Glee s05e05 Episode Script

Here's what you missed on Glee.
Will made the club decide whether they were Katys or Gagas, as if those were the only options, which Sue thought was stupid.
So she's got it out for them, but this time she's principal - and Becky's her Beckretary.
- Oh, snap! Jake wanted to go all the way with Marley but Marley only let him touch her boobs, so Jake cheated on her with demon hellspawn Bree, 'cause that's the kind of guy he is, and Marley doesn't know.
- Do you wanna go somewhere? - Is your girlfriend going to be there? Rachel got the lead in Funny Girl on Broadway, but the director's weird - and wasn't sure she was right for the part.
- All we needed to see.
That's what you missed on Glee.
Blaine, what are you doing? Tina.
Tina, get out.
Get out of here! Oh, no! Get out! Get out of here! - Blaine, this is nothing to be embarrassed about.
- Yes, it is! That's a twerk fail, Gawker nightmare.
No, this is a revelation.
If this is turning into what I think it's turning into I just wanna say that it's physically impossible for me to twerk.
I beg to differ.
Look how you're all riveted by that video.
That's the kind of reaction we need from the judges if we're gonna one-up Throat Explosion at nationals.
We need to edge up our America's sweetheart image a bit- show the judges that we're not afraid to rebel.
Mr.
Schue, what if some of us don't know how to twerk.
Have no fear, your twerktorial is here.
- Twerk it, girl.
- If you can dance like Blaine did in that video- - No, no.
- We are gonna need a bigger trophy case.
- Yeah! - Twerk! Twerk! Bounce, bounce.
- Yeah! - Twerk, twerk! Watch this, Marley! Okay, listen up.
Twerking did start in Atlanta in the club scene, but it is global now.
And whether you call it the booty pop or "P" pop or the sissy bounce all that you need to do it is a working booty and the right attitude and education, so we'll start with the basics.
- Kitty? - All right, you basic bitches.
Feet shoulder-width apart.
Bend your knees.
Turn them out, hands on hips.
Thumbs on the butt.
And pop it, pop it, pop it, pop it.
- So you just keep it going like this.
- This is so weird! Unique, come on! You are a natural! I been twerkin' in my bedroom since I was six to Miss Beyoncé.
Hey, Sam.
Yeah, that was a White Chocolate signature move.
Tina and Ryder, you'll be twerking in the back.
I need a transformation- to shed some old skin.
I wanna look completely different.
- Hi.
- Okay.
Today it's "You Are Woman, I Am Man.
" I have some ideas, but I wanna see what you do with it first.
All I know is I want the sexual organs of every man, woman and- well, just the men and women- to be stimulated by the end of this number.
I think we can handle that.
This is a joke, right? I did some research, and I wanted to get into character and this cut and length was totally in style in post-World War I Manhattan.
Do you have any idea how Broadway works? Read your contract.
I pick every swatch, every gel, every shade of lipstick.
Anything the audience will see, hear or smell in my theater is selected after weeks of careful consideration by me, the director.
Look, I'm not a prop.
All right? You hired me to express myself, to be Fanny-my Fanny- and I needed some freedom to be able to find her myself.
And someone told you she hangs out in Sally Hershberger downtown? Look, I've sort of been going through hell the past month or so and I just needed to snap out of it so maybe we could just do the number and see how it goes from there.
Fine, Rachel.
Please, just make me forget.
The haircut.
God bless the haircut.
- Oh.
- It's like some kind of reverse Samson.
I have some notes, but you really were our Fanny up there.
Well, Fanny was a rebel so I felt a little rebellious behavior would do the trick.
You were right.
But I think we've all rebelled enough for one production.
- No more.
Understood? - Yes, sir.
- From the top.
- Thank you.
And the right to vote was in 18- - Mr.
Schue? - Yes? May I be excused? Too much Diet Coke.
Yeah.
There you go.
Excuse me.
What the hell are you doing in here? Oh.
I'm sorry.
I thought this was the little boys' room.
Stop right there, voice of Elmo.
Do you honestly expect me to believe you stumbled in here by accident? Please don't tell anyone.
I'm afraid to use the boys' bathroom.
I can't.
I just don't feel comfortable in there.
I make sure to only come in here during class so no one finds out or gets upset.
Oh.
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
And that's how it all started.
The Great McKinley Bathroom Gender Riot of 2013.
Bree figured out that the boys'room was a great place to make out in and not get caught.
You've been avoiding me.
- Whoa.
