Gilmore Girls s05e05 Episode Script

It's getting the word out|to the business community that we're here.
That's the key.
We've got to draw them in|with the things they like.
Amenities.
What is it businessmen want|when they travel? - Booze.
|- And hookers.
Anything else? - I think that covers it.
|- We got booze.
How do we get hookers? How about a big banner up front|that reads: "Hoes up at the Dragonfly"? - Or we tell them Bill Maher's here.
|- They'd come a-flocking.
And we're in too silly a mood|to be discussing such serious stuff.
- You think?|- Jackson, what would you do to lure more businessmen to the Dragonfly?|Besides inviting Bill Maher.
What do I look like, the Shell Answer Man? Everybody's gotta have a piece of Jackson.
|He's got nothing left, I tell you, nothing.
His town selectman duties|are starting to wear on him.
That's why the fancy duds? He's got functions every day,|and meetings and hearings.
I tried to work in a nice suicide,|but my schedule wouldn't allow it.
- That sound is death to me.
|- Don't answer it.
It could be a customer.
Hello? Yes, Mrs.
Cassini, I got the note|about the playground equipment.
- Oh, my God, is that blood?|- It's tomato.
It happens daily.
Disrobe.
So you say your granddaughter|fell off the ducky? Oh, she fell off the piggy|and she whacked her arm on the ducky.
I see.
The first thing I would do|is question the horsy because he's right next to the piggy,|and is our most reliable witness.
No, there's nothing funny|about that, Mrs.
Cassini.
- Nothing whatsoever.
|- Arms up, big boy.
No, a little girl being thrown|from a pink, spring-loaded bobbling piggy toy|is very serious business.
- Yes, Mrs.
Cassini.
|- I don't think that's gonna come out.
Poor guy, he's only got two dress shirts.
Maybe a big old bloodstain will help him.
|People will think there was an assassination attempt|and be more sympathetic.
I hear- Yes, Mrs.
Cassini.
I'll talk to my parks|and recreation chairman and get this solved.
I promise.
- Goodbye, Mrs.
Cassini.
|- It's a goner.
I know how it feels.
- I gotta go.
I got a Kiwanis luncheon.
|- Have fun.
Before you go, I just need your|John Hancock on that there.
- Oh, yeah?|- Yes, right at the bottom there.
I was just ordering a ton of extra,|you know, vegetables and stuff from you.
Just sign, confirm|that I'm ordering that stuff.
This is for those extra|parking spaces you need.
- It's selectman business.
|- Really? Et tu, former friend? - I just need your signature.
It's your duty.
|- So impeach me.
- I'll forge that for you.
|- Thanks.
So Dickie hightails it to his office|and e-mails me within seconds.
Dickie's the other you at your office, right? There's no other me.
- You know what I meant, Grandpa.
|- Dickie and I share some duties.
We lunch occasionally, socialize a bit.
But he would cut my throat|in a heartbeat, as I would his.
It's like Rikers Island,|except everyone drives a Jag.
Well, Dickie made a mistake.
He e-mailed me,|thinking that I wouldn't read it for days but I read it the minute he sent it.
He figured my weekend starts with|lunch on Fridays, as so many others' do.
Error followed by error.
That man needs to reread his Sun Tzu.
Anyway, that's why|I am missing Friday night dinner.
Dickie and I are going to be|in the Chicago office.
Send me a postcard.
I'm traveling much less, but I don't miss it.
Thirty years ago, any chance I had|to travel I jumped at, but now I'm talking a lot, aren't I? No.
I mean, yes.
But it's good.
- I don't want to be tiresome.
|- Grandpa, you could never tire me.
- This is fun.
|- Good.
My valet isn't much of a conversationalist.
He's the master of the monosyllable.
Although he can shine a shoe|with the best of them.
- So, been reading anything good lately?|- I'm very into P.
G.
Wodehouse right now.
- That's great.
|- You? Actually, I've had|a personal triumph of late.
Yeah? What? I've just finished|the sixth and final volume of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
That is a triumph.
I started it in 1968.
So it took only, what, 36 years to finish it.
- But, by God, I finished it.
|- Wow, that's quite a commitment.
I've had a little more time|on my hands lately.
Not as many evenings out,|as there once were.
Right.
Not as many.
You're still getting together with|your grandmother tonight, aren't you? - Has she mentioned her car lately?|- Her car? It's due for its six-month service.
|I hope she isn't skipping those.
- I don't know.
I'm happy to ask.
|- No.
That's too much trouble.
- I'll have Robert check with her maid.
|- Okay.
He may have to use upwards of|six syllables for this one.
I wish him luck.
Couldn't you just|ask her yourself, Grandpa? - I mean, you're right there.
|- No, I don't want to be an annoyance.
Okay.
- But, Grandpa-|- Chicken's getting cold.
Right.
I saw the most preposterous thing|on TV the other night.
It's been ages since I've just|flipped through the channels and the horrors to be discovered there.
What brings you here? Caffeine withdrawal.
|And I like looking at you.
- To go?|- To go.
- Don't worry about it.
|- Luke, this is your business.
I've always paid, and I always should pay.
