well, okay.
- That's something.
Except he didn't want to wait in any of the lines, so he gets this used child's wheelchair.
- Come on! - He did not.
Then he shaved my head.
- No.
- Oh, stop it.
Swear to God.
I got pictures with Mickey.
You realize that's your show.
What's my show? The father is a con man.
Shifty.
Conniving.
But still charming.
You thought my father was charming? - Mm-hmm.
- In his way.
Twinkle in his eye.
But still a bastard.
The son is very different.
Let's say he's a cop.
Maybe a detective who goes after people like his father.
Right.
And it's all about their incredibly complicated love/hate/hate/hate relationship.
[laughs.]
I kind of like that.
I could see me playing a cop.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, you're the father.
What? No fuckin' way.
I'm not playing that asshole.
It's the better part.
Yeah, I'm the father.
[keys clacking.]
[doorbell rings.]
Hey.
So, the guy from the mortuary called back.
Turns out, uh, his wife's a big fan of your show.
- Yeah? - Promised him a ton of tickets.
VIP tour.
The whole deal.
You will have to take a picture.
Fine.
But it got your dad bumped to the front of the line.
They did him this afternoon.
- This is him? - This is him.
[exasperated sigh.]
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
- He's heavy.
- I know.
- You want a drink or something? - I'm late for a dinner.
- With who? - Just a client.
- Who? - A client.
- Bradley Cooper? - Why do you do this? I love you, bud.
All right? [indistinct sports announcements on TV.]
Contemplative piano music Fine.
[exasperated sigh.]
[waves crashing.]
[Matt sniffling.]
Fucker! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! [keys clacking.]
Quirky music (Soft instrumental music) There's really nothing in - the television landscape - Hey, my vests are here! Parakeets have a longer attention span.
(Light instrumental music) - Thank you very much.
- I say we move forward - with this.
- You don't want to have a - baby in a Grey area.
- You also don't want to have - a baby when you're stressed! - Woman: Matt wants a - shared "created by" credit.
- (Talking over each other) They're being (Muted) and I'm going to tell 'em.
- (Talking over each other) - (Laughing)