- Stoner Brett started using the girls'bathroom because it was cleaner and it smelled better and he heard a rumor that the toilet seats were heated.
And then the girls started using the boys'room when they realized that boys never had to wait in a line.
It was chaos.
Whoops.
I just had the most incredible experience of my life.
- Oh, my God! Did you cut your hair? - I was feeling stuck.
Oh.
Rupert's amazing, but he has such specific views on everything.
And it's not like I don't trust his vision but I felt like I needed to just rebel a bit in order to have more room to play.
- He doesn't know you were wearing a wig? - Not at first but then I told him after rehearsal.
He really loved it, and I might get to wear it in the show.
What if he got mad about you lying to him or saw you cut your hair and sent you packing? Okay, you know what, Kurt? You've become boring.
You go to class, and then you come home and watch your stories and eat all this food and Skype with Blaine, and it's not even sexy Skyping.
I know this because you just go to sleep.
Same thing every day.
I change up my afternoon smoothie occasionally.
It felt so good taking a risk with this wig.
It's like I just-I felt so alive.
I know I could've messed everything up, but I didn't even care.
It's like I just wanted to risk it all.
- What's gotten into you? - I don't know.
Do you remember in high school how everything felt so urgent? Like if we didn't go for it, we'd lose our chance forever? - Yes, it was very stressful.
- I wanna feel that way again.
Does this have something to do with Finn? You know, if part of my grieving process is just diving headfirst into life, then maybe.
All right, Rachel Berry.
You got me.
- Let's go out and do something crazy.
- Like what? - Let's go use flash photography at the Met.
- Small potatoes.
How about we break out that bottle of limoncello you've been saving up? - What for? - Anesthesia.
Both orangutans have been charged with solicitation and impersonating a police officer.
Prosecutors say both Tickles and Bam-Bam will be tried as adults.
And now let's stroll on down to Sue's Corner with cheerleading icon Principal Sue Sylvester.
Thank you, Rod.
Andrea.
America, tonight I address a nation at war.
Now, I'm not referring to Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad who gassed his own people when they began to make fun of his extremely hilarious lisp.
No, this nation faces a far more insidious foe- Miley Cyrus and the genital-flapping dance known as twerking that makes men and women alike look like overgrown, constipated toddlers.
This vulgar, sexually explicit excuse for a dance craze has brought American culture to a new low.
And that's why tonight, Western Ohio I solemnly pledge to end the pandemic of twerking once and for all.
Not only will I outlaw twerking at McKinley High but I have submitted a bill to the Ohio State Legislature banning twerking in Ohio public schools.
And Hannah Montana can go back to naked-straddling the three-ton wrecking ball she was clearly upsold at Home Depot as the tiny cinder block room she's elected to demolish is only about 12 square feet and already has a wall missing.
And that's how Sue sees it.
Rod.
Ooh-hoo, Sue.
You're outta sight.
We'll be right back.
She will not get away with this.
Guys! Guys! Guys, what's going on? Did you not see Principal Sylvester's latest Sue's Corner? She's trying to take away our God-given right to twerk, and it's bullcrap! I think we're all feeling that we were onto something with this "twerking at nationals" thing.
I completely agree with you.
Principal Sylvester is drawing a line in the sand.
She's deciding what's acceptable and what's not, and that's just not gonna stand.
The fact is, twerking is about blurring the lines between past and the present between men and women, between tradition and envelope-pushing.
It's all in that Alan Thicke song that I love.
- "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke? - Exactly.
That's not what that song's about.
Sue Sylvester wants to draw a line in the sand? Well, we're gonna blur it and blow this debate wide open! - Yeah! - Oh-ho! Whoo! Whoo! You do realize that "Blurred Lines" is a song about date rape, don't you? What? No, it's not.
Will, you need to back your ass up to the fact that you a married 37-year-old, just performed a song about coercive sexual advances as nine minors twerked alongside you down the hallways of a public high school.
It's called the First Amendment, Sue.
This is about freedom of expression.
Well, then feel free to express that out loud as you pace the floors of your dingy, lonely apartment because you, Will Schuester, are fired.
I am not leaving.
And I will be appealing this to the school board.
- Are we actually gonna do this? - I've always wanted one.
You think Blaine's gonna be mad? Isn't he, like, obsessed with Adam Levine? You're right.
You're right about everything.
- I need to wake up and come out of myself.
- Yes! I mean, I'm an artist! I should start acting like one.
Would Andy Warhol be standing here worrying? No, he wouldn't! - To rebellion-in all of its forms.