Fine, but don't tip me.
|Tipping now is weird.
Okay.
Besides, I can tip you later.
- That was weird, too.
|- I'm a very awkward winker.
- You're never supposed to tip me, anyway.
|- What? You're not supposed to tip the proprietor,|even when they serve you.
You mean all those years,|that extra 20% was unnecessary? - You never tipped me 20%.
|- Now it's getting ugly.
You were a solid 15 percenter,|sometimes less if the bill got higher way less if you were mad at me|about something.
It doesn't matter, 'cause I wasn't|supposed to be tipping you, anyway.
True.
- In fact, I want a rebate.
|- What? - You've been ripping me off for 10 years.
|- Have your lawyer call my lawyer.
Thank you.
- Are we still on for tomorrow night?|- Absolutely.
- Talk to you later.
|- Bye.
- Hi, Lorelai.
|- Hi, Dean.
- Good to bump into you.
|- Yeah, same here.
- You on your way back to work?|- Yeah.
You? - Yeah.
I'm going to Doose's.
|- You were just at the inn.
Yeah, Tom wanted me to sand|some doors down they were getting a little warped.
I saw you in the hallway there,|but you looked kind of busy.
I saw you, too.
- So, how's our girl?|- Rory? Yeah.
She's good.
|I saw her, like, three days ago or a couple of days ago.
But she's good.
Good.
I talked to her this morning,|so I win.
- Not that it's a contest.
|- Right.
I guess I'll see you around.
|Next time you're at the inn, find me.
We can have some coffee|and chew the fat.
Sounds like a disgusting combination.
|But anyway, come by.
- I will.
Sure.
Absolutely.
|- Okay.
- So, have a good day.
|- You, too.
I'll get it, Sarah.
- Hi, Mom.
|- Come in, come in.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Traffic was bad.
Some moron coming out of Stars Hollow|decided to go the speed limit, which is What the hell is that? What does it look like? It's a panic room.
- Like Jodie Foster?|- I have no idea.
But it's very small.
|It's more like an anxiety room.
It's for one person.
|You could maybe squeeze two in.
And when those two are done panicking,|the next couple of panickers get a turn? - It's primarily for me.
|- Why the foyer? It was supposed to go upstairs,|but the boors who delivered it claimed they weren't told about the stairs,|so they didn't have the right equipment.
- Let's test it out.
I'm gonna get you.
|- Oh, my God.
You better get in there,|'cause I'm a bad guy.
- Stop it.
|- I'm menacing.
Panic, damn it.
Come on.
There's nothing funny about this.
- Get in, quick!|- Stop it.
Hi, Grandma.
What's that? I know how to protect you|from shrapnel and Agent Orange.
- Ask me how.
|- It's a panic room.
Like Jodie Foster? What does Jodie Foster|have to do with this? - You need one for your dorm.
|- That's not a stupid thought.
It'll stop a nine-millimeter shell.
Handy for when Suge Knight|comes for tea.
- Why is it here?|- It's a long story.
Come, let's have drinks|and forget about the panic room.
- What'll you have?|- Gin martini.
A soda with lime.
- This little rinky-dink cart has nothing.
|- Dad got the big one? He stole it away in the dark of night,|so I'm stranded.
I had our minister over,|a couple of days ago and he had to go|without his whiskey sour.
I bet he excommunicated you on the spot.
I've got vermouth, but no gin.
|Perfect.
Sarah? - Yes, ma'am?|- I need gin.
Check everywhere.
- Including the bathtub.
|- Start with the pantry.
Yes, ma'am.
The main reason I got the panic room|is because I'm a woman living alone.
Let the record show|I did not bring up the panic room.
Do you know I've never lived alone? I went from my parents' house|to college to Richard.
But, Grandma, you're not alone alone.
|Grandpa is only a few feet away.
He might as well be a million miles away.
I don't even know|if your grandfather would look up from his stamp collection|if he heard me scream.
That's not true.
Unless his nose got stuck to the stamp|and he physically couldn't look up.
It happens.
He's gone so much,|he's no protection, anyway.
He just left on some business trip,|and it was an afterthought that he even bothered|to tell me about it at all.
But he told you,|so that's not an afterthought.
That's a thought.
|A very thoughtful thought.
I'm sure it was in some way|for his own convenience.
- There's no gin anywhere, Mrs.
Gilmore.
|- Perfect.
- I'll check the bathtub now.
|- That was a joke, Sarah.
Lorelai, please don't joke with the maids.
|It's not what they do.
Sorry.
- Check Mr.
Gilmore's study.
|- Yes, ma'am.
I should just call Richard myself,|drag him away from whatever business meal he's having,|and make him tell me.
It's okay.
|Mom doesn't need a martini, right? Yeah.
Right.
I'll take what you got.
What's good enough for the minister|is good enough for me.
- Your hands are empty.
|- The door to the study is locked.
He locked the study? Mom, really, I don't need gin.
|I'll take whatever you have.
I don't have anything.
|That's the problem.
Come on.
Come on where? I'm not going to let Richard's business trip|keep you from having the drink you want.
Grandma, wait.
- Should we really be doing this?|- That he can live in this squalor.
It's another Calcutta.
