Futurama s05e05 Episode Script

Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoa! Ow! Schman! The great rad spot is mega-sweet for party boarding.
- Indeed.
- Any calls while I was out? Yeah.
You got a telesonic transmission from Kif a couple hours ago.
My Kify called? - Kif? - oh, Amy, you're back.
Another hour and I would've thought of hanging up.
Why didn't you leave a message, sweetie? I've left hundreds of messages with your answering machine - but you never seem to get them.
- Bender! It's not my fault if you don't check me.
Messages erased.
oh, dearest, this long-distance relationship is too much to bear.
When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery.
So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light years.
Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache.
Lieutenant, some things came off me and clogged the drain, so if you can- oh-ho.
What's this? Well, well, well.
Do my eyes believe me, or is that my bosomy swan, Leela? Say again? You're breaking up.
Oh Good news, everyone.
You'll be delivering pain medicine to the hive mind of NigeI 7.
Scruffy's rolling out a large pill.
You're going to NigeI 7? Kif's on patroI near there.
- You could drop me off on the way.
- We could, but we won't! It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine! Ooh! If anyone needs me, I'll be in the angry dome.
This is a very long trip.
So we'll all have to go into hibernative naptosis to save oxygen.
I don't even breathe oxygen.
Here I come, Kif.
They jumped right out of their pants.
Oh, what now? Activate glass window.
Kif, I'm sensing a very sensuaI disturbance in the Force.
- Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy.
- Yes, sir, captain.
How about I help you finish that dream you were having about me? Okay.
I was just at this part: Let's try that a little lower and lots softer.
Imagine you stowing away and stealing a licensed starship.
Oh, it's so romantic it gives me the shivers.
I don't care how much trouble I get in.
I needed to feeI my lips pressed against your lip-less beak.
Oh, Amy, I can't stand having a whole universe between us.
I've been thinking a lot about this, and- Well, would you move in with me? Here? But, wouldn't it be crowded? Oh, no, no.
It's really twice the size.
You can use the floor and I'll have the ceiling.
See? Kif, you have so much creativity and niceness.
- But I'm not sure if I- - Hush.
Before you answer, come thither.
This is the Holo-Shed.
It can simulate anything you desire.
And nothing can hurt you, except when it malfunctions and the holograms become reaI.
Well, that probably won't happen this time.
I wanted to show you what life could be like if we were together.
Computer, run program Kif One.
This is so beautifuI! Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.
Yes.
I programmed it in for you.
Four million lines of BASIC.
And if this isn't the life you want, how about this? Run program Kif Two.
Oh, Kif.
We could live here at the shore of the Tranquilibrius Sea, in a time-share.
And I would pluck the moon from the sky just to see you smile.
Almost got it.
Seems to be sort of stuck.
I love you! Run program Kif-colon- slash-slash-three! This isn't bad.
My aunt had a place like this.
Amy, we could live in a bus station bathroom for all I care.
As long as we're together, it'll feeI like a castle to me.
Kif, I'd love to live with you.
Someday.
But before then, there's still lots I want to do on my own.
- What was that? - Oh, dear.
I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again.
Well, as long as we don't cross paths with Attila the- Look! Spirit! And there's Professor Moriarty.
Jack the Ripper! EviI Lincoln! Right-o, gents.
It's another simulation gone mad.
So murder and mayhem, standard procedure.
ReaI holographic-simulated EviI Lincoln is back! The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again.
The characters turned reaI! Damn! The last time that happened, I got slapped with three paternity suits.
- Oh, my God! - Listen up, history's greatest villains.
Get back into the Holo-Shed before I start blasting.
Stop! No shoot fire-stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression! Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun.
Oh Hey! - Kif, hold on! - I totally want to! - Grab on! - Over here! Please, hold me! Have a good one.
- Oh, man! - Whew.
After all that, I could use some relaxation.
I'll be in the Holo-Shed.
Well, except for a few broken bones, some internaI hemorrhaging and a partially barfed up heart, everyone appears fine.
Phew.
Oh, and Kif is pregnant.
Oh, joy! Amy, isn't it wonderfuI? I'm pregnant.
Yes, it's great.
A great miracle.
And not one of those bogus everyday miracles, like a sunrise.
- Aren't you a male? - Yeah, what's the deaI? Just when I thought I'd figured out you biologicaI creatures, it's something else! Let me at him! Get over here, Kif! You're- Look, I'm sure we're all a little unclear on how anyone gets pregnant.
So, Kif, pray explain, and don't spare the dirty words where appropriate.
Well, it's quite simple really.
When one of my species experiences deep feelings of love we enter a so-called "receptive state.
" You disgust me.
Go on.
At that point, our skin becomes a semipermeable membrane which allows the passage of genetic materiaI.
I held Amy's hand, and voilá! Well, okay.
But that better be all there is.
Oh, Amy, you'll be a mother! What a wondrous affirmation of our love.
And all from the touch of your hand.
Dude, hold up.
Remember when Zapp blew a hole in the ship? - Indeed.
Kif touched everybody there.
- Couldn't any one of us be the mother? - Hey, yeah! I mean, what about that, Kif? Well, I suppose I might have gotten pregnant that way.
Or even from a toilet seat.