- Okay.
Oh, ooh, chug, chug, ooh.
Ooh, I don't like! Mmm.
- Oh, my God, there's a little kitty.
- Oh, God! Tastes like lemons and gasoline.
- The worst.
- It's the worst.
- What are you gonna get? - I don't know.
Let's surprise each other.
- Okay.
- Look at the kitty cat.
So who's first? Good morning, sunshine.
Two shots of limoncello, and I feel like I got hit by a bus.
I'm the worst rebel in the world.
Well, I made pancakes.
Ooh! Ooh, oh.
I forgot that was there for a moment.
I didn't want a tramp stamp, and I thought if I got it on my arm - then I wouldn't be able to go sleeveless again.
- Let me see! Okay.
So when we decided that we were doing it, I knew exactly what I wanted.
I even printed it out in - so the tattoo guy knew exactly what to do.
- Okay.
It's both personal and political, just like me.
- Ta-da! - Oh, Kurt! "It gets better"! That's so swe- What? Is it infected? No, it just-It says, "It's get better," not "It gets better.
" They misspelled it.
Oh, my God.
I have absolute nonsense written on me permanently.
Okay, y-you have to get it removed.
Of course I do.
What if I run into Dan Savage in the steam room at the gym? - I'll be humiliated.
- Don't worry.
They do a really good job at removing tattoos these days.
For tens of thousands of dollars, which I don't have.
Then we're gonna go back to the tattoo parlor and have them fix it.
Show me yours, 'cause maybe he spelled "Streisand" wrong, and we can be maimed together.
You know what? I- I-I didn't go through with it.
- Are you kidding me? - I was thinking about all of my favorite idols- Barbra, Patti and Carole King- and none of them have tattoos.
- I cannot believe you backed out without telling me.
- I was gonna go through with it but you were halfway through yours, and I just- I'm really sorry, okay? I-I'll go back with you.
We can get your money back.
No, what I want back, I can't get- my innocence, my pride and my unblemished alabaster skin.
Kurt.
Well, well, if it isn't the "Q" in the LGBTQ-XYZ-Who gives a crap? - You want me to warm that seat up for you, sweetheart? - Listen, we get it.
It must be hell hiking up that lovely dress at a urinal.
- Just let me do my business and I'll go, please.
- Oh, sorry.
We're just curious how exactly you do that.
- We need some names.
- Yeah, some people at this school need to get their ass kicked to learn not to mess with you anymore.
- Come on, guys.
You know that's not a solution.
- No, enough is enough.
Mr.
Schue's right.
I love you guys, and your support means everything but it won't fix anything.
In fact, it'll probably make everything worse.
Motion approved to dig up the school parking lot and move the Indian bones.
Now the McKinley School Board calls to the podium "Teacher of the Year"- What is this, a typo? - William Schuester? - Thank you, Superintendent and a very good evening to everyone.
We really appreciate you moving this meeting of the school board to the auditorium where you can hear and see our case.
Now, as you all know, Sue Sylvester has recently banned a dance known as twerking from McKinley.
You call it twerking? I call it dance porn.
Well, that is exactly what people once said about an outrageous new dance called the waltz.
were actually clutching each other as they whirled around the ballroom.
Shocked society by kicking up their heels to Charleston.
In the '50s, everyone was scandalized by Elvis's pelvis.
And then came a flood of dirty dancing.
The twist, the pony and, heaven forbid, the mashed potato- all considered scandalous and sinful then.
Now, with time and distance, thought of as quaint and innocent even.
In the '80s came the most forbidden dance of them all, the Lambada- And now it's twerking.
I guarantee you that in 20 years twerking will be considered a silly nostalgic dance.
So I ask you.
Do you want to be on the right side of musical history? Oh, hey, Sue.
You wanted to see me? William, you can wipe that smug look off your face and while you're at it, wipe your chin, because there's a butt on it.
Well, I asked you in here as an act of contrition.
Wade Unique Adams made an impassioned plea for a unisex bathroom at this school.
"The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.
" - Do you know who said that? - Captain America.
- Dr.
Martin Luther King.
- Hmm.
And I was so moved, I decided to provide him with it.
So from this day forward, let it be known that Unique will be able to dump dirt in the privacy of his very own crapper.
Wow, that's great.
Where is it? - We have to move it.
- We tried.
It's bolted to the floor.
I am so sorry, guys.
This is like living a nightmare.
- Tina? How could you? - What? It's convenient.
Geez, get your priorities straight.
