Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e05 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) MARIA: The Fourth Panzer Division, the Tenth Grenadier Brigade on reserve at position Bismarck.
"C" coordinate, section 14.
No, no, that's no good.
London can't use German map coordinates.
Don't edit.
Just give it to us as you memorized it.
Relax, Maria, you're doing fine.
I am nervous.
Well, don't be.
Carter's outside protecting us.
Thanks for reminding me.
Now I'm nervous.
Well, let's try again.
Maximum air support to be committed zero plus one.
The First Panzer Corps will assume primary defense and counterattack responsibility.
The following infantry units Colonel! Krauts on the road-- Gestapo.
Where are they headed? East.
Slow.
They stopped and turned around.
They may have seen the light.
All right, the party's over.
We better get out of here.
Let's try a four-minute mile back to camp.
I'll stay.
I may be able to stall them.
Are you out of your mind? Stall the Gestapo? Lady, you got guts.
If you are caught, it will ruin your operation at Stalag 13.
Wouldn't do us any good personally, either.
Yeah, those firing squads can sting.
No dice.
Come on.
Look, I'll say I was on my way home and stopped here to rest.
They'll believe me.
( car approaching ) All right.
Good luck.
Let's move.
Underground confirms that the Gestapo is holding her in jail in Hammelburg.
They'll probably question her a couple of days and then have her shot trying to escape.
Without ever leaving her cell.
She wouldn't even come with us.
She insisted on staying back and trying to stall the Gestapo.
Boy, what nerve.
We're going to try and spring her.
But Colonel, that's Gestapo that's got her.
Right, they shoot people for double parking.
She's had it.
Do you realize what she's carrying around in her head? Order of battle, German forces in France, that's all.
Yeah, and we'd only gotten half of it before they crashed in on us.
And London wants the rest.
More important, she blew her chances to get away so we could make it.
Now it's her turn.
Hey, Colonel, why don't we try a drop of the old flimflam? You're the man for that.
Thank you.
You know, we show up at the jail in Gestapo uniform.
"Guten Tag.
"I am Officer Heindorf.
"Heil Hitler.
"I have here the orders and transfer "of Maria Hoffman, the prisoner, to Berlin at once.
Schnell!" No, it's too risky.
If the local Gestapo hasn't sent her file to Berlin yet, no reason to move her.
Let's think about it awhile.
( brakes squeal ) Colonel, Burkhalter just drove into camp with his sister.
Gnädige Frau Linkmeyer? Right, in person.
The bride of Frankenstein strikes again.
Boy, she was just here two weeks ago.
We sure don't need General Burkhalter around here right now.
You're so right.
Klink will start showing off, tighten up security.
Bloody stupid, that's what it is.
Maria's in jail and there's that old slag Gertrude Linkmeyer walking around free.
Hey, Colonel, I've got a thought.
If we were to fake a call to the Gestapo, say we're from Berlin, and then if I had some nitro and a few caps-- now, I don't need much Hold it, hold it.
Newkirk, you just said something rather interesting.
Accidents will happen.
I do it all the time.
What did I say? You compared Gertrude Linkmeyer and Maria.
Question: If Gertrude were missing, what would the general do to get her back? Very little, if he's smart.
I mean, would he exchange Maria for her? What?! Exchange her?! Colonel, you don't mean kidnap a general's sister? He does mean it.
We wouldn't keep her very long.
If the exchange works, naturally we'd return her and if it doesn't, let her go anyway.
Where could we hide her? Here.
In the tunnel? Mm-hmm, she wouldn't mind.
Besides, she looks better in the dark.
What makes you believe that there is something going on between Frau Linkmeyer and myself? She talks about you a great deal.
Mm-hmm, that's very flattering.
It's also very dull.
Every time I inspect Stalag 13, she asks to come along.
And that leads you to believe that there is something going on between her and myself? Now you are asking my question.
General Burkhalter, I can assure you there's absolutely nothing going on between Frau Linkmeyer and myself.
Why not? It's her husband.
Her husband.
He has been missing in action for two years.
And he's a lucky man.
I mean, he's very lucky to have served Germany and the Führer so well.
He can be declared legally dead at any time.
Then Gertrude will be a widow, free to marry.
That sounds logical.
She needs marriage, Klink.
So do you.
I can tell by just looking at you.
I've not been too well lately.
I suggest you give it a serious thought.
There are worse things than being married to the sister of General Burkhalter.
Name one.
Why does he hate me so? He doesn't hate you.
