Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s05e05 Episode Script

1 Hey, doggie.
Beautiful garden.
Hmm.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Greetings, my name is Evan Huang, and I'm a volunteer for the United States Census.
Do you have a moment to answer a few questions? [GASPS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- A bowl of chili - [CHUCKLES.]
an "Ernest Goes To " movie on the TV Ow! doesn't get much better than this.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Dad, Dad! Evan, are you okay? I don't know.
I saw something.
What happened? What'd you see? I saw [SOFTLY.]
other Chinese people.
[GASPS.]
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat So you saw a Chinese couple? Yep.
They must've just moved to the neighborhood.
[LAUGHS.]
I dreamed this day would come.
I have to tell your mother.
Uh, sorry, pal, but we're gonna have to put a pin in our plans.
Oh, just a reminder now.
Honey and I only have small windows between baby naps to have fun.
I taped the last season of "ER," and I am going to devour it one nap at a time.
- Uh-huh.
- You know, for a while there, I thought the show was called "Er.
" I keep begging her, give "Chicago Hope" a shot, but she won't have it.
He's long gone.
DEIDRE: Okay, ladies.
First point of business is the annual fundraiser.
This year, we're gonna be taking donations to refurbish the "We Are The World" mural at the Community Center.
Why are all the kids white? I've got a better idea, tear down this racist mural so we can move on to addressing the epidemic that is destroying our neighborhood.
And what, pray tell, might that be? Three words.
Low rise jeans.
[WOMEN MURMURING.]
This trendy jean is a menace.
Every time I step outside, all I see are Whale Tails.
Whale Tails? T-shaped underwear sticking out the top of jeans.
It's disgusting.
Jessica, the HOA cannot enforce a dress code.
And frankly, if beautiful celebrities like Rene Russo can wear them, then so can the beautiful mamas in this subdivision.
Am I right? [INDISTINCT AGREEING.]
I'm surrounded by tramps.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
What is it, Louis? I'm extremely angry, so whatever it is you have to say, I will likely respond poorly to.
There's another Chinese family in the neighborhood! [GASPS.]
I cannot go to that community pool again.
The water is filthy.
EVAN: [SCOFFS.]
Whoa, buddy, it's okay, we all reach a point in our lives when our interest in girls reaches a whole new level.
Gross.
No.
I'm hiding the private data I've gathered for the Census.
You always find fresh ways to be boring.
Um, why is there a photo of a classy woman above your desk? That's Martha Farnsworth Riche.
The Director of the Census, a.
k.
a.
my boss, a.
k.
a.
what gets me up in the morning.
So boring, it's amazing.
I'm entrusted to ask citizens questions about their household and they trust me as a Census-taker to answer those questions honestly.
Nothing boring about that.
If we worked for the Census, we could ask people whatever we wanted and they would have to answer.
But we don't work for the Census.
Or do we? So this is the house where Evan saw them? Split-level, not bad.
Come on, let's go knock on the door and introduce ourselves.
Oh, wait.
Is it too much? That tree is beautiful.
I just don't want our first impression to be trespassing on their property while holding a really specific present.
You're right.
What we need is an idyllic meet-cute moment, - like in the best romantic comedies.
- Mm-hmm.
We each drop an orange at the grocery store.
We bend down to pick it up, and then we all lock eyes.
Some song from The Cure plays, and we're off to the races.
That's good.
Or we follow them when they leave the house and bump into them in public.
Oh, I love it.
They're really taking their time at this all-you-can-eat buffet.
Well, it's a great sign.
Our mutual love of quantity-over-quality food will be the bedrock of our friendship.
[DOOR OPENS.]
There they are.
They're beautiful.
But where are their to-go boxes? Would we ever leave an all-you-can-eat restaurant without ribs for the road? - [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
- They're at their car.
It's time.
Okay.
Remember.
When we meet them, let's just play it cool and see how it goes.
No promises.
Let me just get our prop and we'll head over.
We'll stroll by pretending to read this newspaper and look surprised to see them.
Sound good? Oh Jessica? [SQUEALS.]
We're so happy you're here.
[LAUGHS.]
We've dreamed of this day.
Us, too.
Us, too.
[GASPS.]
Is that a take-out box in your purse? It is.
[LAUGHTER.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
We're so happy you're here.
Taiwan, two years ago.
That's the last time we saw Chinese people that weren't family.
Mm.
Three years ago for us.
Back where we lived in Georgia, we once saw a Chinese face in the window of a passing bus.
Wow, near miss.
No, no, we chased after the bus.
Ran six blocks, full speed.
Caught up to the bus at the next stop, but I didn't have any change to get on board.
So I yelled, "Chinese face.
I've been looking for you.
Get off the bus.
" [SIGHS.]
He thought about it and said no.
He'd already paid for the fare.