Uh, o-okay, guys.
L-Let's practice our-our twerking.
Are you dyslexic? Or illiterate? Or a charlatan? You completely messed up my tattoo.
I am scarred! Let me see.
That is exactly what you told me to write.
No, I wanted a message of hope- something to represent my strides I've made as an individual and the political sea change.
- Well, you should've put "It gets better" on there.
- I did! No, you didn't.
This is what you gave me to write.
I don't ask questions because I don't wanna hear everybody's bullcrap story about what their tattoo means.
- I must've screwed it up when I was typing it.
- Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
What are you even doing here? You don't seem like the tattoo type.
I wanted to rebel and shake off my doldrums.
My path has been different and exciting, considering my background but considering who I think I am and how I see myself it's like I've taken the streetcar named Predictability.
I guess this is the price I pay when I try to surprise myself.
No.
I think your motives were true.
It's just that, you know, when you go off-road, man, weird stuff is gonna happen.
Check this out.
- That demon looks like John Davidson.
- I got that in Hong Kong.
I was trashed, right? And I asked this guy for a Harley-Davidson tattoo.
And I guess something got lost in translation, 'cause when I woke up I had the host of That's Incredible! On my freakin' chest.
Eh.
Turned him into a demon.
Lame-ass goes to badass.
Two hours tops.
My body's covered with mistake ink.
You can fix damn near anything.
How can you fix this? Why don't you give me another shot at it? I'm, uh, starting to get a sense of who you are.
Why don't you hop back up on the table and I'll see what I can do.
No charge.
I'll even throw in a tongue piercing.
No cost to you.
Why would I wanna do that? Look.
You step back now, you will never take another risk again.
You will have given up on the whole concept of going nuts.
What you gotta do is you gotta go more nuts, have a positive experience.
And then you'll realize that that is where you find the juice of life.
- Come on.
- Oh.
Okay.
Juice of life.
Oh, Marley.
Have you seen this Vine? I call it "Squeezin' Out a Twerkle Head.
" It looks like you've got a bad case of the spastic butt coughs.
Good one.
You're hilarious.
- Like, Comedy Central funny.
- Hey! I was just trying to be helpful.
I'd be happy to give you twerk lessons.
Twerking's really not that hard.
Not if you have the right partner.
How do you think your boyfriend got so good at it? Oh.
Yeah, Jake didn't tell you? After your pathetic night of "Don't touch me there.
I mean it, Jake" he came running to me and we twerked all night long.
Jake's not like that.
And if he was, he would aim a lot higher than trash like you.
That is slut-shaming.
You are using the derogatory label "trash" for a female's natural sensuality.
It's femiphobic, neo-retro-genderist and a clear form of sexual bullying.
And as this beautiful poster clearly states, this is a bully-free zone.
But I will be the better person and not report you to Principal Sylvester for immediate expulsion.
By the way, you know that cute little mole on Jake's right hip and how, when you kiss it, it drives him absolutely crazy? Oh, right.
You wouldn't know about that, would you? Well, trust me.
He loves it.
Hey, I was just a-about to come find you.
Pull down your pants.
I wanna see your right hip.
I wanna see if there's a mole, see if she's telling the truth.
- Who? - Please tell me there's no mole.
Please tell me she's just lying to screw with my head.
Please tell me you didn't really cheat on me, especially with h-her.
- Marley.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.
- Just stop.
Just stop! - Mr.
Schue? - Oh, yeah, actually- I need to use the, uh- the magic bathroom.
Okay, if Oprah's gonna drop the Cosby kids off at the pool I am not going to be here for it.
Wait.
Unique doesn't need to use the porta-potty.
Come with me.
There's nothing wrong with the porta-potty.
Again? She just used it five minutes ago.
Thanks for doing this, Mr.
Schue but I don't need a bodyguard.
It's not about feeling safe in the boys' bathroom.
It's about feeling like I don't belong.
I hate to say it, but I think as long as you keep being yourself your life is probably gonna be a constant string of "don't belongs.
" I know.
I should probably just start getting used to it.
No, no, no.
You should never get used to it.
All great changes come from people who refused to get used to what was accepted but wasn't right.
I mean, slavery, gay rights, uh, New Coke.
So, what you're saying is I should pull a Rosa Parks and refuse to give up my seat in the girls' bathroom.
Unfortunately, you're not gonna change the world overnight with some radical act of rebellion.
You just need to keep finding the places you belong and the people you belong with and then you'll have an army to fight alongside of you until the world is finally brave enough to accept you for who you are.