Is that open sewage? It certainly smells like a sewer in here.
- It's his cigars.
That's the smell.
|- It's more than cigars.
It's debauchery.
Dad mentioned he had the Barbi twins|up here couple of nights ago.
He and his butler have a little|"auto focus" thing going on.
The drink cart's over there, Grandma.
|We can grab the gin and vamoose.
No, she's got vamoose, remember?|It's the gin we need.
But, you know He must have|five packs of breath mints here.
Why would a man|need five packs of breath mints? It could be the Gorgonzola and onion diet|he's on.
It has its drawbacks.
Grandma, I feel kind of weird|snooping like this.
This is my property as much as his,|and when we die, it'll be yours.
We're all entitled here.
|He's got some new books.
My Petunia Pig plate and spoon.
|What's it doing here? Odds and ends wound up out here|over the years.
This is not an odd or an end.
|It's my Petunia Pig.
I'm taking it.
- It's not yours to take.
|- Dad's not using my Petunia Pig spoon.
I say take it.
Mom, what are we carrying|our booty home in? Do you have a canvas bag|with a big dollar sign on it? Okay, just to remind you, once again,|the drink cart is right over here.
And I think I spot gin.
It's brown, right? I love that you think that.
|Looking for skeletons? - I'm just looking.
|- Man.
I spilled a ton of Scotch on my skirt.
Who's not closing these bottles? - Oh, my God.
|- What, did you really find a skeleton? Gin.
It's clear, it's in my hand, and it looks|good enough for a minister.
Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Will you look at this? - Bright.
|- And tasteful.
- It's a vest.
|- Grandpa has lots of vests.
- It's got glitter.
It's a glitter vest.
|- So? So? Where in the world|would your father wear a vest like this? Certainly nowhere|he ever would've taken me.
Grandma, it's just a vest.
Yeah, Mom.
|There's tons of places he would wear that.
- Name one.
|- Okay, I'm at a loss.
This is insane.
This is the place where|unwanted things came to repose.
Maybe it's a vest of his from the old days.
Our days never included|Richard dressing up like that gay fellow|whose tiger tried to eat him.
I have definitely,|positively never seen this vest.
This is a party vest.
- Just put it back, Mom, and let's go.
|- You put it back.
We've moved a lot of stuff around here.
|We've got to cover our tracks.
Where did you find it? Squished in the middle,|as if he was hiding it from me.
- Can you blame him? It's hideous.
|- How dare he have a vest like that.
The mints looked|something like this, right? - That devious man.
|- Come on, Mom, let's go.
- Mom, Petunia Pig.
|- Grab it.
I have never seen Grandma|so singularly obsessed with a piece of clothing.
Not since I wore my "Gas, grass, or ass,|no one rides for free" t-shirt to the Junior League spring tea.
Here we go.
|Boysenberry pie with ice cream.
- Hot fudge sundae.
Half a grapefruit.
|- I don't want a grapefruit.
- It's good for you.
|- Kind of my point.
It's too late for her, but not for you.
Eat it.
This service is very rude.
No tip for you.
|In fact, he owes us a lot of money because we weren't supposed to be|tipping him all these years.
I know.
Customarily, you do not have to|tip the proprietor of an establishment.
Why have we been tipping him|all these years? - We like him?|- Oh, that.
Bring us some coffee,|and I promise this grapefruit will be eaten.
Okay.
- How long is my nose?|- Very.
What's with the scarfing? I figured since it's still early I'd stop by Dean's new place real quick|and say hi.
Is that okay? Yeah.
So he's out of the parents'? He's sleeping on his friend Kyle's couch.
|It's just temporary.
Great.
We could call him|and have him meet us here if you want.
- Really?|- Yeah.
Plenty of pie, ice cream,|grapefruit to go around.
If we twist his arm, I bet|Luke will throw in some raw spinach.
I don't think it's a good idea.
- So skip the spinach.
|- You know what I mean.
- No.
What?|- It's been a little weird between you two.
No, it hasn't.
- Mom.
|- I just ran into him today.
- Didn't he tell you?|- Yeah.
He said it was weird.
Then it was only weird on his side,|'cause it wasn't on mine.
How about|I come along with you to Kyle's? He's back from the Navy, right?|We could all hang out and hear his stories.
He could teach us some sea chanteys and I could tell Dean|how not weird the situation is.
See, that's how un-weird it is for me.
|I'd do that.
No.
That'd be weird, too.
- I don't like it this way.
|- I know.
We all used to get together|all the time for whatever and hang out.
We had a great rhythm.
|I like Dean.
I've always liked Dean.
He has a great heart.
|I don't want it to be weird.
Neither do I.
Dean doesn't either.
Then, what about tomorrow night? - Let's all hook up then.
|- All who? All of us, you know.
The gang.
|The Fearsome Foursome.
- How does that sound?|- How does what sound? Doing something with Rory|tomorrow night.
- You don't have to.
|- No, really, that sounds great.
- We can all do something together.
|- Yeah.
It's a great idea.
|There's a ground swell of support.
- Let's do it.
|- Okay, if you want.
- Yeah, we want, right?|- Yeah, we want.