Ohh, so Chinese.
Disappointing, but I get where he's coming from.
- Mm-hmm.
- Long story short, we're very happy to have met you.
[LAUGHTER.]
So how are you liking Orlando? Oh, I love it, but the humidity is killing my hair.
I'm usually four times more beautiful than this.
Me too.
But the reduction in beauty means less Jewish guys hit on me at the gas pump.
Oh.
Okay, serious question.
Are there any grocers here that sell tofu? There were none in Georgia.
I miss tofu so much.
Took months to find.
Greeno's in Rose Isle.
The hippie owner Pam wears a bandana on her head.
Oh, you're a lifesaver.
I'll have my son, Horace, pick some up for me.
Oh, you have a son, too! I have three Eddie, Emery, and Evan.
Three sons? Oh, you must be so proud.
Well, the first two are solid.
But my youngest, Evan, he's a real genius.
He recently skipped a grade.
Sounds just like my Horace.
He skipped 2 grades, went to Harvard at 16, and now runs his own small business.
- You're living the dream.
- Mm.
I love that you opened an American steakhouse.
Well, you know, I'm Chinese through and through but I'm 100% American.
Oh, me too.
I mean, if I had a choice, I'd eat apple pie for breakfast.
My favorite cut of steak is "any.
" When asked if I'm religious, I say I believe in the Dallas Cowboys.
My firstborn's middle name is "Elvis.
" When I'm on hold on the phone, I doodle bald eagles on a notepad.
When the wife and kids are out of town, I roll my own cigarettes, and I light them with a match I strike off my boot.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
So at the grocery store last week, a stranger came up to me and asked which aisle the soy sauce was in.
Did you tell him it was in "Aisle Slap"? No.
I did know where it was, so I told him.
But afterwards in the car, I screamed for like 10 minutes.
My HOA wanted to refurbish a "We Are The World" mural - that only has white children in it.
- Ugh.
I voted to tear it down, but they don't see the problem.
Forget tearing it down.
Make them add an Asian face to it.
[SIGHS.]
Trust me, my HOA has more white ladies than a Neil Diamond concert, except they're not aroused, they're bitter, and they won't listen.
Oh, they will this time.
Now that there's two of us here, we can set them up for a Racism Trap.
I hate racism, and I love a trap.
Tell me more.
Hi, I'm Rick, and this is my assistant Claude.
We work for the Census.
Do you mind if we ask you a few questions? - Sure, be happy to.
- Great.
How many people live in your household? Just two, me and my husband.
Great.
And do you have a pool? Yes, we do.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, excellent, excellent.
And what hours do you leave this pool unattended? A, "All day"? B, 9:00 to 5:00? C, Nights and weekend? Or D, Other, please specify.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Jessica, relax on the pastries.
Let's get this meeting started.
Um, I'm not Jessica.
Oh, do we all look alike to you? Um no? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
She was turned around, she has black hair and she's wearing that same dress that you always wear.
Though I must say, she wears it better.
Do you ever mix up any of these other ladies' names? I wonder what's different about me and Elaine.
- Hmm - Hmm [WOMEN MURMURING.]
Okay.
What can I do to fix this? That mural you're repainting? Make one of those white kids Chinese.
And the kid's eyes need to be the same size as all the others.
None of that lines-for-eyes crap.
Deal.
Okay.
So we good? All forgiven? Jessica, are we good, or is there anything else that would help you to feel better about this situation? so then Elaine gave me the opening, and I made Deidre ban low rise jeans.
Oh, great, because I know that's coming to men's fashion soon, and I am not comfortable with it.
[SIGHS.]
I've never met someone like her, you know, someone who is almost my equal.
We're so in sync, like that music group, Backstreet Boys.
Julius is just as amazing.
He's so cool.
And you know I'm pretty cool, too, so we're totally vibing off of each other.
- It's cool.
- Guess we're talking about you now.
He's coming over tomorrow to watch the Cowboys game.
And Marvin's gonna come by as well.
Three bulls.
Okay, back to me, Elaine is taking me to brunch in the morning.
But you hate brunch.
You call it lazy man's breakfast.
If Elaine likes it, I'll give it a shot.
Apparently, you can drink during the day and it's not sad.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hi, my name is Evan Huang, and I'm with the U.
S.
Census.
Another Census questionnaire? I just answered one yesterday with two other Asian kids.
Sorry, I can't handle any more questions - about my pool.
- Pool? Lord, give me strength for I am a quivering volcano of rage.
A toast to our success at the HOA.
The mural is down.
- And the jeans are up.
- Mm.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
If we have nothing else, we have each other's back.
We need to find our next target.
- Mm.
- There's a man down my street with a Shih Tzu named "Chinatown" that needs to be taken down a notch.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
My son drove to that tofu place you recommended and picked some up.