It's hard, you know, having to dress like this every morning knowing that almost nobody will understand.
But I don't have a choice.
This is who I am.
Thank you for seeing how hard it is.
No one should have to work so hard and risk so much just to be themselves.
From now on, whenever nature calls, I want you to find me and I am gonna open this up for you.
It's a single stall, so it's coed.
No one needs to know how you identify yourself.
They just need to know that you washed your hands after.
Thank you.
All right.
Hey, Becky, I'm here to see Sue.
Do you have an appointment? - No.
- Then get out, bitch! It's okay, Becky.
Send him in.
Have a seat.
I saw you escort Unique to the teachers' restroom and let him use it.
And I think it's degrading for him to have to do that and it's given me a change of heart.
I would like to propose a deal.
I'll give Unique a key to that bathroom on one condition.
- What is it? - You and the Glee Club stop twerking.
For good.
Sorry, Sue, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna make that deal.
Oh, for God's sake, William.
That's your red line? Of all the things in the world to be outraged about.
This isn't about twerking.
This is about standing up to Sue Sylvester and her inane, out-of-touch meddling.
It's about rebelling against your repeated attempts to suppress the Glee Club and what we're trying to say.
When a law is unjust, it is your duty as an American to disobey.
- It's called civil disobedience, Sue.
- Fine, have it your way.
The chemical toilet stays bolted to the choir room floor.
Fine.
Maybe I'll just throw a Sue Sylvester-style rebellion tantrum as I leave this office.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, no? It goes a little somethin' like this.
William, stop that.
William Michael Schuester! Becky, no, no.
Don't even think about it.
Becky, no, no, no.
Don't do it! Hey, where have you been? I know you're upset with me about the tattoo but this silent treatment, it's a little immature.
I-It's kind of hard to talk.
Are you eating something? Did you get a pretzel from the guy down the street? - Because I thought we were diet partners.
- I pierced my tongue.
You pierced your tongue? Oh, my God, that is so gross! Put that away.
I don't wanna look at it.
Does it hurt? Oh, i-it's not that bad actually.
Louis did it for free when he fixed my tattoo.
- What did he do? - He got a little creative with the phrasing.
One might say poetic.
But I really do think he captured my essence, given the circumstances.
Let me see.
"It's got Bette Midler.
" - Mm-hmm.
- "It's got Bette Midler.
" Oh, my God, that is genius and it makes absolutely no sense.
But it makes perfect sense, and I honestly kind of love it.
So, uh, what about the tongue stud? Uh I think I was in the same boat as you.
Ever since Finn died, I've been going about my business but I've also kind of been in a trance.
And I guess I just needed to be shocked back to life.
And there's something about having a metal stud go through your tongue that does the trick.
Hmm.
So, you gonna talk like that forever? No, it should go down after a couple days.
- You should totally get one of these.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, rethink that tattoo.
- Totally.
- Hmm.
- I-I don't-I just- I don't think that there's anything that I would, like, love enough that I would want to get on my body for the next 50 years.
Well, suit yourself.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna go Skype with Blaine and show him my new tat and piercing.
Maybe if I play a little Maroon 5, I'll get cyber lucky.
Hey, guys.
Guys.
Mr.
Schue, what's up? It's not the end of the week yet.
No.
But it is the end of twerking.
Why? We were killing it.
Well, some of us were.
I know, and I'm sorry.
After the school board meeting, I thought it was smooth sailing but twerking was and remains a hot-button issue.
I didn't think this was one battle worth fighting to the death.
Meaning, you caved.
No.
He did it for me.
Didn't you, Mr.
Schue? That's why the porta-potty's gone.
That's why Principal Sylvester's out of my business.
I-I'm not putting this on you, Unique.
I believe I did what anyone in this room would've done for one of their friends.
It was a judgment call but some things are just more important than others.
I'm glad we're done twerking.
I didn't like it, and I never felt comfortable.
Honestly, I just had an awful week.
I have to admit, twerking is really fun but it just doesn't seem like it was - No big loss.
- Yeah.
Rebelling's one thing, but betraying who we are, that's not cool.
We are who we are, no apologies necessary.
All right then.
We're moving on.
No regrets, no looking back.
And I agree with you, Artie.
So, I was thinking.
Instead of playing against who we are, let's embrace it.
Let's lean into our strengths by finding a song that's old-school Glee.
Upbeat, optimistic.
- Full of youth and hope.
- Oh! I-I've got something.
- Whoo! - Yes!