Then why does he want me to marry his sister? Maybe he does hate you.
Hogan, you're a worldly man.
You seem to know a lot about women.
What shall I do? Marry Gertrude.
What do you know about women? You need marriage, Commandant.
Hogan, you hate me, too.
Right now I can come and go as I please.
If a pretty girl smiles at me, I can smile back.
I can stay out as late as I please.
I can play cards with the boys.
I can drink.
I can go to parties.
I'm as free as a bird.
Do you call that living, Commandant? Yes.
Gertrude is just the kind of woman you need.
She's clever, forceful, efficient, thrifty.
What about her looks? Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
What's there to behold? She looks like her brother.
You'll get used to it.
You know, it's just possible that marriage is his idea, not hers.
Well, why don't you ask her? No, that might give her ideas.
But you could find out for me, Hogan.
Little old me? Yes, you could go to the VIP quarters looking for me, and if I wasn't there but she was, you could talk to her.
Would you, Hogan? Well Please.
All right, Commandant, anything for you.
Thank you.
Enemies to the end.
Colonel Klink talks about you all the time.
Really? I thought the bald eagle never talked about anybody but himself.
Well, in your case he makes an exception.
He thinks you're clever, forceful, efficient, thrifty.
He has to say those things.
I am not a beautiful woman.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Ja, ja, that's what I keep telling everyone.
I hope I'm not violating a confidence, Frau Linkmeyer, but, um, I really think Colonel Klink is crazy about you.
Why doesn't he tell me himself? Is he too shy to mention it? Not exactly shy.
I'd call it yellow.
It comes to the same thing.
What is he afraid of? Your brother is a general.
Albert? ( chuckles ) Generals are harmless-- except, of course, to the men who do the fighting.
Yeah, you've got something there.
Well, I'd better get back to the barracks.
I really came over to see the commandant, but I'm glad we had this little talk, Frau Linkmeyer.
So am I.
( phone rings ) Hello.
Yeah, this is Frau Linkmeyer.
Uh, Frau Linkmeyer, I am a friend of Colonel Klink's and he asked me to give you a very important message.
Why doesn't he call me himself? The colonel would like to see you at the Hauserhof in Hammelburg tomorrow night.
Oh, he would, would he? Yes, and, uh, please do not tell anyone.
Tell the colonel I will meet him as he asks.
Jawohl, Frau Linkmeyer.
The commandant wants me to meet him alone.
Love will find a way.
Ja.
Klink is not my idea of husband material, but in wartime you have to substitute for everything.
Well, actually Old Blood and Guts is a very lovable type.
Colonel, you should really speak to the Red Cross about a prisoner exchange.
Hmm? You have been here too long.
She just made the turn, Colonel.
Headed this way.
Right.
Let's go.
Abend, gnädige Frau.
Abend.
What's the trouble? No trouble, just a routine check.
Your papers, please.
I do not carry papers.
I am Frau Linkmeyer, General Burkhalter's sister.
The sister of General Burkhalter.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
It's indeed a great honor to meet the sister of General Burkhalter.
Ja, Mueller? Ja, Schmidt, a great honor.
Danke.
Your papers, please.
Dummkopf, I told you I do not carry papers.
In that case, would you please step out of the car for one moment? What do you mean, step out of the car? We must look around.
Search the car, Mueller.
Search the car?! Do you understand who I am? What are you doing in there?! Please step away from the car! I'm General Burkhalter's sister.
( Linkmeyer screams ) The situation, then, is as follows: Frau Linkmeyer did not sleep in her bed last night.
Correct.
Correct.
Correct.
She requisitioned a vehicle from the motor pool at approximately 9:00.
The car was found abandoned outside the camp this morning.
Correct.
Correct.
Correct.
Would you mind if only one person agreed with me? Of course.
I'd be happy to.
It is my sister.
Yes, and I think the general should speak for us.
And I agree.
Quiet.
Now, what conclusions can we draw from the facts I have reviewed for you? Frau Linkmeyer is missing.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Your intelligence reflects your commanding officer.
What does that mean? Stupid, it's a compliment.
Thank you, Major.
Hochstetter, I called in the Gestapo because obviously we cannot cope with that sort of thing, but so far you have done nothing but talk.
Where is my sister?! Yes, where is my sister?! I mean, where's his sister? Yes, where is she? Quiet.
I assure you, General Burkhalter, the Gestapo will find her if we have to turn Germany upside down and shake it.
Seems like an awful lot of trouble.
And hardly worth it.