What a sweet young man.
You know, I sent Eddie once, and he came back with pizza and a lamp.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Mm.
I've never done this before, but this moment feels so right.
Elaine Lee, will you do me the honor of giving me parenting advice? Jessica.
Of course, I'd love to.
Horace is such a great kid.
I want my sons to turn out just like him.
Well, for me, the key was confusing the child.
If he got an A, sometimes I'd act happy, and sometimes I'd be displeased.
He never knew what was coming, so he worked even harder.
So instead of no praise, inconsistent praise.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I love it.
Try it and report back.
- [SIGHS.]
Well, uh, shall we get the check? - Sure.
I've had a couple of drinks.
I'm gonna go call Horace to get me a ride home.
Excuse me.
[JAZZ PIANO PLAYS.]
I'm friends with Chinese Oprah.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm Chinese Gayle.
So you're a big football fan, huh? I am, but the last couple years, I've been so busy with the restaurant, - I've fallen off a bit.
- Mm.
Hey, hey, hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I finally got Maria down for her nap, though she'll probably get up any second now.
No, let the patient die, Margulies.
It's your relationship with Clooney that's on life support.
Uh, Marvin, Julius.
Julius, Marvin.
Hey.
Great to meet you.
- Julius, all right.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
Are those homemade tortilla chips? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh! I spent the summer after junior high hitchhiking through Mexico.
I met a little, uh, chica bonita who taught me how to make love - and cook with lard.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, so are your guys putting up a fight or did Michael Irvin have them - at the strip club all night? - Oh, hey.
Wouldn't matter.
Your Dolphins start a 50-year-old QB with a knee brace the size of an oil barrel.
- Hoo-hoo! - [LAUGHS.]
Uh-oh, a couple ball busters going at it.
Yeah, you on the ledge about passing on Randy Moss - for that 8th pick? - Ah.
No, don't need him.
Chan Gailey's offense has looked really good.
- Yeah.
- Wait, who's Chan Gailey? Gailey's helped you guys out.
- Uh-huh.
- I have to admit that.
I liked his concepts for Kordell Stewart at Pittsburgh.
Thank God he didn't try to put Aikman - in the "slash" role here.
- Aikman at flanker? [BOTH LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
Aikman? No way.
Okay, whoa.
These chips you made are insane.
- Mm-hmm.
- You make a lotta stuff at home? As much as I can.
Right now my passion is homemade sausage.
Oh, I love making homemade sausage.
I find the key is, - the quality of the intestines - The quality of the intestines - for the casings - for the casings.
- What?! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh, all right.
You're all right.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, I've never been a-a sausage guy.
I'm more of a bacon man myself.
So what's your go-to meat grinder? It's not about the machine.
It's about the man behind the machine.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, I would love that.
- Oh, that's me.
- Hey, can I give you a ride? - Oh, sure.
It's so nice Horace called you a cab.
Called? - No, he's driving the cab.
- [HORN HONKS.]
Hey, Mom.
Somebody was just wearing Jordache cologne in here.
Just want to let you know.
How have the fares been today? Oh, SeaWorld to Disney is on fire.
[THINKING.]
Her "successful" Harvard graduate son drives a cab? Do you like the beaded seat cushion I got you? Well, I think it's okay, but my back is loving it.
[RATTLING.]
It's like getting a massage every time I move.
[CHUCKLES.]
Something isn't right.
He must own the entire cab company.
Yeah, that's gotta be it.
Oh, wow, that was fast.
We're here.
Do you think Horace would mind dropping me off on his way home? What do you mean? I am home.
- [CAR DOORS OPEN, CLOSE.]
- He lives with his parents? What the hell is going on here? [KNOCKS.]
Do you want to get out? This is kinda how dogs die.
So, uh, while we wait for Louis to pick you up, you care for a tour? Of your lie factory? I'd love to.
It's embarrassing, but most of our wall space is dedicated to Horace.
And here's his diploma.
Okay, at least the degree is real.
Horace Lee.
Bachelor's Degree in Art.
- Isn't it amazing? - Art? You spent 200 grand on an art degree? And it didn't cost us a dime.
He got a full scholarship.
Oh, at least it didn't cost them anything.
He started off as Pre-Med [CHUCKLES.]
but then switched majors.
It cost him everything! Oh, and this, in my opinion, is his finest work.
Bill Gates offered him quite a lot to buy it.
But Horace refused to sell.
He doesn't believe in commercializing his creativity.
Horace is a dud! Elaine completely misled me.
Jessica, the way you're staring at me, I'm sensing a lot of judgment.
I haven't said anything judgmental.
Your face and posture say it all.
Betrayed by my beautiful face.
You're wondering why you took parenting advice from me when you disapprove of my son so much.
She's in my head.