Though, that's impossible, since I have a private washroom.
My home away from home.
By the way, Kif, your flush seems to be set on stun, not kill.
Look, Kif, I probably am the mother.
Although maybe I'm not.
Of course, I hope I am, but just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test.
A test! I demand a test! Even I laughed at me when I built this alien cross-species genetic analyzer.
But I guess I showed myself.
Subjects, please enter the chamber.
Now to take a DNA sample.
When I pull this switch, the materni-fuge will spin at 10,000 rpm separating out everyone who isn't the mother- Father- Whatever.
Faster! Faster! Good! Fry's ejection indicates that he is not the man mama.
- Nor is Captain Brannigan.
- Oh, thank you, mercifuI God.
Zoidberg? What the hell were you doing in there? That's where I live.
I have no home.
Amy? But that means Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand.
That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No glove, no love.
" - Wow, this is all so confusing.
- Leela, how could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? - Stop testing our love! - Oh, please, captain.
I thank Leela for the DNA she gave me, but in my species the true parent is the one who inspired the initiaI feeling of love.
We call that person the "Smizmarr.
" And my Smizmarr is Amy.
So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something? - Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.
- That's okay.
At least Kif's baby shower should be fun.
I better put it on my calendar.
Thursday.
Baby shower.
Enter.
Might as well plan for my new life while I'm at it.
Set motherhood mode.
To motherhood.
Zoidberg? My face was stuck in a pizza.
- Mom? Dad? I know this is weird, but- - Yeah, yeah.
We don't care how squishy alien get pregnant.
All we care is that we have grandchild.
- You're very open-minded, Mrs.
Wong.
- Hey, you call her "Grandma" now.
Call me Grandma like crazy.
All the time.
Check it out, y'all.
Everyone we invited is here.
- Also Zoidberg.
- So let's open the gifts.
- Yeah! - I can't wait.
We'll start with this one from Bender.
It's my booties from when I was a kid.
- Uh, they're already bronzed.
- They are bronze.
And this one's from Leela.
Oh, I just love the bow.
- I wonder what it is.
- Yes, I wonder what we got you.
- It's a basket! For picnics? - It means a lot to me.
It's the basket my parents left me in at the Orphanarium.
You could use it for picnics.
- Here, Amy, we get this one for you.
- Is it a new party board? It's a board, all right.
An ironing board.
We had your old party board converted now that you not be partying anymore.
- You trashed my party board? - Damn right.
Now you a mom.
The only surfing you'll do is under a big wave of responsibility.
Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life.
You all brought such wonderfuI gifts.
- But the greatest gift - Mine! is the bond I share with my Smizmarr, Amy.
For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend upon us both.
Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing.
And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain burst forth and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment.
That's so beautifuI.
Yes, it's No! I can't do this! Oh, my God! Oh, how could Amy leave me? When will women learn to take responsibility for the children they've helped create? The quickening! My time is near.
I must return to my home world to perform the ancient birthing rights.
Let me know how that turns out.
I must now embark on a perilous journey to give birth in precisely the same swamp in which I was born.
If it's so dangerous, I'd better go with you.
- A gaI has to protect her DNA.
- No, Leela.
Tradition demands that I make this journey with my Smizmarr.
And since Amy isn't here, I must go it alone.
Farewell, for we may never meet again.
My scrapes feeI a little better now.
Hey, what's this fat, ugly thing? A frog? A toad? Or your mama? It's a poisonous froad! No one move.
I'm back, baby.
Behold.
The sacred ancestraI birthing grounds of my family.
Smells like a jockstrap.
- I am the Grand Midwife.
- Hi.
I am Kif, of the clan Kroker, come to bear my young.
Then let the tea of new life be brewed, as it is writ: "And both shall lift the jug together.
" - Where is your Smizmarr? - She's not with me.
Oh, the sorrow! Oh, the shame! Sorry, I'm probably just making you feeI worse.
As long as Amy is with me in my heart, I will have the strength of two.
Apparently Amy hasn't been working out much lately.
As the tea boils, please join hands with your beloved Smizmarr.
Oh, right.
Sorry, but I've memorized the ceremony by rote.
It mentions her a lot.
- I'll try to endure.
- Good, 'cause I'm not changing it.
Now turn, ye two, and gaze deeply into each other's eyes.
- What are you looking at? - May the love I sense between you at this moment remain with you both through all your days.
The tea of new life is ready.
Let those whose love created this life speak each other's names, then drink.
- Amy.
Kif! Amy! Is it you, or have I gone crazy with loneliness? Both.
Whoa! I still don't know if I'm ready for this, but I do know I love you.
And I want to be here beside you.
Great.
Now I lost my place.
I'm starting over! Oh, no time.
It has begun.
Oh, my! - Neat.
- You can do it, Kif.
Whoa, Nelly! Oh, man! Amy, my love, tell me, are they making it to the water? Amy! Stay away from my babies! The birthing is complete.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- I will now take my leave.
I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere but you don't have to talk to me anymore.
- Congratulations.
- Way to go, squishy! There goes my DNA.
- What a disgusting and beautifuI process.
- That's birth for you.
Well, we've given them a great start, Amy.
And in 20 years, they'll sprout legs and crawI back onto land as children.
I'll be ready then.