Quiet, Schultz.
Mmm this is good.
Danke.
I will give you money when I am free.
Danke.
Now, where am I? Where is this place? You are in a hotel in Düsseldorf.
Hotel? But it is so damp in here.
I feel like I'm in a cellar.
Well, it's one of the cheaper rooms.
Is good, huh? Ja.
Who is that? Someone just came into the room.
That is the chambermaid.
Guten Tag, Gretchen.
Don't bother to clean the room now.
Wiedersehen.
She didn't answer you.
Her husband doesn't let her talk to strangers.
There.
( alarm clock ringing ) Oop, excuse me, bitte.
The telephone.
Hello.
Ja, this is Heinrich.
What? Well, I can't help it if room service is getting busy.
No, I'm still feeding the lady in room 412.
Ja, ja, as soon as possible.
Wiedersehen.
That room service, they're crazy.
They think I'm twins.
So, I am in room 412, eh? Oh! It slipped out.
Don't tell the boss, he'll kill me.
But what hotel is this? Liebchen, Liebchen, I can't tell you everything.
Mmm.
Is good, ja? Klink, do you know any reason why Frau Linkmeyer would want to destroy herself? We're just casual friends.
How would I know? Klink and my sister were practically engaged.
Oh, that would be reasonable motivation for suicide.
( phone rings ) Hello, Commandant Klink's office.
Heil Hitler.
Uh, Commandant Klink is in a conference and cannot be disturbed.
What? Oh, you have information about Frau Linkmeyer? SCHULTZ: Oh, Commandant Klink cannot talk with you.
Please call back.
Give me that.
Hello, Commandant Klink speaking.
Who is this? It's a male voice; he will not identify himself.
( with German accent ): Frau Linkmeyer is safe.
She will be free on one condition.
You are holding a girl, Maria Hoffman.
Frau Linkmeyer will be returned to you.
We will call you again with further instructions.
General Burkhalter, I'm sorry to say your sister has been kidnapped.
What do they want, Klink? They say we are holding a girl.
I'm not holding a girl.
Neither am I.
I wish I were.
Quiet! Her name is Maria Hoffman.
The Gestapo has her, and they want to make an exchange.
Ridiculous.
We are holding Maria Hoffman on suspicion of treason.
Release her at once.
I said treason, General.
I am curious-- why would they ask to talk to Klink? It doesn't matter; we will do as they ask.
Major, make the arrangements.
General, this is a Gestapo matter.
I am not interested, Hochstetter.
For better or worse, I have only one sister.
Thank heaven for that.
I mean, suppose you had two sisters and they were both missing.
Two like Frau Linkmeyer? Impossible.
Maria Hoffman is a suspected enemy of the state.
We must hold her.
I am sorry, General.
Major.
Unless you do as I ask, I will be forced to pick up that phone and call my friend Himmler.
BURKHALTER ( over speaker ): He will order you to release Maria Hoffman.
I do not respond favorably to this kind of force, even from a general.
However, I uh I pride myself on having an open mind.
Major Hochstetter-- now, there's a real open mind.
At least the animals went for it.
Right, we're moving.
Kinch, contact the underground.
I want to know as soon as Maria is released.
Okay, but that could be big trouble.
The Krauts will monitor all radio for miles around.
Limit transmission for 30 seconds.
Right.
LeBeau, tell Newkirk I want to see him right away.
I want to get started on that letter to Schultz.
Oui, Colonel, at once.
What letter? The blimp doesn't know it yet, but he's about to have a big romance.
"I'm sure you won't remember me.
"My name is Wilma Braun.
"We met on visitors' day at Stalag 13 a few weeks ago.
I believe it was during the Martin Bormann festival.
" It's a nice touch.
Yeah, I like it.
NEWKIRK: "I have not been able "to get you out of my mind.
"I'm staying at Webber's Farm, "where I spend my days painting in the barn and thinking of you.
"I would love to see you again.
Could you come and visit me soon?" I signed it, "Yours, Lonely Wilma.
" Beautiful, beautiful.
From now on, Newkirk, I want you to write all my love letters, too.
Well, thank you, sir.
I do have a bit of talent in that direction if I do say so myself.
And I knew you would.
Good news, Colonel: Maria's out.
The Gestapo released her 20 minutes ago.
Boy, I'd have never thought it was possible.
Hochstetter's iron swastika sure crumbled fast.
Colonel, you're a bloody genius.
Not until we get rid of the lovely Frau Linkmeyer.