- Good, go run it past Dean.
|- Dean? - I'm sure I can persuade him.
|- Good.
- Good, I'll see you tomorrow night.
|- Okay.
See you tomorrow night.
Bye, Luke.
Dean? Rory's seeing Dean? - Yeah, you knew that.
|- No, I didn't.
- Didn't I tell you?|- No.
Since when? - Since she got back from Europe.
|- I don't believe it.
Haven't you seen them walking around? - No.
Were you hiding it?|- No.
I just I wasn't sure when they wanted people|to know or how I should tell people without getting hammered|with a bunch of questions.
Was this before he left his wife or after?|Did he leave her for Rory? Like those.
Questions just like those.
Sorry, it's just, you know,|Dean and Rory together again.
You can back out if you want.
|I kind of shanghaied you there.
No.
We can do it.
|I just have to wrap my mind around it.
- Dean.
|- Dean.
All right.
I'll be right back.
G.
G.
For four beats, and it's back to C-major,|then jump to A-minor.
C- minor to A.
- Major.
|- A-major.
A- minor after C-major, then it's back to G.
Kid Flash, slow down.
|I've got chops, but I'm not Les Paul.
Follow the chart, Zach.
|He wrote it all down.
I can't look at the chart.
It's depressing.
How can a chord chart be depressing? - The title, "Brian's Song.
"|- It's a working title.
Well, it's bumming me out.
It's reminding me of|Billy Dee Williams and cancer.
Change it.
I have to change a working title? Come on.
Then leave it if you don't mind|bumming everybody out.
Or change it to "Lepers are Fun,"|or "Kiss My Scurvy.
" Look.
There.
"Brian's Tune," okay? - Good working title there.
|- Okay.
- Now from the G, we go to-|- Let's take five.
I gotta clear my head.
Okay.
Five minutes.
I'm gonna go water the lawn.
|We're getting brown spots again.
Don't overwater.
|That's not good for it, either.
So, how're you doing, Zach? - Comme ci comme ça.
|- Anything new? Went to the dentist.
|Said I'm brushing too vigorously.
Interesting, 'cause when you're a kid,|they tell you to really go at it.
- Another lie fed to our generation.
|- Yeah.
And now I'm paying with eroding gums.
- Want to see them?|- I'm good.
So, anything else on your mind? Not really.
Want a drink or anything? Nope.
I want for nothing.
- Hi, Kyle.
|- Rory.
Come on in.
- Thanks.
|- Welcome to "Casa" Kyle.
It's not the Taj Mahal, but it's cozy.
- You like Dylan?|- I think I better.
Yeah, I listened to|a lot of Dylan out at sea.
- He really spoke to me.
|- And you understood him? - Funny.
|- So you look good.
- How you been doing?|- Great.
Navy's been fantastic.
Bitching rehab, so I'm up and running.
|I can drive, type 60 words a minute.
- You know what else?|- No.
What? This thing is a real chick magnet.
Yeah, it's the Captain Hook thing.
- Good for you.
|- What are you doing here? - Bonus visit.
|- I think I know what that means.
- I'm gonna make myself scarce.
|- No, Kyle.
It's okay.
- We don't want to put you out.
|- Don't worry, I gotta make some calls.
Check my traps, if you know what I mean.
Give a shout out to Cindy or Luene|or maybe throw Stacy a little something.
- He's been throwing it around a lot lately.
|- Everybody loves the Bionic Man.
That's not me.
Mine plays "Super Freak.
" Sorry.
It's me.
I'll leave you two to play.
Hello? Rory, listen, I like you, and I want to be|more than just friends with you.
- What?|- See? You reacted.
That's what a person does|after someone says that they like him or her,|but in my case, it's him.
We're talking Zach here.
The inscrutable Zach.
|He's driving me crazy.
I just gave him ample opportunity|to address the issue and all he talked about|was his eroding gums.
Sexy.
He's really getting on my nerves, that guy.
- Where are you, schooI?|- No, I'm with Dean.
- He's staying with Kyle.
|- How's his hook? - Apparently it's a chick magnet.
|- Well, say hi to Dean.
- "Hi" from Lane.
|- Hi, Lane! And call me back|when you're less distracted.
- I will.
Keep me posted.
|- If there's anything to post.
- Bye.
|- Bye.
So, tomorrow night.
- Yeah? What time?|- I can get here pretty early but I just wanted to talk about|plans with you.
Sure.
What do you want to do? How about we go on a double date|with my mom and Luke? - A double date?|- Yeah.
Won't that be awkward, weird,|and about 50 other things like that? Mom and I already talked about|the weird issue in detail, and it won't be.
- It was Mom's idea.
|- You're kidding.
No.
You're forgetting, we used to|hang out all the time.
We had fun.
That was a long time ago.
Yeah, but we had fun.
- I remember.
|- So does Mom.
Come on.
- Okay.
|- Good.
I'm off.
I hate these short visits.
- I know.
They're better than none, though.
|- I guess.
Don't leave on my account,|'cause I'm out of here.
A couple of my girls took the bait.
|I'm thinking about doing a back-to-backer.
I'm not leaving on your account.
|Tomorrow? Tomorrow.