Uh, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do? Horace might not be your idea of a success, but I'm proud of him, and you have no right to judge.
I should leave.
- Yes, you should.
- How did she hear that? How much time till we move to the Gibsons' pool? According to our data, we have four hours till the owners come home.
[AMPLIFIED.]
Incorrect! Your time is up! EDDIE: How did you What're you talking about? It It's our friend's pool.
Cut the crap, Edwyn.
Relax, it's a victimless crime.
Victimless? The people's trust in the Census has been eroded.
I'm sorry, bro, we're not leaving.
[AMPLIFIED.]
Eddie Elvis Huang sleeps with a stuffed animal.
Emery No-Middle-Name Huang waxes his chest.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? If you don't get out of this pool, I'm visiting the houses of everyone you know and announcing more embarrassing facts.
[AMPLIFIED.]
Justice is served, Census sty - [BULLHORN SQUEALS.]
- Aah! Thanks for getting me out of that house of horrors.
Elaine totally misled me on her son.
To think I almost thought she was my equal.
I'm out on the Lee family, too.
I think Julius is trying to hijack my friendship with Marvin.
He comes into my house my house and disrespects me like that? Al Pacino? No, that's not a Pacino impression.
That's just me being angry.
Wait, is that Julius' truck at Marvin's? [LAUGHS.]
This is good.
- Yeah.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
Glad to see you two are having fun.
- Guess I was busy.
- Hey, Louis, how's it going? You liking Marvin's meat grinder, Julius? We used to use that to prep beef for our chili.
Or are you two yucking it up about how the Cowboys need to start Marchand or Lowenstein or who the hell cares? Don't tell me.
Al Pacino.
No, I'm angry! Julius here is trying to steal my best friend! It's so It's it's not cool! What? [SCOFFS.]
I thought that Julius was going to steal you from me.
You did? I mean, you dropped chili and and "Ernest" to go meet him.
You know I can't watch it alone.
I laugh too hard.
And you always bring me back.
You got nothing to worry about.
I could never replace you.
Plus, Jessica would kill me if I lost the discounts on your dentistry.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Maybe I should just get my casings and go.
Oh, no, we were making a sausage sampler for you.
Maybe turn you into a "sausage man.
" Really? [SIGHS.]
I am so sorry, guys.
I got carried away.
Well Oh, okay.
[MARVIN LAUGHS.]
Hey, why don't we cook up a few links and watch "Ernest"? Together.
HONEY: Hey! I know you guys are doing something, but can you take it outside? Really, Margulies? It took curing a methadone-addicted baby for you to realize what you have with Clooney? Not a low rise jean in sight.
I did it.
I changed the world.
Think you spoke too soon.
The ladies will kick it, the rhyme that is wicked Those that don't know how to be pros get evicted DEIDRE: Aren't you two friends? Why would she disrespect you like that? Oh, I can't wait to find out.
Jenny McCarthy, what are you doing here? I wasn't going to miss the unveiling.
And I knew you'd be here, so I figured I'd give you plenty to judge, since that's what you do best.
[SNORES.]
Ugh.
This argument is a snoozer! Everyone, thank you for coming and for your support to refresh this mural.
Without further ado, I give you "We Are The World.
" [CROWS GASPS, MURMURS.]
You gave the Chinese kid a math book? You think that's all Chinese kids can do? I don't really see the problem.
Being good at math is good.
This is so frustrating.
Forget it, you are all not worth it.
No, wait.
This isn't okay.
It doesn't matter if it's a good stereotype.
A stereotype is a stereotype.
Yes, some Chinese kids enjoy schoolwork.
But some also want to be rappers, tennis players or great painters.
Their parents are proud of them for what they are and just want to see them represented that way.
Wouldn't you want the same for your own kids? [CROWD MURMURING.]
Well, I think it's unanimous.
We'll change the mural.
- Yes.
- [CHEERING.]
Thank you for saying that.
You know, we might not always get along, but you were right.
If nothing else, we have each other's backs.
I'm sorry I judged you and your cabbie-artist son.
And if he's willing, I think Horace should be the one to fix the mural.
He'd be honored.
I'll ask him when his harmonica lesson gets out.
[THINKING.]
Yikes.
[THINKING.]
I know.
That looks much better.
You did a great job, Horace.
Thanks, Jessica.
By the way, I saw your book in the dollar bin.
No shame in that.
I bought it and loved it.
You and me, we're not so different, right? Just two Chinese artists.
Uh-huh.
- Oh, Elaine, meet my kids.
- Oh.
[AMPLIFIED.]
Sorry, Mommy, no time for chitchat.
The Census demands I escort these perps to the pool.
How am I supposed to go back to the public pool after tasting private? Back to swimming in Band-Aid water.
Quiet, Waxy, keep on moving! - I can see why he's your favorite.
- [CHUCKLES.]