Newkirk, see that Schultz gets that letter right away, hmm? It's done, sir.
Letter from a girl? She's beautiful.
I remember.
She's not too tall and not too small.
She's brunette and slightly blonde.
She's not fat and she's not skinny.
Yeah, I'd know her anywhere, Schultz.
What's the problem? Should I answer the letter or go and see her? Don't waste time with a letter.
Get yourself some flowers, maybe a little wine, and just show up.
You know what to do once you get there, don't you? Boy, do I! I go there in a few days.
Wait, hold it, hold it.
She says, "Could you come and visit me soon?" "Soon" with a woman means right away.
Uh, it does? Yeah, I think you'd better move fast, go out tonight.
You off duty? Yeah, I'll get off.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, I feel so romantic.
Tally ho.
( with German accent ): Frau Linkmeyer, tonight, Webber's Farm, 2200 hours.
Any attempt to trap us will mean disaster for Frau Linkmeyer.
End of message.
Hello? They hung up.
Webber's Farm, tonight, 2200 hours.
Excellent-- I will arrest the criminals, whoever they are.
They warned me, if we set a trap, it will mean a disaster to Frau Linkmeyer.
I would not worry about what happens to the gnädige Frau.
That's true-- how could a disaster happen to a disaster? Men will be stationed here, here and there.
All the routes in the area are being patrolled right now.
Excellent work.
I couldn't have done better myself.
Nothing must happen to Gertrude.
General, you have my word on it: Frau Linkmeyer's safety comes first.
His word, Herr General.
You couldn't do better than that.
Yes, I could, but I have no choice.
( chuckles ) Anybody home? SCHULTZ ( outside ): Anybody here? It's me, Sergeant Schultzy.
( muffled shouting ) Oh, oh, excuse me.
I got a letter from ( muffled grunting ) Frau Linkmeyer, I thought you were kidnapped.
Frau Linkmeyer, you are kidnapped! Oh, Frau Linkmeyer, you are kidnapped.
Frau Linkmeyer.
They kept me in some terrible hotel in Düsseldorf.
How did you know I was here, Schultz? I came to see a lady-- Wilma Braun.
They could have killed me.
Oh, how terrible.
And I spent so much money on flowers and on wine.
HOCHSTETTER: Achtung! This is the Gestapo! This building is surrounded! Give yourselves up.
You have no chance to get away! You have no chance to get away.
Give yourselves up.
Colonel Klink, do you mind?! I have the situation well in hand.
I was only trying to help.
Stop that nonsense, both of you.
Order them to send Gertrude out first.
Ja, Herr General.
Yes, Herr General.
I order you to send out Frau Linkmeyer alone! Oh oh, I will do as he says.
I will go out first and then you follow, Schultz.
N-N-N-No, no, no! They will think that I kidnapped you.
Ah, don't be silly.
I will explain.
Oh, boy, that's real trouble.
Aim high, but give them plenty.
They will know we mean business.
Fire! ( bullets ricocheting ) Now send out Frau Linkmeyer! Albert! Gertrude.
Resume firing.
( guns firing ) Stop! Schultz is in there! Cease fire! ( wine splashing ) That cost Schultz a bottle of wine.
Yeah, it didn't do those bloody flowers any good either.
Well, at least Burkhalter gets his sister back safe and sound.
Yeah, even a general can't win them all.
I only know one thing.
I was kept in some terrible hotel in Düsseldorf.
Room 412.
Danke, gnädige Frau, that will be most helpful.
Clever to get the room number, Frau Linkmeyer.
They were careless and mentioned it.
Yeah, it happens to even the best of kidnappers.
The investigation is in your hands, Major.
Ja, Herr General.
And I will want to know more about Colonel Klink's involvement in this whole affair.
So do I.
Schultz! All I did was talk on the telephone.
I am completely convinced that Colonel Klink had nothing to do with it.
So am I.
BURKHALTER: Gertrude.
Frau Linkmeyer, I have a few more questions I will want to ask you.
I will cooperate all I can.
And a few more questions for Colonel Klink.
You always know where to find me.
So do I, Wilhelm, so do I.
Don't we, Albert? Of course, Gertrude.
Now, how dare he suggest that I had anything to do with the kidnapping? See the way she rose to your defense, sir? She's crazy about you.
Hogan, I-I Colonel, what is this fascination you have for women? You've noticed it too, huh? Mm-hmm.
I suppose it's terribly obvious.
That's the word for it-- terribly.
Ja, ja.