Friends s05e05 Episode Script

What time is it? Nine.
But it's dark out.
That's because you always sleep till noon, silly.
This is what nine looks like.
I guess I'll get washed up then.
Watch that sunrise.
I'm getting tired of always sneaking around.
Me too.
What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions.
We could be naked the entire time.
All weekend? That's a whole lot of naked.
I'll say I have a conference and you can have a chef thing.
I wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey! Okay.
You know you're not, though.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Wait.
What about Joey? The One with the Kips I'm going to a culinary fair in Jersey this weekend.
How weird! Chandler just said he's got a conference there.
That's funny.
Seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.
I'm not in charge of where the conference is held.
Do you want people to think it's fake? It's a real conference.
- Is Rachel here? - No, she's out shopping.
- Damn! - What's going on? I told Emily to come.
And I just need to, you know, talk to Rachel about it.
Wait a minute.
When Emily comes, you won't see Rachel anymore? I'm focusing on the "I get to see my wife" part and not on the part that makes me do this.
So you'll never be in a room together? How will that even work? I have no idea.
I mean But I assure you, I will figure it out.
It doesn't seem like it'll work.
Hi, guys.
What's going on? We're flipping Monica's mattress.
So I'm thinking, basically, we pick it up, and then we flip it.
That's better than my way.
Hey guys, would you flip mine too? Oh, man.
Oh, look! A letter from my mom.
So, Rach? You know how Emily's coming? Oh, yeah.
I know.
Can you hear anything? Yeah, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?" Hey, Joey's ass.
What are you doing? Remember when they fought and broke up and we were stuck here all night with no food? When Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it'd happen again.
So I hid this in here.
Candy bars, crossword puzzles "Mad Libs"! Mine! Condoms? You don't know how long we'll be in here.
We may have to re-populate the Earth.
And condoms are the way to do that? Anyway, it all boils down to this.
- The last time I talked to Emily - Oh, my God! Our dog died! - What? - Oh, my God! LaPooh, our dog! LaPooh's still alive? It says he was hit by an ice-cream truck and dragged for nineteen blocks! - Oh, my God.
- Sweetie, we heard you crying.
- Please don't cry.
- It's LaPooh! I know, it's LaPooh right now but it'll get better.
I can't believe it! We're here! Chocolates on the pillows! I love that! You should live with Joey.
Rolos everywhere.
I'll be right back.
Oh, yes! Get in here.
It's a high-speed car chase on! We're switching rooms.
Oh, dear God! They gave us glasses! The glasses have lipstick on them.
Who knows what else they didn't change? Sweetie I just want this weekend to be perfect.
We can change rooms, can't we? Okay, but let's do it now.
Chopper Five just lost its feed! You know how there was something I wanted to talk to you about? Oh, yeah.
I'm trying to work things out with Emily.
Well, there's this one thing.
Here goes.
I made a promise that - What? - Your nose is bleeding.
Oh, God! You're bleeding.
Not again.
This happened when my grandfather died.
Sorry.
Gross.
Okay.
So I'm sorry.
What did you want to tell me? Sorry.
Sorry.
I can't see you anymore.
I know, it's ridiculous.
I can't see you, either.
- I think you'll like this room more.
- Okay, great.
They say he's only got half a tank left.
Half a tank? Still lots of high-speed chasing to do! - We're switching rooms again.
- What? Why? This has a garden view.
We paid for an ocean view.
Our last ocean-view room was unacceptable to you.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you over here for just a second? These clowns want to take us for a ride.
I won't let them.
We're not a couple of suckers.
I hear you, Mugsy.
All these rooms are fine.
Just pick one so I can watch the Have a perfect, magical weekend together with you? - This one I like.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
It's over.
Damn it! This is regularly scheduled programming! Can we turn the TV off? Do we really want to spend the weekend like this? Am I getting in the way of the room-switching fun? Don't blame me for tonight.
Who should I blame? The nice bellman? Or the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on half a tank of gas? Do not speak ill of the dead.
We're supposed to be spending a romantic weekend together.
What's the matter? I just want to watch a little television.
Jeez, relax, Mom.
What did you say? I said, "Jeez, relax, Mon.
" I've been wanting to tell you something and I just have to get it out.
Okay.
What's up? You know how you said to do whatever it takes to fix my marriage? Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
And while that was good advice, you should know that what she wants is for me not to see you anymore.
That's crazy! You can't do that.
What are you going to tell her? Oh, my God! You've already agreed to this.
It's awful, I know.
But I have to do this if I want my marriage to work.