No rest for Kyle.
Yeah? Cool.
Yeah, what are you doing|around 11:30, baby? All right.
- So is meeting up at 6:30 cool?|- Good with us.
What'd you have in mind? I'll surprise you with it, but it's a classic|Stars Hollow slate of activities.
- So we're gonna T.
P.
Taylor's house again?|- I wanted it to be a surprise.
- Wait, hon, hold on a sec.
|- Okay.
Hello? - Lorelai, are you alone?|- Why? I'm going to give you the secret code|to open the panic room from the outside.
I don't want to do it if you're not alone.
Just hanging out here|with my close friend, Tex Watson.
This is not a joking matter.
|Can I trust you with this information? Maybe not.
Maybe you should give it to|someone else, someone closer.
- Well, I can't trust a neighbor.
|- How about Dad? Your father wouldn't come|to my rescue if I was on fire.
Besides, that vest of his is so loud|he wouldn't be able to hear me screaming.
Okay, Mom.
Give me the code,|and I will keep the code safe.
Okay.
Here goes.
Are you ready? - Pen is poised.
|-1-1 - Is that the code it came with?|- I don't know how to change it.
The men were supposed to show me,|and now it's the code I'm stuck with.
Did you write it down? Barring an aneurysm,|I think I'll remember it.
Factor in an aneurysm and write it down.
|This is important.
Okay.
I'm writing it down.
-1-1-1-1-1.
|- Don't say it out loud.
Our football team is so great.
|We won, won, won, won, won! Everything's a joke.
No, Mom, seriously,|the mailman overheard.
I gotta get off the phone|and chase him down and whack him.
- Hide that number.
|- I will.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I'm back.
That was Mom giving me|the secret panic room code.
- She should just give it to Grandpa.
|- I suggested that, but she scoffed.
Those two should just divorce|and get it over with.
- Don't say that.
|- I was just talking.
It's not funny.
But this standoff between them|isn't good for anybody.
Mom's getting more insane and sharing the insanity with me|and everybody else.
Divorce is not the answer.
I can tell you for a fact|that Grandpa is miserable.
Really? He and Jeeves seem very happy|in their new modern relationship.
- Grandpa misses Grandma terribly.
|- Why? He say something like that? - I just know.
|- How? Yesterday, when we had lunch on campus,|Grandpa told me that he finished Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
|You see? You want to de-Mensa the reference? No one sits at home alone|reading that book unless it's a class assignment.
|It just doesn't happen.
It's a honking long book.
|It's clearly a cry for help.
You're very anti-intellectual.
He asked me if Grandma had taken|her car in for its six-month service.
Hon, that's concern for her car, not for her.
No, that's concern about Grandma|and her safety.
Why didn't you mention this|to Mom at dinner? Maybe she would have been less panicked|about what he's doing with his time and the now infamous glitter vest.
- But I didn't want to open a can of worms.
|- How would that open up a can of worms? If I told her what I said,|I'd have to tell her I had lunch with him a lunch that I had previously|not informed her of and that would have made her|jealous and defensive.
- The less you tell Grandma, the better.
|- By George, I think she's got it.
What? I've been trying to burn that into|your brain since you were a baby but you stubbornly resisted.
|Now a breakthrough.
I'm so proud.
So, 6:30, you said? By the gazebo.
Dress is cas.
I really hate what's going on|with Grandma and Grandpa.
I know, hon, but it's up to them to fix it.
I guess.
I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye-bye.
Lorelai? This is a surprise.
|Did we have an appointment? No, I just stopped by|to pick something up for Mom.
- Apparently, she's not home.
|- She's at her DAR meeting.
She's always there|mid-Saturday afternoons.
- You should know that.
|- Oh, yeah.
I guess I forgot.
Maybe one day the entire DAR|will go collectively wiggy and meet on a late Saturday afternoon.
I doubt that.
Can I get you something?|Water, soda? No, thanks.
I'm fine.
- I see you have your nose in your Proust.
|- Yes, have you read him? I tried once.
Struck out.
- That's a lot of Certs.
|- You know how that is.
You pick one up, you forget you have it.
|You pick up another.
The cycle continues.
Kind of like me and men.
- What?|- I don't know.
- Mom wasn't here, so there was a vacuum.
|- I'm sorry about the mess.
My man is with his sick mother,|and I'm kind of left in the lurch here.
Your Lurch left you in the lurch.
|Is that where that's from? You know, Lurch on the "Addams Family,"|'cause he would leave people in the lurch? I'm not familiar with|the etymology of "Lurch.
" So Lurch is away,|you're back from your trip.
- Anything else new with you?|- Not that I can think of.
How have you been|spending your time lately? - Anything new and fancy?|- Not really.
I joined a barbershop quartet.
- Aha!|- What do you mean, "aha"? And what does|the barbershop quartet entail? It's a musical group.
|We dress up in outfits.
- Aha!|- Stop saying that.
- What kind of outfits?|- Old-timey period things.
- Straw hats, vests?|- That kind of thing.
- And don't say "aha" again.
It's loud.
|- Dad, have you talked to Mom lately? - Your mother has nothing to say to me.
|- That's not true.
I'm sure she'd be interested|in what you're doing - like the quartet thing.
|- Why? Why? You were together 40 years.
- She couldn't care less about what I do.
|- Dad, you're still her husband and if you're filling|your nights with something I'm sure she'd be curious|what you're filling them with as you would be with her.
Just think about it, okay? I'll tell Robert to tell your mother|you were here when he gets back.
Bye.
When did the bathroom sink stop up? It just happened.
|I called the landlord.
He's on it.
- 'Cause we've got rights.
This isn't Russia.
|- Can I scoot in here? Sure.
Don't brush too hard, dude.
|I'd show you my gums, but you'd puke.
- What about flossing?|- You mean the silent killer? It's a rope of destruction.
- Nothing's safe anymore.
|- Gentle little strokes.
We still lack basic necessities, man.
|We've gotta get a plunger.
- Yeah.
|- Wanna go today? To get a plunger? I know a store that sells them used.
- Zach?|- Yeah? I've changed my mind.
|I've changed my mind.
I'm taking it back.
- Taking what back?|- I have no feelings for you.
I was confused before, that's all.
|But not anymore.
We're roommates and band mates,|and that's it, and that's all it'll ever be.
- Is that them?|- That's Stretch and Skinny.
- Man, he's wearing nice slacks.
|- I don't think so.
- They're creased.
|- That equals nice? I hate that.
It's hard enough|getting dressed for a date.
When you're gonna double with people,|it's like dressing for four.
At least be thankful you're not|wearing your penguin outfit.
Then you really would have|been out of place.
This is so not a slacks evening.
Please stop saying slacks.
|That word is creepy.
Sorry.
And don't mention|the "S" word to them, okay? Dean is going to be|uncomfortable enough as it is.
We don't want him to think|that we're judging him or that you're inordinately|interested in his pants.
Hi.
- Dean.
|- Hi.
- This is going to be fun.
|- Yeah, absolutely.
How you doing, buddy? - Yeah, good.
How you doing?|- Too bad you weren't holding a trophy.
- That would have made a great picture.
|- So what's on the agenda? We grab some takeout, then hit|the Black, White, and Read Movie Theater.
- Cool.
|- I miss that place.
It's been forever.
They're playing a great movie tonight,|CooI Hand Luke.
- Not too shabby.
|- Let's go get the food.
Good timing.
No line at Jojo's.
- Let's just get the stuff at my place.
|- Why? Same kind of food, but better.
- Yours is way better.
|- That's why we're going to Jojo's.
- What?|- Allow me.
- Take it.
|- We always do Jojo's on BWR nights.
That's short for|Black, White, and Read Movie Theater.
I'm following it.
Because your stuff is good,|and it has to be eaten pretty quickly.
If it sits around, it starts to suck.
- That's true of all food.
|- But not Jojo's.
Jojo's sucks to begin with,|so it's no worse when you eat it later.
It's a relativity thing.
|Einstein and whatnot.
The secret is Jojo's chili.
|The chili acts as a seal.
Jojo's burgers could travel to China,|and they'd still be just as good.
- Because they start off bad.
|- Get it? - Not really.
|- Good, then let's go.
- Plus, Jojo's is cheaper.
|- 'Cause it sucks.
I'm just saying.
Jojo is going to be so excited|to be making a sale.
Hello? - Are they open?|- The sign said they were.
- Hello?|- I have a gun! Chill out, Kirk.
We're here for the movie.
- You were supposed to pay out front.
|- You weren't out front.
- Here's $20.
|- That's too much.
Keep the change.
- You can get in 16 more people for that.
|- Put it towards the popcorn.
- Let's sit.
|- Yes.
- Let's take Big Red.
|- Yes, Big Red.
- That's the name for the couch.
|- Thanks.
I kind of caught onto that.
- Sorry.
|- No, you go.
- That's okay.
|- No, that's fine.
It's the same down here.
Cool, we have a short feature to start.
The Katz 'n Jammer Kids|Try to Sit on the Couch.
I love the emptiness.
Yeah, it means we can talk|during the movie.
Would people being here|have stopped you? We would have hesitated ever so slightly.
Food.
Hello, everybody and welcome to|the Black, White, and Red Theater.
- How are we all doing tonight?|- Good, Kirk.
How are you? Good, I'm Kirk.
I'm very proud to announce|that tonight's feature presentation is the classic "CooI Hand Luke.
" But I'm deeply sorry to report|that the first reel of the movie inexplicably caught fire|earlier this evening.
Oh, no.
That's what happens|when Richard Pryor is your projectionist.
I can still show you the film,|but you'd miss the first 25 minutes.
I'd be happy to recap what you'd miss,|or even act it out for you.
- Must say, I do a wicked George Kennedy.
|- What do you think? - First 25 minutes are pretty important.
|- I agree.
But having Kirk re-enact things|can be pretty disturbing.
He totally ruined|"Last Tango in Paris" for me.
What are our options|in place of "CooI Hand," Kirk? I can offer you anything|from the theater's library of films.
What have you got? A series of graphically violent|driver's education films or "The Adventures of Pippi Longstocking.
" Pippi! Pippi! "Annika, it's Pippi! " "Pippi Longstocking" it is.
Enjoy your film.
How long has it been|since we've seen "Pippi Longstocking?" Too long.
It's gotta be one of our|most-watched films ever.
It's up there.
I've seen it|at least three times with you two.
- Isn't it some kind of kids' movie?|- Wait a minute.
- Have you never seen this movie?|- Never.
- We've got us a Pippi virgin.
|- I didn't think there were any left.
- And it's not a kids' movie.
|- It's a classic of surrealism.
- And bizarre cinematography.
|- And atonal singing.
And forced acting.
What happened to her hair? She's between stylists right now.
|It's very awkward.
Unbelievable.
- You okay?|- Yeah.
Of course.
Not a bad effect.
I don't think George Lucas|is shaking in his boots, though.
I've always wanted to lift|an immense quadruped over my head.
- What?|- I can't hear anything.
- I'll speak up.
|- Not you, the movie.
Why do you wear such large shoes? I love wiggling my toes,|and I need plenty of room.
I still don't understand|why every merchant in town takes her gold coins as payment|without questioning where she got them.
Her father's a cannibal king.
|Everyone knows they're lousy with gold.
This was a book, right?|I should get the book.
You want to pass|the popcorn there, buddy? - Yeah.
Sorry.
|- We're below quarter full with the tub.
- You guys wanna fetch a refill?|- Sure.
And drinks.
Thanks, Rory.
Kirk? - Kirk?|- Yeah.
Hey, Lulu.
Hi, Rory.
Hi, Dean.
Hi.
We're needing more popcorn.
Coming up.
- Hold that thought.
|- I will.
Boy, "Pippi" is a great make-out movie.
Much better than "Blood on the Highway " or "That's My Daughter's Head.
" Hey, Cool Hand? - Try to drop the 'tude.
|- What 'tude? You practically barked at Dean|to pass the popcorn.
I didn't bark at him.
|Besides, he was hogging it.
- Say popcorn more nicely, please.
|- I'll try.
Good.
- Does he have to be all over her like that?|- Who? Kirk? It's healthy for him.
- His complexion has never been better.
|- Dean.
- All they were doing was holding hands.
|- Yeah, it was that innocent.
Unless he has a third hand he wasn't holding anything|he wasn't supposed to be holding.
And the way|he grabbed that drink from her and started slurping on it.
She gave it to him to drink.
Come on, chill.
- For me.
And for Rory.
It's important.
|- I said I will, and I will.
- Thanks, guys.
|- Thank you, Dean.
No problem.
Your eyes are bigger than your tummy,|and I don't want you to get sick.
Now sit over here with Tommy and Annika|and finish what you have.
Hi, Zach.
- I got something to say.
|- Okay.
You've known me for two years.
|You've seen the good and the bad.
Yeah.
- I mean, yes.
|- You probably know me better than most people,|including my parents.
Neither of them have seen me cry during "Dances with Wolves," and you have.
What's this about, Zach? You, of all people, know that it takes me|a while to process things, okay? You saw how long it took me|to get that chord change in "Brian's Tune.
" It was a tricky chord change.
|It wasn't your fault.
Whatever.
It's just the way it is.
Now, I may not be fast,|but that's what we're dealing with here.
And this issue with me and you is going to take longer|than a chord change, okay? - Sure.
|- I hope you weren't expecting An Officer and a Gentleman|kind of thing when I came in just now.
- I was not expecting that.
|- Good.
So we clear? - Yes.
|- Good.
- You want something to eat?|- Yes.
- Name it.
|- Give me a minute, okay? Sorry.
Sure.
Take a minute.
Did she own that house she lived in|before she rode the horse into town or did she buy it with her gold coins? - That's a good question.
|- Yeah, I see a prequel in the works.
The Adventures of Pippi in Escrow.
I'd go see it.
So, beverages.
Shout them out.
- Water.
|- Beer.
Yeah, beer sounds good.
- You're serious.
You want a beer?|- Yeah.
Yeah, okay, bring him a beer.
|He's not driving, or 21.
Fine.
I won't have a beer.
No, buddy, go ahead.
Have a beer if you|want one.
You're tall.
You've got slacks.
- You can have one.
|- I don't want one anymore.
- Can I substitute something for you there?|- Water, I guess.
Put some barley and hops in it, buddy.
|No one's judging here.
- Water.
|- We have good water here, right, Mom? Yeah.
|And I'll bring out a couple of extra beers and those of us who want them|can grab them as need be.
Just keep an eye on Rory,|or she'll grab them all for herself.
- I'll try to refrain.
Need help?|- No, you stay, entertain.
I'll be right back.
Remember when you guys were|on a softball team together? It was just a pickup game.
But you guys played|a neighboring town, right? I forget which one.
But I do remember|that you guys did Stars Hollow proud.
In fact, I think it's probably the best team|Stars Hollow has ever thrown.
Or however you would|word that phrase I attempted in the proper softball vernacular.
- Yeah, well, I haven't played in a while.
|- Same here.
- What's that? A song?|- No, it's just - Okay.
Here are the beverages.
|- Thanks.
- I'll be right back.
|- Where are you going? - It's time to bring out the Bop It.
|- Bop It! Yes! Good idea.
- Look what I found.
|- Bop It! - Who wants to play?|- I want to play! Let's all play.
You guys know how to play? I've played it here before.
- Yeah, he has.
|- Yeah, I remember.
- Hey, Cool Hand.
|- What is it? Oh, well each guy holds one of the handles.
And you start it up,|and then you do whatever it says.
You twist it, or pull it, or bop it|until one of you is out.
Watch.
I'll be yellow.
You be green.
Twist it.
Pull it.
Bop it.
Yellow.
Flick it.
Okay, you try it.
Come on.
It looks like Luke is green,|and Dean is yellow.
- We've got ourselves a contest here.
|- Yeah.
- You wanna do a practice run?|- It's not that complicated.
Here we go.
Twist it.
Spin it.
Pull it.
Pull it.
Flick it.
Don't hurt the Bop It, guys.
|It's got feelings, too.
Pull it.
Bop it.
Yellow.
Looks like it's a draw.
Good going, guys.
|Why don't you take a break? Green.
Twist it.
Twist it.
Twist it.
Bop it.
Green wins.
In your face! - Fine.
You won.
|- I hammered you, buddy.
- It's just a stupid game.
|- Says the loser.
- I got to go.
|- Already? It's getting late.
- Thank you, Lorelai.
Thanks for everything.
|- You're welcome, Dean.
Anytime.
- I'll call you later.
|- Okay.
Call me.
- Thanks a lot.
|- What did I do? We shouldn't have gone out like this|if people didn't want to.
- Rory, I wanted to.
|- You made no effort.
I did.
I swear.
Luke, we can talk about this later.
- He had some sort of chip on his shoulder.
|- Come on, Luke.
You're the reason|we had to pull out the Bop It.
Bop It is what we bring out for social|gatherings that need mouth-to-mouth.
I'm going back to school.
Rory, wait.
I feel awful here.
No, it's okay.
Whatever.
Bye, Mom.
- Bye, honey.
Drive safely.
|- Yeah, drive safe.
- I feel awful.
|- You know, it's my fault.
I forced this.
It's not your fault.
|I shouldn't have said yes to a double date.
I wanted to do this.
But I can't be around that guy.
|I knew that, and I said yes anyway.
- Why can't you be around him?|- Because he's not good for her.
- He's not.
He's not right for her.
|- You're mad at Dean from years past.
What's past is past.
They're a couple now.
Do you even remember|why you're mad at him? He's a punk.
That's what I remember.
Just look at his history.
|He broke her heart before.
Their problems were mutual.
|You don't know the whole story.
He got married and bailed out|before the honeymoon was even over.
When you're young, you make mistakes.
He was pining for Rory,|and he got married.
That's unstable.
He's 19.
Give him a break.
He doesn't know what he wants.
|He's proven that.
- How can Rory trust him now?|- Matters of the heart are not science.
- There are no sure things.
|- He's not good enough for her.
- Who is? Jess?|- No, not Jess.
A prince, maybe.
One that's in line to be king.
|Not one of those waiting-for-a-brother-to-die ones,|but a real one.
If not a prince,|someone who's gonna be good for her.
- Rory is like Pippi.
|- Pippi? She can have adventures|and be free, she's smart.
The whole world's waiting for her.
You're comparing Rory|to Pippi Longstocking? Pippi is strong and independent.
|She can lift a horse above her head.
And beat up bullies|and build a hot air balloon.
She's unique, like Rory.
But I guarantee you, if Pippi had met Dean,|there would be no horse, no balloons.
He'd drag her down to his level,|spend all her gold coins and poof, like that,|all her dreams would be gone.
It's Rory's choice|who she chooses to be with, okay? - Not yours, not mine.
|- Does it feel right to you? Are you okay with this,|this Rory and Dean thing? I just need this to work.
Look at me.
Not stopping until he's upset|every person that means anything in the world to him|in one night.
- You want a beer?|- Yes.
Maybe if I'd brought out the Twister.
Maybe.
Who is it? I hope this isn't a bad time.
No, I was just catching up|on some correspondence.
I just wanted to let you know that our property tax bill|is wrong this year.
I'm contesting it.
In case they call here,|I wanted to let you know.
- Fine.
Thank you.
|- You're welcome.
And I've joined a barbershop quartet.
We do it up right.
|Dress in period costumes and these silly vests and things.
We've performed a couple of times|at charity events.
- All right.
|- It's part of a barbershop chorus.
- That's a group of about 30.
|- Very good.
I guess I'll be going.
- I bought a panic room.
|- Very good.
- Hey.
|- Hi.
- I guess that was a bust.
|- Sorry.
- Maybe it was too soon.
|- Your mom was real nice.
She was great.
- Thank her for me, okay?|- I will.
It was fun for a while there,|though, wasn't it? Yeah.
The movie was.
It was real fun.
- Like the old days.
|- Like the old days.
I'd invite you over,|but Kyle's entertaining some buddies.
I should go anyway.
Want a ride? - I'm almost there.
|- Okay.
Kiss.
- Bye.
|- Bye.
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