And I do.
I have to make this marriage work.
I have to.
But the good thing is, we can still see each other until she gets here.
Lucky me! Oh, my God! That is good news, Ross! That's the best news I've heard since LaPooh died! You have no idea what a nightmare this has been.
This is so hard.
Oh, yeah, really? Is it, Ross? - Let me make this easier for you.
- What are you doing? - Storming out.
- It's your apartment.
Yeah? Well, that's how mad I am! Damn Rolos! You're back! How was your conference? It was terrible.
I fought with my colleagues for the entire time.
Are you kidding with this? So your weekend was a bust? No, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.
You're back too.
Could I talk to you for a second? - How was your chef thing? - It was awful.
Some people don't appreciate good food.
Maybe the food tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.
How much was the room? I'll pay my half.
Fine.
$300.
$300? Just think of it as $25 per room.
What are you guys woofing about? Chandler stole a 20 from my purse! You know what? Now that I think about it I constantly find myself without 20s, and you always have lots.
You should've seen the look on her face.
I don't want Rachel to hate me.
I don't know what to do.
- You want my advice? - Yes.
Please.
- You won't like it.
- That's okay.
You got married too fast.
- That's not advice.
- I told you.
I'm going to the bathroom.
If anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it.
Me neither.
Maybe I could do it.
I know you guys heard about me and Ross.
But I've been obsessing about it and would love not to talk about it.
I don't know if this falls under that category but Ross is right back there.
- That's not Ross.
- Not that guy.
He does look like him, though.
Ross is in the bathroom.
Oh, my God! It's happening.
It's already started.
I'm Kip.
Yeah, you're not Kip.
Do you even know who Kip is? Who cares? You're Rachel.
Who's Kip? My old roommate.
We all hung out together.
Oh, that poor bastard.
You told me the story.
He and Monica dated.
When they broke up, you all promised you'd stay his friend.
And what happened? He got phased out.
- You won't be phased out.
- Of course, I am.
It won't happen to Ross.
He's your brother, your college roommate.
It was just a matter of time.
I just assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
You live far away, you're not related.
You lift right out.
Hey, Mr.
Bing.
That hotel you stayed at called.
Someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
Yes, that was mine.
I figured you met a girl and she left it.
That would have made more sense.
I don't even feel like I know you anymore.
All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time.
Whatever you say, I'll believe you.
Were you or were you not on a gay cruise? I'm sorry about the whole "lifting out" thing.
You got to come with me.
- Where? - Wherever I go.
You and me, we'll start a new group.
We're the best ones.
Okay, but try to get Joey too.
Pheebs, do you mind if I speak to Rachel alone? Sure.
Bye, Ross.
Forever.
Why are you here? Isn't this against the rules? I talked to Monica.
Look, I'm the one who made the choice.
I'm the one who's making things change.
So I should be the one to, you know, step back.
No, no, it's okay.
Really.
Plenty of people just see their sisters at Thanksgiving their college roommates at reunions and Joey at Burger King.
Is that better? No, it's not better.
I still don't get to see you.
What would you do? If you were me, what would you do? First, I'd have said the right name at my wedding.
I can't believe this.
I know.
I am so sorry.
I know that too.
Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt, but Phoebe said you want to talk to me about a trip? I just came over to drop off nothing.
So that weekend kind of sucked.
Yeah, it did.
So I guess this is over? You know, you and me.
I mean, it had to end sometime.
Why exactly? Because of the weekend.
We had a fight.
Chandler, that's crazy.
If you always gave up after a fight you'd never be with anyone longer than This isn't over? You are so cute! No, no.
It was a fight.
You deal with it and you move on.
It's nothing to freak out about.
Really? Okay, great! Welcome to an adult relationship.
We're in a relationship? I'm afraid so.
I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.
Saw him waiting for an elevator.
Can I use your eyelash curler? I lost mine.
It's in the bathroom.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yes.
Yes.
You? And you? But you cannot tell anyone.
No one knows.
But how? When? - It happened in London.
- In London! We didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
But it is a big deal! I have to tell someone! You can't.
We just don't want to deal with telling everyone.
Please just promise you won't tell.
All right.
Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great! But I know.
It's great! I don't want to see that! We're so stupid.
Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey! "The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe.
" "If you win, slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, 'Hi, Phoebe'!" That's cute.
We really all enjoyed it.
- But it doesn't count.
- For what? Just count in our heads as good Mad Libs.
- I got to go.
- Fun's over.
Wait, if we follow the rules it's still fun and it means something.
I'm going to take off.
Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun.